JULY 2000 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2000

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st - Tom Myers with:
Famous traditional southern wedding march =
A dirt farmer with a loaded shotgun 'n' no music.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
E-mail Address =
Dread Melissa!

3rd - John Fidler with:
Do not disturb =
Odd to burst in?

Wayne Baisley with:
Schadenfreude =
Such a defender!

Larry Brash with:
Mother's cooking =
Something crook.

Art Day with:
Nostalgia trip =
Go in past trail.

Jon Gearhart with:
An old attache case =
Once a data satchel.

Richard Grantham with:
Platitudes =
Stupid tale.

Richard Grantham with:
This nuclear warhead =
Dare we launch it? Rash...

Richard Grantham with:
Bottle of tomato sauce =
Belt. O! Came out too fast!

Richard Grantham with:
Mother's Cooking =
Minors get chook.

Jaybur with:
Sugarless diet =
Teased us girls.

Jaybur with:
Special Offer! =
Off Sale Price!

Earle Jones with:
Till death do us part =
Old trash platitude.

Meyran Kraus with:
Infection? =
Confine it.

Meyran Kraus with:
French Cooking =
Chicken? No, frog!

Janet Muggeridge with:
The first-aid recovery position =
I verify isn't a corpse, do it to her.

Janet Muggeridge with:
Large birthday cake =
Bake, carry a delight.

Tom Myers with:
Speed of light broken =
Proof the geek's blind!

Martin Rand with:
alt.anagrams.ethics.vegetarian =
Eat cats, animal trash? "Never!" I gag...

Mick Tully with:
Epicurean delights =
It's a pedigree lunch.

Mick Tully with:
Three sheets to the wind =
The twit here, he's stoned!

Mick Tully with:
alt.anarchism =
Alarmin' chats.

Mick Tully with:
alt.english.usage =
The lingual sages.

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Mel Gibson, "The Patriot" =
He is promoting battle!

2nd - Mick Tully with:
Last of the Mohicans =
Mash a lot of ethnics.

3rd - Tom Myers with:
Pamplona's "the running of the bulls" =
Gamble on horns? Painful stunt. Help!

Wayne Baisley with:
Bob's Party Time Lounge =
'Bibo ergo sum', patently.

Wayne Baisley with:
Frampton Comes Alive =
Elvis: Cream of Tampon

David Bourke with:
The Police: Sting (Gordon Sumner), Andy Summers and Stewart Copeland =
Newcastle screen man (top plod), shy guitar nerd, and some git on drums.

David Bourke with:
Marcus Trescothick =
Such a cricket storm.

David Bourke with:
Frampton Comes Alive =
Mean voice/platforms.

Ernesto Guiraldes with:
The London Lesbian & Gay Film Festival =
Fans loathing bland lifestyle movie.

Ernesto Guiraldes with:
The Canadian film industry =
Fantasy land, rich in tedium.

Jaybur with:
Big Momma's House =
Mom's bogus: I'm a he.

Jaybur with:
Pierce Brosnan: The World Is Not Enough =
Phew! - See action hero Bond girls turn-on.

Jaybur with:
Enid Blyton's Secret Seven: Peter, Jack, Barbara, George, Pam, Colin and Janet =
A brave band's jolly japes: Come on kids! Neat tent caper 'n' ginger beer crate!

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Richard Grantham with:
Billions are to be paid out to the victims of lung and throat cancer =
Liable to ruin the five tobacco drug companies that lost? No, darn it!

2nd - Tom Myers with:
Riots protest the Peruvian Presidential Inauguration =
It irritates Peru as earlier voting is not on the up-and-up.

3rd - Dan Fortier with:
A Concorde crashes while taking off in Paris =
Plane ages: now has risk of horrific accident?

David Bourke with:
'Pistol' Pete Sampras =
Master applies stop.

Chris Bradfield with:
A Concorde has flown into the ground =
And now configured to crash on hotel.

Larry Brash with:
British Prime minister's son, Euan Blair =
I'm a brat on the piss. Rebel? I'm in ruins, sir.

Richard Grantham with:
Mandatory sentencing =
Innocent man's tragedy.

Ernesto Guiraldes with:
The Camp David meeting =
Peace advent might dim.

Jaybur with:
Mr Andre Agassi =
A dream's in rags.

Jaybur with:
Bond star Sean Connery is knighted =
Yon ardent Scot, bending: shaken, Sir?

Jaybur with:
Betty Boothroyd =
Oh, body, totter by!

Jaybur with:
Miss Betty Boothroyd is to retire =
I'm Bossy Boots: I order, they titter.

Meyran Kraus with:
Air France Concorde crashed into hotel in Gonesse outside Paris, no survivors =
A horrid, vicious accident, so coroners found no passengers alive in the resort.

Janet Muggeridge with:
The world's first Gossip Festival - it is being held at Waterford city, Southern Ireland =
"Psst, hear Irish word?"
"I did, to be sure - news travels fast if idly chatting. I forget - tell on!"

Janet Muggeridge with:
Euan Blair was arrested in London's Leicester Square for being 'drunk and incapable' =
Ruler's brat tells police enquirer a fake age and coined an address. Rub sin in - ban now!

Tom Myers with:
The Roskilde Festival Pearl Jam Concert in Denmark =
Jerks race machinelike to front and trampled lives.

Tom Myers with:
Eight dead three hurt in Roskilde Festival's Pearl Jam Concert =
No talent there! Depraved jerks' alleged music is that horrific.

Tom Myers with:
Starr Spokesman Charged with Leaks =
Inept talk -- "Has orgasm! Wreck dress. Ah!"

Tom Myers with:
Philadelphia's police forces investigated =
See cops in video hit lad. Help pigs face trial.

Tom Myers with:
Jury panel awards one hundred forty-five billion dollars =
Jaws really drop! End of an evil, horrible and foul industry!

Tom Myers with:
World Diamond Congress forms ethical guidelines =
I decline gems sold for guns. Halt sordid war income.

THE RUDE CATEGORY

1st - William Tunstall-Pedoe with:
Simultaneous Orgasm =
Rogue aims: slut moans.

2nd - Richard Grantham with:
Heterosexual =
Use extra hole?

eq.3rd - Dan Fortier with:
All tastes and vices catered =
Salted anal crevices tasted.

eq.3rd - Mick Tully with:
She was only a welder's daughter, but she had acetylene tits =
Laud that cutey! Yet, has she gas in her well-endowed breasts?

David Bourke with:
A thrush infection? =
Tuna fish? No! I retch!

David Bourke with:
Marie Stopes =
So, tie a sperm.

Jon Gearhart with:
Misunderstanding =
Nudist man's 'dinger'.

Meyran Kraus with:
An Incestuous Relationship =
Auntie's lesson? Oh, I rip a cunt!

Tom Myers with:
Meg Ryan seen with and photographed with actor Russell Crowe =
He's glad he ate her (Gladiator). Why? Now screw on cunt, sperm to rip!

Tom Myers with:
The five senses =
Seven fetishes.

Graham Perkins with:
Penis unbending operation =
I snip open a bent urine-dong.

Mick Tully with:
Why did the chicken cross the road? =
The cock crowed: "It's hard, dishy hen!"

THE SPAM CATEGORY

1st - Larry Brash with:
A hidden camera follows the prom queen and her date back to their motel room. You get to see it all! =
ALERT!! (Read me!):
Abandon hope all ye who enter here! It's rot, a load of old shit etc! Get me out quick, Mom!

2nd - Martin Rand with:
Dear: Friend
Viagra for women???
http://www.castlebound.com/love/index.htm
=
Worn-out vagina???
Oh, darn!
Comic relief at:
http://www.fondled-sex-member/vd

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
No competition, no inventory, no product hassles. =
No spam, no loony idiots, no 'Nice Hot Cunt' perverts.

Dan Fortier with:
Boost Profits =
For S.O.B.: stop it!

Janet Muggeridge with:
http://members.tripod.com.co/steam =
Spam merited retch, compost, tomb.

THE LONG SPAM CATEGORY

1st - Richard Grantham with:
---DIRECTIONS---FOR HOW TO POST TO NEWSGROUPS---

2nd - Larry Brash with:
20 YEAR OLD HEALTH, NUTRITION AND WEIGHT LOSS CONTROL COMPANY IS LOOKING FOR 500 PEOPLE FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD WHO WILL GET PAID $$$ TO LOSE UP TO 30 POUNDS IN THE NEXT 30 DAYS, GUARANTEED!!!

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WE OFFER FREE SAMPLES!!

=

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TRY REGULAR EXERCISE. AVOID FATTY FOOD. ADHERE TO THE NO-ALCOHOL, NO-DOPE, LOW-LARD RULE.

URL: WWW.END-PULLER.NET

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:

"Smooth," Santana Featuring Rob Thomas "Back At One," Brian McKnight "I Wanna Love You Forever," Jessica Simpson "I Knew I Loved You," Savage Garden "My Love Is Your Love," Whitney Houston "I Need To Know," Marc Anthony "U Know What's Up," Donell Jones "Waiting For Tonight," Jennifer Lopez "Hot Boyz," Missy Elliott "24/7," Kevon Edmonds "Bring It All To Me," Blaque "Steal My Sunshine," Len "Mambo No. 5 (A Little Bit Of...)," Lou Bega "Girl On TV," LFO "Unpretty," TLC "Then The Morning Comes," Smash Mouth "Where My Girls At?," 702 "What A Girl Wants," Christina Aguilera "Satisfy You," Puff Daddy "Get Gone," Ideal "4, 5, 6," Sole Featuring JT Money & Kandi "Meet Virginia," Train "Someday," Sugar Ray "Back That Thang Up," Juvenile "Learn To Fly," Foo Fighters "15 Minutes," Marc Nelson "Breathe" Faith Hill "Blue (Da Ba Dee)," Eiffel 65 "He Didn't Have To Be," Brad Paisley "When I Said I Do," Clint Black "He Can't Love U," Jagged Edge "Black Balloon," Goo Goo Dolls "That's The Way It Is" Celine Dion "Hanginaround" Counting Crows "(You Drive Me) Crazy," Britney Spears "Got Your Money" Ol' Dirty Bastard "Get It On Tonite," Montell Jorden "Shake Your Bon-Bon," Ricky Martin "Stay The Night," IMx "Heartbreaker," Mariah Carey "If You Love Me," Mint Condition "Will 2K," Will Smith Featuring K-Ci "She's So High," Tal Bachman "Genie In A Bottle," Christina Aguilera "Dancin'," Guy "Scar Tissue," Red Hot Chili Peppers "Got To Get It'," Sisqo "I Love You," Martina McBride "You Can Do It'," Ice Cube

=

"Mooch," Wantanal Featuring Rob Toomuch "Suck A Twat," Braindead McShite "I'm Gonna Tear You A New One," J-Succa Pimp's-Bone "Kneel And Suck It," Hava Hardon "My Wish Is Your Death," Whitey Youstiff "I Love To Blow," My Mouthonit "You Know You're Crap," Dontsell Jobs "Wanna Pick A Fight?," Jennifer No-Turds "Sex Toyz," Pissy Idiot "555-6247," I've-No Bedmates "Send Some Green To Me," Bollocks "Steal My Money," Leech "My Bone Is A Size 2 (A Little Bit-Off...)," I Beg-Ya "Perv On LSD," FOOL "Damn Shitty," SOB "When The Horny Cum," Smash Teeth "Where My Dollars At?," $0.7 "Watch A Girl's Twat," Clitina Sluttiera "Putrefy, Goon," Tough Noodle "Get Lost," Mydear "I Can't Count," R. Dole Featuring BS Ninny & Randi "Neat Virgin," Trash "I Nag," Hugo Fry "Bang That Hard, Nun," Evilguy "Learn To Lie," Roo Eaters "16 Muggers," Dark Hell-Son "Heave It," I Kill "Bull (Ba Da Bing)," IQ-25 "He Didn't Have To Be A Slime," Lad Miserable "Then I Go To A Loo," Cling Fuck "I Can Enslave You," JJ Fee "E-mail Goon," Go To Hell "Road To Oblivion," Hellin Neon "Hangingaghoul," Aging Crooks "(I Want Your) Spammer Meat," Beteeny Spreads ***not changed...*** "I Have HIV," Injail Jizm "I've A Con Con," Icky Virgin "Buy It Now," I-MF "Fartmaker," Myrearis Hairy "Then I Strangle You," Git-Convention "Lie 4 K's," Bite Me Featuring Fa-Q "I'm So Low," Pal Beatme "Finger In My Butthole," Clitina Sluttiera "Rancid," Boy "Thirty Cuts," Go Rot Silly Leper "Got To Send Shit," Sicko "Get Shot And Die," Tartina Backride "Huge Darn Idiot," Arse Lube

Jon Gearhart with:
Great search engine page!
I found a great search engine page that simultaneously sends queries to 10 popular search engines and returns the results in separate windows.
check it out!
http://searcheverything.netfirms.com

=

Fucking dipshit queer!
What he found here's one practice getting an account closed--simultaneously posting us these trashy phrases in 10 thousand serene places.

http://i'm_a_green-ass-reaming_tree-ranger.great_rear_view.net

Martin Rand with:
get your tobacco at half price or less
offer only valid for the United Kingdom:
*********************************************

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If the faxnumber is engaged fax us at 00 31 20 5248335, 00 358 925360058 or 00 1 413 383 2550 for full information.

Best and thanks,
Alex

=

Bronchitis, emphysema, cancer - with little or no striving

Not only that, but giddiness, shakes, loss of sex urge, piss-poor recall...

Terrific tax breaks on the execrable leaf - for instance: Foulcroak, Humbug and Throttler, Superhawkings, at £845,334,341,900,000.99 per cig.

Only prepaid orders accepted - to guard us against your sudden death, Joe.

Consider - not only you can play, but your family can revel in extreme suffering, too!

Insurance, if parts fail? Hell and darn, no probs - 1/253rd of income guaranteed for only £845,033,480,302,312,020, 383,255,003,131,585,365,800 p.a, from brokers Lixpittle and Toffshit!

Tobacco, antisocial?
- Bigot!
- Fat twit!!
- Traitor!!!

Martin Rand with:
Submit To Over 1.4 MILLION PLACES

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You can now submit your seb site to over 1.4 MILLION places on the Internet and reach over 1,000,000 people with your email message SPAM FREE! Take a look at:
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Pick up your FREE E-Book for visiting.
***********************************************************
You will only receive this message once. The list your address was on was advertised as an opt-in email list. If this is incorrect, let us know. We will ensure you are removed. Our intention is not to intrude, annoy, or burden anyone. Thank you.

=

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CORRECT - OVER 1.4 TRILLION!

Run up now - submit yourselves to 1.4 TRILLION incisions in our spam factory, FREE! Help feed protein to 1,000,000 poor able seamen, villains, loners and non-winners. Peek in at:
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Take a visit soon.
********************************
You will not see this twice. You have shown yourselves to be weak-willed ape-sucking girlies. If you disagree, don't bother us. You will be terminated, anyway. Our aim is not to inform, entertain or move you. Fuck you.

Martin Rand with:
EARN OVER $5,000/WK - FREE 32 PG BO

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=

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For more obloquy, go to:
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THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Richard Grantham with:
ANAGRAMS
Sleep Deprivation

The Task
Our experiment was tested before Sleep Deprivation and after. Our test involved anagrams. There were 10 anagrams each 4 letters long that the subjects had to solve. The subjects were given one anagram and one plain sheet of paper at a time.
Once the anagram and paper were given to the subject, they had a maximum of 30 seconds to complete each anagram.
If the anagram was completed within the 30 second time limit, the time was recorded in a table. If the anagram was not completed in the 30 second time limit, not solved was written in the table. This was treated as 30 seconds. The average time taken for each subject before and after sleep deprivation was recorded.

The Result
The average time taken to solve the anagrams was 7.26 seconds before sleep deprivation and 6.5 seconds after. This difference is not significant.

Research conducted by Leanne Day, Julia Scott and Laura Hughes.

=

SLEEP DEPRIVATION
Anagrams

The Stated Aim
An experiment was devised to investigate a potential correlation between the compulsive creation of new anagrams and utter chronic sleep deprivation.
A subject gave himself three new 300-360 letter rude spamagrams to start and complete each night for fifteen weeks. Every second night he also had an estimated three to five hours of fantastic heated sex. We came and recorded the precise sleeping patterns in fine detail.
A control was given a nice sedate massage and a sweet romance novel, and made to lie down and get some sleep.

The Stated Result
The average (mean) time of the subject nodding off was 10:02 pm before these anagrams, 4:37 am after.
It is conceivable that this 6:35 adjournment could perhaps in part be attributable to anagrams. The subject, alas, doesn't see it like that.

Research conducted by Richard James Grantham and several others who know who they are.

2nd - Dan Fortier with:
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
=
Here the patriots had wanted to be quite clear as to why they can no longer remain British peers, but instead must end that life by revolt: We share faith that elected rule helped ensure all attain higher fate.

3rd - Janet Muggeridge with:
Her Majesty's Government says it is about to seek German recruits for the United Kingdom's Special Air Service. =
Regiment is so reduced I've Krauts in Tommy's military forces. Be so perverse, ja? Nein, it's "hostage-takers, achtung!"

David Bourke with:
Little Miss Bossy
Little Miss Busy
Little Miss Chatterbox
Little Miss Curious
Little Miss Fickle
Little Miss Giggles
Little Miss Greedy
Little Miss Helpful
Little Miss Late
Little Miss Lucky
Little Miss Magic
Little Miss Naughty
Little Miss Neat
Little Miss Quick
Little Miss Scatterbrain
Little Miss Shy
Little Miss Somersault
Little Miss Splendid
Little Miss Star
Little Miss Stubborn
Little Miss Sunshine
Little Miss Tiny
Little Miss Trouble
Little Miss Twins
Little Miss Wise
=
Little Miss Tart
Little Miss Glorious Cunt
Little Miss Diesel Dyke
Little Miss Quim
Little Miss Sexy
Little Miss Busty
Little Miss Born-To-Fuck
Little Miss Nubile
Little Miss Lesbian
Little Miss Slag
Little Miss "Shan't!"
Little Miss Lacy Suspenders
Little Miss Tinytits
Little Miss Wobbly
Little Miss Licker
Little Miss Great Arse
Little Miss Lust
Little Miss Gay
Little Miss Nice Fig
Little Miss Whore
Little Miss Curse
Little Miss P.M.T.
Little Miss Bush
Little Miss Tush
Little Miss Aching

David Bourke with:
Mr Strong
Mr Fussy
Mr Jelly
Mr Daydream
Mr Lazy
Mr Impossible
Mr Noisy
Mr Chatterbox
Mr Mean
Mr Happy
Mr Uppity
Mr Small
Mr Funny
Mr Bounce
Mr Sneeze
Mr Tickle
Mr Forgetful
Mr Greedy
Mr Silly
Mr Bump
Mr Dizzy
Mr Snow
Mr Muddle
Mr Mischief
Mr Worry
Mr Skinny
Mr Wrong
Mr Messy
Mr Tall
Mr Nosey
Mr Topsy-Turvy
Mr Rush
Mr Quiet
Mr Busy
Mr Slow
Mr Clever
Mr Nonsense
Mr Clumsy
Mr Grumpy
Little Miss Bossy
Little Miss Busy
Little Miss Chatterbox
Little Miss Curious
Little Miss Fickle
Little Miss Giggles
Little Miss Greedy
Little Miss Helpful
Little Miss Late
Little Miss Lucky
Little Miss Magic
Little Miss Naughty
Little Miss Neat
Little Miss Quick
Little Miss Scatterbrain
Little Miss Shy
Little Miss Somersault
Little Miss Splendid
Little Miss Star
Little Miss Stubborn
Little Miss Sunshine
Little Miss Tiny
Little Miss Trouble
Little Miss Twins
Little Miss Wise
=
Mr Slimy Little Piss. "Sissy? I'm no limp sissy!" (D.S. Bourke)
Mr Big Boss McPommy (L. Brash)
Mr Brodie
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm! Yummy Yummy Little Miss Burholt
Mr Quite Sinister Species Crisis (Burning Elk)
Sassy Little Miss Cohen
Little Mr Day
Mr Missing-List Etter (Some loss...we'll miss him)
Little Mr Fortier vs. Miss Foxy Little Filly Fortier
Pretty Little Miss L. Garrett
Mr Little-Wins-Wiz Gearhart
Mr "Noms! Noms!" Grantham
Little Snr. Guiraldes
Scuzzy Little Mr Hale
Scummy Little Mr Jones
Little Mr 'Sums, sums, sums, sums!' (M. Keith)
Little Mr M. Kraus
Little Mr Twist-Letter-Man
Little Mr Linabury
Curvy Little Miss Muggeridge
Little Mr Mystery-Bugfix Myers
Little Mr Nolen Sisters
Little Mr Narcissus Peers
Little Mr Perkins
Little Mr Moneybills (M. Rand)
Little Mr Music CD/LP's Business (L. Richards)
Mr Sly Sensi-Spliffs (C. Stoner)
Mr Squirty-Zits Smelly-Bits (M. Tully)
Mr Mystic Willy (W. Tunstall-Pedoe)

Larry Brash with:
"Beer Is Proof That God Loves Us And Wants Us To Be Happy" =
Bow. Bootstraps up. Lets get pissed and have fun. Hooray!!

Larry Brash with:
Tourette's Disorder which is a syndrome of multiple motor tics and coprolalia =
Horrific! My muscles are not competent. SHIT! I also swear a lot! Lord, I did drop out.

Jon Gearhart with:
In life he was a living legend; in death nothing has changed =
He died as he lived: with no giant, gleaning, enhancing flash.

Richard Grantham with:
PHARMACY MEDICINE
Keep out of reach of children
=
"Come and look up here, imp - FREE CANDY!"
I fetch chair!

Jaybur with:
Tinker
Tailor
Soldier
Sailor
Rich man
Poor man
Beggarman
Thief
=
Thinker
Mailer
Doc or
Bailor
Impels in
Short, to
An Anagram:
Grief!

Janet Muggeridge with:
trial message from a lousy server - YOUR POSTING WORKED! =
Ernesto Guiraldes, my love, kiss your software program.

Janet Muggeridge with:
Symantec's Norton Anti-virus Two Thousand Version Six boasts "automatic internet and e-mail protection with easy updating" =
It ain't. Attain an abomination, it corrupts and shuts down your computer system, losing data. Avow the service is non-existent.

Martin Rand with: [The works of D.H. Lawrence]
A Modern Lover
Aaron's Rod
Assorted Articles
England, My England
Kangaroo
Lady Chatterley's Lover
Love Among the Haystacks
Mornings in Mexico
Sea and Sardinia
Sons and Lovers
St. Mawr
The Boy in the Bush
The Ladybird
The Lost Girl
The Lovely Lady
The Man Who Died
The Plumed Serpent
The Prussian Officer
The Rainbow
The Virgin and the Gipsy
The White Peacock
The Trespasser
The Woman Who Rode Away
Twilight in Italy
Women in Love

=

A Right Goer
Hair on His Rod
Sordid Testicles
Ingrid, My Ingrid
Lava Lamp Love
Roy Hattersley's Roger
Hell Among the Rent Boys
Fondling in Waitrose
Sex and Sangria
Scum and Ravers
Cry "More!!"
The Nose in the Bush
The Gaolbait
Lewd Cow
The Lacy Panties
Even Wave at Hymen
The Phallic Stand-in
The Well-worn Vulva
The Dildo
The Aberrant Female
The Wee Manky Dick
The Piss-artist
The Woman Who Rode On Top
Ass-play and Sodomy
Donkeys On Heat

Mick Tully with:
Braddock: "Mr Churchill, you are drunk."
Churchill: "And you madam, are ugly. But I shall be sober tomorrow."
=
Humdrum hag: "Dull, alcoholic. Hard insult's a cracker!"
Mr Leader: "On your broom, you blubbery dark witch!"

THE PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Richard Grantham with:
The Israeli general, Moshe Dayan =
Hail, great hairless one-eyed man!

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Mary Magdalene =
Legendary ma'am.

eq.3rd - David Bourke with:
Pete Townshend, Roger Daltrey, John Entwistle and Keith Moon =
Note: The Who... nosy wonder, little gent, Spiderman, and The Joker.

eq.3rd - Ernesto Guiraldes with:
Actor Walter Matthau dies =
A star with a moderate cult.

eq.3rd - Mick Tully with:
David Michael Iwansky =
I am devilish and wacky.

David Bourke with:
Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon =
Bone-lazy bowel shite.

David Bourke with:
Miss Linda Catherine Garrett =
Grantham inside? It's real cert!

David Bourke with:
Catherine of Aragon, Anne Boleyn, Jane Seymour, Anne of Cleves, Catherine Howard and Catherine Parr =
A-wed a randy Henry the Eighth. Never one ran. (A real error, as one can just lop off a bonce). A nice, nice man!

David Bourke with:
Robert Nesta Marley =
Rasta belter? Yer mon!

Richard Grantham with:
Moshe Dayan =
He's a dynamo.

Jaybur with:
The two Williams sisters =
Wow! I list title smashers!

Jaybur with:
Tennis star Venus =
Serve instant sun.

Jaybur with:
The actor Sir Sean Connery =
Stern hairy Scot: an encore!

Jaybur with:
W.H. Auden =
Wed a Hun.

Jaybur with:
Actor Sean Connery =
O, canny Scot earner!

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - David Bourke with:
Want cleaner bowels? =
Newcastle Brown Ale.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Victoria's Secret Catalogue =
Cool, cause I crave great tits.

3rd - Mick Tully with:
Cambridge University =
I'm studying beer, vicar!

Richard Grantham with:
Deutsche Grammophon =
Top German CD house, hm?

Richard Grantham with: [A CD label]
Auvidis Montaigne =
Imaginative sound!

Husband and Wife with:
Guinness for great taste =
Fourteen saints stagger.

Graham Perkins with:
Bottle of Piriton Syrup =
Oil for upper snotty bit!

Mick Tully with:
Theakston's Old Peculier =
Tunstall-Pedoe? Sick hero...

THE ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Victoria's Secret Catalogue =
Got actual erotica services.
Cool, cause I crave great tits.
Our static, erotic cleavages.
It's our erotic cleavages act.
Covet a girl: "A cute, erotic ass!"

eq.2nd - David Bourke with:
The State of Israel =
Settle of this area.
Felt haste to arise.
Fate: It loses earth.
Tolerate safe hits?
Soft, eh? Retaliates!
State Hitler as foe.

eq.2nd - Janet Muggeridge with:
Golden Wedding Anniversary =
Grand loving years end wined.
Goldy award dinner's evening.
And now reliving dad's energy.
Worn diary gladdens evening.
Dad's in revel and now greying.

Wayne Baisley with:
Ultimate Darkforces twothousand Diablo =
Blood, sweat, tears, and hard luck? I'm out of it.
Darth Sidious Duckman: Battle of Loo-water.
Don't talk to me about life, sourish crawdad.
Football stadium. Erik Estrada. Touchdown!
Without a trace of bloodstained mudlarks.

Larry Brash with:
David Michael Iwansky =
I am devilish and wacky.
I am wild, sick and heavy.
Manic, weak, shady, livid.
Win my saliva, Dickhead!
Vanish? I'm a wicked lady.
Wild maniac kids? Heavy!

Richard Brodie with:
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire =
Offer rather potent light, dear boy.
The boy nerd plot - Rare gift of heart.
Bright pot therefore for neat lady.
Talented, poor, bright. Hearty offer!

Ernesto Guiraldes with:
A Former Coca Cola executive wins the election =
Vicente Fox won crucial race. Chose elite team. O!
Mexico's electorate face a new, chic revolution.

Ernesto Guiraldes with:
The Canadian film industry =
Fantasy land, rich in tedium.
Defiantly humanist, rancid.
Funnily staid ethnic drama.
Handmade, funnily artistic.
Dainty sinful ethnic drama.
Find any theatrical nudism!
A financed industrial myth.

Ernesto Guiraldes with:
Ernesto Rafael Guiraldes =
Genitals released a furor.
Alister Reed, Earl of Angus.
Fred Astaire allure's gone.
Our elegant, salaried serf.

Janet Muggeridge with:
Emergency first-aid - let's learn it! =
Safe strategy medicine till nr. E.R.
Let's certainly regret if man dies.
Alas, terrific remedy isn't gentle.
Regenerate - try lint if mild cases.
If tender, merrily set leg in a cast.

Janet Muggeridge with:
Score of a motion picture =
Cute composition for ear.
Four optimise a concerto.
Form Opus to nice erotica.
I form a concert suite - poo!
Auto-erotic? F minor copes.
Music fee to corporation.
Poor music fee? Rot! Action!

William Tunstall-Pedoe with:
Theakston's Old Peculier =
Ole! Drink cutest, posh ale.
Sip keen, trusted alcohol.
Cool ale. The drink upsets.

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Richard Grantham with:
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied:

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

= "Now I could drop it off the top of the skyscraper, measuring the precise time (t) 'til it takes to land. Height can then be ascertained using the nice tenet: H = half g x t squared. Sweet formula - even if a bit rough on my poor, dinted, now forever rooted barometer, though. Not too great." = "Or even measure off the length of barometer and of the short shadow when put erect, and the length of skyscraper shadow. Cite simple proportional arithmetic - height can quite easily be gotten out. Trite and/or kind of inexact, true, but good for me (I tend to get vertiginous)." = "You tie a short string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum - both at the ground level and on top of the skyscraper. The exact height can be deduced from the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = two pi times the square root of g to the power of minus one." = "More trite: if our skyscraper has a fire escape, first wander up to the top while measuring the building in precise barometer lengths. Then add them together to get a height. Not exactly too quick or fluent, however good and effective. (But to do that on and on... no, it's not for me!)" = "Now to be quite perfectly orthodox, of course, one might use a barometer to determine the air pressure up at the top of that skyscraper and then down at ground level, converting that difference in millibars into feet to get a height. And oh God how fucking tiresome that is." = "Exercising true independence of mind, though, might be to thump on the stout door of the poor fat caretakers to ask the direct, level question: 'Want to own a decent barometer? For I can give away this one for starters - after you tell me the proper height of this dang building!'"

The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel Prize for Physics.

2nd - Linda Garrett with:
Tiger! Tiger! Burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
-- William Blake
=
Fluffy Bunny! Roasting bright
Who the hell set him alight?
Did mere farmers aim to fry
Their carrot eating little guy?
-- Mr Bake Me Now

3rd - Tom Myers with:
A list of Dr Seuss books.

David Bourke with:
Masturbating = An arm tugs bit.
Pleasuring oneself = One sans-girl feel-up.
Manual stimulation = Um, lain no tail? A must!
Five against one = See no fit vagina?
Having one off the wrist = He hit on over-stiff wang.
Doing the Bologna Bop = One bad hot glop! Bingo!
To bash the bishop = Toss it, eh? B-Bop... ahh!
To spank the monkey = The men yank tops, OK?
To slap the salami = Is lotsa palm-heat.
Taking Captain Picard to warp speed =
"I'd a pop!" - A Star Trek endcap-wiping act!
Doing the Roman Helmet Rumba = The alone: Gone hard? Rub it - "Mmm!"
Giving Ronaldo a rubdown = Boring run. Own-goal, David!

David Bourke with:
Jabberwocky

Richard Brodie with:
Psalm 51

Jon Gearhart with:
Tiger! Tiger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
-- by William Blake
=
Moon! Moon! Flaming light
Beams fly by far tree in flight,
The beauty truly brought a sigh
HE made it ride; it lit the sky.
-- Mr. Warren F. R. Crew

Jon Gearhart with:
Tiger! Tiger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
-- William Blake
=
Lion! Lion! Mighty critter fly in
He'll take arm, hand; get feet, shin
What a bloody burger fit for him
BTW--My future seems grim...
-- Gearhart

Meyran Kraus with:
A Farewell by Coventry Patmore

Martin Rand with:
The End of the Episode

Martin Rand with:
An excerpt from The Garden by Andrew Marvell

THE AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY

This month's challenge was to anagram the first verse of William Blake's "Tiger! Tiger! burning bright" into a poem about a different animal.

1st - Martin Rand with:
Tiger! Tiger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
=
Gerbil! Gerbil! Toasty warm
On the filthy hamster farm,
Grind thy huge symmetric teeth
On fruit of fig (or underneath).

2nd - Larry Brash with:
Tiger! Tiger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
=
Big cat, might of Asian lair.
Big feet thud; they seem so rare.
Grrr! Men hunt now, grim, deft.
Hurry, only thirty of them left.

3rd - Linda Garrett with:
Tiger! Tiger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
=
Mister Bunny, flaming bright
What from God set thee alight?
In error, for this made (oh my!)
The lettuce-eating Furry fry.

Click here for the full list of nominations in this category.