Anagrammy Placings by nedesto
All the highly-placed anagrams by nedesto from the Anagrammy Awards.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, July 2011:
3rd - nedesto with:
President Barack Hussein Obama =
Subpoenas asked, "American birth?"
GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2011:
3rd - nedesto with:
Medical experimentation =
Examined mice to learn tip.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2011:
1st - nedesto with:
Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes =
Vexing quest coloured by dementia.
LONG CATEGORY, August 2011:
eq2nd - nedesto with:
"Well, Sister Anna, are you putting on weight?" asked Father David during a visit to the convent, seeing that her stomach was bulging.
"Why, no" she answered, "It's really just a bit of gas."
Three months later Father David put the question to her again, noticing her habit barely fit aross her belly now. =
"What? No, I just have the gas." said the big fat Sister Anna, quietly blushing.
On yet another visit to the nunnery somewhat later, Father David was going down the corridor when he passed Sister Anna wheeling a baby carriage.
Looking in, the thoughtful priest observed smartly, "Cute little fart!"
RUDE CATEGORY, August 2011:
2nd - nedesto with:
The Sun's Page Three Girl =
Gal preens her huge tits.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, September 2011:
2nd - nedesto with:
"Man would sooner have the void for his purpose than be void of purpose." - Nietzsche =
Fred theosophizes about the answer of unproved nihilism over unopposed havoc.
LONG CATEGORY, September 2011:
1st - nedesto with:
A woman awoke to find that her husband wasn't in their bed. She went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee, all deep in thought, staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his face and take another sip of his coffee.
"Coming down here now? It's midnight. What's the problem dear?" she asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you weren't even 16?" he asked.
"How I do." she said.
"And remember when your father found us, out in the back seat of my old Buick?"
"I do."
"And remember him shoving that shotgun right in front of my face and saying, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend the next 20 years in prison'?"
"I do", she replied.
He wiped another tear and said, "I would've gotten out today."
=
Chad was in a mess of man-trouble again. He had forgotten his 2nd wedding anniversary! His feared wife was inhumanly furious at him.
She irately fumed at him, threatening, "Okay you idiot! Tomorrow I want a fancy gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 120 in 6 seconds. May God mark my words: IT HAD BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning, he got up early and went to work. When his moody wife awoke, she peered out the window and Aha! discovered sure enough there was a small present which he had gift-wrapped in the middle of the street.
Abashed, the wife put on her robe, walked out to the street, and took the present back in the house.
Opening it up, she found a brand new bathroom scale.
Chad has been missing since Friday.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2011:
3rd - nedesto with:
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly clandestine positions are hard to fill, and then there's a lot of testing and background scrutiny involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks and the training and the testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to three: two males and one female, but there was only one position available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get to have the secretive job. The men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our orders whatever the circumstances," they calmly told him. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Now you must take the gun and kill her."
The man looked horrified and said, "No! You can't be serious!" "I wouldn't ever harm my dear wife!" he sobbed. "Well," said the tough CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for the job then. Now leave."
So then they brought the second man to the same door and handed him the gun. "We must know that you will follow our orders no matter what the circumstances." Then they told the second man, "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Now take the gun and kill her."
~
The second man looked very shocked and sick, but nevertheless took the gun and went armed into the room. All was silent for about five minutes. The door opened; the man came out of the room clenching his eyes in pain. Crying, he said. "I panicked. I tried to shoot twice, but I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I was never the man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have the icy nerves of a CIA agent. You can go home with your wife."
Now only the woman was left. The CIA guys led her to the same door and same room and handed her the gun. They said, "We must be sure you will follow every instruction no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun, go in, and kill him with it."
The woman took the gun, ran, and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for fifteen shots. All hell broke loose in the room. They heard manic screaming, clanking, and frantic banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went silent.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped sweat from her brow and ranted, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2011:
2nd - nedesto with:
Children tug on ~
underclothing.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, October 2011:
2nd - nedesto with:
"Since we are intelligent human beings living in the twenty first century ~
we tweet inanely trifling cliches but, in sum, never anything interesting."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2011:
3rd - nedesto with:
All Along The Watchtower
GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2011:
2nd - nedesto with:
Healthy mood? =
Hold the mayo!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 2011:
eq2nd - nedesto with:
A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney =
How I made ninety two years fun.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2011:
2nd - nedesto with:
The Veterans of Foreign Wars =
We fight overseas near front.
LONG CATEGORY, November 2011:
2nd - nedesto with:
A trooper pulled a car over and asked the man driving why it was that he was speeding. He said he was a juggler and was hurrying to get to a show at the Children's Circus. Because the cop was fascinated, he told the driver that if he would juggle for him, he wouldn't issue a ticket.
The man told the trooper he'd sent all his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle yet. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them.
=
The juggler said yes, so the cop lit and handed him five flares. As the man was juggling, a van pulled up. This red-faced doddering Irish drunk got out, watched the juggler for a while, then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The cop watched him, then scurried over and asked the sottish aimless drunk what he thought he was doing.
Halfhearted, he said, "You really might as well take me up to jail, Chief, because there ain't no way I can pass that test."
RUDE CATEGORY, November 2011:
1st - nedesto with:
His epic orgasm =
Seismographic!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2011:
eq2nd - nedesto with:
Little Nathaniel and Ted just met in their daycare.
"My Daddy sells books. What does yours do for a living?" Nathaniel asked. ~
"My dad is a mob-snitch lawyer," said Ted.
"Honest?" asked Nathaniel, totally floored.
"No, just the regular kind," said Ted naively.
RUDE CATEGORY, December 2011:
1st - nedesto with:
A fart is ~
fast air.
GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2012:
3rd - nedesto with:
71% of women usually do think their asses are damn big ~
but 17%, if so asked, would nonetheless marry him again!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2012:
Eq2nd - nedesto with:
Alas, I'm no ~
Mona Lisa.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2012:
Eq2nd - nedesto with:
1. Romney
2. Santorum
3. Gingrich
4. Paul
5. Perry
6. Bachmann
=
1. Inhuman
2. Creepy
3. Grumpy
4. Boring
5. Charlatan
6. Mrs. "No!"
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, January 2012:
1st - nedesto with:
British scientist Stephen William Hawking =
Knew spacetime with his brilliant insights.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, January 2012:
1st - nedesto with:
Stop Online Piracy Act =
Potential conspiracy?
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, January 2012:
1st - nedesto with:
The Superior called the sisters together informing them in dismay,
"And, as of now, we have a case of gonorrhea in the convent!"
=
"Yes! Praise Heaven!" sang a nun coming over to the front of the room
as she cheered, "We're so tired of swilling that damn Chianti!"
LONG CATEGORY, January 2012:
Eq2nd - nedesto with:
Twelve young priests were going to be ordained into the order. The
final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally naked,
while a blond big-breasted model danced nude before them.
First, all the priests had small bells attached to their penises. Then
they were told that anyone whose bell so much as tinkles while the
model pranced in front of them wasn't going to be ordained, because he
hadn't reached a state of spiritual purity. ~
So, the nubile amorous model danced heatedly before the first candidate
without any reaction at all. As she went down the line, the same
response was repeated from all the priests until she got to the
remaining priest.
As she danced by, his bell began to ring so loudly indeed that it flew
clattering away to the ground. Mortified, he took a few steps forward
and bent over to pick up the bell...
When behind him, all the other bells started to ring.
RUDE CATEGORY, January 2012:
Eq1st - nedesto with:
Threesomes =
Hetero mess!
GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2012:
3rd - nedesto with:
When I asked my pal Fred about his ornery addiction to ~
brake fluid, he said, "Oh, don't worry, Ed. I can stop any time."
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, February 2012:
3rd - nedesto with:
On the Origin of Species written by Charles Darwin =
Clear inspired theory of genetics was born within.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2012:
2nd - nedesto with:
Newest iPad =
I want speed!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, March 2012:
1st - nedesto with:
Bessy the old Guernsey told Molly the heifer, "I've been artificially inseminated; it was done only about four hours ago!"
=
"Hogwash!" Molly said acutely, "I don't believe any of it for one minute."
Bessy raised her aged hoof, "It's entirely true - no bull."
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2012:
1st - nedesto with:
Top novels:
1. Anna Karenina
2. Madame Bovary
3. War and Peace =
1. Reawakened in a romance
2. A savvy mantrap
3. Bad Napoleon!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2012:
3rd - nedesto with:
Find Groening's spoiler? =
Springfield's in... Oregon!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, April 2012:
1st - nedesto with:
The top three child prodigies:
1. Mozart
2. Picasso
3. Pascal
=
1. Greatest composer
2. Artistic lad
3. Chap philosophized
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2012:
2nd - nedesto with:
Top ranked films:
1. The Shawshank Redemption
2. The Godfather
3. The Godfather: Part II
4. Pulp Fiction
5. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
=
1. Freedom tempted Andy
2. Coppola hit
3. Kiss of Death
4. Wild fresh Tarantino breakthrough
5. The Gold, the Gunfight and the Epitaph
LONG CATEGORY, April 2012:
2nd - nedesto with:
A guy sees a little duck walking slowly by some railroad tracks,
seemingly not able to fly.
He stops his car and puts the duck in the passenger seat and goes along
the road, when a cop pulls him over.
"Don't you know it's against the law to drive loose birds around inside
your car?" the officer asks the guy.
"Yes, yes, I know, sorry," the guy explains, "Only this duck cannot
fly, so I'm going to take it to the zoo."
"Okay then," says the cop, and lets the guy go off with the duck.
The next day, the cop sees the guy again, and he still has the duck in
his car.
Exasperated, he stops the guy, and says, "Look, I thought you were
taking that duck to the zoo."
"Yes, I did," says the guy, "And now I'm taking him to the theatre."
=
This outrageously cute duck waddles into this store and chattily asks
the clerk, "Hi, hi! You got any gwapes?"
The clerk says, "Huh? No."
The next day, the wee duck goes into the shop and asks, "Hi, hi! You
got any gwapes?"
The clerk frowns visibly and says, "No! I told you I haven't got any
grapes!"
The next day, the duck enters into the shop and asks, "Hi, hi! You got
any gwapes?"
"No, dammit!" the frazzled clerk yells, "Now if I see you coming around
this store again asking me about grapes, I am surely going to staple
both of your idiotic little feet to the floor!!"
The next day, the duck waddles into the store and asks the clerk, "Hi,
hi! You got any staples?"
The clerk says, "...Um...no..."
"Good!" says the duck, "Got any gwapes?"
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2012:
2nd - nedesto with:
Captain America
Black Widow
The Hulk
Iron Man
Thor
=
Patriot
Hot chick
Calm down!
Urbane man
Ah, I like war!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, May 2012:
eq1st - nedesto with:
PM David Cameron =
Vapid commander.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2012:
1st - nedesto with:
This man takes his cross-eyed cur to some vet who casually raised it up and peered into its eyes.
The vet heaved a hushed sigh. ~
"My god... I'll have to put this terrier down." he said.
" 'Cause he is cross-eyed!?" asked the upset man.
"No", said the vet, "It's 'cause he's heavy."
RUDE CATEGORY, May 2012:
1st - nedesto with:
Walt Disney's Pinocchio =
I can shit woody pencils!
GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2012:
1st - nedesto with:
A documentary =
Camera on duty.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, June 2012:
3rd - nedesto with:
"Iron Lady" Margaret Thatcher =
Angry rhetorical mad hatter.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2012:
3rd - nedesto with:
On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection, or the Preservation of Favoured Races in the Struggle for Life
=
Author's revolutionary paper ruffles creation mob's long-held tenet of faith, offering to raise science over Genesis.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2012:
2nd - nedesto with:
Because I could not stop for Death -
He kindly stopped for me -
The Carriage held but just Ourselves -
And Immortality."
=
Poor ghostlike lady, sold much? No?
Obscure in life retreat -
Embraced devoutly, just past death, so:
Triumph in defeat!
LONG CATEGORY, June 2012:
1st - nedesto with:
How to Defend Yourself Against the Velociraptor
1. You need to be sure you're fighting a velociraptor. To identify it; find something to throw at it. If it runs at you phenomenally fast, infuriated, thrashing and screaming, it probably is a velociraptor. You are now in some big danger.
2. Next, run away. It will catch you immediately.
3. Now's your big chance! Hit it behind the head. But maybe in the arm or the tail.
4. Call the police but don't say much about fighting a velociraptor because they won't believe you; say you are fighting terrorism.
Tips
* Avoid velociraptors.
* I recommend you always have a homemade phony velociraptor costume handy so you can mesmerise a velociraptor into thinking you are also a velociraptor. (Though note: this won't actually work)
Warnings
* Velociraptors have very sharp teeth and hidden claws for penetration as demonstrated in Jurassic Park, when Sam Neill shamelessly uses that raptor claw to discuss slicing that kid up into a mess of flesh confetti.
* Many velociraptors can open doors barehanded and may even have the ability to learn other simple tasks such as: gardening and listening to Country Music.
=
How to Appear Human
1. Choose a Human to imitate. Avoid world leaders; assassination may lead to your being detected.
2. Grow - or attach using adhesive - "Human like" limbs which may be artificially constructed out of ordinary raw materials (e.g. ice, duct tape, etc...) Then select dye color having visibility in the average Human's visual spectrum, applying this dye liberally to any limbs.
3. The final layer is comprised entirely of woven fabric. Depending on the age of the Human which you have chosen to imitate, rips and stretch marks may be very convincing. Finally, apply polystyrene triangles and circles to just the top of your anatomy. Do not overdo it; Humans are not Krakens.
4. You are ready to embark on your mission. To move yourself forward, push against the ground with all of your prostheses that have an orientation towards the native gravitational body.
Tips
* Attaching fibrous protein strands to the top of your outer anatomy along with geometric shapes allows for a more convincing disguise.
Warnings
* Do not eat other Humans in public; experience indicates that their culture considers this wholly unacceptable behavior.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2012:
2nd - nedesto with:
[This crossword contains four titles from a beloved writer and a farewell highlighted in blue. The letters in the completed crossword grid are an anagram of the combined set of "ACROSS" and "DOWN" clues.]
ACROSS
|
DOWN
|
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, July 2012:
2nd - nedesto with:
Neuroticism ~
in Tom Cruise.
LONG CATEGORY, July 2012:
3rd - nedesto with:
This sloth named David is creeping through the forest one day when this gang of snails approaches him, beating him up very severely.
The sloth is left at the bottom of a tree and is beaten and bleeding with several cuts and bruises all over.
It's several hours later and the sloth somehow gathers up enough strength to go limping into the local police station. He stumbles into the sergeant's office.
"My word! Whatever in the world happened to you?!" says the officer.
"A bunch of really mean snails beat me up," David replies sobbing.
"Well, can you describe who did this to you ?" the sergeant asks.
"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."
=
An old vampire bat dripping with blood flies home to get some rest. The other bats smell the succulent blood dripping and ask where he got it.
"Let me sleep, darn it!", he tells them, but nevertheless they annoyingly insist until he gives in.
"Oh, fine then... follow me" he says cursing, and goes off with the other vampire bats flapping behind him in a cloud.
Out of the cave's passageway he leads them, swooping down through the valley and far across a river and into a woods, finally coasting to a stop.
"This is the place. Now, do you see that tree branch over there?" he asks.
"Yes!" the bats all shout in a restless furor.
"Good" says the bat, "Because I sure didn't!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2012:
1st - nedesto with:
[This crossword includes two revolutionary scientific theories and the scientist's name highlighted in blue. The letters in the completed 17x17 crossword grid are an anagram of both the 17 "ACROSS" and 17 "DOWN" clues which are anagrams of each other.
As an additional hint, the solution of the three clues highlighted in red comprise an anagram of the scientific effect for which the scientist won the Nobel Prize. (most people think it was for 19-Across or 5-Down)]
ACROSS
|
DOWN
|
[ The Nobel Prize in Physics 1921 was awarded to Albert Einstein "for his services to Theoretical Physics, and especially for his discovery of the law of the photoelectric effect."]
CREPT+IO+CLOTHE = PHOTOELECTRIC
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2012:
1st - nedesto with:
The Olympic medals:
1. Gold
2. Silver
3. Bronze
=
1. Lovely gloss!
2. Commendable
3. Third prize
TOPICAL CATEGORY, August 2012:
3rd - nedesto with:
ADA stripped Lance Armstrong of his titles =
Doping taints this all-famed sports career.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, August 2012:
eq1st - nedesto with:
1. Facebook
2. Twitter
3. LinkedIn
4. MySpace
5. Google Plus
=
1. Like
2. Compact
3. Working Lead
4. Obsolete
5. Stupefying
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2012:
2nd - nedesto with:
The winning bidder told the auctioneer, "Sir, as I paid a big fortune for this budgie, he better talk as well as you say."=
"That fine little bird? Sure, it's a fearless gabber!" replied the auctioneer. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, August 2012:
2nd - nedesto with:
"Good girls go to Heaven. Bad girls go everywhere." - the late Helen Gurley Brown, international editor of Cosmopolitan.
=
Enrobing gals with her cool nerve,
A top 'girlie' wrote a line;
Yet lonely gals ought to observe:
Hard men are good to find!
LONG CATEGORY, August 2012:
2nd - nedesto with:
10 Things Not To Say During Childbirth
1. You know, looking at her you'd never guess that Demi Moore had a baby!
2. I just wish that men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
3. Can you pop that sucker out before Sunday Night Football starts?
4. You think that hurts? Let me tell you how I smashed my finger playing hockey...
5. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
6. When you lie on your back there, you look just like a python that swallowed a boar.
7. This kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
8. Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
9. Remember what we learned in Lamaze class: HEE HEE HOO HOO. You just aren't using the right words!
10. Go ahead, Lady, you don’t have the guts to pull that trigger.
=
10 Things Not To Say To A Policeman
1. Hell, you must've been doing a hundred and twenty to catch up with me. Good job!
2. Hi! Do you know why you pulled me over? OK, just so one of us does.
3. Which hick numbskull are you? Andy or Barney?
4. Huh. I thought that cops had to be in good condition.
5. Silly me; I hadn't realized that my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
6. Kiss my ass, you mindless blithering idiot. I pay your salary!
7. Hello! You must be the burly helmeted bisexual dude from the Village People!
8. The last cop gave me a warning, too!
9. Hello, Officer... You're not gonna check the trunk for hashish, right?
10. I was just trying to keep up with traffic... I know there's no other cars around here; that's how far ahead they are!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2012:
2nd - nedesto with:
[This crossword celebrates an important international event and includes nine thematic entries highlighted in blue.
The letters in the completed crossword grid are an anagram of both the "ACROSS" and "DOWN" clues which are anagrams of each other.]
ACROSS
|
DOWN
|
=
RUDE CATEGORY, August 2012:
1st - nedesto with:
Airplane stewardesses =
Pert asses wander aisle.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2012:
2nd - nedesto with:
Closer nude shots =
Those scoundrels!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2012:
3rd - nedesto with:
1. General
2. Entertainment
3. Topical
4. People's Names
5. Other Names
6. Anagrammy Challenge
7. Medium
8. Long
9. Special
10. Rude
11.Unspecified
=
1. All Else
2. Artistic
3. Recent
4. Nom de Plume
5. Place; Thing, e.g.
6. Fine Game
7. Hilarity Appeals
8. (same)
9. Poem Guru
10. Men Need Manners
11. No Can Do
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, September 2012:
2nd - nedesto with:
"There are some things that are so serious you have to laugh at them."
- Niels Bohr, Danish physicist.
=
On the other hand, every past U.S. election gig seems so hilarious
(bah ha ha!) that I shit my trousers.
LONG CATEGORY, September 2012:
3rd - nedesto with:
Two nuns from Norway had just gotten off the Staten Island Ferry and
one nun said to the other, "I heard that Americans eat dogs."
"My, how odd!" her companion replied. "But if we shall live here, we
might as well do as the Americans."
"Quite" nodded the mother superior wisely, noticing a hot dog vendor
nearby. They walked to the cart. "Two dogs, if you please, sir," she
said.
The vendor smiled obligingly, placing the hot dogs into foil as he
handed them over the counter.
Excitedly, the nuns hurried to a bench and began to unwrap their
'dogs'.
The mother superior stared at it a while and began to blush meekly.
Then, whispering cautiously, she said, "What part… did you get…?"
=
A happy older couple, both widowed, had been going out a long time.
Urged on by friends to get married, they decided that it was high time
to do so.
Before the nuptials, they went out to dinner and had a conversation
regarding how marriage should work, discussing money decisions, living
arrangements, and such.
Finally, the old man thought that this was the time he ought to broach
the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he turned and asked, rather tentatively.
"I would prefer it infrequently" she replied shyly.
The man sat a moment, cleaned his glasses, then leaned over towards her
and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2012:
2nd - nedesto with:
Crossword
GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2012:
2nd - nedesto with:
Two fat blokes are at the pub. "Your round," says the one. ~
The other bloke spun, went: "So are you, you fat bastard!"
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, October 2012:
2nd - nedesto with:
'All my troubles seemed so far away' =
Early Beatles(R) melody was famous.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2012:
3rd - nedesto with:
Hugo Chavez is elected to a fourth term as president =
CIA prefers the Venezuela dictator's tough methods.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, October 2012:
3rd - nedesto with:
A lady keeps peeking through these turkeys at the grocery store, but she can�t find any large enough for her family's needs. ~
LONG CATEGORY, October 2012:
3rd - nedesto with:
A dustman is going up a street. He gets to a house where the bin isn't out yet, so he has a look for it, and knocks.
The door is answered by a shy Chinese gentleman, Lee. "Harro," he says.
"All right, where's your bin, yeah?" asks the dustman.
"I bin on toiret," replies Lee, looking perplexed.
"No," demands the dustman, "Where's ya dustbin?"
Lee scratches his head and protests, "I dust bin on toiret!"
"Christ, but you're still not getting my drift," curses the dustman, upset. "Where's your wheely bin?!"
"Aw fine," Lee gulps bashfully. "I wheely bin having wank."
=
Betty is growing frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex.
She finally buys some split-crotch undies she had seen in a lingerie shop.
One night at home, Betty takes a shower. She puts on a slinky blue satin negligee and wears the split-crotch panties underneath.
She then strolls between her husband and the telly, and suggestively tosses one leg up on his chair arm.
"Hi there, Sweetie. Would you like some of this?" Betty purrs.
"Are you kidding me, woman?" her hubby says. "I mean, look what it did to your underwear!"
TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2012:
3rd - nedesto with:
Mitt Romney gets second place =
Democracy settles on pigment.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2012:
eq1st - nedesto with:
A nosy old woman sees Donald in the park eating three candy bars and
then tells him, "Eating so much junk is very bad for you!"
=
"Lady, my grampa Jack lived to be a hunnert."
"And so, naturally he ate candy?" she retorts.
"No, he minded his own fooking business."
LONG CATEGORY, November 2012:
1st - nedesto with:
Goofy Definitions:
ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.
HEROES: What that guy in a boat has to do.
PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
PARADOX: Are two physicians.
BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.
COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put cabinets together.
EYEDROPPER: A very clumsy ophthalmologist.
LEFTBANK: What that robber did when his bag was too full of money.
SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store has to do.
BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees police with.
=
RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.
MISTY: How some golfer types create divots.
PARASITES: French things you see from high on top of the Eiffel Tower.
POLARIZE: What penguins see snowdrifts with.
PHARMACIST: Boy who ran off to be a helper on the farm.
ARBITRATOR: Cook that chooses to leave Arby's to work at McDonalds.
AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter or cowboy hopes to do.
SUDAFED: Brought harassing litigation against a government agent.
RELIEF: What each tree hopes to do in the Spring.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2012:
1st - nedesto with:
1. Go away
4. Lyrical poem
7. Boy kids
9. Crack
14. Inane dunderheads (7,6)
15. Swelling due to disease
16. Abandon it
17. Attain; meet
18. Use a label
20. Drought-weary area (4,4)
22. Rifle type (5,6)
25. Off yourself
27. Intent
28. Salt
30. Loveless, platitudinous union (8,2,11)
33. Couch
35. ___ won't do!
36. Presently
39. Electronic computers use it (7,4)
41. Punch (4,4)
44. Dears
45. Green
46. ___ ___ License Agreement (3,6)
50. Root vegetable
51. French kiss? (6,7)
52. Rein___
53. Perpetrate murder
54. Conditionally
55. Crime
=
1. Yokel, dupe or loon
2. Pasta type
3. Old is reused
5. Fatso
6. Microcomputer core (7,10,4)
7. Sheltered to the wind
8. Nederlands hat (5,3)
10. Currently attractive?
11. Barterer
12. Thank
13. Be decidedly sober
19. Day fifteen
21. A wee pancake
23. Car
24. Angle
26. Gone
29. Calling (5,2,4)
30. Inspirer
31. Curious
32. Twist
34. Consul
37. Cue we use to display ennui
38. Mane style
40. One's motherland
42. Is gleeful
43. A nitrogenous bean
47. Impugn severely
48. Fraction
49. Militia
RUDE CATEGORY, November 2012:
2nd - nedesto with:
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas =
Happy gents shag a native... sans wives!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, December 2012:
3rd - nedesto with:
Catherine "Kate" Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge =
Duke's child-bearing mate, henceforth domesticated.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2012:
3rd - nedesto with:
Festivals:
1. Advent
2. Christmas
3. Boxing Day
4. New Year's Eve
=
1. Calendar
2. Nativity
3. Boss served many gifts
4. We have sex!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2012:
1st - nedesto with:
The world's five all-time most noteworthy people:
1. Leonardo da Vinci
2. Isaac Newton
3. Albert Einstein
4. Plato
5. Galileo Galilei
=
1. Mona Lisa painter
2. "I'll follow gravity down."
3. "I have entwined spacetime."
4. Rational theologist
5. A telescope led to rebellion
LONG CATEGORY, December 2012:
3rd - nedesto with:
Benny walked into his welfare office to pick up his check. Marching straight up to Ken, the social worker at the counter Benny said, "Hi, Ken, my good man.... I do HATE getting welfare. I'd rather be working."
Ken said, "Then your timing is really most excellent, sir, as we have this brand new opening from a wealthy old man who wants a bodyguard for his beautiful nineteen year old daughter."
"You'll have to drive her in the old man's Mercedes, Benny, and the old man will supply all your clothes. Because of the long hours, the meals will be provided. Then, you'll also be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips." Ken continued.
"This is rather indelicate to say, Benny, but as part of this job assignment, you will also have to try to satisfy her... ahem... desires, as the girl has a rather strong... ahem... drive."
Wide-eyed, Benny said, "You gotta be bullshitting me, Ken!"
Ken said, "Yeah, well I'm sorry, but you started it."
=
Will goes into a pub. The bar is completely empty, except for the bartender. Will orders a drink, the bartender pours it and goes in the back room, leaving Will alone in the bar.
Suddenly, Will hears a vague muffled voice in the bar, "Pardon, but your tie's very nice."
He looks around, but sees no one. Will sips his drink again and then hears the muffled voice say, "Wow, your hair's really sexy today."
Again, he glances around, but no one's there. Thinking he's losing his mind, Will goes back to his drink. Then he hears the muffled voice say, "Wow, you look truly great. Have you lost weight, too?"
Just then, the bartender emerges from back of the room. "Was that you talking before?" asks Will.
"Well, no, I didn't say anything," says the bartender.
"Really? Because I distinctly heard someone say "Nice tie", then they complimented my hair and said I'd lost weight."
"Oh," said the bartender, "That's the peanuts, they're complimentary."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2012:
1st - nedesto with:
1. Molten rock
4. Pop
7. Crooked (4-1-4)
12. Prick
13. Have concerns (5,2)
14. I'm who is Santa's third
15. Birthplace
16. Use my words
17. Blithe
18. Reminiscence
20. Adherence
24. Wise
26. O-C-O (3,3)
28. Sheep heaps
30. Much beloved Crosby tune (3,2,4,3,9)
32. I'm a first for Santa
34. Plaster type
35. Sugary nut confections
38. Scalia, et al (7,5)
40. Smart-ass
43. Vestibule
45. Eyes
46. Mistaken; invalid
48. Calm
49. A kind of 52 Across
50. Cause a humorous crack-up
51. Guides
52. Coconut meringue, e.g.
53. "To our health!"=
1. Us fogies
2. Cartilage
3. Cherub
4. "Do I hear a thousand?" (5,7)
5. Motor
6. When my true love gave me stuff (6,4,2,9)
7. Fickleness
8. Spell check (4,4)
9. "KLANG!" (5,4)
10. Happen
11. Celebration
19. Topic
21. Accolades
22. Semaphores as a distress (1-1-1)
23, Nativity
25. Stacks (5,2)
27. Eccentric human
29. Arborous, resinous sap
31. Chutney
32. Como se dice, "Two"?
33. Complete (5,4)
36. Candy
37. Caribou
39. Cephalopod
41. Intermission
42. Isthmus is a kind (4-2)
43. Enumerates
44. Vile, murky water
47. Scorch or burn
GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2013:
eq3rd - nedesto with:
A thoroughbred stallion =
That old labouring horse!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2013:
3rd - nedesto with:
President to ban assault rifles =
Portends less urban fatalities.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, January 2013:
1st - nedesto with:
Lamb of God threatened at ~
the Battle of Armageddon.
LONG CATEGORY, January 2013:
1st - nedesto with:
Harry was finally going to be a groom and he was excited about his upcoming marriage.
As he was leaving the office, Harry noticed his boss was walking over, his large hand outstretched.
"Here here ,Harry, congratulations! Now I just want to tell you that I have been married for thirty years and I am sure that you'll always recall this day with the fondest of memories as the very happiest day of your entire life!" he professed with a wink, a nod, and a heartfelt handshake.
"But sir", spoke Harry, seeming a little confused, "I am not getting married until tomorrow!"
"Yeah, Harry, I know", said his boss.
=
While Charley was at a marriage seminar, everyone was telling how long they'd been married. Charley said that he and his wife had been married for almost fifty years.
"That is so neat!" said the group's leader. "Could you share some of your insights?"
"It's just that I treat my wife well, buy her gifts, take her on trips," Charley answered. "For our twentieth anniversary I took her down to the Bahamas."
"That's such a moving inspiration for us all!" said the leader. "What are you going to do for your next anniversary?" she said.
"Well," said Charley "I'm thinking of going back down to the Bahamas to pick her up."
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, February 2013:
2nd - nedesto with:
Oscar winner Daniel Day-Lewis =
Is war-weary indeed as Lincoln.
GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2013:
1st - nedesto with:
Flowers unfold =
Full of wonders.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2013:
1st - nedesto with:
The Vatican's College of Cardinals =
God's half-secret Italian conclave.
LONG CATEGORY, March 2013:
2nd - nedesto with:
Years ago in Ireland, there was a priest who was very anti-British. Every Sunday he'd blast them from the pulpit. He became so notorious that the Pope summoned the priest to Rome.
"Now look here, Father," said the Pope, "We want peace between the British and the Irish. You are not helping matters at all. Kiss my ring and then swear by the Virgin that you'll never ever mention the British again."
"But ... " the priest stammered.
"No buts," said the Pope. "Swear here and swear now or there'll be official trouble!"
"Aye, Holy Father," frowned the father. "All right."
The very next Sunday was Easter, and the caustic priest was back in the pulpit giving the annual Easter sermon.
He got to the part of the Easter story where Jesus said, "And so now one of you will betray Me."
The priest continued: "Then Saint Andrew lept up and said, 'Tis me Lord?' and the Lord said, 'Nay, Andy darlin'. Here now, sit down and dunna worry.'
"Then Saint John got up with tears in his eyes and cried, 'Or me Lord?' And the Lord said, 'Nay Nay, relax Johnny me boy, it's not you. Here now, sit down and dunna fret.'
"And then that wicked worthless mongrel Judas Iscariot slowly rose to his feet. And when he looked at the Lord he said, 'Blimey, Mate. Are ya thinking it's me?"
=
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet, walks into the pub and orders three beers.
The bartender draws the man three pints which he drinks alone.
An hour later he orders three more. This happens yet again.
The next evening the Irishman again orders the usual three pints at a time. And again. Soon the entire town is whispering about Old Three Pints.
A few days later, the bartender broaches the subject guardedly. "I sure don't mean to pry, okay? We're just wondering why is it do you always get three pints?" he says.
The man replies, "I've two brothers, you see. Paddy is in America, and Neil is in Australia. We always get some beers for each other to maintain the family bond."
With this answer Old Three Pints became a local celebrity and source of pride to the town.
Then, one day, he walks in and orders only two pints. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This went on the whole night. The word flies around town.
The next day, the bartender says, "We'd all just wanted to offer our sympathy to you for the loss of your brother. You know... two pints and all..."
The man ponders this a moment, and replies, "Oh Paddy and Neil are alive and well. It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2013:
1st - nedesto with:
1. Brusque; mean
6. Underestimate
11. Propose
12. Minks
14. Mutiny
15. A nascent sun
16. Sol
17. A giant gaseous planet
19. Harness; strap
20. A wee lad
21. Tavern; saloon (8,4)
25. A church
27. Worried
29. Whisper at him or her "Hey you..."
31. SSN equivalent (6,9,6)
33. Acreage
35. Urchin
36. Lloyd's of London, e.g.
39. Incipience (8,4)
41. Arctic; bitter
42. A tear
46. Zodiac
48. All our pennies contain it
49. Hotelier
51. Senseless
52. Appropriate
53. Sure was one remote planet
54. Stretch
55. Felicitously
=
1. Unpalatable
2. Usual observances
3. Union
4. I zap hair
5. Yard construction (9,12)
6. Illness
7. Alien phoning home?
8. Reins
9. A dye
10. PC time-waster
13. War deity
18. Not hers
22. Spook's month
23. Super___
24. Quasi-stellar
26. A part in ears
28. Articulate
30. Sun-centered revolution
31. I play racquet games in here (7,5)
32. ___ minor
34. Genuine patriots
37. Portfolio
38. Plus; also
40. Watch; see
43. Seamen's deity
44. Connected
45. The Oracle was seen in here
47. Scarf
50. Hector, e.g.
LONG CATEGORY, April 2013:
2nd - nedesto with:
The 80 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns were gathered around the bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried to give her some warm milk but she refused it. One of them, Sister Savanna, took the glass back to the pantry.
Finding a bottle of Irish whiskey that they'd received as a gift the previous Christmas, Savanna opened it and poured a generous amount into the glass.
Back at the Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother had a little, then a bit more and before long she had drank the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," they softly implored in earnest, "Can you please give us some of your wisdom before you go with God."
The Mother eased herself up in bed and with a look of sure piety said, "Don't sell that cow."
=
Not so long ago, Peter, an old German man was feeling guilty about something he had done, so he decided to confess.
"Oh, forgive my sins, Father. I feel rather terrible because during the war I hid a sorry refugee in the darkness of my attic." he pled.
The understanding padre spoke, "Oh, but that's no sin! Look, I wouldn't feel bad about that."
"But I made the poor man pay me 80 Marks for every week he stayed there."
The padre assured him, "So honestly, it wasn't the most noble thing to do, I suppose; charging to keep him secret. But remember you did help save his life, after all, and that's something at least. Don't worry over it so; Lord Jesus shows mercy."
Thrilled, Peter said, "Oh thank you, Father! That has totally eased my furrowed brow. So, one other thing to ask... do I have to tell him the war's over?"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2013:
3rd - nedesto with:
1. Leg part
3. Grieves
6. Gorge
8. Key
12. Twice four
14. Ordinary seasoning
15. Ariel e.g.
16. Story
18. Roadster
19. Eternity
21. Ten gauges
23. Gradual
27. Shade
29. Talent
31. Alveolar malady
33. Hotel
34. At ___ door
35. Thin; minimise
36. Rested on a divan
38. This month's
40. Chill; ice
41. Showoff; ham
45. Booze
47. Seasickness
51. Era
52. Any female deer
53. Poppy pit?
56. Muddle
57. Sharon was a good one
59. Trusting
60. Fume; emanation
61. Lenity
62. Foul; revile; ruin
63. Beeper
=
1. Grope
2. Generator
3. Meteor
4. Stingy
5. Ocean
6. Staid
7. Bravado
9. Sully
10. Grant
11. Vile
13. Plus
17. Gentle
20. Languid; weary; holey
22. To turn to the right
24. Speechlessness
25. Foam
26. Proper
28. Leader
30. Animated
32. Agonizing
33. Void; banal
37. Fame
39. Traipse idly amok
42. A finale
43. A revolution
44. Some sword-like irises
46. Hefty tumefaction
48. Gathering
49. One fine sword
50. Dreary
51. He authored Crusoe
54. Male; he
55. Dismay
58. So intense
RUDE CATEGORY, April 2013:
1st - nedesto with:
Models unrobing =
Big round melons!
GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2013:
1st - nedesto with:
Frosted cupcake =
Packed fructose.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2013:
3rd - nedesto with:
Memorial Day observances in the US =
A Monday hails our best servicemen.
LONG CATEGORY, May 2013:
eq2nd - nedesto with:
Fergus is at a local bar and pukes all over his own shirt, which was
brand new before he came in.
"Oh, damn!" he says. "I puked all over my shirt, and If the wife finds
out, she is going to kill me."
"Ah, not to worry, Fergus" says the bartender. "Here, stick a twenty in
your pocket and just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some
cash to cover the cleaning bill."
So Fergus goes on home and tells his wife about this guy who puked all
over him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. "Uh huh.
And why are there two twenties?" she says.
Fergus replies, "Oh, yeah. And that guy crapped in my pants, too!"
=
One evening at the brewery this chap Casey's stinkin' drunk, so the bar
keeper says, "Seems you've had too much. Go home."
Casey gets up off the stool, falls down, and crawls out the door.
Outside, Casey falls down again, so he crawls home.
When he arrives, he falls again trying to open the door. He crawls to
his room, stands up and falls straight in the bed in a drunken stupor.
The following morning his wife wakes him up, "You've been drinking,
haven't you?'
Bewildered, Casey mutters, 'What makes you think that?'
His wife replies, " 'Cos the pub just phoned. They said you left your
wheelchair there again.'
RUDE CATEGORY, May 2013:
2nd - nedesto with:
Common STDs:
1. Chlamydia
2. Gonorrhea
3. Syphilis
4. Herpes
=
1. Hot, moldy ass
2. Limp penis
3. Chancres
4. Hemorrhoids? Gay!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, June 2013:
1st - nedesto with:
Worlds best-selling autos:
1. Model T
2. Beetle
3. Corolla
=
1. Cool roadsters
2. One little bug
3. Well-assembled lot
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2013:
2nd - nedesto with:
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
=
Gollum and nine knights all endanger hobbit on errand to melt the thing there in Mt. Doom's inner fire.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, July 2013:
3rd - nedesto with:
Andrew Lloyd Webber musical The Phantom of the Opera =
French madman woos lady to be pupil below her theatre.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, July 2013:
1st - nedesto with:
Glee star Cory Monteith is dead =
Actor's demise in hotel tragedy.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, July 2013:
2nd - nedesto with:
Egyptian President Mohamed Morsi =
He got imprisoned in army stampede.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2013:
1st - nedesto with:
The Signs of the Ecliptic:
1. Aries
2. Taurus
3. Gemini
4. Cancer
5. Leo
6. Virgo
7. Libra
8. Scorpio
9. Sagittarius
10. Capricornus
11. Aquarius
12. Pisces
=
1. Ram
2. Steer
3. Pair
4. Carcinogenic
5. Big cat purrs
6. Ice-girl is virtuous
7. Scale
8. Poisonous
9. Centaur
10. Quasi-goat
11. Pitcher
12. Fishies sail
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2013:
3rd - nedesto with:
The painting of The Last Supper by Leonardo da Vinci =
Forty silver coins leapt up behind a poignant death.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, August 2013:
2nd - nedesto with:
The singer and television actress Miley Cyrus =
Noisy music, great riches, and very little sense!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2013:
3rd - nedesto with:
This boy's a grocery bagger at an old supermarket. One day the store installs a neat new machine which juices oranges.
=
Eyeing it, he asks, "Wow, can I help run that machine too?"
"Sorry, lad, no deal," The store manager says. "Baggers can't be juicers."
LONG CATEGORY, August 2013:
Eq3rd - nedesto with:
A police officer arrives upon an evidently terrible rush-hour crash; driver and passenger were both dead. As he looks upon the massively brutal carnage a little monkey labors out unhurt; it hops near the car.
Somberly, he looks at the monkey and says, "If only you could talk, you adorable rascal." The monkey looks up at the officer and bobs his head up and down.
"You really understand me?" asks the officer. Again, the monkey bobs his head at the officer.
"Did you see it all?"
"Yes," motions the monkey.
"What's happened?"
The monkey pretends to have a can and turns it up beside his mouth. "They'd been drinking?" asks the officer.
"Yes."
"Right. What else?"
The monkey pinches his fingers together and holds them near his mouth. "Damn! Smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"Right. What else?"
The little monkey motions, "Screwing."
"Dear Lord! Screwing, too?" mutters the astounded officer.
"Yes."
"Let's see... they were drinking, smoking and screwing before they crashed?"
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motions the monkey.
=
Mickey O'Reilly walks into a bar when he is obviously very drunk and staggers up to the bar. Then he seats himself unsteadily on a stool and he orders a drink.
The bartender says to Mickey, "Seems you have had plenty enough to drink, but I can happily phone you a ride if you want me to."
Mickey softly scoffs. He climbs off the stool, and then uneasily staggers out. Just a few minutes later, he stumbles in the side door. He staggers up and he orders a drink.
The bartender comes over, again refusing service to Mickey, again offering to call a ride. Mickey eyes the bartender angrily for a moment and he shows himself out the side door.
Then a few minutes later, Mickey drunkenly staggers in through the back door. He then plops himself up on a stool, and he orders a drink.
The bartender reminds Mickey that he is entirely drunk so he won't get served. He then warns that he could phone the police instead.
Mickey looks at him and cries in hopeless anguish, "How many bloody bars do you work at anyhow?!"
TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2013:
2nd - nedesto with:
Anthony D. Weiner loses in the Democratic primary =
Penis tweet cost him NY mayoral race in horrid end!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2013:
2nd - nedesto with:
A cheap costume =
Cape, moustache.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, October 2013:
1st - nedesto with:
German physicist Albert Einstein =
This gentleman I respect is brainy.
LONG CATEGORY, October 2013:
eq3rd - nedesto with:
Top Ten Golf Two-liners
Golfer: I'm going to drown myself in the lake.
Caddy: Do you think you could keep your head down for that long?
Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course.
Caddy: Try heaven, you already moved half of the earth.
Golfer: Do you think my swing is better?
Caddy: Oh, yes sir. You always miss the balls much closer now.
Golfer: Do you imagine I can get to the hole with a five iron?
Caddy: Yes... eventually.
Golfer: Please stop looking at your watch. It's too disturbing.
Caddy: But it isn't a watch, sir. It's a compass. ~
Golfer: You must be the most terrible, awkward caddy in the world.
Caddy: I don't think so. That would be too much of a coincidence.
Golfer: How do you like my game?
Caddy: Very good, sir. Though personally, I prefer golf.
Golfer: This is the most rough, uneven course I've ever seen.
Caddy: This isn't the course, sir. We must have left that over an hour ago.
Golfer: Now that can't be my ball, it looks too old.
Caddy: We teed off a long time ago, sir.
Golfer: Do you think playing on a Sunday is a sin?
Caddy: Personally, I think the way that you play, it's a sin any day.
Brandishing a bucket, he announced, "I'm here to feed our piranhas."
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 2013:
3rd - nedesto with:
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug =
Bilbo means death to this tough foe!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2013:
2nd - nedesto with:
This rainy, sullen, wet November weather =
It's when everyone wants their umbrella!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, November 2013:
eq2nd - nedesto with:
The Norwegian prodigy Sven Magnus Oen Carlsen =
An upset over reigning Anand won me chess glory.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2013:
2nd - nedesto with:
A list of the solar system's eight remaining planets:
1. Mercury
2. Venus
3. Earth
4. Mars
5. Jupiter
6. Saturn
7. Uranus
8. Neptune
=
1. A jumpy messenger
2. Authentic love
3. Terra
4. Unruly arms
5. Emperor
6. Sunlit rings spun
7. Titans' father
8. Sea enthusiast
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, November 2013:
>1st - nedesto with:
"A lot of good arguments are spoiled by some fool who knows what he is talking about." Miguel de Unamuno
=
"As a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, how a mammoth amount of knowledge is useful, you poor boob!"
RUDE CATEGORY, December 2013:
2nd - nedesto with:
Coitus Interruptus method =
Promise: Outside
Truth: Cunt
RUDE CATEGORY, January 2014:
1st - nedesto with:
The breast augmentation surgery =
Tart: "My tits are sure gonna be huge!"
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, February 2014:
1st - nedesto with:
1. Adam and Eve
2. Lucifer
3. Noah
4. Moses
5. Saul the king
6. Gabriel
=
1. Shamed us
2. Foul? Me??
3. Big ark!
4. Covenant
5. Head Israeli
6. Angel
LONG CATEGORY, February 2014:
2nd - nedesto with:
A young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a relatively straightforward lawsuit whereupon he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.
While St. Peter asked him inside he began complaining that his death had got to be some kind of mistake. "Wait! I'm much too young to be dead! Why I'm only thirty!"
St. Peter agreed that thirty seemed to be very young to enter the pearly gates, and finally agreed that he'd check on his case.
When St. Peter returned, he cooly told the attorney, "Well my son, I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours..."
"We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to all of your clients: You are a hundred and two!"
=
One morning in court, one attorney looked at the other, "You do look truly bushed this morning!"
The other lawyer said despondently, "I got up with this most beastly headache yesterday morning and no matter what, I can't get rid of the damned thing."
The first lawyer shrugged. "When I get terrible headaches, I take a few hours off during the day, go home, and make passionate love to my stunningly beautiful wife. Works every time for me," he said.
Later that afternoon, the two lawyers met. The first assured the second, "You seem much better!"
The second replied happily, "Yes, that was brilliant advice you gave me. And you have got an absolutely beautiful house too, by the way."
RUDE CATEGORY, February 2014:
3rd - nedesto with:
The diseased vagina =
I have end-stage AIDS.
GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2014:
2nd - nedesto with:
Gentle spring rains =
Green plants rising.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2014:
3rd - nedesto with:
Label Crimea ~
reclaimable.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, March 2014:
1st - nedesto with:
Famous military leader Napoleon Bonaparte =
Little man of Paris, marooned a year upon Elba.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, March 2014:
3rd - nedesto with:
"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."
=
Bird's Law shows the exact hoisting capacity of the noblest swallow when in flight happens to be the inverse of its speed.
LONG CATEGORY, March 2014:
3rd - nedesto with:
When Dermot showed up at Mass on Sunday, the priest almost fell down in surprise. Dermot had not been seen inside the church in his whole life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Dermot. "But Dermot," he said, “What is it that made you come around here anyway?"
"I got to be honest with you Father O'Brien." Dermot said. "I lost my hat and I really, really loved that hat dearly. I knew that old Tully had one like it and that he came to church every Sunday. I also figured that Tully would take off his hat and that he’d put it in the back. So, then I was going to leave after Communion and steal Tully's hat." ~
“I noticed you didn't steal his hat. What was it that has changed your mind?" the priest asked.
"Well, after I heard you finish the sermon on the ten commandments, I didn’t wanna steal Tully’s hat any longer." Dermot said.
The priest gave him a big ecclesiastic smile “Well, yes," he puffed, "after I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you naturally concluded you would've rather done without your hat than have to burn to ash down in Hell's pit, right?"
Dermot shook his head. "Why no, Father", he said. "After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I happened to remember where it was I’d left my hat."
TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2014:
2nd - nedesto with:
It's National Honesty Day =
I don't say any lies on that!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, April 2014:
2nd - nedesto with:
The USA Internal Revenue Service =
Their inane vultures never cease!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2014:
3rd - nedesto with:
Absent Place-an April Day, Emily Dickinson
Absent Place-an April Day-
Daffodils a-blow
Homesick curiosity
To the Souls that snow-
Drift may block within it
Deeper than without-
Daffodil delight but
Him it duplicate-
=
Delicately bathed in paint,
All cold lookouts did wait.
Flowers bound up with duty shine
Fragrant, sappy, soft, sedate.
Outlined in birthday chiffon;
Dreamlike, whimsical.
Imitates a picky patch;
Lithe mobs botanical.
GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2014:
2nd - nedesto with:
Television news documentaries ~
remind us violence ain't so sweet.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, May 2014:
2nd - nedesto with:
The artist Leonardo da Vinci =
A dated historical inventor.
LONG CATEGORY, May 2014:
1st - nedesto with:
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Ludwig Wittgenstein: "Crossing" was individually encoded into those objects "chicken" and "road" until that caused the actualization of the phenomenon.
Hippocrates: It is usually because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Jack Nicholson: Because it f-ing wanted to. That is f-ing why
Mark Twain: The unfortunate news of its untimely crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me thirty minutes with it and I'll find out.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Oliver North: Because our entire National Security was at stake.
B.F. Skinner: The external influences which had virtually pervaded its sensorium from birth had likewise caused it to unknowingly develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while fully believing such actions to be of its own free will.
Albert Einstein: The chicken crossed the road or the road crossed it; that depends upon your frame of reference.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order for it to act in good faith and for it to be true to itself, that chicken found it morally necessary to cross that road. ~
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that chickens cross roads at this juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought each such occurrence into being.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: To ask the forbidden question is to deny one's own essential chicken-nature.
Timothy Leary: Just because it's the only kind of damned trip the Establishment would let it take.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Salvador Dali: Fish.
Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.
Darwin: It was the first logical next step after leaping headlong down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not certain which side of the road it was on, though coincidentally it was moving downright fast.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of defiance, hence we were justified in dropping fifty tons of nerve gas on it.
Henry David Thoreau: For it chose to live deliberately ... and suck the marrow out of life.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Ronald Reagan: I forgot.
The Sphinx: Can you tell me?
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2014:
Eq3rd - nedesto with:
The famous Beatle's song Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds =
In which a mindless young beauty takes most of the LSD.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2014:
1st - nedesto with:
The annual summer solstice =
Sun reaches one tall summit.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, June 2014:
3rd - nedesto with:
The famous Liverpudlians: John, Paul, George, Ringo =
Four male English pals have joined touring group.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2014:
3rd - nedesto with:
Top Five Currently Playing Movies:
1. Maleficent
2. X-Men: Days of Future Past
3. A Million Ways to Die in the West
4. Godzilla
5. Blended
=
1. Evil fairy softens
2. Mutant vs. machine title
3. Family Guy went cowboy
4. Noxious deep sea lizard
5. Plodding, repellent date film
LONG CATEGORY, June 2014:
3rd - nedesto with:
TOP TEN THINGS WOMEN HATE TO HEAR FROM MEN
1. You sure it's mine?
2. That time of the month?
3. Your sister is pretty hot.
4. That is your mother talking.
5. Look, it's a guy thing...
6. If you're tired, I'd go home.
7. Gained weight? LOL!
8. How many men did you date?
9. Cookies? Are you still hungry?
10. Relax!
=
TOP TEN THINGS MEN HATE TO HEAR FROM WOMEN
1. Huh, are you going to wear that?
2. I'm not your mommy.
3. You're acting like my ex did.
4. We need to talk this through.
5. I'll do it myself.
6. Do you think that she's gorgeous...?
7. Your friend there is really hot
8. Get a pair.
9. It's not you, it's me.
10. Is it in?
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2014:
2nd - nedesto with:
42 GREAT THINGS ABOUT BEING A MAN
42 GREAT THINGS ABOUT BEING A WOMAN
GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2014:
3rd - nedesto with:
Those who deny climate change =
How they had to mangle science!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, July 2014:
eq3rd - nedesto with:
And Moses went up the sacred mountain to meet the Lord =
Path used to reach one renowned Old Testament summit.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, July 2014:
1st - nedesto with:
Priam's son Hector =
Heroic sportsman!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2014:
1st - nedesto with:
Twelve months within one year:
1. January
2. February
3. March
4. April
5. May
6. June
7. July
8. August
9. September
10. October
11. November
12. December
=
1. New Year
2. Carnival
3. Rejuvenate
4. Beauty
5. Buttercup
6. Enjoy Summer!
7. Blueberry Bloom
8. Meander'n
9. Warm
10. Majestic
11. Frosty
12. High Hope
LONG CATEGORY, July 2014:
1st - nedesto with:
Signs You have Grown Up:
- Your house plants are all alive... only you are not smoking any of them
- Having sex in a twin bed is really out of the question
- You keep more food than beer in the fridge
- Seven AM is the time that you are getting up, instead of going to bed
- You really watch the Weather Channel
- Your friends marry and divorce instead of hooking up and breaking up
- You are the one calling the police station because, "Those no-good kids next door just would not turn down their effing stereo!"
- Older relatives now feel comfortable telling dirty jokes around you
- You do not know what time Taco Bell closes anymore
- Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up
- All that you feed your dogs is Science Diet instead of random McDonalds leftovers
- Eating breakfast foods at breakfast time
- You go in to a drug store for ibuprofen, not for pregnancy tests ~
- You suddenly hear your favorite song everywhere... in elevators
- To sleep on the couch hurts your back nowadays
- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "pretty dressed up"
- You no longer sleep from noon to six
- Dinner and a movie is a whole date instead of the beginning of one
- Eating a basket of chicken wings at three AM would decidedly upset, rather than settle, your stomach
- You grudgingly go from one hundred twenty days vacation to fourteen
- A four dollar bottle of bubbly is no longer "the real good stuff"
- The famous excuse of "I just can't drink like I used to," replaces, "I'm absolutely never going to drink wine again."
- Most of the time and energy you spend in front of a computer is for actual academic work
- You no longer drink at home to save money before going out to a bar
- You read this list with desperation, looking for one sign that it doesn't apply to you!
RUDE CATEGORY, July 2014:
1st - nedesto with:
Shit myself =
Filthy mess!
GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2014:
1st - nedesto with:
A supervolcano =
Cone pours lava.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2014:
2nd - nedesto with:
Film director Sir Peter Jackson =
Credit for JRR Tolkien escapism.
RUDE CATEGORY, August 2014:
2nd - nedesto with:
Men's huge erections =
Ten gruesome inches!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2014:
3rd - nedesto with:
Rowling's Harry Potter series of children's books =
Thin sorcerer boy inspires older Hogwarts folks.
RUDE CATEGORY, September 2014:
1st - nedesto with:
Girl's nude silhouette =
Outline sure delights!
GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2014:
1st - nedesto with:
The cheating husband =
Caught... then banished!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, October 2014:
1st - nedesto with:
Cartoonist Walter Elias Disney =
Storyteller saw ideas in action.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, October 2014:
1st - nedesto with:
The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention =
Doctors and nurses there repel one vast infection!
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, October 2014:
3rd - nedesto with:
Yesterday is History,
Tomorrow a Mystery,
Today is a Gift,
That's why it's called The Present.
=
Hasty years missed;
"Sorry" is what pity left.
Tottery gray with mist;
One day closer to death.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2014:
3rd - nedesto with:
A German Panzer Division =
More raping Nazis invade.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, December 2014:
Eq1st - nedesto with:
"Away in a manger, no crib for his bed" =
We sing in a choir for Mary and babe.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2014:
3rd - nedesto with:
Ugly Sweater Day =
Wear gaudy style!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, January 2015:
2nd - nedesto with:
Microsoft Technology Advisor Bill Gates =
Visions of Ctrl-Alt-Del got boy so mega-rich!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, January 2015:
1st - nedesto with:
AFI's list of top five greatest movies of all time:
1. Lawrence of Arabia
2. Ben-Hur
3. Schindler's List
4. Gone with the Wind
5. Spartacus
=
1. That epic O'Toole war film
2. Heston wins this race
3. Neeson tends after lives
4. Civil War affair befits Gable
5. Douglas triumphs
TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2015:
Eq2nd - nedesto with:
Paedophile rocker Gary Glitter (Paul Francis Gadd) =
Predator creep guilty-as-charged of all kid-raping.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, February 2015:
2nd - nedesto with:
The journalist Brian Williams =
This just in: "Well, I am a born liar..."
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2015:
eq2nd - nedesto with:
The McDonalds Corporation chain of restaurants =
Fat consumers stand (or not) in poor cardiac health.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2015:
3rd - nedesto with:
IMDB list of year's most popular films:
1. American Sniper
2. Birdman
3. Kingsman: The Secret Service
4. The Imitation Game
5. John Wick
=
1. Cooper's militia marksman
2. Keaton's jilted actor
3. Firth's fine model spy
4. Cumberbatch: "I nip Enigma"
5. Reeves's grim hitman wins
Table of All-Time Placegetters
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