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HOW TO CONVERSE: A short lesson
In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating superficial sentimentalities
and physiological or zoological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let
your conversation possess a clarified conciseness, a compact comprehensibleness, and a
coalescent consistency. Eschew all conglomerations of flatulent garrulity, Jesuitical
babbling and asinine affectations. Let your extemporaneous descanting and unpremeditated
expatiations, have intelligibility, without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously
avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolixity and vapidity. Shun double entendre,
and puerile jocosity, whether obscure or apparent.
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Now class, listen up! Give me yer lug'oles, you 'orrible lot: you're 'ere to learn.
Don't complain: it can even be fun! So, go on; zip up yer gobs, hear me out. I'll teach
all you ninnies how to chat proper, get it? Ace. Cool. Yea, pupils, 'cos now it's super
cool chat time! You can learn loads: so, no more sad come-on, chat-up lines, lads!
First, fix all verbals: do not drone, and waffle on a lot. Use short, apt words; abandon
insipid puns. Be brief, exact, 'cos that's civil, not pants. O, respect is so crucial:
since a drip is not hip, right? Stop any extra jargon: it's flannel! Eliminate! Imagine
you're literary; it's easy if you try. ...Oops, it's lingo, not Ringo (or Lennon). Mind
you, 'e didn't do too bad in a Scouse accent. But I digress, I admit it; call it deja
vu. As I said, let's abbreviate! Basically, cut the c**p!
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