'Don't Let's Be Beastly To The French'

The French? They're suave, they're stylish, stubborn,
They go "Sacre bleu!" then "Hoh hoh hoh!",
When they strut down the Champs-Elysees,
Tasting Beaujolais Nouveau.

They're not as tubby as the Belgians,
They're not as oily as the Wops,
Not even when they sell rotten onions,
Dressed in stupid berets and striped tops.

But don't let's be beastly to the detested Frogs,
They deserved way better...heartfelt thanks,
Now remember what they gave as a present:
The Statue of Liberty, to the Yanks!

Now, their breath may tend to smell of garlic,
Somewhat of Gitanes et Gauloises,
But they've a certain petulant "je ne sais quoi",
Pardon? Myself, pretentious? MOI?!!

They gave us Gerard Depardieu,
Alain Delon, Sacha Distel,
Catherine Deneuve, Brigitte Bardot...
(But Johnny Halliday as well!)

Liberté, et Egalité,
Et Fraternité, that they'd salute.
Zut alors! They netted the World Cup,
With Zinedine Zidane's damned boot!

They gave us twin-towns, Notre-Dame,
Renaults with the "va-va-voom",
Letters, kisses, the Foreign Legion,
Le Pen, et ma tante's plume.

The monumental Eiffel Tower,
Sudden beheading with the guillotine,
Amphibians' limbs, bland Brie,
Baguettes, et snobby "haute cuisine".

Pret-à-Manger, Eurotrash, windows,
The renowned Montgolfiers' balloons,
Maisonnettes, detente, the bidet,
Debussy's marvellous tunes...

A horn, the double-entendre,
Delectable snails, Monet,
The omelette, mangetout, the Metro,
Then that wonderful Dubonnet...

Whew! They tend to sweat, don't bathe often;
Best be upwind - some don't wash at all!
Yet, in fact, they'd slap on un parfum,
So as not, thus, to appal.

Why, now don't let's taunt the French,
When, after all, they do little harm.
We should let them eat that cake,
With that understated Gallic charm.

As for them burning our lamb and beef,
Why, maybe we'd forgive them that!
The damn demented roadblocks, then?
Even them shutting-down Sangatte?

Google "French military victories",
Then "I'm feeling lucky" press:
Did you mean: "french military defeats?"
(There's many of them, then, we'd guess!)

'Though they went and dubbed the Brits "Rosbifs"
(But blantantly malevolent? Peut-etre not!)
With that polish, and that dressing,
What a truly damn wondrous lot!

We're admittedly indebted to them,
- Thanks for that duty-free booze!
Cheers then, Monsieur et Mademoiselle,
Wasted, we've nothing left Toulouse!

Why, then, be wretched to the French,
When they're not that bad at all?
Now, what say we go jump on the TGV?
- We'd toast l'Entente Cordiale!

'Don't Let's Be Beastly To The Irish

Aw, sweet bejasus! Let's have dat wee toast to the Irish, to be sure!
Let's not stereotype them (at all at all!) - no dumb jokes anymore.
They went and emigrated far and wide, they traversed every sea
('Though now don't thousands of them seem in Kilburn High Road pubs to be?)

Let's we not be nasty to them... well, it's not as if they're black!
Thin Lizzy's Phil Lynott? HE might have been. Be nice to them, just for the craic!
There's Guinness, blessed with the water out of the Dublin Liffey river,
Then, three sheets to the wind, George Best... the latest wasted transplanted liver.

The bodhran, the penny-whistle, Martin McGuinness and Gerry Adams,
The theme-pub, Murphy's Stout, 'Bewitched' (the tuneless little madams!)
Then there's that show 'Riverdance', with umpteen dancing feet down stamping.
The Chieftains, and Boyzone, and the effete Graham Norton, camping.

Bono (the twat) pontificating...many other blatant dead-end bores,
The blarney stone, little leprechauns, fiddley-diddley tunes, The Corrs.
Val Doonican (who had that decent wee tune 'Forty Shades Of Green'),
Then twenty shades of blue - the pretty foul mouth of Roy Keane.

Utter sentimental twaddle: Chris de Burgh twee ballads emoting,
Terry Wogan tut-tut-tutting about bent Eurovision voting.
What a wealth of literature they gave! (Between Behan, Wilde, Heaney, Shaw...)
They gave us music legend Van Morrison ('Them')... and Christy Moore.

Westlife, and The Undertones, the endless other talented bands,
The hotheaded Reverend Paisley, the Maze prison, Bobby Sands.
The potato famine, the smiling eyes...Dave Allen (now, he *was* funny!)
The tatty Boomtown Rat, Bob Geldof ("Just give us yer effin' money!")

That Newtownards motormouth Edmund Irvine, Clannad, mutton (stewed).
Bushmills, Father Ted, St Patrick, nationalist attitude.
The punt, the wolfhound mutt, Ma Kelly, hurling, tweed, shillelaghs,
Pierce Brosnan, Bloody Sunday, Stormont, Sinead O'Connor, Baileys.

They brought us Theobald Wolfe Tone, the DUP, The Pogues,
The UDF, the UDA...other wanted absolute rogues.
The esteemed Charles Haughey, the wholesome Mary McAleese,
Bullet battles, unattended bombs, Ulster stalemate, settlements... peace?

But let's have a wee word of thanks... ta to 'The Provos' (The IRA)
- Well, that flattened Brighton hotel needed total refurbishment anyway!
Let's we not be nasty to the Paddies - that rugby team, they won't be beat!
The little green men in a nutshell? Now, are they really not quite sweet?

'Don't Let's Be Nasty To The Australians'

Better raise that tinny to them Aussies then!
- 'Though they tend to be (what's new?) crude.
They're similar to New Zealanders, but with less intellect,
And without that stuffy, snobbish attitude.

The women, they're all named Sheila,
The gentlemen are named Bruce.
Their idea of foreplay, though? "Brace yerself, love!",
(Which isn't much bladdy use).

Strewth, blue! The lingo's admittedly pretty blunt,
They're brash! Christ, *they're* no bunch of wowsers!
But, evidently, some have fundamental difficulty,
Keeping the "strides" up. ("What's that?" - Trousers).

They're unsentimental, independent, bawdy, bluff!
Damned lewd? Not half! The common banter's fruity!
There's the wobbegong, the noted Evonne Goolagong,
The tuneful Natalie Imbruglia (you little beauty!)

They eat yabbies, drive "utes", peed as a newt,
Wear those distinctive hats with corks on strings.
They eat Vegemite, watch 'Neighbours' then 'Home and Away',
From downtown Indooroopilly to Alice Springs.

They're into barbies, wasted, on Bondi Beach,
L.B.W! Howzat! - They're O.T.T. over the cricket.
Yet most seem to be bar stewards in Earls Court...
A bottle of Fosters, then? Well, that's the ticket!

They went and gave us the Sydney Opera House, possums,
The Dreamtime...but Rolf Harris,
The well-suntanned model Elle - "The Body", mate!
Mark 'Webbo' Webber, the brothers Farriss.

Then the damned-talented Delta Goodrem,
The feted Mr. Scott - the late Bon,
Jason Donovan, the band Mental As Anything,
They're totally devoted to Olivia Newton-John.

From The Gulf of Carpentaria, to dead-end Townsville,
Down west to The Great Australian Bight,
There's multitudes of sheep, then sheep...then even more sheep!
But stuffed, even they're alright!

There's the wallaby, the Tasmanian devil,
The platypus, the koala, the kangaroo.
Then there's the bushmen's most delightful tunes
- Listen when they play that blessed didgeridoo!

There's Waltzing Matilda, the esteemed Angus Young,
(The metal 'Thunder from Down Under').
They booze unbelievably! (Doesn't Shane Warne at least?)
Bet tons of Castlemaine he must (spew-up) "chunder".

Don Bradman, the detested Abo settlements,
The dingo mutt, tennis star Lleyton Hewitt...
Tempted by that hot weather? Well, fly out Qantas then!
Don't be the whinging little pom! Just do it!

They even went and gave us 'Pauline Hanson One Nation',
Nonetheless, they're the ultimate, just damned great,
From peaceful Wendouree, to Newcastle, New South Wales!
Don't be a dag, sport! G'day, mate!

'Don't Let Us Be Beastly To America'

Let's have a hi-five for the Yankees!
The US, they're Blighty's bestest friend!
We'll bet (damn sure!) when at war,
On them "doughboys", we'll depend!

They sound similar to the Canadians
(The difference we can't even tell).
From Atlanta to Tennessee, Butte, Duluth, "Noo Yawk",
Gee, dude, guess they're "swell"!

Despite the Indians' reservations (how?)
They truly are first-class.
(But they don't tend to know the difference,
Between a 'fanny' and an 'arse').

They gave us the Seven-Eleven, the Stetson,
Southwestern Bell, Beyonce Knowles,
The Battle of Little Bighorn,
The teepee, the wigwam, totem poles.

The mighty dollar, "E.T.", Las Vegas,
The Broadway Theater, the huge Empire State.
The Niagara Falls, The Hollywood Bowl,
Hubble, Motown, the Golden Gate.

Babe Ruth, the Indy Speedway, the Minuteman,
The Harley-Davidson Electraglide,
The Pentagon, The NFL, The Temptations:
(Bill Clinton, Monica inside).

Then the cattle up Wisconsin,
Down Florida's swamps, them damn "gators",
The Deep South, gumbo stew down "Nawlins",
The Wild West, Rayban Aviators.

Both Laura and Jenna on the bottle,
Eminem, The White House, prohibition,
Tammy Wynette, John Wayne Bobbitt,
The motel, the Challenger Shuttle mission.

The new California State Governor?
That, then, belief 'twould utterly beggar:
- That suntanned, testosteroned Terminator,
Arnold Schwarzenegger!

They're "The Land of the Free", the States,
But most neutral countries must hate their guts.
(That fast-food at McDonalds supersized
Their wobbly bottoms - sorry - "butts").

Meatloaf, and the other lardy fatsoes...
Hey, Tubby! Who ate all the pies?
J. Edgar Hoover, Elvis Presley,
Sinatra. ("Old Blue Eyes").

Then that detested dumdum "Dubya",
Cher, Madonna (nude), sweet Britney,
Then New Edition, Bobby Brown,
Husband of the demented Ms. Houston (Whitney).

When that unfortunate morning at Pearl Harbour,
The Nips destroyed the Pacific fleet,
The then President, Roosevelt, not to be outdone,
Would plan, undaunted, the revenge most sweet...

They went and utterly flattened Hiroshima,
Then at Vietnam, got a damned kicking.
They armed the Contras, then Iraq,
But thus, set the timebomb ticking.

May God bless the gas-guzzling United States,
The last of the world superpowers!
How goes that Freedom monument, then,
At Manhattan, the site of The Twin Towers?

Better be buddies to them "septics", dude!
The Stars and Stripes mustn't ever fall.
We'll salute them annually...every July the Fourth,
Hey buddy! Have a nice day, y'all!