MAY 2009 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2009

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st - Neil Ramsay with:
Cold lager =
Clear gold.

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Satisfaction =
Cat in its sofa.

3rd - Rick Rothstein with:
Ill-gotten gains =
Silent gloating.

View with:
An epidemic =
i. e. pandemic.

Rosie Perera with:
"One step forward two steps back" ~
stops wanted pace for best work.

Rosie Perera with:
Good autumn meals omit ~
monosodium glutamate.

Yvonne Singleton with:
On a hill far away stood an old rugged cross =
Alas, a foolhardy wrongdoing, sacred louts.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Do resist ~
steroids.

Hans-Peter Reich with:
Prisoner abuse =
Bruise a person.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Firemen's Dalmatian =
Team's animal friend.

Scott Gardner with:
Firehouse's Dalmatians =
I see animal fur has dots.

Tony Crafter with:
Child stars =
Third-class?

Rosie Perera with:
The senior assisted living center =
That services lodgers in nineties.

Rosie Perera with:
Necroscopies =
Corpses on ice.

Adie Pena with:
A hate crime =
The aim? Race.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Coffee and croissants =
A food scent is France's

Tony Crafter with:
Never let the truth get in the way of a good story =
Ergo: to get very hot news, you lie, then draft that!

View with:
Desperation =
I need pastor.

Scott Gardner with:
The professor of mathematics =
This theorem's proof came fast!

Rosie Perera with:
The franchise opportunity =
I open thirty cafÄs up north.

Ernesto Guiraldes with:
Under a Texas Moon =
Sex...and manure, too!

Dean Mayer with:
"It's been a long time" =
Meeting is notable.

Dean Mayer with:
Sagittarian =
A sign, a trait.

Zoran Radisavlevic with:
There is no disputing about tastes =
To attention - phrase is "De gustibus..."

Meyran Kraus with:
The grave inscriptions =
Carving RIP's into these.

Ellie Dent with:
Wild outfit =
Would it fit?

Ellie Dent with:
The last chance saloon =
That's an alcohol scene.


THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY


1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Susan Boyle, "Britain's Got Talent" show =
Best singer on it but, alas, lost anyhow.

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Maurice Sendak's "Where the Wild Things Are" =
His tale which amused wee kindergartners.

3rd - Dean Mayer with:
The singer Susan Boyle =
She's one ugly-arse bint

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Wealth of Nations by Adam Smith =
Money's ambit of a hand with stealth.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Jerry Springer television show =
I throw things; live response, "J-e-e-r-r-y!"

View with:
The actor Clint Eastwood =
I do that cool western act.

Adie Pena with:
Thomas Harris's Hannibal Lecter =
He's a rather short, slim cannibal.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Amusing Ourselves to Death by Neil Postman =
Top media guru bases lesson mainly on the TV.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Simon and Garfunkel =
Larks found meaning.

Tony Crafter with:
The old fairy tale, 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland'. =
A sure enchanter; ideal for Disneyland. Walt loved it!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Hey, hey, we're the Monkees" =
Yeh, yeh...these men were OK.

Scott Gardner with:
The Star Trek motion pictures =
Mr. Spock into theater? It's true!

Scott Gardner with:
The Lord of the Rings trilogy =
Long story for their delight.

Ellie Dent with:
Claude Monet: 'Impression Sunrise (Soleil Levant)' =
One man's old masterpiece unveils lustre in oils.

Scott Gardner with:
Ansel Adams's "Monolith, the Face of Half Dome" =
Oh see, man made handsome shot of a tall cliff.

View with:
Statue 'Venus de Milo' =
Mute stone is valued.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Comedy Central's "The Daily Show" =
Deals with democracy honestly.

Rick Rothstein with:
Grey's Anatomy =
A mangey story.

View with:
American Idol Eight - Kris Allen =
I am real, not a childlike singer!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Hollywood Academy Award recipient, Bette Davis =
Beloved dramatic actor with wide eyes and a ploy.

Tony Crafter with:
Stavros Flatley =
Lovely fat stars!

Scott Gardner with:
Hollie Steel of Britain's Got Talent =
Little gal soon to be finalist there.

Dean Mayer with:
Britain's Got Talent Grand Finalists =
Little stars and/or a fat bint singing.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds =
Wickedly, it's a hit hymn sound.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds =
Ditty's sound which many like

Adie Pena with:
'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds' =
Any LSD with you, kind chemist?

Ellie Dent with:
A professional songster =
Fearless soprano to sing.


THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
Katie Price and Peter Andre have now split up. =
It's OK - we prepared the pre-nuptial in advance!

2nd - Adie Pena with:
The global economic crisis =
Resist becoming alcoholic!

Eq3rd - Scott Gardner with:
Memorial Day celebration in the US =
All you remember is death in action.

Eq3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Obama presidency =
Both peace and misery?

Dharam Khalsa with:
May Day, the International Workers Holiday =
Had work lately? Nay. A hard time; no seniority.

Ellie Dent with:
In the news =
Swine, then.

Rick Rothstein with:
The Taliban threat =
Their blatant hate.

Dharam Khalsa with:
White House Correspondents' Dinner =
The president scored one win on Rush.

View with:
Miss California keeps her crown =
Carrie P. remains. Nice show, folks!

View with:
Pope calls for reconciliation in Middle East =
End a poor Palestine-Israel domicil-conflict.

Neil Ramsay with:
Moat cleaning costs ~
got consent as claim!

Rosie Perera with:
The West Virginia RoadKill Cook-Off =
I fear to savor wicked-looking filth!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Atlantis crew repairs the Hubble Space Telescope =
Select new batteries, see Hale-Bopp's circular path!

Rosie Perera with:
The airport security whole-body imaging =
Two patriotic guys beheld my groin, I hear.

David Bourke with:
Marginal Scot in the mire =
Michael Martin to resign.

David Bourke with:
Immoral cheating? ~
Michael Martin, go!

View with:
NYC police: Terror suspects wanted to commit jihad =
End to crime - satanic, psychotic plot to murder Jews

David Bourke with:
The Daily Telegraph's stated mission =
It's to halt the M.P.s' lies and greed, I say.

Ellie Dent with:
National Escargot Day =
Can try, eat, a good snail.

Adrian Hickford with:
Member of Parliament's expense claims =
Example means Minister faces problem.

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Legality of abortion =
Nearly too big to fail.

Dean Mayer with:
Barcelona's triumph in Rome =
Man U - champions, or terrible?


THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
The US author William Sydney Porter ~
used to write triumphally as O Henry.

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Impressionist Pierre-Auguste Renoir =
I sure see some inspiring portraiture!

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Superstar Beyonce =
Pure-ebony actress.

Vai Sicanema Akhenaten with:
Nero, Hitler, Mussolini, Bush =
Honourless, brute nihilism.

David Bourke with:
Graham Stringer =
Rash triggerman.

David Bourke with:
The first woman Poet Laureate, Carol Ann Duffy =
Literary flop, and somewhat unfortunate face!

Larry Brash with:
John Reginald Halliday Christie =
Is hanged in a jail. Cry, "Oh, thrilled!"

View with:
President Obama =
A most deep brain.

Adie Pena with:
Sir Elton Hercules John (a.k.a. Reginald Kenneth Dwight) =
Ah, just awe in England. He is the knighted rock 'n' roller.

Scott Gardner with:
The gymnast Nadia Comaneci =
An eye-catching maid's on mat.

Rosie Perera with:
Rev. Alberto Cutie =
Lover-curate, I bet.

Ellie Dent with:
Monsieur Claude Oscar Monet =
Art man used some nice colour.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Guillaume Francois Antoine Marquis de L'HÖpital =
Rule I: Math is equations, formulae and plain logic.

View with:
Katy Perry =
Perky, arty.

Rich Napier with:
Guus Hiddink =
Uh, kidding us?

Rosie Perera with:
The Defense Secretary Robert Gates =
Battered, teary, he confesses regret.

Scott Gardner with:
Impressionist Claude Oscar Monet =
Sunrise comes... paint a colored mist.

Chris Chatfield with:
Sir Arthur Stanley Eddington ~
sighted yonder lunar transit.

Scott Gardner with:
Christina Rossetti =
Artistic... or isn't she?

Dee4j with:
Sonia Sotomayor =
I say so, to a moron.


THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Scott Gardner with:
A Pentium central processing unit =
Set in place, it's running a computer.

2nd - Adie Pena with:
Webster's Dictionary =
Basic word entry site.

Eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The Virgin Atlantic Flying Without Fear Courses =
In one visit, we can at last cure your flight fright!

Eq3rd - View with:
The Penguin Dictionary of Proverbs =
Content: providing you brief phrase.

Eq3rd - Paul Laskoski with:
Colonel Sander's Kentucky Grilled Chicken =
Still only cock knuckle drenched in grease.

Vai Sicanema Akhenaten with:
The Council on Foreign Relations =
Innocent? Felonious or lethargic.

View with:
Only few like ~
Yellowknife.

Paul Laskoski with:
Let's rip ~
Triple S.

Rosie Perera with:
American Recovery and Reinvestment Act =
Money can't revive certain car tradesmen.

Rick Rothstein with:
The US Postmaster General =
Letters/stamps are enough.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Saturday Evening Post =
Ah, US poetry and vignettes!

Scott Gardner with:
McDonald's restaurant =
Car lot, standard menus

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Space Shuttle Atlantis Ó
Pass tile test at launch.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Space shuttle Atlantis =
US plant attaches tiles.

Scott Gardner with:
The Apostolic Palace =
Papal See, to Catholic.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Serengeti National Park =
Neat elephant region at risk.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Victoria Falls National Park =
I'll plan hot safari trek vacation.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Virgin Atlantic Flying Without Fear Course =
So, clarify -- what if I regurgitate lunch into vent?

Vai Sicanema Akhenaten with:
Sodom and Gomorrah =
Good! Harm sad moron.

Rosie Perera with:
The many naive cadets saluted at ~
the United States Naval Academy.


THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Rosie Perera with:
Miss California's breast implants funded by pageant=
And it seems super big tits and small brain can pay off.

2nd - Larry Brash with:
The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland =
The former big-hearted land turned into a drinking nation.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Sandro Botticelli's famous painting 'The Birth of Venus'. =
A prim, so-cute virgin stands in the buff (in a shell, to boot!)

Dharam Khalsa with:
Quote by President Barack Obama: "I'm pleased with the progress we've made, but I'm not satisfied." =
He is upbeat, not a pessimist, despite mad debate, windbag quarrels, overwork, bit of mayhem, etc.

Rick Rothstein with:
A Britain's Got Talent contestant, ten-year old Hollie Steel =
Note: Little girl, on a roll and, as yet, not a teen, is the best act.

Dharam Khalsa with:
John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Starr =
My stern parents' horror and anger on hallucinogenic jargon.

Adie Pena with:
The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals =
Isn't creative Runner a hit? Hefty Acme item falls on poor Coyote!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Federico Fellini's most famous achievement, "La dolce vita" =
The Cannes Film Festival five-decade memorial is out. Cool!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers." - Mahatma Gandhi =
And hey, I hope he'd agree to ban the quarrelsome prevaricating FOX TV empire personality!

David Bourke with:
Manchester United lose the Champions League final to Barcelona =
In reflection, no panache. The laughable team's outclassed in Rome.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Chimpanzee Politics: Power and Sex among Apes by Frans de Waal =
A few bad pampered pet animals can explain why Congress is zoo

Dean Mayer with:
Bill Cash refuses to quit over expenses claims for rent for his daughter's flat =
He expresses unequivocal, crass belief in right to stuff all that reform dross

db with:

The leader of the Conservative and Unionist Party
of Great Britain, David William Donald Cameron, MP
=
Tainted! A conniving toad had a bill approved to
remove wisteria from a chimney...an utter fiddle. Snarl!


THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Money, get away
Get a good job with more pay and you're ok.
Money it's a gas
Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash
New car, caviar, four star daydream,
Think I'll buy me a football team.=
A poem by Obama

Oh, there once was that kindly Obama
Who was stuck in a debt-braving drama:
"I had yearned so for majesty,
Now I get a calamity!
George, you ghastly lad, thanks for THAT trauma!"

2nd - Ellie Dent with:
Money, get away
Get a good job with more pay and you're ok.
Money it's a gas
Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash
New car, caviar, four star daydream,
Think I'll buy me a football team.
=
Money, money, money,
Must be funny, in
A rich mans world.* Great,
As thickhead MPs
Cheat or grab, just *take*
A salary today,
That is bad. I have to go
To work all day to get
A fair wage... Ah, how mad.

*Abba

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Money, get away
Get a good job with more pay and you're ok.
Money it's a gas
Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash
New car, caviar, four star daydream,
Think I'll buy me a football team.
=
They took away my daydream
Via a money-grabbing scheme,
Fast as a handbag switcheroo;
'Airtight' bank guarantee, too!
Made me just want to holler:
"That's why a pyramid on back of a US dollar!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
Workaday, it's no joy,
American managers budgeting to destroy.
Workaday, as able,
Obama single-payer healthcare off the table.
So kid, thumb that mammoth highway.
Tour on, vast Canada way.

Rosie Perera with:
No money. Can't get away.
Lost my job, no severance pay.
No money to buy gas, Lord.
A stock market tumble wasted my hoard.
Head to a bar? Bad start.
Hawaii (it's warm)? A gaffe!
Right, kid. I laugh.
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Began a Harvard school ad:
"Great job marketability".
Here, a factual want ad:
"Pay commensurate with ability".
Ah, the message of dismay:
"Thanks, but no work today!"
How many good men go astray?

Adie Pena with:
TO A TWIT
(A message from a B. H. Obama)

A mighty country so greatly abundant
Had a malady so awkwardly malignant:
Chief Bush (what a joke!)
Got everyone broke,
A myopic shithead so retardant!

David Bourke with:
Amidst the Shame (a homage to a tyrant)

You're an idiot, I'm afraid, Gordon Brown,
A fantasist, a shambles, a clown.
Aye, a very haggard jock,
A "sweaty" all mock,
A PM that brought the U.K. down.

Bye bye!

View with:
Aha, that economy crisis worldwide!
Aha, many banks misguide
America, UK and Japan -
A huge mess had began!
And who able to fathom a mystery,
To free that vagary-tort totally?
Go to work, baby!

Rosie Perera with:
How, this damn bad year?
Remarkably, George Bush awoke,
believed some handy fallacy about many weapons of mass destruction,
got a majority to hand him a war to attack a tyrant.
A high tag.

Tony Crafter with:
Fat-cat bankers, politicians galore,
Mad, gay tyrants, that Afghan war,
How sad, too bad they made us broke.
Agony, trauma, a shabby joke,
Truly, now, I need good cheer:
That's why I love 'Mamma Mia'!

Ellie Dent with:
Dosh or boodle is a game they play
Dumb fat cats on trial, I say.
Forger to jackal, Yank or a Brit
Went on the grab, chum, admit it.
Means we saw vagabonds make hay.
No harm... you get ahead that way!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Money's no god.
Blame that gotcha banker?
Bah! Maya!
It just makes us more of who we already are.
Money's no devil.
A tightwad hag attracts it?
Bah! Maya!
Work, spend it charitably, and you go afar.

Dharam Khalsa with:
At that faraway landmark conference,
Obama bragged that a shaky world economy
is like a wounded but stable patient.
I may say, "Oh, good", but most say,
"What? It's major heavy haemorrhaging!"

Rosie Perera with:
My paw taught, a way back:
The love of money is the root of all that's loathsome.
Thy greed is injurious, a damn tragedy, a canker.
Anyway, whether at a bank boardroom, a gaming scam,
it's bad, bad!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Whaddya say? Broke? To abstain from a salary
Made man avoid what's too high-calorie
No payday wealth
Can say "better health" ...
Time to jog won from a budget cut
May shrink a mega banker's gut!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Obama, judicious,
As a hawk attorney;
Obama, not vicious,
Flaky or greedy;
Obama, senatorial
As that myth Kennedy;
Obama, admirable,
Warm chats, help of worthy;
And what strength!
(Gagged yet?)

Rosie Perera with:
A Ballad

GM, Ford and Chrysler ask:
"Where do I get money, Mama?"
To respond, that is just my task:
"From Barack Obama!"
A tacit George Bush gave it away
In an unhealthy way.
What a yahoo!
In debt, too.

Dharam Khalsa with:
American Dream? What a joke!
You gotta be asleep to believe that.
Comfortable night, but awoke
Hot, haggard man chasing a rat.
Says wryly, "Ma, afraid it's Monday."
My husband has no work today.

Adie Pena with:
That petty wino hoodwinked our America,
Gloomy Nevada to downcast Nebraska;
That bugger shyly mismanaged America,
Harsh Alabama to wintry Alaska.
Hey, a job for the gutsy, deft Obama!

David Bourke with:
Laughing hysterically,
A wealthy banker,
A fat hedge fund manager,
What arrogant wankers.

I've a job to do...
I take my warm automatic.
No mo' sympathy.
Shoot. Shoot 'em dead.
Ciao, baby!

Bastards.

David Bourke with:
Got any dough for my adorable family?
Dosh? Moolah? Ackers? Wedge? Shekels?
I that am but a Manhattan bank manager,
In this abject poverty, nowadays.
A tragicomedy? Or obituary?
What a waste.

Rosie Perera with:
No work, pay was hammered.
A castaway, a bag lady.
Weak, shabby, a chasm at my table.
Reduced to trash to eat.
Thus, I am going to the bread line,
Salvation Army,
Food for the Hungry.
I am not joking!

Paul Pan with:
Money, get away
An investor buys a damn costly asset that he may hawk back to any greater fool at a higher price.

"What a sham idea! I may be a mean gambler, I'm no daft ga-ga dodo. Your bloody junk's worth twat!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
A young stockbroker in his prime
(What a start!)
Now has to shyly beg for a dime;
He gambled away a lady's money
On a vacant 'boatload' of honey,
But a magistrate judged that a crime.
(What karma!)

Dharam Khalsa with:
A majority of the anagrams today
Are about global money wastage,
With loss, damage and trauma.
So, catch my bright idea:
Watch for a Walt Disney-type drama,
"Honey, I've shrunk the bank book!"

Rosie Perera with:
A bad saga: Using a giant pyramid scheme,
That scary yahoo "Madoff" with my money.
Aha! Was a terror, a shame.
Ah, I long to get even, but no way.
Better to just work bloody hard and make it all back.


Dean Mayer with:
Oh it's a kacked-up land today of mammon-grabbing today
"We-want-it-all-right-now" back-stabbing you today
Are we a mess? Ah yeah
Made homeless? Ah yeah
From a gravy-train to just a tractor, eh?

Dharam Khalsa with:
As the "Jabberwocky" author says:
"'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe."
Ah, a metaphor anagram:
Many a Madoff took money at a scam,
To wake on a rough day at court!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Credit Card Bills at a home near you
Red Rags Left on my mat too
Everybody Using Us (paranoia)
Do Not Eat that GM soya
I Can Say gwb jokes ha ha ha
That Half-tight mawk women make a bawdy bar.


THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
A SHORT LOVE STORY.

A man and woman who'd never met before, and who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Although decidedly uneasy over having to share the compartment, they were both rather tired and dropped off to sleep quickly...

He was in the upper bunk and she was in the lower bunk.

Shortly after midnight, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman, whispering, "Sorry to bother you, but would you mind reaching into the bedside closet to get me a second blanket? I'm feeling rather cold."

"Oh, but I have a much better idea," she purred. "Just for this one night, let us pretend that we're married to each other."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he replied delightedly.

"Right," she said. "Find your own f***ing blanket."

After a brief silence, he farted.

THE END

=

A BEDTIME TEASER.

After twenty years of marriage, a couple were lying in bed one night, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in a way he hadn't for some time.

He started to caress her hair and neck, then began to move down. He stroked her shoulders, then smoothly worked his way down over her breasts, stopping just by the lower abdomen area. He then placed a hand on her left arm, moved it titillatingly alongside her breast again, working down over her buttock, leg, calf and feet to the toes. Then, he proceeded to trail it up her inner leg, stopping at the top. He continued in a similar manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled back and started to watch the TV.

Having become quite aroused, the wife murmured amorously, 'Oh man, that was wonderful! But why did you stop?'

He replied, 'I found the remote'.
?

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The American Dream

An American business consultant on vacation was lolling on the pier of a coastal Mexican village, when a small boat with a solo fisherman docked. Inside the boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the lucky Mexican man loudly on the size and quality of his tuna fish.

"How long did it take you to catch them?" the American queried.

"Only a little while," the Mexican man replied.

"Golly, why don't you stay out longer then and catch more fish?" the curious man asked.

"I have enough now to support my own family's needs," the lowly Mexican answered.

The American man asked, "What do you do with all the rest of your time?"

The lowly fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, stroll into the village each evening, where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, seľor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you with a sound solution. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat. Then with the proceeds from the large boat you could buy several bigger boats. Finally, you would have a whole fleet of fishing boats."
~
"To emphasize my overview, instead of selling off your catch to a middleman, you would sell it direct to the consumers, eventually opening your own commercial tuna factory. You would control the hand labor done, mechanical processing, and distribution. You'd leave this small coastal fishing village and head off to Mexico City, the Bahamas, then LA, and finally off to a NYC home, where your famed expanding enterprise would be based."

The meek fisherman asked, "Whew, seľor, how long will this all take?"

The American said, "Oh, maybe twenty years."

"What then?" the Mexican questioned.

The American laughed, "Ha, ha, ha! That's the best part. When the time is right you will announce an IPO (Initial Public Offering) and sell your company stock to the public, becoming very rich. You would amass millions!"

"Millions, seľor? Then what?" the Mexican asked.

The American hemmed and hawed and said quite slowly, "Then (ahem) you would retire... head off to a small coastal fishing village... where you would sleep late...fish a little... play with your grandbabies...take a siesta...stroll to the village in the evening with your faithful wife...have some wine...and maybe play a guitar with your amigos..."

3rd - Adie Pena with:
During a recent visit to a mental asylum, I asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not one should be locked up in this institution?"

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a huge bathtub then we offer a teaspoon, a small teacup and a large bucket to a patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

=

"Oh, isn't that remarkable theoretically?" I admitted. "A normal one, anytime, would use the bucket because it's bigger; and the battiest, flakiest person, the minute spoon or the teacup."

"No, thickhead!" the authoritative Director huffed. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near this window?"

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Bottle of Wine

To all of you who are married, wish that you weren't, will be married soon, or never want to wed, this gem is sure to make you start giggling the next time you see a bottle of wine.

Sally was driving the stretch home to Colorado from a Flagstaff, Arizona business trip, when she was distracted by an elderly Navajo woman wrapped in a thunderbolt blanket walking on the side of the road.

As the last stretch was quite boring, Sally stopped and asked the old woman if she would like a ride.
The grandmotherly Navajo woman gave a silent nod of thanks, then climbed in.
~
Resuming the drive, Sally tried to make a bit of small talk with this Navajo woman. The old woman, culturally of few words, sat beside her in silence, looking around the car, staring at everything she saw, studying every small detail, until she noticed a brown paper bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What is in bag?" the old woman asked quietly.

Sally looked down at the brown freezer bag and answered, "That? A bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The serious Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the wisdom of a prophetic elder, she offered:

"Good trade....."

Rosie Perera with:
"We are cautiously optimistic that this particular strain will not be more severe than a normal seasonal flu outbreak." (Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano)

=

See, I told you so! It's just that everyone in our recalcitrant urban area likes to attract a mortal panic. Malaria will butcher many more people this season than "swine" flu.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.

=

Not the Post Office motto, an ancient epithet from Herodotus on rough riders ferrying in slow mail thrown on Persian horses.

Ellie Dent with:
A SPRING VIEW

Though a country be sundered, hills and rivers endure;
And spring comes green again to trees and grasses.
Where petals have been shed like tears
And lonely birds have sung their grief.
After the war-fires of three months,
One message from home is worth a ton of gold.

I stroke my white hair. It has grown too thin to hold the hairpins any more.

=

WINTER

'Oh God!' cries the soldier hoarsely, a broken cripple,
'Forgive us our trespasses, and our transgessors...'
but falters, haemorrhaging, then dies.
The final enduring sleep. Twilight everywhere.
Many think a dishonest, a greedy government has
been mad to send him to the front.

A grieving old woman sees her hero... or was that a shadow of him, then, in a fire

Adie Pena with:
First of May


THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
AUSSIE RECRUIT'S LETTER HOME.

This is a text of a letter from an excited young army-recruit from Eromanga, to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum and Dad,

I'm very well. Hope youse are very well too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settlin in at first, because ya don't have to get outta bed until six in the mornin. But I like sleeping in now, coz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and polish ya boots and clean off ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin! Ya haz ta have a shower though, but I've decided it's not too bad, coz there's loadsa hot water and even a light so's ya can see what ya's doing!

At brekky ya get the choices of cereals, fruits and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like Mum makes. Ya don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the pansy city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - but, jeez it's only like strollin to the old windmill in the back paddock!

Oh, yeah - this one'll kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep gettin bloody medals for shootin - I dunno why.
~
They reckon I'm good as any top marksman! But the bullseye's as big as a possum's bum and it don't move away and it don't fire back like the Wallmans did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!

All ya gotta do is just make yourself comfy, aim and hit the target. It's a piece of piss! Ya don't even load your cartridges, they come in little boxes, and ya don't have ta steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shootin' truck when ya reload!

Sometimes you gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fightin with Doug and Phil and Monkey and Joe and Kenny and Wozza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer neither. Looks like I am the best we got in our platoon at the moment, and I've only been beat once, by some bloke from the Engineers squad - he's six-foot-four tall and weighs nineteen stone and he's three pick handles across the shoulders. As ya know I'm only five-foot-five, and seven stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off, still punchin, to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the lads ta get in the queue quick before word gets around how bloody good it all is.

Well, gotta go now, Mum and Dad.

From your loving daughter,

Sheila

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Right Said Fred

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
Where the Sidewalk Ends

Dharam Khalsa with:
On May Morning

Dharam Khalsa with:
Scrabble Limerick

Adie Pena with:
To The First Robin

Dharam Khalsa with:
Scrabble Limerick


THE RUDE CATEGORY

1st - Adie Pena with:
Practised fellatio =
Delicate art of lips.

2nd - View with:
Bare-chested =
Cedes the bra.

3rd - Neil Ramsay with:
Howling "No.... There!" =
In the wrong hole.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The female orgasm ~
has mom feel great.

Rick Rothstein with:
The female orgasm =
A "Me! Me!" for the gals.

Hans-Peter Reich with:
Being out of luck =
Too fucking blue.

David Bourke with:
A morning erection =
On no geriatric men.

Dharam Khalsa with:
One sailor has hotel mixup =
Homosexual relationship.

Paul Laskoski with:
Lovely fart tune =
"O, very flatulent".

David Bourke with:
White presence? ~
Wipe the screen!

Tony Crafter with:
The Susan George nude scenes in 'Straw Dogs'. =
Wasn't she gorgeous, seen acting undressed!

Meyran Kraus with:
National Masturbation Month =
Tout abnormal onanism in that.


The Anagrammy Awards