Complete list of nominations for September 2014

SEPTEMBER 2014 NOMINATIONS

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Adie Pena with:
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band =
LP caper sprung by the Beatles on LSD.

2nd - David Bourke with:
The Canadian songwriter Neil Percival Young =
A strange and peculiarly-whining tenor voice.

3rd - nedesto with:
Rowling's Harry Potter series of children's books =
Thin sorcerer boy inspires older Hogwarts folks.

View with:
Ivanhoe by Sir Walter Scott =
Battles, hero's win - a victory

Adie Pena with:
As peritonitis had caused the ~
escape artist Houdini's death.

nedesto with:
Tolkien's LotR, a trilogy =
Look, a little ring story!

Ellie Dent with:
Renoir: Self-portrait =
Or art print ... or 'selfie!'

Tony Crafter with:
'Mother Nature's Son', a ballad by Sir Paul McCartney =
A humble country lad prances on trails by a stream

Jason Lofts with:
Miley Cyrus descrated Mexican flag =
"Disgraceful!" many scream excitedly.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The science fiction movie "The Maze Runner" =
Then, to criticize, machine foe unnerves me!

Meyran Kraus with:
Miller, Death of a Salesman =
So he meant all dreams fail?

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Ebola deaths in West Africa =
Bad, as it infects the whole area.

2nd - Larry Brash with:
The Islamic State =
It claims the East.

3rd - Mark Huffman with:
Scottish independence =
End denies this concept.

Josiah Winslow with:
School is starting soon! =
Go to sit in honors class.

Rosie Perera with:
Second American journalist beheaded =
Obscene end as cruel jihadi man orated.

Rosie Perera with:
Nail polish that detects date rape drugs =
That dude plans ideas, sir; protect the gal.

Rosie Perera with:
Another Israeli land grab in West Bank =
Enlarge border as inhabitants walk in.

Matt Jones with:
Celebrity picture leaks =
I cry "Bull"--keep it a secret!

Adie Pena with:
The United States of America President Obama =
And ISIS are set to decapitate a number of them.

Adie Pena with:
No more jokes by snarling ~
Joan Molinsky Rosenberg. [1933-2014]

Rick Rothstein with:
An Islamic Caliphate ‡
Ah, it is in a calm place.

Rosie Perera with:
Putin's trained armies to secure ~
a reconstituted Russian Empire.

Tyler Severance with:
Naked selfies =
Sneaked files.

Tony Crafter with:
Tony Blair has been voted 'Philanthropist Of The Year' =
"Noble envoy? That's rather handy. (I hope it's profitable!)"

Jason Lofts with:
Tony Blair is voted the GQ 'Philanthropist Of The Year' =
Prattle on! He's a bloody shit! Fight the poverty in Iraq!

David Bourke with:
Anthony Blair is voted 'Philanthropist of the Year' =
Bloodstains into very healthy profit, the piranha.

Rosie Perera with:
Nude photos on the internet =
Hunted hot one on Pinterest?

Ivan Andonov with:
San Pedro Sula is the most dangerous city in the world =
And so Honduras gets to win the murder list, police say.

Rosie Perera with:
Will and Kate expecting second baby =
Exciting news bonded by palace talk.

View with:
Miley Cyrus at Alexander Wang party =
A wan, arty, sexy girl came partly nude

Rosie Perera with:
Today is World Suicide Prevention Day =
Don't use cyanide; die privily to a sword.

Tony Crafter with:
Oscar Pistorius is cleared of Reeva murder =
Masipa's verdict could free. A serious error?

Tony Crafter with:
Oscar Pistorius has been convicted of manslaughter =
Be real! (Masipa announces High Court's so-soft verdict)

Julian Lofts with:
The Reverend Dr Ian Paisley dies =
Pyre lit - even Irish are saddened

nedesto with:
All fat lumpy inbred Americans need to diet on ~
National Cream Filled Donut Day in September.

David Bourke with:
The historic union between Scotland and England =
Election cast...Edinburgh disnae want London, then?

View with:
Planned consent decides ~
Scotland's independence.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Martin Casey =
A nasty crime

Jason Lofts with:
Minnesota Vikings suspend Adrian Peterson =
Press: "I spanked son" man under investigation.

Rosie Perera with:
Scotland votes to remain in the United Kingdom =
Tolerance: nation doesn't think "OMG! Must divide!"

Jason Lofts with:
Miley Cyrus descrated Mexican flag =
"Disgraceful!" many scream excitedly.

Jason Lofts with:
‘Angelina effect’: Star spurs genetic tests =
Less suffering: Patients get a cancer test.

Mark Huffman with:
Jasmine Tridevil's surgery =
Dame inserts jug? Verily, sir.

Ellie Dent with:
US airstrikes =
Sure, it's a risk.

Rosie Perera with:
Chelsea Clinton and husband produce a little girl =
Could notice Bill and Hill as cute grandparents, eh?

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
The timeless Deborah Ann 'Debbie' Harry =
The rather dreamy 'Blondie' babe shines!

eq2nd - David Bourke with:
Richard Froning, "The Fittest Man on Earth" =
Terrific strength and heart...no fat on him!

eq2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Late comedian Joan Rivers =
A major, relevant icon dies.

View with:
The President of Russia =
Putin, hardest foe, rises.

Adie Pena with:
Singer and songwriter Willie Hugh Nelson ~
is real high; is running well on strong weed.

Jason Lofts with:
Late comedienne Joan Rivers =
Inter one jovial screen dame.

Ivan Andonov with:
Candy Darling =
NYC lad in drag.

nedesto with:
East London's notorious Jack the Ripper =
Loner's jihad on a poor prostitute's neck!

Tyler Severance with:
Ma Chao the Splendid =
The saddle champion.

View with:
David Haines =
I vanish, dead.

David Bourke with:
Dickie Arbiter, LVO =
I blocked E.R. trivia.

Adie Pena with:
The female fighter pilot Mariam Al Mansouri =
I am a first hot femme in the all-male air group!

Adie Pena with:
George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin =
Me and you. Good male and a clean girl.

Ellie with:
The Spaniard Bartolome Esteban Murillo =
Label memorable artist honoured in past.

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
'To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.' - Lewis B Smedes
=
No way! So far, I've discovered the best response to hurt emotions is swift reprisal. Agreed?

eq2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes
=
"That is FAR too progressive a view. We'd rather force needles into bodies!" - U.S. Prison System

eq2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes
=
Christ is very wise -
It's best to offer pardon
To those we despise;
Our love remains a garden.

Rosie Perera with:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes
=
Defend the apologists? Oh no, we review errors ad nauseam, if it's perverts, boycotters, ISIS, ....

Julian Lofts with:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes
=
Repressive "US toy" Israel needs to renew troops and beg Hamas recidivists how to forfeit.

Julian Lofts with:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes
=
"To anagram is to set words free, to discover verity. See, bend, rewrite!"
Snafu philosophises

Rosie Perera with:
> "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes
> =
> "To set prisoners free is to close Guantanamo. I've tried, however...." -- Pres. B.H.O. (drifts sideways)

Rosie Perera with:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes
=
Whereas to hold onto grievances is to reward foes, be in massive distress for perpetuity.

Christopher Sturdy with:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes
=
The wary Aussie option... want it?
Remorse is for poofters; revenge is a dish best served cold.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes=
Sage's viewpoint: "Never harbor animosities towards others or yourself, despite defects."

Jason Lofts with:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes
=
Those bored internees who initiated escapes from SS Stalag perfidy were survivors too.

Adie Pena with:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes =
Those blessed words are a necessity. As Pope first wrote: "To err is human; to forgive, divine."

Adie Pena with:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes =
Those blessed words are a necessity. As Pope first wrote: "To err is human; to forgive, divine."

Jason Lofts with:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes
=
Israel's obsessive tiff. Operation Protective Edge tries to down Hamas. So why surrender?

Rosie Perera with:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B Smedes
=
How often do we forget our ire or spare a rapist? Christ said seventy times seven; I do bless!

Larry Brash with:
'To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.' - Lewis B Smedes
=
With respect, I'd stress, for obvious reasons, we'd prefer to avoid any set time here in gaols.

Rosie Perera with:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes
=
Presented vows: "First we'd destroy the bourgeoisie, as it removes chains of proletarians."

Dharam Khalsa with:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes
=
The Divine Word says we're to forgive treacherous foe and trespasser. It's not impossible.

Jason Lofts with:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes
=
We witnessed hardest provocation of US - a most perverse ISIS terrorist beheading Foley.

Rosie Perera with:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes=
As wise writers've said, best redress is to have the "Get out of prison free!" card in Monopoly.

Tyler Severance with:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes

=

Powerless
Removed
Issue? Rape
Shitiest affairs
Overcrowd
Nonsense tattoo
-die by right-

Jason Lofts with:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes =
Sorrow as divided Scots vote "No", as prefer European family togetherness with Brits, I see!

Matt Jones with:
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes
~
Apotheosis: Unviewed, yet it's for art possessed forever, a limbo state.--Erwin Schrodinger

Christopher Sturdy with:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes
=
To vote gives you hope.
To pass we dismiss as terrible indifference and as the worst error.

Adie Pena with:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes
=
Might be
Your easiest
Step. It's over; road now
Ends. In retrospect,
Life is a show,
Forever sad.

Ellie with:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes =
So readers, we discover this: to see a positive self-wisdom, or unfetter by sparing another.

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Ellie Dent with:
A scruffy looking guy strolls into a bar one summer's evening and orders a drink. The bartender says: 'No way. I don't think you can pay for it.' The guy says, 'You are right. I do not have any money, but if I show you something you have never seen before, will you give me a drink?'

The bartender says, 'Only if what you show me ain't risque.' 'Right. Deal!' says the guy and reaches into the pocket of his coat and retrieves a little furry hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, climbs down, runs across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing a tune. And the hamster is really rather good.

The bartender says, 'You are right. I have never seen anything like that before in my life. That hamster is superb on the piano.'

=

The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender, Harry, for another brew, a brandy. 'Money, a miracle, or no joy', says the barman.

The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a frog. He puts it on the bar, whereupon the tiny animal begins to sing. He has a marvelous voice and pretty fine pitch. A guy from the other end of the bar runs over and offers him three hundred dollars for the entertaining frog. The guy says, 'Okay. It is a deal.' He takes the money and hands it over. A very happy buyer hurries away.

The bartender says: 'Hey! You must be stupid! Some kinda nut. You sold a remarkable, genuinely creative, singing frog for that? Why, it must've been worth millions, easy. It's insanity, isn't it?'

'No no, not so. You see, the hamster there is also a ventriloquist.'

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:

HOW TO WRAP A GIFT WITH A CAT

* Go to wardrobe and collect bag with gift then close it.

* Reopen and remove cat from wardrobe.

* Go to cupboard to retrieve all materials.

* Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

* Lay out all materials on table.

* Remove present from bag.

* Remove cat from bag.

* Spread out sheet and cut it in straight lines.

* Throw away first sheet because cat chased scissors and tore it and use new sheet.

* Place gift on sheet.

* Try to seal gift, wonder why edges won't reach now and find cat under sheet. Remove cat and retry.

* Cut sticky tape.

* Spend next twenty-odd minutes carefully trying to remove tape from cat.

* Seal gift with sticky tape.

* Chase cat and retrieve ribbon. Stick ribbon on gift.

* Go in lockable room and lock door.

* Unlock door, put cat out and re-lock.

* Label gift.

* Hide gift in room, go out and lock room.

* Spend fifteen minutes looking for cat before coming to obvious conclusion.

* Head back, unlock room, find gift, unwrap it and remove cat. Do this whole process again.

* Hand gift nine hours later.

* Endlessly apologize when seriously angry cat jumps out of box.

=

HOW TO BAKE CHRISTMAS COOKIES WITH A CAT

* Locate your favorite recipe and set on kitchen table.

* Lift cat off recipe.

* Get eggs, flour, dry ingredients and cup.

* Break eggs in small bowl.

* Place flour and dry ingredients in big bowl and mix.

* Realize cat ate eggs, get some more from fridge.

* Remove cat from flour bowl and wipe off flour-covered cat.

* Get bandages and apply to nasty cat scratches all over hands.

* Dispose of fur-covered ingredients and re-mix.

* Preheat oven for cookies.

* Stand up just in time to catch cat sneaking back to bowl, so chase cat away.

* Watch grumpy cat as it runs for cover into bathroom

* Sprinkle flour on counter to roll out cookie dough.

* Run to find out what happened in bathroom upon hearing loud noise.

* Find entire bathroom covered in toilet paper and dotted with broken items from toilet counter.

* Shout at cat.

* Watch as startled cat tumbles in toilet bowl.

* Remove soggy cat from toilet and gently dry off cat with large towel.

* Get in car and drive to town to buy more bandages to new scratches on arms and legs.

* Buy some cookies on the way back.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A man and his wife walked into a dental surgery. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I am in a heck of a hurry; I have got two buddies sitting outside in my car waiting for us to go and play golf, so let's forget all about the anaesthetic. I just need you to pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a ten o'clock teeing time at probably the most expensive golf course in town and it's nine-thirty already. I just don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to kick in!"

The dentist thought to himself, 'Goodness me, he's really an extremely heroic man asking to have a tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.' So the dentist asked him, "Okay, which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth love, and show him..."
=

A man went to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.

She immediately got out a syringe to give him an anaesthetic shot.

"No way! I won't do needles. I hate them! No way!" he cried out.

So she started to hook up a nitrous oxide cylinder but the man announced, "Sorry, I cannot do that funny knockout-gas thing. Just the thought of that horrific mask on my face is suffocating me!

The dentist then asked if the guy had any objections to taking two pills.

"No worries; I'm fine with them" he said. So she gave him two little blue pills.

"What are they?" he asked.

"Viagra," she replied.

"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra was a pain killer."

"No, it isn't," said the dentist, "But it'll give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth out."

Jason Lofts with:
President Obama on IS: "Americans are repulsed by their barbarism, we will not be intimidated, their horrific acts only unite us. Our reach is long and justice will be served." =

Bloody bestial! Brutal embittered British Muslim rapper beheads innocent US civilians on camera in desert. We're nearly in a second religious war. I just watch horrified!

Julian Lofts with:
My view of the world, really,” Michael Palin says, “is that if you screw your eyes up and look at the world, it is an absurd and extraordinarily silly place, with everyone taking themselves very seriously.”
=
Yes, Monty Python's Flying Circus is a dark comedy. Ha, we love surreal, irreverent, antiroyalist, upbeat humor, silly dopy walks and lewd, foul, hairy, sexy "ladies" who elate or titillate shy naive viewers

Adie Pena with:
Mother Nature's Son

Born a poor young country boy,
Mother Nature's son,
All day long I'm sitting, singing songs for everyone.

Sit beside a mountain stream.
See her waters rise.
Listen to the pretty sound of music as she flies.

Find me in my field of grass,
Mother Nature's son.
Swaying daisies, sing a lazy song beneath the sun.

Mother Nature's son.

=

Lessons by one Maharishi Mahesh Yogi in India interested Paul McCartney to realize the song.

You sense one guy's story of sunny environs, of flowing sounds, a gentle motion, of stillness on moist forests, soft greenery.

The instruments he used are guitars, timpani and bass drum -- with that sonorous brass arrangement by George Martin.

Jason Lofts with:
“I have made it clear that we will hunt down terrorists who threaten our country, wherever they are,” Obama said. “This is a core principle of my presidency: If you threaten America, you will find no safe haven.”
=
The President vociferated how henceforward the USA intend to use pyrotechnic air weaponry systematically to annihilate you "evil orcs" (harmful Arab warriors) everywhere who intimidate human life.

Jason Lofts with:
"They claim to do this in the name of Islam. That is nonsense," Cameron said. "Islam's a religion of peace. They are not Muslims; they are monsters."
=
Mohammed once said: 'Thou shalt not slay innocent men.' Halt these enemies of America, they are terrifying, pitiless assassins - immoral, too!

Julian Lofts with:
"Oscar's done a great deal for the Paralympic movement. He's been an inspiration to millions, but obviously his priority now is to see what the judge decides.

"If he wishes to resume his athletics career then we wouldn't step in his way. We would allow him to compete again in the future." - Craig Spence (the International Paralympic Committee's director of media)
=
Is it hype? Is it ethical? Why validate a sinewy, effete, egoistic, weeping cripple with an anger management problem and a narcissistic personality who murdered a cutie - innocent socialite Reeva - with his Parabellum pistol and dumdum bullets? Ow! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! One, two, three, four! Elementary proof - Oscar decimated her! Where is imminent justice?

David Bourke with:
President Obama's warning to the ISIS:
“I have made it clear that we will hunt down terrorists
who threaten our country, wherever they are. This is a
core principle of my presidency: If you threaten America,
you will find no safe haven.
~
Hide away...I sincerely swear...the West, we'll comprehensively
search the Earth's corners, and then reduce you primitive twisted
anti-Christian vermin to a pulp, ya hear? But first...time for another
round or two of golf in Hawaii, anyone?"

View with:
Things To NEVER Tell Your Girlfriend
“You’re just like my ex.”
“You’re just like your mother.”
“Can you get rid of your friends?”
“Must you talk so much?”
“I’m too tired to have sex right now.”
“Can we have a threesome?”
“Your friend is so sexy.”
“Why are you so emotional?”
“It looks like you’ve put on some weight.”
=
Look, you remind me my former wife
Hey, you remind me your parents!
I hate your girls, OK!
Huh, so loud! Mute, just mute!
Have no vigor for coitus (I elude)
I long for sex with duet - two girls
Joy is one very neat, cute, sexy, attractive girl!
Er...take it easy, OK
Huh, honey, you not sexy - torso is swollen.OK!?

Jason Lofts with:
As the biographer Ron Chernow wrote of John D. Rockefeller, Senior: "What makes him problematic - and why he continues to inspire ambivalent reactions - is that his good side was every bit as good as his bad side was bad. Seldom has history produced such a contradictory figure."
=

He was a shrewd, shady billionaire boss who abjured both hard drink and tobacco. He became staggeringly rich foremost from Standard Oil corporate stock. Why, it's ironic how passionate he was over philanthropy (i.e. noted universities, museums etc.) for decades in his dotage.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Seven of the Most Exotic Delicacies in the World:

1. Argan Nut Oil from Morocco
2. The Singing French Ortolan
3. Fugu, the Japanese Puffer Fish
4. The Tarantula of Cambodia
5. Swallow’s Nest Soup from China
6. Casu Marzu, Italian Cheese and Maggots
7. Balut, the Not-yet-hatched Egg from Cambodia=
1. Comes from a goat that can climb high trees - go figure!
2. Songbird eaten whole, tufts of feather and all. Cruel!
3. Guaranteed most poisonous.
4. Arachnid - copious external hair
5. Concocted from saliva of the swift.
6. May just wiggle about in mouth and amaze.
7. Chef's enhancement: pinch of salt.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Seven of the Most Exotic Delicacies in the World:

1. Argan Nut Oil from Morocco
2. The Singing French Ortolan
3. Fugu, the Japanese Puffer Fish
4. The Tarantula of Cambodia
5. Swallow’s Nest Soup from China
6. Casu Marzu, Italian Cheese and Maggots
7. Balut, the Not-yet-hatched Egg from Cambodia
=
1. Comes out of a goat that climbs trees - go figure!
2. Uncommon songbird is eaten whole, feather tufts and all.
3. A poisonous catch.
4. Arachnid, crazy amount of external hair.
5. Produced from saliva of the swift.
6. Can wiggle and jiggle about the mouth.
7. Chef's enhancement is a mere pinch of salt.

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[A war sonnet is anagrammed into another sonnet about peace, which also contains a visual constraint detailed below it:]

Ella Wheeler Wilcox's War Sonnet

Above the chaos of impending ills,
Through all the clamour of insistent strife,
Now while the noise of arming nations fills
Each throbbing hour with menaces to life,
I hear the voice of Progress! Strange indeed
The shadowed pathways that lead up to light.
But as a runner sometimes will recede
That he may so accumulate his might,
Then with a will that needs must be obeyed
Rushes resistless to the goal with ease,
So the whole world seems now to retrograde,
Slips back to war, that it may speed to peace;
And in that backward step it gathers force
For the triumphant finish of its course.

=

The Horrible Hoax of War

When pundits strictly tell their mob to hate,
Or somehow use each issue to fuel fright,
Or in a chapel shout, "We mustn't wait!
The wretched hogs might trap us! Time to fight!",
We'd wince at the inept force of this bait.
This way can't heal those hearts or make life stronger;
As all the noble diplomats shall state,
"Peace is not swift at all, and war's much longer".
Men store a healthy stash of candid rage,
A widow airs dislike with every glare,
But for this genesis, we need this age
Of humble cheer - not panic or despair!
Though instant tenderness now should be awesome,
This epic miracle needs love to blossom.

[The sonnet contains the 7 Heavenly Virtues (chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness and humility) in such a way that they display the peace sign:]

When pundits strictly tell their mob to hate,
Or somehow use each issue to fuel fright,
Or in a chapel shout, "We mustn't wait!
The wretched hogs might trap us! Time to fight!",
We'd wince at the inept force of this bait.
This way can't heal those hearts or make life stronger;
As all the noble diplomats shall state,
"Peace is not swift at all, and war's much longer".
Men store a healthy stash of candid rage,
A widow airs dislike with every glare,
But for this genesis, we need this age
Of humble cheer - not panic or despair!
Though instant tenderness now should be awesome,
This epic miracle needs love to blossom.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE RULE BIBLE FOR GUYS
Rules from Men to Women

Men are NOT mind readers.

Learn to shift the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You never hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Sunday sport. It's like Time and the Changing of the Tides. Let it be.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let's be very clear about this. Subtle hints don't work on men; neither do big hints, neither do obvious hints. Just say it!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable replies to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you require our help solving it. That's what men do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

Anything we said three months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments may become null and void after a maximum of seven days.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

If something we've said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you'd like it done. Never both. If you already know the best way of doing it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say anything you have to say during the commercial breaks.

Christopher Columbus did NOT need to ask directions and neither do we.

ALL men see in only sixteen colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Aubergine is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it'll be scratched. Men do that.

If a man asks what's wrong and you reply 'nothing,' he'll act like nothing's wrong. He probably realizes you're fibbing, but it just isn't worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you might not want to hear.

If we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you're wearing is fine... Really.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you're prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor racing.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

I'm in shape. Round IS a shape!

A headache that lasts for eighteen months is a problem. See a doctor.

Beer is as enticing for us as handbags are for you.

Kindly remember these rules.
=

Rules - Men to Men:

Any man who takes a camera to a bachelor party may be lawfully killed and possibly eaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is quite okay for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
As soon as he sees Jennifer Aniston start to undo her blouse b) After wrecking your boss's Ferrari c) When your date is using her teeth

Unless he killed someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within twelve hours.

If you've known a guy for over twenty-four hours, his sister is out of bounds forever, unless you actually marry her.

The standard time you should have to wait for a guy who is running late is around six minutes. The longest waiting time allowed is seven minutes

Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, it is okay to moan at will if the temperature is too warm.

No man shall ever be expected to buy a birthday present for another man. (Even just knowing your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)

When coming upon some other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you should never ask who is playing.

Guys do not let their buddies wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

If another man's zipper is down, that is his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.

Women who say they "love to watch sport" should be treated as spies until they demonstrate a detailed knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

If you compliment a guy on his 'exquisite six-pack', you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

Phrases that may not be uttered directly to another man while he's lifting weights: a) Push it harder, sweet cheeks! b) Give me one more - now! c) One last set and we can hit the showers! d) Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?

Don't ever talk to a man in a toilet unless you are on an equal footing, i.e: both peeing, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation that is needed.

When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a way that also gives you no chance of hooking up either.

Thanks for reading this.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
PRIVATE DANCER
A song by Tina Turner

All the men come in these places
And the men are all the same
You don't look at their faces
And you don't ask their names

You don't think of them as human
You don't think of them at all
You keep your mind on the money
Keeping your eyes on the wall

I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
I'll do what you want me to do
I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
And any old music will do

I wanna make a million dollars
I wanna live out by the sea
Have a husband and some children
Yeah, I guess I want a family

All the men come in these places
And the men are all the same
You don't look at their faces
And you don't ask their names

I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
I'll do what you want me to do
I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
And any old music will do

I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
I'll do what you want me to do
Just a private dancer, a dancer for money
And any old music will do

Deutsch marks or dollars
American Express will do nicely, thank you
Let me loosen up your collar
Tell me, do you wanna see me do the shimmy again?

I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
I'll do what you want me to do
Just a private dancer, a dancer for money
And any old music will do

All the men come in these places
And the men are all the same
You don't look at their faces
And you don't ask their names

You don't think of them as human
No, you don't think of them at all
You keep your mind on the money
Keeping your eyes on the wall

I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
I'll do what you want me to do
I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
And any old music will do
(repeat and fade...)

=

PRIVATE DANCER
(Military two-step)

I'm a bored and lonely guardsman
In a dull old sentry box
Here outside the royal palace
Where I'm stood up like a rock

And the minutes really drag on
And you may not move or talk
And the folk outside the palace
Come to look and shout and gawk

They call me Private Dancer and say I'm a fool, 'cause
I played out my own kooky joke
Instead of a slow march I did pirouettes
To entertain all of you folk

They all say I'm in deep doodah
Yeah, and danced well out of line
My superiors are furious
And I could incur a fine

Or they may dole out a sentence
In a military jail
'Cause I'm trendin' now on YouTube
And I'm in the Daily Mail

I'm known as Private Dancer oh, man, it's not funny
And now I am stuck with the name
Private Dancer, he danced when on duty
And that's my one mad claim to fame

(Chorus)
Hey, Private Dancer, one mad, mental moment
May mean your career has to end,
Private Dancer, what unholy torment
Oh, you never meant to offend.

No euro or dollar
Could allay the sorrow that makes my emotions so raw
And, oh, I feel really hollow
Lemme tell you, I'll not shimmy on duty no more

(Chorus)
Hey, Private Dancer, one mad mental moment
May mean your career has to end
Private Dancer, what unholy torment
Oh, you never meant to offend.

All my life I'm true and loyal
(Damned unusual these days!)
Loyal to you kooky Royals
And if we sever our ways

Hell, I'll duly keep on prancing
Who knows, in another year?
I may do 'Strictly Come Dancing'
And have me a new career.

As a champion dancer, a dancer for money,
Don't mind any music you use,
A champion dancer, a dancer for money's
What I am intended to do. Ha!
(repeat and end)

Adie Pena with:
CRY ME A RIVER
by Julie London

Now you say you're lonely,
You cry the whole night through.
Well you can cry me a river,
Cry me a river,
I cried a river over you.

Now you say you're sorry,
For being so untrue.
Well you can cry me a river,
Cry me a river,
I cried a river over you.

You drove me, nearly drove me,
Out of my head;
While you never shed a tear.
Remember, I remember,
All that you said;
Told me love was too plebeian,
Told me you were through with me and...

Now you say you love me,
Well, just to prove you do,
Come on and cry me a river,
Cry me a river,
I cried a river over you.

=

GOODBYE JOAN RIVERS [1933-2014]

Now you're very clammy
Yet you're able to do.
Well you can cry, my ill Rivers;
Cry, my still Rivers.
We cried a river over you.

Now you are that moody,
Now vital you've the flu.
Well you can cry, my old Rivers;
Bye, my cold Rivers.
We cried a river over you.

Your glamour, that humour;
I enjoy dear
Every loud laugh eruption!
Remember, the performer
Mayhem I hear.
I love you are one comedienne;
You are somehow true with me and...

Now you are that lovely,
America, adieu.
Come on and cry, our one Rivers;
Bye, our gone Rivers.
Hey, we cried a river over you.

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