Anagrammy Placegetters for July 2018

All the highly-placed anagrams from the July 2018 Anagrammy Awards.

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THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st - Ellie with:
A thunderstorm warning =
Start running homeward!

2nd - Rik with:
Give landlords ~
gold and silver.

3rd - Mey K. with:
Bad test =
D at best.

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Mey K. with:
The dystopian Orwell novel 'Nineteen Eighty-Four' =
The one deeply relevant to things in your life now.

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - db with:
Inflatable President Donald Trump =
Rude and fat little blond in Pampers.

2nd - Mey K. with:
The final game of the World Cup ~
led me to whip out a French flag!

3rd - Adie Pena with:
The family-separation policies of Trump =
Ultimate pity for poor Hispanic females.

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Adie Pena with:
President Erdogan =
Denigrated person.

2nd - Brian Taylor with:
President Obrador of Mexico ~
once promised to fix a border.

3rd - View with:
President Rouhani =
The dope ruins Iran

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Adie Pena with:
The Video Assistant Referee =
A defeat? This one reverses it!

2nd - Mey K. with:
Social app Tinder =
Platonic despair.

3rd - Snafu with:
The National Health Service =
I hate insolvent healthcare.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Bobby Dutton was late for school.
"Hello Mister Dutton; and what kept you this time, eh?" said Angela Budd his teacher.
"Um... it's ~
breeding time Miss and I had to put the bull to the cow."
"Couldn't your father do that?" she asked.
"No way, Miss; it has to be a bull."

3rd - Ellie with:
A duck walked into a bar wearing one purple shoe. He went up to the barman and
said: 'I'd like one of your pints, if you don't mind.'
~
But Martin, a friendly barkeeper, pointing down, said: 'Wait up, man - you lose
a shoe?' And the duck replied: 'What? No, I found one. OK?'

2nd - HSP with:
"I see you have skilfully extracted a nine-letter word from Countdown's quiz and have just won the game! What short poem can you write about this thing?"

=
CONUNDRUM

Fixate on letters "G-N-O-M-E-S-H-I-T"
Why, all of a sudden you have it!
Wave hat at Nick Hewer,
Quote SOMETHING obscure...
A prize? That word justly won it!

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
"I see you have skilfully extracted a nine-letter word from Countdown's quiz and have just won the game! What short poem can you write about this thing?"
=

MISQUOTES

At Lough Neagh view that vibrant shore,
Watch the azure jewel in Ireland's crown,
Shut off, take time to explore...
Um... you didn't say County Down?

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
A blind man entered a bar, sat down and ordered a glass of Scotch.

Hey you guys!" he shouted loudly: "Do you want to hear a blonde joke?"

A deathly silence suddenly descended upon the room.

Then a woman tapped him on the shoulder and said: "Sir, since you're blind I think it's only right to inform you that the bartender here is a blonde female; the bouncer is a blonde female; the woman just to your left is blonde and a professional wrestler; the woman to your right is a blonde weightlifting champ and I'm Viv, a six-foot, blonde-haired female with a black belt in karate. So... do you still want to tell that joke?"

"Nope," said the blind man. "Not if I'm going to have to explain it five times!"
=

A major movie had just started at the cinema, when a blonde woman sitting in the middle of a row stood up and said she had to exit immediately.

All the folk sniffed in intolerant irritation at having to stand up to let the blonde work her laborious way by, and she apologised as she clambered over their legs and bags in the dark.

When she finally got to the tail-end of the row, an irate old man asked: "Couldn't you have been doing this earlier on?"

"Look, I'm sorry, but no, I totally couldn't," explained the blonde. "The 'Turn off your mobile phone' notice only just flashed up on screen."

"The man was baffled. "So why did you need to get up?"

"The blonde said: "Because my mobile is in my car!"

2nd - Adie Pena with:
THE TEN BEST SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS EVER*
1. Jaws
2. Jurassic Park
3. Mad Max: Fury Road
4. The Dark Knight
5. Back to the Future
6. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
7. Die Hard
8. The Avengers
9. Raiders of the Lost Ark
10. Aliens

=

1. Shark attack
2. Dinosaur herds appear
3. Brave Rockatansky
4. Heath Ledger became Joker
5. DeLorean driver
6. Jack Sparrow's hubbub
7. Smug street-smart Bruce
8. The Incredible Hulk et al
9. The Staff of Ra theft
10. The feminist's exosuit.

3rd - Mey K. with:

[About a week ago, the US president Donald Trump actually sat down and tweeted this all-caps message for all to see:]

"To Iranian President Rouhani: NEVER, EVER THREATEN THE UNITED STATES AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE. WE ARE NO LONGER A COUNTRY THAT WILL STAND FOR YOUR DEMENTED WORDS OF VIOLENCE & DEATH. BE CAUTIOUS!"

[About a day later, the Foreign Minister of Iran replied the American president's somewhat odd Twitter rant, tweeting:]

"COLOR US UNIMPRESSED: The world heard even harsher bluster a few months ago. And Iranians have heard them — albeit more civilized ones — for 40 yrs. We’ve been around for millennia & seen fall of empires, incl. our own, which lasted more than the life of some countries. BE CAUTIOUS!"

=

[The man with the US nuclear launch codes further wrote:]

"WHO GIVES A CRAP! SEE, I'VE 'BEEN AROUND MELANIA' TOO! SHE EVEN LET ME FEEL HER ASS! SO WHO CARES!"

[A critical person in a fierce regime also capable of serious harm then replied:]

"I pity your wife's ass, then. Eat a hundred boogers."

[Our effing leader of the free world wrote even further:]

"I DON'T EAT BOOGERS! YOU DO! WITH A BIG FORK! YOU'RE THE WORST FART IN THE UNIVERSE AND A DRUNK AND SO DUMB AND I'M TELLING PUTIN - MOM!!!"

[Surprising everyone, Vladimir himself then wrote:]

"Quiet. And for the 40th time, only contact us on a secure channel."

[But fortunately, NASA redeemed us and tweeted:]

"A deposit of frozen water has been discovered on Mars, so it could soon sustain life. Let's leave that weird trio alone, shall we?"

[And that is how we all left Twitter (and Earth).]

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Mey K. with:
haikus=
haikus

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A BOX OF JOKES AND PUN STUFF

I think children are like Marmite. You either love them or you keep them at the back of the cupboard next to the piccalilli.

I was watching the London Marathon and I saw one runner dressed as an egg, another as a chicken. I thought: 'This could be interesting.'

I have a good pal whose name is Lewis Bloom. We call him 'Two Legs Lewis'. The reason for that is because he only has one arm.

If you don’t know what Morris Dancing is, imagine eight guys from the KKK got lost, ended up by chance at gay pride and just tried to style it out.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his girth from scoffing too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye-doctor on a remote Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will always be stationery.

Would a grenade thrown into a kitchen in France result in Linoleum Blownapart?

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an aeroplane. The air stewardess looks at him and says, 'Sorry, I'm afraid only one carrion is allowed per passenger.'

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehabilitation centre says: 'Keep off the Grass.'

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I like Jesus but he loves me, so it's all a bit awkward...

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation

I'm sure that wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending.
~
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.
The police are currently looking into it

If you jumped from a bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

People who use selfie sticks need to take a proper, long look at themselves.

A kid's rubber-band pistol was confiscated in an arithmetic lesson because it was regarded as a weapon of maths disruption.

She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the roadside. She was arrested for littering.

I required a password eight characters long so I picked 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves'.

Two hats were hanging on a rack in the hall. One remarked to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

The fortune-teller midget on the run from prison was a small medium at large.

In general, in a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In general, in feudalism it's your count that votes.

When the cannibals ate the church missionary, they got a genuine taste of religion.

Two fish swam into a concrete wall.
One turned to the other and said, 'Dam!'

An Eskimo sitting in a kayak got chilly so he lit a fire. The entire boat sank, proving to the distressed man that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

In essence, I'm not a super-muscly man. Never was. In truth, I'm weedy - the strongest thing about me is my password.

Jokes about white sugar are very rare. Jokes about brown sugar? Demerara.

When I was younger I'd felt like a man trapped inside a woman's body. Then I was born.

Life is like a box of chocolates: it doesn't last long if you're fat.

Golf is not just a good walk ruined, it's also the act of hitting things violently with a stick ruined.

"What's a couple?" I asked my mum. "Two or three," she announced.Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

3rd - Mey K. with:

Answer July (written by poet Emily Dickinson)

Answer July —
"Where is the Bee —
Where is the Blush —
Where is the Hay?"

"Ah", said July —
"Where is the Seed —
Where is the Bud —
Where is the May —
Answer Thee — Me —"

"Nay" — said the May —
"Show me the Snow —
Show me the Bells —
Show me the Jay!"

Quibbled the Jay —
"Where be the Maize —
Where be the Haze —
Where be the Bur?"
"Here" — said the Year —

=

"Hey there, U.S.!
My, you're a mess.
Where be the shame?
Where be the blame?"

Quibbles U.S.,
"Hey, jail the press!
What's with the lies
They utilize?
Why analyze?!"

Journalist sobs:
"I had a job!
Why hire mobs?
Am I a jest?
Where be the West?"

"Hey", whines the West,
"We were the best!
Why are we here?
Why are we jeered?"

Hey - Humankind
Is held behind.
Either we mend,
Or reach the end.

THE RUDE CATEGORY

1st - Mey K. with:
If lad smelt it, he ~
himself dealt it!

2nd - HSP with:
Open relationship =
Her optional penis.

3rd - View with:
The erotic dreams ~
erect his meat rod.