JANUARY 2011 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2011

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Scott Gardner with:
A vodka martini shaken, not stirred =
That is a drink one movie star drank.

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
A great new movie "The King's Speech" =
Theme is when George VI can't speak.

3rd - Ivan Andonov with:
Philip Seymour Hoffman =
I'm hero of unhappy films.

Harshal M. with:
The Yellow Submarine =
My role was in the Blue!

Adie Pena with:
"Gulliver's Travels," a motion picture in Three-D =
The stranger came on ride to survive Lilliput.

Adie Pena with:
"Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde" =
And sadly changed merry self to jerk.

Harshal M. with:
Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti =
It made fair solo.

Tony Crafter with:
William Shakespeare's 'The Taming Of The Shrew' =
Theme is: waspish female Kate losing her wrath.

Don Rogers with:
Chief Inspector Clouseau =
Act uses French police? "Oui!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Always look on the bright side of life" -- Monty Python =
Folk song line on the optimist (foolhardy, by the way).

Tony Crafter with:
Simon and Garfunkel's 'Bridge Over Troubled Water' =
Trademark song about river's bleeding underflow!

View with:
Last tango in Paris =
Italian's stag porn.

Ellie Dent with:
'Love built on beauty, soon as beauty, dies' (Donne) =
I see beyond yon ode about unsubstantial love.

Ellie Dent with:
A French Impressionist =
Hint: scene is from Paris.

Andrew Brehaut with:
See Nadal hit tennis lob =
It lands on the baseline.

Scott Gardner with:
Metamorphoses =
Oh, master's poem!

Scott Gardner with:
Broadway musical "Lestat" =
Was absolutely dramatic

Rosie Perera with:
The all-time favorite Broadway musicals =
My oral list would be: "Cats," "Evita," "Fame," "Hair."

Dean Mayer with:
Talent show auditions =
I so want that delusion.

Harshal M. with:
Leonardo da Vinci's "Vitruvian Man" =
Marvelous and vivid incarnation.

Scott Gardner with:
The Italian Renaissance sculptor Michelangelo =
One sacral mural on ceiling at the Sistine Chapel.

Adie Pena with:
Actors Emily Deschanel and David Boreanaz =
I'd analyze the cold cadavers in 'Bones' drama.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"The Complete Works of William Shakespeare" =
The tome has appeal for slow limerick weeks!

Paul Pan with:
Singer Steven Patrick Morrissey =
Rock star in very pessimist genre.

David Bourke with:
The Dutch artist Pieter Cornelis Mondriaan =
Paint made in three rather distinct colours!

Rosie Perera with:
The Screen Actors Guild Awards =
&*%$ (lewd cuss)! I'd rather get an Oscar!

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Larry Brash with:
Australian Floods =
Our island's afloat!

2nd - Zoran Radisavlevic with:
The flooding in Eastern Australia =
Rain fell... A huge disaster to nation!

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
Rain, sleet, snow and ice =
Can see loads in winter.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Cold turkey leftovers =
Defrost lovely tucker

Rick Rothstein with:
Republicans' opinion? Cut ~
public insurance option!

Adie Pena with:
Twenty Eleven is the "International Year of Forests" =
Yes, new efforts to intentionally save entire earth.

View with:
More birds drop dead in US =
Odd end, a morbid surprise.

Rosie Perera with:
Tuscon shooter Jared Lee Loughner =
One cruel loner shot a judge, others.

Adie Pena with:
The journalist Carlos Antonio De Castro =
I'll castrate a darn tourist. Oh, no cojones!

Adie Pena with:
Sarah Palin's reality series "Alaska" is not renewed =
An earlier analysis: Her last episode was a stinker!

Adie Pena with:
A controversial "crosshairs" map ~
or Ms. Sarah Palin's corrosive act.

Dean Mayer with:
Fraudulent expenses claims =
MPs' finances elude tax rules.

Rosie Perera with:
Scan-proof undies ~
spread confusion.

Rosie Perera with:
Snow and/or ice present in 49 of the 50 U.S. states =
49-50 inch drifts seen out West. Not pear season!

Adie Pena with:
Shooting suspect Jared L. Loughner =
He'd go on super-long U.S. jail stretch.

Andrew Brehaut with:
Brisbane =
Rain ebbs

Harshal M. with:
Obama's third State of the Union Address =
That boss of the mad nation did reassure!

Scott Gardner with:
The Presidential State of the Union address =
It's dreadful ideas he presents to the nation.

Rosie Perera with:
Jean-Claude "Baby Doc" Duvalier returns to Haiti =
"I just love cholera, urban ruin, a debt, a dead city..."

Tony Crafter with:
Amanda Knox revisits court on latest appeal hearing =
DNA on stain shall prove I am not Perugia sex-attacker.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Bombing at Moscow's Domodedovo airport =
Boom, bang, doom amidst poor Soviet crowd.

Rosie Perera with:
"This is our generation's Sputnik moment." (Barack Obama) =
I notice the man's asking us to embark upon a Mars orbit!

Rosie Perera with:
President Obama's State of the Union Address =
Instead of our debt, man stressed hope. A saint!

Scott Gardner with:
President Obama's annual State of the Union address =
Rational man stands before stupid House and Senate.

Ivan Andonov with:
Chain reaction =
Chance in a riot.

Christopher Sturdy with:
HIV 'Whoonga' Drug Craze Grips South Africa =
A cravings war. Go out for such a prized high.

Rosie Perera with:
Crocodile swallows a cell phone; it starts ringing =
Well, now he's ill, sporting gastric "croc-a-dial tones."

View with:
The Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak ~
keeps denying riot in Arab state. Humph!

David Bourke with:
Egyptian democracy is a shambles ~
as a giant pyramid scheme close by!

View with:
U.S. Begins Evacuation Flights From Cairo =
Thus Americans leaving focus of big riot

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Adie Pena with:
Things You'll Need To Survive A Blizzard

1. Candles
2. Food and water
3. Batteries
4. Battery-operated radio
5. Emergency kit

=

Things You'll Need To Survive A Broken Marriage
1. Pizza
2. Beer
3. Flat
4. Deodorant and style
5. Dedicated two-bit secretary

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Since that dreadful snow came, all my wife does is look through the back window. If it gets any worse, I might have to let her in. =
After a wild, lost night out, Victor Chisler woke to find a scarily ugly woman beside him. It was then he knew he'd got home safe.

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
So, did you hear about the impending merger of Facebook, Twitter and YouTube? =
I doubt the buyer board, in regrouping, takes the doomed name of 'You Twit Face'!

Adie Pena with:
Whitechapel's Mary Ann Nichols, Annie Chapman, Elizabeth Stride, Catherine Eddowes and Mary Jane Kelly
=
Innocent ashen women were all crazily slashed by him: the hated "Jack the Ripper," an insane deadly maniac.

Rick Rothstein with:
The United States Congresswoman Gabrielle D. Giffords =
Sad deed... woman gets shot in brain, struggles for life, etc.

Adie Pena with:
January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November and December =
But I can remember very drab days ... much greenery ... enjoyable bustle ... a jar of pure jam ... autumn crop.

Rosie Perera with:
The National Strategy for Trusted Identities in Cyberspace =
A policy is strict, targets eBay: need an ID to surf the Internet.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Palin uses Crosshairs to identify Dems who voted for Health Care Reform =
Did her offensive map direct or rally the Tucson shooter's war? If so, shame!

Harshal M. with:
The Oscars' nominations will release on Tuesday, January twenty-fifth. =
Smart, unfinished, wealthy actors on a list enjoy one fairly new statue.

Andrew Brehaut with:
The owner of the social network Facebook - Mark Elliot Zuckerberg =
Bankable geek can rocket from zero to hit hero. "Fuck it!" we swore; lol.

Rosie Perera with:
"Obama is not a brown-skinned anti-war socialist who gives away free healthcare. You're thinking of Jesus."=
Sign seen at a rally. Oho, you fanatics, jerks, big Hawaiian mafioso, or Newt not invited. Bushwhackers were.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"My salad days,
When I was green in judgment, cold in blood,
To say as I said then!"
=
As any student,
I was jobless and had a shallow mind,
Ego denying mediocrity.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Have you ever wondered about folks who spend a lot of money on little plastic bottles of Evian water
~
to open a bottle or two of ten total mouthfuls?
Why is everyone fooled? Evian spelled backwards: naive.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Winter storm impacts Amtrak service north of New York =
Workers watch track from stop: "My train is NEVER on time!"

Ellie Dent with:
The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards. (Alexander Jablokov).
=

'A JOURNEY': exit Tony Blair, and bloodstained hands reveal a lot, knowing that war's right? The end.

Ivan Andonov with:
Underground hip hop artists that some young Americans are listening to =
I am reminding that an unruly antithesis to Snoop Dogg resurrects a hope.

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Ellie Dent with:
If you were given just one book to take for company on a desert island, what would you like this to be and why?=
"The Diary of Anne Frank", knowing a positive outlook would surely teach me how to be wise, beyond just today.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"If you were given just one book to take for company on a desert island, what would you like this to be and why?"
=
I know! I would seek to take one widely overrated autobiography of Bush just to clean my fanny in the woods!

3rd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
If you were given just one book to take for company on a desert island, what would you like this to be and why?
=
A New York phone book, to yield what bathroom tissue any don could need to live away weeks on just fig fruit

Tony Crafter with:
Er... 'How To Make A Boat Out of Driftwood?' You're joking! Why would I even be seen on that pesky island? It's lunacy.

Dean Mayer with:
'Cookery With Sand', 'Feed Me A Parakeet' or 'So Kid, You've Got No Sun Tan Lotion' would be justifiable. Why? Why not?

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Lumberjack Handbook". You'd want it too if you need ingenuity to hew/tie wood planks for a seaworthy vessel!

Adie Pena with:
We, too, pick the Holy Bible to ask of Your name, awoken with a devout joy, nurtured on endless days of waiting.

Dharam Khalsa with:
OK, a "Lord of the Rings" (in one pocket volume) Why? It would be a fine stowaway buddy to take on this sea journey.

View with:
Britannica, full new key edition. Heavy? Joke? No. Why? To ease tempestuous days or know how to build good raft.

Dharam Khalsa with:
I'd take Winslow's "Savages" on the retreat. Look, you'd only need that one with Jabberwocky if you found opium!

View with:
Are you joking, dud? So easy to fathom! Everyone will take the best option - unruly Face-BOOK and with Windows!

Dharam Khalsa with:
I might see and buy a "Wordsworth", hand-tweak sonnets in a notebook, purely to out-jockey all of you, if viewed!

Andrew Brehaut with:
- "Orb Names: A Journey into the Psychology of a Ball"
- "Huts Weaved out of Weed"
- "Trunk Wood Kiyaks: Twine Edition"

Dharam Khalsa with:
I'd tote no book, but I'd need to seek out a fine young Jack Sparrow.
Who? My hero!
Why? To duel a few nasty villains!

Rosie Perera with:
"How To Kill and Cook Out in the Wild: Keep Busy, Eat Great Stuff, and Enjoy Variety" by Rowan Simon O. Wodehouse.

Rosie Perera with:
Why, I would take food, water, and Proust, as I might actually finish, even enjoy, Book One by Week Ten outdoors.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Heroine of the Titanic: The Unsinkable Molly Brown" (Spunky widow took a fated voyage route; joy was doused.)

Rosie Perera with:
True, I do own a fauna guidebook; however would enjoy Monty Python: "A Sale of Two Titties" by Charles Dikkens.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Guidebook to Weak Binoculars", "Jolly Adventures with Apes", or "Whoa, Don't Feed Any of the Monkeys, You Nitwit!"

Tony Crafter with:
I'd choose a work by Shakespeare. Ok, I won't enjoy it unduly on emotion, but I'd get to have a wonderful fly-swat!

David Bourke with:
No, not ONE book title yet published - you do know how I'd rather if you gave me a new Kindle, just for castaways!

Harshal M. with:
I enjoy a school workbook, fortunately. Wide awake, doing this solid fun at my own speed. To buy utter heaven!

Christopher Sturdy with:
I know a key wood guide - Ray Mears' "Essential Bushcraft"
Not only keep alive, but enjoy wood with food to hunt!

Paul Pan with:
"I Love Fiji"
- Sole cookout for one, wet.
- Gnaw hot seaweed, yum.
- Utter: "No kayak ahoy!"
- Hand-print best buddy, Wilson.

Rosie Perera with:
The Essential World Atlas. Oho! I'd make a funky, puny, rickety boat, woven of joined weedy boughs, to row out in.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Want to know? I'd enjoy a funny, yet true, overlooked guidebook: "You Betcha! The Witless Wisdom of Sarah Palin".

Andrew Brehaut with:
You'd try the glum dictionary. See, I'd now have books that I know I enjoy and a few future books to open as well!

David Bourke with:
Why now, just one book I'd - and you did say "take"? -
'Chronology of Kleptomania'...but what use if it were ever stolen?

Larry Brash with:
Bible, Koran or a pious unwieldy Jewish tome? You'd need to cut that down to a few verses of a kinky anthology.

Rosie Perera with:
I'd not take any book! I'd just bring a pen and write my own story: of the outhouse (a hole), a weekly view of clouds, ...

Larry Brash with:
A few I'd enjoy:
"A Month Lost"
"Take-out Food Weekly"
"Use Pubic Wigs Now!"
"Toby's Holiday Adventure in North Korea"

Christopher Sturdy with:
"World of Anagrams" by the Serb we know.
Do you think I joke?
I elect a heavy duty weapon,
use it to stun lion/food.

Rosie Perera with:
Hey, obvious! Why not odious Funk & Wagnall's Encylopedia? It'd work better than jute wood to make a fire, no? Yes!

AlanY with:
I'd enjoy taking a cautionary Lord of the Flies: mob shouts, "Hunt down two boys!" Would it keep everyone awake!

Tony Crafter with:
I'd own Polly Burrough's sweet, one-off work: 'The Honey Boat' (new edition), just so I could 'ave my kayak and eat it!

Ellie Dent with:
Oh, I'd say a new notebook would suffice. A blank journal, one to keep. It is to write my thoughts down everyday.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"How to Make Seaweed Flapjacks"
"Why Send a Note in the Only Bottle?"
or
(Audio book) Identify Your Gut Virus Now!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Blue and Red Fairy Books, with Snow White (in one packet) to wave to my good old USA Yankee ties on July Fourth!

Dharam Khalsa with:
I took a new-found "Playboy". You know the reason--not to view; I just read the few good articles, like my husband!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Okay, I'd take Defoe's Robinson Crusoe, just to hoodwink any ugly, awful native who wanted to boil me, the prey!

Harshal M. with:
I know! I devote to a jolly published Face-book of sweet nature. (And no rusty homework is due tonight anyway.)

Ivan Andonov with:
Fiction genius like Fyodor Dostoevsky, I bet? Orwell? No, sunbathe to death on a too warm June day! Why wake up?

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
Late one night an old lady rang her vet and asked him the best way to separate a pair of copulating dogs.

"I'd say your best bet is to try prising them apart with a stick," he said.

A few minutes later, the old lady rang back saying the stick hadn't worked and could he advise something else.

"Oh, I dunno," said the vet, "You could try throwing water over them, perhaps?"

A few minutes later the lady phoned again. Unfortunately, the water had not done the job and she asked if there was anything else she could try.

"Go and tell one of the dogs it's wanted on the phone," said the vet, now becoming rather annoyed.

"Huh? That's a bit of an unusual remedy!" said the old lady. "Will it work?"

"Well," the vet replied, "it's already worked three times with me."

=

The elderly lady was standing at the cruise ship's railing clutching her hat to her head to stop the wind blowing it away.

A gentleman approached the aged female and said, "Pardon me, madam; I don't wish to appear forward, but did you know that the whole of your dress is billowing up in the wind?"

"Yes, I did know that 'detail'," she stated. "However, I need to have both hands free to hold onto the hat."

"But madam, you must realise that you are not wearing knickers and that your privates are on full view to all the deck's passengers!" entreated the gentleman.

The lady glanced down, then looked back at the gentleman. "Sir," she retorted flakily, "anything you see down there is seventy-five years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

2nd - Larry Brash with:
The Headache

A married couple were invited to this really swanky costume party. The wife had gotten a bad headache and told her husband to go on to the party on his own.

Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said: "I will have to take some aspirin and go to bed." and then said that he did not need his good time spoiled by him not going.

Taking his costume with him, away he went. After sleeping very soundly for an hour, the wife awoke without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party herself.

As her husband did not know what costume she would be wearing, she thought she would have some good fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not there with him.

She joined the party and soon found her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every sexy woman he could find, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

=

His wife sidled up to him and as she was a rather seductive babe herself, her husband left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new chic babe that had just strolled in.

Off they went to one of the cars and had a loud hot passionate session.

A little before they unmasked at midnight, she slipped away, went home, hid her costume away and went to bed, wondering what explanation he would have for his behavior and acts.

She was sitting up reading when he arrived, and she asked what kind of night he had.

He said: "Oh... the usual thing. You know I do not have a good time when you're not there."

"Did you dance a lot?"

"You know, I did not dance one dance, though when I got there, I met Pete, Charles Schorsch, his Dad, Greg, Bill Browning and some other golf guys, so we went to the den and played poker all night.

But, wow, you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I had loaned my costume to...."

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Ole and Lena: What to Do When it Snows in Minnesota
One winter morning in Minneapolis, Ole and his wife Lena were listening to the radio during breakfast and they heard the announcer say, "We are going to have eight to ten inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife Lena went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting ten to twelve inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Lena went out and moved her car again.
~
A few days later, they were again sharing breakfast, when a news announcer commented, "We can expect over twelve to fourteen inches of snow here today. This constitutes an unseasonable amount! You must park...."

Then the electricity went out. Lena got very upset and nervous. With a worried look on her face she said, "Oh no! I don't know what to do. Which side do I need to park on so the doggone snowplows are able to get through?"

With the genuine grace and understanding of all Minnesota husbands of Norwegian heritage who are married to innately strong women, he rose and replied in a tone of endearment, "Dear, why don't you leave it in the garage this time?"

Dharam Khalsa with:
Top Twelve Anagrammy Rankings

1. Tony Crafter
2. Meyran Kraus
3. Adie Pena
4. Dharam Khalsa
5. Andrew Brehaut
6. Scott Gardner
7. Ellie Dent
8. Rosie Perera
9. David Bourke
10. Chris Sturdy
11. Larry Brash
12. Rick Rothstein
=

1. Superlative yarn
2. Incredible
3. Firecracker
4. Smart lady
5. Not here enough (a dad)
6. Remarkable
7. Sedate
8. Observant and strict
9. Drunk merrymaker
10. Natty wit
11. Hardworking Aussie
12. Pornography star

Harshal?

Harshal M. with:
10 THINGS I LEARNED ABOUT ANAGRAMMY.COM AND ANAGRAMS

1. View's real name is Pinchas Aronas.
2. Tony Crafter deftly "specializes" in long anagramming.
3. Meyran Kraus is the total king of the website, even though he isn't the Awardsmaster.
4. The top three 'grams will go to the person's winner page.
5. You can self-nominate however much you want, but this does not help.
6. Dharam has only done this for about three years.
7. If a rediscovery is made, the friendly regulars mention it once. That's it.
8. Knowledge of a good primary subject is important.
9. Leader Board passwords are eight letters long, I think.
10. This is much better than anagramgenius.com!
=
10 THINGS I WONDER ABOUT ANAGRAMMY.COM AND ANAGRAMS

1. Should I monogram my name sometimes?
2. What category sounds the most reasonable for nominations? General?
3. Is there a page for Dan Etter points?
4. Dharam, do coherent, decent juniors with such faith get better fast?
5. Tony, do thick, lengthy stanza-grams to detail work pretty often?
6. View, will I ever unsheathe a handful of hidden 'grams elsewhere in the career, like you have found "ABC is basic"?
7. Is it possible that I speedily smash right up the chart?
8. Isn't using a generator wrong, worthless nonsense?
9. Am I still appropriately anagram-smart enough, Larry?
10. Can I ever beat King Mey??

View with:
Never be rude to an Arab,
An Israeli, or Saudi, or Jew,
Never be rude to an Irishman,
No matter what you do.
Never poke fun at a Nigger,
A Spik, or a Wop, or a Kraut,
And never put down...
=
Never be rude to a Spaniard
Never be rude to Roman (Italian)
To a German, to Russian, Korean
Peruvian, Hawaiian, Afghan
Just don't be rude, never kowtow!
Prepare your word, OK!?

Rosie Perera with:
"The anger, the hatred, the bigotry that goes on in this country is getting to be outrageous. Arizona I think has become sort of the capital. We have become the mecca for prejudice and bigotry." (Sheriff Clarence Dupnik, Pima County, Arizona)

=

Jared Loughner shot Gabby Giffords in the head and now everyone thinks egocentric Palin is the incitement. Theory: Her emphatic Tea Party office bought that bizarre crosshairs image, put a target about one citizen. A cuckoo outcome.

Andrew Brehaut with:
David received a parrot for his birthday. The bird was fully grown with an extremely bad attitude and vocabulary. Every other squawk was a terrible obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were, to say at the least, rude. David had tried very hard to discourage the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing placid music and anything else he could think of to chill the bird down. Nothing had worked. Unsure, he yelled at the parrot and the parrot screamed back with disdain. He shocked the bird and it got more angry and even more rude. Finally, in a moment of intense desperation, he placed the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments.

~

He heard the entrapped bird screech, kick, battle and scream- then suddenly, the parrot stopped and it was silent.

David, worried he may have hurt the old bird, bitterly jolted the freezer door open. The parrot gently crept out and warbled briskly "I believe I'm a fool. I was wrong and needlessly offended you with my tireless rotten language and several rude actions. I'll try at once to fix my behavior. I'm truly sorry and want your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's very big change in attitude and was about to enquire what had made such a dramatic change in his attitude, when the parrot next offered, "May I ask - what in the world did the chicken do?

Dharam Khalsa with:
An elderly woman decided to give herself a big treat for one of her significant birthdays by staying overnight in London's most expensive hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's quite a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly are not worth even £100 for an overnight stop, without any breakfast!"

The clerk told her that is the normal rate, so she insisted on speaking to the manager.

The manager, who had been quietly forewarned by the front desk, appeared and announced, "This hotel has an aquatic wing with an Olympic-sized pool, a masseuse, and a huge conference room which were available for you to use."

"But I didn't use them," the woman argued.

"Well, they are here, and you could have used them," explained the manager.
~
The manager went on to explain that she could have seen one of the special in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have all the best No.1-ranked performers from London, Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen," he began...

"I didn't attend any of the shows," she protested.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," said the manager dryly.

No matter what amenity or attraction he mentioned - recreation, sauna...even the kennel - she blocked him, replying, "But I didn't use it!"

The manager was insistent, so to not prolong this dialog, she groped for her pocketbook, scribbled a cheque, and turned it over to him.

He was angry when he examined the cheque. "This cheque is for £50!"

"Exactly! I charged you £200 for having kinky sex with me," the unfazed poker-faced woman stated.

"But I didn't!!" the manager said arrogantly.

"Well, I was here, and you could have."

Adie Pena with:
TOP 10 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS*

1. Spend More Time with Family and Friends
2. Fit in Fitness
3. Tame the Bulge
4. Quit Smoking
5. Enjoy Life More
6. Quit Drinking
7. Get Out of Debt
8. Learn Something New
9. Help Others
10. Get Organized.

=

TOP 10 REASONS I'M DRUNK

1. Fine Wine
2. Weekend Nights Off
3. Spirits
4. The Wife Left Me
5. Liquor Bottle
6. My Son Is Queer
7. Maryjane Shit Is Illegal
8. Not Dependent on Drugs
9. Booze-of-the-Day
10. Timing the Regurgitating Moment.

Adie Pena with:
Hurray! Our Top Twelve -- sharp and brainy anagrammatists, remarkably funny ass-kickers, underrated abecedarians and rare record-holders -- did it all here! They are ~
Tony Crafter, Meyran Kraus, Adie Pena, Dharam Khalsa, Andrew Brehaut, Scott Gardner, Rosie Perera, Ellie Dent, Larry Brash, David Bourke, Chris Sturdy and Neil Ramsay.

Dharam Khalsa with:
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, why don't all people assume that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,
~
dry cleaners depressed, blackboard teachers declassified, mum crop gardeners deflowered, bullies demeaned, and prostitutes delayed? I ask, can my own ongoing diet be decelerated?
Gosh, why not?!

Ellie Dent with:
Thanksgiving Poem

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Adie Pena with:
January 1939

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Your Song

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A girl asks her boyfriend Graham to come over Friday night to meet her parents and to have dinner with them.

Since it is such a momentous event, the girl announces to him that, after dinner, she would like to go out somewhere romantic and make love for the first time.

Graham is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he goes to the pharmacy to buy some condoms.

He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps him for about an hour, telling the boy everything there is to know about condoms and about sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks Graham how many condoms he would like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy settles on the family size because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, Graham turns up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Ooh, I'm so excited about you meeting my parents,' she says; 'come in!'

Graham goes in and is led to the dinner table where the girl's parents are already seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. About a minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head bowed.

Ten minutes pass and still no movement from him.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girl leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were so religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

=

Three McDonald's trade Executives are captured by tribesmen deep in an Amazon rainforest and taken to their chief.

"You very bad men!" says the chief, "destroy our forests. You shall be punished."

The 3 men look at each other apprehensively.

"You!" says the chief, pointing aggressively at the first man. "I let you choose. Death... or bum-bum!"

"I don't want to die!" shrieks the quaking man. "I don't know what this bum-bum is, but I'll take it!"

With that, 10 of the biggest, most strapping warriors grab the helpless man, throw him over a log and continue to roger him mercilessly for half-an-hour until he is a sad, bloodied wreck, then drag him away.

The chief looks at the second McDonald's man and says, "I give you same choice as him. Death or bum-bum!"

"Heck, what you did to my pal was horrific," gasps the distressed man, "but... I don't want to die either. I shall take bum-bum."

With that, 20 eager, strapping warriors grab the man, throw him over the same log, and roger him in the same, senselessly appalling manner for an hour, leaving him in a worse state than the first man.

The chief then turns to the last exec, who is the most senior of the three, and before he can speak, the man spits defiantly, "Kiss my ass! I will not experience the same sordid indignity as those spineless idiots! Death before dishonor, say I! Yes... I choose death!"

At that, a great cheer goes up from the tribe as they all roar as one: "Hooray! Death by bum-bum!"

Harshal M. with:
Brief cutout from The Thriller

Dharam Khalsa with:
There was a young lady named Rose
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
=
There was a grandpop named Reed
Who rode on Sal, a grey mulish steed.
The horse, Sal, saw the clover
She bent her head over;
Now Grandpop is a human topiary weed!

Dharam Khalsa with:
two poems by e.e. cummings

Harshal M. with:
A thorough list of ten lively masterworks nominated for the Best Picture Academy Award: =
10. Winter's Bone: So, a muddled mark, though it's totally worthy of fair reverence it came past.
9. Toy Story 3: Would remarkable animation captivate me? Render how the stuff's so great, child!
8. The Fighter: Stood around a pressed elementary combat; it actually works in favor with me.
7. The Kids Are All Right: Today, comfort was best employed in attractive new humour. No fears!
6. True Grit: Standard cowboy film. Heavy framework, plus that theater second-aisle emotion.
5. Black Swan: The R-rated films are too many, however, a precious statue entry might do. Fold it?
4. 127 Hours: How far Danny Boyle pledges uttermost theoretical drama-craft! No mistake, view it!
3. Inception: Totally massive breakthrough twentyfold. The famous director "dreams" aware!
2. The Social Network: Primarily featured a witty man's valor become sodden...? The star fought!
1. The King's Speech: May the best movie win! Rates to award. No dratted formula or foul. Clarity!

Harshal M. with:
Toy Story plot anagrammed into Toy Story 2 plot

Dharam Khalsa with:
Understanding Engineers
Two engineering students were walking their bicycles across the university campus when one asked, "Where did you get such a great bicycle?"

The second replied, "Well, I just was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful girl rode up on this bicycle, threw it onto the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

**************
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers ahead.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golfers!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Bob, what's up with that group ahead of us? They're incredibly slow!"

The greenskeeper answered, "Those are blind firemen. They all lost their sight saving the clubhouse from a fire last year, so we let them play anytime."

The entire group fell silent. The priest said, "That's sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

Next, the doctor said, "That's a great idea! I'm going to contact an ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do to help them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they golf at night?"
~
**************
To the happy optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the glum unhappy pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the critically-thinking engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

**************
What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.

**************
The graduate with a physics degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree prefers, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with the arts degree asks, "So, do ya' want fries with that?"

**************
Normally, many people believe the theory that if it ain't broke, don't fix it--why worry?
Oddly, engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

**************
A group of engineering students who study together pondered who designed the human body.

The first offered, "Presumably, it was a mechanical engineer, considering all those powerful joints."

The second responded, "Wrong! It was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has thousands of superb electrical connections throughout."

The final fellow, stopping to think for a long moment, answered dryly, "Oh, actually, it would have to be the civil engineer who designed the human body. What other foolhardy moron would run a hydrodynamic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Dharam Khalsa with:
Married in white, you have chosen all right.

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