1st - Rick Rothstein with:
Alternative facts ~
can't avert fat lies.
2nd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Storm in a teacup =
Acute minor spat
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The odds in national lottery events =
They'd stand at seven trillion to one.
View with:
Fatal crash =
Ah, car's flat!
Josiah Winslow with:
New Year's resolution =
One less awry routine.
Christopher Sturdy with:
To buy high and sell low =
Dull boy - no wealth. Sigh.
Christopher Sturdy with:
Buy low and sell high =
Bullish - hey, glad now!
View with:
Neo-nazis =
Zanies, no?
John Ramos with:
Reinforcements =
Cries for ten men.
John Ramos with:
"I am done," ~
I moaned.
Adie Pena with:
The prescription for medical marijuana =
A rapid cure from a simple joint in the car! ;-)
Ellie Dent with:
Self delusional =
Need fills a soul.
Tony Crafter with:
You eat many a fig, sir! ~
Are you saying Im fat?
Julian Lofts with:
Donald Trump's family tree contains ~
tycoons, unfit madmen, a retard, pills.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Peanut butter filled pretzels =
Fuller-belt student appetizer.
Rosie Perera with:
Postpartum depression ~
persists around moppet.
Julian Lofts with:
'Alternative facts' =
An evil statecraft.
Tom Myers with:
They say It's a dog's life =
Yes, this day I got fleas
Tom Myers with:
Treatment for depression =
For patients, restore, mend
Tyler Severance with:
A long striptease =
Singer, tatas, pole.
Tom Myers with:
Magnificent creatures =
Rats, mice -- nice, great fun!
Tom Myers with:
Full English breakfast =
Table King shall suffer.
Tom Myers with:
The ace forensic team ~
at the scene of a crime.
Tom Myers with:
Sitting in the dark ~
I started thinking.
Jason Lofts with:
Manuel Noriega's face =
Acne inflames a rogue.
Tom Myers with:
in the witches cauldron =
I/we consider that lunch
Tom Myers with:
The first cups of tea ~
start up the offices.
Tom Myers with:
Copy this on your status ~
to suit your sycophants.
Rosie Perera with:
A petulant child's tantrum =
As in, that nut called "Trump".
Tom Myers with:
Sexual stamina =
A manual exists?!?
Tom Myers with:
It is a brave undertaking =
At risk in a big adventure
Tom Myers with:
Vacations in the U.S. ~
outshine Vatican's
Tom Myers with:
She sleeps around. =
Spouse? He snarled!
Julian Lofts with:
Dermatologist ~
gotta rid moles.
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
George Orwell's 'Nineteen Eighty-Four' =
Feel the towering ruler's ongoing eye.
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The Leonard Bernstein musical saga 'West Side Story'=
A bullet ends Tony's scenes with Maria, I regret. So sad.
3rd - Rick Rothstein with:
The TV drama series Sherlock =
Deerstalker's hat covers him.
Rosie Perera with:
Write drunk; edit sober (Ernest Hemingway) =
Using red wine made her story better. (Wink. ;-) )
Adie Pena with:
Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone in the film 'La La Land' =
Man and lady'll sing a song then feel matrimonial.
Ellie Dent with:
'Metamorphosis of Narcissus' by Salvador Dali =
Apt, as a surreal vision has odd, symbolic forms.
Tom Myers with:
"Death in Paradise" =
Pariahs detained
Tom Myers with:
Inspector Endeavour Morse =
A one-stop service on murder
Tom Myers with:
Inspector Endeavour Morse =
Soon one murderer's captive
Tom Myers with:
Watching "My Fair Lady" =
Admit crying halfway
Dharam Khalsa with:
Orwell's bestselling book 'Nineteen Eighty-Four' =
One fellow into guilt keenly senses Big Brother.
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Donald as our new president =
Odds are the planet's now ruined.
2nd - Christopher Davis with:
America First =
Racism. Fear it.
3rd - David Bourke with:
The American actress Mary Tyler Moore =
A star. Come, let's cry a tear in her memory.
Christopher Sturdy with:
This new year's resolution..? =
Er, lose a stone? It's why I run.
Ellie Dent with:
Recent massacre in Turkey nightclub =
Butchery in merciless gunner attack...
View with:
Reina nightclub =
Incurable night.
Josiah Winslow with:
Scientists identify new organ in humans =
Findings contain: a mesentery's within us.
Adie Pena with:
The Russian cyberattacks to aid Donald Trump =
Blatant outsiders had sunk Democratic Party.
Ellie Dent with:
Inauguration of the newest US President =
Witness unfit nut's orange-haired toupee.
David Bourke with:
The President-elect of the U.S.A. =
Streep: "To the left, he is a dunce!"
Dharam Khalsa with:
The Women's March on Washington =
Change man's town with hormones!
Julian Lofts with:
Obtusely poor statesman ~
Trump says NATO 'obsolete'.
Adie Pena with:
The Donald Trump Inauguration =
I put a rug on that ruined old man.
Tony Crafter with:
Donald Trump's Presidential inauguration speech =
Undiplomatic, unrestrained, populist. He's a danger.
View with:
Donald Trump officially sworn in as president =
World friends: American nation stupidly flops.
Rick Rothstein with:
"America First" ~
"I scream it far!"
Rosie Perera with:
"Alternative facts" =
Trite, vacant, false.
Julian Lofts with:
Theresa is my Maggie =
May emits eager sigh.
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Unpredictable times =
Trump's alien dice bet
Rosie Perera with:
Donald Trumps Slovenian wife =
Pundits loved Melania's frown.
Julian Lofts with:
Trump lambasts Mexico =
Blame scum, tax imports.
Rosie Perera with:
@AltUSNationalParkService =
Plan a virtual resistance, OK?
Julian Lofts with:
An executive order =
A decree to vex, ruin.
Rosie Perera with:
"It's working out very nicely," Mr. Trump has said =
"I, the corrupt, try denying Muslims a work visa."
Dharam Khalsa with:
President Trump's executive orders =
Spicer vomited text under pressure.
1st - Rick Rothstein with:
Russian President Vladimir Putin =
A stern individual inspires Trump.
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The American president Donald Trump =
Helped racism to turn rampant indeed.
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Mary Louise 'Meryl' Streep =
"I see my role - Trump slayer!"
Dharam Khalsa with:
The Washington Post columnist Dave Barry =
Love his wit's depth, but not corny anagrams!
Ellie Dent with:
Charles Macintosh, a Scotsman =
Och, man's matchless rain coats!
Adie Pena with:
Satan begat son, i.e., ~
Esteban Santiago.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Actress Mary Louise (Meryl) Streep =
Yes sir, see me clearly roast Trump!
View with:
Lady Godiva, Countess of Mercia =
A good, classic nude... my favorite.
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
President Donald Trump =
Odd Mr. Putin's tender pal.
Christopher Davis with:
Christopher Steele =
Help restore ethics.
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
President Donald Trump =
Prattle did upend norms
Julian Lofts with:
Singer David Bowie
Avoids being weird.
Josiah Winslow with:
The American President, Donald Trump
=
Damn, I'd rather Mr Pence's put in to lead!
David Bourke with:
Reinhold Richard Priebus =
Horrid Republican's hired!
Rosie Perera with:
Reinhold Richard Priebus =
Pence'd rail, "Horrid hubris!"
Christopher Davis with:
Press Secretary Sean Spicer =
I represent scary-ass creeps
Christopher Davis with:
Sean Spicer =
I sense crap.
Dharam Khalsa with:
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer =
Top issues there, where crap is necessary.
Tom Myers with:
Actress Mary Tyler Moore =
My roles carry me to a rest.
Rosie Perera with:
President Donald Trump and VP Michael Pence of the US =
Rich men pumped up on odd alternative facts. Send help!
Rosie Perera with:
A petulant child's tantrum =
As in, that nut called "Trump".
Tom Myers with:
Alfred and Bruce Wayne =
We're fancy and durable
Rosie Perera with:
Alexandre Bissonnette ~
enabled extra tensions.
1st - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The United States of America =
Meta-truths in a sea of deceit
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A Black Forest Gateau dessert =
Slab of cake sure tasted great!
3rd - Christopher Davis with:
@realDonaldTrump =
Trampled our land
Rosie Perera with:
The American Academy of Otolaryngology =
O, laconic fogey may ogle my ear and throat.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Manchester-by-the-Sea =
Men base yachts there.
Adie Pena with:
President-elect =
Creep settled in.
Rosie Perera with:
The George Lucas Museum of Narrative Art =
Can roam, see that great film guru's oeuvre.
View with:
"The Falcons" =
Hot NFL aces
Rosie Perera with:
No, nothing normal with the president lunatic at ~
the Trump International Hotel in Washington, D.C.
Mark Huffman with:
The Dallas Cowboys ~
lose so badly. Watch!
Tom Myers with:
The East India Tea Company =
O Captain, thy men die at sea.
Tyler Severance with:
Anagram Artist for Windows =
A word transforming awaits.
Rosie Perera with:
Columbia Grammar and Preparatory School =
Aha, poor grim Barron Trump's local academy.
Christopher Davis with:
Dakota Access Pipeline =
I'd ask science to appeal
Rosie Perera with:
National Security Council =
Inaccurate tiny collusion.
Christopher Sturdy with:
President Trump's Cabinet =
Pretend, inept, racist bums
Ellie Dent with:
Charter Oil =
A lot richer.
Josiah Winslow with:
The United States of America =
True fact? A shame, I don't see it.
Tom Myers with:
San Francisco International Airport =
Planes or aircraft in action. No trains.
Meyran Kraus with:
The US Department of Homeland Security =
They could detain those men Trump fears.
1st - Adie Pena with:
Top Five Beatles Songs of All Time
1. "A Day in the Life"
2. "I Want to Hold Your Hand"
3. "Strawberry Fields Forever"
4. "Yesterday"
5. "In My Life"
=
1. The stuff is heavy or bloody
2. I entirely adore a lady
3. Differently mind-blowing
4. Is masterly heartfelt
5. A review of one's past.
2nd - Ellie Dent with:
I once met this most honest man, a truly warmhearted
politician who listened carefully when I spoke.=
A minister it seems, who really wished to come far
and act to help all men in this country.
Then I woke up.
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The Top Five Howard Keel Musicals
1. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
2. Calamity Jane
3. Showboat
4. Kiss Me Kate
5. Annie Get Your Gun
=
1. Based on Sabine women, I see
2. Majestic as Hickok
3. Keel's Gaylord Ravenal
4. Revives 'Taming Of The Shrew'
5. Pursuer of Betty Hutton
Julian Lofts with:
The popular Reina nightclub in Istanbul on New Year's Eve =
An evil robust butcher seen annihilating unwary people.
Christopher Davis with:
Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right. -Isaac Asimov =
He was a revolutionary sci-fi novelist for showing a danger to game the system
Julian Lofts with:
The American cult leader Mister Charles Manson is not a ~
stoic innocent. Maniac alert! He's a lethal mass murderer!
Ellie Dent with:
Question: If the wife is hollering at the front door and your dog is barking at the back, which one would you then let in first?
=
Answer: Oh boy, our dog! I know one thing: that irritating French hound Fifi, would be shocked...totally quiet after she is let in.
Dharam Khalsa with:
This giraffe walks into the bar, and tells the barman: ~
"That far table wants a drink. It's free - high balls on me!"
Julian Lofts with:
The giant Pioneer Cabin Sequoia tree in California has fallen over at long last =
Quite an age alive on earth, an historic lifespan, is a great tall noble conifer, no?
Julian Lofts with:
The CIA has said the US President has been 'compromised' =
It's mad! He has autism, has spirochete, needs probenecid.
View with:
Dont underestimate the guy, because hes going to be forty fifth president of the United States
=
Trump? He's no genius. Bigoted, untested, yet he's efficient and eager to fit. Thus, the best for today.
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Donald Trump, President of the United States of America =
I depend on data from the petroleum industries' fatcats.
David Bourke with:
Donald Trump, the President of The United States of America =
Unprecedented shit is feared from that stupid man? Too late!
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Donald Trump, President of the United States of America =
Misanthropic despot means latent dread of future tide
David Bourke with:
Barack Hussein Obama, the former president of The United States =
"I am so different to either Bush, or the basket-case Trump...and sane!"
David Bourke with:
Sean Michael Spicer, the White House Press Secretary and Communications Director =
He denies democracy across America, insists each Trump or Pence lie is now the truth.
Josiah Winslow with:
'If Chicago doesn't fix the horrible "carnage" going on, 228 shootings in 2017 with 42 killings (up 24% from 2016), I will send in the Feds!'
=
Exact shooting figure: 248, which is down 16.2% (+/- .2%) going in 2017, and less killed.
...no pain...it's comforting he'll finish before 2024, right?
Rosie Perera with:
"Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities." Voltaire
=
Look out! Those who imbibe DT's accuracies ("alternative" in America's eye) make you vomit.
David Bourke with:
The "Special Relationship" between Great Britain and The United States of America =
Theresa is Donald's sweetheart, belief being that can terminate E.U. participation.
Rosie Perera with:
The "Special Relationship" between Great Britain and The United States of America
=
An irate ace Trump and a petite wise Theresa: both tend to fabricate lies in English.
David Bourke with:
Donald Trump, the President of The United States of America =
Operated treaties to detain, handcuff then deport Muslims.
Tom Myers with:
Actor Peter Capaldi is leaving the Dr. Who role after Christmas =
He's Timelord, warrior, and oft the galactic spaceship traveler.
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
You should make a point of trying everything once except incest and Morris dancing. - Sir Arnold Bax
=
I had intended to try:
ballooning
skydiving
a French romance
group sex
My excuse? Procrastination!
2nd - David Bourke with:
'You should make a point of trying everything once
except incest and Morris dancing" - Sir Arnold Bax
=
A much-younger Tony Crafter admitted considering
exploring both, in 'Lynx' (a rap disco in Sevenoaks).
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
'You should make a point of trying everything once except incest and Morris dancing.' - Sir Arnold Bax=
I concur. The first one is more a dodgy kinda sex-connexion but, God, that man-prancing is really pervy!
Maurice Goddard with:
'You should make a point of trying everything once,
except incest and Morris dancing.' - Sir Arnold Bax
=
A sly David Bourke confirms once trying to shag sheep,
in an explicit non-romantic nude X-rated orgy!
Dharam Khalsa with:
'You should make a point of trying everything once except incest and Morris dancing. - Sir Arnold Bax
=
Intoxication by dark pleasure means detoxifying and recovering accordingly. - Hunter S. Thompson
Rosie Perera with:
'You should make a point of trying everything once except incest and Morris dancing. - Sir Arnold Bax
=
I'd try Donald Trump, and convict him...for not asking in sex; "Hey, lie, coerce, ignore a 'no', next grab a pussy!"
Adie Pena with:
'You should make a point of trying everything once except incest and Morris dancing. - Sir Arnold Bax
=
Often horny, I tried to xerox my genitals. Ah, proved uncanny. Glass broke and, in pain, got circumcised!
Jason Lofts with:
You should make a point of trying everything once except incest and Morris dancing. - Sir Arnold Bax
=
Chap (aka Dermot O'Byrne) isn't prone to unexciting country dancing or has desired family sex/loving.
Julian Lofts with:
'You should make a point of trying everything once except incest and Morris dancing'- Sir Arnold Bax
=
No denying Tony Crafter likes spongy hermaphrodites, exotic concubines and a vulgar dominatrix!
Dharam Khalsa with:
'You should make a point of trying everything once
except incest and Morris dancing" - Sir Arnold Bax
=
For experiment, brave young Clinton smoked intoxicating crops...
didn't inhale. Orgy days? Such an era!
Josiah Winslow with:
'You should make a point of trying everything once except incest and Morris dancing. - Sir Arnold Bax
=
Never mix cough syrup and Oxycontin. It is basically asking for permanent doctoring need, or death.
Dharam Khalsa with:
'You should make a point of trying everything once except incest and Morris dancing. - Sir Arnold Bax
=
Sadly, experimenting in shocking brunch food may result in a strong, very odd, toxic reaction! - A. Pena
Jason Lofts with:
You should make a point of trying everything once except incest and Morris dancing. - Sir Arnold Bax=
Chap (aka Dermot O'Byrne) hasn't desired family sex/loving or is prone to unexciting country dancing.
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
"You should make a point of trying everything once except incest and Morris dancing." - Sir Arnold Bax
=
"Improperly cosy goings-on and uncouth giddy exercise I'm in cannot avert death or taxes." - B Franklin
Christopher Sturdy with:
'You should make a point of trying everything once except incest and Morris dancing. - Sir Arnold Bax
=
If you think your President governs as a raging, racist xenophobe. Indict, try once and end.
Malcolm X
Meyran Kraus with:
'You should make a point of trying everything once except incest and Morris dancing. - Sir Arnold Bax
=
Bax, it's ruinous to do many darn things even once... Try drinking acid, for example. Or electing a psycho.
1st - Tony Crafter with:
For many years, two statues, one male and one female, had stood facing each other in the park.
Then, one day, an angel descended from heaven and said to them: "You have been such exemplary statues that I propose to give you a very special gift. So..." she smiled benevolently, "I will bring you both to life for thirty minutes. During this time you will be allowed to do absolutely anything you want."
Then, with a clap of her hands, the angel brought them both to life.
The two statues approached each other very shyly at first, and then made a quick dash into the bushes, from behind which there was heard a lot of giggling and rustling and shaking of branches.
Twenty minutes later, the two statues reappeared from behind the bushes, both with very wide grins spread across their faces.
"You realize that you still have ten minutes left?" said the kind angel, winking at them knowingly.
With an even wider grin, the female statue turned to the male and said, "Quick! Let's do it once more then!
"Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poop on its head."
=
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a city shopping mall for the first time.
They were amazed by most of the things they saw, but especially by two silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
'Ooh, Father, what kind of mystical thing is this?' asked the animated young fifteen-year-old.
His father (not having seen an elevator before) murmured, 'Son, I have not seen anything like this in my life, I do not know what it is.'
While they watched in awe, a hunched-up old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the sliding walls and pressed a button.
They opened, and she proceeded to roll through them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as various numbers above lit up in sequence.
Like statues, they continued watching until it reached the last number. Then the numbers started to light up in reverse order. Next thing, the walls opened again and a gorgeous young blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to the boy...
'Son, go get your Mother'
2nd - Julian Lofts with:
A List of Many of the Superstars, Actors, Musicians, Authors, Celebrities, Sportsmen, Heads of State, Household Names etc Who Died Last Year
1. George Michael
2. David Bowie
3. Leonard Cohen
4. Carrie Fisher
5. Prince Rogers Nelson
6. Nancy Reagan
7. William Christopher
8. Robert Vaughn
9. President Fidel Castro
10. Muhammed Ali
11. Bernard Fox
12. Gene Wilder
13. Debbie Reynolds
14. Glen Frey
15. Arnold Palmer
16. John Glenn
17. Alan Rickman
18. "Patty" Duke
19. Harper Lee
20. Shimon Peres
21. Richard Adams
22. Zsa Zsa Gabor
23. Sir George Martin
24. Ron Glass
25. Doris Roberts
26. Morley Safer
27. Anton Viktorovich Yelchin
28. A A Gill
29. Andrew Sachs
30. Paul Daniels
31. Viola Beach
32. David Gest
33. Sir Terry Wogan
=
1. Wham!
2. Chimeric hero Ziggy Stardust
3. Canadian rhymer - had charisma
4. Svelte Princess Leia in 'Star Wars' series
5. Sang songs. Perverse druggy, Fentanyl OD
6. Serene US First Lady
7. Father Mulcahy
8. Napoleon Solo
9. Dictator - he helped Cuba
10. Boxer
11. Doctor Bombay
12. Comedian ("Blazing Saddles")
13. Mary Frances
14. Eagles
15. Professional golfer
16. Astronaut
17. Snape, 'Die Hard'
18. Anna Marie
19. Her novel: "To Kill A Mockingbird"
20. Israeli President
21. Watership Down
22. Effervescent girl who married nine times
23. Beatles
24. Det. Ron Harris
25. Marie Barone
26. Journalist
27. Pavel Chekov
28. Critic
29. Manuel
30. Magic
31. Band (all died)
32. Gosh he's rather a gross Hollywood horror!
33. Anglo presenter.
3rd - David Bourke with:
A list of some of the famous personalities who sadly died last year:
Robert Stigwood
David Bowie
Dale "Buffin" Griffin
Alan Rickman
Reni Angilil
Glenn Frey
Paul Kantner
Henry Heimlich
Ed "Stewpot" Stewart
Maurice White
Harper Lee
Nancy Reagan
David Gest
Sir George Martin
Jean Alexander
Keith Emerson
Emile Ford
Nikolaus Harnoncourt
Frank Sinatra Jr.
Merle Haggard
Victoria Wood
Sir Antony Jay
Prince Rogers Nelson
Billy Paul
Rod Temperton
Burt Kwouk
Muhammad Ali
Jo Cox MP
Scotty Moore
Ian McCaskill
Caroline Aherne
Gene Wilder
Sir Neville Marriner
Arnold Palmer
Gordon Murray
Shimon Peres
Pete Burns
The Duke of Westminster
Paul Daniels
Bobby Vee
Janet Reno
Leonard Cohen
Andrew Sachs
Reg Grundy
Robert Vaughn
Leon Russell
Fidel Castro
Frank Finlay
Colonel Abrams
Greg Lake
John Glenn
Rabbi Lionel Blue
Boutros Boutros-Ghali
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Richard Adams
Rick Parfitt
George Michael
Carrie Fisher
Debbie Reynolds
=
To The Grim Reaper Coffin Guide for the year:
Some are already dead. (These four):
Graham Taylor
Lord Snowdon
Peter Sarstedt
Eugene Cernan
Still alive, so to exterminate:
Donald Trump
Kanye West
Tony Blair
Kim Jong-un
Kim Kardashian
Lamar Odom
David and Victoria Beckham
Justin Bieber
Robert Mugabe
Warren Buffett
Russell Brand
Bill Clinton
Billy Connolly
Alice Cooper
Simon Cowell
Nigel Farage
Flea
Sir Bruce Forsyth
David Furnish
George W. Bush
Paul Gascoigne
Bob Geldof
Sting
Bono
Midge Ure
Nicola Sturgeon
Sir Philip Green
Woody Allen
Bernie Madoff
Peter Mandelson
Angela Merkel
Gina Miller
Nicki Minaj
Roman Polanski
Trent Reznor
Bernie Sanders
Michael Schumacher
Roger Waters
Boy George
Harriet Harman
Colin Powell
Pete Townshend
Sir Rod Stewart
Dave Lee Roth
Jim Kerr
Sarah Palin
Frank Skinner
Ryan Seacrest
Keanu Reeves
Jo Brand
Mariah Carey
Axl Rose
Hilary Duff
Usher
Ron Wood
Jay Z
Sir Alan Sugar
Phil Collins
Julian Lofts with:
A New Year's message on Twitter: Happy New Year to all, including to my many enemies and those who have fought me and lost so badly they just don't know what to do. Love!
=
A molester wins, yet Donald J. Trump's a nasty, sweaty, testy, orange, fat, loud mouthed, highly envenomed sociopath, who doesn't know how to behave in a gentlemanly way.
Dharam Khalsa with:
A horse walks into the pub and orders a pint of beer. The barkeeper questions him, "I see you come in here pretty often. Do you think you just might be an alcoholic?"
to which the horse replies, "I don't think I am." Then POOF, he vanishes from existence.
~
Hey, come on, this isn't a mission to condemn equine, or any, drinking as much as it is about the key philosophy here: "I think; therefore I am." However, to explain
this part of the joke before the punchline would be to put Descartes before the horse.
Rosie Perera with:
"I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States."
=
"I do testify this: that I am the best one to settle in the Oval Office yet. Expect to see the U.S. win, to outstrip China in trade...effortlessly. In effect, we'd build stuff -- the wall early on indeed." Donald Trump
Dharam Khalsa with:
Two nuns were shopping at a convenience store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "Wouldnt a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered, "Indeed it would, Sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, as I am certain that would cause a scene at the checkout stand."
"I can handle that with no problem," the first nun replied. She picked up a six-pack and they headed for the checkout line.
The cashier had a quizzical look on his face when the nuns arrived with the beer.
~
"We use the beer frequently as a helpful discount conditioner when we wash and comb out our hair. That shine we achieve is fabulous!" the nun explained.
She went on to note, "Back at the convent, we describe it as 'Catholic shampoo.' "
Without blinking an eye, the unfazed convenience store cashier said he understood, reached down under a counter, lifted out a twin package of salty brown pretzel sticks, and plopped them in with the cold beer.
He looked the more embarrassed nun straight in the eye and noted, "The 'Catholic curlers' are on us."
David Bourke with:
The acts who performed at President Barack Obama's first inauguration ceremony:
Beyonci, Mary J. Bilge, Jon Bon Jovi, Garth Brooks,
Sheryl Crow, Renie Fleming, Caleb Green, Josh Groban,
Herbie Hancock, Heather Headley, Bettye Lavette, John
Legend, John Mellencamp, Jennifer Nettles, Pete Seeger,
Shakira, Bruce Springsteen, James Taylor, U2, Usher,
will.i.am and Stevie Wonder
=
Who'll be seen getting jeered at Trump's?
'Them 2-Wheel Rebels' (a creepy hillbilly band),
a screeching teen reject from 'America's Got Talent',
an incoherent jobless busker, a cheesy Jon Bon Jovi
tribute act joined by the former singer in Journey,
A-Ha (from Norway), Herrnia (a major German heavy rock
band), some fat Village Person has-been, Kid Rock...
gee, who else? Ted Nugent, perhaps?
Julian Lofts with:
"This is an adult, and a man who for years organised beauty contests and spoke with the most beautiful women in the world. I can hardly believe that he ran off to meet with our girls of low social morals. Although of course ours are the best in the world," said Putin.
=
"I see the twit has tiny hands. I know what that means. That totty Melania could give Donald a golden shower at home so why would he want our fabulous female strumpets in furs of sable for loin relief? He could get crabs or hepatitis A, B or C or AIDS or urine on shirt."
Josiah Winslow with:
Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six.
=
I'd studied this: that's no "number of the beast".
Hint: the man's Nero Caesar, ex-ruler of Rome. His name in Hebrew adds to this exact number!
Mind-hurting finds, huh?
Adie Pena with:
US President Donald Trumps top six targets:
1. Trade partnerships
2. Obamacare
3. Build a wall
4. National security
5. Jobs and infrastructure
6. Drain the swamp
=
1. Blast at prejudiced NAFTA rats!
2. Interrupt our popular health insurance!
3. Stop Mexican drugs!
4. End ISIS terrorism!
5. Add new laws!
6. Trap adamant lobbyists!
Julian Lofts with:
"If ever the time should come, when vain and aspiring men shall possess the highest seats in government, our country will stand in need of its experienced patriots to prevent its ruin." Samuel Adams - revolutionary =
Donald Trump's inherently the seediest, most egregious, unfit psychopath. O, he is an overt vulturine moron and has exceptional egomania. The Trump's vain trendsetter Slovenian wife is well versed in narcissism.
Julian Lofts with:
Two Odd Couples:
(President of the United States of America, British Prime Minister)
Ronald Reagan and Maggie Thatcher
Donald Trump and Theresa Mary May
=
"Gipper" actor had dementia
"Iron Lady" - horrid shrill termagant
Fornicator, madman, nut. Deranged ape tweets to fume
"Maybe" - unsophisticated 'headmistress'.
1st - Tony Crafter with:
THROUGH
By
George Michael
Is that enough?
I think it's over
See, everything has changed
And all this hatred may just make me strong enough
To walk away
Well, they may chase me to the ends of the earth
But I've got you babe
And they may strip me of the things that I've worked for
But I've had my say, babe
So hear me now
I've enough of these chains
I know they're of my making
No one else to blame for where I stand today
I've no memory of truth
But suddenly the audience is so cruel
So God, hey God you know why I'm through
Through
I guess it's tough, I guess I'm older
And everything must change
But all this cruelty and money instead of love
People, have we no shame?
They may chase me to the ends of the earth
But I've got you babe
And they may take away the things that I've worked for
But you'll pull me through, babe
It's so clear to me now
I've enough of these chains
Life is there for the taking
What kind of fool would remain in this, in this cheap gilded cage
I've no memory of truth
But suddenly the audience is so cruel
Oh God, I'm sorry
I think I'm through
I think I'm through
I think I, I know I
I'm through
=
THROUGH AT FIFTY-THREE
By
Holy Joe
I heard the hits,
But never listened;
They were elevator music:
'Freedom'; 'Last Christmas'; 'Careless Whisper';
Hum-alongs,
Nothing more.
Oh, but George, you were the headline-making hero!
Ever proud to be gay,
You had respect, but yet you blew it, you were
Too busy making hay,
Wrecking cars while
High on drugs. You numbskull! Oh,
What were you thinking of?
Hellbent on making mayhem,
Immoderate, heedless, hooked.
Inevitably, you died. Ho-hum; I was not shocked
But sad that you were through at fifty-three.
Through at fifty-three.
But then everything changed.
I saw the footage on TV,
Of him, an orchestra, his songs, his voice.
And, oh, my God, that voice!
He sang emotive songs I had not heard before,
Songs that touched my soul!
They took me somehow to a different place; making me think,
Making me change my mind.
Oh, it's so obvious now,
The guy was a poet,
A musical genius,
A kind, thoughtful man, I believe. Not the youthful, eighties diva I
Disdained; a humble,
Yet, a shyly humble man. I got him wrong.
Hey, ain't that the truth.
I've looked
Listened
I've learnt
For this...
I thank you.
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
MAGGIE MAY
By
Rod Stewart
Wake up Maggie I think I got something to say to you
It's late September and I really should be back at school
I know I keep you amused but I feel I'm being used
Oh Maggie I couldn't have tried any more
You lured me away from home just to save you from being alone
You stole my heart and that's what really hurt
The morning sun when it's in your face really shows your age
But that don't worry me none in my eyes you're everything
I laughed at all of your jokes my love you didn't need to coax
Oh, Maggie I couldn't have tried any more
You lured me away from home, just to save you from being alone
You stole my soul and that's a pain I can do without
All I needed was a friend to lend a guiding hand
But you turned into a lover and mother
what a lover, you wore me out
All you did was wreck my bed
and in the morning kick me in the head
Oh Maggie I couldn't have tried anymore
You lured me away from home 'cause you didn't want to be alone
You stole my heart I couldn't leave you if I tried
I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school
Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool
Or find myself a rock and roll band that needs a helpin' hand
Oh Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face
You made a first-class fool out of me
But I'm as blind as a fool can be
You stole my heart but I love you anyway
Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face
I'll get on back home one of these days
=
YOU CAN CALL ME MAGGIE MAY
By
Theresa May
I'm Theresa and my last name's May, I'm the new PM,
My idol, Maggie, was the Iron Lady creme de la creme,
So, Mr President, do I say, that you can call me Maggie May?
Oh, Donald you can be my Ronald Reagan any day!
You lured me across the sea, you treated me like a VIP,
You held my hand, that is when you stole my heart.
The morning sun made your coiffured hair look like ripened corn,
As you welcomed me at the doorway to the White House hall,
You asked about my trip, and you talked of our relationship,
Oh, Donald I knew we'd get along just fine!
You backed my Brexit stance, vowed that you would give NATO a chance,
You told me the things that I wanted to hear.
Angela Merkel, eat your heart out baby, I'm his Maggie May,
His leading lady and I don't mean maybe, I am number one.
So join the others, get in line, I do not want to be unkind,
But your dowdy cleavage is not cute like mine.
I look good dressed in vivid red, or even funky leather slacks instead,
Gee, I really put a twinkle in Donald's roving eye!
One thing Donald I've learned is though you're a bon vivant
You're not a buffoon, bigot, or just some guy with a huge bouffant,
Not vacuous or bumptious at all, oh you're nobody's fool,
You made me feel vivacious and loads of fun.
You were a huge surprise to me,
Not bombastic, as I thought you'd be,
I will follow you, let's go (my office or yours?)
I will follow you, let's go, my office or yours?
(cue fade)
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
What the ladies are pining for =
A hot friend with a large penis.
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Take a 'Golden Shower' =
Her task: do a long wee.
3rd - Adie Pena with:
Honeymoon night =
"Oh, my! Go on in, then!"
Jason Lofts with:
Genital reconstruction =
Girl's cunt to an erection.
Larry Brash with:
Masturbation =
To burst a main.
David Bourke with:
Malodorous genitals =
Not glamorous, ladies!
Tony Crafter with:
Is a prettily attired cougar ~
a geriatric lady prostitute?
Rick Rothstein with:
Right and left breast =
Grab and felt her tits.
View with:
Bella Thorne =
Lethal boner
Christopher Sturdy with:
Breaks wind often =
Be warned of stink!
Julian Lofts with:
Father Cecil's got lucky on Tinder =
One try - fucked ten Catholic girls!
Josiah Winslow with:
What is the confused prostitute's favorite drink?
=
Do ask to start her out with stiff Seven-Up in cider.
Tom Myers with:
Earning some extra cash =
Hoes grant me sex in a car