FEBRUARY 2002 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2002


THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st - Adrian Hickford with:
Radio phone-ins =
Opinions heard.

2nd - Larry Brash with:
Tetrahydrocannabinol =
Inhaled, contrary to ban.

3rd - Jaybur with:
Universal agreement =
Relieves an argument.

Wayne Baisley with:
Big Beautiful Woman =
Imagine awful tubbo.

David Bourke with:
An incestuous relationship... ~
heinousness, to puritanical.

Phil Carmody with:
Using internet =
Uninteresting.

Paul Equinox Collins with:
Cyanide =
I can dye!

Maurice Goddard with:
"Eureka!" Archimedes's principle =
Remark! Herein, ice displaces up.

Maurice Goddard with:
Being of the same opinion =
Big hope in one manifesto.

Maurice Goddard with:
Coffee mug? Sip a pint? A cigar? "NO!" ~
"I'm gasping for a nice cup of tea!"

Meyran Kraus with:
Archeological Expeditions =
Exposing... Oh, I located a relic!

Matjaz Pihler with:
Small price =
I smell crap.

Hans-Peter Reich with:
System information =
Moronity manifests.

Hans-Peter Reich with:
Gallows =
Law logs.

Hans-Peter Reich with:
Video game =
Give a demo.

Hans-Peter Reich with:
Thermostat =
Hot matters.

Santi Spadaro with:
Hipster =
He "trips".

Santi Spadaro with:
A school =
Lo, chaos!

John Tezel with:
Up in the sky =
Hey, Sputnik!

John Tezel with:
Religion is ~
lie's origin.

John Tezel with:
Undying love is ~
O! divinely sung!

John Tezel with:
Everlasting love? =
Triangles evolve.

Mick Tully with:
STOP SMOKING! =
Mist pongs, OK?

Mick Tully with:
Telephone answering machine =
"Listen men, open a chinwag here!"

James H. Young with:
Silent movie on ~
television. *NOM*


THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The children's story of The Sleeping Beauty =
By a touch of these lips, I gently end her rest.

2nd - Adrian Hickford with:
Oscar nominated actor Will Smith =
Cinema world contrasts him to Ali.

3rd - Richard Grantham with:
Each recruit has to learn Brahms at ~
the Australian Chamber Orchestra.

David A. Green with:
George A. Romero's 'Night of the Living Dead' =
Flesh-eating horror video. I gagged? Not me!

Adrian Hickford with:
The film "Gladiator" =
Old fight material.

Jaybur with:
The late John Thaw: alias Inspector Morse =
I act these major thespian roles: now halt.

Jaybur with:
Albert Cuyp's: 'A Herdsman With Cows by a River' =
Draws rustic, shapely, bovine charm by water.


THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Osama bin Laden =
Some DNA in a lab.

eq.2nd - David Bourke with:
Princess Margaret is dead =
It's sad. (Grim reaper dances!)

eq.2nd - Maurice Goddard with:
War on disease =
Erase AIDS now!

David Bourke with:
The Canadian supply teacher Amy Gehring =
Many erect pupils enchant aged hairy hag.

Maurice Goddard with:
The winners take it all ~
in the "Salt Lake Winter"!

Adrian Hickford with:
First-degree murderer Robert William Pickton =
Torturer, women killer - it described pig farmer.

Jaybur with:
The late Princess, Margo =
Tragic loss: her pet name.

Lardy Girl with:
Ultrasound vasectomies =
Nut roast amuses evil doc.

David Monk with:
Super Bowl Sunday =
We'd slap your buns.

Matjaz Pihler with:
The Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City =
Skill set to win my place in the icy art.

Mick Tully with:
To prudent English, ~
The Pound Sterling!


THE RUDE CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Tight Blouse =
Oh, tits bulge!

2nd - Adrian Hickford with:
Feeling romantic =
Flaming erection!

3rd - David A. Green with:
O, the taste of mother's milk =
He took meals from the tits.

David Bourke with:
One-off, temporarily =
No time for foreplay!

David Bourke with:
Beef curtains =
Nut briefcase.

Maurice Goddard with:
Nonsensical talk =
Anal clones stink!

Tom Myers with:
She's a great lover, ~
so let's ravage her!

Tom Myers with:
Being erotic =
Big erection.

Tom Myers with:
She is the perfect woman =
Chap meets finest whore.

Tom Myers with:
Costs of this lay =
Loss of chastity.

John Tezel with:
I, school teen, i.e. no clothes =
Notice holes? Choose inlet!


THE SPAM CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
You could tell Lori was proud of her body and she took care of it. From her wavy blond hair that feathered lightly in the breeze to her long and beautiful legs that drew appreciative glances. She was happy with the way she looked. She was proud of her flat stomach and firm breasts. Her nipples were large and she loved how they drew a man's attention when they poked through her blouse. Or in this case, her bikini top.

Lying in the hot sun, she worked a little more sunscreen into her nicely tanned shoulder and turned up her radio.

Lori was alone that day. Actually, she wasn't planning to be. Two days prior, she had broken up with her boyfriend over a petty thing. She knew that they'd probably work it out but she understood that they needed this time apart now. So she came to the beach anyway, not expecting anything.

She laid back on her towel, wishing that she and her boyfriend were there together, his arms around her, putting lotion on her skin. Her hands gently caressed her tummy and she suddenly realized that she was hornier than she thought.

Click here to read the rest of this naughty erotic story...

=

The noble prince halted. There, frozen on a marble plate, was the princess, achingly pretty. He puckered up, knelt down and...

"Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?!" shouted the enraged woman.

"The legend, your Highness... woken by a light kiss on the lips -"

"Not THOSE lips, pervert!" the beauty answered. "Oh, dear god. They're all the same."

"Ah, I -"

"You think I don't read the fable-studies? How Little Red Riding Hood secretly longed for a rough badass to lurk in the shadows? But nobody was interested to learn why the wolf had to dress in *drag*. Not to mention the wanker with the shoe-fitting fetish. A closet-case, no doubt."

"Eh... er...," voiced the prince, the bulge in his pants replaced by a lump in his throat.

"Think the real Rapunzel threw her braids down for someone to climb UP? She shaved her head and used her hair to climb DOWN the tower. Why do you think she grew it - What's your name, baby?"

"Ah, Thor."

"Yeah, right. What's your REAL name?"

"Harry," the prince stated shyly.

"Aha. Have to french a stiff's twat to get a sexual rush, Harry?"

"Ah, no... so sorry," the prince uttered and ran away.

"Thanks for nothing," said the princess wearily. "Rotten necrophile."

 

2nd - Larry Brash with:
DEAR LARRY BRASH,

CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS PROPOSAL

HAVING CONSULTED WITH MY COLLEAGUES, AND BASED ON THE INFORMATION GATHERED, I HAVE THE PRIVILEGE TO REQUEST FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE TO TRANSFER THE SUM OF TWENTY MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS ($20 M U.S.) INTO YOUR ACCOUNT.

THE ABOVE SUM RESULTED FROM AN OVER-INVOICED CONTRACT, EXECUTED, COMMISSIONED AND PAID FOR ABOUT FOUR YEARS AGO BY A FOREIGN CONTRACTOR. THIS ACTION WAS HOWEVER INTENTIONAL AND SINCE THEN THE FUND HAS BEEN IN A SUSPENSE ACCOUNT AT THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA APEX BANK.

WE ARE NOW READY TO TRANSFER THE FUND OVERSEAS, AND THAT IS WHERE YOU COME IN. IT IS IMPORTANT TO INFORM YOU THAT AS CIVIL SERVANTS, WE ARE FORBIDDEN TO OPERATE A FOREIGN ACCOUNT, THAT IS WHY WE REQUIRE YOUR ASSISTANCE. THE TOTAL SUM WILL BE SHARED AS FOLLOWS: 60% FOR US, 30% FOR YOU AND 10% FOR LOCAL AND INTERNATIONAL EXPENSES INCIDENTAL TO THE TRANSFER.

THE TRANSFER IS RISK FREE ON BOTH SIDES. I AM AN ACCOUNTANT WITH THE NIGERIAN NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION (N.N.P.C.). IF YOU FIND THIS PROPOSAL ACCEPTABLE, WE SHALL FAX TO YOU A FOREIGN CONTRACTORS APPLICATION FORM, WHICH YOU WILL HAVE TO COMPLETE AND FAX BACK TO US.

THIS BUSINESS WILL TAKE US TWENTY-ONE (21) WORKING DAYS TO ACCOMPLISH. FOR SECURITY REASONS, MAKE SURE YOU KEEP THIS PROPOSAL STRICTLY TO YOURSELF THAT IS DO NOT DISCUSS WITH A THIRD PARTY. ON YOUR ACCEPTANCE OF THIS PROPOSAL, I WILL SEND YOU MY PERSONAL TELEPHONE/FAX NUMBERS ON THE NEXT STEP THAT IS REQUIRED. REPLY URGENTLY,

REGARDS,

CHIEF JOSEPH OBOH

=

Dear Chief Oboh,

Thank you for an extremely considerate, interesting email regarding a truckload of cash that I would make on this deal.

30 percent? WOW! That's six million buckaroos just for little old me! Sixty six thousand bananas would be quite a winner for me! An excellent cash spinner! The fun I'd have with that! Wait until I tell our friends I'll soon be a millionaire! Poor assholes, they'll be so envious!

Now, are you sure that's a legal plan? It sounded a bit dodgy to me. Quite possibly things are done in a far different way in your country. Sorry, I don't want to patronise or sound a racist.

Being a very cautious applicant, I thought that I'd check things for accuracy first before making a commitment to the plan. I've vaguely heard of Nigerian scams, cons or stuff before, but from your email, it sounds so professional, so genuine, so attractive.

I had a look at http://www.crimes-of-persuasion.com/ They had quite a few con stories, and funny cases that warn of people ripped off, beaten up or even killed. You can't believe a word that you read on the Internet! Who are these scornful creeps? What sort of non-stop crap can they concoct to scare people off overseas investments? These unsophisticated people hate entrepreneurs! I suspect their narrow misinterpretations are discourteous, contrary or psychotic. An extraordinary affront!

We should transact this very holy loan as soon as possible. You'd want exact financial details to transfer the tons of cash? My account number is: NP-1100-NN-2026-A.

Larry Brash

 

3rd - Adrian Hickford with:
Did you ever see the television show about the masked magician who revealed how the magic tricks worked?

There was a huge backlash from magicians all over the country because one guy was giving away their secrets and ruining the tricks! Well, that's what I'm doing.

Internet Millionaires are going nuts because I've decided to show people how we've easily made our fortunes. They think this is going to ruin them, but I know there is enough to go around for everyone who wants it!

So, I said "to heck with them" and I decided to reveal all of the money making secrets used by the most successful Internet Moguls in the business AND guarantee that these tips can make you $1,000 in cold hard cash in 15 days or less!

His method works!

=

Dear Nitwit Spammer

What will you do with the wealth, the money? Here are some of the wittiest suggestions from the devotees of alt.anagrams:

Rent a huge chicken costume, and wander round the streets and suburbs of Washington DC (the White House, too) making clucking noises. (David Bourke)

Achieve the purchase of cute mouse-like actress Winona Ryder's two ovaries (with 115,000 eggs). Or steal them. (Larry Brash)

Discover how to give head like an emotional gigolo eunuch. (Mick Tully)

Convince George W. Bush to stand aside, and admit the election was won by the enemy: Al Gore. (David Green)

Get a gun - shoot it - use it wisely - suicide is painless... (Mey K.)

Huh? Dunno. Oh! Save the bittern? (Dick 'Einstein' Silk)

Kiss my hairy ass! Cheerio! (Adrian H.)

 

Don P. Fortier with:
cromusic.cjb.net =
No crime, just BCC ?

 


THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Colors

 

2nd - David A. Green with:
"In a right-angled triangle the square on the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares on the other two sides" =
Pythagoras' theorem: therein he quotes his delightful, quite elegant, equations to show truth, sense and reason.

 

3rd - David Bourke with:
In 1902 Frederick Opper created a comic about two Frenchmen who couldn't get through a door without a frenzy of politeness:

'After you, my dear Alphonse.' 'No, after you, my dear Gaston.' They pretty much vanished after 1910 but the phrase 'Alphonse and Gaston' is still in the larger dictionaries as a term for two people showing extreme politeness to each other, like two baseball outfielders each deferring to the other and letting the ball fall between them.

=

Check out this true-life story:

Seems in about 1901/1902 two wordy naff old twits, Zoran and David, couldn't agree about who exactly should get the 'Nom' for:

Napoleon Bonaparte = "No, not appear on Elba." / "To appear on Elba, non?"

The latter gem, it was agreed, represented a slight style-shift, yet it seems the Chief 'Nom' Referee, Doctor Laurence Brash, chose instead to killfile the friggin' pair of them, thus awarding the trophy free to Mr. Michael Tully. ("Er, who he, the creep?")

 

David Bourke with:
The boss of the Noble, Georgia Crematorium, Ray Brent Marsh =
Grim! Grisly! Macabre! Not ash there, but there's a room of bone.

 

Richard Brodie with:
Gates donates twenty-four billions to improve world health. =
Lots of money to be given around will help to thwart disaster.

 

Paul Equinox Collins with:
Self-nominated anagrams have occasionally won awards. =
A man advances own words. "Hola, fans! I am clearly an egoist."

 

David A. Green with:
'The Mammoth Book of Twentieth-Century Ghost Stories' edited by Peter Haining =
Tome's spooky new fiction: It's better to read them at night, though, here in my bed.

 

Adrian Hickford with:
Magnificat

 

Allan Morley with:
Death of a Whale [version 2]

 

Walter Newboldt with:
happy birthday to me,
happy birthday to me,
happy birthday dear walter,
happy birthday to me!
=
party party party!
permit rhythm, bopped today!
daydream, hide phobia,
hah! play with the baby!

 


THE PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Jaybur with:
Saddam Hussein =
UN's said he's mad.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Princess Margaret Rose, Countess of Snowdon =
Crown rests in peace, to sad songs of mourners.

eq.3rd - David Bourke with:
Napoleon Bonaparte =
To appear on Elba, non?

eq.3rd - Matjaz Pihler with:
Eddie Murphy =
I'm hyper-dude.

Adrian Hickford with:
Casey FitzRandolph =
Typical frozen dash.

Jaybur with:
The Landscape artist Aelbert Cuyp =
Created happy scene, but it's all art.

Santi Spadaro with:
I, Oscar Peterson =
or "piano secrets".

Mick Tully with:
"Peterborough" - Charlie Methven =
Bore overmuch in the "Telegraph".


THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Larry Brash with:
International Space Station =
It is not a pleasant container.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Tate Gallery, London =
Only old, elegant art.

3rd - Phil Carmody with:
Quadrature Amplitude Modulation =
Our ultra-antiquated dialup modem.

Larry Brash with:
The Australian Chamber Orchestra =
Hear Herr Bach's music. A tonal treat.

Andrew Denny with:
The General Synod =
Heresy to England.

David A. Green with:
Harpic Mountain Pine Toilet Freshener =
Aim: to repel stench of their urine in pan.

Adrian Hickford with:
The Paranal Observatory =
"Heaven-parts" laboratory.

Jaybur with:
Great Ormond Street Hospital for Sick Children =
Rated clinic promotes health, for stronger kids.

David Monk with:
The United States of America =
Fate hits timeout: needs a car.

Tom Myers with:
The National Museum of Art =
Shit! A menu of total manure!

Matjaz Pihler with:
The US Robotics modems ~
hum bits to Morse codes.

Hans-Peter Reich with:
Great Britain =
Giant arbiter.

John Tezel with:
Abercrombie and Fitch =
Combine thread, fabric.


THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Adrian Hickford with:
American comedian Steven Wright's trademark is his brilliant dour-faced delivery and remarkably calm, off-the-wall approach to comedy.

 

2nd - James H. Young with:
The 100 Questions Used by the United States Immigration and Naturalization Service Examiners in Citizenship Test

 

3rd - Richard Grantham with:
An excerpt from The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy

 

David Bourke with:
Bet you didn't know.....

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.

A shrimp's heart is in their head.

People say "Bless you" when you sneeze, because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.

In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so).

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.

On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times, and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Rats and horses can't vomit.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

If you keep your eyes open by force, they will pop out.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.

In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Cat's urine glows under a black light.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

I bet you tried to lick your elbow!!!

=

I guess you DID know.....

Maurice A. Goddard is quite often mistaken for Torquay hotelier Basil Fawlty. (Between us, I think it's the silly walk that does it!)

Mick 'Pogue Mahone' Tully is 'Pudni Wasti' of the Northolt Tullyban Liberation Front, who, I believe, want freedom for Harrow.

Tree surgeon Larry Brash (of N.S.W.) was born in 1948. (In Glasgow, Scotland, which is why he prefers to use Apple Macs.)

The lovely Janet Burholt (Neé Patel) serves every weekend on the Dorchester Costcutter cheese/delicatessen/fish'n'chip counter.

Destitute 'Pocket Pokemon' addict Ernesto Guiraldes openly confessed he once got 40 weeks in a prison cell for "perverted conduct with underage llamas".

Meyran Kraus was dishonourably booted out of the Israeli Army for watching Seinfeld videos all day.

William Tunstall-Pedoe failed his 11-Plus in 1980. Yet he owns fifteen toupee shops in Cambridge.

Tom Myers is a Euston newspaper vendor.

James H Young was once a senile eighty-year-old Radio 2 broadcaster in a previous life.

Ton Ton Macoute leader Adrian Hickford (b. 1901) is 100 yrs old, height 7 feet 10 inches.

Mike Keith could yet recite Pi to 23,256,000 decimal places in his (or indeed, your) sleep.

Zoran Radisavlevic has 3 brothers, (Goran, Koran, Doran), 3 sisters (Horan, Noran, Voran) and his parents are Loran and Soran.

'Spurs Kevin' is so-called as he has this weirdo cowboy stuff fetish, not because of liking shite footie clubs.

'Lardy Girl' is a 5-stone anorexic ghostly-faced teenage Teutonic/eyetie Zen geisha from outer space who lives in a teepee next door to the Pope in The Vatican.

Kevin Hale is a tooled-up psychotic pyromaniac yeti pygmy.

The 70's Mott The Hoople pop legend Len 'Ziggy Stardust' Richards is the new ZZ Top guitarist, on 10,000 zloti per week.

Graham Perkins is Milton Keynes' top sex therapist. He's kept it up since 1976.

Space Shuttle engineer Wayne 'Count' Baisley ('The Doofus') is the No. One U.S. rocket scientist.

Sweet pouting toyboy cutie Walter Newboldt has severe daily sex.

Rick 'Oh, leave me out!' Rothstein is Bishop of Salt Beef City, Utah.

Fetid... I mean feted... teetotal pianist Richard Grantham does NOT like group-referential posts, especially if they involve him. Guess I'll keep him out of this too, eh? (Tee hee!)

 

David Bourke with:
English Is Tough Stuff (Unpredictable Pronunciation)

 

Walter Newboldt with:
English Is Tough Stuff (Unpredictable Pronunciation)

 

Richard Brodie with:
Two versions of a verse of Thomas Babbington's poem Horatius

 

Lardy Girl with:
Names of signatories to the United States of America's Declaration of Independence:

Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton, William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, John Penn, Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward Jr, Thomas Lynch, Jr, Arthur Middleton, John Hancock, Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton, George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jr, Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton, Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross, Caesar Rodney, George Read ,Thomas McKean, William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris, Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark, Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Samuel Adams, John Adams, Robert Treat, Paine Elbridge, Gerry Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery, Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott, Matthew Thornton.

=

Control: newgroup alt.anagrams.jilted

Subject: cmsg newgroup

For your newsgroups file:

alt.anagrams.jilted                Tame discussion arena.

CHARTER:

This place is a haven from
* horrid flame wars, kooks' jabber
* bad words (horrors!)
* religion, sects, jaded cynicism
* harsh admonishment, personal harm or mental harm
* felching homos, wankers, jailbait, farts
* random jesting from jokers, mirth
* either known Finns or Welsh, mere humans
* rhyme
* the letter "n"
* posts in general.

On account of the latter, there will be no moderator.

JUSTIFICATION:

The job of managing the hierarchy still remains a horror.

Well, having .jilted will help with _all_ the horror in here (maybe).

I promise Thomas More's "good place"/"no place"!

According to Deja, we'll normally see nine posts weekly in here, so we can help the million millionth joyless little NG limp along, with little hard work by local expats.

And no objections arose in alt.config.

Jettison the major anagram NG now! Why worry? Schism and major rearrangement (ha, ha) harm no-one.

 


The Anagrammy Awards