Anagrammy Placegetters for May 2014

All the highly-placed anagrams from the May 2014 Anagrammy Awards.

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THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - David Bourke with:
Maya Angelou's 'I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings' =
A wise young black woman - her sad, edgy insight.

2nd - Scott Gardner with:
Constable's rural landscape The Hay Wain =
At a channel, a cart was pulled in by horses.

3rd - Mark Huffman with:
California Chrome wins Preakness Stakes =
Fans see horse kick ass! Triple Crown mania!

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
Conchita Wurst's 'Rise Like a Phoenix' =
I pick transexual to win cos 'her' is 'he'!

2nd - Larry Brash with:
Ukraine separatists =
Its area kept Russian.

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The speech Pope Francis made to the Israelis =
His plea for the peace process in the Mideast.

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
William Shakespeare, the Immortal Bard =
I admire 'Hamlet'... His plot was remarkable!

2nd - nedesto with:
The artist Leonardo da Vinci =
A dated historical inventor.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
I said, "Invade, usurp, reform it... then split!" =
Vladimir Putin, the President of Russia.

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - nedesto with:
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Ludwig Wittgenstein: "Crossing" was individually encoded into those objects "chicken" and "road" until that caused the actualization of the phenomenon.

Hippocrates: It is usually because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Jack Nicholson: Because it f-ing wanted to. That is f-ing why

Mark Twain: The unfortunate news of its untimely crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me thirty minutes with it and I'll find out.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Oliver North: Because our entire National Security was at stake.

B.F. Skinner: The external influences which had virtually pervaded its sensorium from birth had likewise caused it to unknowingly develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while fully believing such actions to be of its own free will.

Albert Einstein: The chicken crossed the road or the road crossed it; that depends upon your frame of reference.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order for it to act in good faith and for it to be true to itself, that chicken found it morally necessary to cross that road. ~

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that chickens cross roads at this juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought each such occurrence into being.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Buddha: To ask the forbidden question is to deny one's own essential chicken-nature.

Timothy Leary: Just because it's the only kind of damned trip the Establishment would let it take.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Salvador Dali: Fish.

Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.

Darwin: It was the first logical next step after leaping headlong down from the trees.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus: For fun.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not certain which side of the road it was on, though coincidentally it was moving downright fast.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of defiance, hence we were justified in dropping fifty tons of nerve gas on it.

Henry David Thoreau: For it chose to live deliberately ... and suck the marrow out of life.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Ronald Reagan: I forgot.

The Sphinx: Can you tell me?

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A husband and wife were woken at three o'clock in the morning by a loud banging on their door.

The man got up and opened the door to where a drunken stranger was standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push.

"At this time of the morning? Not a chance, mate," said the husband.

He slammed the door and returned to bed.

"Who was that, Brian?" asked his wife.

"Just a drunk asking for a push," Brian replied.

"And did you help him?" she said.

"No, Betty, it is three in the morning and it's bleedin' well pouring with rain!"

"You have a very short memory, Brian," said Betty. "Can't you remember about eight months ago when we broke down, and that man helped us get the car started again?

Well I really think you should help him, Brian, and you should be ashamed! God loves drunk people as well you know."

The husband did as he was told, vacated the bed, and went out into the pouring rain.

He called into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," came back the answer.

"Do you still need that push?" he called.

"Yes, please!" came the reply from the dark.

"Where are you, then?" said Brian.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

=

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless dress, walked into a Dublin public house. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit then, pointing to the various people sitting at the bar, she asked, "Which man here will buy this good lady a drink?"

The pub went silent as the customers tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and shouted out, "Get the ballerina a drink on me!"

The bartender poured out the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and once more pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hirsute armpit, and she asked, "Which man here will buy this good lady a drink?"

Once more, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and shouted, "Hey, give the ballerina another drink on me!"

The bartender approached the drunk and said, "No offence, Paddy O'Shea, I know it's your business if you want to buy the woman a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Why? Bejaysus, it's easy - any woman who can lift her leg dat hoigh has got to be a ballerina!"

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE WALRUS AND THE CARPENTER
A Poem by Lewis Carroll

"The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright —
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.

The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done —
"It's very rude of him," she said,
"To come and spoil the fun."

The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead —
There were no birds to fly.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:
'If this were only cleared away,'
They said, 'it would be grand!'

'If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year,
Do you suppose,' the Walrus said,
'That they could get it clear?'
'I doubt it,' said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.

'O Oysters, come and walk with us!'
The Walrus did beseech.
'A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each.'

The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head —
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.

But four young Oysters hurried up,
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat —
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn't any feet.

Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more —
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.

'The time has come,' the Walrus said,
'To talk of many things:
Of shoes — and ships — and sealing-wax —
Of cabbages — and kings —
And why the sea is boiling hot —
And whether pigs have wings.'

'But wait a bit,' the Oysters cried,
'Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!'
'No hurry!' said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.

'A loaf of bread,' the Walrus said,
'Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed —
Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed.'

'But not on us!' the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
'After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!'
'The night is fine,' the Walrus said.
'Do you admire the view?'

'It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!'
The Carpenter said nothing but
'Cut us another slice:
I wish you were not quite so deaf —
I've had to ask you twice!'

'It seems a shame,' the Walrus said,
'To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!'
The Carpenter said nothing but
'The butter's spread too thick!'

'I weep for you,' the Walrus said:
'I deeply sympathize.'
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.

'O Oysters,' said the Carpenter,
'You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?'
But answer came there none —
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.

=

THE WALRUS AND THE BEATLES

While skiffling with his 'Quarrymen'
Boy Lennon said to Paul
"Hey, dude, why don't you sing with us?
We're sure to have a ball."
So Paul said 'Yes' and George was next
And Ringo last of all.

A group was formed, the scene was set
They went in search of fame
But soon the boys all realised
They'd have to change their name
So, inspired by Buddy's 'Crickets',
'The Beatles' they became

They learnt their trade in Hamburg's dives
And back in Liverpool
Where they played at The Cavern club
(The kids thought they were cool!)
Said Epstein, "Can I manage you?
"Together we shall rule!"

The rest, of course, is history
Their status quickly soared
They cut a record, 'Love Me Do'
And it reached No. Four
The fans adored these cheeky lads
And they demanded more!

And that's precisely what they got
As 'Please Please Me' hit Two
Then they had their first No. One
A song 'From Me To You'
And then a bigger No. One
The catchy 'She Loves You'.

Those Lennon and McCartney songs
Were truly so unique,
And the added three-part harmonies
Would make your knees go weak!
And when George started to write hits
The fab four hit fresh peaks.

The disc 'I Want To Hold Your Hand'
Would seal their fate the day
That it rushed in to top the charts
In the US of A!
So, sudden worldwide fame arrived
And it arrived to stay!

The Beatles soared from hit to hit
Their music scaled new heights
Of sheer, creative genius
The future was so bright.
When 'Sgt Pepper' was conceived
It reaffirmed their might.

But, ah, another person had
Intruded on the scene
Her name was Yoko Ono she
Was like a figurine
Sad Lennon he was dazzled but
The others weren't so keen...

These were the 'fab four's' golden days
When they were at their peak
But had that vast creative vat
Begun to spring a leak?
And over time, did Yoko break
The Beatles, so to speak?

And was this the defining time,
When history looks back,
The Beatles' base began to shift
It's walls began to crack?
Did they choose wrong directions?
Had they subtly changed tack?

"The time has come, fans," Lennon said
"For an unusual song
I wrote it on an acid trip
The lyrics sound all wrong
'I Am The Walrus' it is called
I hope you sing along!"

I do aver, we loved those words
Ah, I did anyway!
Ooh, the idiosyncrasy!
But, buddies, may I say?
I'd sensed a threat of an adieu,
Some sad and sorry day

In those last topsy turvy years
The boys' success plateaued
Their work it's said, was not their best
(Aside from 'Abbey Road')
The four discussed it and agreed
To end the episode.

Behind them lay achievements that
No one would ever beat
The twists of fate that teamed them up
History can't repeat
We will not see their likes again
Nor duplicate their feats

So, Macca carried on with 'Wings'
And then went off solo
While Lennon scored hits of his own
Or dabbled with Yoko
Harrison wrote new, classic tunes
That always ebbed and flowed.

But now, within our souls we hoped
That, at a future date,
The 'fab four' boys would reunite
So we could hear them play
We had such hopes, but, ah, as usu-
-al, life got in the way...

Or rather, 'death' got in the way
Mark Chapman saw to that.
Then cancer saw off Harrison
And so our dreams were dashed
But their sweet music stayed alive,
And rose out of the ash.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with: (In honor of Mother's Day this May, Yeats' poem is anagrammed into a another poem that contains 2 relevant acrostics in both its first and last letters:)

'Song of the Old Mother' by Yeats

I rise in the dawn, and I kneel and blow
Till the seed of the fire flicker and glow;
And then I must scrub and bake and sweep
Till stars are beginning to blink and peep;
And the young lie long and dream in their bed
Of the matching of ribbons for bosom and head,
And their day goes over in idleness,
And they sigh if the wind but lift a tress:
While I must work because I am old,
And the seed of the fire gets feeble and cold.

=

The Mother's Gift

Men knew that nothing beats the gilded gleam
Of brooks that babble and fine daisies, too:
No gift's   believed to be more   brilliant
Than cunning Mother Nature's, when she's through.
How   perfect   a description   it   would   be
Of all   the magic   in   your   able   finger!
For years, all kindness and these fonder deeds
Made life a splendid bliss and kindly lingered:
As ebb and flow and wind   define the sea,
Your    hidden   dedication    was    the    key.

MeY

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
BAFFLING QUESTIONS THAT HAVE NO REAL ANSWER

If he lives in the jungle and doesn't have a razor, how come Tarzan doesn't have a beard?

Why do we press harder on the remote control even if we know the batteries are flat?

Why do the banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' if they're aware that there are insufficient funds to cover it?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear crash helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there's in excess of four billion stars in the sky, but check when you say that the paint is wet?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

Hmm...

And did you ever stop to wonder...?

If the temperature is zero today and it is going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be tomorrow?

Do married people really live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we'd put a man on the moon before we figured out that it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'Hmm... I think I'll squeeze
those pink dangly things and drink whatever might come out of them.'?

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its arse.'
~
Why do toasters have a setting so extreme it burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would ever want to eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking you for the time, but do not point to their bum when asking you where the bathroom is?

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed when he knows he's gonna look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand up erect while Pluto's always low on all fours? They are both dogs!

What joker's idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil's made from corn and vegetable oil from vegetables, then what's baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet Song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Now stop singing and read on......

Do illiterate people get the full benefits of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets angry, yet when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

And, the last one...

How do you make five pounds of fat look sexy?
Aha, I think I can answer that one! Give it a nipple.

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Anagrammy Placegetters for May 2014

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

THE LONG CATEGORY

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

THE RUDE CATEGORY