Very Rude English Indeed
Every Viz reader, I am sure, would implore us:
"Study a Roger's Profanisaurus!"
Try it! It is, you will swear, a breeze!
Learn various rude terms, such as these:
Fanny batter, and purple helmet,
Trouser mauser, and pussy-pelmet.
Nudger, josser, beaver, and plonker,
Chalfonts, tuppence-licker, weasel, stonker.
A beetle bonnet, totty, bike,
Golden shower, dunny, diesel dyke.
A tardis twat, wide as a welly top,
In tuna town, Norwich, Bologna bop.
Pissflaps, crusties, dip your wick,
Slime (Aphrodite's Evostick).
Taco-tickler, and tonsil hockey,
Chocolate speedway, and nob-jockey.
A slam hound, culo (Khyber Pass),
To fart higher than your arse.
Firkytoodle, a bit of fluff,
Nude reader's wives, a bit of rough.
Nonce, carpet muncher, off your face,
A dead heat in a Zeppelin race.
Mohair knickers, and gonad glue,
Uphill gardener, follow through.
Russet-gusset, and beaver-lever,
Sunnies, fud, and Sigourney Weaver.
Monkey's chin, vulva, Hitler tash,
A slapper, frothing at the gash.
A 'five-to-two-er', a hairy cup,
Loud 'Council gritter', brew one up.
Stilton, muff diver, Hampton Wick,
Crimson crowbar, and rhythm stick.
A crimson wave, vile labia lard,
To warp speed, take Captain Picard.
Marmite-driller, and Bronx cheer,
Three-wheeler, Earthas, a ginger beer.
Baby gravy, and salmon. (On prawn),
Pearl necklace, charver, and Frankie. (Vaughan).
Hide-the-sausage, in (usually) Colwyn Bay,
Trull, tripe hound, get your end away.
A curler, winnie, up the duff,
A pink oboe, putting from the rough.
A pantie hamster, a biffin bridge,
A one-eyed trouser snake, cheese ridge.
In 'Cod Cove' I unload, third leg,
Love handles, frottage, woodies, smeg.
Otter's nose, camel's foot,
Bash the bishop, blue vein cane, toot.
Custard cannon, U.D.I., shit-faced,
Smoo, depth-charge, population paste.
Go down, Lady Chalk of Billingsgate,
Hand solo, feed the ducks, crepitate.
Gary Glitter, quimby, rear-end, stoat,
Wooly, bent as a nine-bob note.
A shaven haven, saddlebags, mott,
Cadbury Alley, aris, sweaty bott.
A tummy truncheon, clam ram, hogan,
A willie-wellie, cotton mouse, grogan.
Unveiled...wide peeler, a geezerbird,
Arsecon ( * ), tea-towel holder, Thora Hird.
Hershey highway, with Aids, and string,
Rising main, and ding-a-ling.
Combustoflatulate, front bottom, minge,
Studio 'burger' view, Edinburgh. (Fringe).
Wu-wu, windward pass, notcher, radge,
Curd, drip tray, cum, nad service, vadge.
A dawn horn, painters in, and quim,
Nut, almond, nooner, Fussells, shim.
Taylforth, draw an ace, yard, hoy,
Sir Anthony and a ladyboy.
Rhino horn, chunder, a kosher dill,
Roundabout (as in Billy Mill).
Hootchie cootchie, a screamer, pooter,
Helmetdale cheese, a nether eye, hooter.
Pudenda, cunnifungus, hit and miss,
A horse's collar, squits, and Swiss.
Honey altar, D'Oyle, mudeye, mooey,
I'd slip you a length, yodel, call Huey.
Curtains, walnut, minnie moo,
Hound, "I say!", auntie, seeing-to.
Duel Darth Vader, Daddy's sauce, bottle,
Grannies' oysters, mouse ear, throttle.
Anus, unit, lever-arch files,
Bourneville Boulevard, Michael Miles,
Bill Grundies, Chooza, D.I.Y.,
Meat and two veg, chocolate eye.
A flesh wallet, dildo, condom, snatch,
Scooter, mezooma, a service hatch.
Wand, wad, hard-on, cliterature,
Swive, back-door conquistador.
Are Arsenal at home? - I'd twang your wire,
Little cones - Miss Lincolnshire.
Set a video, nauticals, lily dew,
A 'No. One' and a 'No. Two'.
Crouton, clown hat, arsewipe, wank,
Wings, wide-on, cunny, merchant bank.
Vinegar stroke, donor, tongue, give head,
A vertical sarnie, five-finger spread.
Seedless, Eccles snake, in a sore drum,
A weenie wiener, whidgey, come.
Sewer skewer, velcro arse, twunt,
And reamed-out. Wait! One last one: Cunt.
English Vocab is Fun
Here's a list of English words:
Parkway, buzzard, backwards, birds,
Plucky, placard, heyday, wry,
Gladly, duckling, kayak, pie,
Granny, cranky, crackpot, go,
Cuddly, carpal, gravy, snow,
Bulldog, gully, grapple, woo,
Guppy, walkway, payroll, glue.
Coldly, puppy, garland, sock,
Mortal, carload, glancing, mock,
Wager, courage, cauldron, coy,
Credence, thyroid, tenure, boy,
Eyelid, dollar, jaundice, curry,
Grindstone, vicar, vocal, hurry,
Vineyard, cougar, cancer, cull,
Council, caucus, browser, lull.
Cynic, vapour, vulgar, conquer,
Traction, docile, viscous, honker,
Issue, dances, mouldy, clever,
Guinea, diesel, carmine, never,
Option, voltage, seaside, vein,
Prairie, minute, mandate, pain,
Cookie, layout, seaweed, sun,
Loiter, native, teaspoon, gun.
Weevil, safety, earshot, yawn,
Ragtime, eager, turbine, fawn,
Raisin, deathbed, whisper, nurse,
Income, fortune, molten, purse,
Climate, swaying, candle, wood,
Heifer, protest, noodle, good,
Aura, cheetah, voodoo, duck,
Rainbow, stifle, haven, puck.
Diet, honey, pastor, sold,
Jungle, brutal, software, gold,
Anode, doghouse, lantern, grinning,
Meadow, faucet, lavish, winning,
Equine, ponies, heron, reed,
Skater, neutron, furnace, steed,
Genus, dovetail, wisdom, rain,
Rifle, despot, hunter, brain.
Author, switchboard, hither, love,
Nimble, finished, looter, shove,
Titled, husky, skydive, house,
Hornet, manhole, tango, mouse,
Asphalt, birdie, pathos, field,
Mutant, duchy, onion, yield,
Mishap, ethane, solid, roar,
Tower, factor, tersely, poor.
Lichen, handsome, feisty, wave,
Apron, bookie, table, shave,
Humour, handset, visage, sound,
Fondly, kitten, poachers, round,
Antler, diode, image, score,
Others, fishing, brainwashed, bore,
Station, acorn, filthy, doom,
Hastened, warship, veto, boom.
Chaplain, mincemeat, redcoat, airway,
Wafers, waters, donkey, fairway,
Futile, sainthood, zither, sorrow,
Screenplay, petals, toughen, borrow,
Models, touchstone, foible, wielding,
Elbow, thousand, panther, fielding,
Yachting, tinder, alcove, speedy,
Knitwear, triads, oatmeal, needy.
Raven, wheelchair, modest, muscle,
Awesome, ethnic, foray, hustle,
Uncle, eagles, heathen, wand,
Stationed, virus, ailment, bond,
Weather, piston, feudal, spring,
Ostrich, magnets, forehead, ring,
Inquest, windy, wristwatch, scale,
Caption, marble, seething, pale.
Vodka, sweethearts, boyhood, dreaded,
Deathly, hormone, hoses, headed,
Wrangle, hotbed, minor, cruiser,
Streamlined, turnip, curfew, bruiser,
Suitcase, wealthy, hearing, riled,
Leeway, checkpoint, method, wild,
Aural, tailor, peanut, larva,
Roasted, waiter, eerie, carver.
Raucous, ocean, kidney, pound,
Yearly, sauna, master, wound,
Ballad, feasted, coinage, burn,
Reason, barnyard, metals, turn,
Auntie, cheated, stairway, narrow,
Stumble, jealous, manna, barrow,
Heinous, sweater, biased, drone,
Despot, chaser, deacon, clone.
Sweaty, pirate, loading, dense,
Treason, mountain, baseline, tense,
Dreary, chaos, fountain, yet,
Outer, mentioned, pheasant, set,
Causeway, atoms, hoary, dame,
Leather, anxious, savage, maim,
Spendthrift, southern, vandal, swum,
Searchlight, switchblade, shifting, dumb.
Bloodstream, paintbrush, weary, young,
Breakthrough, bloodstained, final, hung,
Gecko, gravestone, grapefruit, squeeze,
Fancies, jilted, whitewashed, ease,
Dangle, cities, slaughtered, born,
Screenplay, daylight, movement, mourn,
Functioned, treatments, absent, trick,
Millionth, windshield, dovetailed, sick.
Mainframe, forethought, sundae, thrill,
Thoughtful, lifeboat, phantom, pill,
Handout, weasel, shiver, marred,
Microbe, milestones, sanction, hard,
Ushered, twinkle, fearsome, nerve,
Typhoid, gaiter, earthworms, curve,
Grubby, puzzle, aardvark, bun -
Learning vocab sure is fun!
The Friendly Letter E
Everything here uses E:
Bridesmaids, grapefruits, underpay,
Scrounged, incredibly, maintained,
Overland, forestall, untrained,
Megawatt, mismatched, flamboyance,
Switchblade, washable, annoyance,
Clergy, factored, unprovoked,
Winery, chauffeured, controlled,
Bottomed, bloodstained, undersold,
Earmark, brainwashed, durable,
Language, vineyards, connoisseurs,
Straightened, chieftain, saboteurs,
Bloodstream, fiendish, gondolier,
Endpoints, breakthrough, souvenir,
Daydream, viewpoints, overfond,
Prayerful, fivefold, correspond,
Ownership, worthwhile, absolved,
Snowmobile, outflanked, involved,
Thieving, doctrine, understand,
Schoolhouse, hatchet, secondhand,
Surfaces, adhering, quipped,
Hideously, trowel, outstripped,
Friendships, mainline, disappear,
Loathsome, hailstones, cavalier,
Earthward, farmhouse, overblow,
Driveway, windowpane, tableaux,
Cautiousness, outrageous, drummer,
Absolute, unwieldy, summer,
Blackmailed, hotbed, unconsenting,
Anchorage, unshaken, dapple,
Getaway, imbalance, grapple,
Footwear, makeshift, unapproved,
Ambulate, nonplussed, unmoved,
Tourmaline, clairvoyance, braided,
Hayfields, masculine, dissuaded,
Outstretched, hypocrite, confounded,
Mayonnaise, harangued, propounded,
Dungeon, mainframe, millionaires,
Searchlights, faintest, sauerkraut,
Commonwealth, contained, devout,
Housewives, mangrove, interact,
Laminate, phalange, unpacked,
Earthling, breathing, telegram,
Piggybacked, dishonest, bounced,
Statecraft, chlorine, mispronounced,
Bourgeois, waywardness, awaken,
Analogue, transformed, forsaken,
Courthouse, vanished, circumscribe,
Knitwear, patient, diatribe,
Cantaloupe, transgress, translates,
Horseplay, workable, curvaceous,
Early, guidebooks, ostentatious,
Playmates, dynasties, embroil,
Pheasant, royalties, quartet,
Earthworm, wealthy, clarinet,
Thenceforth, honest, sousaphones,
Shoehorn, wonderful, condones,
Thinnest, awkwardness, outclassed,
Worthier, hauled, unsurpassed,
Eighty, whitewood, doctrinaire,
Lengthways, vanquished, disrepair,
Fatherhood, constrained, adieu,
Thoroughfare, champagne, withdrew,
Heavyweight, demolish, knacker,
Schoolmates, overdraw, attacker,
Weaponry, relation, guzzler,
Asteroid, foreshadow, puzzler,
Home, washed, truncheon, cabaret,
Northern, forethought, ascertain,
Hideaway, tattooed, recording,
Blithely, wheelchairs, undisguised,
Lightweight, plaintive, crystallised,
Earth, unwisely, flaunted, buckle,
Dominoes, appointments, knuckle,
Dreadnought, frontage, underway,
Earnings, haywire, overpay,
Spendthrift, winnowed, quarterback,
Penny, waistline, crackerjack,
Aardwolves, guidelines, hitherto,
Thoughtless, throttle, misconstrue,
Chimney, ointment, unobtrusive,
Horseman, flatware, inconclusive,
Breakaway, denying, frondage,
Cashew, checkpoints, sacrifice -
Es are really very nice!
David Bourke [in response to Richard Grantham's version] -
SO, EVERYBODY WHO'D DROP 'E' - OWN UP!
No doubt, of course... each use 'E'...
Britt Ekland, Freddie Mercury,
Charlotte Church, Sean Bean,
Kate Bush, Prince Philip (plus The Queen!).
Margaret Thatcher, Elaine Stritch,
Ginger Rogers, Fred Astaire,
Marcel Proust, Burke and Hare.
Adolf Hitler, Eva Braun,
Audrey Tautou, Goldie Hawn,
Linford Christie, Paul McKenna,
Nelson Piquet, Ayrton Senna.
Hugh Laurie, Stephen Fry,
Dodi Fayed, Princess Di,
Paul "Diana's Rock" Burrell,
Winona Ryder, Sacha Distel.
Giuseppe Verdi, Patrick Moore,
Rod Stewart, Evelyn Waugh.
Bill Oddie, Graeme Garden,
Tim Brooke-Taylor, Osama bin Laden.
Michael Schumacher, Bill Gates,
Michael Hutchence, Paula Yates.
Claude Monet, Jacques Cousteau,
Luca di Montezemolo.
Horatio Nelson, Winnie The Pooh,
Whitney Houston, Barry Blue,
Geno Washington, Roseanne Barr,
Audrey Hepburn, Methuselah.
Wayne Hussey, Tiger Woods, Claire Goose,
Whoopi Goldberg, Doctor Seuss,
Ronnie, Reggie, Charlie Kray,
Otis Redding, Marvin Gaye.
Paul Whitehouse, Mrs. Beeton,
Paul Merton, Angus Deayton,
Neil Finn, Nick Seymour, Paul Hester,
August Darnell, Gianluca Festa.
Martin Chivers, David Mellor,
Faye Dunaway, Nelson Mandela,
Claudia Schiffer, Cleo Laine,
Screaming Lord Sutch, Taylor Dayne.
Shmuley Boteach, Uri Geller,
Walt Disney, Nelson Rockefeller,
Francesco Totti, Rachel Weiss,
Suasn Hapmshier, Vincent Price.
Sam Peckinpah, Paul Getty,
Woody Woodpecker, Victor Spinetti,
Steve Staunton, StephaniePowers,
Frankie Dettori, Herbie Flowers.
Nuno Bettencourt, George Dole,
Austin Powers, Helmut Kohl,
Rudolf Hess, Gerard Houllier.
George 'Dubya' Bush, Condoleezza Rice,
David Beckham, Posh Spice,
Tamzin Outhwaite, Chris Waddle,
Coco The Clown, Glenn Hoddle.
Kunta Kinte, Alex Haley,
Marilyn Monroe, David Bailey,
Natalie Wood, Julian Cope,
Yasser Arafat, Mao Tse-Tung, The Pope.
Lorena Bobbitt, Avril Lavigne,
Ruud van Nistelrooy, Roy Keane,
Siobhan Fahey, Howard Stern, Reg Dwight,
Stanley Unwin, Ms Dynamite.
Desmond Tutu, Desmond Dekker,
Tim Henman, Boris Becker,
Andre Agassi, Steffi Graf,
Woody Woodgate, Pauline Calfe.
Alan Partridge, Steve Coogan,
Ludovico Einaudi, Derek Dougan,
Andrew Flintoff, Richard Gere,
Louise Woodward, Amanda Lear.
Ludwig van Beethoven, Paul 'Red' Adair,
Gustav Mahler, Clive Sinclair,
Edward Woodward, Al Capone,
Rudolf Nureyev, Sharon Stone.
Quentin Crisp, Francis Howerd,
Oscar Wilde, Sir Noel Coward,
Sevvy Ballesteros, Sophie Dahl,
Hugh Dennis, Steve Punt,
David Livingstone, Gareth Hunt,
Stuart Sutcliffe, George Best,
Ray Sawyer, Damien Duff, Chris Guest.
Ed "Stewpot" Stewart, Edwina Currie,
Kieron Dyer, Neil Murray,
Howard Devoto, Geoff Hoon,
Laurens van der Post, Keith Moon.
Father Christmas, Peter Pan,
Widow Twankey, Bob Zimmerman,
Richie Sambora, Shaun Ryder,
Ursula Andress, Jorg Haider.
Sean Combs, Eva Cassidy,
Agatha Christie, Christine McVie,
Lisa Stansfield, Chevy Chase,
Gareth Hale, Norman Pace.
The Earl of Sandwich, Denis Law,
Peter Cook, Dudley Moore,
Ava Gardner, Saddam Hussein,
Clint Eastwood, Michael Caine.
Stanley Matthews, Al Gore,
W.C. Fields, Charlie Dore,
Burt Reynolds, Virginia Wade,
Sven-Goran Eriksson, Lew Grade.
Vincent van Gogh, Len Hutton,
Betty Boothroyd, Jenson Button,
Paul McCartney, Gerry Fitt,
Tony Slattery, Bradley Pitt.
Woody Woodmansey, Dennis Hopper,
Anastacia Newkirk, 'Big Bopper',
Townes van Zandt, Matthew Kelly,
Angie Dickinson, Mary Shelley.
Courtney Love, Coco Chanel,
David A. Stewart, Luis Bunuel...
Now, a drug casualty (tut tut!), stupid doofus too,
Who was way out of it? 'Twas me, but not you!