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Oh No, I Got a Cold!
I am sitting on the sofa
By the fire and staying in,
Me head is free of comfort
And me nose is free of skin.
Me friends have run for cover,
They have left me pale and sick
With me pockets full of tissues
And me nostrils full of Vick.
That bloke in the telly adverts,
He's supposed to have a cold.
He has a swig of whatnot
And he drops off, good as gold,
His face like snowing harvest
Slips into sweet repose.
Well, I bet this tortured breathing
Never whistled down his nose.
I burnt me bit of dinner
'Cause I've lost me sense of smell,
But then, I couldn't taste it,
So that worked out very well.
I'd buy some, down the café
But I know that at the till
A voice from work will softly say,
'I thought that you were ill.'
So I'm wrapped up in a blanket
With me feet upon a stool,
I've watched the telly programmes
And the kids come home from school.
But what I haven't watched for
Is any sympathy,
'Cause all you ever get is:
'Oh no, keep away from me!'
Medicinal discovery,
It moves in mighty leaps,
It leapt straight past the common cold
And gave it us for keeps.
I'm not a fussy woman,
There's no malice in me eye,
But I wish that they could cure
the common cold. That's all. Goodbye.
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It's not always so easy,
When constipation dams you,
Traumatic wind and farting,
Sitting straining on the loo.
With gastroenteritis,
Bellyache feels like hell,
No appetite whatsoever,
Giving off a real bad smell.
The TV ads to aid relief,
It's Natural Senokot,
It works gently overnight,
Every day to make you plop!
No one with constipation,
Never ever feels good,
Not one bowel movement in a week,
And you feel right off your food!
Gastrointestinal trouble,
Feeling bloated? Symptoms seen?
Senokot helps those hard dry stools,
If you need, and haven't been?
You want to shit, and feel bad,
But movement is still hard,
The song is but another fart,
O dear me! Your arse is charred!
Move vast muck off bowels which ache?
Help! Fed up! defy shit's whiff?
Fill the tummy up with food,
Chew chops! Add chips if fish.
Whim's chew! Scoff ham! Lick mouth!
Still can't go...? Secluded make?
Dim acme's comic case, I retch,
Me vomits! Chum tummy ache!
I have tried all kinds of pills,
The advice which way to see?
Senokot makes you better,
To help move hard stools and wee!
The cure is soft and gentle,
Wow! Bum relief! Hark! Stop!
Hi! The tummy's bowels are smooth,
At last I've shite!!! Tum toilet plop!!!
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