Anagrammy Placegetters for June 2009

All the highly-placed anagrams from the June 2009 Anagrammy Awards.

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THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - View with:
Miss California's ~
as firm as silicon.

2nd - Adie Pena with:
Rodgers and Hammerstein's "The Sound of Music" =
For me, I'm sure songs touched hearts and minds.

3rd - Scott Gardner with:
Impressionist Edouard Manet =
Nude maids to inspire maestro?

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Andrew Brehaut with:
The Normandy landing site =
A silent morning then... D-Day.

2nd - David Bourke with:
The Prime Minister of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi =
Enemies vilify this most corrupt billionaire.

3rd - Rick Rothstein with:
Will there be a Palestinian State? ~
When a patient, able Israel lets it.

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Scott Gardner with:
The Palestinian Territories =
Anti-Israeli protest in there.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Microsoft operating system Windows Seven =
Now comes this - some pretty, new design for Vista!

3rd - David Bourke with:
The British Association of Anger Management =
IT HAS TO SO BENEFIT MAN IN A HOT SCREAMING RAGE!!!!!

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[Twelve plant names are in the anagram (Elder, ash, hazel, aster, mango, melon, iris, pine, pea, sage, oat, lime). They are in green.]

"In June, as many as a dozen species may burst their buds on a single day.
No man can heed all of these anniversaries; no man can ignore all of them." - Aldo Leopold
=

Elder in sunny Jordan

A shy haze looms above sandstone.

A stern man goads an old camel on.

I rise, I pine for peaceful time -

And sagely channel an oath sublime.

2nd - David Bourke with:
"In June, as many as a dozen species may burst their buds on a single day.
No man can heed all of these anniversaries; no man can ignore all of them." - Aldo Leopold
=
An Annual Sniff

Oh Pansy, henna, a common daisy,
One gorgeous rosebed, opened late.
Jasmine, belladonna drives one crazy,
And her clematis I shall stimulate.

3rd - Larry Brash with:
In June, as many as a dozen species may burst their buds on a single day.
No man can heed all of these anniversaries; no man can ignore all of them." - Aldo Leopold
=
Us in Oz ain't at all jealous for one second.
Many Australians have designed dream gardens in bloom in all months of a year, enhanced by phenomenal species.

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards two men playing the next hole.

Thwack! The ball hit one of the men, hard.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, then clattered down to the ground, where he writhed around in agony.

The woman quickly ran over to the man, and started to apologize. 'Please let me help.' She said. 'My job is a Physical Therapy Practitioner, and I know that I could relieve the pain somewhat, if you'd just let me.'

'It doesn't matter, I'll be just fine in a few minutes,' the man replied through gritted teeth; but it was quite obvious that he was in agony, lying in the foetal position, hands clutching his groin.

As a result of her persistence, however, he at last let her help. She gently took his hands away and placed them at his side, then unhitched his pants and put both her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several moments and then asked him, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!'

=

An eighty-one-year old man was requested by his doctor to have a sperm-count check as one part of his health assessment. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this home and bring along a semen sample tomorrow.'

Early the following day the man appeared again in the medic's office and returned the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day!

The doctor asked what had happened, and the ill-at-ease man replied, 'Well, it was like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried using my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife to help. She tried with her right hand, then her left hand, still nothing. She tried with her mouth too, first with teeth in, then with her teeth out, but still nothing.

'We even asked Millie from next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit. She even tried squeezing it between her knees, but it was still absolutely useless.'

The doctor was appalled. 'Oh, my God! You called out a female neighbour especially?'

The old man replied, 'Yep. None of us could get the jar open.'

2nd - Ellie Dent with:
Detective Sherlock Holmes, and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.

After a good meal and a couple of bottles of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful companion awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson deliberated carefully then replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. ~

Astronomically, that tells me there is a big new and wondrous body of unfathomed, and unsurpassed planets.

Horologically, I deduce it is now half-past seven.

Theologically, I do think that God's all powerful, and that we who are men fated, when we're small, weak and dependent.

Finally then, meteorologically, if I'm not mistaken, I'd speculate the outlook for tomorrow, a week ahead even, is pleasant."

After a short silence, Holmes spoke:

"Watson, you idiot. Some bastard's stolen our tent."

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
My grandchild asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"

"We didn't have fast foods when I was a child," I informed him. "All the food was slow."

"C'mon, but seriously," he smirked, "Where did you eat?"

"It was a little place we called a 'Home'," I smiled.

"Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we would all sit down together at the dining table and say a nice blessing before eating."

~

"McDonald's was a farm song," I winked. "If we didn't like a food Mother offered, we were allowed to sit there until we did like it! No, Timothy, 'Home' was never a democracy - 'Home or the highway!'"

By now, my hefty grandson was laughing so hard I was worried his rowdy guffaws would cause bodily damage. I decided not to even tell him about how we had to clean the plates and gracefully ask Dad's permission to leave the table!

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 24

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Jack worked for the Post Office, and his job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in shaky writing to God, but with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an eighty-three-year-old widow, living on a small pension.
Yesterday somebody stole my purse. It had one hundred pounds in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. This Sunday, it's Christmas Day, and I have invited two friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with and no family to turn to. You are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Mabel Gibbs

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all his co-workers, and each one quickly dug into his, or her, wallet and came up with a few pounds.

By the time Jack made the rounds, he'd collected ninety-eight pounds, which he put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a big, warm glow thinking of Mabel and the dinner she'd be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from Mabel to God. All the workers gathered around while Jack opened the letter.

It read:

Dear God,
I can't thank you enough for what you did for me! Because of your gift of love, I was able to cook a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends about your wonderful gift.
Sincerely, Mabel Gibbs.

PS: By the way, God, there was two-pounds missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

=

Three Labradors were sitting in the waiting room of the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The black Labrador turned to the chocolate Labrador and said, 'So, why are you here?'

The brown Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything...the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.'

'So, what is the vet going to do?' said the first Labrador.

'Gonna cut my nuts off, I'm afraid,' came the despondent reply. 'They reckon it may calm me down. I'm devastated!'

'Yeah, that is sad,' said the black Labrador then turned to the yellow one and asked, 'Why are you here?'

The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, I dig up flowers and trees too! I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside my house, I dig up the carpet! But I went way over the line last Friday when I dug an enormous hole in my owner's new settee.'

'So what are they gonna do to you?' the black Lab inquired.

'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too', sniffed the dejected dog.

'How mean!' woofed the yellow Labrador, then turned to the black one and asked, 'Why are you here?'

'I'm a humper,' the black Labrador said... 'I'd hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, a fluffy toy, the video, wooden fence-posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my woman owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just could not help myself. I hopped onto her back and started hammering away'

The yellow and chocolate Labradors exchanged sad glances; one of them said... 'So, is it nuts off for you too?'

The black Lab said...'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!!'

eq3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Animal emoticons:

:]~~~~~~* Frog catching a fly
:@) Pig
:©P Pig with tongue sticking out
^(@@)^ Wise owl
:(|) Monkey
) Cheshire cat
,,,,,,,,,, Ants a-marching
}:-8 Bull
<"}}}><\ Fish

=

-------------<;)))>< Fish caught bait
I=8) Comic cow
>^..^< Cat
=^-.-^= Sleepy kitten
~~~~~~~~~8}= Snake with fangs
_@/. Snail coming right
<:3 )~~~~~ Mouse going left
{:8( Unhappy gorilla
0__/\__ Inchworm

eq3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
THE TODDLER WEIGHT-LOSS DIET

As you may have noticed, most two-year-olds are trim. The secret to their success is finally available in this new miracle diet. (You may want to consult your doctor before attempting this diet.)

DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites of the egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast, then smear the jelly all over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons, a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (three sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two dimes and a nickel, four sips of flat Sprite.

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is fresh and clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid on mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

=

DAY THREE
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup; eat one with fingers, rub in hair and shirt. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sticky sucker from the rug, lick off fur, and put it on cushion of dad's best chair.

Lunch: Eat three wooden matches, peanut butter (protein) and jelly sandwich. Spit out several bites onto the kitchen floor. Pour glass of milk on the table and slurp it up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, orange punch. Try to laugh a little through your nose, if possible.

LAST DAY
Breakfast: A little toothpaste, bit of soap (nontoxic), one oily olive. Pour glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup of honey. Once cereal is soggy, drink sweet milk. Give gooey cereal to the dog. Drop vitamin and genuine Tonka toy down heat vent.

Lunchtime: Eat stale bread crumbs, old Dorito and dirty Cheerio off the kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Retrieve yesterday's sucker, finish it.

Dinner: Enjoy concoction of spaghetti noodles, sauce, and chocolate milk. Leave uneaten meatball on dinner plate. Try to swallow mascara tube for dessert.

(Dietitian note: A well-tolerated and nutritional weight-loss diet; no antidote is usually indicated.)

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Anagrammy Placegetters for June 2009

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

THE LONG CATEGORY

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

THE RUDE CATEGORY