HE'S STONE-AGE!
(Features an artless nineteen-year-old and eerie senior)

Playboy centrespread,
That is what I am;
Curvy, cute and blonde,
Eager to respond,
Gentle as a lamb.

I am just nineteen,
A sexy pussycat,
My guy's name is Hugh,
Over eighty-two,
Fertile as a rat.

Never I'll be sad
Ever I'll be true
He's so great in bed
Wants us to get wed
Have ten babies (true!)

He is neat and suave,
Cool as any cat,
Serenades my breasts
Calls them turbo-jets
But no, I don't mind that!

Let us marry soon (get us married fast!)
At least before he's dead,
Then I'll get the cash,
Jesus, it's a stash!
It's a lotta bread!

I'm nineteen and swell,
He's as old as hell,
Beauty and a beast.

ALWAYS KEEP ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF A WIFE.
(A Meek and Mild Duo).

Some wives are just no good,
And you'd leave 'em if you could,
But other times they can be quite all right,
So, if you want to wring her neck,
Simply stop, say, "What the heck,"
And think of all you'd lose if she weren't here...

Always keep on the right side of a wife...
Always look at the good things, not the strife...

If she's just crashed the car,
And you judge she's gone too far,
Just shrug and say it's not her fault, no doubt,
For if you get uptight
You'll not get your bedroom rights,
And surely this is what life's all about?

Ah, always keep on the right side of a wife...
Always look at the good things, not the strife...

A wife should be much fun,
The one you love, a chum,
Although the pair of you are leagues apart;
You'll forgive her silly flaws, long as she still does the chores,
And can cook a lovely meal to fill your tum!

Oh, always keep on the right side of a wife...
Always look at the good things not the strife...

A wife'll make you sick,
When you think of it,
You'd sooner be out bumming with your mates,
But, if your ear she's nibbling,
And your chin is really dribbling,
And it's thrilling and she's willing ... hell it's great!

Always keep on the right side of a wife...
(Sing along, husbands!)
Always look at the good things not the strife...
(Come on men, enjoy being conjoined!)
Always be on the right side of your wife,
(Join in, you full-blooded males; no shirking!)
Always look at the good things not the strife...
(Blimey, no-one's infallible, allow her an occasional mistake!)
I'll always be on the right side of the wife!

A FALSE GOD OF FAME
The Epic Tale of Fred 'The Shred' Goodwin

Right said Fred,
Got to get ambitious,
Got to build our Banking empire up.

Have to do more
So that we accrue more,
We'll bid low for NatWest,
Then we
Can
Add another Bank.

Ah
Right said Fred
Now we've added NatWest
I've decided that I can be God.

We are rich, ah
And the bigger picture
Is we could be top-dogs,
We have
To
Do another deal ... though

I'm not laughing, now that overstaffing,
Is eroding profits,
I think we ought to stop it,
Ah! Some staff I'll shed,
'Cos I am Fred the Shred!

Ah ...
Right said Fred,
Now we've chopped the deadwood,
How can we continue with the growth? Huh?

Aha! I know!
There's a bank called AMRO;
Do you think an offer's unwise?
But faint heart never won a single thing!
(And so Fred
Did buy).

Ha
Ha! said Fred,
Now we're heading somewhere,
Though there's one thing that we have to do.

Have to shed staff,
Cut them half of one half,
After that, then off we can
Go and
Add
Another Bank.

Ah ...
Right said Fred,
We have to develop,
Have to do another mega-deal.

We are growing,
But the flaws are showing,
Things are getting muddled
And so
We
Have to cut the staff.

Ah, the dirt's hit the fan, and it don't look good,
The situation's global,
They think that it could snowball,
We will offload staff,
Oh ... at least another half.

Oh
Hell! said Fred,
Got to dive for cover,
RBS is going to the dogs.

Feel the tension,
Need to take a pension,
Find a place where I can lie low;
I'll hotfoot off to take up a new career,
And I'll take
The dough!

ISLAND IN THE MIRE
Gordon Brown - Hero or Clown?

When he named himself new PM, Gordon Brown,
The only way was up and so he took us down!
We were hanging here,
Not knowing what was going on.
Everything he did, he said, was all for us,
When we hooted, "Gordon, no! We have no trust!"
He whined, "Don't shoot me!
Tony Blair caused our decline.
"Everyone was blind
To the global situation,
The USA and Asia, the European nations,
Yet we can save it together, ooh hoo,
We can rough it together, aha.

"Island in the mire,
That is what we are,
Yet, we've British fire,
We can still go far,
You can move away
To a greener land
But it won't be like Blighty, oh ho,
No it won't be so mighty, oh ho

"I shall save the nation if I get your vote,
Be the cooler Captain on the Labour boat,
We can rule the waves,
Negotiate the financial oceans.

"Iraq, Iran, the warfare in Afghanistan
There's so many challenges, but I've a plan
That can save the world,
Generating extra growth, too!

"Me? Incompetent?
Never! I deny it!
I'll beat insolvency;
New wealth for you and me!
'Cos I'm the redeemer, ooh, hoo
Oh, I'm the redeemer, aha.

"Island in the mire,
That is what we are,
Yet, we've British fire,
We can still go far,
You can move away
To a greener land,
But it won't be like Blighty, oh ho,
No it won't be so mighty aha.
Oh it won't be old Blighty oh ho,
No it won't be so mighty aha.

FOR MY FAMILY IF, IN DEATH, I'M NEVER FOUND.
By
A First World War Soldier.

What a dream I had
In my trench last night,
I was home again,
With you, my bonny wife,
And no war in sight.

We skipped through poppy fields, here
In our wonderland,
I held your lovely face
In my joyful hands,
As I dreamed on.

Kathy, our bairn was there,
Young, fresh and apple-cheeked
In her pale-yellow dress,
We all played hide and seek, there
In the pure night...

Now, rudely I wake
To sounds of shells and guns,
I hear the yell ... "Attack!"
And I start to run
Out into the dark;
Oh, God save my world!

NINNIES AND NONENTITIES

There is a house in Windsor, Berks
A noble sight to see!
And it's been the mansion for many a long year,
Of a Royal Family.

The mother rules a kingdom,
Oh, England is its name;
The father is a moaning man,
And he's a Royal pain.

Now the only thing with kingdoms is,
They cost a lot to run,
So, we're the ones who foot the bill,
While those ninnies have the fun.

(ease-in solo )

Ma'am, now let me tell you,
About the credit crunch,
And how we dwell in penury,
As you folks eat your prawns for lunch.

Oh, I got one hand round a pistol,
The gun's held to my brain,
The mortgage lenders have foreclosed,
My job's gone down the drain.

That mansion-house in Windsor, Berks
Is where I wanna be,
A Royal union rules within,
And we're nonentities.