Anagrammy Placegetters for April 2017

All the highly-placed anagrams from the April 2017 Anagrammy Awards.

[ Previous month ] [ Back to index ] [ Next month ]

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st - Tom Myers with:
Crisis management =
It means screaming.

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Ellie Dent with:
'Self Portrait With A Beret' by Claude Oscar Monet =
Celebrity artist puts on comfortable headwear.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Sir Mick Jagger, the lead singer of The Rolling Stones =
In old age, major English rocker gets the finest girls.

3rd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood =
A grim ado that has women badly treated.

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Rick Rothstein with:
The talented comedian Don Rickles =
His entire act, end-to-end, mocked all.

2nd - Adie Pena with:
Renaissance master Michelangelo Buonarroti =
Man creates art here in colors so unimaginable

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
1. Leonardo da Vinci
2. Michelangelo Buonarroti
=
1. Honor 'La Gioconda'
2. Divine mural celebration

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Adie Pena with:
International Committee of the Red Cross =
Treatment comes for the soldier in action.

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
President of the United States of America =
Note Trump seated in the office - a disaster!

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The Democratic People's Republic of Korea =
Mop-top ruler? He is a cited blocker of peace.

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Ellie Dent with:

A student sees his pal Alan on a new bike.

'Where d'you get that?'

'I was off to a shop, when this photogenic,
delightful, curvy chick
~
pulls up, gets off a new, a high-end bike,
strips, then says: 'Hi! Take what you want.'

'Nice. A good choice. Her clothes
wouldn't have fit.'

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Currently, The World's most dangerous Men:
1. Donald Trump
2. Vladimir Putin
3. Kim Jong-un
4. Bashad al-Assad
=
1. Addled US vandal
2. Strong Russian's a worthy combatant
3. Plump, N. Korean ruler
4. Mild? Don't misjudge him!

3rd - David Bourke with:
- "Papa, why did you call my sister Teresa?"
- "It was because your mother loved Easter. Teresa is an anagram of Easter" ~
- "Ah, bless! Of course! That was a great idea!"
- "Er, yes...it appears it is...and you are very welcome, my most treasured Alan!"

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Rosie Perera with:
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo." (Al Gore)
=
Perhaps I fly to Tokyo or Korea as a swan, arrive looking ugly as Trump in a toupee. LOL!

2nd - Christopher Davis with:
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo." (Al Gore)
=
Look, you folks who may use regional airport layovers take unappealing portraits

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo." (Al Gore)
=
Lousy looking, like on hospital arrival paperwork, as men pry you out of a great seat!

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
MORALS OF LIFE:

A sales rep, an admin clerk, and their manager were walking to lunch when they found an old oil lamp lying by the roadside.

They rubbed it and a genie came out. The genie said, I will give each of you just one wish.

Me first! Me first!" cried the admin clerk. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.

Poof! He was gone.

Me next! said the sales rep. I want to be in Hawaii, lying on a beach with my gorgeous personal masseuse and an endless supply of Pina Coladas.

Poof! He was gone.

It's your turn now, the genie said to the manager.

The manager said, I want those two back in the office after lunch.

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

***

A turkey was chatting to a bull.

I would love to get to the top of that tree, it sighed, but I havent got the energy.

Why dont you nibble on my droppings? suggested the bull. Theyre rich in good nutrients.

The bird sampled a lump of dung, and found it gave him enough zing to reach the 1st branch of the tree.

The following day, he devoured some more dung and reached the 2nd branch.

On the 3rd night, the turkey was proudly posing on top of the tree.

Next day, he was spotted by a farmer, who shot him dead.

Moral of the story:
Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.

***

~

An eagle was perching on top of a tree doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, Can I also sit here like you doing nothing?

After some thought, the eagle replied sagely: I don't see why not.

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and basked in the sun. All of a sudden... disaster! A fox appeared from nowhere, pounced on the rabbit and promptly ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you have to be sitting very, very high up.

***

A little bird was flying south for the winter, but he was so cold that he froze and fell to the ground in a field.

While he was lying there weak, drained and exhausted, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the little creature lay there in the awful pile of cow muck, he began to realise that he was becoming warm. The steaming dung was actually starting to thaw him out!

Feeling warm and happy, he began to sing for joy.

But a passing cat heard the bird and came to investigate. By following the muffled chirps, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of warm cow muck, then promptly dug him out and ate him.

The Morals of this story:
1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of the sh*t is your friend.
3) When you are in deep sh*t, its best to keep your mouth shut!

***

2nd - David Bourke with:
Brad Pitt, Jennifer Lopez and Geoff Capes were all
having lunch together one day, when Capes, stroking
his beard, said: "I have always thought that I am the
strongest man in the history of the world, but how can
I be sure?".

Then Brad Pitt added: "I am pretty sure I AM the
hottest man alive, but I have never had it confirmed".

Jennifer Lopez agreed. "You know, I'm always told I'm
like the sexiest woman in the whole world, but sometimes
I'm like, I do wonder, you know?".

They all decided that the best way to find out if their
beliefs were true was to look in the Wicked Queen's
mirror to confirm for them if Capes was the strongest
man, Pitt was the hottest man, and Lopez was the
sexiest woman.

~

They agreed to rendezvous for breakfast the following
day to discuss the findings. Capes walked up with a
triumphant smile, boasting: "Wow, it's true! The mirror
just told me: "You ARE the strongest man in the world!".

Then Jennifer Lopez, overwhelmed, proclaimed:
"Woohoo! The matter is settled! It has been confirmed
that I am indeed the perfect woman! I am the utmost
epitome of orgasmic womanhood...breathtaking perfection!
Quite easily the hottest, sexiest lady now alive!".

However, with that, a bewildered Pitt walked in, with an
expression of blazing thunder, and with tears in his eyes,
he asked: "WHAT!! Unbelievable, man! Who the fuck is
this damn Tony Crafter bloke anyway?"

3rd - Ellie Dent with:

DOG RULES FOR HUMANS

Don't come home here smelling of other canines.

You must feed me every goodie that you eat.

Don't call me, or lead me into a horrible bath.

And let me outside in fresh open air, even if I just came
in; there was an area I forgot to sniff.

I can sleep anywhere I like, even if that means you might
trip over me.

~

Don't shush me from barking if you are on the phone, I heard
real rustling in the trees... a cat?

Don't dare move me from the centre of the bed when I am
asleep, as I myself sacrifice the edge just for you.

Don't imagine you can ever leave a room without me.

If sometime it lands on the floor, it is MINE.

You'll never pee alone again.

2nd - David Bourke with:
Dear President Tusk,

On 23 June last year, the people of the United Kingdom voted to leave the European Union. As I have said before, that decision was no rejection of the values we share as fellow Europeans. Nor was it an attempt to do harm to the European Union or any of the remaining member states. On the contrary, the United Kingdom wants the European Union to succeed and prosper. Instead, the referendum was a vote to restore, as we see it, our national self-determination. We are leaving the European Union, but we are not leaving Europe and we want to remain committed partners and allies to our friends across the continent.

Earlier this month, the United Kingdom Parliament confirmed the result of the referendum by voting with clear and convincing majorities in both of its Houses for the European Union (Notification of Withdrawal) Bill. The Bill was passed by Parliament on 13 March and it received Royal Assent from Her Majesty The Queen and became an Act of Parliament on 16 March.

Today, therefore, I am writing to give effect to the democratic decision of the people of the United Kingdom. I hereby notify the European Council in accordance with Article 50(2) of the Treaty on European Union of the United Kingdom's intention to withdraw from the European Union. In addition, in accordance with the same Article 50(2) as applied by Article 106a of the Treaty Establishing the European Atomic Energy Community, I hereby notify the European Council of the United Kingdom's intention to withdraw from the European Atomic Energy Community. References in this letter to the European Union should therefore be taken to include a reference to the European Atomic Energy Community.

This letter sets out the approach of Her Majesty's Government to the discussions we will have about the United Kingdom's departure from the European Union and about the deep and special partnership we hope to enjoy as your closest friend and neighbour with the European Union once we leave. We believe that these objectives are in the interests not only of the United Kingdom but of the European Union and the wider world too.

It is in the best interests of both the United Kingdom and the European Union that we should use the forthcoming process to deliver these objectives in a fair and orderly manner, and with as little disruption as possible on each side. We want to make sure that Europe remains strong and prosperous and is capable of projecting its values, leading in the world, and defending itself from security threats. We want the United Kingdom, through a new deep and special partnership with a strong European Union, to play its full part in achieving these goals. We therefore believe it is necessary to agree the terms of our future partnership alongside those of our withdrawal from the European Union.

The Government wants to approach our discussions with ambition, giving citizens and businesses in the United Kingdom and the European Union and indeed from third countries around the world as much certainty as possible, as early as possible.

I would like to propose some principles that may help to shape our coming discussions, but before I do so, I should update you on the process we will be undertaking at home, in the United Kingdom.

The process in the United Kingdom

As I have announced already, the Government will bring forward legislation that will repeal the Act of Parliament the European Communities Act 1972 that gives effect to EU law in our country. This legislation will, wherever practical and appropriate, in effect convert the body of existing European Union law (the 'acquis') into UK law. This means there will be certainty for UK citizens and for anybody from the European Union who does business in the United Kingdom. The Government will consult on how we design and implement this legislation, and we will publish a White Paper tomorrow. We also intend to bring forward several other pieces of legislation that address specific issues relating to our departure from the European Union, also with a view to ensuring continuity and certainty, in particular for businesses. We will of course continue to fulfil our responsibilities as a member state while we remain a member of the European Union, and the legislation we propose will not come into effect until we leave.

From the start and throughout the discussions, we will negotiate as one United Kingdom, taking due account of the specific interests of every nation and region of the UK as we do so. When it comes to the return of powers back to the United Kingdom, we will consult fully on which powers should reside in Westminster and which should be devolved to Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland. But it is the expectation of the Government that the outcome of this process will be a significant increase in the decision-making power of each devolved administration.
Negotiations between the United Kingdom and the European Union

The United Kingdom wants to agree with the European Union a deep and special partnership that takes in both economic and security cooperation. To achieve this, we believe it is necessary to agree the terms of our future partnership alongside those of our withdrawal from the EU.

If, however, we leave the European Union without an agreement the default position is that we would have to trade on World Trade Organisation terms. In security terms a failure to reach agreement would mean our cooperation in the fight against crime and terrorism would be weakened. In this kind of scenario, both the United Kingdom and the European Union would of course cope with the change, but it is not the outcome that either side should seek. We must therefore work hard to avoid that outcome.
It is for these reasons that we want to be able to agree a deep and special partnership, taking in both economic and security cooperation, but it is also because we want to play our part in making sure that Europe remains strong and prosperous and able to lead in the world, projecting its values and defending itself from security threats. And we want the United Kingdom to play its full part in realising that vision for our continent.

Proposed principles for our discussions

Looking ahead to the discussions which we will soon begin, I would like to suggest some principles that we might agree to help make sure that the process is as smooth and successful as possible.

i. We should engage with one another constructively and respectfully, in a spirit of sincere cooperation. Since I became Prime Minister of the United Kingdom I have listened carefully to you, to my fellow EU Heads of Government and the Presidents of the European Commission and Parliament. That is why the United Kingdom does not seek membership of the single market: we understand and respect your position that the four freedoms of the single market are indivisible and there can be no 'cherry picking'. We also understand that there will be consequences for the UK of leaving the EU: we know that we will lose influence over the rules that affect the European economy. We also know that UK companies will, as they trade within the EU, have to align with rules agreed by institutions of which we are no longer a part just as UK companies do in other overseas markets.

ii. We should always put our citizens first. There is obvious complexity in the discussions we are about to undertake, but we should remember that at the heart of our talks are the interests of all our citizens. There are, for example, many citizens of the remaining member states living in the United Kingdom, and UK citizens living elsewhere in the European Union, and we should aim to strike an early agreement about their rights.

iii. We should work towards securing a comprehensive agreement. We want to agree a deep and special partnership between the UK and the EU, taking in both economic and security cooperation. We will need to discuss how we determine a fair settlement of the UK's rights and obligations as a departing member state, in accordance with the law and in the spirit of the United Kingdom's continuing partnership with the EU. But we believe it is necessary to agree the terms of our future partnership alongside those of our withdrawal from the EU.

iv. We should work together to minimise disruption and give as much certainty as possible. Investors, businesses and citizens in both the UK and across the remaining 27 member states and those from third countries around the world want to be able to plan. In order to avoid any cliff-edge as we move from our current relationship to our future partnership, people and businesses in both the UK and the EU would benefit from implementation periods to adjust in a smooth and orderly way to new arrangements. It would help both sides to minimise unnecessary disruption if we agree this principle early in the process.

v. In particular, we must pay attention to the UK's unique relationship with the Republic of Ireland and the importance of the peace process in Northern Ireland. The Republic of Ireland is the only EU member state with a land border with the United Kingdom. We want to avoid a return to a hard border between our two countries, to be able to maintain the Common Travel Area between us, and to make sure that the UK's withdrawal from the EU does not harm the Republic of Ireland. We also have an important responsibility to make sure that nothing is done to jeopardise the peace process in Northern Ireland, and to continue to uphold the Belfast Agreement.

vi. We should begin technical talks on detailed policy areas as soon as possible, but we should prioritise the biggest challenges. Agreeing a high-level approach to the issues arising from our withdrawal will of course be an early priority. But we also propose a bold and ambitious Free Trade Agreement between the United Kingdom and the European Union. This should be of greater scope and ambition than any such agreement before it so that it covers sectors crucial to our linked economies such as financial services and network industries. This will require detailed technical talks, but as the UK is an existing EU member state, both sides have regulatory frameworks and standards that already match. We should therefore prioritise how we manage the evolution of our regulatory frameworks to maintain a fair and open trading environment, and how we resolve disputes. On the scope of the partnership between us on both economic and security matters my officials will put forward detailed proposals for deep, broad and dynamic cooperation.

vii. We should continue to work together to advance and protect our shared European values. Perhaps now more than ever, the world needs the liberal, democratic values of Europe. We want to play our part to ensure that Europe remains strong and prosperous and able to lead in the world, projecting its values and defending itself from security threats.

The task before us

As I have said, the Government of the United Kingdom wants to agree a deep and special partnership between the UK and the EU, taking in both economic and security cooperation. At a time when the growth of global trade is slowing and there are signs that protectionist instincts are on the rise in many parts of the world, Europe has a responsibility to stand up for free trade in the interest of all our citizens. Likewise, Europe's security is more fragile today than at any time since the end of the Cold War. Weakening our cooperation for the prosperity and protection of our citizens would be a costly mistake. The United Kingdom's objectives for our future partnership remain those set out in my Lancaster House speech of 17 January and the subsequent White Paper published on 2 February.

We recognise that it will be a challenge to reach such a comprehensive agreement within the two-year period set out for withdrawal discussions in the Treaty. But we believe it is necessary to agree the terms of our future partnership alongside those of our withdrawal from the EU. We start from a unique position in these discussions close regulatory alignment, trust in one another's institutions, and a spirit of cooperation stretching back decades. It is for these reasons, and because the future partnership between the UK and the EU is of such importance to both sides, that I am sure it can be agreed in the time period set out by the Treaty.

The task before us is momentous but it should not be beyond us. After all, the institutions and the leaders of the European Union have succeeded in bringing together a continent blighted by war into a union of peaceful nations, and supported the transition of dictatorships to democracy. Together, I know we are capable of reaching an agreement about the UK's rights and obligations as a departing member state, while establishing a deep and special partnership that contributes towards the prosperity, security and global power of our continent.

Yours sincerely,

Theresa May.

=

Dear Theresa May, (plus the rest of the United Kingdom),

We thank you for the interesting, but somewhat disappointing and regrettable "Dear John" letter, the salient points of which we note with a deep irritation, and which we will keep, to use it against the United Kingdom at some point of optimal strategic benefit to we 27 paid-up member States who remain in unity within Europe. So now we suppose we have to trouble ourselves with the undoing of almost 50 years' worth of copious bureaucratic and legislative paperwork, treaties and decrees, by the ambitious initial 2-year deadline. Thanks so much for that idea...we appreciate it. Now, to be honest, we were rather relieved too. Good riddance. We, without a doubt, DO NOT WANT, and we DO NOT NEED the United Kingdom. The three-hundred-and-fifty-million smackeroonies each and every week that we saw mentioned on the side of some bus in the Brexit campaign is rather useful as housekeeping, we might admit (how *is* the National Health Service doing now?) - but keep it. Ve haf vays to ensure that we continue to bleed the United Kingdom dry. So, it is implicit that there will be widespread implications, we are sure you understand...what we consider the appropriate and proportionate repercussions, with unprecedented initial punishments, as we choose. Though to be honest, the slinging of your hook, it can't come quickly enough. (Well, once you have coughed-up the 50 billion pounds E.U. withdrawal settlement, that is). Please stop droning on about it...you forget unavoidable liabilities for tens of thousands of Eurocrats and dignitaries' pension remunerations (it is, of course, to include United Kingdom ones). Also forgotten is the United Kingdom environmental obligations. That we have not even had our accounts properly audited in about two decades should then not need to be the remotest business of, or concern to, the United Kingdom one iota.

We suppose we might even negotiate a discount on that fifty-billion quid to - oh, I don't know...perhaps forty-five or so? - if...and only if...these seven preconditions are met, without fail:

a) Please endeavour to be nice to His Serene Highness Tony Blair (perhaps a peerage is in order?) in preparation for His Second Coming, where he is resurrected at No. 10 as the European Union President. (Once cirrhosis has at last done for Herr Juncker).

b) Canonise the inspirational Sir Edward Heath. (We want this honour backdated to 1.1.73) .

c) Imprison Nigel Farage, Katie Hopkins, the entire Top Gear, Geordie Shore, and TOWIE teams, U2, and Simon Cowell in the dungeon of the Tower of London for an initial period of at least a decade or so . (Together).

d) Drive on the proper side of the road. (Implement with immediate effect).

e) Designate Birmingham as an autonomous Shariah state, and as soon as it is feasible, deport any infidels contained within it to a United Nations refugee camp in Windsor Great Park.

f) Cease and desist sounding bells in places of worship. (Implement with immediate effect).

g) Commemorate me, Donald Tusk, on the forthcoming new plastic ten-pound note. (Please put Auntie Angela Merkel's delectable dial on the twenty, too...as and when you get around to it).

How much more of your oh-so-tiresome preoccupation with "insidious" and "inimical" regulations concerning bananas and cucumbers "free of abnormal curvature" can we be expected to tolerate? The hundreds and hundreds of hours of rigorous initial testing of these aforementioned items, in darkened rooms, that we undertook...you don't remotely appreciate it. Not to mention that we also have to tolerate nationalistic, self-righteous Little Englanders whingeing about "No surrender to Europe!" and our historic institutions' "impenetrable interference", "deep-seated corruption", "incompetence" and "despotic dictatorship"? The repeated harping on about "hot air" directives from Brussels? The perpetual carping about the Spanish "nicking" all the fish? The repeated discriminatory references to where "unscrupulous" Polish plumbers undercut "honest" British ones? (It seems that there is no pleasing some people, eh!). As for the aforementioned insignificant little oik Nigel Farage, on an ego trip, referring to the distinguished statesman Herman Van Rompuy as having "the charisma of a damp rag and the appearance of a low-grade bank clerk", we feel that that one, it was unforgivable. What insensitive impudence it is! And ok, ok...the esteemed Angela Merkel is indeed not, by any stretch of the imagination, an oil painting. You need not keep reminding us of this. We know!

Now then, your twee little country...why not crack on with making it "great" again? Enjoy the cream teas, the peculiar "morris dancing", that stereotype "stiff upper lip", the "jolly hockey sticks", those "good old dark blue *proper* passports", "Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway", (and, we reiterate, Ant and Dec on every other TV show too!), the roast beef dinners, the energy-inefficient vacuum cleaners (albeit with even better suck than Gillian Taylforth), all those repeated wearisome Fawlty Towers and Dad's Army-referenced Seventies "jokes" about "not mentioning the war", "them not liking it up 'em!", and "ze chermans" putting their towels onto the sun-loungers, the sentimental, misty-eyed reminiscences about those "good old days" of the "Forces' Sweetheart" Vera Lynn saving St. Paul's Cathedral from the Luftwaffe and V-2s single-handed, Spitfires, all that "bluebirds over the White Cliffs of Dover" spurious nonsense, the handbag-swinging spirit of Margaret Thatcher. The Beatles, the mini-skirt, Bobby Moore and 1966, Just prattle on about it, why don't you? If it makes you feel better about yourselves, that is. I mean, it was about FIFTY years ago or something! Like, hellooooo?!!!

As for the United Kingdom's preposterous misconceptions about it continuing to have unrestricted access to the European market territories, while it "controls its borders", the repatriation of ethnic minorities, and it "gets its country back" (whatever that is supposed to mean), ignoring the Schengen Area Agreement, and the fundamental and non-negotiable, guaranteed principles of the unrestricted movement of European citizens, and then droning on about how much better an Australian points system would be...don't waste your breath, and please do not lecture us about nationalistic trade protectionism, or worldwide tariff-free preferential access to your "British" cars, as there is almost no such thing. Let us put this in perspective: the beleaguered British automotive industry, it is pretty much entirely owned by overseas companies. Even Rolls-Royce is now German (as is the Queen, and her husband is Greek!), and Jaguar, it is now Indian. Jesus wept...INDIAN!!! What would dear old Prince Philip have to say about it, and their workmanship? (Please don't answer that!). A car that *is* actually British has been made, at the weekend, out of surplus Meccano in some garden shed, we think you might find. So, if the British wish to import a shining, prestigious new Ferrari, Mercedes, BMW, Audi, Peugeot, Renault, Volkswagen, Volvo, Citroen, or even a Fiat, Seat or Skoda, or similar, rather than use inferior-specification British imitation ones...or indeed any other of our European-engineered proprietary products...then diversity and multi-culturalism, just suck it up, buttercup! Aww, there there! So, what part of the word "out" do you not understand? To explain this concept in simple terms where even a "rosbif" of somewhat-questionable ethics might conceivably be able to comprehend, one would not move out of the marital home, yet expect to sleep with the wife, would one? We shall therefore continue the Coudenhove-Kalergi project. Furthermore, we wield the power here...we foresee we may use the situation as an opportunity where we would obtain further concessions out of the U.K...such as at last getting Gibraltar returned to Spain's jurisdiction. (We won't, of course, concern ourselves with returning Ceuta or Melilla to Morocco, we shall keep to the easier targets). The annual 1-week recreational piss-up in Benidorm? Better cancel it. Be aware...we *could* have a word of encouragement with Argentina, re the Malvinas, though. Because we're like that...the thin end of the wedge! And oh, for what it is worth, we would be delighted to have an "independent" Scotland back within the E.U., with Wee Jimmy Krankie installed as its Queen. *Someone* has, of course, to subsidise our dutiful, European Union-diktat-abiding Caledonian friends. Provided that we reconstruct Hadrian's Wall at a height enough to keep you nonconformist bunch of ingrates out. So please don't come running to the new European Militia for help whenever you are invaded. We presume that in such instances, your Commonwealth chums like Australia, New Zealand or Canada would come to the rescue of poor defenceless Britain at a moment's notice, indeed in a mere heartbeat...and as for the unforeseen Irish border headache that the U.K. has now inadvertently created, perhaps it would be much easier and cheaper if we just made England and Wales into provinces of Eire, with immediate effect? Also, the United Kingdom's bizarre potential withdrawing from the European Convention on Human Rights would deprive the lovely Cherie Booth of the continuance of her main source of independent income, and thus impose on her the need to rely on her husband's income. This, we feel, would be cruel and heartless, when she and Tony are down to their last 2 or 3 mansions.

We would furthermore warn that the U.K.'s perfidious threat to withhold state secrets and to refuse to share counter-terrorism information with the European Union is unprecedented spiteful and juvenile behaviour, not to mention it is alienating, it is unjustifiable, and it is dangerous. If you must insist on this divisive, twisted small-mindedness, then please remember that we are more than capable of being an appropriate match for you in this respect. In future, we will, in retaliation, refuse to share our secret recipes for making the most delicious and nutritious mouth-watering cookery: pizza, panini, bratwurst, sauerkraut, paella, moules-frites, Provencal prawns, cheeses, cuisses de grenouille, goulash, Wiener schnitzel, moussaka, etc...and here is another serious threat: Cooperate, or henceforth we will decree that the 27 European Union member nations only speak to British tourists (if we choose to admit British tourists at all, that is) in our own vernacular, even though we can, as a rule, speak acceptable English. This native pronunciation will, no doubt, result in much confusion and inconvenience, not to mention deep frustration, for the foreseeable future for the British when in continental retail emporia, hostelries, restaurants and cafeterias, but that is of course the entire point. We also insist, in retrospect, that you do not utilise proper nouns that reference European Union member countries and cities in your patronising miscellaneous English phrases, ie in 'French letter', 'French windows', 'going Dutch', 'Dutch courage', 'Italian stallion', 'Irish stew', 'German measles', 'Portuguese man o' war', 'Spanish fly', 'Brussels sprouts', etcetera. (In addition, should Scotland either be re-admitted to the European Union, or not defect with the present United Kingdom in the first instance, 'Glasgow kiss').

Furthermore, we will implement the statutory obligation for you to refer to the turnip-like root vegetable you now refer to as a "swede" by its proper terminology of a rutabaga, (the Scottish term for it, "neep", will of course continue to be acceptable...we love their whisky!) The Fifties popular musical term "Doo-Wop" we have now prohibited. As for the sweet confection known as 'Maltesers', we require that it will have to be rebranded as 'Honeycombed Skimmed Milk, Sugar, Cocoa Solids, Lactose, Lecithin, Whey Powder, Salt and Palm Fat Spheroids' when it is retailed within the United Kingdom or in its various territories.

In conclusion, it is in the spirit of encouragement of enterprise, mutual co-operation, friendship, bonhomie and some degree of optimistic rapprochement between us as we begin the dialogue of the restructuring and the re-evaluation of our relationship into a somewhat-distant, civil partnership thereafter, that we wish the United Kingdom a most prosperous and successful future, and we propose a toast to us both. But nevertheless, please be under no illusion that we won't do whatever we regard appropriate or needed, short of bricking-up or deep-flooding of the Channel Tunnel, to ensure WE have one too!

Please remember to say a "howdy" from the European Union to your apparent new bestest friend, the Yankee president, Donald Trump, and we sincerely hope that you rather enjoy being shafted by the orange-tanned prize idiot. The preposterously-toupeed stupid cockwomble won't keep grabbing OUR bits, we can quite assure you!

With our love,

The European Union - Austria, Belgium, Bulgaria, Croatia, Cyprus, The Czech Republic, Denmark, Estonia, Finland, France, Germany, Greece, Hungary, Ireland, Italy, Latvia, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Malta, The Netherlands, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Slovakia, Slovenia, Spain, Sweden.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Letter from a Grandmother to her Granddaughter

My Dear Granddaughter,

Yesterday I went to our local Christian bookstore and I saw a 'Honk If You Love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly upbeat because I'd just come from a memorable choir performance, followed by a truly emotional prayer meeting. So, I bought a sticker and I put it on my bumper.

Oh my Lordy, am I pleased that I did! What an uplifting experience followed next!

I was waiting at a red light at this busy intersection, momentarily lost in thought about the Lord and how fine He is, and I didn't notice that the lights had changed.

It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if that man hadn't honked, I would never have noticed. Fortunately, I found out that a lot of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the man behind started honking like crazy, and then leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God, woman, go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an unusually exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking, so I leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people!

In fact, I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from California in amongst them because I heard him yell something about a sunny beach. I saw one young man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my grandson (your cousin Norman) in the back seat what it meant. Norman said it was probably some Hawaiian 'good luck' sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and I gave him the sign right back!

Norman burst out laughing. Yes, even he was enraptured by this emotional, religious experience!

In fact, a couple of the people were so totally immersed in the glory of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask me what church I went to, but that's when I saw the lights had changed. So I waved to all my new brothers and sisters and, grinning, I drove on across the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car to get through the intersection before the lights changed again and I felt really sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I took that opportunity to slow the car down, lean out the window and give them the Hawaiian good luck sign one final time as I drove off.

Praise the Lord for such bounteously wonderful people!

I will write again soon,

Love from,
Your Grandmommy.

=
A Letter from a Daughter to her Parents

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been lax in writing so late and I am sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before.

I'll bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please just sit down. YOU ARE ADVISED NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS SITTING DOWN, OK?

Well, I'm jogging along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire are almost healed now. I only get the sick headaches once a day.

Thank God, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were seen by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and it was he who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and, as I had nowhere to live because of the burned out dorm, he was good enough to let me share his apartment with him. Well, it's really a basement room, but it's kinda cute. He's ever so nice and we have fallen madly in love and are planning to get wed. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I guess it'll be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes Mum and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you'll welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for delaying our marriage is that my fiance has got this infection which has prevented us from passing our pre-marital blood tests, and I've carelessly caught it from him. This should soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily.

I know you'll welcome Nomfazwe into our family with open arms. He's kind and although not that well educated, he's ambitious. Although he's of a different race and religion to us, I know your oft expressed tolerance will not allow you to be bothered by the fact that his skin colour is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too; I am told that his father's an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he came.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to let you know that I have been exaggerating things somewhat.

There was no dormitory fire, I did not have concussion or a fractured skull. I was not in hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphillis and there's no man in my life. However, I am getting a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I just wanted you to see those marks in the right perspective.

Your Loving Daughter
Maggs

THE RUDE CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
My uncle has got feminine traits =
The semi-girly man is often a cunt!

2nd - Tom Myers with:
Forbidden thoughts and desires
=
To do friend's daughters' behinds.

3rd - David Bourke with:
The American Osteopathic Board of Proctology =
Chronicled sagacity of the bottom area or poop.