MAY 2008 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2008

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Rosie Perera with:
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull =
All on set think Lucas and Ford enjoyed making this.

2nd - Andrew Brehaut with:
General Hospital =
Real healing spot.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Madonna's 'Sticky & Sweet' Tour =
Tarty woman nods, "Suck it & see!"

Adie Pena with:
The singer Josh Groban's "You Raise Me Up" =
There's a superb joyous song I'm hearing.

Adie Pena with:
Actor Aristotelis "Telly" Savalas =
So, a realistic TV star eats a lolly.

Ellie Dent with:
"Easy Reading Shakespeare: The Bard in Bite-Size Verse" =
Hey, kids, see a geezer's phrases are abbreviated, innit?

David Bourke with:
The Cherie Blair autobiography 'Speaking For Myself' =
A huge ego-trip of a remarkably selfish hypocrite. Bin!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull =
Don't fancy snake-hating heroes? I'd just kill old man!

Adie Pena with:
The American star Woody Allen ~
wrote comedy as art: "Annie Hall."

Adie Pena with:
The Bee Gees' musical movie "Saturday Night Fever" =
See Travolta (i.e., he's the smug bum) give fiery dance.

Adie Pena with:
Eleventh studio album "Hard Candy" is released. ~
The seductively durable Madonna is here, lads!

View with:
'Tony Awards' =
Art nowdays.

Adie Pena with:
David Cook is the latest "American Idol" =
I said, "He looks attractive and melodic!"

Adie Pena with:
ÒIndiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" =
Just old man Ford still sneaking on a hackneyed hit.

Rosie Perera with:
"The Garden of Earthly Delights" by Hieronymus Bosch=
1) Creation myth; both shy
2) Shed fears; big nude orgy
3) Hell

David Bourke with:
'A Question of Honour' by Lord Michael Levy =
Cheques for Tony Blair? Oh, you vile old man!

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Ellie Dent with:
The Mars Landing =
Damn earthlings!

2nd - Rosie Perera with:
Cyclone Nargis ~
circles Yangon.

3rd - Adie Pena with:
The Microsoft and Yahoo deal =
Lots of head-to-head acrimony.

View with:
Serious Devastation =
See tornado visit USA.

David Bourke with:
Labour's worst election results in forty years =
All surely sense it's courtesy of traitor Brown

Rosie Perera with:
The Islamist insurgency =
It's increasingly us-them.

Adie Pena with:
San Diego State University =
Invites to an easy drug site.

Rosie Perera with:
Polaroid discontinuing their instant film =
Ah, no point in it, since old firm turns digital.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Clinton fights on amid doubts she can win =
A shift in odd slow-bouncing tennis match.

Adie Pena with:
Paedophile Wayne Nelson Corliss arrested in NJ =
Pale and retired, he now enjoys ass in prison cell!

Rosie Perera with:
Myanmar military junta refuses aid =
Afraid US army, let in, may just remain.

Rosie Perera with:
Jenna Bush marries Henry Hager in Crawford, Texas =
Er, bride has sex on warring father's ranch, May-June.

Rosie Perera with:
Obama erases Clinton's lead among superdelegates =
A man's goal to become US president nears, as alleged.

Adie Pena with:
The Missouri and Oklahoma tornadoes =
Ooh, listen! A dark, ominous storm ahead!

Adie Pena with:
Myanmar: "No to U.N. aid! ~
May damn our nation!"

Paul Pan with:
US target practice in Iraq =
GI's caprice: I tatter Quran.

View with:
Cyclone mourning begins in Burma =
Men crying on unbecoming burials

Rosie Perera with:
Britain allows mixed animal-human embryos =
It's in! Examine our woman-llama-lamb hybrids!

Rosie Perera with:
Mozambique's policemen 'too fat to chase criminals' =
Quite mammoth African cops mobilize -- toes on scale!

Rosie Perera with:
I uncover chaps in ~
Sichuan province.

Tony Crafter with:
The Champions League Final in Moscow =
ManU win footie clash! Chelsea moping.

Adie Pena with:
Senator Clinton=
Nice? Not!
Ran. Lost.

Adie Pena with:
Gasoline price rising, ~
increasing oil gripes.

Rosie Perera with:
Sydney Irwin Pollack ~
lay sickly; now end. RIP.

Tony Crafter with:
Peter Phillips and Autumn Kelly's royal marriage =
Smiley, up-market ritual grandly appears in ... Hello!

Rosie Perera with:
Nepal abolishes monarchy, ~
banishes royal men. Oh, clap!

David Bourke with:
The footballer Wayne Rooney's stag night =
The boy fails to get one last granny whore!

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Ellie Dent with:
Monsieur Claude Oscar Monet =
Sunrise... and colour came to me!

2nd - Neil Ramsay with:
President Boris Tadic =
Did I protect Serbians?

3rd - View with:
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton =
Lord, halt her corny nationalism!

Scott Gardner with:
Frenchman Auguste Rodin =
Can form huge nudes in art.

David Bourke with:
Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson =
Fresh job: Fix and free London, please!

Ellie Dent with:
Obama and Clinton =
Action man: A blond.

Adie Pena with:
The singer and actress Dolly Rebecca Parton =
Can concert display her noted large breasts?

Adie Pena with:
The artist Leonardo di ser Piero da Vinci =
I praised this old inventor, idea creator.

Rosie Perera with:
The American painter James Abbott McNeill Whistler =
Brilliant man. We repeat: Can't his abject mother smile?

David Bourke with:
Theresa Bailey à
Breathe easily!

Tony Crafter with:
The Parisian artist Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec =
Ah! I painted a theatre's lure in its true colours!

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
(Grumpy patron): "Waitress! Is this coffee or tea? It tastes like turpentine!" =
(Trim young waitress): "It's tea, then. Our coffee tastes like paint-stripper."

2nd - Scott Gardner with:
William Shakespeare's "Tragedy of Antony and Cleopatra" =
Asp kills Egyptian lady Roman hero defeats at ocean war

3rd - Rosie Perera with:
George Bush's presidency disapproval rating hits all-time high =
Poll said seventy percent gag at his horrible, rigid mishaps. Ugh!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"We cannot despair of humanity, since we ourselves are human beings."--
Albert Einstein =
Version in a teen's publication since the issues began: "What, me worry?"--
Alfred E. Neuman

Adie Pena with:
Heard this good one lately: Why do we "put our two cents in" but then it is only a "penny for our thoughts"? =
Tip on a thoroughly confounded U.S. Treasury titbit: Has the other penny slowly gone out the window?

Rosie Perera with:
A California lawmaker wants to ban motorists from holding pets on their laps while driving =
No paws on that steering wheel in traffic, morons! Said violators might drop animal (will bark).

Rosie Perera with:
You must be the change you wish to see in the world--Mahatma Gandhi =
Which means you must get Obama in the darn holy gated White House.

Adie Pena with:
Decca's Dick Rowe signs up Brian Poole and the Tremeloes instead. =
One-track-minded person ignores Beatles deal. Choice was stupid!

Adie Pena with:
Dick Rowe to Brian Epstein: "Groups with guitars are on their way out." =
George Harrison, surprised: "A bit patient with you, we can work it out."

View with:
Myanmar says no need for foreign aid distribution =
'Mafia-state' informs any undesired donor. Big irony.

Adie Pena with:
Mike Gilbert's "How I Helped O.J. Get Away With Murder: The Shocking Inside Story of Violence, Loyalty, Regret and Remorse"
=
Some justice? Who cares! I merely need to hawk my niggardly thing. Please forgive this dirty little book. Order here now!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Ten Premier League medals (and many other gongs) in sixteen years of glory =
One may see entitled home player Ryan Giggs and mentor Sir Alex Ferguson!

Rosie Perera with:
"Benefits Supervisor Sleeping" by Lucian Freud sells for record thirty-three million =
Item: Very fat, full-figured British person reclines nude on her bolster. Price: So silly!

Rosie Perera with:
"A vote for John McCain is a vote for George Bush's third term." -- Barack Obama =
Jeer, for Americans got sick of that man's overboard combat behavior. Ugh!

Rosie Perera with:
Polar bears declared a threatened species (due to global warming) =
Bedraggled, same-coloured, dapper water beasts are all on thin ice.

Adie Pena with:
Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, Arlington National Cemetery =
Bent on Memorial Day, we long for lost kin in that encounter.

Rosie Perera with:
The American film director and actor Sydney Irwin Pollack (1934-2008) =
Cancer kills worthy and prolific retired cinema man today.

Adie Pena with:
Scott McClellan's "What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington's Culture of Deception" =
We show that bunch the conceited hustle, inept lies, and cheap "Weapons of Mass Destruction" dunghill.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Former white house spokesman Scott McClellan bashes Bush in damning new book=
Aha! Bloke blows whistle on chief commander; congressmen must think subpoenas.

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
WHO? WHY? WHERE?

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600 employees and which has the following statistics?

29 have been accused of spouse abuse.

7 have been arrested for fraud.

19 have been accused of writing bad cheques.

116 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least two businesses.

3 have done time for assault.

71 cannot get a credit card due to a bad credit rating.

4 have been arrested on drugs-related charges.

8 have been arrested for shoplifting.

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits.

84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year.

So, which of our organizations is this, exactly?

Well ...

It is the 635 members of our House of Commons - that same group, remember, who crank out hundreds of new laws each year to keep the rest of us commoners in line!

Hmm ...

=

THE EASIEST TEST EVER?
(Try this to test your degree of savvy!)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) Which animal gives us catgut?

4) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel-hair brush made from?

6) The Canary Islands are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What colour is a purple finch?

9) Where do Chinese Gooseberries originate from?

10) What colour is the black box in an airplane?

Done?

Perfect!

But you need four correct answers to pass the test, so ... check beneath:

1) 116 years

2) Ecuador

3) Sheep and Horses

4) November

5) Squirrel fur

6) Dogs

7) Albert

8) Crimson

9) New Zealand

10) Orange

Did you succeed and get four?

No?

Feel bad?

Never mind.

Send it to five best friends to make them feel bad and you feel fine!

2nd - Adie Pena with:
Three sexy blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

Roy, the officer conducting the interview, looked at the three and said, "Well, so you all really want to be cops, eh?"

The blondes announced, "Really!"

Roy got up from his chair, strolled across the room, opened a file drawer and pulled out a manila folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so on."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

He shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It is just a side profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

He then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds.

~

He pulled it back and said, "And you? Detect something different about this man?"

"He only has one ear!"

He put his head in his hands and said, "Didn't you hear what I just told her? This is a side profile. Of course you can only see one ear! You're out of it, too!" The second seductive one left.

Pessimistic, he turned to the third sexy blonde and said: "This is probably a waste of time, but..."

He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything different about this man?"

The vivacious blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The pompous officer frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

Outguessed, he looked up at the blonde with a baffled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His database bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

"Well, Helloooo!" the condescending blonde rolled her eyes and scoffed, "Cut the disguise, detective! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
I hear that after Picasso came home to find someone in the process of rifling his big new chateau, he drew a few lines... and the sinner's portrait. =
On the basis of Picasso's drawing, the police then arrested a mother superior, the Minister of Finance, a washing machine and the Eiffel Tower.

Rosie Perera with:
"There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself." (Johann Sebastian Bach) =
Hah, hah! Brilliant! That's easy for that benign bright talented musician to say. But get some jerk to strike his piano at random, then see. Then it's hell.

Rosie Perera with:
Some definitions related to the relationship between the sexes

Adie Pena with:
1. Meyran Kraus
2. Tony Crafter
3. Andrew Brehaut
4. David Bourke
5. Ellie Dent
6. Rick Rothstein
7. Adie Pena
8. Rosie Perera
9. Scott Gardner
10. Chris Sturdy

=

Hurray! The Top Ten Rankings
1. Incomparable
2. Celebrated Dad
3. Renowned
4. Freaky drunk
5. Reserved
6. Historic
7. Idiotic; Arty
8. Star
9. Sure
10. Treasure

Dharam Khalsa with:
Two divorcee women were enjoying a leisurely Saturday stroll with their dogs. One was walking a Doberman Pinscher on a leash, and the other a tiny Chihuahua. As they sauntered down to Elm Street, the Doberman owner said to her companion, "Gee, I have an idea. See that bar? Let's go over and sit down--I could use a drink."

The woman with the tiny Chihuahua said, "I doubt we can get in. Remember, our dogs are with us."

The woman with the Doberman winked at her friend and giggled, "Hush! Go watch me and then follow my cue."

They crossed traffic to the bar and the woman with the Doberman brought a pair of dark-hued Vogue eyeglasses out of a case, put on the disguise, and walked toward the bar.

The hotheaded man outside the door caught her sleeve and fumed, "Hey! Hey, Lady, heed the sign! I allow no pets!"

The lady with the Doberman Pinscher huffed, "Can't you see I'm blind? This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
~
The bouncer retorted, "Ma'am, I've never seen a Doberman Pinscher as a Seeing-Eye dog!"

The woman said, "Oh yes, we're using a few of them now. They're really very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, simmer down. Come on in, but your friend will have to wait outside."

The woman with the little Chihuahua wondered if telling the bouncer her dog was also a Seeing-Eye dog might be too far fetched, but as she did yet want her drink, thought "Oh well, what the heck" and decided she would try it. So wrestling a pair of darker glasses out of her handbag, she put them on and started up the walkway toward the entrance with the Chihuahua dog in hand.

Just as before, the bouncer snorted, "Lady, we don't allow pets inside the bar!"

The woman said, "Sir, you don't understand. I am blind and this is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The macho doorman said, "That Chihuahua?! A Seeing-Eye dog?!?"

The woman replied, "Damn! They gave me a Chihuahua???!!"

Don Rogers with:
Hillary Clinton visits her doctor. He tells her that, most surprisingly, she is pregnant. Wigging out, she gets on the cell to forward the dire news to her husband. "Bill, you slimeball jerkwad -- you self-centered Arkansas oaf!"

"You told me I wouldn't get pregnant -- again. I TOLD you to wear protection, but AGAIN -- No ma'am! Mind now, what am I supposed to do about it? I need to know! I have a fine career, can't you see that?"

=

Bill Clinton drawls cooingly, "Lawd, anger! I hear you're sore at poopsie-pie, but it can't be so terrible bad."

"Come on, darling," he argues, "you and me, we're goin' to put our two old heads together till we can figure everything out. Love, I make loads with speeches, my foundations and whatnot. Hon, let's us just calm down, think things rationally, and take the road one step at a time."

"First things first. What's your name?"

Dharam Khalsa with:
A blonde calls up her tall husband at the office one day and asks him, "Honey, can you help me first thing when you get home?"

"Sure," he says, "But what is the problem?"

The blonde cries, "Well, I started this really hard puzzle and it's a hodgepodge. I can't even find the edge pieces!"

He says sensibly, "I'd suggest you look at the box. Is there not a label or picture on the front that shows what the puzzle is?"

"I see it. It's a big rooster," the blonde responds.

The husband has a long hard day. Finally reaching home, he parks the car and gets out. Hungrily, he walks over to the house, proceeds to unlock and open the door, to find a mess inside and his stressed blonde wife still huddled over her project sulking.

The man says "Okay, Honey, put the corn flakes back in the box."

=

A dizzy blonde suspects her boyfriend has been cheating on her, so she schemes to go buy herself an illegal gun at a shady pawnshop, thanks to the crooked storekeeper.

Hurriedly she climbs the steps to the high fifth floor Manhattan studio apartment and turns the doorknob unexpectedly. What does she see, but her oblivious lover in the arms of a dazzling redhead! Well, the blonde is really angry. She unclasps her purse to take out the hidden gun. As she opens it, she is practically overcome by woe and grief. Shakily leaning aside against a wall, she decides to kill herself dead. So she whips out the gun, placing it solidly to her own head.

The boyfriend, taken aback, objects, "Hey, don't! Don't do it!"

The blonde shouts at him, "Shut up, you're next!!"

Neil Ramsay with:
Dr Evil

The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin?

My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery.

My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet.

My father would womanise, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy.

The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament.

My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really.

At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles.

There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it

=

George Bush

The tale of my life is somewhat bittersweet.

Father is a wealthy, petty, redneck oil-tycoon statesman from Massachusetts with neglectful megalomania and a habit of bullshitting.

Mummy is Barbara; the dull, sweet, gentle spaniel-loving housewife from Queens.

Father would warmonger, he would engage in lengthy, lawless bloodshed. He would make unwelcome, overzealous statements like his CIA background would help make him a better president. He once belittled broccoli for making him queasy.

The everyday, petty, weary absurdity that politicians prefer and voters resent.

My early life was conventional. Studies in Yale and Harvard, meagre military service, drink driving charges, unseemly greed for oil.

In Florida, we would cheat during presidential elections.
In my fifties, using others, we unleashed my own, new, rotten war.

There really is nothing as phenomenal as the petty, gutless massacre of heathen Iraqis.. honestly, it's amazing.

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
Strangers in the Night

2nd - Adie Pena with:
The Elephant / The Donkey

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
THE POPE AND THE RABBI

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a great outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that his adversary was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

"Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

"I pulled out the wine and water to show that God absolves us from all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

"He bested me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue," the rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

"Then he told me that all the country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

=

THE POPE AND FRANK PERDUE

Frank Perdue went to meet the Pope for an audience, and while having the papal blessing bestowed upon him, he whispered, "Oh, Your Eminence, just between we two, do I have a whoopee deal for you! If you just change the words to The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread...' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...' we'll donate five hundred thousand dollars to the Church! Phenomenal, eh?"

The Pope replied, "That is indeed generous, but impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and that may not be changed. The matter is not negotiable".

"Ok then," rejoined Frank, "We do appreciate the position, so we are prepared to donate a mammoth one million dollars to the Church if you change the words to The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread...' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...'"

Again the Pope admitted, "That is most benevolent. However, The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and must not be changed".

"Ooh, but Your Eminence! Just between us - I bet it's a temptation!" heehawed Frank, jabbing the air. "Ok - how about a billion! Admit it, that is a good bid! It's the highest we can go."

The Pope smiled as he stated, "Just between us, I have to repeat that the matter is not negotiable. Oh, I heed not the heathen money. Keep it! The Faith shall withstand the highest temptation."

Frank's jaw dropped, and he appealed to the Pope, "Oh, no, we are not heathens! To prove it, we will donate a phenomenal five billion dollars if you will change the words to the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread...' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...' That is as high as we go. I'll await the papal decision." With that, he bowed and withdrew from the chamber.

The next day the Pope met with the College of Cardinals. "I have some good news, and I have some bad news," he told them. "The good news is that the Church has just been donated five billion dollars ..."

There was a heated babbling from the Cardinals. "Then, what is the bad news?" one of them entreated.

The bad news," replied the Pope, "is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account"

Adie Pena with:
MacArthur Park

View with:
The House of the Rising Sun

The Anagrammy Awards

MAY 2008 NOMINATIONS

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

THE LONG CATEGORY

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

THE RUDE CATEGORY