Complete list of nominations for May, 2011

MAY 2011 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2011

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Harshal M. with:
Murals on the Sistine Chapel ceiling =
This is Michelangelo's true pinnacle.

2nd - Ellie Dent with:
Claude Monet's series of 'Water Lilies'=
I use oil and create timeless flowers.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides =
Arr, don't bother seeing it sea fans, it be crap!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Britt Ekland as Mary Goodnight =
I'm tarty girl Bond has got naked.

Larry Brash with:
Getting a hole-in-one =
Neat! Hooting in glee!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Leonardo di ser Piero da Vinci =
I carve or doodle and I inspire.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Bookshelf hunt revealed this: ~
"The Hound of the Baskervilles".

nedesto with:
The hills are alive with the sound of music ~
as her softish voice lulled him with a tune.

David Bourke with:
The Australian actor Chris Hemsworth =
Cast as hero Thor, with result...a rich man.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
An Esther Williams movie =
In love as a lithe swimmer.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Hieronymus Bosch engraving of "The Last Judgment" =
He conjures ghastly but moving nightmares of The End.

View with:
Iron Maiden 'Flight of Icarus' =
Doom if airlift reaching Sun.

Ivan Andonov with:
Les Claypool =
El Loco plays.

Adie Pena with:
Lewis Carroll's "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" =
I'd unravel a weird world's all-nonsensical secret.

Adie Pena with:
The finalists Scotty McCreery and Lauren Alaina =
Facts say HE is currently an "American Idol" talent!

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
President Obama receives a huge ratings bounce in a recent poll, following the death of Osama bin Laden =
Problem is, he'd need to gun down the faithless Arab all over again to be safe in an upcoming election race!

2nd - David Bourke with:
Sarah's and Todd's daughter Bristol Sheeran Marie Palin =
Another stupid lass, as brain-dead as her darling mother!

3rd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
"You are our representatives spearheading humanity's exploration of new spaces and possibilities for our future" =
is Pope Benedict's telephone message for six U.S. astronauts on their way in a furious ride far up over our airy planet.

Rosie Perera with:
The Structure of Scientific Revolutions by Thomas S. Kuhn (published by University of Chicago Press) =
Thus coins "paradigm shift" for the novel yet unitive truths of such busy-boy scribes like Copernicus.

nedesto with:
Bin Laden killed by U.S. forces in Pakistan, Obama says, declaring justice has been done =
Nine one one payback and crisis ended: Sly seals subjugate infidel. Karma's a bitch, OBL.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
"The Lies of Sarah Palin: The Untold Story Behind Her Relentless Quest for Power" =
How fibs are told to sell the Tea Party's hellish queen on her runs for president.

David Bourke with:
The Taliban admit that yes, Osama bin Laden has been killed =
He died in Abbottabad...Seals eliminate the man. (Thanks, y'all!)

Christopher Sturdy with:
The United States government witnessed the real-time execution of Osama bin Laden. =
Intent White House sent direct video feed.
SEAL Team No. Six get number one man at last!

David Bourke with:
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, William and Catherine's honeymoon =
Future king and admired woman did smooch on a beach in the Seychelles!

nedesto with:
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb =
Brawl in the war room. Very novel sober ending: Good to the last drop!

Tony Crafter with:
Princess Beatrice puts her zany Royal-wedding hat on eBay =
Hey! Trading in pretzel-shaped accessory to buy a new brain?

nedesto with:
Among us beginner letter-based-theory aficionados, "stifle" ~
is to be considered as being the only true anagram of itself.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Suppose the chariot of the sun were given you, what would you do?" - Ovid (Metamorphoses) =
Curious, eh? I'd swoosh up out of the sea every day to move the moon, power up dawn's light!

Ellie Dent with:
'Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.' =
George Bush is in it - that list - a modern Western politician, frighteningly misinformed, disappointing good folk.

Harshal M. with:
Last Year's Razzies...
1. Sex and the City Two
2. Vampires Suck
3. The Bounty Hunter
4. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
5. The Last Airbender

=

1. Star must be naughty.
2. Rather bizarre taste!
3. Pathetic weight and not divine.
4. Worthless kiss.
5. The especially lazy excuse.

Adie Pena with:
The Children* of Sarah Palin are:
1. Track
2. Bristol Sheeran Marie
3. Willow
4. Piper
5. Trig Paxson Van =
Sarah Palin is in herself:
1. Hollow
2. Banal
3. Never Proper
4. Extra Weird
5. A Crackpot Main Rightist

Ellie Dent with:
A crow wearing a chic pearl necklace, walked into a crowded bar. He said: "You serve expensive, best beer at the bar? Fetch it now." ~
"I've never seen a crow wearing a pearl necklace before", said the bartender.
"What do you expect with basic black?", said the crow.

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!"
=
How would I whack a chieftain called Osama?
How would I mow a crappy idiot down?
I'll join a brave team inspired by Obama
To rub out a fool, then let his body drown!

2nd - Larry Brash with:
"How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!"
=
What do you do with a problem like Diana?
Just how'd the Windsor Mafia blow her out?
Conceivably, how to coldly wipe Diana?
Boof! Aim a Merc in a Paris wall, no doubt!

Eq3rd - Andrew Brehaut with:
"How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown
=
How do you solve a problem like Osama?
How do you find a critical twit so bad
How can you whip a wild one named Bin Laden?
Cop a rifle butt! With a mortar blow! Jihad!

Eq3rd - Christopher Sturdy with:
How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!
=
How do you broach a subject with Sharia?
What would be the Islamic point of view?
Laid by an imam, do follow your Koran,
Law applied, I told a bride, "women can not do".

Rosie Perera with:
How do you solve a problem like Osama?
How do you catch the leader of a jihad clan?
Law? A tribunal? Ironic, I'd probably want it.
But if I'd two weapons, I'd mow him down.

David Bourke with:
How do you remove a problem like bin Laden?
Find a road to his Abbottabad town.
How will you nail a low pimp, a choice coward?
Fire this load away, just cut him down!

Larry Brash with:
How do you solve a problem like bin Laden?
How do you impact a coward's wild jihad?
How certain you the main Arab man's fallen?
A pitiful bitch widow or two. Too bad!

David Bourke with:
How did Obama trump a problem of "The Donald"?
"Islamic? Arabic? How low! What a lie!"
Yet justice it was done, vindicated by proof:
"Look! Born down Honolulu way, Hawaii!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
How do you avoid a problem like Palin?
Or do we wait for Biblical rapture to come?
Whew, in candidacy that woman will be failin',
Shadowy, just a hoot, and oh so dumb!

Christopher Sturdy with:
How do you solve a problem without Windows?
Er, who would want to pay a Bill or do a Job?
I had a Microsoft PC I feel dirty
With a lean blue Mac in hand, I am a dick, a nob!

nedesto with:
How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How's Ahnold to indicate: Woman, I'm now apart?
How to find a word to bid: Chica, I'll see ya?
A jilt! Unhubby! A widow of Club Depart!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
How do you solve a problem like Joe Biden?
What do infinity words wrap a comic for?
What do you call a mouth that is a wide 'un?
Political wind? A man who'd blab? A bore?

Rosie Perera with:
How do you solve a problem like Ms. Palin?
How do I thwart her White House candidacy?
I'd object to a dolt in DC: "Arab paranoia!"
Wow, a dumb wilful woman of no ability.

David Bourke with:
Now, how would I calm a problem like Harry?
(Bastard prince of Diana and of James Hewitt)
I could whip you the clod to oblivion...
Whoa, wait! Would an ASBO maybe do it?

Dharam Khalsa with:
How do I outwit a problem like Jaws?
How do I play badminton on a warm beach?
How do I avoid the water bully's flaws?
I could die...or I can play badminton out of reach!

Dharam Khalsa with:
How do I solve a problem like Badminton?
Who do I play with at our local beach?
I say, I would win an award at Badminton,
(Woo-hoo!) if I would just perfect my bad reach!

David Bourke with:

How did ya banish a major prob like New Orleans?
Act to avoid a flood? I doubt much could.
I'm in limbo...what brain opened the spillway?
Water, flow away! (I touch wood!)

View with:
How do you solve a problem like Meyran?
He just to nab all idiomatic awards and fun!
Aid, hopeful aid! Wow, I call - Downward boy, into WC!
Boot him! To Hawaii! Rob the PC!

Harshal M. with:
How do you rub a problem like a bin Laden?
How to jail a main worldwide convict?
Oh, you said whole words for a bad ape...
Pity to a shadow with an immutable conflict!

David Bourke with:
How would you avoid a thorny problem like a jobbie?
A floater within a crowded public pool?
How? I would catch mine in my hand!
(Nowt as bad, I'm afraid, as a wet stool).

Dharam Khalsa with:
How do you avoid a boob like Newt?
Jab him with new comic political candor?
How will we pardon old affairs and repute?
Oh boy! Without a doubt, a slimy salamander!

David Bourke with:

Well, how do you combat a bad bout of diarrhoea?
Windy bowels, with an avalanche of poo?
No panic with an Imodium tablet, I heard
...or simply just a wide cork will do!

Tony Crafter with:
How do you solve a problem like a hard word?
a) Find www.dictionary.com
b) Now just load the applicable word ('MIAOU')
Ah, a definition'll hit you ('CAT NOISE') what a bomb!

Dharam Khalsa with:
How do you 'off' a criminal like Bluebeard?
Which top jail would hold a pirate so bad?
With two wives, by now, bloodsmeared!
In my opinion, a cutthroat, a low man, a cad!

Adie Pena with:
How do you thwart a problem like diarrhea?
Aid you in the peptic ache and soft stool?
With an obvious blow of medical marijuana!
Wow! I'm wobbly and wild and cool!

Dharam Khalsa with:
How do I avoid problems with a teen son?
How do I approach you, a willful man-child?
Ire by you, a word battle, I fear can't be won.
Oh wow, am I just too laid back and mild?

Ellie Dent with:
How do you solve a problem like our Julie?
How can we bar a ballad? Holy cow!
How to stop a birdbrained maid with melody?
It's no fun if a cow'd panic at that din! Miaow!

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
Two Irish brothers, Patrick and Connor McGough, had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, that they would bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in time he did die and the brothers kept their promise.

They set off with their Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded into their little rowboat. After a while Patrick McGough said, "Do yer tink that dis is fer enough out, Connor?"

Without a word Connor slipped over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.

"Ah, dis'll neva do, Pat. Let's row some more."

After a bit more rowing, Connor went over the side again but found that the water was only up to his belly, so they rowed on.

Again Pat asked him, "Do yer tink that dis is fer enough out?"

Once again Connor went over the side and almost immediately said, "No dis'll neva do."

The water was still only up to his chest. So, on and on they rowed and finally Connor went over the side and disappeared altogether. Quite a bit of time went by and Pat was really getting himself into a state when suddenly Connor broke the surface gasping for breath.

"Well is it deep enough yet, Connor?"

"Aye 'tis, hand me da shovel."

=

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was eighty years old and had never been married. Everybody liked her for her sweet demeanour and endearing innocence.

One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her. She showed him into her modest living room and invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat looking at her quaint old upright Hammond organ, the young minister suddenly noticed an ordinary glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled up with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The young pastor tried to suppress his curiosity about the bowl of water and its peculiar floater, but it finally got the better of him and he could resist no longer.

'Hey, Miss Beatrice; I wonder if you would kindly tell me about this?' he said, pointing to the mysterious bowl.

'Oh, yes, isn't it wonderful?' she replied. 'I was walking by the park a few months ago and I found this small packet on the ground. The directions inside said to place it on the organ and keep it moist and it would prevent the spread of diseases. And do you know what? I haven't had a trace of flu all winter!'

2nd - Adie Pena with:
BLONDE 2011 MONTH-BY-MONTH CALENDAR

January
"Happy New Year" to me! Took my new 100-dollar D&G scarf back to the store -- it was too tight.

February
A bummer of a month. Boo-hoo! Got fired from my job at the pharmacy for failure to print labels on 111 medicine bottles. I couldn't believe it. The bottles wouldn’t fit in the typewriter!

March
Exciting and best month ever. I feel like a queen indeed! Finished a jig saw puzzle in 9 months. The box said "2 - 4 years."

April
Scary month. Whew! Gee, was trapped on an escalator for 12 hours -- the power went out!

May
A frustrating month. Tried to make Kool-Aid from scratch. Didn't succeed. It seems 8 cups of water just will not fit into those little packets.

June
An adventurous month. Tried to water ski -- and had to give up -- couldn’t find a lake with a decent slope.
~
July
Defeated month. Lost a breast stroke swimming competition I joined -- then found out all the other 10 swimmers cheated by using their arms! Total jerks!

August
Wet month! I got locked out of my Japanese car during a rain storm. The inside of my car was ruined because the top was partially down.

September
Dumb month. I lost that TV quiz show. The capital of California is 'C,' isn't it?

October
I rant: "Little M&Ms?! I hate that junk! They are so hard to peel!"

November
Bad food month. Cooked a fat turkey for 4 1/2 days. Catastrophe! It was very dry -- don't know what went wrong. I looked at instructions below: "1 hour per pound." Note that I weigh 108.

December
Fateful accident month. Zapped a finger really bad. Couldn't call 911 for an expert fix. No "eleven" on the phone!?

Maybe 2012 will be different.

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
SIMPLE PRACTICAL TESTS TO TAKE BEFORE YOU HAVE CHILDREN

Women:

Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.

Leave it there.

After nine months remove around five per cent of the beans.

Go to the supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a goat, preferably mature -is excellent. If you intend to have more than one kid, two maybe, take more than one goat.

Buy the weekly groceries without letting them (goats) out of your sight.

Pay for all the goat(s) eat or destroy. Until you can accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

=

Men:

Go to the chemist, tip your wallet onto the counter then tell him to help himself.

Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

Go home. Read a newspaper ... for the last time.

Forget talk of that outstanding new BMW you found. Buy the convenient five-door wagon.

Buy an icecream and put it in the glove compartment.

Take one penny coin and insert that into the new CD player.

Take a large box of Swiss chocolate biscuits, then mash it evenly into the back seat.

Get one garden rake, or use a key even, to run vigorously along both sides of the car.

James H. Young with:
"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." -Martin Luther King, Jr.
=
Fake citation that eleven-hundred-and-seven closet hippies hollered on Twitter and on Facebook after the sudden shooting death of Osama last Sunday. For an altogether unreported reason, it turned viral. I'd love to think it might liken Osama to another universal arch-victim turned hero. It's good and stunning - jolly unnecessary.
-JHY

nedesto with:
To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them.
To die-to sleep,
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd.
=
A Suicide Soliloquy: He asks:
What's better then, too often I think,
To bear the damned stone and bowstring,
Or to fight draughts as of imbroglio
And to be thereby an antipode.
The duel over, onto finality at last.
Test us no more; nausea, wound, and fash.
To swoon as unto smoothness supreme.
To sleep: perchance to dream:
Ay, there's the rub.

Harshal M. with:
For more than 30 years, Chris Roycroft-Davis has been at the forefront of the British media. As Executive Editor of the country's biggest-selling daily paper, The Sun, he wrote a column six days a week which was read by up to 10 million people. He also played a major part in the launch of Sky Television. Now, as a Motivational Speaker, Media Coach, Author and Broadcaster, he helps business people to communicate effectively, write powerfully and present with punch. Here's what some influential people say about Chris:

"A delight to work with on my show. He is funny, eloquent and well-informed by a lifetime spent at the top level of journalism." - Michael Parkinson

"One of the sharpest minds in the business." - Peter Hill, Daily Express Editor

"There's little he doesn't know about the workings of the media" - Sun Editor Rebekah Wade

"He's witty, slick, abrasive, punchy, clever, emotive and well-informed. In fact, you couldn't make him up!" - Richard Littlejohn, Daily Mail

"He's the ultimate media expert. He has probably forgotten more than I'll ever know" - Daniel Finkelstein, Associate Editor of The Times =

THE TRUTH (no, not spoken from Chris, that's most impossible!)

For more than 30 years, the degenerate endemic Chris "I Rot" Roycroft-Davis of The Sun has expressed all the most inexpert 'ideas' which leave his fans (does he have any?) perplexed. He has spoken every known method of lies possible. He is uncommitted to whatever intents are important in life. Now, crash, the savage bane's eliminated!
Wait and see his new book, "How to Be The King of the Inane Devils"!

"You are so pitiful, you jump at the feeble perception of the word 'work', you CRACKPOT. P.S. These are inapplicable to mystical points." - Adie Pena

"Certain you call this journalism? I think you're unaware it's an appalling, puerile joke!" - Larry Brash

"Wow, the eerily dumbfounded dumdum has so little flexibility, he imperfectly touches his elbow! The inconvenient truth is, tabloid people are too darn low-minded." - Harshal M.

"Something tells me that quote from the Daily Mail is a bluff. There, they like SENSE." - David Bourke

"Facile silly-willy! Leave us alone. Throw a clock from a window and watch time "fly"! And please get a finer haircut." - Tony Crafter

David Bourke with:

There have already been some concerns about the late Saudi terrorist leader Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. Apparently there was a little bit of a misunderstanding ...for upon his arrival at the gates of paradise last week, he was shocked to be welcomed in by seventy-two vegans. =
Speaking of betrayal and totally lawless noted Arab war savages...in Washington late yesterday, President Obama was locked out of his White House apartment entrance. For several terrible, even desperate minutes, he believed that someone had found his real birth certificate.

Dharam Khalsa with:
This flirty blonde bought a thrifty coach ticket, but hopped in and curled up in a wider First Class seat. The stewardess told her politely that she had to move to her own seat.

The blonde told her, "Look, I'm a blonde, I'm supposed to go to New York, and I won't move."

The stewardess found the co-pilot and described the situation. He said, "Hell, watch me!" He intervened, telling the blonde she had to hurry to her coach seat. She waited. "I repeat, I'm a blonde, I'm supposed to go to New York, and I won't move!"
~
The stewardess and the co-pilot got the pilot and asked if he could solve the problem they were having with the stubborn blonde.

The pilot strode up to where the blonde was sitting, leaned over, and whispered in her ear. She immediately stood up and moved back to her seat in the economical rear coach section, without any more fuss.

The dumbfounded co-pilot asked the pilot, "Man, what in the world did you say to the blonde?"

The pilot said, "I told her that First Class doesn't go to New York."

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - David Bourke with:
Autobiography [version III]

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Jim and Patricia were eighty years old and had been married for sixty years. Although they were far from rich, they did manage to get by because Jim watched their pennies.

Despite their age, they were in quite good health, largely due to Patricia's insistence on organic food, with daily exercise, for the last decade.

But their good health didn't help them when they went on holiday one day and their plane crashed, sending them up to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a running waterfall in the master bath. A maid was hanging their favourite clothes in a closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

Jim asked how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' St. Peter smiled, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

Jim looked out the window and saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any course on Earth. 'Wow! And what are the fees for that?' he queried.

'This is Heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for nothing all day.'

Then they went to the clubhouse and saw a sumptuous buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts and free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter. 'This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

Jim looked round and glanced nervously at Patricia. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?' he enquired.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you want and you will not get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Jim

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'No. Never again. All you will do here is enjoy yourself.'

Jim glared at Patricia and said, 'You and your f****ing Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

=

An Irish farmer named Fergus had a motor accident. In court, the lorry company's highly expensive lawyer was questioning Fergus.

'Did you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'? asked the lawyer.

Fergus responded: 'Well, I'll explain to you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Mabel, safely onto the...'

'I didn't ask you for any unnecessary details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Fergus said, 'Well, I had just got Mabel safely onto the trailer and I was driving off down the road...'

The lawyer interrupted again, saying, 'Your Honour, I am just trying to establish the fact that, after the accident, this man stated to the police officer at the scene that he was fine. But now, several weeks after the accident, he's trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him he must answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was very interested in Fergus's reply and he politely explained to the lawyer: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Mabel. He may speak'

Fergus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Mabel, my favourite cow, safely onto the trailer and was driving her down the road, when this huge lorry came speeding through a stop sign and hit my trailer in the side. I was thrown out into one ditch and Mabel was thrown off into another. I was hurt very badly, with a sore head and did not really feel like moving. However, I could hear poor Mabel moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by those groans.

Soon after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear poor Mabel's feeble moans and groans so he went over to see her. After looking at her and seeing her injured condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.'

'Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and asked me, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the fook would you have said?'

3rd - Ember Nickel with:
Just as these lines that merge to form a key

Tony Crafter with:
I Wish I Could Shimmy Like My Sister Kate

Harshal M. with:
Sonnet 106

nedesto with:
When I was one-and-twenty

nedesto with:
Blowin' in the wind

Dharam Khalsa with:
Tips for Camping

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet extra warm. A hot enchilada works just as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

Acupuncture was invented by the camper who startled a porcupine in his sleeping bag.

Always carry a deck of playing cards when you hike in unfamiliar territory. If you find yourself lost or alone, simply sit down and begin to play a quiet game of solitaire, and someone will soon come along to reach in and place the red nine on the black ten. Happens every time!

Bear bells provide an extra element of safety for hikers in grizzly bear country, but the tricky part is getting them on the bears.

Check the washing instructions before purchasing any duds to be worn camping, and buy only those that read, "Beat on a rock in the stream."

Get even with the bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road following behind a large motor home.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter, but remove lint from navel before lighting the match.
~
That rain garb made of a sports industry vinyl type that "breathes" enables a camper to prevail and remain dry in cloudbursts. But a rain suit that sneezes or belches adds nothing to the wilderness experience.

No venison? Make old worn knit socks into a winning jerky by frying them over the fire.

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine your flashlight in one ear. If the beam shows out the other ear instantly, don't go into the woods alone.

The very best backpack is named after a national park or mountain range. Steer clear of the one named after the landfill.

The guitar of the irritating teenager in the next campsite can make perfect kindling.

You can compress the diameter of a rolled-up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.

You can duplicate the midwinter warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag crammed with a dozen ducks.

You'll rarely be awakened by the call of a wayward loon if you have an unlisted number.

You won't be lost or worry when you remember that moss always grows on the north side of the compass.

Whenever camping or picnicking, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.

When using a popular public campground, putting a tuba on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side of you vacant.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Brother John entered the "Monastery of Silence" and the kind Abbott said, "This is a silent monastery; you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak for five years, until I direct you to speak." Brother John had lived in the monastery five years when the Abbott said to him, "Brother John, as you have been here for five years now, you may speak two words."

He answered, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbot said. "We will be happy to get you a softer bed."

After another five years had passed, the Abbot called Brother John into his office. "You may say two words."

"Cold food," said Brother John, and the Abbott reassured him that the meals would be warmer in the future.

The Abbott again called Brother John into the office on his fifteenth anniversary at the monastery, "You may say only two words today."
"I quit!" he announced.

"I'm not at all surprised - you've done nothing but complain since you got here!"

=

There is a traditional story about a noteworthy monastery that is balanced majestically on the edge of a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only means for anybody - whether monk, doctor, missionary or tourist on their honeymoon - to reach that monastery area is not on foot, but to be suspended in a bamboo or wood basket maneuvered by hand by several trustworthy Brothers whose job it is to pull with all of their strength. Obviously, the journey up the steep hairy cliff is terrifying, too!

One heavy tourist became very afraid about half-way up as he noticed the rope by which he was suspended was terribly frayed and he was doomed to death! In a justifiably trembly hoarse voice he asked an anonymous inhabitant who joined him in the wood basket, "Ah, do they change that threadbare rope every so often?"

He deliberated a moment and brusquely offered, "You goose! Just when it has broken!"

=

Waylayed by weather on a foggy evening, a bubbly Nun came to a stony monastery and requested sanctuary for the night. Fortunately, she was just in time to be invited to dinner, and joined the Brothers' table to ravenously enjoy a lot of the most aromatic fried fish and potato chips anybody had ever been served.

Later, after dinner, she went to the kitchen on the way to her room to praise the chef. "Hello..."
She was greeted by two Brothers. "Ahoy, Sister," one said. "I am Brother Bartholomew, and this is Brother John."

"I'm pleased to meet you both! I would like to thank you for a notably fabulous dinner! Your fish and potato chips may easily be the tastiest I or anybody have ever had before!" the Nun praised. "By the way, just out of curiosity, which of you cooked what?"

"Well, I am a fish friar," Brother John revealed.
She turned to Brother Bartholomew and reasoned, "So, you must be a... "
"Yes, afraid so," he said, "I am a chip monk."

Adie Pena with:
chansons innocentes, i

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