MAY 2009 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2009

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Rosie Perera with:
Miss California's breast implants funded by pageant=
And it seems super big tits and small brain can pay off.

2nd - Larry Brash with:
The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland =
The former big-hearted land turned into a drinking nation.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Sandro Botticelli's famous painting 'The Birth of Venus'. =
A prim, so-cute virgin stands in the buff (in a shell, to boot!)

Dharam Khalsa with:
Quote by President Barack Obama: "I'm pleased with the progress we've made, but I'm not satisfied." =
He is upbeat, not a pessimist, despite mad debate, windbag quarrels, overwork, bit of mayhem, etc.

Rick Rothstein with:
A Britain's Got Talent contestant, ten-year old Hollie Steel =
Note: Little girl, on a roll and, as yet, not a teen, is the best act.

Dharam Khalsa with:
John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Starr =
My stern parents' horror and anger on hallucinogenic jargon.

Adie Pena with:
The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals =
Isn't creative Runner a hit? Hefty Acme item falls on poor Coyote!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Federico Fellini's most famous achievement, "La dolce vita" =
The Cannes Film Festival five-decade memorial is out. Cool!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers." - Mahatma Gandhi =
And hey, I hope he'd agree to ban the quarrelsome prevaricating FOX TV empire personality!

David Bourke with:
Manchester United lose the Champions League final to Barcelona =
In reflection, no panache. The laughable team's outclassed in Rome.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Chimpanzee Politics: Power and Sex among Apes by Frans de Waal =
A few bad pampered pet animals can explain why Congress is zoo

Dean Mayer with:
Bill Cash refuses to quit over expenses claims for rent for his daughter's flat =
He expresses unequivocal, crass belief in right to stuff all that reform dross

db with:

The leader of the Conservative and Unionist Party
of Great Britain, David William Donald Cameron, MP
=
Tainted! A conniving toad had a bill approved to
remove wisteria from a chimney...an utter fiddle. Snarl!

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
A SHORT LOVE STORY.

A man and woman who'd never met before, and who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Although decidedly uneasy over having to share the compartment, they were both rather tired and dropped off to sleep quickly...

He was in the upper bunk and she was in the lower bunk.

Shortly after midnight, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman, whispering, "Sorry to bother you, but would you mind reaching into the bedside closet to get me a second blanket? I'm feeling rather cold."

"Oh, but I have a much better idea," she purred. "Just for this one night, let us pretend that we're married to each other."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he replied delightedly.

"Right," she said. "Find your own f***ing blanket."

After a brief silence, he farted.

THE END

=

A BEDTIME TEASER.

After twenty years of marriage, a couple were lying in bed one night, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in a way he hadn't for some time.

He started to caress her hair and neck, then began to move down. He stroked her shoulders, then smoothly worked his way down over her breasts, stopping just by the lower abdomen area. He then placed a hand on her left arm, moved it titillatingly alongside her breast again, working down over her buttock, leg, calf and feet to the toes. Then, he proceeded to trail it up her inner leg, stopping at the top. He continued in a similar manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled back and started to watch the TV.

Having become quite aroused, the wife murmured amorously, 'Oh man, that was wonderful! But why did you stop?'

He replied, 'I found the remote'.
?

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The American Dream

An American business consultant on vacation was lolling on the pier of a coastal Mexican village, when a small boat with a solo fisherman docked. Inside the boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the lucky Mexican man loudly on the size and quality of his tuna fish.

"How long did it take you to catch them?" the American queried.

"Only a little while," the Mexican man replied.

"Golly, why don't you stay out longer then and catch more fish?" the curious man asked.

"I have enough now to support my own family's needs," the lowly Mexican answered.

The American man asked, "What do you do with all the rest of your time?"

The lowly fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, stroll into the village each evening, where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, se–or."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you with a sound solution. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat. Then with the proceeds from the large boat you could buy several bigger boats. Finally, you would have a whole fleet of fishing boats."
~
"To emphasize my overview, instead of selling off your catch to a middleman, you would sell it direct to the consumers, eventually opening your own commercial tuna factory. You would control the hand labor done, mechanical processing, and distribution. You'd leave this small coastal fishing village and head off to Mexico City, the Bahamas, then LA, and finally off to a NYC home, where your famed expanding enterprise would be based."

The meek fisherman asked, "Whew, se–or, how long will this all take?"

The American said, "Oh, maybe twenty years."

"What then?" the Mexican questioned.

The American laughed, "Ha, ha, ha! That's the best part. When the time is right you will announce an IPO (Initial Public Offering) and sell your company stock to the public, becoming very rich. You would amass millions!"

"Millions, se–or? Then what?" the Mexican asked.

The American hemmed and hawed and said quite slowly, "Then (ahem) you would retire... head off to a small coastal fishing village... where you would sleep late...fish a little... play with your grandbabies...take a siesta...stroll to the village in the evening with your faithful wife...have some wine...and maybe play a guitar with your amigos..."

3rd - Adie Pena with:
During a recent visit to a mental asylum, I asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not one should be locked up in this institution?"

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a huge bathtub then we offer a teaspoon, a small teacup and a large bucket to a patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

=

"Oh, isn't that remarkable theoretically?" I admitted. "A normal one, anytime, would use the bucket because it's bigger; and the battiest, flakiest person, the minute spoon or the teacup."

"No, thickhead!" the authoritative Director huffed. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near this window?"

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Bottle of Wine

To all of you who are married, wish that you weren't, will be married soon, or never want to wed, this gem is sure to make you start giggling the next time you see a bottle of wine.

Sally was driving the stretch home to Colorado from a Flagstaff, Arizona business trip, when she was distracted by an elderly Navajo woman wrapped in a thunderbolt blanket walking on the side of the road.

As the last stretch was quite boring, Sally stopped and asked the old woman if she would like a ride.
The grandmotherly Navajo woman gave a silent nod of thanks, then climbed in.
~
Resuming the drive, Sally tried to make a bit of small talk with this Navajo woman. The old woman, culturally of few words, sat beside her in silence, looking around the car, staring at everything she saw, studying every small detail, until she noticed a brown paper bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What is in bag?" the old woman asked quietly.

Sally looked down at the brown freezer bag and answered, "That? A bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The serious Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the wisdom of a prophetic elder, she offered:

"Good trade....."

Rosie Perera with:
"We are cautiously optimistic that this particular strain will not be more severe than a normal seasonal flu outbreak." (Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano)

=

See, I told you so! It's just that everyone in our recalcitrant urban area likes to attract a mortal panic. Malaria will butcher many more people this season than "swine" flu.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.

=

Not the Post Office motto, an ancient epithet from Herodotus on rough riders ferrying in slow mail thrown on Persian horses.

Ellie Dent with:
A SPRING VIEW

Though a country be sundered, hills and rivers endure;
And spring comes green again to trees and grasses.
Where petals have been shed like tears
And lonely birds have sung their grief.
After the war-fires of three months,
One message from home is worth a ton of gold.

I stroke my white hair. It has grown too thin to hold the hairpins any more.

=

WINTER

'Oh God!' cries the soldier hoarsely, a broken cripple,
'Forgive us our trespasses, and our transgessors...'
but falters, haemorrhaging, then dies.
The final enduring sleep. Twilight everywhere.
Many think a dishonest, a greedy government has
been mad to send him to the front.

A grieving old woman sees her hero... or was that a shadow of him, then, in a fire

Adie Pena with:
First of May

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
AUSSIE RECRUIT'S LETTER HOME.

This is a text of a letter from an excited young army-recruit from Eromanga, to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum and Dad,

I'm very well. Hope youse are very well too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settlin in at first, because ya don't have to get outta bed until six in the mornin. But I like sleeping in now, coz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and polish ya boots and clean off ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin! Ya haz ta have a shower though, but I've decided it's not too bad, coz there's loadsa hot water and even a light so's ya can see what ya's doing!

At brekky ya get the choices of cereals, fruits and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like Mum makes. Ya don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the pansy city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - but, jeez it's only like strollin to the old windmill in the back paddock!

Oh, yeah - this one'll kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep gettin bloody medals for shootin - I dunno why.
~
They reckon I'm good as any top marksman! But the bullseye's as big as a possum's bum and it don't move away and it don't fire back like the Wallmans did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!

All ya gotta do is just make yourself comfy, aim and hit the target. It's a piece of piss! Ya don't even load your cartridges, they come in little boxes, and ya don't have ta steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shootin' truck when ya reload!

Sometimes you gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fightin with Doug and Phil and Monkey and Joe and Kenny and Wozza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer neither. Looks like I am the best we got in our platoon at the moment, and I've only been beat once, by some bloke from the Engineers squad - he's six-foot-four tall and weighs nineteen stone and he's three pick handles across the shoulders. As ya know I'm only five-foot-five, and seven stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off, still punchin, to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the lads ta get in the queue quick before word gets around how bloody good it all is.

Well, gotta go now, Mum and Dad.

From your loving daughter,

Sheila

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Right Said Fred

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
Where the Sidewalk Ends

Dharam Khalsa with:
On May Morning

Dharam Khalsa with:
Scrabble Limerick

Adie Pena with:
To The First Robin

Dharam Khalsa with:
Scrabble Limerick

The Anagrammy Awards

MAY 2009 NOMINATIONS

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

THE LONG CATEGORY

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

THE RUDE CATEGORY