Complete list of nominations for April, 2011

APRIL 2011 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2011

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
There are skinny boobs (.)(.)

There are larger boobs ( o Y o )

Cold boobs ( ^ )( ^ )

And floppy boobs { o }{ o }

And even those asymmetrical
boobs ( o )( . )
~
There are normal boobs ( . )( . )

Silicone boobs ( + )( + )

Perky boobs ( * ) ( * )

Perfect boobs ( o )( o )

Oh, yes...

And Grandma's boobs \./\./

(And they are lovely too!)

2nd - Ellie Dent with:
When you move home, I'm afraid that you'll find you're now left surrounded by great piles of boxes to be transplanted. =
You will not be able to find any ruddy thing! Before, for example, I am pretty sure we used to have a four months old son.

3rd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Edition Princess Catherine Engagement Doll =
I get a Middleton replica in eminent designer clothes.

Dharam Khalsa with:
How could the cowboy ride a steed to town Friday, stay two or three days, and then ride home again on Friday? =
He got to the city Sunday on board a hearty horse named Friday (tried to woo a rich widow), left on Wednesday.

Christopher Sturdy with:
If asked, most Frenchmen usually have but one egg for their tea. =
Bad if set more; after all, the one egg is un oeuf, thanks very much!

David Bourke with:
The Manchester United and England footballer Wayne Mark Rooney =
Our "gentleman", notably in three words? A "monkey-faced neanderthal"!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"All generalizations are false, including this one." - Mark Twain =
In general, when asked, zealots call rationalism infuriating.

Tony Crafter with:
Waking with a raging erection, the lord of the manor immediately summons his trusty valet, Jeeves.

"Bravo, my liege. Shall ~ I reveal the arousal to Lady Miriam?"

"That Miriam? Heck, never! Find my baggy shorts, Jeeves - we'll smuggle this one into town!"

Adie Pena with:
THE 5 LONGEST RIVERS IN THE WORLD
1. Nile
2. Amazon
3. Yangtze
4. Mississippi-Missouri
5. Yenisey
=
THE 5 NOISIEST LIVES
1. Gipsy
2. Military
3. Guzzler/Wino
4. Inmates
5. Persons Raised in NY Homes

Harshal M. with:
Why The Pirates are Roman
1. II, mateys!
2. Sailing over the C!
3. X marks the spot! =
GW is vomit!
1. Trim tax here?
2. A skyscraper loss!
3. "Hope THEY maintain the era."

View with:
The World's Friendliest Countries
1.Canada
2.Bermuda
3.South Africa
4.The US
5.Australia
=
1.Hard Cold Aura
2.Best Fruits Isle
3.Usual, Sad Heat
4.Freedom Aura
5.It was Rich Continent

Dharam Khalsa with:
Association for Healthcare Documentation Integrity (AHDI) =
Critical authority on right notation of each named disease.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?" =
Bud, I doubt if this oafish idea would get you a lady, you animal!

Larry Brash with:
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about". =
That blunt Wilde had been out kissing or bonking that teenage boy a lot.

Meyran Kraus with:
What do you call some insecure yet awful pro that was packing broth boxes as cargo in Philly, USA? =
Why, you should probably call that man a soup-encasing fragile Eastwick expert who's atrocious!

Rosie Perera with:
"We do not have time for this kind of silliness." (Barack Obama) =
Hawaiian: "I've mocked obstinate birthers, folks. Damn fools!"

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
"William and Kate: A Royal Love Story" by Christopher Andersen =
I tell why a star bride's to marry a prince and look so heavenly.

Rosie Perera with:
"If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?" (Sarah Palin) =
That is the reason I aim to shoot a mammal with a gun (not for homeland peace). Offended, dude?

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"Every autobiography is concerned with two characters, a Don Quixote, the Ego, and a Sancho Panza, the Self." W. H. Auden. =
And now, a quaint exchange:

Psychiatrist to schizo chap: "Aha! You are both cured then!"

"We are, and we never felt so good!"

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
"Every autobiography is concerned with two characters, a Don
Quixote, the Ego, and a Sancho Panza, the Self." W. H.
Auden. =
That uncrowned queen
A screen act
Yes, the eyes whose gaze
Lit up a paradox:
Oh, good. Or bad, wanton,
Rich, fat, vain. H-hic!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Every autobiography is concerned with two characters, a Don Quixote, the Ego, and a Sancho Panza, the Self." W. H. Auden. =
Ah, a "Who's Who" author conveyed coexistence: a quiet protagonist and a change, his flawed brazen counterpart Hyde.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Doing a candid account at the end of her reign, Queen Elizabeth wrote how chaps can savor her sexpot way as a youth

Ember Nickel with:
One heroic gal quests through a hazard and exceeds the nerves of her opponent.

Cutaway to: a widow in a yacht cabin.

Adie Pena with:
Oh, how I wanted to be a churchgoer's angel. And now, on the contrary, I have ended up as a crazy chap of exquisite taste.

Rosie Perera with:
Quite unexpected: Cervantes wrote his own, a cheery haphazard account of both a giant loony and his eager shadow.

Tony Crafter with:
"Zodiac fact: A shy Aquarian and extrovert Cancerian shouldn't be engaged."

"Why?"

"Unwise - the two oppose each other."

"Oh."

David Bourke with:
...and The Who concoct 'Quadrophenia' - whereby a naughty
teenage schizo has FOUR advanced personalities...two extra!

Adie Pena with:
Two chiefs, each one with an approach, do converge -- Webster (a handy "A to Z" lexicon) and Roget (quite a handy Thesaurus).

Christopher Sturdy with:
A duo:
Alexander the Great
Henry Heinz
Two historic dudes
Chap conquers Asia v A top bean act.
How few go on... they can!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Author: Honest Abe's wife, a schizophrenic, would go pay any extravagant cheque to connect her with a dear dead son.

Tony Crafter with:
Schizophrenia: When you get two vexed characters doing battle in a person's head. Ouch! What a quandary to face one.

Don P Fortier with:
So why not a Caped Crusader (a SuperEgo), then another a secret identity (an Anal Bozo) who'd have quiche watching Fox?

Adie Pena with:
Happy to favour and choose a worthy Clint Eastwood then enthuse; and ax quite a bad choice, Arnie Schwarzenegger.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Dr. Brash: "Oh, I analyze with a caveat how and to what extent Freud's Id/Ego/Super-ego equation can encroach on psyche."

Larry Brash with:
O then, what change we? Good or bad, quiet or excited, sad or happy, sane versus crazy, a Catholic nun not a heathen wife?

Brandon with:
Each superhero has a bizarro copy, exactly anti. Question: How, then, can we ID cad? Duh, gents oft have goatee drawn on.

Harshal M. with:
CONTRARY:
Hazardous - Safe
Opaque - Clear
Exciting - Downcast
White - Shady
Now - Then
Vague - Open it
Headache - No bother

Ellie Dent with:
What we can expect: a quote on analysis, the odd observing the id, for the author chap can argue how anyone is crazed.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Expect such a quote?
Where to begin...
Add a handy note?
Yes, as to our chagrin,
Each chap wrote
On hazards of an evil twin.

Brandon with:
Oh, how to choose pet?

When opinions vary...

A dog: energetic, fun, true
A cat: lazy, quiet, scared (and can be a hex)

What's hard?

Christopher Sturdy with:
Rags to riches tale

Funny how an opening covered chap as a toxic zero;
a nut who by the end we had acquitted as a hero.

Dharam Khalsa with:
On the grand horizon, chosen candidate was unconquerable; yet, with respect, was "The Audacity of Hope" a grave hoax?

Larry Brash with:
How, up on one hand, is a good vicar twice-exalted by the Church, and, on another, we see that crazy person as quite a fag.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Behold:
On the exterior, who? A caped crusader fans ought to recognize!
On the inside, what? A queasy vacant chap (yawn).

View with:
Even in our personal biography we can trace duet - action exhange of crazy hothead's show and attached quiet show.

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Ellie Dent with:
A MAN'S GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

1. You are so manly!
2. Be romantic, turn out the light.
3. I want to get new and deluxe velvet lounge drapes
4. I want new footwear: wedding shoes
5. Hang that painting right up there
6. I heard a strange noise ...
7. Do you love me?
8. How much do you love me?
9. I will be ready soon
10. Does my butt look at all fat in these?
11. You have to learn to communicate
12. Are you listening, dear, are you?
13. Yes
14. No
15. Perhaps
16. I am sorry
17. I feel this is a dated kitchen, awful, all wrong
18. Do you like this recipe?
19. Was that the baby?

=

1. You need a shave and you sweat a lot
2. I have flabby thighs, and cellulite. OMG!
3. and carpets, furniture, wallcoverings and such
4. The other pairs are the wrong white
5. NO! I mean there!
6. I noticed you were almost asleep
7. I'm about to ask for something rather expensive.
8. I did something today you're really not going to like
9. Go and find a TV game to watch
10. Tell me I'm beautiful
11. Agree with me
12 Too late, you're dead
13. No
14. No
15. No
16. You'll be sorry
17. I want a new house
18. It's easy
19. Why don't you get up and walk him until he's asleep.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
"Oh, Doctor," pleaded the woman, "I just don't know what to do. Every night, my husband comes home insanely drunk and beats me to a pulp."

"Ah, I have a really good cure for that," replied the doctor. "Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a drink of sweet tea and then start swishing it around in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he has gone to bed and is asleep."

Some days later, the woman returned to the doctor and flounced in looking fresh, bubbly and reborn. "Hey, doctor!" she gushed, "that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and I swished, and he didn't touch me once! How on earth does the tea do that?"

The doctor replied: "The tea does sod all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

=

A woman was in bed with her lover when she suddenly heard the front door opening.

"Oh my God, it's my husband!" she cried, "Stand in the corner!"

She hurriedly rubbed baby oil all over the worried man, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Ok, so don't move until I tell you to," she whispered; "pretend you're a statue."

The husband came upstairs into the room. "What's... that?" he asked warily.

"Oh, just some statue," she muttered casually, "I saw the Jacksons had bought one and liked it, so I decided I must get us one as well."

No more was said, and they went to bed.

Around two o'clock in the morning the husband got up, tiptoed to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a cool beer.

3rd -Dharam Khalsa with:
How To Photograph Your New Puppy

* Remove film from box and load into camera.

* Go remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.

* Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.

* Choose a suitable background for photo.

* Place camera on tripod, adjusting focus.

* Go find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.

* Place puppy in pre-focused spot and quickly return to camera.

* Forget about pre-focused spot and crawl after puppy on hands and knees.

* Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.

* Get tissue and clean sticky nose print from camera lens.
~
* Remove damp Canon zoom cap from puppy's mouth.

* Find miffed cat and transport outdoors.

* Put peroxide on scratch on puppy's nose.

* Place Photo World magazine back on coffee table.

* Get puppy's attention by squeaking furry stuffed toy over your head.

* Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.

* Jump up in time to grab pup by scruff of neck and scold, "No! Bad dog! Shame!"

* Summon your partner to mop up fresh puddle of pee off hardwood floor.

* Postpone photographs to whenever.

* Fix drink.

* Slump in worn armchair with drink and plan to teach unruly mutt, which has run off, "Sit".

Dharam Khalsa with:
George W. Bush (2001-9)

If you remember, President Bush's vocal response after the terrorist airplane attacks was, "Over time it's going to be important for nations to know they will be held accountable for inactivity. You're either with us or against us in the fight against terror." The Bush doctrine (which Sarah Palin did not remember) revealed that the US would not hesitate to act, alone if necessary, to exercise its right of self-defense by acting preemptively. That is the main point to consider when it comes to his foreign policy doctrine, while he took the country to wars in Afghanistan and Iraq.

=

Barack H. Obama (2009 to present)

President Obama, in his pithiest speech of the 1st quarter of the year on US' involvement in military action with Libya, set out the groundwork of his doctrine, which decrees the US can intervene in conflicts "when our safety is not directly threatened, but our interests and values are" (i.e. Moammar Gadhafi's slaughter of civilian rebels).

Each FOX-type critic blasts the president for outright wastage, for not clarifying what the mission will be in easy terms (or both), or not waiting another week to negotiate with Congress prior to deploying the troops. Get the idea?

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Jacksons and nobody offered me a damned thing."

Harshal M. with:
BILL GATES ARRIVES IN THE PEARLY GATES...

"Hi, Bill," said God, "I am indeed unable to think on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you did enormously assist society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you did create loads of that stupid, bad, insignificant Windows. I'm going to do something I never plotted before. I'm going to let you decide where to go!"

Gates nodded at this, "Ha-ha-ha! Well, thanks, God." then asked, "Do tell what's the difference between the two?"

God said, "You can take a slight sight at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?"

"Sure, God!" said Bill. "Let's go!"

Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white, long beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women dashing around this dawn, playing in this water, laughing and frolicking about. This big, bright sun was shining high and this temperature was perfect!
~
Bill said, "It's great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven."

To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went.

Bill found puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with lovely angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was too amazing, but surely not more enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates hesitated for only a brief moment and then had his idea. "God, I would like to go to Hell."

"As you desire," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He noticed Bill shackled to a wall. He was screaming noise amongst the hot fires in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

God merely uttered, "How's it goin', Bill?"

Bill responded with anguish and despair, "Oh, my mercy's ass! It irritates! It's purely awful! Oh, this is not what I thought at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women lying in the water, God?!"

"Oh, THAT!" said God. "That was the screen saver!"

Ember Nickel with:
Rat: I don't know why it is that, each time there's a controversy or scandal, some nut puts the word "gate" on the end of it. Do you, gentlemen?

Goat: It's from Watergate, the scandal at Washington.

Rat: That's dumb.

Goat: No, dumb is the version of Windows I just bought. It crashed on me.

Zebra: What were you trying to do?

Goat: Upload this video of a horse trotting.

Zebra: Why?

Goat: Because it shows the mount easily pushing open the fence door I would buy.
=
Rat: So?

Goat: So, Rat, I'm sending it to the manufacturer of the yard's fence door to ask how he can build something so defective that the horse rider could go and trot through it. But stupid Windows won't let me do it. Oh, I just want to punch the inventor of Windows with my hands!

Zebra: Hey, hey, sit down. Maybe you should call some news reporters about this.

Goat: About what?

Zebra: Gates gait gate gate.

Goat (to Pastis): You're annoying even me now.

Adie Pena with:
MOST FREQUENTLY CHALLENGED BOOKS OF 2010 *

1. And Tango Makes Three by Peter Parnell and Justin Richardson

2. The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie

3. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley

4. Crank by Ellen Hopkins

5. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

6. Lush by Natasha Friend

7. What My Mother Doesn't Know by Sonya Sones

8. Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By In America by Barbara Ehrenreich

9. Revolutionary Voices: A Multicultural Queer Youth Anthology edited by Amy Sonnie

10. Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
=

TIME'S TOP TEN MOVIES OF 2010 **
[Extremely stubborn NY critics do an annual list. Hype or hyperbole? Yearly choices aren't always unequivocally right. Oh, they may like a commendably excellent breakthrough; rank an unthinkably inane shaky handheld study; be annoyed by an arthouse dud; maybe push a stunning trend; squabble on any abysmally bad Three-D cinema.]

1. Toy Story Three

2. Inside Job

3. Never Let Me Go

4. Life During Wartime

5. The Social Network

6. Rabbit Hole

7. Wild Grass

8. Green Zone

9. Waiting for 'Superman'

10. Four Lions

THE END.

Brandon with:

Ahead, it's the annual WWE brand draft - the most important night of the year (well, that's what Jerry "The King" Lawler said) - and it's time to shake things up once more! Cool!

Anyone's career could be changed forever. My, how crazy will things get? =

Mighty hero John Cena is drafted to Smackdown? Hey, all right!

Oh. Nevermind.

Shut up! Rey and Sin Cara will be working together? Great!

Come on! What the hell?

At least Raw won't be cancelled - the Miz is staying put.

What a tease and sorry effort.

David Bourke with:
Kate Middleton: "I'm so very sorry in asking, your Majesty, but what good and timely advice would you give one for how one might best perhaps live a life as happy, fulfilled, and indeed quite as long as yours has been, ma'am?" =
H.M. the Queen: "OK young lady...a highly-dignified, svelte image...stick by your marriage vows if alone with an Al Fayed, just avoid landmines...,oh, and I suppose, always remember to do your seatbelt up, love, and DON'T piss me orf!"

Rosie Perera with:
"Workers at the stricken Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant in Japan are onto Plan C in their bid to stop highly radioactive water from gushing directly into the Pacific Ocean." =
Ah, crikey! This is ironic as deja vu! That reactor radiation panic is like when BP was trying to cap the handicapped oil well to keep further contamination in the Gulf from occurring.

The Anagrammy Awards

APRIL 2011 NOMINATIONS

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

THE LONG CATEGORY

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

THE RUDE CATEGORY