Anagrammy Placegetters for August 2006

All the highly-placed anagrams from the August 2006 Anagrammy Awards.

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THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Martin Luther King's famous "I Have A Dream" =
A valued human-rights manifesto, I remark!

2nd - Richard Grantham with:
Enid Blyton's "Famous Five" =
Offensive, but I sold many.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Kylie Minogue's set to continue her 'Showgirl' tour =
"I'm OK!" Stoic, gutsy heroine is well enough to return!

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
The motion picture epic 'Ben Hur', starring Charlton Heston =
Noble, upright screen-hero triumphant in chariot contest!

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
'Five Steps To Spiritual Growth: A Journey', written by Peter M. Kalellis=
1. Buy paper;
2. Fill with junk;
3. Sell raves to twits;
4. Get money;
5. Retire to Paris.

3rd - David Bourke with:
The American President, George Bush, and the British PM, Tony Blair. =
Greedy, bible-thumping prominent Christians here: "Death to Arabs!"

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
A man and his wife went to a hospital to have their baby delivered.

As they entered, the doctor said there was a new machine that could transfer by kinetic energy a portion of the mother's labour pains to the father, and asked if they were willing to try it out. They were very much in favour.

The doctor initially set the pain-transfer exchange meter to ten percent, saying that was possibly more pain than any father would normally experience.

As the labour proceeded, the husband remained fine, and he asked the doctor to go ahead and knock it up some more notches, so the doctor cranked the machine up to a twenty percent pain transfer.

The husband still felt fine, so the doctor took the man's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

"Mamma mia! Remarkable!" he said, and at this point they decided to go for a massive fifty percent. And yet still the husband continued to feel quite well. So, as the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the man encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.

As a result, she delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain at all. She and her husband were elated.

When they returned home they found the milkman lying dead on the doorstep.

=

An innocent young chap moved into his new apartment, and went to the lobby to attach his plastic nameplate to the mailbox.

While he was there, an attractive blonde appeared from the next apartment, wearing a thin chiffon robe.

The lad nodded politely to her and she started up a conversation. As they chatted, her robe slipped open, and it was very evident that she had nothing on underneath.

He broke into a sweat and, terrified, tried to maintain eye contact with her.

After a while, she placed her hand on his wrist and said, "Let's go to my place, I can hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment. She closed the door behind her and then leaned against it, letting her robe fall off. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you pick as my best feature?"

Flustered and confused, he finally squeaked, "Well, effectively, it's got to be your ears."

Amazed, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these perfect, full breasts; they're a hundred percent natural. I work out lots every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin ... perfect! I have no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stuttered ... "Earlier, when you said you heard someone coming ... that was me."

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
GIBSON'S APOLOGY EMBRACED BY JEWISH GROUPS

Mel Gibson has been invited to meet with three prominent American Jewish groups, after his apology for making anti-Semitic remarks when he was arrested for drunk driving last week.

Gibson is alleged to have voiced his apparent hatred of Jews as he was being questioned by California police officer James Mee after he was caught speeding through Malibu, California, while drunk.

He has apologised publicly, asking the Jewish community to assist his "journey through recovery". The 1939 Club, New York's Museum of Jewish Heritage and a Beverly Hills rabbi have all reached out to Gibson to meet with them.

1939 Club president William Elperin says. "Our members are offering that help, by assisting Mr Gibson in understanding the extremes of anti-Semitism and what they and their families - many of whom were slaughtered by the Nazis - endured."

=

MEL GIBSON JUGGLES SEVERAL FILM PROJECTS

Mel won't abide his being stamped a bible-thumping weirdo. "Because of his sparring with the law and the Jewish community, he wishes to remain a big name in show business", his agent said, "which is why he's juggling many new film projects."
Here are some of them:

"Eva and I": The rather sad WWII tale of a weary couple shut in a Berlin bomb shelter.

"Diaries of the Clerks of Zino": Investigator James Huxley (played by Gibson) uncovers a hidden plot for world domination.

"The Merchant Massacre": A modern thriller, based on the play by William Shakespeare, about a grotesque murderer in present-day Venice.

"The Kyle Kane Knights": A guard group of vigilantes formed by Kyle Kane (Gibson) becomes a huge army fighting for pure-white freedom.

"Irving": The life of the respected British historian and his most courageous war with the Austrian justice system.

3rd - David Bourke with:
A woman went into the doctor's surgery in order to hear the results back of all her health tests.

"Why, do take a seat, please" said the doctor, opening up her medical file, and reading it.

"Ah yes, Mrs Smith.. the doctor continued, "...I think that you've got acute angina."

~

"Thank you! How sweet!" declared Mrs Smith, emotional. "That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me!", getting au naturel.

Looking up horrified at her in no attire, her arse and pussy, the old doctor, bug-eyed, his face contorted, collapsed with a heart attack!

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
MANDALAY

Eq2nd - Andrew Brehaut with:
The Undisputed Top Eleven Reasons Not to Fire Donald Rumsfeld.

11. The ongoing and eccentric fear of absolute retribution.

10. His epic written memoirs say he was the only collaborator of the captain's orders.

9. He knows where the all bodies are rumoured to have been buried and what specific parts have been removed to keep Dick Cheney alive.

8. That the administration's investigation of Abu Ghraib only justified fault with the "Office of The Secretary of Defense," so it's really got to be the damn building's fault.

7. Donald Rumsfeld is one of the few people with a portfolio in the entire administration with actual military service (albeit non-combat) and he is needed for credibility.

6. As George Dubya always says: You can't blame the good guy in the big leather seat for the bad behaviour of his bloody subordinates.

5. He's the best hitter on the George's Dubya's administrations' softball team.

4. He only approved the uses of erotic torture that he wants applied to his very own body and mind.

3. The staff need to keep Donald Rumsfeld around to take the hard rap for some really bad stuff that is to be revealed.

2. Hasn't he suffered enough already?

1. If anyone in the administration loses his job, those damn Jihadi Muslim terrorists would have won the war.

=

The Undisputed Top Eleven Other Pathetic Things Dubya Bush Did While Hosting a Special Screening of the Film "United Ninety-Three."

11. Tried hard to fully remember what he was doing when they heard the very abominable news of all the plane hijacks.

10. Telephoned everyone to foolproof the administration's fictitious and old official story.

9. Boosted up his deteriotarive poll numbers through promotional bribery.

8. Stayed out of the esteemed and old Mr Cheney's way.

7. Thought about if JuJu Fruits are essentially made by anti-semitic voodoo businesses.

6. Waited for the agreeable movie star Harrison Ford to save the day.

5. Persevered with trying out different moves onto an undefended and tense rookie, Condi Rice.

4. Intermittently blubbered a babyish and obsolete warning like "O! Look out!" at the screen.

3. Resolved irrefutably that his flight-suit is less pleasurable after a couple of hours in a theatre than it was after a few minutes flight across San Diego Harbor.

2. Wondered what the hell had happened to that damn ambassador Osama Bin Laden.

1. Edited storyboard in his notebook for a beaut movie idea called, "Stay Out of Harm's Way." that defended his specific Nine-Eleven flights from Sarasota to Offutt Air Force Base to Washington, D.C.

Eq2nd - David A. Green with:
The place was dark and dusty and half-lost

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Anagrammy Placegetters for August 2006

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

THE LONG CATEGORY

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

THE RUDE CATEGORY