Anagrammy Placegetters for August 2019

All the highly-placed anagrams from the August 2019 Anagrammy Awards.

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THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st - David Bourke with:
Something the cat dragged in =
Mice and things got gathered.

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Ellie Dent with:
'Seascape' by Claude Monet =
Ocean's calm, beauty's deep.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Walt Disney Live-Action Remake =
New movie lacks a real identity.

3rd - Adie Pena with:
The latest Danny Boyle movie 'Yesterday' =
Any tidy love story may need the Beatles.

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
No-deal Brexit =
Boxed in later.

2nd - Christopher Sturdy with:
The 'Bollocks to Brexit' campaign =
Am expecting to halt/block Boris

3rd - John Murray with:
Parliament suspended ~
as PM tends dire EU plan

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Disgraced billionaire Jeff Epstein =
Bad creep dies in jail. No grief is felt.

2nd - Adie Pena with:
PM BoJo =
Mop job.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The dead Epstein's former partner Ghislaine Maxwell =
She prepared a girl for sex-dates, all with eminent men.

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
Waterloo Station, England =
Get a train, London to Wales!

2nd - Jesse Frankovich with:
The Great Depression =
I presented shortage.

3rd - Tyler Severance with:
Walmart Incorporated =
Married to Walton crap.

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - George Missailidis with:
Albert Einstein, Mahatma Gandhi and the U.S. President Donald Trump =
Math genius, a tempered old Indian, and the dumbest hair transplant.

2nd - Adie Pena with:
The top three Democratic presidential candidates
3 (1) Bernie Sanders
2 (2) Kamala D. Harris
1 (3) Elizabeth Warren
(Previous Ranking)
=
3 (1) Senior mind renews patriarchal trend
2 (2) Abracadabra! I'm still here!
1 (3) Takes the prize as the dedicated one.
(Previous Ranking)

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
WARNING: If you get a link hedded 'Free Porno' dont opin it.
It is a very narsty birus wich mukcs upp your sbellcheck and it also ~
garbels up yoar whiting.
I recieved it but luckly I dont does porn so I dint opin it.
Can yuh plaese warm yuhr frends.
Ok?
Fancks.

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"It is a well known fact that those people who most want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it. To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job."
=
Two leftist opponents loomed
To outwit a pompous ass,
But the moment seemed doomed -
What major hoodoo, alas...

Chutzpah gone, we'll be cursed.
The poet Yeats and I agree:
"The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity."

3rd - Adie Pena with:
"It is a well known fact that those people who most want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it. To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job."
=
The Parallels Between the PM and the Prez

Doubts on mandate – "Leave the EU soon!"; "Build my wall now!"
Afford to mock awesome women
Untruths, lies; no ethics, too
Claim to eject those aliens today; got the ego of a white racist
Pisspot populist; a sod, too!

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
A tourist called at an antiques shop whilst holidaying in Avignon, France.

"I'd like something a bit different to take back home with me," he said.

The owner nodded eagerly and produced a skull.

"Huh? But that's only a skull," the customer protested.

"Ah no, monsieur," exclaimed the owner. "That is Napoleon's skull!"

The delighted customer bought it straight away and left the shop.

The following year the man returned to Avignon and visited the same shop again, looking for another oddity. Again, he requested something 'different'.

The owner produced a skull and claimed that it was the skull of Napoleon.

Aghast, the customer protested, "But you sold me Napoleon's skull last year!"

The owner replied, "Ah, yes, monsieur, but zis one is when he was still a boy!"

=

I encountered this older woman at a club one night.

She looked good for a sixty-year-old. Slim, ripe... not too bad at all in fact, and I found myself thinking that maybe she had an equally hot daughter?

We drank a little - well, quite a lot actually - we soon snuggled up together, and she asked me if I’d ever tried a ‘Sportsman’s Double’?

“I'm not sure,” I replied, "what is it?"

“It's a mother and daughter threesome,” she stated.

I began to contemplate her proposition (while lustfully fantasizing about what this daughter of hers looked like). "No," I confessed, "I've never done that!"

We drank some more shots and she announced: "Tonight's your lucky night, then!"

We shot back to her place.

We ran in.

She snapped on the hall light.

Then she shouted upstairs...

“Mum, you still awake?”

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
An elderly woman went into the country church. A friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" the gentleman asked courteously.

"The front row, please," she answered.

He commented, "You really don't want to do that. The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman asked.

"No," he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No," she said.

"Good," he answered.
=
One splendid Sunday, a mother walked down the hallway to wake her dependent son and tell him it was time to get up and get ready for church.

Half asleep, he spoke, "I'm not going this Sunday."

"Huh? Why not?" his mother asked.

"There are two reasons," he said. "One, the people don't like me, and two, I don't like them either."

His perturbed mother scolded, "Well, son, there are two reasons why you SHOULD go to church: One, you're a fifty-one-year-old grown man, and two, you're the pastor!"

3rd - Adie Pena with:
Eight of the world’s most expensive foods (according to the BBC)
1. Saffron
2. Caviar
3. Oysters
4. White Truffle
5. Iberico ham
6. Wagyu beef
7. Kopi Luwak coffee
8. Foie gras
=
1. Worth the flower
2. Roe of fame
3. Sexy effect by aphrodisiac
4. Fungus
5. Acorn-eating pigs
6. Marbled steak of obese cow
7. Whiff a bit of civet shit
8. Duck or goose liver.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Freddy checked into a hotel on a business trip and was feeling rather lonesome and frustrated.

He thought of the girls' photos he had seen advertised in telephone booths when he'd phoned for a cab in the past.

He popped into a telephone booth near the hotel and spotted an ad for a kittenish girl who called herself Demelza; a quite beautiful female, bending over teasingly in the photograph.

Demelza had all the right curves in the right places; beautiful long, dark, wavy hair; gorgeous, endless legs... well, you get the picture!

Freddy wrote down Demelza's phone number then rushed back to the hotel.

Back in the room Freddy figured, 'what the heck, I'll give her a call!'

'Hello,' the woman said. God, she sounded sexy!

'Hi,' said Freddy, 'I hear that you give a sensational massage and I'd like you to come to my hotel room and give me one...

'No, wait; let me be completely specific here. I am in town, I am alone and what I really desire is sex. I want it hard, and I want it very hot, and I want it now.

'Bring lots of implements, kinky toys; leather straps; rubber cucumbers; everything you've got in your bag of tricks.

'We'll get hot and steamy; tie me up, smear me with chocolate syrup and whipped cream; be crazy all night. Whatever you want! How does that sound to you?'

She said, 'It sounds quite fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'

=

Dublin Zoo had acquired the female of a rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla had begun to be very cantankerous and difficult to handle.

Upon examining her, the zoo's vet discovered the problem.

The gorilla was on heat...

To make matters worse, no male gorillas of the species were available.

While reflecting on the problem, the management chanced to see Paddy, a chunky Dubliner chap, and former No. 9 rugby player, who was responsible for the zoo's general maintenance.

Paddy, like most single, strapping Irishmen, seemed to be blessed with the ability to satisfy the ladies of any species.

The zoo administrators thought Paddy might possibly be the solution to their problem, so they approached him with a rather unusual suggestion.

Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred euros?

The stunned Paddy replied that he'd need to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Paddy announced that, after due thought, he would accept their suggestion, but only under three conditions:

'Firstly,' he said, 'Oi don't wanna have ta kiss her.'

'Secondly, ya must never tell anyone about dis.'

The management quickly agreed to these conditions, then they asked him what the third one was.

'Well,' said Paddy, 'Ya gotta give me another week to come up with da foive hundred euros.'

3rd - Adie Pena with:
END OF SUMMER
by Stanley Kunitz

An agitation of the air,
A perturbation of the light
Admonished me the unloved year
Would turn on its hinge that night.

I stood in the disenchanted field
Amid the stubble and the stones,
Amazed, while a small worm lisped to me
The song of my marrow-bones.

Blue poured into summer blue,
A hawk broke from his cloudless tower,
The roof of the silo blazed, and I knew
That part of my life was over.

Already the iron door of the north
Clangs open: birds, leaves, snows
Order their populations forth,
And a cruel wind blows.
=
GONE IN SUMMER
In Memoriam

Leon hushed a small woeful child,
Ruiz sobbed for one neighbor.
Oh, no! A tot heard the shots,
Ysabel knelt to pray to the Savior.

Edmundo muffled a howl for
Latinos hurt, broken and bloody.
Phoebe's wish is now widowed,
Alvarez lost that drinking buddy.

Sons mourn for their mom,
Ortiz will inter that truthful friend.
Daughters need the doomed father
As that life comes to a twilit end.

Young ones without a parent,
Teenagers will be missed in a clan.
Officemates have attended the wake,
NRA lobbyists propose a PR plan.

THE RUDE CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The elephant's genitals =
A penis that's eel-length!

2nd - George Missailidis with:
Horny -> Strip -> Tits -> Nude =
It's the porn industry<

3rd - View with:
Copulation =
A cool input.