Anagrammy Placegetters for August 2018

All the highly-placed anagrams from the August 2018 Anagrammy Awards.

[ Previous month ] [ Back to index ] [ Next month ]

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
I say Trump indicates ~
Americans' stupidity.

2nd - Christopher Sturdy with:
The schoolmaster's summer vacation =
Remains at home - travel costs so much!

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
'The Scream': an iconic painting by artist Edvard Munch =
Vibrant picture catches an agonised, thin man mid-cry.

2nd - David Bourke with:
The Beatles recording of 'Yellow Submarine' =
Tune from below the clear sea is led by Ringo.

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
The television game show Countdown =
Oh, needing to use vowels to win match.

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Ellie Dent with:
Aretha's died? =
I'd shed a tear... :(.

2nd - David Bourke with:
The singer Madonna reaches sixty years old =
Taxidermy necessary on her, she's again told!

3rd - Christopher Sturdy with:
Today is the centenary of The Battle of Amiens =
They often celebrate that as end of animosity.

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Tesla, Inc. =
It's clean.

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Standard American Diet =
"Red meat and antacid, sir?"

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
UNESCO World Heritage Site, The Galapagos Islands =
Ooh, epic! I saw loadsa large turtles' eggs in the sand!

2nd - Christopher Davis with:
This news might bother a dishonest idiot "president”.
The enlightening letters I find then offer this harsh glaring truth:
~
Trump has two sides on his brain: "left" and "right"

In the left side, there's nothing right.

In the right side, there's nothing left.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The original lineup of The Supremes
1. Diana Ross
2. Mary Wilson
3. Florence Ballard
4. Betty McGlown
=
1. Glamorous, if bitchy, chief warbler
2. All woman!
3. Lean starlet died young
4. Less prominent person

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
A teenager, who'd just passed his driving test, asked his father when they could discuss his use of the family car.

The father said he would make a deal with the son. "Hike your grades up from a C to a B average, attend your Bible classes a bit more, and for God's sake get your bloody hair cut. Then we can talk about the car."

The son considered the offer for a moment, then opted to accept it.

After about six weeks the father came and said, "Well, you've brought your grades up and I've noticed that you're studying your Bible with a lot more zest. However, I'm really peed off that you still haven't had your hair cut."

The boy answered promptly: "You know what, father? I've been thinking about that a lot, and I noticed in my Bible studies that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and apparently there's strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

"Is that so?" replied the father. "And did you also happen to notice that they all walked everywhere they went?!!"

=

Everybody complains about the police, but you don't usually hear about the good deeds they do - such as, for example, this incident involving a stranded biker.

One bitingly cold night in January, a North Dakota State Trooper came upon a motorcyclist who had stalled by the side of the highway. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet as a shield against the unusually harsh weather.

"Hi, buddy, what's the matter?" Said the Trooper

"Carburettor's frozen," was the despondent reply.

"Ah, you can just pee on it - the warmth should thaw it out."

"Nah, I can't," said the biker.

"Okay, just watch me and I will show you how it's done," said the trooper. Then he duly opened his fly and peed over the carburettor, as he had suggested.

A minute later the bike started easily and the rider drove off, waving a 'thank you'.

Some days later, the State Troopers' Head Office got a message of thanks from the biker's father.

It began: 'On behalf of my daughter Valerie...'

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Twelve Pixar Animated Films That Have a Deep Psychological Meaning:

12. Finding Dory
11. The Good Dinosaur
10. Inside Out
9. Brave
8. Up
7. WALL-E
6. Ratatouille
5. Cars
4. The Incredibles
3. Finding Nemo
2. Monsters, Inc.
1. Toy Story
=
12. Honor diversity
11. Friendship power
10. Expect emotion
9. Be an individual
8. Sir could dream
7. Not damaging this planet
6. Achieving dreams
5. Belong in a team
4. Use talent
3. Let a child go
2. Your scary self
1. Toys won't fail

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - David Bourke with:
From the Daily Mail - To celebrate her 37th birthday, 37 things you didn't know you didn't know about the Duchess of Sussex:

1. SHE CELEBRATES HER BIRTHDAY WITH CHIPS

A childhood spent hanging around Los Angeles TV studios, where her dad, Thomas, was a lighting director, made Meghan rather fond of canteen food - specifically, chips. Since then, wherever she is in the world, she treats herself to chips and a glass of wine on her birthday.

2. SHE IS A FLUENT SPANISH SPEAKER

The Duchess interned at the U.S. Embassy in Buenos Aires, Argentina, in 2002, immersing herself in the local language, before travelling to Madrid to study Spanish.

She showed off her flawless accent in 2013 when she recorded a tongue-in-cheek Spanish episode of Suits entitled The Killer of Love. Meghan also speaks basic French and Portuguese, and delighted a fan recently by greeting her in her native Filipino.

3. SHE'S EQUALLY GOOD WITH BOTH HANDS

Meghan has the rare attribute of being ambidextrous - meaning she can use both her right and left hands with equal skill.

She waves, writes and holds her handbag in her right hand, but eats, drinks and plays the guitar left-handed.

4. SHE BAKES CAKES FOR WILLS' CHILDREN

An avid foodie, Meghan regularly cooks up a storm at Nottingham Cottage, her and Harry's cosy marital home in Kensington Palace.

She loves to whip up sweet treats for her niece and nephew. When Kate was pregnant with Louis she took over trays of her signature ginger berry crumble and mini chocolate cakes.

5. SHE USED TO GIVE GIFT-WRAP CLASSES

In 2004, when she was a jobbing actress, the Duchess took a part-time position at Paper Source, a stationery shop in Beverly Hills.

There, she gave two-hour classes to customers on gift-wrapping, book-binding and calligraphy. Her old boss Winnie Park praised her 'creativity'.

6. SHE ALWAYS CARRIES TEA TREE OIL WITH HER

Meghan swears by tea tree oil, made from the leaves of an indigenous Australian tree, and never goes anywhere without a little bottle in her handbag.

The £2 product is the secret to her dewy, blemish-free complexion. 'It's my little cure-all,' she says.

7. SHE STILL PAYS TAXES IN AMERICA

Two-and-a-half months have passed since the wedding, but Meghan still isn't officially a British citizen. Not only does she have to pass the 45-minute Life In The UK Test but she must live in this country for three years before submitting her application. For now, the Duchess is technically still American, meaning she has to pay U.S. taxes on her £3.5 million fortune.

8. HER NOSE SPARKED A PLASTIC SURGERY FAD

Cosmetic surgeons the world over say they're being inundated with requests for The Meghan, a rhinoplasty procedure inspired by the Duchess's nose.

'She's probably one of the top - if not the number one - request I get,' said one surgeon. Fans are apparently drawn to its straightness and distinctive curved tip.

9. A SHOE COLLECTION WORTH £20,000

Friends say Meghan is 'shoe mad', snapping up designer pairs every time she goes abroad.

Her enviable collection is worth £20,000 and features £630 Christian Louboutin pumps and £650 Jimmy Choo boots.

Unusually, most of her shoes are too big for her size 5 feet - a deliberate choice to ensure she doesn't get blisters while out and about.

10. SHE AND HARRY HAVE NICKNAMES

Before their relationship became public, Meghan's covert name for Harry was H - and she wore a gold necklace with his initial on it in 2016. Royal insiders say the nickname has stuck, while Harry calls his wife Megs.

When she was younger, mum Doria nicknamed her Flower or Bud, while Thomas called his daughter Bean.

11. SHE'S GOT A FILTHY SENSE OF HUMOUR

Friends say Meghan has a wicked sense of humour that would make her in-laws blush.

Out-takes from Suits capture her making off-the-cuff and often filthy jokes with her co-stars. In one clip, she quizzes actress Sarah Rafferty about an on-screen liaison, asking: 'How big was he? Was he good? How long did it last?'

12. THE QUEEN SHARES HER TASTE IN BROLLIES

There may be 55 years between them, but Meghan and Her Majesty share an unlikely taste in accessories - namely, transparent umbrellas.

While the Queen has several hundred, made with coloured trims to match her outfits, Meghan posed with one in rainy Toronto during Suits. The design shields the user from the weather without obscuring their face.

13. SHE LOVES BOOKS ABOUT POLITICS

Meghan has a penchant for dense, weighty books on political philosophy and theology.

Her favourite author is political activist Noam Chomsky, and in 2016 she urged her followers to read his anti-capitalist tome Who Rules the World, describing it as a 'great read'. At school, she read The Seven Storey Mountain, the autobiography of Catholic theologian Tom Merton.

14. SHE'S THE SECOND SHORTEST ROYAL

At 5ft 7in, Meghan is the shortest member of Harry's immediate family - which explains her obsession with towering stilettos.

Hubby Harry is 6ft 1in, while William is 6ft 3in and Kate a statuesque 5ft 9in. Only the Queen, who is 5ft 4in, is shorter.

15. SHE STARRED IN A FAMOUS MUSIC VIDEO

After graduating from Immaculate Heart High School in 1999, 17-year-old Meghan appeared in a music video for singer Tori Amos.

She was paid £450 to put on a low-cut top and stand in a crowd watching Amos writhing around in a glass box to the song 1,000 Oceans. She also auditioned to dance in a video for Shakira, but failed to make the cut.

16. SHE'S THE OLDEST ROYAL BRIDE EVER

Meghan was 36 on her wedding day, making her the oldest bride to wed a non-divorced future king (Camilla was 57 when she married Charles).

Previously Kate - 29 when she married William - was the oldest royal bride since Eleanor of Aquitaine married Henry II in 1152.

Meghan is also the first ever Duchess of Sussex. There was a Duke of Sussex in the 19th century, but his two weddings failed to get royal approval.

17. SHE'S A HUGE FAN OF BOARD GAMES

Meghan has a competitive streak and loves nothing more than a quiet night in playing board games.

Monopoly is a favourite and, on the set of Suits, she stayed up 'into the wee hours' playing Apples to Apples, a popular card game, with cast-mates. She also loves jigsaws.

18. SHE'S A RELATIVE OF SHAKESPEARE

According to her family tree, the Duchess has some impressive British ancestors. She's William Shakespeare's fifth-cousin 13 times removed, and sixth-cousin five times removed to Winston Churchill - both through her father.

She's also a (very) distant cousin of Harry's. Genealogists say the pair are related 15 generations back, through an ancestor of the Queen Mother.

19. THREE FAITHS HAVE INFLUENCED HER

Born and raised a Protestant (the same faith as her mother, Doria), Meghan attended a Roman Catholic school and as a teen helped at a homeless shelter run by a Catholic charity.

Prior to her wedding, she adopted yet another faith, electing to be baptised into the Anglican Church of England as a mark of respect to the Queen.

20. SHE WAS AT SCHOOL WITH STAR SCARLETT

From two until 11, Meghan attended the Little Red School House, the educational institution of choice for children of Hollywood's elite.

She had her first starring role in a production of How The Grinch Stole Christmas. In the chorus was a shy girl named Scarlett Johansson, now one of the world's most highly paid actresses.

21. SHE WORKED IN A FROZEN YOGHURT SHOP

Aged 13, Meghan worked at Humphrey Yogart, a frozen yoghurt shop near her mother's home in California. Former boss, Paula Sheftel, remembers a bubbly, enthusiastic employee. 'She earned the minimum wage and was very popular with customers,' she recalled.

22. SHE DRIVES A VERY ORDINARY CAR

She may have ridden in a royal carriage, but when it comes to nipping to the shops, Meghan gets behind the wheel of an ordinary car. She's been spotted whizzing around London in a blue VW Golf, not much of a step up from the 'beat-up' Ford Explorer she used to drive between auditions.

23. FIRST BOYFRIEND IS A PRO BEATBOXER

The Duchess had her first kiss aged 13, when she locked lips with Joshua Silverstein, a boy she met at summer camp. Now married with two children, Joshua works as a professional beatboxer and has appeared on TV with chat show host James Corden.

Another old flame, Luis Segura, went on to become an estate agent, while Giancarlo Boccato, her high school prom date, is a property manager.

24. SHE USED TO BITE HER NAILS

Eagle-eyed fans will note that Meghan has small, rounded fingernails, always immaculately manicured in a neutral shade. This comes after years of biting her nails, a habit she broke only last year, when she made it a New Year's resolution.

25. SHE AND KATE WORE SAME DRESS

In fashion terms, Meghan and her sister-in-law are polar opposites, with the trendy new royal regularly outshining conservative Kate.

But the pair have stepped out in exactly the same outfit once before.

In 2012, Meghan appeared on the red carpet wearing the Zarita dress by Diane von Furstenberg, a sophisticated lace gown with sheer sleeves. Kate wore a full-length version of the £300 dress at a gala in 2017.

26. SHE ONLY EATS MEAT AT WEEKENDS

That to-die-for figure is the product of a rather unorthodox diet.

Meghan eats vegan food - no meat, fish, eggs or dairy - during the week, but lets herself indulge at weekends, when she admits to having 'a little bit more flexibility'.

27. SHE WAS COLLEGE SORORITY GIRL

Like many all-American students, Meghan joined a sorority - a social organisation named after Greek letters - while at Northwestern University, where she studied theatre and international relations.

28. SHE'S TRAVELLED TO AFGHANISTAN

In 2014, Meghan visited American military bases as part of a United Service Organisation tour. One of the stops was Bagram, Afghanistan, a remote spot surrounded by barbed wire to keep out the Taliban. While there, she entertained troops and their families with a light-hearted talk about Suits.

29. SHE IS A HUGE FAN OF 1930s FILMS

Meghan credits her father, a film buff, with introducing her to 1930s films. She's particularly passionate about Busby Berkeley, the director behind big-budget musical hits such as 42nd Street and Gold Diggers.

30. FIRST ROLE WAS TV SOAP

Thomas Markle pulled strings to get his daughter a role on the medical drama General Hospital in 2002. Her character, a nurse called Jill, had just five lines.

Meghan's film debut, in 2005 rom-com A Lot Like Love starring Ashton Kutcher, saw her playing a character called simply 'Hot Girl'. It was another five-line gig.

31. SHE'S GOT A MUSICAL TALENT

In a CV from her acting days, Meghan revealed an amazing array of musical talents - including playing the guitar, drums and 'finger cymbals'. She's a good singer, too, performing the lead in musicals while at school.

32. SHE WORE HER OWN JEWELLERY IN SUITS

In the days before she was draped in jewels from the royal vault, Meghan insisted on wearing her own jewellery in scenes for Suits. Every piece - such as a Claddagh Ring to represent her father's Irish heritage - had hidden meaning, and was her way of letting her personality shine through.

33. SHE CONQUERED A FEAR OF HEIGHTS

Adventure-loving Meghan has always had a touch of vertigo, but made it her mission to overcome her fear of heights.

In 2015, she posted a picture on Instagram, showing her leaping off a cliff into an aquamarine sea. 'Sometimes you have to do the thing that scares you,' she wrote.

34. SHE FAILED U.S. FOREIGN SERVICE TEST

Meghan once dreamed of being a diplomat and went as far as to take the Foreign Service Officer Test in 2002.

Her contemporaries said she would have been 'excellent' in the role. But the three-hour exam -which combined politics, maths and general knowledge - proved too difficult and she failed.

35. SHE INSPIRED A NOVEL CHARACTER

Lindsay Roth, her best friend from university, wrote Meghan into a chick-lit novel, What Pretty Girls Are Made Of, in 2015.

The heroine, Alison, is a thinly veiled portrait of the Duchess: a beautiful but struggling actress, trying to climb the career ladder and find love.

Funnily enough, Lindsay sent a copy of her book to the Duchess of Cambridge.

36. ANNA WINTOUR LENT HER A CARDIGAN

Around the same time that she started dating Harry in 2016, Meghan attended Wimbledon, where she sat in the players' box next to Vogue editor Anna Wintour.

It started to rain and, noticing Meghan shivering, Anna lent her a cardigan to cover up. Few knew who the actress was; one photographic agency placed her under the heading 'incidental people'.

37. SHE WANTS TO SET UP AN ANIMAL CHARITY

Animal-lover Meghan - who adopted two dogs in Canada and brought one, a beagle named Guy, to London - dreams of setting up a rescue charity to help abandoned pets. Sources say she hopes to work with TV vet Noel Fitzpatrick, who bagged an invitation to the royal wedding.

But all that might have to wait. Royal insiders say her focus now is on starting a family, with Meghan planning to be pregnant by her next birthday.

=

Thirty-seven more things you didn't know about her:

1. As a 15-year-old, the Duchess could, without fail, solve a Rubik's Cube in 50 to 55 seconds.

2. She is an Ashtanga yoga devotee, and she often meditates for 1 or 2 hours with her legs behind her head. She says this enables her to see things from a new perspective. A laughing Harry Wales concurs.

3. Meghan had to forgo a slice of her wedding cake, as it contained marzipan, and she is highly allergic to almonds. She always carries an adrenaline pen in case of medical emergencies caused by such food additives.

4. For several weeks in the run-up to their marriage, Harry and Meghan rehearsed the '(I've Had) The Time Of My Life' routine from Dirty Dancing for their 1st dance, and the pair actually mastered a flying lift. Sadly, the Queen wouldn't allow it, to the extreme displeasure of H.R.H. the Duke of Edinburgh. She said that the dance was 'inappropriate and undignified', although the real reason was thought to be that Charles and his 2nd wife Camilla are somewhat partial to performing the said dance in Highgrove House's garden.

5. Meghan's left foot is a size 5, but her right is a size 5 and a half. So as not to have to buy (or be given, moreover) unmatched shoes, she wedges a Penalty Charge Notice in her right one.

6. Meghan finds it hard to get used to using the term 'one' (which the British Royals use for "I" when referring to themselves in the 1st person). She can often be heard practising in the shower, warbling '...and one will always love one', to the Whitney Houston track.

7. Meghan has become fascinated with the British practice of 'dunking' biscuits in one's tea. (She has acquired a particular liking for Earl Grey, with a drop of soya milk). Her favourite dunking biscuits are McVities Ginger Nuts, followed by Co-Op own-brand fig rolls.

8. Her secret (so she thought!) pet name for Harry is 'Mac'. Not due to the American fast-food, computer, or tennis connotations, but as a humorous reference to McVities. (See above, if clarification is needed).

9. Meghan's first family pet was a ginger tomcat named Henry, which had to be neutered because it was a serial sexual predator, who would attempt to mate with table or chair legs. He lived to the ripe old age of 22.

10. Prince Philip can be driven into an apoplectic rage by Meghan's ceaseless habit of saying "And I'm like...", rather than "I then said..."

11. Meghan cherishes her 1976 Fender Stratocaster electric guitar, with a maple fingerboard, which is fitted with a brass Kahler locking tremelo, Grover tuners, a Buzz Feiten intonation system, a DiMarzio 'Super Distortion' humbucker pickup in the bridge position, and is refinished in a luxurious high-gloss deep orange sparkle. It originally belonged to Lenny Kravitz, and is reportedly worth about £2,200/£2,300. She uses Ernie Ball custom-gauge steel strings (.010", .013", .016" plain, .022", .032", .042"). For a wide palette of tonal options and textures, and some reverb, she plugs it, via a wireless transmitter, into a Kemper Profiler, then to a Sony 600w stereo hi-fi system. She can play, verbatim, Hendrix's version of Bob Dylan's 'All Along The Watchtower', Santana's 'Smooth', 'Spirit of Radio' by Rush, Asia's 'Heat Of The Moment', and 'November Rain' by Guns N' Roses, during which she wears her signed top hat, with "Velvet Revolver" in green Swarovski crystals, given to her by Slash, as a 30th birthday present. She is sometimes joined for an unrehearsed blues jam session by the Duke Of Edinburgh, who is somewhat of a dab hand with a bass guitar, as I mentioned in the previous "A list of 90 key facts about The Duke of Edinburgh" (2011).

12. She is a huge fan of the diminutive Australian actress and chanteuse Kylie Minogue (50), since tearfully watching, at the age of seven, Charlene Mitchell's screen wedding to Scott Robinson in Neighbours. Meghan watches this particular episode on VHS 5-6 times a year.

13. Her estranged elder half-sister Samantha Grant (53) was a cheerleader for the Los Angeles Rams NFL American football team in 1979.

14. Following his staged paparazzi photos, in which he was seen being measured up for a wedding suit, Meghan's (also estranged) father Thomas (74), is, I hear, planning to release his own gentlemen's fashion range, according to the aforementioned Samantha, who is a notorious chatterbox.

15. Meghan was informed of a 'Meghan Markle lookalike competition' organised by The Slough & Windsor Express, so she entered it for a laugh...but she only managed 3rd. She won herself a Royal Wedding commemorative tea towel. The runner-up (a Miss Sylvia Hussein, from Slough) won a commemorative gold-edged plate from the Franklin Mint. The winner (a Mrs Christine Sturdy, from Stoke Poges) won a lavish meal out for 2 at the exclusive Flaming Cow restaurant in High St., Eton. The ethereal Australian Windsor resident Natalie Imbruglia was a mere 12th.

16. Meghan moonlights as a Daily Mail Online journalist, under the pseudonym "Unity Blott". She specialises in "hilarious" light-hearted general interest stories, which are mostly lifted wholesale from Reddit, Instagram and Twitter.

17. Her favourite singer is Adele, to who she recently chatted backstage at the O2 Arena, south-east London. Afterwards, she confided to Harry that she hadn't understood a word that the 'Hello' songstress had said. As a result of this, Meghan is having some home tuition from his distant royal relative, EastEnders' Danny Dyer, in how to speak like a true cockney. She has also bought herself a 'Chas and Dave's Greatest Hits' CD, to assist her in her endeavours, and subsequently, she is often to be heard walking the Palace corridors, saying "gertcha!" repeatedly. Once, at a summer fete, she crept up behind the actor Hugh Grant, and she pinched his derriere, while suggestively exclaiming the aforementioned term. He was not remotely impressed...in fact, he didn't see the funny side of it at all. There ain't no pleasing Hugh.

18. She has told her husband that she would like Michael Curry (an American preacher who orated at some length at their nuptials) to baptise their future 1st child. Harry, looking to the heavens, said that this was quite out of the question, as they'll only have a 5-6 hour time slot for the event.

19. Meghan has said she would love to form a gospel choir, comprising of as many Royal Family ladies as she can muster. The shallow Beatrice said "What is a gospel choir?", the useless Eugenie said "Swerve that!", Kate said "Marvellous, sweetheart!", Fergie said "Ok yah!", the Queen icily said "Very well, if one must"...but Her Royal Horsiness Princess Anne said "Naff orf!"...with a Harvey Smith salute as a malicious afterthought.

20. Meghan performed backing vocals on 3 tracks on the solo album 'Supreme Clientele' by Wu-Tang Clan rapper Ghostface Killah.

21. She was sounded-out by NBC Universal International Networks researchers about a possible role in a new television show idea, "The Real Housewives of Kensington". She said she would love to, but a resolute Harry assertively put his foot down, calling it "shameless chav TV".

22. She plays Scrabble online, with a win percentage of 54%, a best word score of 179 (for 'HEATINGS'), a best game score of 550, has achieved 304 Bingos (a word where all seven tiles are used), and she has a respectable, if unspectacular, Elo rating of 1699. She will audition to take part as a Countdown contestant within the year.

23. Meghan enjoys watching the sitcom Mrs Brown's Boys, and she has taken to sarcastically saying "Dat's nice!" in her best attempt at an Irish brogue at any opportunity. She also finds Citizen Khan most amusing...unlike the irritable Duke of Edinburgh, who she intentionally riles and exasperates by fluttering her eyelashes and referring to him as "papaji" in a girly-girly Asian Brummie accent. The matter is not at all helped when Prince Harry joins in, and in character as hapless Amjad, gormlessly addresses the Duke "Hello, sir!"

24. A remorseful Meghan incurred the extreme wrath of H.R.H. The Queen by calling out for Vulcan, one of the royal dorgis (a cross of a dachshund and a corgi) in her admittedly rather accurate Her Majesty vocal impersonation. Vulcan came enthusiastically running to Meghan immediately...then upon seeing Her Majesty at the end of the corridor he had sprinted from, the poor perplexed pooch spun around several times, then he sprinted back from whence he came, knocked over her exquisite 1759 Chippendale table, smashing a priceless Ming vase, then he deposited a "present" on a historic rug which was a wedding gift to her and Prince Philip from King Faisal of Iraq.

25. When Prince Philip met Meghan's mother, Doria Ragland (61), he enquired of her, in all seriousness, if she had brought any blow with her.

26. Meghan's first husband Trevor Engelson (41) will be appearing as a contestant in the forthcoming series of Strictly Come Dancing. He hopes to be paired with Oti Mabuse.

27. Meghan has decorated an entire wall of Nottingham Cottage with 200-300 posters of her beloved childhood crush, the Welsh rock 'n' roll heart-throb Shakin' Stevens. As for these images, any that include Bonnie Tyler in them have had Tyler's face cut out with scissors, or defaced with a Sharpie felt-tip pen.

28. H.R.H The Queen secretly told Meghan that she occasionally loves to do the rowing dance to 'Oops Upside Your Head', (the 12" version) as it was "about the only chance one gets to sit down". On such occasions she has been known to summon as many as 170 wearied housekeepers, aides and flunkies to sit on the floor behind her, down the Palace corridors. Meghan secretly told her father about this...and straightaway, he "secretly" told the press, for 1,200,000 dollars. Expect this to be global headline news tomorrow, the Gap Band to rapidly re-release 'Oops Upside Your Head', and for Mark Ronson to sue them, for plagiarising 'Uptown Funk'.

29. Princess Beatrice asked Meghan if there was a way she could help her approximate her blend of effortless chic elegance and streetwise sassiness. Meghan replied: "Yeah, go get a job!" (In fact, this is Meghan's stock reply to anything that the bone idle Beatrice asks her). Beatrice was so upset that she immediately set off for a 21-day Seychelles holiday.

30. Last Christmas, she had the entire royal family (except for the waspish H.R.H. Princess Anne, who had a face like a slapped backside) in stitches, at Balmoral, where she performed an impromptu post-dinner ventriloquist act, with the adorable Prince George (5) sitting on her lap, as the dummy.

31. Meghan, under the name of Rachel from London, sent a dedication to BBC Radio 2's 'Steve Wright's Sunday Love Songs', for "her fiancé", her "best friend" and her "soulmate", Harry, who she apparently "loves to the moon and back", saying that he was "beautiful inside and out" and that she "couldn't wait to spend the rest of their lives together". Her chosen tune was 'Amazed' by Matchbox 20. She looks forward to after 4.00pm every Friday afternoon, when she religiously listens to Wright's Serious Jockin' segment, also on Radio 2. By the way, that's Jockin' with no G. Did I mention that there is no G in Jockin'?

(Ed.: "Er, yes. Get on with it!")

32. When she met The Duke of Edinburgh, the first thing he said to her (with his usual particular sensitivity) was "Don't have anything to do with that dashed Fergie woman!". She was so worried about offending him that she immediately threw away all her Black Eyed Peas 33 rpm albums, all signed "Yo! will.i.am xx". These were fished out of the Palace gold-plated wheelie-bin forthwith, by several equerries of H.R.H. Prince Edward, who now spends all his leisuretime in front of his bedroom mirror, gyrating wildly to "I Gotta Feeling" and "My Humps", with a hairbrush (not his, obviously) as a microphone.

33. She has had her portrait painted by the Chatham artist Billy Childish, co-founder of the Stuckist movement.

34. Meghan is a good friend of Gwyneth Paltrow, and the 1st and 3rd Wednesday of every month, she goes around to Paltrow's sumptuous Primrose Hill house, with her best friend Jessica Mulroney, for hot stone massages, intimate steaming, and "Body Vibes" health evenings, to "rebalance the energy frequency in our bodies' auras".

35. Meghan arranged, in return for a hefty fee (believed to be about 250,000 Euro) towards the on-going building works, to have the Sagrada Familia basilica, in Barcelona, closed to the general public for 6 hours so she and Harry could see it in complete privacy.

36. Meghan is of 1/32nd Xhosa heritage, through her great-great-great-grandfather, Thando Gugulethu Mhlambiso, an assegai-wielding ruthless warrior who hailed from what is now Vereeniging, in Gauteng province, South Africa.

37. She regularly gives bread, sweets, berries and raw cashew nuts to a bushy-tailed squirrel which has taken, when hungry, to waiting expectantly by her patio doors at Nottingham Cottage. She has named it Charlie, saying that as she is as yet unsure of the gender it identifies as, and as she doesn't want to just assume it, she wanted a name that would cover all eventualities.

2nd - Christopher Sturdy with:
The common cormorant or shag
Lays eggs inside a paper bag.
The reason you will see, no doubt,
It is to keep the lightning out.
But what these unobservant birds
Have never noticed is that herds
Of wandering bears may come with buns
And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
=
I've heard a thought that counting sheep
Is a ruse to bring on sleep
Ah, possibly, but it's flawed,
Not least because when I am bored
I engage my mind with numbers -
An active brain's not one that slumbers.
Have cold baths or some odd grog,
Stretch then yawn or stroke the dog.

3rd - Rik Sengupta with:
Strawberries
Edwin Morgan

There were never strawberries
like the ones we had
that sultry afternoon
sitting on the step
of the open french window
facing each other
your knees held in mine
the blue plates in our laps
the strawberries glistening
in the hot sunlight
we dipped them in sugar
looking at each other
not hurrying the feast
for one to come
the empty plates
laid on the stone together
with the two forks crossed
and I bent towards you
sweet in that air
in my arms
abandoned like a child
from your eager mouth
the taste of strawberries
in my memory
lean back again
let me love you

let the sun beat
on our forgetfulness
one hour of all
the heat intense
and summer lightning
on the Kilpatrick hills

let the storm wash the plates

=

Mangoes

The only mangoes worth it
were the ones I ate
one dark suburban evening
standing windwhipped
at the broken door to the storekeeper's roof
all by myself
my withered shoulders
bearing the green pot
the rosy mangoes artistic
in the gathering dusk
I ate them raw
perhaps alone
rushing to finish
that hour of solitude
the new pot licked clean
left carefully on the roof
with the shrunken skins
I tasted that breath
in that drunk, sweet air
on my lips
a moment of rare aloneness
careworn sorrow
sweet smell of mangoes
in my dreams
brew that serene breath again
let me feel it

let the stars shine
on the peaceful interlude
of thirty minutes
the evening chill
pouring into the trite Calcutta sorrow

let the moon laugh with the boy

THE RUDE CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
The names for a Penis: Cock; willy; todger; knob; dipstick; ~
prick; tool; winky; dick; male-bone; dong; pisser; shaft; etc...

2nd - Adie Pena with:
As he farted silently in an elevator... ~
a lot leave, instantly need fresh air!

3rd - Rick Rothstein with:
It is rude to stare =
I do treasure tits.