Anagrammy Placegetters for December 2013

All the highly-placed anagrams from the December 2013 Anagrammy Awards.

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THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st - Rosie Perera with:
The probiotic supplement ~
helps butt emit nicer poop.

2nd - Scott Gardner with:
Classified "Secret" =
Access is filtered.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The recreational 'date-rape' sedative drug Rohypnol =
Helped a predatory rat to seduce another naive girl.

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens =
Characters are sickly child, man, boss.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Decoration of the walls in the Sistine Chapel =
Hail it as one of the nicest places in the world!

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Sandro Botticelli's The Adoration Of The Magi =
A trio hotfoot it to a blessed child in a manger.

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
The passing of Nelson Mandela =
As one man's long life path ends.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Top stories the day after Nelson Mandela's burial =
"President Obama Selfie" and "The Lousy Translator".

3rd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Two Thousand and Fourteen =
The future, and soon to dawn

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Mandela, the president of South Africa =
"The land of our fathers is emancipated."

2nd - Rosie Perera with:
South African President Nelson Mandela =
Nation felt sad, mourns in chapel, era ends.

3rd - Scott Gardner with:
The Princess Leia =
I help resistance.

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs)
=
Lunar triumph is just a movie, a sham of global scale! I saw the strings!!!

2nd - Rosie Perera with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs)
=
"Ah, just as I claim: U.S. government has Roswell UFO parts." (Abigail Smith)

3rd - Christopher Sturdy with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs)
=
His sarcasm's proving justifiable alarm, when USA's all out to get him!

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Ellie Dent with:
DOGS' LETTERS TO GOD

Dear God,
How come people smell flowers, all sorts of them, but seldom smell each other? Where are their priorities?

Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your settee, please? Or is it the same old tale?

Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, and the stingray, etc. but not a single one named after a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every dog breed cannot have its own special model, but it would be easy to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle!'

Dear God,
If a dog starts to bark his head off in the vast, deep dark forests at night-time and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, all dining room tables have on-ramps as standard?

=

Dear God,
If we dogs come back as humans, is that good... or bad?

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
When we get to the famous, beautiful Pearly Gates - rejoice! - do we
need to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,
We humble dogs understand remote verbal instructions, and hand signals. Furthermore, scent IDs. What do feeble humans understand?

Dear God,
Are there really dogs on other planets? I've been howling hopelessly at the moon - hourly - or more , yet all I ever hear is that awful boxer from over the street! Hate it.

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there is, will I have to go apologise?

Dear God,
Is it true dogs aren't allowed in restaurants 'cos they can't decide what NOT to order? Or 'cos we face the carpet thing, again?

Dear God,
May I have my testicles back?

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:

THE ATTITUDE TEST

A young Texan named Roy wanted to be a police officer. Roy was a big muscular guy and good with guns, so he thought he has a shot,

One day, he saw an ad in the paper:

"Do you have what it takes? Are you
desperate for some action? Then the
the Sheriff's Department is looking
for YOU. Boldly go where no man has
gone before!"

Taking it as a sign, Roy applied. After a half hour of physical tests, Deputy Chief Mel Pacino called Roy into his office for one last interview. "You're amazing", said Mel. "But before you can be accepted, you have to take an attitude suitability test. You have to do this first. I won't take just anyone."

The Deputy Chief then gave Roy a Smith & Wesson revolver and said, "Take this and shoot everything on this list: Six immigrants, four Mexican chicks, four Muslims and one terrier."

"Why the terrier?" Roy asked.

"Great attitude. You pass", said the Deputy Chief. "When can you start here?"

=

THE PERSONALITY TEST

Now, folks, you didn't know this, but that wasn't simply some gag about Texas. That was in fact a personality test, assessing personality types based on the first thing that got you distracted. Here is what we have determined:

- If you would've asked the same thing as Roy, you are a DOG LOVER.

- If you cringed or gasped at the punch-line of the joke, you are a TEXAN.

- If you took special notice of the word 'chicks' and didn't appreciate it, you are a FEMINIST.

- If you were revolted by the phrase 'a half hour', you are BRITISH.

- If you first thought, "How can he shoot them if a Smith & Wesson revolver only has six bullets?", you are SCARING ME.

- If you recognized the Star Trek reference in the ad, you are a GEEK.

- If you managed to discover the 'the' in the ad that shouldn't be there, you are PEDANTIC.

- And if you noticed that the Deputy Chief's name is an obvious anagram of 'Policeman', you are an ANAGRAMMIST.

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
A couple went on a weekend Christmas shopping expedition. The old mall was festive and alive with holiday activity. After enjoying the divine melody of a group of kindergarten carollers, the wife immediately turned to see her husband, but he wasn't in view. She was irritated, since they had a lot more to do there.

By then, she became worried and called him on her mobile phone to ask if he had ducked out somewhere.
~
In a hushed voice he answered, "Honey, remember the jeweler's shop we went into at this same shopping center about five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace we couldn't afford at the time, and I said I'll get it for you some day?"

His wife choked up and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop where I tried on the lovely diamond necklace!"

The husband replied, "Well, I'm at the bar next door to it, having a drink."

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
By
Clement Clarke Moore

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

"Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes - how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight:
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

=

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE NEW YEAR
The Ballad of Hannah and Leigh

'Twas the night before New Year, when Hannah and Leigh,
Had sat, as the clock chimed, to watch the TV,
Now, in silence, they gazed at the blank TV screen,
He drank his Bass beer and she sipped Irish Cream.

"Another year over," she sighed, "glad it's done;
"'Twas all rather hellish, it hasn't been fun,
"Truth be told, it was horrid the whole time, of course,
"For you just played golf while I worked like a horse.

"You do nowt to help and sod-all to inspire me,
"I don't get affection, like my sister Ivy,
"Her Welsh husband, Dafydd, treats her like a queen,
"All I get's: 'Where's me best shirt? Hell... is it clean?'"

"Now hold hard a second!" Leigh said to his wife,
"Strewth, Hannah, you haven't had that bad a life!
"I'll list all the kind, helpful things that I do,
"And tell me if one single word isn't true:

"Heck, I know I don't work, and finances are stiff,
"So you graft at McDonalds on thirteen-hour shifts.
"When I get home from golf, you're not back from work,
"And though I'm half-famished, I don't act the jerk

"When you beg to rest for a while before cookin'
"I spare time to comment on how bad you're lookin',
"And I nod: 'Hell, then take that well-earned rest, hon.,
"'And I'll take a nap, wake me up when it's done.'

"You don't wash the dishes right after the supper,
"Though a wife's supposed to be chief washer-upper,
"So I whisper: 'I know you're jaded, but hell,
"'Those dishes aren't just gonna wash up themselves.

"And when you complain to me constantly how
"You can't do all the shopping in one lunch hour,
"I take that on the chin and'll helpfully say:
"'Don't fret so, Hannah - stretch it over two days!'

"And, ok, I know that you get up at dawn,
"Which is why you're so dog-tired when mowin' the lawn,
"So I'll smile, 'Ok, stop for a second or two,
"'And you might as well get me a beer when you do.'

"I know that most agein' women like whinin',
"And I'd noticed how slapdash you'd got with the ironin',
"And I want to confess that I do realise,
"Women's hormones are hell, and I empathise.

"Hell, I've tried to keep cheerful and not criticise,
"And not be so harsh when I mention 'the thighs',
"A woman gets stroppy when she's overweight,"
"But I cope with this well. Hmm - I must be a saint!"

***

Leigh died with a split rectum that New Years Day
Up his back-end a golf club was thrust all the way,
'Twas a Calloway extra-long fifty-inch rammer,
And right next to this was a bloodied sledgehammer.

When Hannah was charged with the death of her mate,
The all-woman jury decided her fate
In three seconds, the verdict: "Not guilty, m'lud,
"The deceased sat, by accident, on his golf club!"

Now Hannah's a widow and she's rich as hell,
The insurance on Leigh's life had paid her damn well!
She has shoppers and chefs; she wears silk pajamas,
And this New Year's Eve she'll be in the Bahamas!

2nd - Adie Pena with:
HIS DAY IS DONE
A Tribute Poem For Nelson Mandela
by Maya Angelou

His day is done.
Is done.
The news came on the wings of a wind, reluctant to carry its burden.
Nelson Mandela’s day is done.
The news, expected and still unwelcome, reached us in the United States, and suddenly our world became somber.
Our skies were leadened.

His day is done.
We see you, South African people standing speechless at the slamming of that final door through which no traveler returns.
Our spirits reach out to you Bantu, Zulu, Xhosa, Boer.
We think of you and your son of Africa, your father, your one more wonder of the world.

We send our souls to you as you reflect upon your David armed with a mere stone, facing down the mighty Goliath.

Your man of strength, Gideon, emerging triumphant.

Although born into the brutal embrace of Apartheid, scarred by the savage atmosphere of racism, unjustly imprisoned in the bloody maws of South African dungeons.

Would the man survive? Could the man survive?

His answer strengthened men and women around the world.

In the Alamo, in San Antonio, Texas, on the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, in Chicago’s Loop, in New Orleans Mardi Gras, in New York City’s Times Square, we watched as the hope of Africa sprang through the prison’s doors.

His stupendous heart intact, his gargantuan will hale and hearty.

He had not been crippled by brutes, nor was his passion for the rights of human beings diminished by twenty-seven years of imprisonment.

Even here in America, we felt the cool, refreshing breeze of freedom.

When Nelson Mandela took the seat of Presidency in his country where formerly he was not even allowed to vote we were enlarged by tears of pride, as we saw Nelson Mandela’s former prison guards invited, courteously, by him to watch from the front rows his inauguration.

We saw him accept the world’s award in Norway with the grace and gratitude of the Solon in Ancient Roman Courts, and the confidence of African Chiefs from ancient royal stools.

No sun outlasts its sunset, but it will rise again and bring the dawn.

Yes, Mandela’s day is done, yet we, his inheritors, will open the gates wider for reconciliation, and we will respond generously to the cries of Blacks and Whites, Asians, Hispanics, the poor who live piteously on the floor of our planet.

He has offered us understanding.
We will not withhold forgiveness even from those who do not ask.
Nelson Mandela’s day is done, we confess it in tearful voices, yet we lift our own to say thank you.

Thank you our Gideon, thank you our David, our great courageous man.

We will not forget you, we will not dishonor you, we will remember and be glad that you lived among us, that you taught us, and that you loved us all.

=

LESSONS AND SONGS

His jury of underworld cronies
Loudly expounds on an unsworn dossier;
Oddly now ignores an unsound exposé.
Heard your cry worldwide:
"Will mourning subside?"

We proudly donned
Your Nelson crown.
Winding crowds wend
Down, down, down.

Sordid wind on wrong plans,
Shoddy minds and puny hands
Drown our unanswered screams,
Handcuff our hopes, manacle our dreams.

Unsung widows ponder;
Shunned sons wonder.
Spurious wrongdoings
Cage our wishes, clip our worn wings.

Furloughs from unsown sorrows
Will now spur our sunny morrows.
Could your soul unchain our longings
Now in windowless surroundings?

TWENTY QUOTES FROM MADIBA

Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.

A good head and a good heart are always a formidable combination.

If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart.

For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.

If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy. Then he becomes your partner.

There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.

It always seems impossible until its done.

After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb.

There is no easy walk to freedom anywhere, and many of us will have to pass through the valley of the shadow of death again and again before we reach the mountaintop of our desires.

In my country we go to prison first and then become President.

We must use time wisely and forever realize that the time is always ripe to do right.

Never, never and never again shall it be that this beautiful land will again experience the oppression of one by another.

If the United States of America or Britain is having elections, they don't ask for observers from Africa or from Asia. But when we have elections, they want observers.

No country can really develop unless its citizens are educated.

Money won't create success, the freedom to make it will.

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.

Does anybody really think that they didn't get what they had because they didn't have the talent or the strength or the endurance or the commitment?

I dream of an Africa which is in peace with itself.

Let freedom reign. The sun never set on so glorious a human achievement.

If there are dreams about a beautiful South Africa, there are also roads that lead to their goal. Two of these roads could be named Goodness and Forgiveness.