Anagrammy Placegetters for October 2002
All the highly-placed anagrams from the October 2002 Anagrammy Awards.
[ Previous month ] [ Back to index ] [ Next month ]THE GENERAL CATEGORY
1st - Zoran Radisavlevic with:
Too many broken hearts =
Thanks to nearby Romeo.
2nd - Adrian Hickford with:
Alive =
La vie.
3rd - Mattias Inghe with:
Liposuction surgery =
Losing your piecrust.
THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY
1st - Dean Mayer with:
Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day? =
You're the same - hot, calm, airless, damp.
2nd - Paul Pan with:
Communist Manifesto =
Not immune to fascism!
3rd - Jaybur with:
The British children's author Beatrix Potter =
In truth, her hit traced rabbit hero's exploits.
THE TOPICAL CATEGORY
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Osama bin Laden =
As named on Bali.
2nd - Mattias Inghe with:
Israel's raid on Khan Younis =
I say 'So unkind, Ariel Sharon!'
eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Washington Sniper =
Strength in his weapon.
eq.3rd - Dean Mayer with:
Islamic fundamentalist =
Satanic, inflated Muslim.
THE RUDE CATEGORY
1st - Richard Grantham with:
The menage a trois =
A giant threesome!
2nd - Joe Fathallah with:
How to achieve straight A's =
Shit, I vow to shag a teacher!
3rd - Zoran Radisavlevic with:
More than a feeling =
Organ in the female!
THE SPAM CATEGORY
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
INCREASE THAT CERTAIN PART OF THE MALE BODY BY 27% WITH A SIMPLE PILL. - GUARANTEED - FDA APPROVED - The same type of research that created miracle drugs like Viagra, has now created a revolutionary herbal pill that can increase that certain part of the male body by 27% in a few short weeks by simple taking two capsules of Extenze a day, no prescription required.
Over a million and half capsules are being taken every month by men all over the world. This number increases every day as more and more men discover this revolutionary product. Simply try these Amazing pills for 30-days and if after 30-days you do not experience a minimum of 27% gain, simply send the empty bottle back to us and we'll refund you 100% of the cost including shipping. With this guarantee, our product must work for you... or we'll lose money on every sale! This amazing new product works by simply taking 2 pills every day.
OUR UNCONDITIONAL GUARANTEE:
Simply try it for 30-days and if after 30-days you do not experience a minimum of 27% gain, simply send the empty bottle back to us and we'll refund you 100% of the cost including shipping. With our guarantee, our product must work for you... or we'll lose money on every sale!
=
Top sixteen ways that might make your teensy-weensy prick look larger:
16. Sneak a full, wide-rimmed water bottle into a men's-room stall. Close the door. Wait for a 'crowd' to pass by and empty it loudly down the toilet. Unzip and step out, proudly.
15. Embed bits of magnifying glass in strategic places on your shower-door. Yell to your friend you need a towel.
14. Find a small plunger and apply to your loins. Pump them for several minutes a day.
13. Spread rumors by whining to your buddy about itchy, binding underwear.
12. Say a prayer for a huge weiner. If praying won't do, demand reparation from the reverend.
11. The ol' 'Cucumber in the Hidden Pocket' never fails.
10. ...And for a limper version, try a pickle.
9. Take a vacuum cleaner. Squirm that tiny prick into the hose. Plug in cleaner.
8. Shave off your pubes. Duh.
7. Go find a decent mohel. Ask for the Extra Value Circumcision.
6. Show an interest in floppy, virile implants.
5. Pay a visit to a gypsy. Buy magic XL contraceptives.
4. Start a diet, but only in your pelvic area. If the background seems undersized, then by comparison...
3. Decrease the size of your testicles.
2. Slay every male anagrammer on the face of the earth.
1. Only date women with really small palms.
2nd - Larry Brash with:
Ok this is really new to me. I'm just looking for a good time out on the town with someone that is enjoyable; I'm not looking to fall in love but who knows. I'm a creative romantic that likes a little attention every once in a wile. I would say that I was plane looks wise, I like to try new things but in not one of those girls that does everything once, if you're looking to score don't look at me. I have an adventurous heart but sometimes I need a little help bringing it out. I am truthful and dependable. I like Hiking, Horseback riding, roller blading, scuba diving, hanging out, camping, art, romantic comedies, travel and more.
contact me here http://www.designerlove.com/?rid=love11
=
Hi, my name is Viv and I think I might locate a potential tenth husband in alt.anagrams. I've lurked here and I love you people a lot. It's worth it. You're a bunch of smart fellows with letters.
OK, right, as you can tell, I'm a bit of a loser (a nitwit, too). I'm ugly as warty growths on an arsehole, I can't spell too nice neither. I've got no tits, got no friends, in debt. I drink gin and get violent, too. I've never been with a man (OK, just Maurice Goodard, but just once. I got it wrong, OK?). The mental hospital in Molde will be discharging me, when I've got someone nice, like Rick Rothstein, to look after me.
I need a strong gentleman, like David Bourke, who is nice to women. Mick Tully would be cool, too.
3rd - Adrian Hickford with:
URGENT NEWSFLASH
The government has installed BLACK BOXES into ISPs to watch your Internet surfing.
When you are targeted, the first you will know is the KNOCK AT YOUR DOOR and the JAIL SENTENCE.
If you think you have cleaned your computer - you are WRONG.
They can recover from your PC every single picture or item you have ever watched on the Internet.
You need protection. You need an Evidence Eliminator.
Click Here.
http://www.geocities.com/testee234/
=
Oi! Your mission, should you choose to accept it: to undertake my revenge!
We want you to take a wily peek into the unfortunately ugly, wicked, naive, weedy juvenile pervert's network-connected machine, execute the recovery of any genuinely revolting pornographic entertainment currently there, re-interrogate its cache for noteworthy "Hawaiian Eunuch-Boy" photos, then wreck the hard-drive.
This message will self-destruct in four seconds.
4... 3... 2... BOOM!
THE LONG CATEGORY
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
(An excerpt from a speech made by Bush on October the 7th:)
By its past and present actions, by its technological capabilities, by the merciless nature of its regime, Iraq is unique. As a former chief weapons inspector of the U.N. has said, "The fundamental problem with Iraq remains the nature of the regime, itself. Saddam Hussein is a homicidal dictator who is addicted to weapons of mass destruction." Some ask how urgent this danger is to America and the world. The danger is already significant, and it only grows worse with time. If we know Saddam Hussein has dangerous weapons today -- and we do -- does it make any sense for the world to wait to confront him as he grows even stronger and develops even more dangerous weapons? In 1995, after several years of deceit by the Iraqi regime, the head of Iraq's military industries defected. It was then that the regime was forced to admit that it had produced more than 30,000 liters of anthrax and other deadly biological agents. The inspectors, however, concluded that Iraq had likely produced two to four times that amount. This is a massive stockpile of biological weapons that has never been accounted for, and capable of killing millions.
=
(A few 'To Do' lists from the president's diary:)
Sat, Nov. 30
**Interview to Fox News**
Ramble on the sheer threat of Saddam's tyranny. Answer a hard query about the war with an unrelated anecdote. Misquote random writers.
Sun, Dec. 1
* Reveal to the nation 'The New, Bitchin' War on Terror'.
* Nickname Dick Cheney 'homey'.
Mon, Dec. 2
* Model a swift air raid on Iraq. Give Rumsfeld a wedgie.
* Trade lunches with Cheney. If caught, promise mom it was his idea.
Thu, Dec. 5
* Ask the wife to wear pigtail braids. If Laura agrees, convince Colin to do the same.
* Fight Senate to terminate sales tax on rodeo boots.
Fri, Dec. 6
**Daughters' birthday!** Get up late at night and assist them in finding the way to the bathroom. Flush once the heaving's done.
Mon, Dec. 9
**A visit of the enormous Israeli dude!** Make the place Wideass-Friendly.
* Pull wife's pigtails.
Wed, Dec. 11
* Pull Colin's pigtails.
Fri, Dec. 13
**Yee-ha! Iraqi Action Time!!!**
Gather strategists and assess possible tactics. Ask dad what's the Iraqi word for 'camel poop'.
Sat, Dec. 14
* Pull army out of Iraq. Make a speech to the nation on these foes' asinine cases of aggression and hostility, and the horrible perils of mass-destruction weapons.
* Drop an atomic bomb on Baghdad.
Mon, Dec. 16
* Shop for rodeo boots.
2nd - David A. Green with:
Geri Halliwell's autobiography 'Geri: Just for the Record' =
O, the horror! Feature a really old Spice Girl with big jugs.
3rd - Zoran Radisavlevic with:
In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King, the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. This placard had a F U C K (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it. Now you know where that came from.
=
Today, when you want to have sex in United Kingdom/England you don't need any permission of Tony Blair.
When you want to have that with hot teen from wingding, ask that chicken: "Ah, shell we dance, heavenly angel?" Then, show the courage and offer sex near the night! (unless you are not Tory pervert like Robin Cook; in that case change plans, you might hear: "No chance, F U C K O F F!")
THE PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY
1st - Adrian Hickford with:
The Archbishop of Canterbury =
Another church's type of Rabbi.
2nd - Richard Grantham with:
President George 'Dubya' Bush =
Daughters binge or buy speed.
3rd - Jaybur with:
The inventor Charles Goodyear =
Honor a gent's road vehicle tyre.
THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Dianetics/Scientology =
Sect citing loony ideas.
2nd - David A. Green with:
The Cyberscrub Professional Edition =
Buy it, for it erases obscene child porn.
3rd - Jaybur with: [Automatic tea-making device]
The Teasmade =
Steam heated.
THE SPECIAL CATEGORY
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A poem by children's author Shel Silverstein, anagrammed into a line-by-line ambigram.
2nd - Richard Brodie with:
A poem by Edgar Allan Poe, anagrammed into a paraphrase of a diametrically opposed poem by Hilda Doolittle (aka "H.D.").
3rd - Adrian Hickford with:
The Long Category has been problematic for some time now, combining as it often does a number of shorter entries unsuccessfully competing against a few longer ones by the usual suspects. :) As such, I'd like to know what people think about possibly lowering the upper limit of Long from 1000 letters to something more modest, and shunting the longer ones directly into Special.
100 letters (with the option of going a bit over if necessary) should be a good boundary IMO. However, many of the current "short long" crop hover in the 40-60 letter region and might still be disadvantaged by any 80+ 'grams that appear. Hopefully this would be only a minor problem.
Another possibility that comes to mind is to alternate between upper limits, i.e. 100 one month and 1000 the next, with longer 'grams produced in a "short" month held over until the next competition (and vice versa). This would alleviate pressure on a fast-overcrowding Special category, but would create problems for the Grand Anagrammy.
The simplest solution would be to create an entire new category, "Medium" perhaps, but this is something we'd aim to avoid.
One last option also addresses the equivalent problem in Special, that short poems tend to be overwhelmed by the longer variety. Alternation would take place as described above but would involve short prose (limit 100) and short rhymes (limit c.150 in order to allow limericks, rubáiyát, good-sized nursery rhymes etc.). Most major genres of anagram would then be catered for without having to add more categories or cause major disruption to Grand Anagrammy voting.
[We could of course allow short prose and short poems to square off every month, but the former would most likely continue to be thrashed.]
Ideally whichever scheme is chosen should come into effect immediately, but if people prefer we can hold it off until either November or the new year.
What does everyone think?
=
Richard (and other intellectual folk who subscribe to this VoyForum)
Re: The problems with, and improvements to, our 'Long' category.
I don't particularly think I should be suggesting an even-handed solution to the problem as it stands, or attempt to come up with some sort of compromise to the schism. Faint hope :) However, I suppose I'm simply in agreement with David A. Green: "ultimately whatever is decided will be fine by me"
As a pointless example of the disparity currently evident, let me quote the two shortest ever 'long' winners (while noting that the longest ever winner contains over one thousand three hundred letters, developed by David Bourke):
Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? =
So, can he pee on ice and both of gonads not turn blue?
(Richard Brodie)
New Jersey Division of Alcoholic Beverage Control =
So enjoy a cool beer while Driving. Not clever? Fiasco!
(Tom Myers)
The babbling, bumbling, half-baked monologue reply you're currently reading, should some witless fool decide to nominate it forthwith, would immediately go into the 'Special' category (since it contains 1506 letters), but there isn't too much that's special about it. No troublesome pentameter-verse rhyming scheme to adhere to; no grotesque homeomorphic restriction to prosaic octosyllabic words; no amazingly witty, frivolous post about naked sex with a variety of filthy farmyard animals; and only the merest hint of puerile humour.
Pre-supposing that there will be unopposed metamorphosis of this category, when should this new rule become valid? We should postpone it until after the New Year, so that the Grand Anagrammies are unaffected.
Moreover, why not introduce a few new awards?
Parallelograms
Thermograms
Portmanteau-grams
Telegrams
Mammograms
Spectrograms
Holograms
Adrian - Gobbledegook spokesperson (brilliant use of twenty-odd leftover letters!)
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