AUGUST 2008 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2008

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Scott Gardner with:
Women's all-around gymnastics competition =
Nastia won gold in a Summer Olympic contest.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The Singer Gary Glitter is deported from Vietnam =
Tiny-virgin molester Gadd gets free trip home. Rat!

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
An Olympic hero =
I honor my place!

Tony Crafter with:
Commercial space flights may take place soon =
Special 'fly me to the moon' package? Crass claim!

Adie Pena with:
General Motors =
Largest? No more!

Rosie Perera with:
Be careful what you ask for =
So we fear youthful Barack?

View with:
Brangelina twins =
Big natal winners.

Rosie Perera with:
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie =
I'd nailed giant parental job.

Chris Chatfield with:
Bullet-proof bras ~
trap fuller boobs.

Rosie Perera with:
Odd, as true calm prior to ~
Tropical Storm Edouard.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Booger is back: Woman receives five cloned puppies =
If dog proves superb, we make copies--inconceivable!

Adie Pena with:
"There's a reason you've never heard of 'bus rage.'" =
Reverse the above! Assure fear on a Greyhound!

Christopher Sturdy with:
The eighth of August, two thousand and eight. =
Thought I'd get fun at a huge show on this date.

Adie Pena with:
Chef Antony Worrall Thompson's Hyoscyamus niger =
Why my sons hallucinate on fresh gastronomy crop.

Adie Pena with:
Male Unbifurcated Garment =
Future decent mailman garb.

Rosie Perera with:
Russia invades Georgia =
Serious savage raiding.

Rosie Perera with:
Mailman campaigns to wear skirt ~
as man was more pragmatic in kilt.

Adie Pena with:
The soul singer Hayes is dead =
Eulogises shiny-headed star.

Elliot Chow with:
Barack Hussein Obama For President =
A dark brother fibs; causes me no pain.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Barack Hussein Obama for president =
A hero's abundant promises backfire?

Adie Pena with:
The world's tallest woman died in Indiana yesterday =
It is Sandy Allen's day. Worldwide attention made her.

Adie Pena with:
Adam Hinton and Kerry Norris =
Rather darn noisy kind ram on!

Adie Pena with:
Canadian teacher Christopher Paul Neil is jailed =
A paedophile can hear "Justice!" in a children's trial.

Margot Phelan with:
> Barack Hussein Obama For President =
OK, Americans. Brains, after dope Bush!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Musharraf's resignation accepted =
Impact surfacing: No tears are shed.

Rosie Perera with:
Tropical Storm Fay =
Calamity for ports.

Adie Pena with:
Sweet, sour, salty, bitter, savory ... and calcium-y? =
Basically a discovery, must try our new "taste"!

Adie Pena with:
A plane crashed at the Madrid, Spain airport! =
Hot, charred Spanair made a last pained trip!

Rick Rothstein with:
The vice presidential selection process =
Political choice... it preserved tenseness.

Adie Pena with:
Obama Chooses Biden as Running Mate =
Obtain immense U.S. changes abroad, no?

Dharam Khalsa with:
Sources: Obama picks Joe Biden as VP candidate =
Media scoops a subject in advance (a bird spoke!)

Rosie Perera with:
Senator Joe Biden is running for Vice President =
Nice! I.e., understands foreign events (in prior job).

Adie Pena with:
Argentina against ~
a stagnant Nigeria!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Senators Barack Obama and Joseph Biden will ~
clobber Osama Bin Laden's jihad network ASAP!

Larry Brash with:
The Maple Leaf Foods Incorporated =
Role: fed shit to people from Canada.

David Bourke with:
The Canadian Food Inspection Agency =
Poisoning once in a decade? Fancy that!

Neil Ramsay with:
The US Democratic National Convention =
Icon Clinton acted harmonious at event.

Rosie Perera with:
Rich US fiends pleased by ~
Bush's failed presidency.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Democratic National Convention in Denver =
Land honored nomination at Civic Center event.

Scott Gardner with:
The Democratic National Convention =
Catch Clinton oration event on media.

Rosie Perera with:
The presidential candidate's stump speech ~
rehashed nice stupid statements. I clapped.

Adie Pena with:
Vice presidential running mate chosen =
McCain tries the undeserving one: Palin!

Adie Pena with:
The Obama-Biden or McCain-Palin team? =
Incompatible. Abandon them, America!

Adie Pena with:
The Obama-Biden or McCain-Palin team? =
Admire the capable combination, man!

Adie Pena with:
A plan, sir? Ah, ~
Sarah Palin!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Will Sarah take kindly to green talk also? =
Don't really know, I'll ask her (get it? Al-ask-a?)

Meyran Kraus with:
The Republican Party Presidential Campaign crew =
We regrettably pair up McCain and this Palin creep.

Andrew Brehaut with:
Great Britiain's terraced housing =
Irate neighbours are distracting.

Andrew Brehaut with:
Great Britain's terraced housing =
A near-great neighbours district.

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Larry Brash with:
NOTE: This forum is heavily moderated. Spam and troll posts will be removed promptly =
"Spam! Spam! Spam!" is the word. It's all derived from our beloved little Monty Python role.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
"Cry 'Havoc,' and let slip the dogs of war;
That this foul deed shall smell above the earth
With carrion men, groaning for burial." =
Having hatched Caesar's past murder, the guilt-filled Roman, Antony, voices the horrible foreboding that war shall follow.

3rd - David Bourke with:
The President of the United States of America, Barack Hussein Obama =
After that demented sonofabitch Bush is out, a peacemaker is arisen!

Adie Pena with:
A chic lady in a bar walks to the bartender and places her pretty fingers in the man's mouth. Lustily, how he gently kisses ~
and licks each finger. The lady winks and says: "Tell Smithy, the club manager who runs this bar, there's no toilet paper yet!"

Rosie Perera with:
South Korean company offers world's first commercial pet cloning =
Gosh! Man can own perfect mirror copy of an old, sick, or lifeless mutt?

Rosie Perera with:
Reginald Peterson, dissatisfied with his Subway sandwich, called 911 to report a condiment problem. =
Bellows rapid order: "9-1-1? Police? This is an emergency! The food's bland! I want it with mustard and spices!"

Adie Pena with:
We do enjoy drinking to the smart, talented "The Who" personnel ~
Pete Townshend, Roger Daltrey, John Entwistle and Keith Moon.

Adie Pena with:
A southern Sumerian's whimsicality from nineteen hundred B.C. highlights an odor-accompanied warm move: ~
"Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

View with:
Alleged Barack Obama death threat leads to arrest in Miami =
He a rioter. Lad had a terrible aim to damage black statesman.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The President of the United States of America, Barack Hussein Obama =
He's frank, honest, committed to peace, but anti-Bush ideas raise a fear.

Rosie Perera with:
McCain beats Obama surrogate in cockroach derby race =
America, recognise a booby can't crush Democrat Barack!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Does Ricky Martin, as Latin disco singer, avoid media flap to pamper his beloved twins?=

A Miami designer friend predicts the pop star's two kids may soon be Livin' La Vida Loca!

Dharam Khalsa with:
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
=
'Tis twilight and hungered wolves
Howl at the moon so beggarly.
Shy rabbit in the brambles moves:
A regret, dead immediately!

Dharam Khalsa with:
International Olympic Committee, Lausanne, Switzerland =
Localized to easily maintain summer-winter plan content.

Dharam Khalsa with:
You must live your life in such a way that as your naked feet first hit the floor each morning,
~
evil filthy foulmouth Satan curses, "Hey, you're awake! Oh, sh*t!!"

(Integrity caution from a friend)

Rosie Perera with:
Hydroponics lab discovered in the Mall of the Americas =
Ha! Comical crime: pot raised behind Old Navy store shelf.

Neil Ramsay with:
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege. Anonymous.
=
A deep, intimate motto, genuinely proven by ever-obtuse useless idiot Bush.

Rosie Perera with:
"One Hundred Things to Do Before You Die" author Dave Freeman has died at forty-seven =
Goodbye, true friends. Found I had seen most of it. Have other adventure ahead yonder!

Adie Pena with:
ÒThe Beatles have an insufficient artistic level and cannot add to the spiritual and cultural life of the youth in Israel.Ó=
Four decades and three years late, plentiful vilifications aside, that cute hit bunch is a fun, total (even national!) thrill.

Rosie Perera with:
Sarah Louise Heath Palin's children are named Bristol, Piper, Track, Willow, and Trig =
"Horrors! All peculiar," claim liberals. "What were she and Todd (sapient pair) thinking?!"

Neil Ramsay with:
The World Haggis Eating Championships, Birnam, Perthshire, Scotland =
Great big highlanders chomp into a mortal sheep's innards (with chips).

Ellie Dent with:
Smoking in lavatories is prohibited. Persons caught smoking in lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.
=
Gentlemen, take my advice, as a pilot, avoid all mistakes, or lighting up even in toilets while airborne has risk - disemb..... OOPS!

Meyran Kraus with:
A Times headline: "Russia turns might of its war machine on rebel neighbour Georgia"=
"Their men are barging into an American site?!" said George Bush, furious. "I'll show them!"

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Larry Brash with:
The Games of the Twenty Ninth Olympiad held at Beijing, China =
The big athletic men, highly fit women and the pandas. Enjoy it!

2nd - Scott Gardner with:
The Games of the Twenty Ninth Olympiad held at Beijing, China =
They hand-time the speedy win of the Jamaican "Lightning Bolt"

3rd - Chris Chatfield with:
The Games of the Twenty Ninth Olympiad held at Beijing, China. =
Enjoy the city. Inhale and faint! (Wind might help beat the smog.)

Larry Brash with:
Goal to then empty the jails which had defying Tibetan men in.

Neil Ramsay with:
On hand with the enjoyable, impending, mighty athletic feats.

View with:
Then be this mighty chap enjoying the win of a title and medal!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The attainment of the object is winning a highly hyped medal.

David Bourke with:
Ah so, enjoy the Tibet anthem "Candle In The Wind"? - A pig might fly!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Gem pentathalon athlete may begin with joy, end in fish ditch.

Rosie Perera with:
And GWB joins in that highly deficient "home team talent" hype.

Christopher Sturdy with:
They hope we can enjoy them amidst all the bandit infighting.

Rosie Perera with:
Doping athletes banned; they might fetch time in jail, anyhow.

Rosie Perera with:
Ah, highly athletic Fijian women and men -- bet they'd get points!

Adie Pena with:
Behold a hefty athlete pinned with nothing in a majestic gym.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
championed that heady jingoism felt by the winning athlete.

Adie Pena with:
GWB: "Hey, me? I need to fly to this damn athletic thing in Japan, eh?"

Tony Crafter with:
Stop whining, if able, and enjoy the mighty and athletic theme!

Adie Pena with:
Enjoin an ideal; be with the competently Fast, High and Mighty!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Medal winning is the day job of the athletic he-man night type

Dharam Khalsa with:
The conjoined twin gymnast had the tiny helpmate leg (Ha, I fib!)

Rosie Perera with:
Might Japan win the ethnic ball game? "Yes, they often do," I'd hint.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Need watch the highly fit on tele tonight in bed in my pajamas

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Thin, highly fit men and women jog by at speed in athletic heat

David A. Green with:
Playing Mahjong in the city WON'T be the athletes' aim, he'd find.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Ah, holding the Tibetan flag with empathy ends in my ejection.

Adie Pena with:
I find, join and watch that hype in my hotel. "Let the Games begin!"

David Bourke with:
Jihad tempting wealthy Bin Laden in the heathen City of Smog?

Hans-Peter with:
Hey, ANY medal athlete fights with doping injection! Ban them!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Hey, Jay Leno's late night daft wit might be champion in the end.

Adrian Hickford with:
Many dejected athletes, failing, win nothing. Pity them? Oh, bah!

David Bourke with:
Impaled in the gym by a gifted athlete with a ten-inch johnson?

Dharam Khalsa with:
Yang Peiyi sang hit, then beheld deft Lin match the jaw motion.

Tony Crafter with:
Anthem hid big myth, eh? Well, I enjoyed that fantastic opening!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Hope the men get jail who hit a tiny child gymnast and benefit!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Fan, tally an eighth win by the icon jammed in the tight Speedo!

Michael Omstead with:
Few mighty athletes enjoy that hidden intangible, "Champion"

David Bourke with:
If in a battle, which anthem might the doping slant-eyed enjoy?

Dharam Khalsa with:
How the high-flying table tennis team enjoyed hit and impact!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Pentathlon: They aim, fence, swim, handle the bit, jog. Ah, dignity!

Andrew Brehaut with:
Chinese win many a high medal. Don't enjoy that gift. HELP TIBET!

Dharam Khalsa with:
I'd bet a few men jest, igniting the Apollo and Hyacinth myth, eh?

Christopher Sturdy with:
And see Jimmy play with Leona at the end of the night... Bitching!

Adie Pena with:
English in London benefit that day with the Jimmy Page act, eh?

Dharam Khalsa with:
If late Mao inspected the thing any night, he'd jail them by now!

Ellie Dent with:
The Games of the Twenty Ninth Olympiad held at Beijing, China =
Yet England defeat mighty, with the inimitable Johnson chap?

Meyran Kraus with:
I mainly enjoyed that opening... that thing's half-bewitched me!

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he would pass a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her, fearing various saucy remarks that were almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds for a good time, sweetie?" she'd shout from her spot.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily event. He'd jog by and she'd inevitably cry out, "One hundred and fifty pounds - yes?"

He'd yell back, "No! Five!"

One day, Camilla decided that she would like to accompany Charles on his run

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's corner, Prince Charles realised she would bark her £150.00 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on past outings. He figured maybe he'd better have a good explanation ready for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the woman, he became even more nervous than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the woman's eyes as she watched them jogging past. Then, from her spot on the street corner, the hooker yelled:

"Oy! See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?"

=

The English golfer's wife stepped up to the tee and, as she bent over to place her ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear. "Good God, Ruth! Why aren't you wearing any underclothes?" Demanded her husband John.

"You don't give me enough on my shopping-allowance account to afford them, John," she retorted.

John immediately reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of decency, Ruth; here's a £100. Do go and buy some underwear!"

Next, the Irishman's wife bent over to set her ball on the tee. An up-draught also hitched her skirt up to show that she, too, was wearing no underclothes. "Holy Virgin Mary, Gale!" He said. "How come you have no panties?"

She replied, "Well, I can't afford them on what you give me."

O'Marah dipped into his pocket and said, 'For the sake of decency Gale, here's a 50. Go and buy some undies!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bent over. A further gust took her skirt up to reveal that she, too, was naked underneath. "Och! Mudder o' Lord Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are your drawers?"

She too replied, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd them."

Jock reached into his pocket and said, "Well, fer the love o' decency, here's a comb ...Tidy yerself up a bit."

2nd - Adie Pena with:
A black man and his son are aboard American Airlines going across the Atlantic Ocean when they hear the captain's strained voice coming over the speakers.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so sorry. I'm afraid I have some bad news. One of our engines has gone out. We still have three working fine, but in order to make it across the ocean, we have to dump all our luggage. It will soon be picked up by boats and then returned to the airport where you can pick it up. So sorry for the inconvenience."

Well, about fifteen minutes later, the captain comes on again.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so sorry. I'm afraid I have some more bad news. We just lost another engine. Since we already dumped the luggage, next we will have to drop some people. You will be given floating devices and will be picked up immediately by boats and taken safely to shore. To be fair, we will do this in alphabetical order...
~
'A' is for 'African Americans.' Please raise your hands. We'll take a few."

Hearing this, the manipulatable little black boy started to raise his hand.

The father glowered and uttered, "No son, keep it down!"

When no one raised theirs, the uninventive captain proclaimed, "Okay, fine, let's move on to letter 'B.' 'B' is pegged for our 'Blacks.' Raise your hands."

"Wow! Unbelievable intimidation!" Again, the big mettlesome man kept the little boy from raising his hand.

Outwitted, the wearisome captain comes on once more, and announces, "Well, I guess we'll move on to 'C.' 'C' is divvied up among 'Colored People.' Raise your hands."

Bedeviled, the intuitive, clever man kept gagging the boy from raising his.

"But Poppa! We are 'African American,' we are 'Black,' and we are also called 'Colored.' Why won't you let me raise my hand?"

He counseled, "No son, today, we is 'Niggers.' Those 'Mexican' jalapenos are going before us!"

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Question: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

Here is woman's answer: One! I repeat, ONLY ONE!!!! Do you know WHY? Because no one else in our house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They do not even know when a bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark FOUR DAYS before finally figuring it out! And once they did, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs, despite the fact they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS! If anybody, by some great miracle, actually did find them, TWO DAYS LATER the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would still be stuck in THE SAME SPOT!!!!!
~
And UNDERNEATH the old shabby wobbly chair, would undoubtedly be THE PACKAGE THE LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! Because no litterbug I see here thinks to PICK UP OR TAKE OUT THE TRASH!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVE NOT ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF OLD RUBBISH AT LEAST TWO FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY AND NAVY COMBINED LONGER THAN A WEEK'S TIME IN HERE, MAYBE EVEN MONTHS, TO CLEAN THE DUSTY, FILTHY PLACE! IT'S BEYOND BELIEF!! ANYBODY UNWITTINGLY SNIFFING DOWNWIND WOULD CONDEMN THIS HOUSE! AND DON'T GET ME GOING ON WHO'S ALWAYS REPLACING THE #&%!* TOILET TISSUE!! GOODBYE, BUSYBODY!!!!

Sorry, honey. What was the question?

Ellie Dent with:
THE CRIMSON CANDLE

As he was dying, a man called his wife to his bedside.

"I am about to depart this life; can you please give me one last proof of your sincerity, chastity and fidelity?

According to the ways of our religion, when a married man seeks admittance to Heaven and to the next world, he must, rightly, swear that he has not defiled himself with an unworthy woman.~
Go to my room, and inside the desk you'll find a candle, which a High Priest blessed. It has a mystical significance. Swear, as a true favour to me, that while it's in existence you won't remarry."

Overcome by pity for him, the woman swore, and the man passed on.

At his funeral, the woman stood at the head of the coffin holding a lighted red candle, until it wasted entirely away.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Zodiac of Western astrology probably originated at a Babylonian area circa second millennium BC. A horoscope is a circular chart recreating relative planet orbit placement (squares, lines, and wider angles shown) at a unique time point, such as a birth arrival. A progression is a similar horoscope page structure, but revised as years progress.
~
The twelve signs and their associated stones:

Aries (Ram) Bloodstone
Taurus (Bull) Carnelian
Gemini (Twins) Agate
Cancer (Crab) Emerald
Leo (Lion) Peridot
Virgo (Virgin) Sapphire
Libra (Scale or Balance) Opal
Scorpio (Scorpion) Chrysoberyl
Sagittarius (Centaur) Topaz
Capricorn (Horned sea goat) Ruby
Aquarius (Water bearer) Amethyst
Pisces (Fish) Aquamarine

Dharam Khalsa with:
A medievally sadistic image mechanism for which modest, hesitant women must obey the book and unhook their athletic bras.

=

Mammogram

This machine was created by man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how they come out.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Spam is flooding the Internet with many repeated copies of the same bulk message, in an underhanded attempt to force the rampant message on people who would probably not otherwise choose to look at or receive it. Most spam is corny commercial marketing, often by a hidden human, for dubious products like adult pharmaceutical aid, get-rich land or jackpot traps, and underhanded legal services.

=

Spam luncheon meat is a precooked meat product made and canned by the Hormel Foods Corporation. The label ingredients given on the Classic variety of Spam are: chopped pork shoulder meat with ham meat added, salt, water, sugar, sodium nitrite to help keep its true color. It has become part of jokes and urban legends about "mystery meat", which made it a winning icon of pop culture, signs and folklore.

Dharam Khalsa with:
You ask how dry it is back here in Texas? Nary a recent raindrop! In fact, it is so dry the Baptists are starting to enforce baptism by sprinkler, the Methodists can arrange to use wet-wipes,

~

Presbyterians are passing out rain checks for kids (babies too), and it seems the wise Catholic priests in Texas are praying for the wine to turn back into water. My, that's pretty darn dry!

Dharam Khalsa with:
I love America, but...

* Only in America...can a pizza delivery man speed to you faster than an ambulance can.

* Only in America...do we commonly have handicapped parking places in front of a skating rink.

* Only in America...do town drugstores make the sick customers go all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

* Only in America...do billions of customers order double cheeseburgers, fried onion rings, with diet soda.

* Only in America...do people leave a new car worth tens of thousands of dollars in the driveway and put useless junk and clutter in the garage.
~
* Only in America...do we use home answering machines to screen each and every call, and also 'call waiting' so as not to miss a call from the freak we wanted to avoid talking to in the first place.

* Only in America...do the reputed banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

* Only in America...do we buy up hot dogs in packages of ten and purchase bun packages of eight.

* Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to so aptly portray the dreary reality: 'poli', Latin referring to 'many', and 'tics' referring to 'bloodsucking creatures'.

* Only in America...do the banks offer drive-up ATM service in Braille.

Huh? Just muzzle me!

Neil Ramsay with:
The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces.
Quote by Maureen Murphy
=
Put out of the Whitehouse race, former pet-enemy of Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton now seems quite serious to appease him. Tut-Tut.

Dharam Khalsa with:
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck repaired. They couldn't do it while he waited, so the man said he didn't live far and would walk home.

On the way, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store, the man had a new problem - how to carry all the purchases himself.

While he was wondering, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to Country Lane?"

The farmer said, "Actually, my farm is very close to that road. I would walk you there, but I can't handle this lot myself."

The lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, put one chicken under each arm, carry the bucket in one hand, and carry the goose in your other hand?"
~
"Why, thank you very much," he said, "how smart!" Then he proceeded to rearrange his purchases so he could accompany her.

As the old lady hobbled a little on the way, he offered, "Let's take this short cut and go down the alley. We'll get there in no time!"

The old lady thought hard, appraised the character cautiously, and then said, "I'm a lonely widow without a husband's hands to defend me. So, how do I know that when we get off the main road you won't push me up against a fence, pull up my dress like a fresh pervert, and have your way?"

The farmer retorted, "Holy cow, lady!! Remember that I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose? How in the heck could I possibly brace you up against a fence, undress, and do all that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, place the bucket over to trap him, put the paint can atop the bucket, and I'll hold the two chickens."

Dharam Khalsa with:
A beginning Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine, "'House', for instance, is feminine: 'la casa', and 'pencil' is masculine: 'el lapiz'."

So a student asked, "What gender would 'computer' be?"

Not giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and let both decide whether 'computer' should be masculine or feminine. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their choice, though.

The men's group agreed 'computer' is definitely feminine in gender ('la computadora' ) because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.

3. They store even the smallest mistakes in their long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck in buying accessories for it.
~
(Imagine seeing anxious ladies cringing in pain, as the adolescent men are heard snickering and cheering, but this gets much better!)

After sufficient consideration, the academic women's group agreed 'computer' should be represented by a masculine name ('el computador'). Their spokesperson referenced these four significant reasons:

1. In order to get them running to do anything, you have to first turn them on.

2. They contain much specific searchable data in their programmed memories (an illusion), are still unable to think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to unerringly solve a problem; however, half the time they ARE the actual problem.

4. As soon as you see its specs and make a commitment to one, you realize that if you had waited a little while longer, you could have gotten the newer model (in a fancier package, as well).

The conclusion of this unscientific Spanish assignment is clear. As usual, the women's ingenious response won!

Dharam Khalsa with:
A policeman pulls a young lady over to rebuff her for being a hazard and going twice the speed limit. As he strolls over to her car, the lady sees the thick supply of tickets he's bringing her in his hand and says, "Hello! Are you offering me a ticket to purchase to the town policeman's ball?
~
He replies curtly, "No, ma'am, policemen don't have balls." The officer hears the young driver laughing at his error and turns beet red in the face. This is so embarrassing that the fellow apologizes, plops back into his police car, and speeds away, letting the lucky young lady off the hook.

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Adie Pena with:
[An anagrammed ten-letter word square]

1. D E S C E N D A N T
2. E C H E N E I D A E
3. S H O R T C O A T S
4. C E R B E R U L U S
5. E N T E R O M E R E
6. N E C R O L A T E R
7. D I O U M A B A N A
8. A D A L E T A B A T
9. N A T U R E N A M E
10. T E S S E R A T E D

=

1. A son
2. A sea creature
3. Neat, cute breed
4. An ant
5. Seen chromosome structure
6. Dead endearment
7. A locale
8. A site
9. Earth "brand"
10. Be tiled

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"The Seven Wonders of the Ancient World", a list including only great structures around the Mediterranean rim (the number "seven" was used as the Greeks did believe that number to be a magical sign):

* Pyramids, Egypt
* Hanging Gardens of Babylon (built by Nebuchadnezzar II)
* Temple of Artemis at Ephesus
* Statue of Greek God Zeus at Olympia
* Marble Tomb of King Mausolus Halicarnassus
* Colossus of Rhodes in Aegean Sea
* Pharos at Alexandria, Egypt

Seven Wonders of the Medieval World
(written in the Middle Ages, adding several):

* Colosseum of Rome
* Catacombs of Alexandria, Egypt
* Great Wall of China
* Stonehenge of Salisbury Plain, England
* Leaning Tower of Pisa, Italy
* The Porcelain Tower of Nanjing, China
* Mosque of St. Sophia in Constantinople (now Istanbul, Turkey)

Some of the above attractions are not on all "Medieval Wonders" lists. Other variations of medieval wonders include:

* Abu Simbel Temple, Egypt
* Angkor Wat, Cambodia
* Aztec Temple of Tenochtitlan, Mexico
* Banaue Rice Terraces, Philippines
* Borobudur Temple, Java, Indonesia
* Inca City of Machu Picchu, Peru
* Mayan Temples of Tikal, Guatemala
* Moai Statues of Easter Island, Rapa Nui, Chile
* Mont Saint-Michel, Normandy, France
* Parthenon, Athens, Greece
* Petra (Rock-Carved City) Jordan
* Shwedagon Pagoda, Myanmar
* Taj Mahal, Agra, India
* Temple of the Inscriptions at Palenque, Mexico
* Throne Hall of Persepolis, Iran

Seven Wonders of the Modern World:

* The Suez Canal
* The Eiffel Tower, Paris, France
* The Alaska Highway, Alaska, USA
* The Golden Gate Bridge, San Francisco, California, USA
* Empire State Building, New York, USA
* Dneproges Dam, Dnieper River, Ukraine
* The Panama Canal

Various "Modern Wonders" above are not on all lists. More international attractions include:

* Atomic Energy Research Establishment, Harwell, England
* Big Ben Clock Tower, London, England
* Channel Tunnel, England-France
* CN Tower, Toronto, Canada
* Gateway Arch, St. Louis, USA
* Aswan Dam, Egypt
* Hoover Dam, Arizona/Nevada, USA
* Itaipu Dam, Brazil/Paraquay
* Mount Rushmore, South Dakota, USA
* Petronas Towers, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
* Statue of Cristo Redentor, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
* Statue of Liberty, New York, USA
* Sydney Opera House, Australia
~
The Seven Wonders of the Natural World (as documented in my home encyclopedia):

* Mount Everest, Nepal
* Victoria Falls, Africa
* Grand Canyon, Southwest USA
* Great Barrier Reef
* The Northern Lights
* Paricutin Volcano (new), Mexico
* The Harbor at Rio de Janeiro

Some of the above phenomena may not be seen used in all Natural Wonders lists. The same encyclopedia pages append these obvious wonders:

* Angel Falls, Venezuela
* Bay of Fundy, Nova Scotia
* Blue Grotto, Capri, Italy
* Carlsbad Caverns, New Mexico, USA
* Giant Sequoias, Yosemite, California, USA
* Iguaœ Falls, South America
* Krakatoa Island, Indonesia
* Mount Fuji, Japan
* Mount Kilimanjaro, Tanzania
* Niagara Falls, Ontario/New York
* Nile, Egypt
* Valley of Ten Thousand Smokes, Alaska, USA
* Yellowstone Falls, Wyoming, USA

Additionally, CEDAM International, a US-based group of people dedicated to protecting the aqueous ocean ecosystem, compiled the timeless "Seven Underwater Wonders of the World":

* Palau
* Belize Barrier Reef
* Galapagos Islands
* Northern Red Sea
* Lake Baikal, Siberia
* Great Barrier Reef
* Deep Sea Vents

"The Seven Wonders of the Industrial World", a document penned by UK author Deborah Cadbury analyzing phenomenal human feats of engineering of the nineteenth and twentieth centuries, is quoted below:

* SS Great Eastern (steamship)
* Bell Rock Lighthouse/Signal Tower Museum
* Brooklyn Bridge, USA
* London sewerage system
* First Transcontinental Railroad
* The Panama Canal
* Hoover Dam

Popular travel/amusement writer Howard Hillman composed these simple lists recommending the top ten human-made and natural scenic places (in his opinion) to world tourists:

Best human-made travel wonders:

* Giza pyramid complex of Egypt
* Great Wall of China
* The Taj Mahal in India
* Machu Picchu, Peru
* Bali
* Angkor Wat, Cambodia
* Forbidden City, China
* Bagan Temples and Pagodas, Myanmar
* Karnak Temple, Egypt
* Teotihuacan, Mexico

Best natural travel wonders:

* Immense Serengeti Migration
* Galapagos Islands
* The Grand Canyon, Southwest USA
* Iguazu Falls, Argentina
* Amazon Rainforest
* Ngorongoro Crater, Tanzania
* The Great Barrier Reef
* Victoria Falls, Africa
* Bora Bora, South Pacific
* Cappadocia, Turkey

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
HEALTH QUESTION-AND-ANSWER QUIZ.
By
Doctor Feelgood

Q: I have heard that a proper cardiovascular exercise regime can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that is it. Don't use them up exercising. Everything wears out in the end. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that is like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism for delivering the vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And an added pork chop can give you all of your recommended daily allowances of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled from wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bits so, happily, you get more added goodness that way. Beer is also made from grains. Cheers!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. ~
Q: What are some of the advantages of having a regular daily exercise routine?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My attitude is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Are fried foods bad for you?
A: Oh dear me; you're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they are saturated in it. How could getting more of these vegetables be bad for you? It's ecology. Ok?

Q: Can sit-ups actively prevent me getting a little fat around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it actually makes it larger. Take note! You should only do sit-ups if you want a larger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO? Cocoa beans? Yes - another vegetable! Chocolate is the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I trust this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about accurate food and diet evaluation.

And remember:
Life should NOT be seen as a velvety walkway to the grave, with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive, svelte and well preserved body, but rather as a sideways skid - Chardonnay and corkscrew in one hand, chocolate-cake in the other, body used up and worn out - screaming, 'WHOOPEE! What a ride!'

Tony Crafter with:
Take A Chance On Me

Adie Pena with:
June

Neil Ramsay with:
The Number of the Beast

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