Anagrammy Placegetters for January 2010

All the highly-placed anagrams from the January 2010 Anagrammy Awards.

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THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
We fear more plane blast alerts in the year 2010 =
Are we really a lot safer than in September 2001?

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Haitian disaster =
I hear that aid is sent.

3rd - Paul Pan with:
Holiday Inn offers a trial human bed-warming service =
A trim Rumanian blonde was fired for having icy heels.

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - David Bourke with:
Obese passengers to be charged double to fly with Air France =
Sarah Ferguson got considerably clobbered with a steep fee!

2nd - Ellie Dent with:
This gent entered a bar and sat by this woman, huddled up, with this tatty mutt beside her. He said, "Your dog... does it bite?"
"Dean? No." =
He patted it, but it snarled and bit him. He said, " But you said your dog doesn't bite!" She answered, "He don't. That, there, isn't my dawg."

3rd - Christopher Sturdy with:
His Highness, John 'celebrity pilot' Travolta went west unto Haiti to try feeding those poor dying sods... =
...and it is for what purpose? The very last thing they need right now is to join the bloody Scientologists!

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings? =
Better show extended visa for Earth while we test your underwear's cavities for a small ticking bomb.

2nd - Larry Brash with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings? =
Whatever BS research it was we had, in future, do not ever stick two big flexible metal rods into my arse.

eq3rd - Christopher Sturdy with:
"What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
What I'd want to know is how come UFO's fly. The terrible 'air saucer' design vexes me!
A bird travels better!

eq3rd - Don Fortier with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings? =
I think we'd avert a shooting war if we tried a curt, safe "Don't evict us, Beeblebrox. we're mostly harmless!"

eq3rd - Andrew Brehaut with:
The large-eared sixties hybrid Vulcan starcrew member avowed of others, "It's life, but not as we know it."

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Dear Ethan,

I read your letter in bed and my heart throbbed so hard it hurt! I adore you too, honey, but finishing the relationship was a mistake... I knew you'll come around and see that we are soul mates, though!
I felt so lost without you, Ethan. The flat I rented seemed so empty and cold and life seemed so hellish, but now I can simply move back in with you - so I'm ditching this place! I'm so happy I held on to your key, and I'm excited that I'll see my cute little Mittens soon... Give her a kiss from me.

I love you, my dear Ethan; You are the reason I still exist... And I certainly have to thank my sister for talking some sense into you! :)

Eternally Yours,
Jane

You wrote:

>Jane,
>I was a fool to leave
>you... I can't sleep
>or even eat, because
>I think you're quite
>amazing! I ask you to
>forget all about the
>past week and a half
>when I broke it off,
>and take this stupid
>knucklehead into your
>bed again. Please do!
>Thank god your sister
>made me realize that
>I was a total cretin
>when we were dating.
>We chatted at length
>and I have to agree,
>I think I'm in love!
>Do come back to me...
>
>Yours,
>Ethan

=

Hey Jane,

Look, you didn't read my previous e-mail right, okay? Seems half of it got truncated somehow. An ad must've blocked it. Here is the one that I sent you originally:

>Jane,
>I was a fool to leave my house key with
>you... I can't sleep in some nice motel
>or even eat, because my wallet's in there.
>I think you're quite senile. It's truly
>amazing! I ask you to return it, and you
>forget all about the damn thing like the
>past week and a half didn't happen. You see,
>when I broke it off, I meant it! Oh yeah,
>and take this stupid cat or I'll cram this
>knucklehead into your mailbox; it soiled my
>bed again. Please do. It's Satan's spawn!
>Thank god your sister took me in and also
>made me realize that I should've dated her!
>I was a total cretin not to notice her hints
>when we were dating. I made up for it now...
>We chatted at length after a night of sex,
>and I have to agree, she's WAY more bendy.
>I think I'm in love! You sure you're related?
>Do come back to me... about the key, that is.
>
>Yours,
>Ethan

P.S. Didn't I tell you this once before? You should really switch to a more reasonable e-mail service.

Ethan

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie', with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out to the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed out of the parking lot,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'It looks like the Dixons are having company!'

'Gee! Freddie Dryden is riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Woodwards are moving!'

'Trevor Dowie is riding on his skateboard!

After a few moments he called out, 'The Williams' are screwing!!'

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out 'Er... How do you know?'

'Davey Williams is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.'

=

ANNOYING COMPUTER FAULT.

I was having major problems communicating with my computer. So I rang Ashley Hunt, the ten-year-old boy next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him if he'd come over to help.

Ashley duly arrived, clicked on a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I asked him, 'So, what was wrong then, Ash?'

He replied, 'It was a basic ID ten T error, that's all.'

I didn't want to appear daft, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I have to go back to it again.'

Ashley grinned.... 'Haven't you heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think maybe you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Ashley, the smartass little bastard.

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
A Texan cowboy stopped in at a restaurant following an unhurried day during his stay in Mexico.

While sipping a refreshing tequila, he eyed an impressive platter being served to a nearby table. Not only did it look scrumptious, the smell was wonderful!

He addressed the waiter, "Oh, sir..."

The waiter replied, "Yes?"

The clueless cowboy asked, "What is that dish you just served?"

"Ah, Se–or," the server answered. "You have excellent taste! They are called Cojones de Toro, the 'oysters' from the bull fight this morning, considered a choice delicacy here."

The American cowboy, despite considering animal anatomy for a moment, ordered. "What the heck, bring me those!"

=

The diplomatic server explained, "I am so sorry, Se–or. The kitchen cooks only one portion per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place an order, I will hold your dish."

The next day, the cowboy placed the order over his relaxing breakfast. That evening he sat down once again and was served his sole 'catch of the day'. After tasting just a few tender spicy bites, he was just not satiated and regarded his platter.

He called the waiter aside, whispering, "They were quite delicious, but much, much smaller than those I remember seeing you serve yesterday."

The waiter nodded, "Si, Se–or. Sometimes the bull wins."

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 64

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The Retired Husband

After he retired, I insisted that my husband accompany me on my midweek trips to the local Target store. Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, I'm like most women - I wish to browse. Yesterday, without warning, I received the following letter from the Target manager:

Dear Mrs. Khalsa,

Over the past 6 months, your husband, Mr. Khalsa, has caused quite a commotion here in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and are going to be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by the video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms off the shelf and stealthily dumped them in other people's shopping carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set twenty alarm clocks in the housewares department to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: Made a trail of diluted ketchup on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee, belched, and demanded in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away!" This caused the employee to abandon her station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and money.

August 4: Went up to the Customer Service desk and tried to put 2 bags of M&Ms on layaway.

=

August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign from tiles over to a carpeted area, laughing.

August 15: Got a tent set up in the camping department and told children he'd invite them to stay over if they would bring a mat, doughnuts, other sugar goodies, and fluffy blankets from the bedding department, which twenty of the children did.

August 23: When asked if he needed help, screamed, "WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?" EMTs were called in.

September 4: Looked right into a security camera, transfixed, then used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

October 2: Darted around the store, suspiciously averting us, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme song.

October 5: In the automotive department, tested a taboo "Madonna look" by trying on a variety of similar pointy motor oil funnels.

October 7: Hid down in a jeans garment rack and when women browsed there, yelled "PICK ME, PICK ME!"

October 9: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he just assumed a fetal position and bawled "OH! NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And the worst:
October 26: Went into a narrow fitting room, left the door ajar, squatted a while, then yelled very loudly from the room, "MA'AM, THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!' Unfortunately, one of our clerks ran away.

In conclusion, Mrs. Khalsa, the Target staff members request that both you and your spouse stay away from our store in the future!

The management

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The doctor entered the wardroom and said 'Ah, hello Roger, I'm glad you have regained consciousness. You probably don't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a nasty crash on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything seems fine, but I'm afraid there's some rather bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can...

Your willy was chopped off in the crash and we weren't able to find it.'

Roger groaned (as he would!) and the doctor went on, 'We've just checked your health insurance and found that you actually have nine-thousand pounds compensation due, and the good news is that we have the technology to build you a new willy that'll work just as well as the old one, if not better! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's one thousand pounds per inch.'

Roger perked up a little at this (as he would!)

'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor said, "you just need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five-inch willy before and decide to opt for a nine inch one now, she might be somewhat alarmed. However, if you had a nine-incher before and decide to opt for a five-incher now, she might be a little bit, well... disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help make the right decision.'

So Roger agreed that he'd talk with his wife.

The doctor returned the next day. 'Well, Roger?' he asked, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' replied Roger.

'And has she helped you to decide?'

'She has,' he nodded.

'And what's the decision?' asked the doctor.

'We're having a new kitchen.'

=

A VERY SPOOKY CAR

This story happened a good while ago in Ireland. It may seem fictitious yet, allegedly, it is true.

John, a Dublin City University student, was out by the side of a gloomy country road hitchhiking on a dark night, in the middle of a vicious storm. It was so bad he could only see a few feet ahead.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly come towards him... and stop. Desperate for a shelter and without consciously thinking about it, John climbed into the car and closed the door.... only to see it was unoccupied. Nobody was behind the wheel... and the engine wasn't running!

As the car slowly commenced moving again, he peered at the wet road ahead and saw a curve looming up. He started to worry for his life but... as the car was about to meet the curve, a disembodied hand came out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel.

Paralysed with fear, he continued to watch the eerie hand, yet it never touched or tried to hurt him.

Soon, he saw the lights of a pub in the distance, so, summoning up his courage, he hastily dived out of the car and ran for his life.

Soaking wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started to tell everybody about his awful experience.

A deep silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and was not drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like him, were also soaking wet and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John weeping by the bar, one said to the other. 'Look ye there, McCoy. See? It's that fookin' idiot who got in our car while we were pushing it!

THE RUDE CATEGORY

1st - Wayne Baisley with:
Remington ~
Mingetron.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Ha! Scientists formally claim the G-spot doesn't exist! =
It's a sex-myth. So, let's go find that clitoris's place, men!

3rd - David Bourke with:
The Remington lady's electric shaver =
It is clear...her snatch gently removed!

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Anagrammy Placegetters for January 2010

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY