Anagrammy Placegetters for February 2010

All the highly-placed anagrams from the February 2010 Anagrammy Awards.

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THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Rosie Perera with:
Dante's Divine Comedy =
Vice, demons, and deity.

2nd - Ed Pegg Jr with:
New Orleans Saints =
Winner, last season.

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Tiger Holds Press Conference =
Confess, regret, consider help.

2nd - Rosie Perera with:
The Vancouver Winter Olympics =
I've pretty much a nil snow cover.

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Vancouver Twenty-ten Winter Olympic Games =
Top men vying at ice events want low mercury.

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Scott Gardner with:
Post-Impressionist Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec =
Oil painter chose Rue des Moulins prostitutes.

2nd - David Bourke with:
Singer Lady Gaga =
Already sagging!

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
President Barack Obama ~
absorbed a market panic.

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - David Bourke with:
Waitrose Cashmere Toilet Paper =
There to wipe a most special rear!

2nd - Rick Rothstein with:
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention =
Send doctors an alert on perverse infection.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
English Collective of Prostitutes. =
Sect to help lots of vice girls unite.

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Adie Pena with:
The Top Three Richest People in the World:
Warren E. Buffet,
Carlos Slim Helu,
and William Gates III
=
Billionaires:
I'm the Super Capitalist,
the New Upright Fellow,
and the Microsoft Wheeler-Dealer.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Two elderly widows, Sue and Eve, are on the back porch talking about life.

SUE: "Do you still get, uh... horny, Eve?"

EVE: "Oh I sure do, Sue!" =

SUE: "What d'you generally, er... do about it?"

EVE: "Do? Well, I suck the odd lifesaver."

SUE (looking pensive): "Er... who runs you to the beach?"

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
A drunk fellow leaving a bar, sees a nun waiting at the nearby bus stop. Walking up to her, he proceeds to punch her in the mouth. =
Unhappy but pure, virtue intact, her hidden knees are buckling. She falls into a heap. He growls: "NOT SO TOUGH NOW, ARE WE, BATMAN!"

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Larry Brash with:
An eighty-six year old man went to the local doctor for his usual checkup one day.

The doctor asked how he was going and the old man said:

"I reckon things are great and I have never felt better. Best of all, I now have me a cute pretty little twenty-three year old bride who is three months pregnant with my baby. So, what do you say about that, Doctor?"

The doctor considered that question for a moment or two and then began:

"Let me tell you a story."

"I have an older friend, very much like you and he has never missed a hunting season."

"One day he was setting off to go a hunting trip. Being in a bit of a hurry, he picked up his walking cane instead of his shotgun."

=

"Now, on the lengthy trek north-west, nearing a lake, he came across a very big strong beaver sitting on the waters' shore."

"He realised that he had gone and forgotten his trusty gun and he knew he couldn't shoot this magnificent creature."

"Out of habit, he raised the cane, aimed it at the animal, as if it was his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'Bang! Bang!'"

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and, oh boy, the beaver drops over dead."

"Now, what do you think of that, eh?", enquired the doctor.

The old boy said:

"My, my! I know any fancy logic would say that likely someone else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied "Yes, indeed. My point exactly!"

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
An Irishman was stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he came upon a preacher baptising people in a river.

He took his boots off and started to wade into the water, where he subsequently bumped into the preacher...

The preacher turned round and was almost overcome by the strong smell of alcohol. 'Well now,' he said to the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk gabbled, 'Yes, oi am.'

So the preacher grabbed him and dunked him down under the water.

He pulled him up and asked, 'Well, Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk retorted, 'No, oi have not found Jesus.'

The preacher, foxed by the answer, plunged him back into the water again for a little longer.

He pulled him out of the water again and asked, 'Right! Have you found Jesus now, my Brother?'

The drunk again answered, 'No, oi I have not found Jesus.'

By this time the baffled preacher was getting at his wits end, so he thrust him in the water again, but this time held him down for about 30 seconds, until he began thrashing his arms and legs, then dragged him up.

The preacher again asked, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

The drunk blinked his eyes, caught his breath and said to the preacher...

'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

=

A woman went to a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that its animals were all very expensive. She told the clerk she just needed to purchase a pet, but she didn't want to spend a huge fortune.

'Well,' murmured the clerk, 'I have a large bullfrog. And I hear it has been trained to give blow jobs!'

'Huh? Blow jobs!' replied the surprised woman.

'Supposedly. It hasn't been verified but we have sold 30 of them here this month,' the clerk said.

The woman thought it would be a hilarious present to get as a joke! And what if it were indeed true...? Eureka! No more dreary BJs for her! She hurriedly made the purchase.

When she revealed the frog's unusual talent to her husband, he was highly amused. 'Yeah, right!' he laughed. The woman went to bed cheerful, thinking she may never need to perform this humdrum act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the clamour of pots and pans making banging and crashing sounds downstairs. She jumped up and hurried down to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookery books.

'What on earth are you doing up at this hour?' she enquired...

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook...you're gone.'

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Quote by Mark Twain

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Short verse outlining Mount Etna in Virgil's Aeneid, Book III

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE GODFATHER OF GREEK PHILOSOPHY.

Keep this philosophy in mind every time you hear, or are about to spread a rumour.

Back in ancient Greece, Socrates was widely known and lauded for his wisdom. One day the acclaimed philosopher chanced upon an acquaintance, who dashed up to him excitedly and announced, "Hey, Socrates! Do you know what I have just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to take a small test. It's called the Test of Three."

"The Test of Three?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before talking of my student let us take a moment to test what you are going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made sure that what you are going to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "in fact, I have only just heard about it."

"Right then," added Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. And now let's try the second test; the Test of Goodness. Is what you are going to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"All right," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you don't know for certain that it's true?"

The man looked down awkwardly, and it was obvious that he was growing very embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there's a third and final test, named the Filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, I think, probably not..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to relate is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, then why tell me at all?"

The man was now deflated and ashamed, and he said no more.

And this is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

=

RIOTOUS TIMES!

A Louisianian rancher passed away and left his estate and possessions to his spouse. The spouse, an extremely attractive woman, was eager to keep the successful ranch going but knew little about such matters, so she put out a classified ad for a ranch-labourer to assist her.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One, Matt, was gay and the other, Russ, a drunk. The woman thought about it at length and, as no one else applied, settled on Matt, the gay guy, assuming it would be safer to have him around the house than Russ the lush.

Matt proved to be a loyal, courteous employee who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranch duties too. For weeks, the two of them toiled industriously together, and the ranch progressed well.

One day, the widow said to Matt, 'You've done a really excellent job, and the ranch is a great success. You should go out on the town and treat yourself to a seriously riotous time!' she laughed.

Matt eagerly agreed and went into town that Saturday night.

One o'clock came and Matt had not returned. Two o'clock came and he'd still not returned. Eventually, he came in at around two-thirty. On entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting on the settee with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She stood up and quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

Hands trembling, Matt did as she said.

'Now take off my boots.'

Slowly, he did as she said.

'Now my stockings.'

He cautiously removed each and put them on the carpet.

'Now take off my skirt.'

Reticently, Matt unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

'Now take off my bra.'

He obeyed, letting let it drop to the floor.

Then she looked him in the eye and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

3rd - Adie Pena with:
Since My Valentine Got A Computer