1st - Rosie Perera with:
Buy homeowner's insurance ~
in case your new home burns.
2nd - David Bourke with:
In the depths of despair ~
he spotted a friendship.
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The economy has improved a little now, so... ~
how come I still don't have money to spare?
Rosie Perera with:
The voice actors ~
echo over static.
Tyler Severance with:
Cannot find the buried treasure =
Disturbed earth on true finance!
Rosie Perera with:
Following the treasure map =
Hoping for wallet? Sure, mate.
View with:
The deforestations ~
foist death on trees.
Julian Lofts with:
The ear, nose and throat specialist =
He operates on trachea and slits it.
Adie Pena with:
Celebratory =
Cola?! Try beer!
Adie Pena with:
Endangered habitat =
Eden and a big threat.
Adie Pena with:
A last-minute holiday shopper =
One hastily had popular items.
Ellie Dent with:
The religious convert =
I recognise truth ... love.
Rosie Perera with:
Reducing one's carbon footprint =
Concept: go on bus or train, friend.
nedesto with:
Senility is creeping up on me =
I genuinely miss perception.
Tony Crafter with:
The upsetting result of domestic violence =
Gentler spouse is often the clouted victim.
Tyler Severance with:
Defensive couples might settle in court to ~
the upsetting result of domestic violence.
Christopher Sturdy with:
A snide remark =
I'm a dark sneer.
Christopher Sturdy with:
She was his soft and cuddly ten ~
and suddenly she's this fat cow.
Dean Mayer with:
The first year of marriage =
I may regret other affairs.
Dharam Khalsa with:
End elegant meal's din =
"Ladies and Gentlemen".
Rosie Perera with:
The negotiations between labor and management =
Both mean to settle anew on an abiding agreement.
Tyler Severance with:
Raving lunatic =
Vatican ruling.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Lies and gossip =
Gospel said, "Sin."
Adie Pena with:
Man-spreading =
Damn near pigs!
Ellie Dent with:
Snow is drifting ~
if wind is strong.
Christopher Sturdy with:
Torturing may spill out beans ~
but it is so morally repugnant!
Christopher Sturdy with:
Repeat offender =
Free, raped often.
David Bourke with:
The emotional support network =
People I know to more than trust!
David Bourke with:
On the crest of a wave =
Wafts over the ocean.
Meyran Kraus with:
The real things we, the ladies, look for in a guy: =
- Fit
- Wealthy
- A good listener
- Hung like a horse
Ivan Andonov with:
A person is morbidly obese =
Possible years in bedroom.
View with:
The bromance =
Both men care.
Tyler Severance with:
Career act is thriving =
The critics are raving.
Julian Lofts with:
Digital hoarding means ~
hiding data on large SIM.
Rosie Perera with:
Community garden site =
I try and get some cumin.
Larry Brash with:
Doctor-patient relationship =
Do treat itch or pain (not piles)...
Tyler Severance with:
Islam charter ‡
A Christ realm.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Hastiest orators condensed ~
short stories and anecdotes.
1st - View with:
The Broadway performances =
Award for best company here.
Eq2nd - David Bourke with:
Singer Ed Sheeran ~
needs rehearsing!
Eq2nd - Adie Pena with:
The traditional English carol 'The First Noel' =
Shine a real star tonight for one little child.
Tony Crafter with:
The Adoration of the Shepherds by El Greco =
Fond herders go apace to see the Holy birth.
nedesto with:
Walt Disney Animation Studio's feature Frozen =
Fay wizardess' unfettered mountain isolation.
Wei-Hwa Huang with:
Forrest Gump's friendship =
Groups different shrimps.
Dharam Khalsa with:
The Academy Award nominee "The Theory of Everything" =
Honored great achievement of the year. Why? Dynamite!!
Adie Pena with:
Poet Clement Clarke Moore's "A Visit from St. Nicholas" =
More folk mention top or classic Christmas Eve tale.
Julian Lofts with:
The film 'The Interview' is released =
We hear it's vile. I resented the film.
Meyran Kraus with:
Seth Rogen's action comedy The Interview =
A recent movie with the Sony credits gone.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Leonardo's famous masterpiece =
Some respect due for a "Mona Lisa".
Ellie Dent with:
The Santa Clause movie =
He must act as a live one!
Tony Crafter with:
Brazil's 'Christ The Redeemer' statue in Rio de Janeiro =
"Their art deco resident's rather, um... sizeable!" I rejoin.
Eq1st - David Bourke with:
Daily Mail readership mainly consists of ~
hysterically-impaired fools and simians.
Eq1st - nedesto with:
"Away in a manger, no crib for his bed" =
We sing in a choir for Mary and babe.
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Members of the New York Police Force =
We prefer to choke some men forcibly.
Adie Pena with:
The Christmas holiday shopping season =
Ho-ho-ho! Santa gets rich as I simply spend.
Rosie Perera with:
Synthetic designer drugs =
Teens' dying surged. Christ!
Rosie Perera with:
The No Social Security for Nazis Act =
Zero cash for anti-society lunatics.
Jason Lofts with:
Choke hold case =
Chose headlock.
Jesse Frankovich with:
President Obama's executive orders =
Various border amnesties expected.
Rosie Perera with:
Santa's workshop at the North Pole =
Task: Let's trap parents now. Ho, ho, ho!
Jason Lofts with:
Choke hold case =
Headlock's echo.
Rosie Perera with:
The widespread police brutality =
Irritable deputy cops wield heat.
nedesto with:
Balthasar, Melchior, Gaspar; Wise Men of the East. =
As we pilgrims chase a star afar on to Bethlehem.
Julian Lofts with:
Shrien Dewani not guilty =
Want erudition? He's lying!
Ellie Dent with:
The USA winter =
Nature's white.
View with:
The Senate Torture Report =
See, out the terror pattern.
Julian Lofts with:
Enhanced Interrogation Techniques =
Concentrate Iraqis in the dungeon, eh?
Adie Pena with:
National Ugly Christmas Sweater Day =
Mainstay against cold surly weather!
Rosie Perera with:
Drone-jet near miss =
Major trend is seen.
Rosie Perera with:
National Ugly Christmas Sweater Day =
Aunts are strangely whimsical today.
Maurice Goddard with:
Nervous breakdowns at Christmastime =
Common virus that's berserk, and I sweat!
View with:
Man Haron Monis =
A mannish moron.
Christopher Sturdy with:
The trouble in West Africa =
In truth, Ebola etc. was rife
Rosie Perera with:
The Sony hackers =
N. Korea's techy? Sh!
Tony Crafter with:
Posting all those annual Christmas cards again =
Groans, "It's such a pain; this'll cost an arm and a leg!"
Maurice Goddard with:
Posting all those annual Christmas cards again =
An aching ass, list chore's a darn nag, I'll STAMP OUT.
Julian Lofts with:
Burps point to presence of life on the red planet (Mars) =
Scene of 'onion farts' probed - little men erupt perhaps?
Rosie Perera with:
Vast network of hackers devoted to cyberwarfare =
North Korea vows to wreck every affected bastard.
Meyran Kraus with:
South Korean cyber-plots =
Top hackers trouble Sony.
Adie Pena with:
The cyberattacks on Sony Entertainment =
Ban testy North Korean enemy's net tactic!
Adie Pena with:
The NY cops Liu and Ramos =
The scandal in my poor US.
View with:
The Sony Pictures Hack =
Secret NK chaps hit you!
Julian Lofts with:
The singer Joe Cocker has died =
Gent's croaked - I cherished Joe.
Adie Pena with:
A flight from Surabaya, Indonesia to Singapore =
Oh no, dear! AirAsia plane off in a big gusty storm!
Julian Lofts with:
The war in Afghanistan is declared over now =
Ironclad antagonists have refrained. Whew!
Dharam Khalsa with:
Sonar locates wreckage of AirAsia Flight =
"I got a real weak echo of aircraft's signals."
Adie Pena with:
TIME Person of the Year: The Ebola Fighters =
One gets hope; their hearts beat for my life.
Adie Pena with:
Police brutality protests =
Typical trouble to persist.
Adie Pena with:
Hence, a wintry ~
weather in NYC.
Snafu I'll Jot with:
The Italian ferry Norman Atlantic =
A tinny fatal thermal incinerator
1st - View with:
Prime Minister Narendra Modi =
Smart premier in modern India.
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Professor Stephen William Hawking =
I'm wise, perhaps Knower of All Things.
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The academician, Professor Stephen William Hawking =
God-like chap's fate was imprisonment in a wheelchair.
Jason Lofts with:
Lego's Communications Manager Roar Rude Trangbaek =
Anagram: Absurd name! Interlocking's core to our game.
Adie Pena with:
The embattled Ferguson policeman Darren Wilson =
Michael Brown ruling eased; soon left department.
Jason Lofts with:
Patrick Schwarzenegger and Miley Cyrus =
Craggy chump and sirenic sleazy twerker.
Christopher Sturdy with:
Imelda May =
I'm a lady, me.
View with:
Victoria’s Secret Angel Alessandra Ambrosio =
Models as a certain original breast/ass cover
Ivan Andonov with:
Karen O =
Korean.
David Bourke with:
The American skier Cody Townsend =
I came down another risky descent!
Julian Lofts with:
Producer Scott Rudin's ~
conduct spurred riots
Rosie Perera with:
The actor Dennis William Quaid =
I am quite shallow and indirect.
Mark Huffman with:
Santa =
At NSA?
David Bourke with:
Marilyn 'Mandy' Rice-Davies =
I drily serviced many a man!
Larry Brash with:
Mandy Rice-Davies =
"I'd many vices, Dear."
Ellie Dent with:
The late Mandy Rice Davies =
She admitted an early vice.
Rosie Perera with:
House Majority Whip Steve Scalise =
My view: "Jesus, is he a racist too? Help!"
Dharam Khalsa with:
The President of Russia, Vladimir Putin =
This dominant ruler paid furtive spies.
Eq1st - Ed Pegg Jr with:
Sony Pictures =
PS: No security.
Eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The pedestrian crossing in Abbey Road =
A certain boy-band poses here, striding.
3rd - nedesto with:
Ugly Sweater Day =
Wear gaudy style!
Adie Pena with:
The Lego Group, Denmark =
Huge, prolonged market.
Rosie Perera with:
The AustralAsian Academy of Anti-Ageing Medicine =
Agenda's ahead: I aim to manage -- in fact, cure -- senility.
Rosie Perera with:
Acoustic neuroma =
Contumacious ear.
View with:
Treaty on the Non-Proliferation of Nuclear Weapons =
O, we prefer any nation clear of U- plants or the notion!
Rosie Perera with:
National Endowment for the Arts =
Monies for that one drawn talent.
Rosie Perera with:
The Los Angeles Fire Department ~
responding, settle a flame there.
Adie Pena with:
Walt Disney Animation Studios =
I'd do a witty Mouse in its annals.
Rosie Perera with:
Enhanced Interrogation Techniques =
No training. Consequence: their death.
Ellie Dent with:
The Glacier National Park =
All gather atop an ice rink?
Rosie Perera with:
The mosquito-borne Chikungunya virus =
Quite vicious to hungry broken humans.
View with:
The Islamic State militants =
Hate/ antisemitism still act.
David Bourke with:
Sony Pictures Entertainment Incorporated =
Studio, open transparency to internet crime.
Ivan Andonov with:
Central Asia =
A clear –istan.
1st - Jason Lofts with:
Last six Presidents of the USA:
1. Carter
2. Reagan
3. George H. W. Bush (Senior)
4. Clinton
5. George W. Bush; and
6. Obama
=
1. Peanut grower
2. A "B" actor
3. Made cash boring oil
4. He had sex with a fast intern
5. Useless bugger
6. Negro's son.
Jason Lofts with:
Last six Presidents of the USA:
1. Carter
2. Reagan
3. George H. W. Bush (Senior)
4. Clinton
5. George W. Bush
6. Obama
=
1. Grew peanuts
2. A "B" actor
3. Got rich from oil
4. He's had sex with an intern
5. George's useless son
6. A bugbear?
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The four Beatles band members:
1. John Lennon
2. Paul McCartney
3. George Harrison
4. Ringo Starr
=
1. He pens all the fancy songs
2. One cerebral singer
3. Born to jam on guitar
4. Abhorrent drummer
3rd - Maurice Goddard with:
Things people are embarrassed to ask the doctor about
=
Blocked pooh
Masturbation
Hard to pee
Rear gas
Testes
Jason Lofts with:
Phoenix police officer shoots dead unarmed black man during scuffle =
Kerfuffle is behind death of colored man as cop produces gun in climax.
Tony Crafter with:
CREEP in First Class to air hostess: And what's your name, sweet cheeks?
HOSTESS: Gemma Dolores Benz, sir.
CREEP: Lovely choice ~ of name. Any relation to Mercedes Benz?
HOSTESS: Very close, sir.
CREEP: (laughs) That's wicked! How close?
HOSTESS: Same price, sir.
Maurice Goddard with:
A darned irritating rigid lame duck bellyacher pair merit V-signs in contempt! So bye,
~
Great Britain's Tory Prime Minister David Cameron, and his Liberal Deputy Nick Clegg!
Dharam Khalsa with:
Things people are embarrassed to ask the doctor about
=
Crabs
Leakage
Open haemorrhoids
Prostate test (but do!)
Julian Lofts with:
The New York Mayor Bill de Blasio on the Eric Garner case =
"Sorry, I'm certain nobody broke a law here, hence it's legal"
Rosie Perera with:
"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." (Henry David Thoreau) =
Most of us have the equivalent of hidden depression: a dream reality.
View with:
World War III Coming? Russian State Media Claims US House Resolution ‘One Step’ Closer to ‘All-Out War’
=
Moscow airs a real ultimatum to Washington - stop eerie, suicidal sanction or we'll use our soldiers.
Maurice Goddard with:
One brightest Star of Bethlehem was a miraculous sign.
=
Great glow, so beautiful. Christ the Messiah's born! Amen.
Adie Pena with:
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live." - George Carlin
=
Each 'Jingle Bells' season, an eager St. Nicholas will arrive at Kim's to eye her whole big round ass!
Ellie Dent with:
A college divulged a female hormone's in beer. 100 grown men got drafted in (to support it, okay?), each told to get a dozen pints down.
=
100 per cent gained weight, talked too much, got emotional, drove badly, and refused to apologize if wrong. No more tests
planned.
Rosie Perera with:
Top trending Google searches for 2014:
1. Robin Williams
2. World Cup
3. Ebola
4. MH370
5. ALS
6. Flappy Bird
7. Conchita Wurst
8. ISIS
9. Frozen
10. Sochi
=
1. Died
2. Brazil hosts
3. Global illness
4. Disappearance (007?)
5. 4...3...2...1...Ow! (if so much ice on noggin)
6. WTF?
7. Who?
8. Scary, corrupt, horrible
9. Film
10. Sport
Adie Pena with:
The Army Public School and Degree College, Peshawar, Pakistan
=
Local children massacred by a people who keep using that rage.
Julian Lofts with:
What should one anticipate ever seeing in hospital's casualty ward?
=
An aortic dissection! Give adrenaline stat! Push! Wow, a healthy pulse!
nedesto with:
In a deadly act of butchering and slaughtering mercilessly
~
fierce Taliban thugs do madly gun children at a grisly scene.
Julian Lofts with:
A List of Five Things Cuba is So Famous For
1. The Cigars
2. Fidel Castro
3. The Rum
4. The Cuban Dancing
5. The Baseball
=
1. First huge, fat Cohibas, Montecristo - thus certified
2. Gruff 'El Comandante'
3. Havana Club
4. Salsa - sigh!
5. Béisbol
Maurice Goddard with:
In a deadly act of butchering and slaughtering mercilessly
~
fierce Taliban thugs do madly gun children at a grisly scene.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Five foods that fight aging:
Oatmeal
Coffee
Mozarella Cheese
Grapefuit
Walnuts
=
Maple granola
Caffeine vim
Gee, Ziti!
Defeats fat of age
Watch out for tough shells!
Adie Pena with:
Sent by a spiteful impassioned North Korea to America: ~
"The U.S. President Obama is ... a monkey in a tropical forest."
1st - Adie Pena with:
What do anagrammatists predict would be the most trending topic of all in the year Two Thousand Fifteen?
=
Can
Ruin
You To
Spot or watch
The two diminishing
Attempts
Led
Before and
After that mad
Long wasted
Life.
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"What do anagrammatists predict would be the most trending topic of all in the year Two Thousand Fifteen?"
=
Nope, it won't be the EU, the end of the deficit or an upcoming total war... Sadly, it's that goddamn Star Wars film!
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
"What do anagrammatists predict would be the most trending topic of all in the year Two Thousand Fifteen?
=
Now, after a mammoth twenty thousand facelifts, Cher is spotted going around with a little pointed beard...
Rosie Perera with:
I'd add: actors with ample tits will remain on front page, fetch most hits on YouTube, and often get the award.
Julian Lofts with:
Democrat and sad widow Hillary Clinton attempting to be the first woman President of the U.S. A tough feat!
Dharam Khalsa with:
Watch who has a meltdown after the Pontiff's comments on outdated religion and better spirituality. Gad!
David Bourke with:
Fight in the West to stop decapitation by the sword of the fundamental Islamic-law nutter...or Armageddon!
Maurice Goddard with:
I hate to admit, nothing new. Damn rotten weather stuff, total doom, ALWAYS preoccupied daft English Brits!
nedesto with:
I caution that twitter herds will retweet so many offhand comments about life, death and goat droppings.
Adie Pena with:
I'm tempted to state that China's trade is half going downward, the U.S. economy will profit and be fortunate.
Tyler Severance with:
A few wordsmiths mouthed:
A fanatic battlefront in the Middle East and Pope can resign without glory. OTT?
David Bourke with:
Twitter may concentrate on that old dog Mrs West's huge fat aft, and in addition, about her pimp's whole life!
Tyler Severance with:
Afghanistan withdraw demand
Age of Ultron is Not the top film
Bothersome police duty and race test twit.
Maurice Goddard with:
It's tidy stuff I draw up: How to meet climate change in hotter polar regions that abandoned fast melt down.
Julian Lofts with:
The attraction of the lewd steatopygian (wide arsed) Armenian bottom to cloddish men (WTF!) - alright fun's up!
Dharam Khalsa with:
We might post on facts:
Police brutality
Defiant detention
Afghan withdrawal
And...some torture methods
Dharam Khalsa with:
Obamacare open enrollment date software glitches, with disputation, off-attitude, and downright myths.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Unemployment
Ghetto problem
Drug addiction
Racial deaths
Wait, that date's now...NOW...not Father's 'fifties!
Maurice Goddard with:
A pure ego? Mey, tc, Adie, Dharam, db, HSP, nedesto, two Lofts, and all other fanatic nuttier NOM twits, fight to win!
Dharam Khalsa with:
We will not show interest in that era of charming fat cat, daft pet dog, and toddler mishap items on YouTube.
Maurice Goddard with:
Ditto is: The red-hot new Anagram Genius from that worthy and acclaimed pottiest boffin, W. Tunstall-Pedoe!
Larry Brash with:
Tonight, old Anagrammy stalwarts, without conflict, shout: "Oppose Debra Dee Freeman, that defined nitwit.
Christopher Sturdy with:
Let's put a few of our winners in shops, and if we donated the tome to charity it might attract global demand?!
View with:
Fools addicted to the prophecy! We smart, than we don't imagine that future. We smart - ain't giant blind fools!
Rosie Perera with:
Colbert to supersede Letterman on Late Show. Might his daft affirming "Nation" owe duty, watch, and adopt it?
Adie Pena with:
The status of the anagram will beat the daft palindrome among the profound crowds in nitwitted society.
Ellie Dent with:
Worldwide botheration;
Computing watchfulness
Hate, damnation
Yet largesse
Add to that, fit
Men PROFIT!
Dharam Khalsa with:
Watch for a noted member's witty 'gram that does depict Putin's hotheaded flouting of international laws.
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'There's A Certain Slant Of Light' by Emily Dickinson
There's a certain Slant of light,
Winter Afternoons —
That oppresses, like the Heft
Of Cathedral Tunes —
Heavenly Hurt, it gives us —
We can find no scar,
But internal difference,
Where the Meanings, are —
None may teach it — Any —
'Tis the Seal Despair —
An imperial affliction
Sent us of the Air —
When it comes, the Landscape listens —
Shadows — hold their breath —
When it goes, 'tis like the Distance
On the look of Death —
=
A Lone Snowman In The Lane
Infinities
Of idle sleet
Are cast across
A rustic street;
This can eclipse
The scenic glee
That occupants
Awoke to see.
But one terrain
No veil can hide;
Our fervent knight
Is keen, coal-eyed.
The snowflakes fall
Yet this can't pain
This sentry, here
On my fair lane.
The frosted drafts
Won't mar that pine;
They're prone to fear
His fine, white shine,
And when their breaths
Shall fog this night,
That beam should aid
A sled mid-flight.
2nd - Jason Lofts with:
La Belle Dame Sans Merci
by John Keats
O what can ail thee, knight-at-arms,
Alone and palely loitering?
The sedge has withered from the lake,
And no birds sing.
O what can ail thee, knight-at-arms,
So haggard and so woe-begone?
The squirrel’s granary is full,
And the harvest’s done.
I see a lily on thy brow,
With anguish moist and fever-dew,
And on thy cheeks a fading rose
Fast withereth too.
I met a lady in the meads,
Full beautiful—a faery’s child,
Her hair was long, her foot was light,
And her eyes were wild.
I made a garland for her head,
And bracelets too, and fragrant zone;
She looked at me as she did love,
And made sweet moan
I set her on my pacing steed,
And nothing else saw all day long,
For sidelong would she bend, and sing
A faery’s song.
She found me roots of relish sweet,
And honey wild, and manna-dew,
And sure in language strange she said—
‘I love thee true’.
She took me to her Elfin grot,
And there she wept and sighed full sore,
And there I shut her wild wild eyes
With kisses four.
And there she lullèd me asleep,
And there I dreamed—Ah! woe betide!—
The latest dream I ever dreamt
On the cold hill side.
I saw pale kings and princes too,
Pale warriors, death-pale were they all;
They cried—‘La Belle Dame sans Merci
Hath thee in thrall!’
I saw their starved lips in the gloam,
With horrid warning gapèd wide,
And I awoke and found me here,
On the cold hill’s side.
And this is why I sojourn here,
Alone and palely loitering,
Though the sedge is withered from the lake,
And no birds sing.
=
Raising Bedlam with Mademoiselle Miley Cyrus
- A Sordid Tale
Jason Lofts
A deranged girl is on a wrecking ball,
Lonely and lewdly twerking:
An underdressed shepherdess
Masquerading in a string.
She suggestively licked a sledgehammer,
This degenerate Disney lass,
Swaggering and unashamedly
Showing off her ass.
With pasties plastered on her tits,
Half-naked, lewd and willing,
Young Miley gyrated flirtatiously,
Her followers a-thrilling.
Serenaded by Robin Thicke on MTV,
She twerked and enthralled.
Though others such as Will Smith
And young family were appalled.
We watched her shuddering in flagrante,
The dishevelled sweaty jezebel;
Brandishing a tasteless foam dildo,
A much desired titillating belle.
O how heedless and wholehearted,
She degenerated even more,
Middle-aged fathers and mothers
Called her a loathsome hoidenish whore.
O, her wanton naked tawdriness
Caused an infinite outrage.
Had she been inhaling on a hashish pipe
Before installing herself on stage?
A wholesome paragon of womanhood, oh not!
Bleating Sinead O'Connor was interviewed,
Entreated her to stop her deviant fantasies,
Uneffeminate, witless old Irish prude!
Once more, dear Miley, andante!
She twerked and thrashed away like mad,
Little did she know she'd created
The year's hottest new fad.
All together now, twerk it up:
Ooh-aah-aah, harder, ooh-aah-ooh!
A wild and fallen maiden,
The trashier the better, it's true!
(Refrain: Ooh-aah-aah, ooh-aah-ooh!)
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
SOME AMAZING (AND SOME DECIDEDLY HORRID) FACTS
If you'd yelled solidly for 8 years, 6 months and 5 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas would be generated to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Hey, that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps round the body to squirt blood 30 feet into the air.
(Wow!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(Double wow!!)
Is that why they're always squealing?
A cockroach will live for nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses up 150 calories an hour.
(Er, don't try this at home; maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home . What the f...?)
The flea can jump 350 times its own body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(Now what could be that darned tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still cannot believe that pig.... quality over quantity!)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I had always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmm....)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed ones do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(Indeed? I wonder - how much did it cost the government to work that one out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some humans like that.)
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some humans like that as well.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switched, wouldn't they live a lot longer?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
=
WAYS TO FINISH A RELATIONSHIP QUICKLY
My wife has been dropping hints to me about what she wants for our upcoming anniversary. Recently, she said, 'Ooh, I want something that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds!'
So I got her a set of bathroom scales.
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Lite beer for $13.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream costing $7.85.
I told her the Lite would make her look a lot better at night than the cold cream.
Then the fight started....
My wife asked me if a certain velvet outfit made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the one that she wore yesterday.
A man and a woman were woken from a joyous post-coital sleep at 3.00 o'clock in the morning by a noise outside.
The woman leapt from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!' The perplexed man leapt out of bed still naked and jumped out of the window.
He crashed to the ground, ran through a mass of thorn bushes and off to his car as fast as he could go.
A few moments later he returned, torn and bloody, and yelled at the woman, 'Hold on a minute... I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Exactly! So why were you running?'
Last Saturday I got up early; quietly put my clothes on; had some coffee; made lunch and slipped out to the garage.
I tied the boat up to the Volvo then drove off, straight into a torrential downpour.
A lively 50 mph gale was blowing, so I pulled back into the garage, switched on the radio, and heard that the weather was set to be the same all day.
I tiptoed back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped into bed. I snuggled up against my snoozing wife and, cupping her breasts suggestively, I whispered in quiet anticipation: 'It's me, sexy; the weather out there is awful.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe that my stupid husband is out fishing in all that?'
Then the fight started...
A woman is sitting in the cool of the evening on the veranda with her husband.
She says gently, “Oh, I love you so very much.”
He smiles shyly, and says, “Is that you or the wine talking?
She says, “It’s me talking to the wine."
Adie Pena with:
WE THREE KINGS OF ORIENT ARE
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
[Chorus] O Star of wonder, star of night
Star with royal beauty bright
Westward leading, still proceeding
Guide us to Thy perfect light
Born a King on Bethlehem's plain
Gold I bring to crown Him again
King forever, ceasing never
Over us all to reign
[Repeat Chorus]
Frankincense to offer have I
Incense owns a Deity nigh
Prayer and praising, all men raising
Worship Him, God most high
[Repeat Chorus]
Myrrh is mine, its bitter perfume
Breathes of life of gathering gloom
Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying
Sealed in the stone-cold tomb
[Repeat Chorus]
Glorious now behold Him arise
King and God and Sacrifice
Alleluia, Alleluia
Earth to heav'n replies
[Repeat Chorus]
=
WE FOUR LADS OF ABBEY ROAD FAME
We four lads of Abbey Road fame;
Liverpool Brits, we made a name.
Fab Four higher, The Beatles greater
Millionaires we became!
[Chorus]
Oh, songs with stories, flowed with fun!
Lead guitar is Harrison,
With bass McCartney, drummer Starkey,
Don't ignore ranting Lennon.
Too halfhearted, Girl insisting;
Afraid to kiss All My Loving.
See Lovely Rita in Nirvana,
Innocent, Oh! Darling.
[Repeat Chorus]
Hooligans finishing Ticket to Ride;
Fire into flood, are spinning inside.
And I Love Her Helter Skelter,
Urchins sighed, infants cried.
[Repeat Chorus]
Wrongdoing Eggmen engaging,
Gargantuan Piggies gorging,
Fool on the Hill, Bungalow Bill,
Sun King imagining!
[Repeat Chorus]
Work on riffs, Day Tripper;
Too artistic Sgt. Pepper!
Come Together with no other;
Here, There and Everywhere.
[Repeat Chorus]
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The real things we, the ladies, look for in a guy: =
Fit - Wealthy - A good listener - Hung like a horse.
2nd - Julian Lofts with:
Developer of Viagra®, Dr Simon Campbell, is knighted =
He gave limp pokers firm, bold, grand, valid e®ections
3rd - David Bourke with:
Bromance =
Nob cream.
Julian Lofts with:
Spanish population of Catalonia like to practise ~
anal copulation ("poke poo"). This priest is fanatical.
View with:
To experience the orgasm =
Great 'n' top sex! Here I come!
Adie Pena with:
The porno cinema actress ~
charms an erect penis, too!
Rick Rothstein with:
The porno cinema's actress ~
promotes nice arse, snatch.
nedesto with:
The dirty book store =
Stroke it by the door.
Tony Crafter with:
A wart on my penis =
Any woman priest!