Nominations for July, 2019

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st - Richard Grantham with:
A primary school string orchestra =
Mostly I hear cat-scraping horrors.

2nd - Adie Pena with:
We hate racism in ~
white Americans.

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
Happy smiles ~
shape my lips.

View with:
This large ice ~
is the glacier.

Meyran Kraus with:
The demolitionists =
"I lit some TNT, so hide!!"

Christopher Sturdy with:
All women share... ~
"men are shallow!"

George Missailidis with:
The writers of numerous anagrams ~
saw humorous fit rearrangements!

Rosie Perera with:
Yes, Mum, grab ~
gummy bears!

Rosie Perera with:
Gummy bears ~
be sugary. Mm!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Three things when I make sandwiches =
It's new cheese and ham with gherkins.

George Missailidis with:
It's Jesus! Oh, ~
he is so just!

George Missailidis with:
Old statue ~
outlasted.

Colleen Parkin with:
The mental disorder Schizophrenia =
A hidden peril, schizos hear torment.

George Missailidis with:
The one Lord God will shortly banish ~
all who hold sly dirt on other beings.

Rosie Perera with:
Ikea instructions to build furniture =
Useful in interior rack units? Doubt it.

George Missailidis with:
I'm eating cornflakes =
Man, it's King of Cereal!

Rosie Perera with:
Digital subscription ~
pricing suits tabloid.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Diplomatic overtures =
I avoid Trump electors.

George Missailidis with:
"I am DONE!!" ~
I moaned.

George Missailidis with:
I kept a treasure chest =
Take the pirate's curse!

Adrian Hickford with:
Catlike =
Eat... lick...

Brian Taylor with:
Ascetic values ~
cause evil acts.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The school library =
Boy rolls the chair.

Dharam Khalsa with:
An elementary school library =
Or, maybe all try online search.

David Bourke with:
Reaching the end of the line =
Death...nothing...hence relief.

Tony Crafter with:
Trump's nightmare =
Triumphant germs!

Brian Taylor with:
Look at me now! (when ~
we walk on the moon).

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Someone special? =
So please come in!

John Murray with:
Set for heatwave =
A hot sweat fever.

Rosie Perera with:
"We are experiencing higher than normal call volumes" =
Rang Excel help line, calm; wait an hour...sigh. Nevermore!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
A long, hot summer =
Humans go, or melt.

George Missailidis with:
The local dentist ~
can still do teeth.

John Murray with:
Beer, vodka and grain whiskey =
Rabid hangover, weak kidneys

FatPhil with:
Ale, cider, wine, and spirit, ~
i.e. discipline warranted

George Missailidis with:
Call on a priest =
Pastor in a cell!

George Missailidis with:
Favourite song =
It's a fun groove!

George Missailidis with:
Grey clouds =
Godly curse?

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Ellie Dent with:
The Tolstoy masterpiece, War and Peace =
A man wrote desolate yet epic chapters.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The new computer-animated version of 'The Lion King' =
We kept none of the old movie's charming nature in it.

3rd - Adie Pena with:
Salvador Dali's "The Persistence of Memory" =
Some time and space is hardly lost forever.

David Bourke with:
The US tennis player Cori Gauff =
No particular guy...she's fifteen.

Rick Rothstein with:
The US tennis player Cori "Coco" Gauff =
A cool, chic young superstar...fifteen!

David Bourke with:
Mixed doubles tennis =
Unlimited sex on beds.

View with:
I love you just the way you are =
Evaluate our joy! Yes, with you!

Tony Crafter with:
The singer, songwriter Victoria Louise 'Pixie' Lott =
Intoxicating girl. Sweet too. I sure love her spirit.

Rosie Perera with:
Horror flicks in movie theatres =
Fork over to relish scream in hit

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Gospel According to Saint Mark =
Roman tales stick to preaching God.

George Missailidis with:
The film actors are on set =
Settle in for camera shot.

George Missailidis with:
"You're breathtaking!" ~
— Keanu R. (Boy, great hit!)

Dharam Khalsa with:
Salvador Dali's "The Persistence of Memory" =
Droop, my ass! It's from increased heat level!!

turnip with:
The Big Bad Wolf ~
gobbled th' waif

Christopher Sturdy with:
The live-action Lion King =
'Novel CGI elation', I think.

Ellie Dent with:
The newest version of The Lion King film =
Movie now feels nothing like first, then?

Adrian Hickford with:
Promenade Concerts =
Composer entranced

George Missailidis with:
Nico Cartosio, "Melting" =
"Emotional song" - Critic.

Adie Pena with:
Hollywood, Los Angeles =
One glossy, hollow lead.

George Missailidis with:
The current adaptation of The Lion King =
None thank the CGI - part of it ruined a lot!

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Boris Johnson, Conservative Prime Minister of the UK =
Come on... Never. This joke? As in "British version of Trump"?

2nd - Ellie Dent with:
Bojo, the new Prime Minister =
The premier job...it's mine now!

3rd - Rosie Perera with:
"Send her back!" =
Bah, rednecks!

View with:
Megan Rapinoe, team USA =
"A mean man, a pure egoist"

John Murray with:
Climate change skepticism =
Melting ice caps? Ah, stick 'em!

Adie Pena with:
Mad Magazine is shutting down? =
Dung! The wit is so damn amazing.

Christopher Sturdy with:
I bet you'll cringe at Theresa May's hubris =
Here is a rubbish tory, "last-minute legacy".

View with:
All-time heat record =
Hell rotted America.

Rick Rothstein with:
The California earthquakes =
Oh, quite a real shaker in fact!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Sir Nigel Kim Darroch =
Chiding remarks roil

View with:
Facebook users =
So obscure, fake!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Will NASA return people to the moon in a few years? =
One replies: No, Trump is only aware of a net wealth.

Rosie Perera with:
Will NASA return people to the moon in a few years? =
A powerful nation poses, yet we'll remain on Earth.

Julian Lofts with:
This new statue of Melania Trump - it is so naive =
I hesitate at Slovenian Smurf mutation - I spew.

Rosie Perera with:
Louisiana residents brace for Tropical Storm Barry =
Our city's torrents of rain a problem, a real bad crisis.

FatPhil with:
Rene Alexander Acosta resigns =
Errors in a teenage sex scandal

Ellie Dent with:
The Brexit debacle ~
excited the rabble.

George Missailidis with:
Chernobyl disaster site =
Debacle rests in history.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Train delayed as commuter's hair gets stuck in door =
It stranded metro carriage!
You send us a locksmith!

Julian Lofts with:
It is World Stick Out Your Tongue Day =
I do untidy gesticulatory workouts.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel =
Trump assent for hateful racist ideologies

Julian Lofts with:
Tanker crisis =
Certain risks.

Tony Crafter with:
I'm Trump's worst nightmare. - Ilhan Abdullahi Omar =
"Aw, her? That Muslim girl born in Somalia? Ha!" - D.Trump.

Ellie Dent with:
Ice caps melt??!!! =
Male sceptic.

Julian Lofts with:
Screw Iran =
War’s nicer.

Julian Lofts with:
Dyeing a flock of sheep =
Had goofy pink fleeces.

Adie Pena with:
Iran bit ~
Britain!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson =
He'd axed personnel in raffle of jobs

David Bourke with:
Natalie Imbruglia announces that she is pregnant =
I suspect, in an anagram, she'll again be "Torn"! (Hit tune).

David Bourke with:
Danielle Viagus-Foster from Poole in Dorset =
"Sun-filter Adidas logo is ever left on poor me!"

Rosie Perera with:
Trump Blames White House Air Conditioning on Obama =
"It's rubbish! I'm too cold. Poor me! MAGA!" (What inane ennui.)

Christopher Sturdy with:
"It's time for a vote on capital punishment." =
Not me!!! This venomous fanatic, Priti Patel.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Objections to his boorishness, ~
so I cite the boss, Boris Johnson.

George Missailidis with:
Puffin shooters abroad =
Photo's unsafe for a bird.

John Murray with:
The next Prime Minister of Great Britain =
A Brexit gimp or a fine NHS retirement tit

Dharam Khalsa with:
Disneyland rides close after earthquakes =
All kids request a second fantasy ride here.

George Missailidis with:
The impeachment inquiry of the US =
Oh if Trump is the enemy, can he quit?!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
"Damn them, they're still uncomfortable wearing shoes!" =
The Reagan demon by whom racism is seen full-throttle

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson =
One British joker (he's Trump's minion).

2nd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Donald Trump and Boris Johnson =
Horrid spam and London's nutjob

3rd - Richard Grantham with:
Prime Minister Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson =
Firm Brexit fan from hell jeopardised one's pennies.

Adie Pena with:
Mayor Bill De Blasio =
I'm as bloody liberal!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Tommy Robinson (Stephen Yaxley-Lennon) =
Smelly Mr. Non-entity Xenophobe annoys.

Ellie Dent with:
Isabel Oakeshott =
Look! See that bias?

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Alan Mathison Turing =
As man, I hunt not a girl

Dharam Khalsa with:
US Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez =
Sure to react, rise and vocalize exasperation.

View with:
Nicole Natalie Marrow (Coco Austin) ~
is a nice, cool, natural, erotic woman.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
US Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez =
See aura to vex a racist president, a colonizer

Dharam Khalsa with:
Mayor of South Bend, Indiana, Pete Buttigieg =
Hope, integrity, ambition, and use of a budget.

Julian Lofts with:
Ah, I dislike this name =
I mean Sheila Dikshit.

Julian Lofts with:
The Chinese swimmer Sun Yang =
Hmm, yes - winner uses cheating.

Tony Crafter with:
Carrie Symonds, the partner of PM Boris Johnson =
Charmer, and horny mistress of person in top job.

Ellie Dent with:
Ms Carrie Symonds =
My, a crimson dress!

View with:
The billionare Bernie Marcus =
Rich one, but remains reliable

David Bourke with:
The American financier Jeffrey Edward Epstein =
Rich Jew fiend: "I prefer a nice teen fantasy dream!"

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
National Geographic magazines =
I gaze at charming lions on a page.

2nd - Adrian Hickford with:
Conservative Party =
Voters' crap naivety

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Media-services provider Netflix =
Six eerie films and overpriced TV.

Rosie Perera with:
Cleveland Indians mascot Chief Wahoo =
Old icon which can also defame natives.

View with:
Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps =
Group called "Iran's victorious army".

FatPhil with:
Snivel "zero value!!!"? Ban ~
Venezuelan Bolivars

View with:
Chicago =
A chic go

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Official Secrets Act =
It effaces cloister chat.

Rosie Perera with:
Uber Eats =
A sure bet!

Ellie Dent with:
Frogmore Cottage, Windsor =
Crown's idea: grotto for Meg?

Adie Pena with:
Angkor Wat Buddhist Temple, Siem Reap, Cambodia =
And it was god's abode built at Khmer Empire camp.

Tony Crafter with:
Slaughter vibrant, splendid animals in ~
The Las Ventas Bullring in Madrid, Spain.

View with:
The Gilroy Garlic Festival =
Ghostly, evil, tragical fire.

FatPhil with:
Gilroy Garlic Festival =
Logic is "try fill a grave".

David Bourke with:
A filthy rat memorably noticed ~
the City of Baltimore, Maryland.

2nd - Adie Pena with:
The Three Greatest Movie Villains of All Time
1. Joker
2. Darth Vader
3. Hannibal Lecter
=
1. Rejected over in Gotham
2. Father that Leia never loved
3. That serial killer in "Lambs."

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The main reason that Simona Halep had breast reduction surgery =
Truth is, a huge bosom area can rather hinder a lady's tennis tempo.

Brian Taylor with:
Today we salute the 400,000 people involved in faking six moon landings=

400,000 passive folk: "We didn’t malevolently ignite a hoax! No one’s duping!"

David Bourke with:
The tennis player Simona Halep's breast reduction procedure =

Pity her enormous DD pair's been cut to a lesser, lean C pair, then!

Dharam Khalsa with:
The shining sun teaches: "No matter how many times you go down, keep rising!"=
The winking moon: "In due time, it's necessary to go through many new phases!"

View with:
German leader Merkel seen shaking for third time in a month =
She remarked : "Nothing to fear, kind men. Mere thrills, I manage."

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Donald Trump, President of the United States of America =
I did mean hateful racism to spread unfettered, not stop.

Rosie Perera with:
Books and magazines in an elementary school library=
On Beyond Zebra
Shark (National Geo.)
Animals
Smile Cry

Ellie Dent with:
My husband Greg has been in the strangest mood lately. When I asked
him why, he said perhaps the time is come to take a break. ~
Gather by that the past spark we had seemed to be missing. OK. Then
I tasered him. Hey, I'll ask again when he comes round. Maybe.

Julian Lofts with:
Rutger Hauer (replicant Roy Batty) has died. This malcontent’s flown =
The actor was the star in the gory dystopian cult film ‘Bladerunner’.

Christopher Sturdy with:
The odds of disorderly Brexit are a-million-to-one against.
=
I'd relax, retired if I loaded money on Boris's longshot.
Ta-ta!

Meyran Kraus with:

USA, 1920

1. People forget to drink (during Prohibition)
2. Fierce post-war Depression
3. Silent films
4. Women can vote!
5. Free immigration!

=

USA, 2019

1. People drink to forget (their idiot POTUS)
2. Fiercer pre-war nerves
3. Deafening films
4. "Women in politics? Boo!"
5. "NO IMMIGRANTS!"

:/

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:

"Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life." -- Seneca the Younger

=

- Be cheesy, nice and true;
- Stand up to a scary savage;
- Lie to no one again;
- Feel peace at heart.

3rd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life.--Seneca the Younger
=
To see constant rebirth as an idea gave a needy guy ethereal peace.--A Confucian apostle

Rosie Perera with:
Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life. -- Seneca the Younger=
Laughter that can ease your depression into abeyance can even defeat it. A goal: escape.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life." -- Seneca the Younger
=
A cat's day: Rise, eat once, clean face, ignore you, eat, tongue-bathe, vanish, sleep, and repeat.
.

Gary Kirschenheuter with:
"Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life." -- Seneca the Younger ~
"Accepts a poison, as an avenue to guarantee a beefy inheritance legacy," -- Stead the Older

Rosie Perera with:
"Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life." -- Seneca the Younger
=
"You are only born once, then each dies in pieces at a fast pace." -- A late-age average student.

Adrian Hickford with:
Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life. -- Seneca the Younger
=
True, anyone can begin to appreciate 'la dolce vita': eat honey (after sausages and cheese)!

Adie Pena with:
Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life. -- Seneca the Younger
=
A cyclical repeat of Groundhog Day can sate even the beaten Europeans' insatiate ease.

Julian Lofts with:
"Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life." -- Seneca the Younger
=
Gee, an ancient philosopher observed actual auto-transcendence. Aye, yet I age as a fate.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life." -- Seneca the Younger
=
"The secret is to get enough sleep, before you can create a pleasant day." -- a naive Canadian

Dharam Khalsa with:
Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life. -- Seneca the Younger
=
As each day is an elegant present to you, be grateful and act to achieve peace. -- Arisen One

Christopher Sturdy with:
Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life. -- Seneca the Younger=
Of a Boris acceptance speech:
Rage at EU...
Elated as a leaver...
and you ain't seen nothing yet!

Rosie Perera with:
Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life. -- Seneca the Younger=
A great rue: If one's *already* alive, can one *begin* to do that? Aye, Seneca can't teach us peeps!

George Missailidis with:
"Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life." -- Seneca the Younger
=
Ready to live happy? Gee, accentuate seeing lotteries to earn an abundance -- a sea of cash!!

Richard Grantham with:
Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life. -- Seneca the Younger
=
"To be happy: Eat eggs, evacuate serenely each sunrise, and fart a toccata." -- One online idea

Ellie Dent with:
Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life." -- Seneca the Younger=
Accentuate the positive: each day's a gift. Agree? Anyone can learn about a deeper lesson.

George Missailidis with:
"Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life." -- Seneca the Younger
=
One's "failure" is a chance to hope everyday, being a neat and elegant start to cause peace.

View with:
"Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life." -- Seneca the Younger
=
Every Day is a start for unused talent, a chance to be nice, to see a peace angel, hope again!

Ellie Dent with:
"Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life." -- Seneca the Younger.
=
I can cite an adage, see:

Laugh, often, (even the apes do) to ease a pain. But cry...cry tears alone.

Tony Crafter with:
Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life. -- Seneca the Younger
=
As a nice, teenage devotee, I gotta be at church. So, yes, on a Sunday, life can appear eternal!

David Bourke with:
"Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life." -- Seneca the Younger
=
I escape septua-octo-nona-senility, age and thereon reach a century as a deaf vegetable!

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
SENIORS' ROAD TRIP

Whilst on a road trip, an old couple stopped at a restaurant to have some lunch.

After finishing their meal, they quickly left the table, anxious to push on with their trip.

Exiting the restaurant, the woman wasn't aware that she had left her spectacles on the table inside, and didn't realise this until they'd driven 7.5 miles.

To make matters even worse, they had to drive several miles down the road to find somewhere safe to turn round before they could make the return journey to pick up the glasses.

All the way back, the husband was the classic waspish and tetchy old man. He complained during the whole journey, constantly criticizing his wife's mistake. The more he ranted, the more belligerent he became, not letting up on his whingeing and jabbering for a single minute.

To the wife's relief, they finally reached the restaurant. As she exited the car and dashed in to get her glasses, the old man shouted to her, "Oh, and while you're in there Debra, you might as well get my hat and credit cards!"

=

NO RELEASE

A 75-year-old man was told by his doctor to have a sperm-count check as part of a State Health Assessment. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this home and bring a semen sample in tomorrow.'

Early next day the man reappeared in the medic's office clutching the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day!

The doctor asked why, and the ill-at-ease man explained, 'Well, you see, first I tried using my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried using the weaker left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife to assist. She tried with her right hand, then her left hand, still nothing. She tried with her mouth too, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, but still nothing.

'We even called Carrie Collier from next door, and she tried as well, first with both hands, then an armpit. Carrie even tried squeezing it between her knees, but it was useless.'

'Are you serious, sir?' gasped the doctor, 'You actually called out a female neighbour?'

The elderly man replied, 'Yep. But none of us could get the jar open.'

2nd - Ellie Dent with:
THE CROCODILE WRESTLER

A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his wealthy buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a really agreeable time drinking,
dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionaire said, "I have a large fifteen-foot, man-eating crocodile in my pool and I will
give a million dollars to anyone who will join him in the pool, OK?"

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was an almighty splash.

Everyone turned around and saw that Brian was in the pool fighting madly with the enormous crocodile, jabbing it in its eyes
with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butting it, getting it in choke-holds, biting its tail and tossing it through the air like
he was some kind of martial arts expert.
~
The water was churning, gurgling frighteningly and splashing everywhere. Both Brian and the crocodile were screaming and
raising hell.

Finally, after what had seemed like an age, the intrepid Brian held, then strangled the unhappier crocodile and let it float to
the top of the private pool, like a dead goldfish. Brian, their hero, a very tired thinnish man, emerged wearily from the pool,
with everybody staring at him in disbelief.

The millionaire said jovially to Brian: "Right, I owe you a million dollars."

"Nah, you're all right, I don't want it," said Brian.

The millionaire said: "I have to give you something. You won the bet. Half a million bucks, how about that?"

"No thanks, I don't want it," Brian insisted.

The millionaire said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was incredibly frightening. A Porsche, a Rolex, some
stock options? There, how about it?"

Again, Brian said "No."

Thoroughly confused, the man asked, "Well then, just what d'you want?"

"I want the b*****d who pushed me in."

3rd - Adie Pena with:
9 Reasons Why Boris Johnson Should Be Prime Minister
1. We need a man with a curious long name
2. He's deemed the lovable, wittiest and blubbery "King of Gaffes" (See his fiery dances!)
3. He'd be very patriotic. (Remember the time he once attempted to dangle in the London sky waving two Union Jack flags?)
4. He campaigned for deepened serious change – Example: Stamp out nasty FGM!
5. A methodical step, he'll decide to provide more cash for schools everywhere
6. With ease, he'll accede to raise the National Insurance contribution threshold
7. More beneficiaries: He'd proceed to make our life more financially comfortable and our seediest, unswept streets safer.
8. Maintained "Barnet fair" (British slang for "hair")
9. Brexit.
=
9 Reasons Why Boris Johnson Should Never Be Prime Minister
1. He carelessly referred to black people as "piccanninnies" with "watermelon smiles"
2. The jughead recited a colonial-era poem in Myanmar
3. He said effing Libya would be great once they've "cleared away the dead bodies"
4. The indifferent man used racist terms to describe Barack Obama
5. He wrote a poem about the Turkish President having sex with an effing goat
6. The ignoramus compared the EU's aims for a superstate to those of effing Hitler
7. He shamelessly insulted the entire city of Liverpool
8. The inconsiderate man compared Muslim women wearing veils to "bank robbers" and "letter boxes"
9. He couldn't decide if he'd done effing cocaine or not.

Julian Lofts with:
(1) Some Famous High-Ranking Friends or Enablers of Jeffrey Epstein
(3) that egregious billionaire financier.
(5) the British socialite Ghislaine Maxwell,
(7) Prince Andrew, the Duke of York,
(9) a sex slave Virginia Roberts,
(11) The American entrepreneur Donald Trump,
=
(2) Rumor or nonsense I infer? Rearrest the felon,
(4) Paedophile sex trafficker ran parties with
(6) UK media tycoon’s daughter.
(8) had sexual relations with
(10) baby-faced jeune fille ‘virgin’ in fresh lingerie/miniskirt?!
(12) an overeager Palm Beach bestie ogling minors?!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Top Ten Reasons the Moon Landings Could Be a Hoax:

10. The Waving Flag
9. Lack of Impact Crater
8. Multiple Light Sources
7. The Van Allen Radiation Belt
6. The Unexplained Object
5. Slow-Motion Walking and Hidden Cables
4. Lack of Stars
3. The "C" Rock
2. The Layered Cross-hairs
1. The Duplicate Backdrop
=
10. Expected to be calm (no wind)
9. No dust kicked up on vehicle arrival
8. Wacky shadows
7. Harsh - humans can be fried
6. Reflection in astronaut's helmet
5. Stroll lag, exaggerated leaps
4. Nothing to block all constellations
3. Like a prop
2. Located behind objects
1. Identical match, though far apart

Julian Lofts with:

Time Magazine’s List of The Top Ten Abuses of Power on their website

1. Richard Nixon's Plumbers
2. India's Telecoms Scandal
3. Dennis Kozlowski and the Tyco Roman Orgy
4. Gaddafi's Nepotism
5. Moshe Katsav and the Ministry Staffer
6. Silvio Berlusconi and the Bunga Bunga Parties
7. Kim Jong Il's Concubines
8. Roger Vangheluwe's Abuse Scandal
9. China's Food Safety Czar Accepts Bribes
10. Albert Fall's Teapot Dome
But where on earth is President Trump?=
Scandalous Obscurantists, Fibbing Gentlemen
1. Watergate break-in
2. Bent Andimithu Raja
3. Pure tactlessness of conman’s ice Statue of David urinating vodka
4. Bizarre dictator’s beneficent old boy network
5. Israel’s President’s scandal
6. PM gambols with, beds sassy teen Karima El Mahroug
7. Schmaltziest Happy Corps cocottes
8. Bishop of Bruges’ pedophile offense
9. Zheng Xiaoyu sinned
10. Oil field Mammon.
Ah, sinner. Love rat ruts with whores.

Dharam Khalsa with:
“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me:
I lift my lamp beside the golden door.”
- Emma Lazarus
=
The prized, humourless yet honest, verse emerged in a
fundraiser for money needed to promote the pedestal
which holds the esteemed statue of Miss Liberty. May I
urge all of you to study or remember her good message?

Julian Lofts with:
These ‘Progressive’ US Congresswomen were born in the United States of America or Somalia:
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
Rashida Tlaib
Ayanna Pressley
Ilhan Omar
=
Yes, a real moral fiasco now. Trump, a malignant moronic orator, abuses senoras in xenophobic tweets. He’s a vile harasser. They are not radicalized ISIS renegades!

Dharam Khalsa with:
“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me:
I lift my lamp beside the golden door.”
- Emma Lazarus
=
Seemed Mr. Trump, in a doozy of a Tweet,
Though US sees no system, method, remedy, or remorse,
Delightedly ordered his bullyish repeat
Theme of deportation, obeyed of course:
Leaving refugees at shelters in summer heat.

Dharam Khalsa with:
This present year's hurricane names (National Hurricane Center):
Andrea
Barry
Chantal
Dorian
Erin
Fernand
Gabrielle
Humberto
Imelda
Jerry
Karen
Lorenzo
Melissa
Nestor
Olga
Pablo
Rebekah
Sebastien
Tanya
Van
Wendy
=
A Prediction by Hannah Banana:
Aberrant
Brazen bear
Contrary
Dreary
Eerie
Fickle
Globular
Harsh; Headed here
Incessant
Junior
Kind
Larger
Minor
Nearly nominal
Ominous
Pleasant
Relentless
Serene
Tame
Vast
Watery

Meyran Kraus with:

Donald Trump Reviews Movies

* "Fine action movie about a businessman that believes in free enterprise and the prying scientists and two stupid kids that ruin it all for him. JURASSIC PARK, three and a half stars. (And Dern is a seven, maybe less. Based on a true story.)"

* "OK, the ending was a decent history lesson, but it was hard to know who to root for throughout. There were many decent people on both sides! INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS, two stars."

* "Sorry, only saw the porn parody. That said, the wonderful SCHINDLER'S LUST does get five stars from me."

* "Mariachi midget hangs around with some corpses and this huge rat. Sleazy propaganda film for a crime-infested culture, and it really backfired on them - every kid in the audience was crying near the end. The entire cast is getting a visit from ICE very soon. COCO gets three stars, though, because the people in the film stayed where they belong."

=

* "Very informative movie about terrorists trying to blow stuff up in space and the good, hard-working people trying to stop them. Too bad the terrorists win in the end and destroy Mr. Vader's property. Disgusting witch-hunt! STAR WARS, half a star."

* "Undocumented, dangerous idiot works for the enemy (some failing newspaper), hides behind a terrible costume and some dubious alias, and can't get laid. And this is a 'hero'? Yeah right, critics! SUPERMAN, one and a half stars."

* "Haven't seen either, but so what? They're still very big influences. One inspired my whole successful career, the other one got me the presidency. TROLL and HACKERS, four stars each."

* "Oh, I have seen some scary movies in my life, but this one takes the cake. I was shaking, I couldn't breathe and I just begged it to end; after it was over I was a mess and I couldn't sleep for days... They went too far! ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN, zero stars."

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
W.H. Auden's poem 'The More Loving One'

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.=
An Ode About AlieNation

I'd claim that 'alien' looks vile
For foreign toil (or migrant work):
It hailed from that inane, weird pile
Of quaint 'cliches' or tragic 'quirks';
Folks let it thrive, though (we all knew)
Those tense foundations could spell fear,
Then, please, how would they nettle you -
These latest 'blights' who settle here?
They're spent and haven't slept in days
And we don't give them room or breaks;
Dim mates may bark some racial phrase
But most can't see our big mistake:
If we would doom those from afar
To more strain and damnation,
It absolutely means we are
The true AlieNation.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:

BONFIRE IN THE GARDEN
(November 5th Mishap)

A note came through our door, delivered by the local scouts,
It read: ‘We collect waste paper, so please don’t throw yours out!
‘Just leave it on your doorstep (tied in bundles if preferred)
‘On each alternate Friday, starting May the twenty-third.’

I read it to my wife and moaned, “I can’t be faffed with that,”
She glared at me and growled, “Oh, yes you can and that's a fact!
“It helps them earn much-needed funds,” she said with huffs and sighs,
“You should be sympathetic to such youthful enterprise.”

Now, friends, if you know Brenda, then you'll know she rules by fear,
Her laser-glare bored through me and I answered, “OK, dear.”
So every week I bound them up with string (for extra grip)
Old Daily Mails and paper bags and losing lotto slips.

I left them on the doorstep on the twenty-third of May,
But, contrary to promises, they did not call that day
They did not call both times in June, nor both times in July,
Then didn't call the next month and the stack had grown sky-high

September came, the boy scouts didn’t, nor October too,
And all the while the stack of papers grew and grew and grew.
On Guy Fawkes night I huffed, “No more! My patience now is shot;
I’ll build a bonfire in the garden - burn the bloody lot!”

All evening it took to heft that paper through the house,
And all the while I muttered muffled curses at my spouse;
For it was she who'd said we should support the local scouts,
As far as I’m concerned they’re more a bunch of feckless louts.

When finally the fire was made, I gave a great big sigh,
That looming pile of paper was well over ten feet high!
In other gardens down the road, the fireworks had begun;
If other folk were at it, hell, then I should join the fun!
~
My waiting pile was ready, but before I struck my match...
That gallon of stale petrol in the shed should help it catch!
I poured the fuel upon the fire and lit it at the base,
Woomph! it went and singed the brows and lashes off my face.

Fiery sheets of paper fluttered way up in the sky,
Then fell to ground, still burning, on my neighbours' plots nearby.
At Number 5 the lid was off their jumbo firework box,
Some hot ash landed in it and set off the bloody lot!

There were Catherine wheels and rockets, some Roman candles too,
And things that screamed and things that banged and things that went woo-hoo!
A rocket soared into the shed of Cyril Jaye next door,
Where cylinders of butane for his caravan were stored…

The mighty blast that followed blew the roof clean off his shed,
And vicious wooden splinters flew like missiles past my head,
Huge lumps of molten roofing-tar dripped into woods nearby,
Igniting ancient undergrowth where everything was dry.

The greedy flames jumped up the trees and turned the grey sky red,
Then danced up spindly branches, melting power lines overhead,
As all the lights went out in every house in our parade;
I grabbed my torch and ran inside to ring the fire brigade.

As I waited in the outhouse, having made my fateful call,
A knock came on the door, just at the far end of the hall,
I turned my torch towards the sound, and through the frosted glass,
Saw silhouettes of uniforms; My firefighters, at last!

I rushed to let them in but tripped up on the hallway rug,
My head bounced off a wall then hit the oak door with a thud;
I weakly reached to open it, and looked up through the blur…
Two boy scouts said, “Hello, we’ve come to collect your paper, sir!”

(Anon)

Tony Crafter with:
Olga’s Cruise Ship Diary.

DEAR DIARY – DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship — all my loveliest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting! Our local Red Hat chapter, The Late Bloomers, decided on this “all-girls” trip. It'll be my first one – and I cannot wait!

DEAR DIARY – DAY 2
Spent entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met our Captain, Vernon Brownlow, today — seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY – DAY 3
At the pool today. Played some bowls and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain Brownlow invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He's very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY – DAY 4
Won £185 in the ship’s casino! Vernon, the Captain, asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal, with caviar and champagne. So nice! He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I'd never be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY – DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburnt and went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed for rest of day. Vernon saw me, bought me several large drinks, got me giggling with stories of funny experiences at sea. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the whole night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his wicked way with me, he would sink the ship with everyone on board… I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY – DAY 6
Today I saved 3150 lives.
Twice

=

An Anagram Obsessive's Diary.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
Heard Beach Boys' 'Good Vibrations' on radio today. Thought: 'Hey, I'll anagram that.'
Letter count is 1350. It'll be a cinch.
Worked all night on it.
Unable to sleep, tune repeatedly circling round my head.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Woke up with tune still in head.
Wife, Viv, asked if I'd mow lawn. Told her, "Yep. I'll have a quick pee, make us a cup of tea, then do lawn.
Whilst mid-pee, had a couple of ideas for 'gram. Booted up PC in bid to record them while still in head."
Three hours later, realised I hadn't made teas. Went to kitchen. Saw wife in garden mowing.
Went back on PC.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
Hardly slept last night as head awash with ideas. Spent all day on PC in a specific exercise to work them into the 'gram.
Saw Viv for first time over dinner. She didn't speak to me.
Ate meal in silence, then back to PC.

Dear Diary - 4
Those bloody vibrations aren't givin' me the excitations! I realise why Brian Wilson went doolally. I can't rid my head of them!

Dear Diary - Day 5
80% finished.
I still can't stop humming that bleedin' tune! I'm obsessed by it! I'm also slightly suicidal.
Just realised, haven't seen Viv for two days.
Found note on stairs saying: 'Have run off with used-car salesman. Mercifully, he doesn't even know what an anagram is.'
Hey-ho, her loss.

Dear Diary - Day 6
Finished 'gram.

Dear Diary - Day 15
'Good Vibrations' entry scored nil points in the voting. I'm devastated!

Ellie Dent with:

"The brilliant poppy flaunts her head
Amidst the ripening grain,
And adds her voice to sell the song
That August's here again."
- Helen Winslow
=
Oh bright, resplendent then
I saw the poppies tall, vain
as girls freshly rouge'd
dance on in heat, lighthearted
'til Autumn ends a show, again.

Ellie Dent with:
SONNET XVII
the Seventeenth Love Sonnet by the Chilean poet Pablo Neruda.

No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal, topacio,
o flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego:
te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras,
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.

Te amo como la planta que no florece y lleva
dentro de sí, escondida, la luz de aquellas flores,
y gracias a tu amor vive oscuro en mi cuerpo
el apretado aroma que ascendió de la tierra.

Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde,
te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:
así te amo por que no sé amar de otra manera,

sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres,
tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía,
tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño.=
I love you not as some aromatic rose of summer
or as a fieriness of carnation color attracts,
or as a cool jade artefact.

I love you as a secret gem's loved,
concealed amid a central quiet space:
a tranquil soul, one unexplored.

I love thee as a plant never opens carries
an essence of a bloom, a quite unique
aroma; an amor once accommodated
deep in me can come to bloom too.

I adore thee: a simple quiet love;
uncalculated, undemanding, unconquerable,
no masquerade, no arrogance or pride.
I adore thee as I possess no other means.

Remember, as I see thy hand at peace on my
breast is also mine too, even as sleep comes
to tranquilize us, as our eyes go dull and close,
a pair can seem to melt and become one.

David Bourke with:
THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA
by The Charlie Daniels Band

The Devil went down to Georgia,
He was lookin' for a soul to steal,
He was in a bind, 'cause he was way behind,
And he was willin' to make a deal.

When he came upon this young man,
Sawin' on a fiddle and playin' it hot,
And the Devil jumped up on a hickory stump,
And said, "Boy, let me tell you what!

I guess you didn't know it,
But I'm a fiddle player too,
And if you'd care to take a dare,
I'll make a bet with you.

Now you play a pretty good fiddle, boy,
But give the Devil his due,
I'll bet a fiddle of gold against your soul,
'Cause I think I'm better than you!"

The boy said, "My name's Johnny,
And it might be a sin,
But I'll take your bet, and you're gonna regret,
'Cause I'm the best there's ever been!"

Johnny, rosin up your bow and play your fiddle hard,
'Cause hell's broke loose in Georgia,
And the Devil deals the cards,
And if you win, you get this shiny fiddle made of gold,
But if you lose, the Devil gets your soul.

The Devil opened up his case,
And he said, "I'll start this show",
And fire flew from his fingertips,
As he rosined up his bow.

Then he pulled the bow across the strings,
And it made an evil hiss,
And a band of demons joined in,
And it sounded something like this...

When the Devil finished,
Johnny said, "Well, you're pretty good, old son!
But sit down in that chair right there,
And let me show you how it's done!"

He played Fire on the Mountain run boys, run,
The Devil's in the House of the Rising Sun,
Chicken in a bread pan pickin' out dough,
Granny, does your dog bite? No child, no.

The Devil bowed his head,
Because he knew that he'd been beat,
And he laid that golden fiddle,
On the ground at Johnny's feet.

Johnny said, "Devil, just come on back,
If you ever want to try again.
I done told you once, you son of a bitch,
I'm the best that's ever been!"

He played Fire on the Mountain, run boys, run,
The Devil's in the House of the Rising Sun,
Chicken in a bread pan pickin' out dough,
Granny, does your dog bite? No child, no.

=

THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO HORSHAM
by The Fields Of Finian String Ensemble

One day, the Devil, he visited Horsham,
(To Barns Green, to be precise).
His demeanour, everyone would say,
Was unkind, ornery...not very nice!

He took out his pointy double bass,
(He'd painted it in a sanguine red,
To intimidate young Chris Sturdy..."HSP",
In a low-down shoot-out, head-to-head).

He duly strode into the Village Hall, high noon,
Eyeing various individuals playing Scrabble,
He boomed, "Hey you! You're this bull-fiddle guy, huh?"
Said HSP, "Why, indeedy! I dabble!"

To uncouth, ungodly laughing,
The Devil, he duly made a hideous start,
(Loose 'E' for to blame for an annoying sound,
Like a hippo's runny fart).

Then he ruined 'Touch' (by Stanley Clarke),
Everyone dumbfounded, awed, mouth agape...
By jove! An unholy noise like a tinful of spanners,
Down an iron fire escape.

HSP, he took over, undaunted,
He gave Lucifer what for!
He did a dynamite 'Johnny Got A Boom Boom'...
'Moondance'...'The Lovecats', by The Cure.

He straddled it, slapped it good, so good,
In a jaunty 'Rockabilly Rebel',
An astounding, and thunderous, window-rattling sound,
Woody, with a lack of treble.

The two lines in 'Walk On The Wild Side',
He even did at the same time!
In 'Runaway Boys' (by The Stray Cats),
His intonation was indeed sublime!

He did 'Hound Dog', and 'Heartbreak Hotel' too,
While blindfolded, one hand tied behind his back,
A just insane 'Flight Of The Bumblebee',
Fire-eating, spinning a plate stack.

He did a fine, fluid Haydn fugue, with the bow,
Then laid it defiantly down onstage,
The jealous Devil's face was red as his bass,
It just contorted in satanic rage.

This highly-intense half-marathon done,
HSP was no doubt indeed drained.
The dejected Devil was distraught, though,
The indignity! I kid you not, he was pained!

"You keep this humiliation to yourself,
Your Majesty I implore you!", weepy Old Nick begs...
Owned, he flounced out, back up to Rochester,
In ignominy, tail between his legs.

THE RUDE CATEGORY

1st - Christopher Sturdy with:
In desperation for the bog =
Need for a big shite, pronto!

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
As this lady seems to wink at me in a dream... ~
I am then awake and my mattress is soiled. :(

3rd - David Bourke with:
Frogmore Cottage in Windsor ~
does for moronic ginger twat!

Adrian Hickford with:
Mistress urinated on pupil =
Trump is so unpresidential.

FatPhil with:
I cry mid poo spurt =
cryptosporidium?

View with:
The sweetheart's new=
He's seen her wet twat.

George Missailidis with:
Today's slut, Sue, ~
uses adult toys.

Julian Lofts with:
Anal copulation =
Optional lacuna.

Adie Pena with:
Jeffrey Edward Epstein =
Free date? Jew finds prey!

Gary Kirschenheuter with:
Donald Trump, he's going for a reelection bid this year~
No to a flirt game, I did decline to grab her on her pussy.

George Missailidis with:
Penis or vagina films =
Porn files I am saving!

John Murray with:
The railway stations =
Alas, shitty train woe.

Brian Taylor with:
Massage relaxes old user =
Released sexual orgasms.

Tony Crafter with:
A rash on the arse =
Reason? Heat-rash.

Tyler Severance with:
Clap them alien cheeks =
Please milk the chance!

The Anagrammy Awards