Nominations for June, 2015

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Miss USA Pageant =
Man gapes at tushies.

2nd - Larry Brash with:
Anabolic steroids =
Solid abs creation.

3rd - Jason Lofts with:
Thomas Cruise Mapother IV also known as Tom Cruise =
His most moronic partner was vacuous Katie Holmes.

Jesse Frankovich with:
FIFA soccer: a ~
farce, fiasco!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Theme song "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" =
Holy Smokes, the gentle "Life of Brian" hit was good!

Tony Crafter with:
The flatulist 'Le Petomane' =
A foul little methane-pest!

Rosie Perera with:
Von Miller is the fartiest Denver Bronco =
Art form involved noise, terrible stench.

Rosie Perera with:
Ferris Bueller's Day Off ~
absurdly offers relief.

Rosie Perera with:
Von Miller is the fartiest Denver Bronco =
Bent over to deliver farm-sirloin stench.

Jesse Frankovich with:
American Pharoah wins the Belmont =
No man beat him; he has a Triple Crown!

Mark Huffman with:
Von Miller is the fartiest Denver Bronco =
"Served" leftover ribs remnant. On to chili!

Adie Pena with:
'Flower Drum Song' musical: "I Enjoy Being a Girl" =
Bruce Jenner said, "If I'm glowingly glamorous."

Josiah Winslow with:
The famous performing artist Michael Jackson =
He's a king, a perfect form...just a Smooth Criminal.

Tony Crafter with:
The popular Andrew Lloyd Webber stage musical 'Cats' =
At length, puss-power all but cleared Broadway's mice!

View with:
The Hunchback of Notre-Dame by Victor Hugo =
Hah, French book covered big touchy mutant!

Ellie Dent with:
Will Shakespeare's comedy: A Midsummer Night's Dream =
Smile: A meddlesome sprite - such merrymaking was had!

Snafu I'll Jot with:
The Disney animated comedy film "Inside Out" =
Cinema demystified emotion - suddenly a hit!

Dharam with:
The famous (late) bass player Chris Squire =
It's clear, he's the quasar of "Yes" albums - RIP.

Josiah Winslow with:
The World's Largest Music Festival in Milwaukee =
What a swell, skilled guitar voice in Summerfest!

Adie Pena with:
Beatles hit song 'While My Guitar Gently Weeps' =
Yes, they want it -- George's 'White Album' LP single!

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
Donald Trump is to run for President of the USA =
Note: I'd for sure not support this dreadful man!

2nd - Scott Gardner with:
The Confederate flag =
Great offence halted.

3rd - Adie Pena with:
The magazine 'Vanity Fair': "Call me Caitlyn" =
Hence, I am finally amazingly attractive!

Mark Huffman with:
Vanity Fair's cover debuts "Caitlyn Jenner" =
TV's Bruce: yeti-faced tranny. No "javelin," sir?

Rosie Perera with:
The former Bruce Jenner is now female: Caitlyn =
Watch male reborn: reflects feminine journey.

David Bourke with:
Bruce has transformed into Caitlyn =
Ardent to conceal his furry man bits!

Jason Lofts with:
Caitlyn Jenner gets her own TV reality show 'I am Cait' =
Viewers enjoy watching 'America's Hot Little Tranny'.

Mark Huffman with:
Von Miller is the fartiest Denver Bronco =
Involved errant noise let from britches.

View with:
Erdogan's triple defeat =
Daft leader, no prestige.

Jason Lofts with:
Von Miller is the fartiest Denver Bronco =
Revolt is over latrine scent from behind.

Josiah Winslow with:
The two escaped prisoners from New York =
Word to press: cops know they remain free.

Jason Lofts with:
Von Miller is the fartiest Denver Bronco =
NFL receivers tried solvent in bathroom.

Jesse Frankovich with:
Cop is fierce enforcer, goes ballistic =
Police officer Eric Casebolt resigns.

Jesse Frankovich with:
The prison escapees =
See coppers in haste.

Scott Gardner with:
Prison escape =
Cops seen pair?

Rosie Perera with:
Von Miller is the fartiest Denver Bronco =
Devolves into terrible rhino-farm scent.

Jason Lofts with:
Von Miller is the fartiest Denver Bronco =
Violent corrosive farts blind men there.

Jason Lofts with:
Von Miller is the fartiest Denver Bronco =
Once favorite TV dinners smelt horrible.

Julian Lofts with:
Let's face reality, Greece is bankrupt =
"Fiscally teetering," reputes a backer.

Rosie Perera with:
NAACP leader Rachel Dolezal =
Zero cred ahead; all pale clan.

Jason Lofts with:
The English actor Sir Christopher Lee is dead =
Latest: Horror ace dies, is held in high respect.

Jesse Frankovich with:
Donald Trump for US President =
Run endorsed stupid platform.

Rosie Perera with:
"The dog meat industry is fighting a losing battle." =
Don't grill sentient Fido as tasty! Get him a big hug!

Rosie Perera with:
Airplane stowaway plunges to his death =
Analyst: "Got inside wheel apparatus. How?!"

Ellie Dent with:
The Summer Solstice celebration at Stonehenge =
Heathen meeting: to scramble to relics to see sun.

Rosie Perera with:
Petition to South Carolina: Remove Confederate flag! =
Go on, man! Deletion of the racist feature over capitol.

Rosie Perera with:
Hexagonal water =
New hoax at large.

David Bourke with:
The Yulin Dog Meat Festival =
Ah so! I'd get a velly fine mutt!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Charleston, South Carolina =
Alas on church's toleration

David Bourke with:
The present financial situation of the Greeks =
It's up shit creek again...often no retsina left, eh!

Julian Lofts with:
The Tunisian Seifeddine Rezgui =
"I seized a gun, fire, stun, then I die."

Rosie Perera with:
The escaped murderer David Sweat ~
was armed, captured. He deserved it.

Adie Pena with:
Greece closes banks =
See screens go black!

Ellie with:
The Tunisian beach massacre =
It's such macabre, insane hate.

Jesse Frankovich with:
Greece asks for a new bailout =
Broke region a wasteful case.

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Jason Lofts with:
Thomas Cruise Mapother IV =
He triumphs as movie actor.

2nd - Ad Absurdum with:
Senator Bernie Sanders =
One earnest brand rises.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The late French military leader Napoleon Bonaparte =
A tiny emperor, heroic battle-planner and a lethal foe.

Josiah Winslow with:
Popular teenage artist Justin Drew Bieber =
Just write real boring tunes, be paid, repeat

Jesse Frankovich with:
Christopher Carandini Lee =
His niche: an elder actor. RIP.

Julian Lofts with:
Dr. Sergio Canavero =
A corrosive danger.

Jesse Frankovich with:
The Olympic decathlon gold medalist Bruce Jenner =
Behold! Notice morphed gender: "Just call me Caitlyn."

Adie Pena with:
The British novelist and journalist Ian Fleming =
That James Bond, fine thin girls, routine villains.

David Bourke with:
Ian Salter-Bromley =
I'm only arrestable!

David Bourke with:
Alexis Tsipras, the Prime Minister of Greece =
"I promise crisis, great pain!" (He's extreme left).

Larry Brash with:
Dylann Storm Roof =
Not normal. Fry, sod!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Simon Rattle =
Tonal merits

Julian Lofts with:
Edward Sheeran? =
Answer: Redhead.

Julian Lofts with:
Nicole Kidman ~
in mock denial.

View with:
The Jordanian Crown Prince Hussein =
I join an uncharted richness 'n' power

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Jesse Frankovich with:
Egad! So the other day I sure was surprised, beaten up by this cross and firm-bosomed woman while in the elevator.
=
I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press one?" So I did. I don't remember very much after that.

2nd - Ellie Dent with:
A blonde was telling her friend: 'It is really I who made my husband what he is today ... a millionaire.'
=
'I say, I'm delighted! And now then, Sally, what was he, Dan, before you married him?'

'Still a billionaire.'

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The World's Busiest Airports

1. Hartsfield-Jackson
2. Beijing Capital
3. Heathrow
4. Tokyo Haneda
5. Los Angeles International
=
1. Atlanta has world's top flight hub!
2. Chinese takeaway
3. Big noise in London
4. Japan's soarers corridor
5. The LA jet-set like it!

Richard Grantham with:
War is Peace
Freedom is Slavery
Ignorance is Strength
=
Greed is Parsimony
Glories are Craven
The News is Fact

Jason Lofts with:
IS militant divulges location with social media picture: U.S. Air Force
=
Touché! Vigilant USAF spot clue, eliminated idiotic Islamic warriors.

David Bourke with:
Von Miller, the outside linebacker for the Denver Broncos team
=
Remove the vile smell? One scenario...find a butt end cork, brother!

Josiah Winslow with:
Microsoft announces new Xbox One with more storage space and lower retail cost
=
Tomorrow, a nation brawls to spend on next excuse for a console...TWICE! Sheer magic.

Julian Lofts with:
Contentious parole is suggested for the 'Blade Runner'
=
No regret - tough felon busted prisoner's delicate anus

Josiah Winslow with:
Obama approves sending up to four hundred and fifty more US troops to Iraq
=
President's for moving a thousand equipped army troops out abroad for fun.

Dharam Khalsa with:
“I'm not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I know that I'm not dumb. I also know I'm not blonde.” - Dolly Parton
=
Hello, I work to benefit mankind, am bold, confident, open book to tabloid news, no dummy, sly, and jumbo busted!

Jason Lofts with:
Spanish bullfighter gored in groin leaving testicle 'eviscerated' at San Isidro festival in Madrid =
Matador given frightening cornada en testículos as vilified livid steer tried spearing his balls.

David Bourke with:
Chris Evans confirmed as the replacement Top Gear host =
Hence he's another complete prat driving some fast cars.

Jason Lofts with:
Let's Make America Great Again!: Donald Trump for President =
Real estate king's candidature pre-programmed to fail, man!

David Bourke with:
Let's Make America Great Again!: Donald Trump for President =
Man rolls campaign in registered trademark: A daft toupée!

Jesse Frankovich with:
Let's Make America Great Again!: Donald Trump for President =
Strange tirade and platform (and toupee) are real gimmicks!

Dharam Khalsa with:
The slogan: "Let's Make America Great Again!: Donald Trump for President" =
Not smart! A stark danger if road-rampaging man is elected: "Hell toupée"

Julian Lofts with:
'Carpet of crabs' covers Southern Californian beaches =
Pacific lobster crustaceans brace for onshore 'haven'.

Adie Pena with:
Clementa, Cynthia,
Daniel, DePayne,
Ethel, Myra,
Sharonda, Suzie,
And Tywanza ~
All shot dead.
An enemy, a citizen.
Hazy day.
An unearthly end.
Americans wept.

db with:
The rapper Kanye West crudely "singing" Bohemian Rhapsody at the Glastonbury festival in Somerset =
Brian May has spoken: "Stop the totally hopeless twat!". (Yes, Freddie Mercury began turning in his grave!).

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
"Beauty will save the world" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
Holy fire! Thats twaddle, you idiot! Everybody knows it's Love.

2nd - Rob Bretveld with:
"Beauty will save the world." (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
We'd obviously like that story's view today. Did Helen of Troy?

3rd - Jesse Frankovich with:
"Beauty will save the world." (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
"Hostility, however? To feed it will destroy us. Vodka, anybody?"
Rosie Perera with:
"Beauty will save the world" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
Absurdity! Why do we need diversity of lovely shit to look at?

Rosie Perera with:
"Beauty will save the world" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
Lovely deity does lift us toward heaven. It's why I do try book.

Ellie Dent with:
"Beauty will save the world" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
Did try to show beauty, art, is holy: it widely evokes fond love.

Josiah Winslow with:
"Beauty will save the world" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
Ah, don't we yet like the diversity of today's world? Obviously.

Josiah Winslow with:
"Beauty will save the world" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
Today, we do this: sit and briefly view the lovely outdoor sky.

Josiah Winslow with:
"Beauty will save the world" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
Every day, I'd walk out by this oh so tidy flower to send it love.

Jason Lofts with:
"Beauty will save the world" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
See the Vanity Fair oddity story? Wow, but she did look lovely!

Adie Pena with:
"Beauty will save the world" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
I do study, too. Vanity will rid the world of heavy obese tykes!

Jesse Frankovich with:
"Beauty will save the world" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
You'll do this best, too, via kindly words to the wife every day!

Jason Lofts with:
Beauty will save the world" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
Vanity Fair: White bloke, who's very oddly styled too, is outed.

Larry Brash with:
"Beauty will save the world" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
You low folk we voted in today visibly destroyed this Earth.

Jesse Frankovich with:
"Beauty will save the world." (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
And fatty with hideous looks will vie to destroy everybody?

View with:
"Beauty will save the world" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
Hi, okay!..but toothy evil devil destroys safety worldwide, no?

Jesse Frankovich with:
"Beauty will save the world." (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
But, look, will views of the shoddy variety destroy it one day?

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Beauty will save the world" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
She did love dirty untidy Beast, who took a wife - lovely story!

David Bourke with:
"Beauty will save the world" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
Look out, everybody...the N.W.O.'s heavy fist will destroy it, I add.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Beauty will save the world" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
He tried it, yet we told you, Bolsheviks avoid any lofty words.

Rosie Perera with:
"Beauty will save the world" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
Now Soviets say vodka did it. Yet their theory would be folly.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Beauty will save the world" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
Why did we avoid lofty literature on tidy bookshelves? Toys!

Rosie Perera with:
"Beauty will save the world" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
Yo! I've studied lofty novel The Brothers K. Way too wild, I'd say.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Beauty will save the world" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
"Then, I will devote years to it - avid study of holy books" (W. Dyer)

Adie Pena with:
"Beauty will save the world." (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
You heavy dairy-devoted tots will sink the world of obesity!

View with:
"Beauty will save the world" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
Key? We will avoid the horrible, odd, devious, softy, nosy, tatty!

Snafu I'll Jot with:
"Beauty will save the world" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
We idiot honeys duly vow to defeat bloodthirsty Valkyries

Maurice Goddard with:
"Beauty will save the world" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
Hoy! That's everybody? Life's weird naive dotty outlook's wild!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Beauty will save the world" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
If we study bodily history, we're all devoted to vanity's hook.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Beauty will save the world" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
We'd look at wild evils today, but nod "Yes" to verify his theory.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
"Beauty will save the world" (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
Do, lovely folks, you have to! (With brains did we yet destroy it.)

Adie Pena with:
"Beauty will save the world." (Fyodor Dostoyevsky in The Idiot) =
I look yellowy but I try. With savvy, I'd defeat the odds sooner!

THE LONG CATEGORY/H4>
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Arnold and his wife Maggie were cleaning out their attic one day when they came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamp showed it to be over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might've forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

“Do you reckon the shoes will still be in the shop?” Arnold said.

“I'm guessing it would be very unlikely,” said Maggie, giggling.

“It’s worth a try though,” said Arnold.

Then, grabbing the ticket, he went downstairs, got into his car, and drove to the repair shop.

When Arnold arrived at the repairers, he went inside and, with a straight face, handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

With an equally straight face, the man said, “Just a minute sir, I’ll have to go and look for these.” And he disappeared into the back of the shop.

A few seconds later, the man called out, “Yes, I've found them for you.”

“No! Seriously?” Arnold called back. “That is quite amazing! Who'd have guessed they’d still be here after all this time.”

But when the man returned to the counter, he was empty-handed.

"So... where are the shoes?" said Arnold.

“They’ll be ready next Thursday,” replied the man.

=

CHARLES AND CAMILLA'S WEDDING NIGHT.

Camilla had bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding day, but they got tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, after the festivities ended, she and Charles went back to their room, where Camilla flopped onto the bed and said, 'Whew! Would you please remove these shoes darling. One's feet are killing one.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales seized her right shoe and started to attack it with real gusto but, despite all his efforts, it just wouldn't budge.

'Harder!' shouted Camilla. 'Harder!'

'Yes, my sweet, I am trying!' he shouted back, 'but it's so tight!'

'Come on Charles, give it your all!' she shrieked, even louder.

When the shoe at last came off, Charles uttered a loud groan, and Camilla sighed: 'Ah, that feels so good.'

In the bedroom next door, The Queen turned to Prince Philip and remarked, 'You see - I told you she had to be a virgin, with a face like that!'

Meanwhile, back in the other room, the perspiring Charles was hard at work trying to remove the other shoe. 'Oh my god' he cried, 'this one is even tighter!'

At that point, Prince Philip turned to the Queen and said, 'Ah, that's my boy: Once a navy man, always a navy man!'

2nd - Jesse Frankovich with:
MEMBER STATES OF THE EUROPEAN UNION

1. Austria
2. Belgium
3. Bulgaria
4. Croatia
5. Cyprus
6. Czech Republic
7. Denmark
8. Estonia
9. Finland
10. France
11. Germany
12. Greece
13. Hungary
14. Ireland
15. Italy
16. Latvia
17. Lithuania
18. Luxembourg
19. Malta
20. Netherlands
21. Poland
22. Portugal
23. Romania
24. Slovakia
25. Slovenia
26. Spain
27. Sweden
28. United Kingdom

=

1. Vienna
2. Flanders
3. Mountainous
4. Zagreb
5. Nicosia
6. Prague
7. Peninsular
8. Baltic
9. Nordic
10. Rude people in it
11. Tap a keg there
12. Athina
13. Landlocked
14. Green
15. Long boot
16. Riga
17. Mindaugas
18. Affluent
19. Minuscule
20. Amsterdam
21. Lech
22. Maritime
23. Danube
24. Bratislava
25. Ex-Yugoslavia
26. Southerly
27. Unwarlike
28. Parliamentary monarchy

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
Moses, Jesus and an old man are playing golf. Moses steps up and hits the ball. It sails over the fairway, ending in the water trap. Moses soon parts the water and so chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus then hits the ball. It sails over the fairway and ends in the water. Jesus walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Then the old man hits his golf ball. It sails high over the fairway, heading to the water, no doubt. But before it does hit the unloved water, a bold fish (a godsend, I guess!) leaps up at the ball, to grip, to hold it snugly in its mouth.

~

As the fish is falling back down into the water, a bird - an eagle - appears. It swoops down and grabs it in its claws.

The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the heavens and just misses it by a hairsbreadth. The startled eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out its mouth and it rolls into the hole. Hallelujah! That is a hole in-one!

Jesus turns to the old man and says:

'Dad, if you persevere, and don't even attempt to stop all that blessed messing about, we will not bring you here to play with us again.'

Julian Lofts with:
Events in Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner's Composite Decathlon
What Happens Day One:
1. Tint my eyelashes
2. Removal of the facial hair
3. Brazilian
4. Augmentation of the lips
5. Cosmetics
=
On Day Two (in LA):
1. Tracheal shave, then
2. Silicone breast implants, then
3. Facial feminization, then he prefers
4. Penectomy/orchidectomy (emasculation)
5. Vaginoplasty (Bejesus!)

Jason Lofts with:
FIFA’s primary objective is "to improve the game of football constantly and promote it globally in the light of its unifying, educational, cultural and humanitarian values, particularly through youth and development programmes" =

Actually, more a villainously immoral group of untruthful international soccer hooligan officials that got fat misapplying funds and are ultimately devoted to divvying up bribe money, the patriarch among them ... Joseph Blatter!

Jason Lofts with:
USA Freedom Act ("Uniting and Strengthening America by Fulfilling Rights and Ending Eavesdropping, Dragnet-collection and Online Monitoring Act") =
Confused legal enactment in US condoning villains spying, bugging, recording material and infringing data protection if motherland threatened.

Adie Pena with:
COUNTRIES WHICH STILL EAT DOG MEAT
- Arctic and Antarctic
- China
- Indonesia
- Mexico
- Nigeria
- Polynesia
- South Korea
- Switzerland
- Taiwan
- Vietnam

=

SIT!

A waiting spaniel,
A cute terrier,
A chewy mongrel
Is NOT dinner!
With scotch on the rocks,
I'm a civilized Caucasian;
I'd eat an ox,
NOT a dalmatian!

David Bourke with:
Marie, a Jamaican housemaid, asked for a big pay increase. The lady of the house was rather
annoyed about this impertinence, and she decided to talk to Marie about the raise. She asked:
'Now, you do tell me, Marie, why do you feel that you deserve this pay increase?'
Marie: 'Well, ma'am, dey's three reasons why I want the increase. The first reason, mi iron
tings better than you'!
Wife: 'And who said that you iron things better than me?'
Marie: 'Your husband say so to me.'
Wife: 'Oh".
~
Marie: 'The second reason is I be a better cook than you.'
Wife (defensively): 'Nonsense! Now who said that you are a better cook than me?'
Marie: 'Your husband, he say that to me again'.
Wife (icily): 'I see.'
Marie: 'The last reason is that I'm far more passionate in the bedroom than you!'
Wife (deeply distressed): 'My husband said that to you as well?'
Marie (drily): 'No ma'am, the head gardener, the porter and the caretaker...they just did so.'
Wife: 'How much raise yuh seh you want again, Marie?'

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
YOU ARE OLD FATHER WILLIAM
by Lewis Carroll

"You are old, Father William," the young man said,
"And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head -
Do you think, at your age, it is right?"

"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
"I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again."

"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
And have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -
Pray, what is the reason for that?"

"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his gray locks,
"I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment - one shilling the box -
Allow me to sell you a couple?"

"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak-
Pray, how did you manage to do it?"

"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw
Has lasted the rest of my life."

"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -
What made you so awfully clever?"

"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
Said his father; "don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I'll kick you down-stairs!"

=

YOU'RE A FATHER, YOUNG WILLIAM
Ode On A Hypothetical Royal Chat

"You're a father, young William," Her Majesty said,
"And the fifth Duke of Cambridge as well;
Though I see that you're losing the hair on your head,
You've at least sired a boy and a gel.

"Your high place is assured as a king, it is true
And that Kate was a fine gel to marry,
So now that the future is settled for you,
Would you please have a chat with young Harry?

"Like Diana, he's feisty, he has no respect,
(Oh, your mother was toxic, I knew it),
And that gingery mane on his head, I detect
Contains hues of the loathsome James Hewitt!

"I am not being huffy, we royals have flaws,
I've a notion your daddy's no monk,
Look, your grandpa's a playboy, yet he's ninety-four,
(But, you see, he's invariably drunk!)

"Now, young Harry, I think, is cast in the same mould,
Yet he is oddly unsuited to love,
Cressida, Chelsey, they both left me cold,
But, you see, they have no royal blood!

"Though it pains one to say it, the boy is a brat,
He is awfully quick to offend,
And his pants will come orf at the drop of a hat,
Heaven only knows where it will end.

"As a senior sibling, your duty's defined,
You must issue a royal decree:
Say you're jolly annoyed that he won't toe the line,
Would you do that one favour for me?"

"You are old, my dear grandmama," William sighed,
"And somewhat outdated and prim;
I won't lecture Harry - it's not that I'm shy,
But the truth is... I wish I was him!"

3rd - David Bourke with:
'Black Or White' - Michael Jackson

I took my baby on a Saturday bang
Boy is that girl with you
Yes we're one and the same

Now I believe in miracles
And a miracle has happened tonight
But, if you're thinkin' about my baby
It don't matter if you're black or white

They print my message
In the Saturday Sun
I had to tell them
I ain't second to none

And I told about equality
And it's true
Either you're wrong or you're right
But if you're thinkin' about my baby
It don't matter if you're black or white

I am tired of this devil
I am tired of this stuff
I am tired of this business
So when the going gets rough
I ain't scared of your brother
I ain't scared of no sheets
I ain't scared of nobody
Girl when the goin' gets mean

Protection
For gangs, clubs and nations
Causing grief in human relations
It's a turf war on a global scale
I'd rather hear both sides of the tale
See, it's not about races
Just places
Faces
Where your blood comes from
Is where your space is
I've seen the bright get duller
I'm not going to spend my life being a color

Don't tell me you agree with me
When I saw you kicking dirt in my eye
But if you're thinkin' about my baby
It don't matter if you're black or white
I said if you're thinkin' of being my baby
It don't matter if you're black or white
I said if you're thinkin' of being my brother
It don't matter if you're black or white

Yea yea yea now!
It's black, it's white,
It's tough for you to get by!
It's black, it's white,
It's black, it's white,
It's tough for you to get by!
It's black, it's white!

=

"I'm Black, Not White"

- Absolute rubbish by Rachel D. (some self-righteous beige American fruitloop with one or two key identity issues):

I hit the tanning studio, downtown Spokane,
But I fried my snow-white butt to dark as a drain.
I too be like a tribal sista,
I gotta struggle, I gotta fight our good fight!
But if you want to be my homey, babe,
Then you gotta be anything but white.

My old folks ruined the story,
They be like, I is "straight, blonde".
They be like, "the entire N.A.A.C.P. you have conned!"
Now I "identify" as funky negro tail,
Because I done grown up eating grits in a shack.
Oh no, for sho' I ain't no honky,
But against me, Edgar Winter's black!

Yo! I sure be tired of that factor-fifty cream,
Yo! I be tired of calling the media's bluff,
Yo! I sure be tired of trying to co-ordinate
My collar to my cuff!

Yo! Sure, my white heritage is beneath me!
Yo! Sure, the Teutonic surname seriously sucks!
Yo! Sure, I habitually play the immigrant card,
But to earn me serious bucks.

(the rap bit):

"I fight society's white-biased racist agenda,
In my bushy corn-braid African hair,
Today I rewrite my entire racial identity,
To dark-toned, from skin naturally most fair.
I'm of African-American ethnic origin,
I'm a bit Indian squaw, or Jew...but NOT white.
For every ethnic minority here in Washington State,
About the 'hood, we tirelessly fight!
Yo, brother! I'm down with this ebonic ghetto street talk,
I be like, you dig my urban city roots?
Man, I do just LOVE my basketball!
Hey babe, let's go to shoot us a few hoops!"

2nd - Jesse Frankovich with:
As a decrepit father takes delight
To see his active child do deeds of youth,
So I, made lame by Fortune's dearest spite,
Take all my comfort of thy worth and truth;
For whether beauty, birth, or wealth, or wit,
Or any of these all, or all, or more,
Entitled in thy parts, do crowned sit,
I make my love engrafted to this store:
So then I am not lame, poor, nor despised,
Whilst that this shadow doth such substance give
That I in thy abundance am sufficed,
And by a part of all thy glory live.
Look what is best, that best I wish in thee:
This wish I have; then ten times happy me!

=

For Father's Day, I oftentimes do get
Another stripey necktie with a clip,
That thousandth fruitcake, old-time hobby kit,
Hand-molded ashtray with a little chip;
Else handy tools to tidy up the yard,
Restore the cars, or tend the barbecue;
Some pithy oaths within a vivid card,
'Dad's number one!' 'World's best!' to name a few,
And warm thoughts for a day of ease for me.
Yet whether weighty, childish, vast or small,
Gifts anyhow are not the point to see;
It's suitable to smile upon them all.
For fathers know the one that lies above
The rest is simply this: a child's love.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Dog Rules

Bark as if no one can hear you
Catch every ball on the fly
Wag 'til you knock something over
Sleep on a sofa nearby
Jump like the sky is the limit
Sit by the fire with friends
Stay with the people who love you
Run like the road never ends
~
Refuse when with the trainer
Belly-flop often in the icy river
Splash as I play about in joy
Shake to make my folks shiver
Mouthe or slobber on a coveted toy
Whine and sulk to get a hug
Eat like a very finicky prince
Shed densely on the wool rug.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Dog Rules

Bark as if no one can hear you
Catch every ball on the fly
Wag 'til you knock something over
Sleep on a sofa nearby
Jump like the sky is the limit
Sit by the fire with friends
Stay with the people who love you
Run like the road never ends
~

Refuse to heel when with a trainer
Belly-flop into the icy river
Splash when I play about in joy
Shake so as to make my folks shiver
Slobber on my coveted toy
Whine and sulk to get a free hug
Eat like a finicky prince
Shed only on the duvet or rug.

David Bourke with:
Dog Rules

Bark as if no one can hear you
Catch every ball on the fly
Wag 'til you knock something over
Sleep on a sofa nearby
Jump like the sky is the limit
Sit by the fire with friends
Stay with the people who love you
Run like the road never ends
=

The Cat Rules

Evoke an air of froideur,
Upon oak furniture, scratch to hell!
Hey, piss by the neighbor's roses,
Why, honk on the carpet as well!
Slink home at unholy times,
Leave key "gifts" on the bed.
Enjoy waking everybody,
Miaow plaintively, 'til fed!

Julian Lofts with:
AMAZING GRACE

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see.

’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Chorus:
Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see.

Through many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me,
His Word my hope secures;
He will my Shield and Portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who called me here below,
Will be forever mine.

When we’ve been there ten thousand years,
Bright shining as the sun,
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
Than when we’d first begun.

Lyrics: English poet, clergyman and slave trader John Newton
=

UGH! RACHEL DOLEZAL

Ugh! Rachel Dolezal - white woman President of NAACP
Was given so much flak
For cultural insensitivitee
She forgets she was white, now she's black

Parents were white - Lawrence and Ruthanne's
Child was "born in a teepee"
Talent? Drew self-portraits with brown crayons
She thought she was a picaninnee

Arts graduate from Howard Universitee
Became a fan of lovely 'Mystic Tan'
As teenager showed negro affinitee
Melanosomes? She observed "I don't stay out of the sun"

Blurts judgmentally "Nothing about being white
Describes who I am" she said
PS We white peoples got a fright
When we saw braids on her head

'My favourites: film "Twelve Years A Slave",
Obama, Jim Crow legislation,
Sammy Davis, Beyonce, Bo Diddley, Miles Davis
Halle Berry and ethnic segregation'

'Want to be a voluntaree negress
Eat soul food - hominee grits, mustard greens
Ugh - don't want to cause them distress
Sincerelee regret the embarassing scenes'

"OHHHHHH MA GAAADDDD! OOOHHHHH LAWWDDD!"
"SHE'S KEEPIN' IT REEAALLLL!"
"OOOHHHHH LAWWDDD!"
UGH! CRY "MENTAL! GO! RACHEL DOLEZALLL!!!"

Snafu

Adie Pena with:
HOLY CITY
Marjory Wentworth

"Only love can conquer hate."

Let us gather and be silent together like stones glittering in sunlight, so bright it hurts our eyes, emptied of tears, and searching the sky for answers.

Let us be strangers together as we gather in circles wherever we need to stand, hand-in-hand, and sing hymns to the heavens and pray to the fallen.

And speak their names: Clementa, Cynthia, Tywanza, Ethel, Sharonda, Daniel, Myra, Suzie, and DePayne.

They are not alone. As bells in the spires calls across the wounded Charleston sky, we close our eyes and listen to the same stillness ringing in our hearts, holding on to one another, like brothers, like sisters, because we know that wherever there is love, there is God.

=

THE IRONY, THE HERESY, THE AGONY

As Rachel Dolezal here wants to be someone black,
Many heathen terrorists sharpen their used knives
And transgressors quietly hatch their threatening attack.
Zapping senselessly, they slay nine precious ethereal lives.

I see the astute Black Man in the renowned White House --
Now do we as a nation earnestly honor, respect an Obama?
Gods rekindle yesterday's lynching torches we must douse;
Growing the hellish hate, swelling the smoldering drama.

Rousing the residents there in the shocked town
And we on the streets who are still ruthlessly living.
Confederate flags, truth and restraint are loosely taken down;
Even colorblind juries, attorneys and Satan can't be forgiving.

Jesse Frankovich with:
Notable events that occurred in June of this year:
Caitlyn Jenner debuts hot features on a hit cover.
Undone in a hunt of soccer thievery, a Blatter jets.
Horse led act of victory, unbeaten in three jaunts.
Been of our interest: hunt to catch NY jail evaders.
=
That drive for the US election: Jeb announces a try.
Nine shot to death over race by a sinful reject nut.
South unravelin' their nasty Confederate object.
Even Justice Roberts found ACA (or intent) healthy.
Bans end there at the Court. Justice for any in love!

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