Anagrammy Placegetters for November 2006

All the highly-placed anagrams from the November 2006 Anagrammy Awards.

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THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Andrew Brehaut with:
Pirates of the Caribbean Two: Dead Man's Chest =
Sparrow's team does find cabinet at the beach.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The nostalgic 'As Time Goes By' =
Ah, Bogey elects Sam to sing it!

3rd - View with:
Beatles' Yellow Submarine =
We'll be in a stormy blue sea!

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - David Bourke with:
The KGB's former agent Alexander Litvinenko =
Kremlin revenge: Toxin breakfast, long death.

2nd - Andrew Brehaut with:
The US Congress now belongs to the Democrats =
So, Bush's wretched gang lost one more contest!

3rd - Rosie Perera with:
Saddam Hussein sentenced to death by hanging =
Oddest thing! Such a nasty man needs beheading!

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Rosie Perera with:
United States President George W. Bush =
Unwise, desperate. Bet he's trusting God!

2nd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Alfred Binet =
Left-brained.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Evander 'The Real Deal' Holyfield and Mike Tyson =
A lethal-handed evil-one kind of restyled my ear!

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan =
An abnormal foreign kook realizing the brutal, racist nature of some fanatic USA folk.

2nd - Rosie Perera with:
"As you know, you go to war with the army you have, not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time." - Donald Rumsfeld =
To withdraw? Why? You mount a war with the most mad, arrogant, faulty leaders you have, not ones you may or might like to have.

3rd - Andrew Brehaut with:
One hundred icebergs are floating towards the mainland of New Zealand ~
and behold, we great Maoris found a new large frozen land in the distance.

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Larry Brash with:
George W. Bush meets with Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II of England.

He asks her,
"Your Majesty, how is it that you run such a very efficient slick government? Are there any clues to this that you can offer me?"

"Well," says the Queen,
"Above all, the most important thing is to do this: surround yourself with very intelligent efficient people."

Bush looks concerned.
"So, how could I know the people around me are so clever and intelligent?"

The Queen takes a little sip from her cup of tea.
"Oh, this is very simple. Let me explain it. You simply ask them to answer an intelligence test. Do listen to this".

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom.
"Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony.
Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "Of course, that would be me."

"Yes! Very good, well done." says the Queen.

=

At the White House, Bush talks with Vice President Cheney.
"Answer this one for me, deputy. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother, not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not quite sure, Mr President," says the Vice President. "Just let me make some enquiries for you about that one."

Cheney goes to his many polite youthful underlings to enquire of all twenty of them, but none are able to give him an intelligent answer.

Finally, a week later, he goes in a men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Cheney yells out, "Would you please answer something for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell yells back , "That's funny! Quite simple: It's me!"

Cheney replies."Gee, great work, pal!"

In the Oval Office he talks with Bush.
"Okay, I've done you some research and here's the eloquent answer to the question. It's my judgement that it is Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over, and yells into his face,

"No! It's Tony Blair!"

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A young man called Chuck invited his mother over for dinner.

During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome Chuck's flatmate, Simon, was. She'd long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, whilst watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there really was more between Chuck and his flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his mother's thoughts, Chuck volunteered, "Yes, I know what you're thinking, but I assure you, Simon and I are just flatmates."

About a week later, Simon said to Chuck, "Ever since your mother came, I haven't been able to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?"

"I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure," said Chuck. So he mailed:

DEAR MOTHER, I AM NOT SAYING YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I AM NOT SAYING YOU "DIDN'T", YET THE FACT REMAINS, IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER. LOVE CHUCK.

Some days later, an email came from his mother, which said:
DEAR SON, I AM NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I AM NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT", YET THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE'D HAVE FOUND THAT FRYING PAN BY NOW. LOVE MUM.

Lesson of the day:
DON'T LIE TO YOUR MOTHER (SHE'LL ALWAYS FIND OUT)

=

With only Clingfilm shorts on, the man went to his shrink, who said, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't see any.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. I think a strong currant drew him in.

Telephone answer-machine: "... If you want to buy marijuana, push the hash key now ..."

A man came round in hospital after an accident. "I can't feel my legs!" he shouted.
"No, I know that," replied the surgeon, "I've cut both your arms off".

A man went to the doc with a strawberry birthmark on his bum. The doc said, "Fine, I'll give you some cream to put on that."

"Doc, I can't stop humming 'The Green Green Grass of Home'. Eerie, huh"
"No, that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Uh? Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed," he said, "Can you do anything for him?"
"Let me have a look at him then," said the vet. He picked the dog up and tested his eyes, then teeth. Finally, the vet said, "I'll have to put him down."
"What, because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's effin' heavy"

I was getting in my car, and a bloke said, "Can you give me a lift?"
I said, "Sure - It's summer! Be uninhibited! You look fine! The world's your oyster! Go for it!'

A man walked into the docs. "I've hurt my arm in several places," he said.
"Then don't go there any more," huffed the doc.

3rd - Andrew Brehaut with:
His Holiness Pope John Paul died and, naturally, was delivered upstairs to heaven. He was greeted by Saint Peter and his reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour of the place, was told that he could enjoy any of the wealth of recreations available to him.

The Pope decided that he would like to examine all of the early versions of the Holy Scriptures. He spent the next thousand years focusing on learning each of the dead languages. After he had become a linguistics master, he sat down in the library and began to pore over every possible version of the Bible, working in reverse from the most recent "Dummies Guide" version to the original Jewish script.

All of a sudden, the Pope screamed out extremely loudly. The angels came running to him from throughout the area to discover the Pope huddled in the corner, crying and muttering to himself, "The letter 'R'! Those damn fools left out the 'R'”.

God took him aside and asked him what his problem was. After collecting his thoughts, the Pope sniffled again, "It's the letter 'R'... the damn word was supposed to be CELEBRATE."

=

The Pope had just commenced a tour of Washington and was taking a new limousine from the airport. As he'd never been allowed to drive an extravagant limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive. The chauffeur pulled over, climbed into the back seat, and the Pope grabbed the steering wheel. He started merging onto the state highway and accelerated to see just how fast the limo could go.

Suddenly, he noticed the flashing blue lights of a police car in his rear mirror and sullenly pulled over. The trooper strolled up to the limo, stared into the tinted window, then said, "Just a moment, sir, it is necessary to call you into my boss."

The trooper called in and stressed to the chief that he had a very important person pulled over for going way too fast.

"Is it a governor?" asked his boss.

"No! More important," he explained.

"George Bush?" prompted the stressed sheriff.

"No! Tons more important!" he answered eagerly.

"Well, who the hell is it exactly?" needled the angry chief.

"I have no idea who it is," he finally replied "but he must be important, he's got His Eminence, the Pope as a chauffeur."

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Andrew Brehaut with:
A Recipe for Eggs Benedict

INGREDIENTS

4 egg yolks
3.5 tablespoons lemon juice
A pinch ground white pepper
0.125 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
1 tablespoon of water
1 cup butter, melted
1.25 teaspoon salt
8 white eggs
1 tspn distilled white vinegar
8 strips of Canadian-style bacon
4 English muffins, split
2 tablespoons of softened butter

METHOD

To Make Hollandaise Sauce:

1. Fill the bottom of a double boiler part-way with water. Make sure that the water does not touch the top pan.
2. Bring water to a gentle simmer.
3. In the top of a double boiler, whisk together all egg yolks, lemon juice, white pepper, Worcestershire sauce, and one tablespoon water.
4. Add in the melted butter to an egg yolk mixture 1 or 2 tablespoons at a time while whisking yolks constantly. If hollandaise begins to get too thick, then add on a teaspoon or two of hot water.
5. Continue whisking until all of the butter is incorporated in the mix.
6. Whisk in the salt, then remove from heat.
7. Place a lid on pan to keep sauce warm.
8. Preheat oven on broiler setting.

To Poach Eggs:

8. Fill a large saucepan with 3 inches of water.
9. Bring water to a gentle simmer, then add vinegar.
10. Carefully break eggs into simmering water, and allow to cook for 2 1/2 to 3 minutes. Yolks should still be soft in center.
11. Remove eggs from water with a slotted spoon and set on a warm plate .
12. While eggs are poaching, brown the bacon in a medium skillet over medium-high heat and toast the English muffins on a baking sheet under the broiler.
13. Spread toasted muffins with a line of softened melted butter, and top each one with a slice of bacon, followed by one poached egg.
14. Place 2 muffins on each plate and drizzle with hollandaise sauce.
15. Sprinkle with chopped chives and serve immediately.

=

Recipe for Disaster from Andrew Brehaut's Cookbook

INGREDIENTS

1 US President
1 Pathetic British Hobgoblin
1 Little Australian Whippet
1 Saudi Child
2 Towers
4 United Airlines Planes
1 Fundamental Political Group
1 War Torn Nation
1 Oil Rich Nation
123 458 US Personnel
60 111 580 Unsuspecting Civilians

METHOD

To make super power:

1. Make two towers promoting values of hedonism to the world.
2. Elect to the Whitehouse a hotheaded madman whose famed feeble cowboy dad was pathetic.
3. Make sure he has a southern drawl and intelligence way less than a sock.
4. Add huge shot of 'short man syndrome".

To make Islamic Fundamentalist:

5. Raise newborn Saudi child.
6. Reject from rich family.
7. Transfer child to war torn nation.
8. Teach radical ideologies of the Koran on the way.
9. Allow teenage fellow to grow into western hating Muslim.

Creating the Conflict:

10. Get grown fundamentalist to coach young pledgees to be extreme Anglophobes.
11. Emigrate these foreign pledgees to Boston.
12. Let excitable pledgees integrate into US society.
13. Get pledgees to flight lessons.
14. Somehow get on and hijack United Airline flights.
15. Blow up awesome landmarks with the planes.

Starting the apocalypse:

16. Write emotive keynote speech with thoughts of revenge for the president.
17. Piggyback bedfellows (hobgoblin and whippet) to battle.
18. Release 123 458 "peacekeeping" troops to seize outmatched nation that happens to have bankrupt Muslim government.
19. Bomb thousands of weak gentle people.
20. Engineer transfer of awful blooDavid Bourkeath to overpopulated oil rich country.
21. Repeat bombing of thousands of weak gentle people.
22. Keep fighting non-winnable battle.

It is foreseeable that this battle will break Vietnam's record as the craziest war of all time.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Christina Rossetti's 'Listening' anagrammed into 3 poems.

eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Maggie May

eq3rd - David Bourke with:
[WARNING CONTAINS A LOT OF SWEAR WORDS AND SEXUAL REFERENCES]

A pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is walking the streets of Soho. In Dean Street he sees a cocktail bar with a sign saying: 'Jazz pianist wanted'.

"Fucking hell, get in there, you cunt!" he says to himself, and enters. "Get the fucking manager of this turdhole, you bollockbrained cocksucking cunt!" he says to the barman, who obliges, and the manager comes upstairs. "Can I help you?" he says to the pianist. "Yes you can, you fat piece of shit! I saw your poxy ad in the cunting window and I'm here to audition. Bloody tosser!"

The manager is put off by the man's rather discourteous manner, but his urgent need for a pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune is a very uplifting jazzy number, and at the end, the barman says "Wonderful! What's that one called?"

"That's called Excuse Me Sir But I Just Jizzed In Your Wife's Eye".

"Oh! Very well..." says the manager "Can you play something a little less lively?"

"Motherfucking twat!" says the pianist to himself, under his breath, before playing a ballad which leaves the manager in tears, as he asks him the title.

"That one's When You Do A Bird Up The Shitbox You'll Get Crap On Your Nob-End".

"I see..." says the manager, "And, er...do you have any songs with less offensive titles?"

"Well, you stupid cunting prick...", he says, "there's always my mellow jazz number "Do You Want Me To Split Your Ringpiece?"...or even "I Don't Fucking Care If You're Sixty, You've Still Got Very Nice Jugs, Grandmother".

"Look..." says the manager, "You're a superb pianist, but your titles are a bit racy. I'll hire you on one condition...that you don't introduce your songs, and don't speak to the audience at all".

"Oh fuck it..." says the pianist, "Why not!".

The first night, everything is going superbly, and all the crowd are lapping up his repertoire. The only thing putting the pianist off is a quite utterly gorgeous blonde lady in a little black evening dress with a split up the side, revealing the top of her silk stockings, and a plunging neckline showing all her ample cleavage. At the break, the pianist has such a stonking hard-on that he goes to the john and knocks one out. Just as he comes, he hears himself being re-introduced, and so rushes back and finishes his set.

After the show the blonde comes over. "Hi!"' she says. "Hello" he replies...and she whispers in his ear "Do you know your cock is hanging out and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?"

"Know it...?", he says, "I fucking wrote it!"

=

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in China, in Shanghai, and the place is just packed to the rafters. He plays 'Part Time Lover' and 'Ebony And Ivory', but to only lukewarm, awkward applause. In a bid to break the ice, the soul legend asks if anyone has a request. One Chinese fellow jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice: "You play a jazz chord!"

Shocked that this guy knew about the Fifties/early Sixties influences in his career, the blind musician nods, and starts, with gentle keystrokes, to play a sweeping E-minor scale on the piano with a moody, ethereal fretless bass accompaniment, then subtly swaying, goes into a beguiling, bluesy Ray Charles- style melody for about ten deliriously intense minutes, interspersing it with abstract reggae-tinged harmonic counterpoint, unusually-intricate myxolydian scales, excerpts from 'Songs In The Key Of Life', 'Talking Book', etc. When he finishes, the whole place goes wild. However, when the thunderous applause dies down, the Chinese chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts: "No no! You play a jazz chord!"

A little bit cheesed-off by this time, but being the true professional entertainer that you know he is, our sightless genius and his superb band dive straight into a staggeringly difficult, free-form improvisation with Stevie on the harmonica, based around 'Superstition' in the B-flat diminished-seventh chord, gradually segueing into 'Uptight (Everything's Alright)' and other chart- topping tunes from his back-catalogue such as 'Masterblaster', a tender 'My Cherie Amour', a keen 'Living For The City', and a raucous, boneshaking 'Sir Duke' on his huge Yamaha synthesiser...and Stevie really tears the place apart, the multi-coloured beads in his hair swinging around in the spotlight.

The exuberant crowd go bonkers again, but still the little Chinese guy jumps up yet again and shouts, more frantically now, "No no no! You play a jazz chord!"

By now, Stevie's utterly hacked-off, and cantankerously shouts "Hey you! Misstra Know-It-All! Enough's enough, OK! Why don't you get right up here and show me how to do it better yourself, you annoying little slanty- eyed yellow-skinned chinky monkey?"

"Sure!" says the Chinese guy. He gets up onto the stage, takes the microphone, and says "No, rook! Rike this, you see...", then starts singing:

"...a jazz chord, to say, I ruv you..."