JUNE 2009 NOMINATIONS

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
If love isn't here ~
then life is over.

2nd - David Bourke with:
Weight gain ~
with ageing.

3rd - Paul Laskoski with:
Nutrition Facts =
Info I can't trust.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Strawberry shortcake and heavy cream topping =
Making a proven party, screw the carbohydrates!

Tony Crafter with:
A night-laser ~
lights arena.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Operating twenty-four/seven =
Urgent: we never stop any of it

Rosie Perera with:
Auto-erotic asphyxiation =
You stop air....Ah, excitation!

Rosie Perera with:
Herbivorousness =
Oh, serve us no ribs.

Zoran Radisavlevic with:
Zero points =
Prize? Not so!

Rosie Perera with:
Genetically modified organism =
Noted idyllic farm image is gone.

Scott Gardner with:
Antidepressant =
Patented an SSRI.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Weather forecast =
For the crew at sea.

Adie Pena with:
Children should be seen not heard =
End loud, brash horde; then silence.

Rosie Perera with:
Staying hunkered down ~
hides unknown tragedy.

Rosie Perera with:
Sustainable agriculture =
I use natural article: bugs!

View with:
Pharmacies =
Mishap care.

Hans-Peter Reich with:
Auto insurance =
Use on a car unit.

Rosie Perera with:
Have you hugged your child today? =
O hardy guy! Oh, give youth a cuddle.

Ellie Dent with:
Our sovereigns =
So reign over us.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Patience and wisdom =
As depicted in woman

View with:
Treasure chest =
Sh, a true secret!

Paul Lusch with:
Leader of the free world =
Referred to head fellow.

Rosie Perera with:
Adopt no militancy in real ~
international diplomacy.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Extramarital affairs =
A mix after altar's fair?

Rosie Perera with:
One's instinct =
Inconsistent.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Persnickety =
Pesky cretin.

Rosie Perera with:
Music festival ~
fuels activism.

Rosie Perera with:
Criminal impersonation =
I claim I'm Ron, a tennis pro.

David Bourke with:
Domestic waste disposal regulations =
More stupid stone-aged socialist laws.

Ellie Dent with:
So, mists inspire ~
Impressionists.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Censorship on the Internet =
None post thirteen-inchers.

Rosie Perera with:
The tobacco industry =
Rich tycoons abutted.

Rosie Perera with:
The asylum seekers ~
may seek US shelter.

Rosie Perera with:
Photographers =
The sharp go pro.

Rick Rothstein with:
Overeaters Anonymous =
Meaty or ravenous ones.

Rosie Perera with:
Anagrams will get you far in life =
I saw Larry got a meaningful life.

Scott Gardner with:
The lower classes ~
were cashless lot.

Dean Mayer with:
Optical mouse =
Use PC? I'm a tool

Rosie Perera with:
Pregnant belly painting =
Let party planning begin!

Neil Ramsay with:
News mentions ~
women's tennis.

Dean Mayer with:
The Director's Cut =
Thus, correct edit?

Dharam Khalsa with:
Impressionistic art =
Artist's imprecision.

Dean Mayer with:
I am stunned à
It's mundane

Rick Rothstein with:
Fireworks display =
O, wild, fiery sparks.

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - View with:
Miss California's ~
as firm as silicon.

2nd - Adie Pena with:
Rodgers and Hammerstein's "The Sound of Music" =
For me, I'm sure songs touched hearts and minds.

3rd - Scott Gardner with:
Impressionist Edouard Manet =
Nude maids to inspire maestro?

Andrew Brehaut with:
Britains Got Talent =
Bitter gal: "No it 'asn't!"

Tony Crafter with:
Dali: 'The Burning Giraffe'. =
Head-baffling intriguer!

Scott Gardner with:
Tetris game =
Great times.

Adie Pena with:
The Broadway musical "Billy Elliot" won ten Tonys =
No shit! I will now let my boys dance at your ballet.

Adrian Hickford with:
Beyonce's album "I am ... Sasha Fierce" =
Embrace easy, fashionable music.

Dean Mayer with:
Reality TV show =
That is very low.

Tony Crafter with:
Reasonably secure =
Susan Boyle career?

Scott Gardner with:
Susan Margaret Boyle ‡
A royal stage's number.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Susan Boyle due back on tour after "rest day" =
Ask beefy Scotland star, "Are you burned out?"

David Bourke with:
United States actress Katherine Noelle Holmes =
Stand near little Tom Cruise, see she has to kneel!

Rosie Perera with:
Susan Boyle makes concert comeback =
Mob can see, embrace classy knockout.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Sarah Palin versus late night host David Letterman =
She's livid at that human pervert's darn allegations.

Rosie Perera with:
Late night television =
It's the giant Leno, live!

Rick Rothstein with:
Jon and Kate Gosselin, ~
singles... and not a joke.

Scott Gardner with:
Terminator IV: Salvation =
It's not an art movie rival.

David Bourke with:
Argentinian tennis player Gisela Dulko =
One real stunner I'd like playing against!

Rick Rothstein with:
A Charlie's Angel star Farrah Fawcett =
Her last fight was a rare, fatal cancer.

Scott Gardner with:
Mos Eisley Cantina =
Aliens come in, stay.

Linus Thoren with:
Tyler Durden's goal=
Strong deadly rule.

David A. Green with:
"Travels in the Interior of Africa" by Mungo Park =
I fancy a tour to banks of the primal Niger River.

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Andrew Brehaut with:
The Normandy landing site =
A silent morning then... D-Day.

2nd - David Bourke with:
The Prime Minister of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi =
Enemies vilify this most corrupt billionaire.

3rd - Rick Rothstein with:
Will there be a Palestinian State? ~
When a patient, able Israel lets it.

Dharam Khalsa with:
General Motors Corporation =
More operators gain control.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Suicide or self-inflicted accident in death of actor =
Carradine is found tied, ice cold, in the closet (if fact).

David Bourke with:
The New Labour Party is in meltdown =
Brown not wanted. His time really up.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Sarah Palin: "Screw political correctness" =
Her occasional new scripts are still crap!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Auto-erotic asphyxiation =
Exotic Thai autopsy: "No air".

Rosie Perera with:
English language to reach a million words =
Gain allows huge long emails and rhetoric.

Adie Pena with:
The American economy sinks =
My income? Thank a recession! :-(

Tony Crafter with:
Leona Lewis offers advice to 'BGT's mooning Susan Boyle =
A) Sing your ass off on stage.
B) Don't believe Simon Cowell!

Paul Lusch with:
Crackdown on pilot fatigue =
Too awful danger in cockpit.

Paul Lusch with:
Mirhossein Mousavi =
Our mission: Save him.

Tony Crafter with:
Cristiano Ronaldo's dream =
Real Madrid star-icon. Soon!

Dharam Khalsa with:
David Carradine's employee, glibly, on his end, ~
"He died clad only in ropes and a very big smile."

View with:
Netanyahu's revolution =
No value in a nut's theory!

Rosie Perera with:
NASA launches rocket to moon =
So, make lunar contact soon, eh?

Dharam Khalsa with:
Simon Cowell 'Made Mistakes' with Susan Boyle =
Boss: Yes, we almost killed the woman musician.

View with:
Iran arrests hundreds in clashes =
Tehran crisis, rules and hardness.

Adie Pena with:
Iran election fraud =
Fair deal in recount?

Meyran Kraus with:
The Iranian elections fraud =
I felt an insurrection ahead.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Monkey urinates on Zambian president =
Enzyme intrusion on Pres. Banda at mike.

Meyran Kraus with:
The Irani elections =
Shi'ite intolerance.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The pop singer Michael Jackson dies =
Leading act perishes (no chimp jokes).

Rosie Perera with:
Michael Jackson is dead of cardiac arrest =
Major and farcical sicko's heart did cease.

Dean Mayer with:
News of train crash in Viareggio =
Town is having carriages on fire

Dharam Khalsa with:
Madoff reduced to nothing =
Good! Handcuff time, rodent!

Larry Brash with:
The actor, David Carradine =
Death (not cardiac) arrived.

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
Piers Morgan.
Simon Cowell.
Amanda Holden =
Nerd on panel.
Megalomaniac.
Oh...Miss World!

2nd - SpursKevin with:
Thomas Bruce, the Seventh Earl of Elgin =
Unforgiven cheat, he stole the Marbles.

3rd - David Bourke with:
Chastity Bono =
A snooty bitch.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Susan Boyle =
So, any blues?

View with:
Susan Margaret Boyle =
Songs by real amateur.

View with:
Susan Margaret Boyle =
A bore; ugly star's name.

David Bourke with:
Susan Margaret Boyle =
Larger mass, no beauty.

Tony Crafter with:
Susan Melody George=
Gorgeous and seemly.

David Bourke with:
Lorraine Tighe =
Ignore the liar.

View with:
Arlovski =
Rival's KO.

View with:
Author Willard R. Espy =
Hi, 'Words at play' ruler!

Ellie Dent with:
Edouard Manet, Father of Impressionism =
He's famous for modern art, and impieties.

Rosie Perera with:
Edouard Manet =
Am one art dude.

Adie Pena with:
The actor Gary Alan Sinise ~
has a great role at CSI in NY.

Larry Brash with:
The serial killer Ted Bundy =
Deliberately kindles hurt.

Scott Gardner with:
H. D. Thoreau =
He'd author.

Rick Rothstein with:
President Mahmoud Saborjhian Ahmadinejad =
Major job? Ah, indeed... this madman heads up Iran.

Scott Gardner with:
Writer Chastity Sun Bono =
Switcher turns into a boy.

David Bourke with:
Katharine Anne Ussher MP =
Sharp sneak, in the manure!

Ellie Dent with:
Tom Cruise, a megastar =
ME! I'm great as US actor!

Paul Lusch with:
The Gosselins =
Eight lessons.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Iran's Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei =
Iranian alpha male, yet has meek residual role.

Linus Thoren with:
The dictator Adolf Hitler's wife Eva Braun ~
awaited at the Fuhrer's novice bridal loft.

Rosie Perera with:
Neda Agha-Soltan =
A gal, a shot, an end.

Meyran Kraus with:
Charlie's angel Farrah Fawcett =
Her cancer fight was real fatal.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Michael Jackson, the quintessential "King of Pop" =
A note: Janet's one quick nipple flash got him sick.

Meyran Kraus with:
Ingenious star Michael Jackson =
A rock musician joins the angels.

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Scott Gardner with:
The Palestinian Territories =
Anti-Israeli protest in there.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Microsoft operating system Windows Seven =
Now comes this - some pretty, new design for Vista!

3rd - David Bourke with:
The British Association of Anger Management =
IT HAS TO SO BENEFIT MAN IN A HOT SCREAMING RAGE!!!!!

Dharam Khalsa with:
International Flat Earth Society =
Faith in Creator, yet little on NASA.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Harley-Davidson motorcycle =
Very solid and hot real McCoy.

Rosie Perera with:
International Criminal Court =
Can't not rein in racial turmoil.

Adie Pena with:
The United Arab Emirates =
Dubai, a 'Main Street' there.

Tony Crafter with:
NY's 'The Grand Central Station Terminal'. =
Old-style train center, rings Manhattan.

Adie Pena with:
The Ugly American =
They came a-ruling.

View with:
The Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant in Ukraine =
The uncannily blown peripheral nuke reactor.

Ellie Dent with:
Basilica of Saint Paul, Outside-The-Walls in Rome =
If a true apostle, Italians would claim his bones.

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
ARSE-EMOTICONS:

(_!_) Any normal arse.

(_o_) Some arse that's been around.

(__!__) Oh my! This is one fat arse!

(!) A tight arse.

(_,_) A cute arse.

(_x_) Kiss my arse.

=


(_*_) A sore arse.

(_?_) A dumb-arse.

(_X_) No one enters into *this* arse!

{_!_} A shaky arse.

(_$_) Has money coming out of his arse.

(_E-mc2_) A smart-arse.

(_T_) T-slit? Aye!

2nd - Adie Pena with:
The American composer Leonard Bernstein's "West Side Story" =
Show's esoteric director presents Tony, Maria and ensemble.

3rd - Dean Mayer with:
Susan Boyle is rushed to The Priory Clinic after shock defeat =
Obesity's price: nurses hurry to hide the cakes - all food in fact!

Rosie Perera with:
The Elements of Style by William Strunk, Jr. and E.B. White =
Mild men write better when fussy killjoys enable that.

Rosie Perera with:
Wealthy New York inmate Tuvai Stern gets away with throwing fancy "Behind-Bars Mitzvah" for his son. =
Manhattan warden views rich nut's ritzy affair within, yawns, thinks: "What the...?!" Bloomberg goes, "Oy vey!"

David Bourke with:
The President of the Islamic Republic of Iran, Mahmoud Saborjhian Ahmadinejad =
"Join up jihad front, proud land! Bomb infidels!" (He hates America, America hates him.)

Dharam Khalsa with:
Anti-David Letterman protest In New York draws approximately three dozen people. =
Snap! Palin realized only thirty-six more wanted to demote 'perverted' network papa.

Rosie Perera with:
Controlling the Assault of Non-Solicited Pornography and Marketing Act =
Locking out all that darn annoying foreign spam so as to protect children.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything is forty-two" =
Heavy! However, we must first test out that old nineteen-eighties query for inflation.

Rosie Perera with:
The Los Alamos National Laboratory's Roadrunner supercomputer =
On a roll, or starts to cross a rural road to haul in a bunny. Meep! Meep!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Q. What is your answer called if you multiply an integer by itself?=
A. I'd yell, "Why, ya silly unwitting fool, it's a perfect square number!"

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[Twelve plant names are in the anagram (Elder, ash, hazel, aster, mango, melon, iris, pine, pea, sage, oat, lime). They are in green.]

"In June, as many as a dozen species may burst their buds on a single day.
No man can heed all of these anniversaries; no man can ignore all of them." - Aldo Leopold
=

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards two men playing the next hole.

Thwack! The ball hit one of the men, hard.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, then clattered down to the ground, where he writhed around in agony.

The woman quickly ran over to the man, and started to apologize. 'Please let me help.' She said. 'My job is a Physical Therapy Practitioner, and I know that I could relieve the pain somewhat, if you'd just let me.'

'It doesn't matter, I'll be just fine in a few minutes,' the man replied through gritted teeth; but it was quite obvious that he was in agony, lying in the foetal position, hands clutching his groin.

As a result of her persistence, however, he at last let her help. She gently took his hands away and placed them at his side, then unhitched his pants and put both her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several moments and then asked him, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!'

=

An eighty-one-year old man was requested by his doctor to have a sperm-count check as one part of his health assessment. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this home and bring along a semen sample tomorrow.'

Early the following day the man appeared again in the medic's office and returned the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day!

The doctor asked what had happened, and the ill-at-ease man replied, 'Well, it was like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried using my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife to help. She tried with her right hand, then her left hand, still nothing. She tried with her mouth too, first with teeth in, then with her teeth out, but still nothing.

'We even asked Millie from next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit. She even tried squeezing it between her knees, but it was still absolutely useless.'

The doctor was appalled. 'Oh, my God! You called out a female neighbour especially?'

The old man replied, 'Yep. None of us could get the jar open.'

2nd - Ellie Dent with:
Detective Sherlock Holmes, and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.

After a good meal and a couple of bottles of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful companion awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson deliberated carefully then replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. ~

Astronomically, that tells me there is a big new and wondrous body of unfathomed, and unsurpassed planets.

Horologically, I deduce it is now half-past seven.

Theologically, I do think that God's all powerful, and that we who are men fated, when we're small, weak and dependent.

Finally then, meteorologically, if I'm not mistaken, I'd speculate the outlook for tomorrow, a week ahead even, is pleasant."

After a short silence, Holmes spoke:

"Watson, you idiot. Some bastard's stolen our tent."

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
My grandchild asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"

"We didn't have fast foods when I was a child," I informed him. "All the food was slow."

"C'mon, but seriously," he smirked, "Where did you eat?"

"It was a little place we called a 'Home'," I smiled.

"Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we would all sit down together at the dining table and say a nice blessing before eating."

~

"McDonald's was a farm song," I winked. "If we didn't like a food Mother offered, we were allowed to sit there until we did like it! No, Timothy, 'Home' was never a democracy - 'Home or the highway!'"

By now, my hefty grandson was laughing so hard I was worried his rowdy guffaws would cause bodily damage. I decided not to even tell him about how we had to clean the plates and gracefully ask Dad's permission to leave the table!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Adaptation of two fables by Aesop:

The Monkey and the Camel

Once the Beasts of the green forest glen gave a splendid entertainment, at which the Monkey stood up and danced. When he had enchanted that assembly, he sat down again amidst universal applause. The leggy Camel, envious of the cheery praise bestowed on the Monkey, and desirous to divert to himself the favor of all the guests, proposed to stand up now, as well, and dance for their cheers. He moved about in such a ridiculous gawky manner that all the other guests, in a fit of angry indignation, set upon him at once with their clubs and drove him away from the assembly.

Moral of the story:
It is absurd to ape our betters.

=

The Monkey and the Cat

A Monkey and a Cat lived amiably together, but it was not obvious who was a greater thief. One day, the duo found some people's unattended chestnuts roasting and popping amid a campfire's sparks. "Come, Amie," the cunning Monkey said to the Cat, "We shall have a sumptuous feast tonight! Your claws are better than my fingers for pulling the goods out of ashes. We shall 'borrow' them, and will each possess half." She did dig them out patiently, one by one, burning her claws. After she had stolen all of them, she discovered, bewildered and devastated, that her sinister companion had eaten every one.

Moral of the story:
A thief cannot be trusted, even by another thief.

Adie Pena with:
A man boarded a plane in New Orleans with a humongous box of 12 frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She nicely took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioned in a very haughty, kick-ass manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was very annoyed by his behavior.

=

Shortly before approaching the New York gate, the unfrazzled, foxy stewardess fiddled with the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the dapper, dignified gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Wow, not one hand went up! So she took his box of crabs home and ate them.

Ha! Two happy lessons here:

1. Your asshole lawyer rats aren't as smart as they think they are. (Hardy-har-har!)

2. Beautified "va-va-voom" blonde dames aren't as birdbrained as some folks think.

David Bourke with:
The Baptist minister, political and civil rights/social justice activist, and radio talk show host, the Reverend Alfred Charles Sharpton

=

Christ! A black President...*still* this hot-headed closet racist will spout jive over this-or-that African-American's slight, and "deprivation".

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 24


2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Jack worked for the Post Office, and his job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in shaky writing to God, but with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an eighty-three-year-old widow, living on a small pension.
Yesterday somebody stole my purse. It had one hundred pounds in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. This Sunday, it's Christmas Day, and I have invited two friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with and no family to turn to. You are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Mabel Gibbs

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all his co-workers, and each one quickly dug into his, or her, wallet and came up with a few pounds.

By the time Jack made the rounds, he'd collected ninety-eight pounds, which he put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a big, warm glow thinking of Mabel and the dinner she'd be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from Mabel to God. All the workers gathered around while Jack opened the letter.

It read:

Dear God,
I can't thank you enough for what you did for me! Because of your gift of love, I was able to cook a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends about your wonderful gift.
Sincerely, Mabel Gibbs.

PS: By the way, God, there was two-pounds missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

=

Three Labradors were sitting in the waiting room of the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The black Labrador turned to the chocolate Labrador and said, 'So, why are you here?'

The brown Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything...the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.'

'So, what is the vet going to do?' said the first Labrador.

'Gonna cut my nuts off, I'm afraid,' came the despondent reply. 'They reckon it may calm me down. I'm devastated!'

'Yeah, that is sad,' said the black Labrador then turned to the yellow one and asked, 'Why are you here?'

The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, I dig up flowers and trees too! I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside my house, I dig up the carpet! But I went way over the line last Friday when I dug an enormous hole in my owner's new settee.'

'So what are they gonna do to you?' the black Lab inquired.

'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too', sniffed the dejected dog.

'How mean!' woofed the yellow Labrador, then turned to the black one and asked, 'Why are you here?'

'I'm a humper,' the black Labrador said... 'I'd hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, a fluffy toy, the video, wooden fence-posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my woman owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just could not help myself. I hopped onto her back and started hammering away'

The yellow and chocolate Labradors exchanged sad glances; one of them said... 'So, is it nuts off for you too?'

The black Lab said...'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!!'


eq3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Animal emoticons:

:]~~~~~~* Frog catching a fly
:@) Pig
:©P Pig with tongue sticking out
^(@@)^ Wise owl
:(|) Monkey
) Cheshire cat
,,,,,,,,,, Ants a-marching
}:-8 Bull
<"}}}><\ Fish

=

-------------<;)))>< Fish caught bait
I=8) Comic cow
>^..^< Cat
=^-.-^= Sleepy kitten
~~~~~~~~~8}= Snake with fangs
_@/. Snail coming right
<:3 )~~~~~ Mouse going left
{:8( Unhappy gorilla
0__/\__ Inchworm


eq3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
THE TODDLER WEIGHT-LOSS DIET

As you may have noticed, most two-year-olds are trim. The secret to their success is finally available in this new miracle diet. (You may want to consult your doctor before attempting this diet.)

DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites of the egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast, then smear the jelly all over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons, a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (three sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two dimes and a nickel, four sips of flat Sprite.

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is fresh and clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid on mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

=

DAY THREE
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup; eat one with fingers, rub in hair and shirt. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sticky sucker from the rug, lick off fur, and put it on cushion of dad's best chair.

Lunch: Eat three wooden matches, peanut butter (protein) and jelly sandwich. Spit out several bites onto the kitchen floor. Pour glass of milk on the table and slurp it up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, orange punch. Try to laugh a little through your nose, if possible.

LAST DAY
Breakfast: A little toothpaste, bit of soap (nontoxic), one oily olive. Pour glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup of honey. Once cereal is soggy, drink sweet milk. Give gooey cereal to the dog. Drop vitamin and genuine Tonka toy down heat vent.

Lunchtime: Eat stale bread crumbs, old Dorito and dirty Cheerio off the kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Retrieve yesterday's sucker, finish it.

Dinner: Enjoy concoction of spaghetti noodles, sauce, and chocolate milk. Leave uneaten meatball on dinner plate. Try to swallow mascara tube for dessert.

(Dietitian note: A well-tolerated and nutritional weight-loss diet; no antidote is usually indicated.)


Tony Crafter with:
Islands in the Stream


Ellie Dent with:
To The First Robin


Dharam Khalsa with:
The Nest


David Bourke with:
GORDON IN TROUBLE

Based on THE RAILWAY SERIES by The Rev. W. Awdry

One morning, Thomas was being cleaned when Gordon arrived, covered in mud. "Hello, Gordon," said Thomas. "You need a wash."

"I don't have time," said Gordon. "Anyway, I'm not a fussy little engine like you." And he puffed away.

James was at the next station. He had just been cleaned. "Come on, Gordon," said his Driver. "Time for a wash. It'll make you feel better."

"Pah!" said Gordon, and he let off steam. Mud flew everywhere, and James was dirty again. "You are a naughty engine," said Gordon's Driver.

Gordon finished his journey and steamed into the Big Station. He was still covered in mud.

When the Fat Controller saw him, he was cross. "You can't pull the train like that! James will have to do it," he said.

At last, Gordon was getting a wash. He was so grubby that it took lots of men to clean him. "Mind my eyes," he moaned.

James was on his way to pull the Express. "Be careful," warned Gordon, "The hills are slippery."

The sea brings strong winds to the Island, so it makes it hard for the engines to climb Gordon's Hill. Today, there were wet leaves on the line as well.

As James came up to the Hill, he went faster and faster. "I can do it. I can do it," he puffed. But halfway up, he was not so sure.

His wheels began to slip on the leaves. "Help!" whistled James, as he started slipping back down the Hill.

Gordon saw everything. "I'm coming to help," he called. "I'll push from behind." Together, they reached the top, safe and sound.

When they arrived at the station, James asked the Fat Controller, "Please, Sir, can Gordon pull the coaches again now?"

"Only if you wash, Gordon, said the Fat Controller, firmly. "Thank you, Sir. I promise I will," smiled Gordon.

=

One day, a jowly fellow named Gordon "Glass-Eye" McHaggis awoke to find that he was Prime Minister.

So, Gordon had his yellow teeth fixed. As he beamed, he sold all the State gold reserves for ten shillings, and he raided pension funds to pay for the idle to sit on their backsides all day, and for everyone in the whole world to come and live high-on-the-hog in the "chavvy" ghettoes of Britain.

Schools deteriorated...hospitals were shut, although the N.H.S. was awash with "tsars" and managers.

The Fat Controller, Michael Martin, had to step down, for spending hundreds of thousands of pounds concealing naughty MPs' lavish expenses.

A jolly Gordon appeared on YouTube, grinning away like a maniac. Oh, how Gordon jealously, shamelessly sucked-up to President Obamessiah!

Labour suffered their worst election results in a hundred years. Why, somehow even Wales went blue! Many disloyal Ministers left like rats from a sinking ship. Following this, Gordon slammed his big clunking fist on his office table, then threw a telephone across the room.

"Can I stay in power?" asked Gordon, dejectedly. "Why, only if we have that Lisbon Treaty referendum that you promised us." said the electorate.

Anglophobe Gordon, laughing away, just said "No!". But nationwide, there were riots in the streets, and Her Majesty at last dissolved Parliament. Ultimately, there was a drawn-out General Election, and that nice dimwit David "Call Me Dave" Cameron became new Prime Minister with a mammoth majority, while the defeated Gordon was beheaded, and his ghastly New Labour thieving weasels were never heard of again. With that, there was joy and jubilation!




Adie Pena with:
Summer Sun


Dharam Khalsa with:
Summer Evening

THE RUDE CATEGORY

1st - David Bourke with:
An arse bandit ~
tried bananas.

2nd - Rick Rothstein with:
A pair of soiled panties =
Its appeal is a fine odor.

3rd - SpursKevin with:
Oral stimulation of the penis =
Fellatio: Inter-mouth passion.

Dean Mayer with:
Death of British star Danny La Rue =
The rush to Arse-Bandit Fairyland.

Tony Crafter with:
The promiscuous female ~
is foul (teams come up her!)

View with:
The orgasm =
Hm... SO GREAT!!!

Tony Crafter with:
TC's erection ‡
It's concrete!

Adie Pena with:
A huge penis =
Pee in a gush.

spurskevin with:
A small penis? ~
Anal's simple.

Meyran Kraus with:
The nudist colonies =
Oiled cunts in those.

Meyran Kraus with:
The nudist colonies =
Suited in no clothes.