Complete list of nominations for December, 2011

DECEMBER 2011 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2011

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Adie Pena with:
"I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus" =
I am assuming St. Nick was also my ...

2nd - Harshal M. with:
The movie "It's A Wonderful Life" =
Feature film is done with love.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Edouard Manet's 'Luncheon on the Grass' =
Sole nude and her man-escorts hang out!

David Bourke with:
The Canadian singer Michael Steven Bublé =
Undeniable chart achievement a blessing.

Adie Pena with:
Organist Gruber's "Stille Nacht, Heilige Nacht" =
"Silent Night" being such a caroller's great hit.

Rosie Perera with:
The Christmas album =
That's sublime charm.

View with:
'Sultans of Swing' ~
was fun list song.

Christopher Sturdy with:
"I have a cunning plan" (from Blackadder)... ~
and man gave a punchline for Baldrick.

Harshal M. with:
"The Suicide" by Edouard Manet =
I do cause my true death in bed.

Adie Pena with:
Yet the warm orangy sun softens ~
Gene Autry's "Frosty the Snowman."

Christopher Sturdy with:
Variations on a Theme - Haydn =
I have heard many notations.

nedesto with:
The Adoration of the Magi by Peter Paul Rubens =
Famed noble trio gathers about true Epiphany.

Ivan Andonov with:
Dan Castellaneta from "The Simpsons" =
Noted film talent can pass as Homer S.

Meyran Kraus with:
The animated Walt Disney film 'The Lion King' =
Find it's like Hamlet, only with a tame ending.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Should auld acquaintance be forgot..." =
Sad one! Cued a blatant chug of liquor.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Hugo", a Martin Scorsese stereoscopic Three-D film =
So, sirs, heroic child's perfect automaton emerges.

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Man is accidentally shot by his own dog =
And I'd say, somewhat consolingly, "Bitch!"

2nd - Rosie Perera with:
Downed American drone =
Do we dare condemn Iran?

3rd - Adie Pena with:
Serviceman shot ~
on Christmas Eve.

Adie Pena with:
Last-minute Christmas shopping =
Such as simple important things.

nedesto with:
Christmas' solemn dignity =
It's mostly merchandising.

Adie Pena with:
The night before Christmas =
Hence, birth sets Magi forth.

David Bourke with:
Sense a tangible loss to riches ~
as the global recession sets in.

Maurice Goddard with:
Gingrich May Test Voters' Limits =
A slimy rotter's vice might sting!

nedesto with:
Sinterklaas =
As in: stalker!

Tony Crafter with:
Christmas in Two-thousand-and-eleven =
I now use this month's Advent Calendar!

Harshal M. with:
The United States soldiers to leave Iraq =
Quit there on a tireless, devastated soil.

Rosie Perera with:
"Mother Robin" Lim was named CNN's "Hero of the Year" =
My somber charter: health for Indonesian women.

Rick Rothstein with:
The Republican debates =
The base? Unpredictable!

View with:
"The Russian Presidential Elections =
This Putin is one less-certain leader!

Rosie Perera with:
Mitt Romney slogan "Keep America American" =
Ar! One may mimic a Klansman to get creepier.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Mitt Romney's slogan "Keep America American" =
Campaign I recreate is a memory to Klansmen.

Dharam Khalsa with:
What happens when you Google "let it snow"? =
Now a page-length white-out shows openly.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Articles you might find in grandmother's purse =
Insurance upgrade, old memoirs, thrifty things.

Maurice Goddard with:
As an old custom in the toe of each Christmas stocking, ~
the "ho-hum" fact is, Santa comes to stick cold oranges in!

Ivan Andonov with:
Like father, like son =
Korea, feel this link!

David Bourke with:
There is no Santa Claus =
Reasons? He isn't actual.

Rick Rothstein with:
There is no Santa Claus =
St. Nicholas? A neat ruse.

View with:
The successor, son of Kim Jong Il =
So, his closest force - Kim Jong Un

Rick Rothstein with:
The successor, son of Kim Jong Il =
Loss fosters Kim Jong Un choice.

Meyran Kraus with:
"It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas" =
It's something I link to a stocking or a bell.

Meyran Kraus with:
Economy tanks =
No money stack!

Adie Pena with:
A set of four snow tires =
Winter's safe for us, too!

Adie Pena with:
Season's greetings! =
I sense great songs.

Meyran Kraus with:
Leader Kim Jong-il dies of heart attack =
God claimed a life (it's that Korean jerk).

Dharam Khalsa with:
'Twas the night before Christmas and ~
the bright star show fascinated men.

Rob Bretveld with:
"I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus" =
So um... my ma was assailing St. Nick?

View with:
Tens of thousands of protesters pressure Putin =
These students offer no support to Russian Pres.

Rosie Perera with:
Republican contenders =
"Ran once" president club.

Rosie Perera with:
Last U.S. troops leave Iraq =
Quest over; a partial loss.

Meyran Kraus with:
Main US army forces leaving the Iraqi soil... =
So this American quagmire is finally over.

nedesto with:
On New Year's Eve ~
we serve anyone.

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Bad people rotting in hell =
e.g. Hitler, Pol Pot, Bin Laden.

2nd - Adie Pena with:
Wise men of the East Melchior, Gaspar and Balthasar =
As a star afar helps those Magi meet a newborn Child.

3rd - Rosie Perera with:
The Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams =
Top man of British church was a wry liberal one.

Adie Pena with:
Old Father Christmas =
Smart child's fat hero.

David Bourke with:
The Prime Minister, François Charles Armand Fillon =
French politician from Sarthe, Le Mans. Nil admirers.

Tony Crafter with:
Nicolas Paul Stephane Sarkozy de Nagy-Bocsa =
Ha! Carla B's guy's pocket-sized as any Napoleon!

Rosie Perera with:
The Federal Aviation Administrator Randy Babbitt =
Bibber had tasty martini and drove into a Fiat later.

View with:
Mary Violet Leontyne Price =
Lovely opera, it in my centre!

nedesto with:
Wise Men of the Orient; Gaspar, Balthasar, and Melchyor =
Star of Bethlehem draws caliphs to yon manger in area.

Maurice Goddard with:
Catherine Elizabeth, Duchess of Cambridge =
See chic-clothed magazine beaut! Fresh bird!

Meyran Kraus with:
1. Mitt Romney
2. Newt Gingrich
3. Ron Paul
4. Buddy Roemer =
1. Dry Mormon
2. Pudgier entity
3. Ancient grumbler
4. Who?

David Bourke with:
The drummer Micael Kiriakos Delaoglou =
"I'm like a muscular Motörhead Greek idol!"

Rosie Perera with:
Jyoti Amge of Nagpur, world's shortest living woman =
Jovial midget's mostly grown up? How strange. No fair!

Rick Rothstein with:
The young opera singer Jackie Evancho =
Hear huge, projecting voice... ask anyone.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Duchess of Cambridge Catherine (Kate) Middleton =
Diamond-bedecked centre of a huge lit Christmas.

Ivan Andonov with:
William “Count” Basie =
Will to be a musician.

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
What is the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything?=
Author Adams feels he's quite intuitive when he invents the great line: "Forty two".

eq2nd - nedesto with:
Little Nathaniel and Ted just met in their daycare.
"My Daddy sells books. What does yours do for a living?" Nathaniel asked. ~
"My dad is a mob-snitch lawyer," said Ted.
"Honest?" asked Nathaniel, totally floored.
"No, just the regular kind," said Ted naively.

eq2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The tangled, broken seasonal lights that hang awkwardly from that theatre roof remind me of the angry politicians. Why? ~
They all hang together, half of them simply don't work, and the ones that are working aren't always so bright--in fact, are dim!

Adie Pena with:
Santa's reindeer Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and Rudolph ~
circle and return each X'mas Eve, ride on and drop abundant presents on prized children.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Santa's reindeer Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and Rudolph =
December North Pole roundup, and nine can taxi children's presents and a crazed driver!

Tony Crafter with:
Those 'Strictly Come Dancing' judges.

1. Craig Revel Horwood
2. Len Goodman
3. Alesha Dixon
4. Bruno Tonioli
=
1. Just a big ego, darling!
2. Um... "Seven!"
3. Sexy scorcher. Good dancer too.
4. One wild Italian. No control... Hold him!

David Bourke with:
The autobiography "Tell It Sister Tell It: Memories Music and Miracles" by Stella Parton =
Upset 'cos her little mammaries aren't yet comparable to Dolly's thrusting liabilities!

Adie Pena with:
The "invented Palestinian people" statement shows "ignorance and bigotry." =
Meant to happen, Newt Gingrich planned it, needs to obtain Israel's "yes" vote.

Maurice Goddard with:
Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton is pregnant, US mag says =
Fact? Parents dance as Goddess's tummy bulge is a Kingdom Heir!

Christopher Sturdy with:
"Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh."
George Bernard Shaw
=
I see we celebrate high times, yet see we need to show balance, proportion and good sense.

So be happy *enough*

Funeral...Real fun!

Maurice Goddard with:
Some paraphernalia you might find in your grandmother's handbag =
Hi!

Hair
Sugar
Nail trimmer
Photo of dad
A peg
Money
A gun
NHS brandy!

Rosie Perera with:
Longtime North Korean leader Kim Jong Il is dead, according to South Korea's Yonhap news agency=
Ding dong, the witch is dead. Let all rejoice! A cantankerous kook is gone. No more harm. No angry spy.

Adie Pena with:
Giacomo Antonio Domenico Michele Secondo Maria Puccini =
Could I imagine a non-comic opera on homicide? Come in, Tosca!

Tony Crafter with:
Argentina are still claiming ownership of the Falklands over the British.
=
"Sabre-rattling, eh? Right men! I... I'll draft in a Task Force! I'll... Ah, no... we've no ships."

Hans-Peter Reich with:
The Concise New Partridge Dictionary of Slang and Unconventional English =
Contains specific annoying words invented to enthral, enrich old language.

Harshal M. with:
Man to waiter: "Do you serve crabs in this wonderful restaurant?" ~
Unfair waiter: "Lord, that notion's absurd. We serve any customer!"

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get some time off work to go fishing, so he approached his assistant. "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. So, I would like you to look after the clinic and take care of all me usual patients."

"Yes sir, oi will!" answered Murphy.

The doctor went fishing next day and, on returning to the clinic the following day, enquired: "How was your day, Murphy?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one called in with a headache, so oi gave him some Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, I like it! And the second one?" asked the doctor.

"The second one had colic and oi gave him Gaviscon, so oi did sir," said Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're unusually good at this Murphy; and what about the third one?" asked the doctor.

"Well sir, oi was sittin' here quietly moindin' me own business when suddenly da door flew open and a young woman burst in, so she did, like a bolt outta the blue! She tore off her clothes, removin' everyt’ing includin' her bra and panties and lay down on the table, spreadin' her legs and shoutin': "Help me for the love of St Patrick! For five years oi've not seen any man!"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did ye do?" asked the doctor.

"Oi put drops in her eyes."

=

Dermot, from Dublin, appeared on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" and towards the end of the program he'd already won half a million euros.

"You have done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's host and presenter, "but, worryingly, you've only got one lifeline left - the 'Phone a Friend'. Everything's riding on this question, for a million euros. Do you want to go for it?"

"Yes," said Dermot "Oi'll have a go!"

"Okay, Dermot - which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush
c) Magpie
d) Cuckoo?”

"Oi'm afraid oi haven't got a clue" said Dermot, ''so oi'm gonna have to use that last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy in Dublin"

Dermot phoned his friend and told him the circumstances and repeated the question.

"Why, that's simple!" cried Paddy; "It's a cuckoo."

"Are you certain?"

"Yes, I am."

Dermot hung up the phone and told Chris: "Oi'll go with cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"That it is."

There was a long pause and then the presenter screamed: "Cuckoo is the right answer! You've won a million euros!"

The next night Dermot invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Hey Paddy, just how in Heaven's name did you know that the cuckoo doesn't build his own nest?"

"Easy...! Because he lives in a fookin' clock!"

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
On the first day of Christmas...

3rd - Adie Pena with:
THE TOP TEN CHRISTMAS SONGS
10. Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy - Bing Crosby and David Bowie
9. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas - Rosemary Clooney
8. Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! - Dean Martin
7. Last Christmas - Wham!
6. Winter Wonderland - Doris Day
5. Merry Christmas Everybody - Slade
4. Blue Christmas - Elvis Presley
3. The Christmas Song - Nat King Cole
2. Do They Know It's Christmas Time - Band Aid
1. White Christmas - Bing Crosby
=
10. Odd couple's "Christmas Special" duet
9. Tune by writers Martin and Blane
8. Sammy Cahn's wintery Christmas classic
7. George Michael's stylistic Christmastime treatment
6. Lovely Christmas standard by Bernard and Smith
5. Noddy Holder's recent noteworthy work
4. The King sadly vocalises Hayes
3. One by Mel Torme with Wells
2. Bob with Sting, Bono et al for Ethiopia.
1. Mr. Irving Berlin wrote yesterday's and tomorrow's massive hit.

Dharam Khalsa with:
I hope I won't offend all of you by reviewing several tasteless, tacky, even utterly nasty, recycled
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE SEVERELY MENTALLY ILL

* Schizophrenic--Do You Hear What I Hear?
* Multiple Personality Disorder sufferer--We Three Kings Disoriented Are
* Demented--I Think I May be Home for Christmas
* Narcissist--Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
* Paranoid--Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
* Pyromaniac--Bring a torch, Jeanette, Isabella (Odd how this one works with no changes)
~
* Manic--Deck the Halls, Walls, Lawns, Stores, Offices, Cars, Buses, Trees, Playgrounds, Parks and Fire Hydrants
* Borderline Personality--Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
* Personality Disorder--You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
* Attention Deficit Disorder--Silent night, Holy...Sh*t, what time is it? Let's ride bikes! Can I have some cheesecake? Where is New Zealand?
* Megalomaniac--Joy to the world, for I have come! Let Earth receive her king!

Have a Merry Christmas!

nedesto with:
This budding young engineer who had graduated with distinction was leaving work and found that the CoB was standing alone by an old shredding machine, this piece of paper in hand.

"Listen, my lad" he said, "This is a most sensitive and secret paper, yet my secretary is not here this late. Please! Will you see if you can't work this darn thing?" ~

"Yes sir!" said the crack engineer ever so faithfully, turning the machine on, passing the document inside, and hitting the start button.

"Wow! Fantastic!" said the Board Chairman giddily, the page rapidly disappearing inside. With that, he then added, "Anyway, all I will need is one copy."

Lesson: Don't ever assume your boss knows what he's doing.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"The world of anagramming is inhabited by some very talented people who have turned it from a simple pastime into a true art form, and expanded its scope from tiny gems to lengthy and intricate poems."
=
A mix-up of staff and mere fan: triumphant Tony, mighty Mey, adept Adie, Papa Larry, poet Ellie, Scott, Chris, Andrew, Rosie, David, Neil, View, Harshal, Mr. Mesterton-Gibbons, Tom, Nedesto, Ed Pegg, not to mention me!

Rosie Perera with:
Etiquette for watching the Santa Claus Parade in Vancouver:

CONSIDER OTHERS:
* Wear your rain gear. Umbrellas block the view.
* Be nice. Please allow those in wheelchairs front row, curb side viewing of the parade. Also, allow families with children to sit in front. We short people appreciate it too!
* Say “excuse me” or “I’m sorry” if you bump or step on someone in the crowd.
* Don’t smoke.
* Property…a respectful reminder: climbing on or sitting atop anything belonging to Citytv, Canada Post, dumpster companies, et al is a definite don’t!
=
WITTY WISDOM:
* In true Canadian style, the officials expect people to be polite to each other (especially visiting Americans). But real Canadians are all polite whether asked or not. No need to go forbid a crowd's discord.
* In true Vancouver style, we're quite sure there will be rain. We thrive in it!
* Hmm...In the superior West Coast, no mortal smokes around here. Don't fret.
* After the Stanley Cup riots, our mayor had to ban climbing up companies' belongings. Not to mention police cars! Wow! (Incoming whiffs of pepper spray vapors! Gag!)

Maurice Goddard with:
Top Twelve Anagrammy Rankings

1. Meyran Kraus
2. Tony Crafter
3. Adie Pena
4. Dharam Khalsa
5. Larry Brash
6. Scott Gardner
7. Ellie Dent
8. Chris Sturdy
9. David Bourke
10. Rosie Perera
11. Andrew Brehaut
12. Rick Rothstein

=

1. Rarer Art King spurs a "Yeah!"
2. Better than Browning
3. Dalai Lama?
4. She can beat Mey K!
5. Kangaroo Shrink
6. Palindrome Lover
7. Cleverer
8. Horrid Stretchy Pus
9. Raw Rude Master
10. A Sunny Star!
11. Addicted
12. Dirty Freak!

Rosie Perera with:
Rick Perry's "Strong" Advertisement

I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a Christian.

But you don't need to be in the pew every Sunday to know that there's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can't openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school.

As President, I'll end Obama's war on religion, and I'll fight against liberal attacks on our religious heritage.

Faith made America strong. It can make her strong again.

I'm Rick Perry, and I approve this message.

=
National Change

I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm strikingly homophobic. I would rather never tolerate gay people serving in the military, even serving me at Starbucks! I'd segregate or arrest the kinky transgressors.

I'm also not ashamed my type of Christianity means sitting in the pew each Sunday. It has nothing to do with doing what our Lord actually said, treating strangers properly.

I'm Rick Perry, and I'd be a rotten choice for Republican nominee. Unless it can ensure Barack Obama wins.

Meyran Kraus with:
Rick Perry's "Strong" Advertisement

I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a Christian.

But you don't need to be in the pew every Sunday to know that there's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can't openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school.

As President, I'll end Obama's war on religion, and I'll fight against liberal attacks on our religious heritage.

Faith made America strong. It can make her strong again.

I'm Rick Perry, and I approve this message.

=

Rick Perry here again.

Many nice people keep calling me and warn that there are priorities and it's time to turn to IMPORTANT issues as this nation's in a crisis, various banks and corporations are going bankrupt and lots of brave Americans are losing their homes.

My God! The gays did all that? I thought the gays were merely ravaging the army!

Be sure to watch my second commercial, "Let's bomb the Indians, they ruined Thanksgiving for us".

I'm Rick Perry and I totally don't want to win the elections.

Harshal M. with:
I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a Christian.

But you don't need to be in the pew every Sunday to know that there's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can't openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school.

As President, I'll end Obama's war on religion, and I'll fight against liberal attacks on our religious heritage.

Faith made America strong. It can make her strong again.

I'm Rick Perry, and I approve this message.

=

A short paragraph of what he actually states:

I am not ashamed to go and look like an irritating little ninny.

Crappy guys like me are the reason America's soaring much worse. Back the other night, I instantly established it with an unconvincing video I cast.

Elect me and you're gagging it up immeasurably more. Any man with a decent brain will drop that nonsense or vote for someone brighter.

I am Rick Perry, and I'd be the most disastrous president in history.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Michael Moore: "If anyone should be on trial or in the brig right now, it should be those men who lied to the nation in order to start this war -- and in doing so sent nearly 4,500 Americans and hundreds of thousands of Iraqis to their deaths."
=
Aha! I'd arrest/isolate/lash/torture hothead idiot earthworms Bush and Cheney (not intended to dishonor 4,500 earthworms) for endless questioning, while I'd nominate Bradley Manning for sainthood for his goal in the contributions.

Meyran Kraus with:
I propose that legislation be passed to ban UK shopping centres and retail chains from playing any of the following songs, under pain of death for the store and/or centre management, and to get some imagination...there are tens of thousands of seasonal tunes to choose from, yet they insist in force-feeding you the following mindless tripe, in endless rotation from the end of October until early January. If I worked in a shop I'd go quite insane:

1. 'Last Christmas' - Wham
2. 'Stop The Cavalry' - Jonah Lewie
3. 'Do They Know It's Christmas' - Band Aid
4. 'Merry Christmas Everyone' - Shakin' Stevens
5. 'Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time' - Paul McCartney
6. 'I Believe in Father Christmas' - Greg Lake
7. '2000 Miles' - The Pretenders
8. 'Happy Christmas War is Over' - John Lennon
9. 'All I Want for Christmas is You' - Mariah Carey
10. 'Thank God It's Christmas' - Queen

There should be a special dispensation for 'Merry ChristmasEverybody' by Slade and 'The Fairytale of New York' by The Pogues and Kirsty McColl, but not before December 1st., and for a maximum three (3) plays per day.

Thank you.

=

Oh, you don't know the half of it, my friend! Some of the shopping centers, dentist offices and call-waiting services over here seek to keep the tradition of crappy fluff intact by playing many joyless synth or MIDI versions of tepid easy-listening themes, ordinarily 3,000 times in a row - as if my country hadn't reached the 21st century!

Perhaps these hokey adaptations were stomachable hits in simpler times, but today, this quirky playlist is a loathsome and highly unwarranted practice. Here are the worst of these hideous duds:

1. Antonio Carlos Jobim's 'The Girl from Ipanema'
2. Max Steiner's 'Theme from a Summer Place'
3. Richard Clayderman's 'Ballade pour Adeline'
4. The folk song 'Greensleeves'
5. Frank Sinatra's 'Strangers in the Night'
6. Acker Bilk's 'Stranger on the Shore'
7. Elton John's 'Your Song'
8. Neil Diamond's 'September Morn'
9. Chicago's 'If You Leave Me Now'
10. Barry Manilow's 'Copacabana', Barry Manilow's 'Mandy' and ANY OTHER SONG BY BARRY EFFING MANILOW.

That is NOT music. That's qualified as a method of torture under the Geneva Conventions. Please stop.

Tony Crafter with:
DB's Most Hated Christmas Songs

1. 'Last Christmas' - Wham
2. 'Stop The Cavalry' - Jonah Lewie
3. 'Do They Know It's Christmas' - Band Aid
4. 'Merry Christmas Everyone' - Shakin' Stevens
5. 'Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time' - Paul McCartney
6. 'I Believe in Father Christmas' - Greg Lake
7. '2000 Miles' - The Pretenders
8. 'Happy Christmas War is Over' - John Lennon
9. 'All I Want for Christmas is You' - Mariah Carey
10. 'Thank God It's Christmas' - Queen

=

1. Catchy George Michael track that's heard 2000 times per day in shops.
2. Halt the military equestrians!
3. Massive charity single.
4. Just a fancy-pants Elvis
5. The old Beatles bassist having a merry romp
6. Prokofiev with bells on
7. Wow, man! Chrissie Hinds' vocals rock!
8. John Lennon's anthem (with his caterwauling partner)
9. Mammose diva has a monster chart-hit
10. Smirky Freddie and chums' wry assessment

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 108

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
These are all supposedly based on quotes from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and describe things people actually said in court (but perhaps not quite literally, as some have been altered just a bit to create this anagram!) All are on record and have now been published by court reporters.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Paula?'
ATTORNEY: And this upset you because...?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
WITNESS: Pink Gucci sweats and purple Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, has it affected your memory at all?
WITNESS: It has.
ATTORNEY: Just how has this affected your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: I see. Perhaps you could give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, is it true that if a person dies in his sleep, he does not know about it until the following morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exams?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The middle son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he, please?
WITNESS: He is twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: It was.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, is this true?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: And were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
~
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the wrongdoer?
WITNESS: Yes, I'd say that he was regular height, medium weight and had a rather long beard.
ATTORNEY: Was the wrongdoer male or female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to the deposition notice that we sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: Er, no; this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The living ones put up too much of a fight.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, right? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall what time you examined Mr Tennent's body?
WITNESS: Yes, Mr Attorney, the autopsy started around 8PM
ATTORNEY: And Tennent was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give urine samples?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And finally:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Then it's possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy... yes?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: Okay, but could the patient have been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it's possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

3rd - Adie Pena with:
Winter Shores

Tony Crafter with:
Winter by William Shakespeare

nedesto with:
Christmastide - Howard P Lovecraft

nedesto with:
New Year's Hymn - James Monroe Whitfield

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Twelve Days of Christmas

December 14, 2011
My kindest darling Thomas:

Oh, I'm so delighted! Who in the whole world would ever have dreamt of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my gratitude?

Thank you a thousand times for thinking of me in this unselfish way.

My unconditional love always,
Agnes

**************************************

December 15, 2011
Dearest Thomas:

Today the postman brought your fantastic gift. Since childhood, I've only imagined owning one turtle dove, not two! I'm delighted at the precious gift. They are so adorable!

All my love,
Agnes

**************************************

December 16, 2011
Dear Thomas:

Aren't you the thoughtful one! Now, I must protest. I don't deserve such a splendid gift--three French hens! They are the perfect addition to this bird collection, but I insist. You've been very generous.

In appreciation,
Agnes

************************************

December 17, 2011
Dearest Thomas:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. They are melodic, but really, don't you think enough is enough? You are being too romantic.

Love,
Agnes

*************************************

December 18, 2011
Dear Thomas:

Gosh, what a surprise! Today the mailman delivered five golden rings, a ring on every finger of my hand. You're eccentric, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds were getting on my nerves.

Affectionately,
Agnes

************************************

December 19, 2011
Dear Thomas:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese a-laying on my front step. It's disappointing to see that you're back to those birds again.

Those geese are undisciplined and conspicuous. Where else will I put them all if it snows? The neighbours downwind are telephoning to complain or threaten me, and what's more, I can't sleep through the noise. Please, just stop.

Cordially,
Agnes

************************************

December 20, 2011
Hello Thomas:

Oh, come on--what's with the freaking birds? And, why this charity? Seven wet swans a-swimming? What kind of pathetic childish joke is this? There is bird poop all over the house, and they never stop the awful tuneless cacophony. Meanwhile, I cannot sleep at night, and my wits are totally shot. It's ridiculous! When do we stop with this annoying bird routine??

Stressed out,

Agnes

**************************************
~
December 21, 2011
Thomas:

OK Smarty, I think I prefer those birds. What in the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? And, as if it weren't enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, they had to bring their damn cows. There's manure all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house.
Just lay off me, buster!

Agnes

***************************************

December 22, 2011
Hey Creep:

What are you? Some kind of sadist, I'm sure. Now there are nine pipers playing. And do they play! They haven't stopped chasing the maids since they got here yesterday morning, but the cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.

What am I going to do? The neighbours have just started to sign a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours!
Agnes

*************************************

December 23, 2011
You rotten person:

Now there are ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those women ladies! They've been keeping those pipers up all night long.

The cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of manure. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I have called the police on you!

Your ex-friend,
Agnes

*************************************

December 24, 2011
Listen Pig Brain:

What's with those eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those poor women will never walk again. Those pipers have already run through the maids and have started in on the cows! All twenty-three of the exotic birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine!

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

******************************************

December 25, 2011
Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of the twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes G. McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total.

All correspondence should come directly to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.

You will find attached to this letter a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Howe

Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 129

Dharam Khalsa with:
New Year's Day

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