Anagrammy Placegetters for May 2011

All the highly-placed anagrams from the May 2011 Anagrammy Awards.

[ Previous month ] [ Back to index ] [ Next month ]

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Harshal M. with:
Murals on the Sistine Chapel ceiling =
This is Michelangelo's true pinnacle.

2nd - Ellie Dent with:
Claude Monet's series of 'Water Lilies'=
I use oil and create timeless flowers.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides =
Arr, don't bother seeing it sea fans, it be crap!

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Neil Ramsay with:
Severiano Ballesteros =
Valor es sobresaliente.

Eq2nd - View with:
Sarah Burton, the royal wedding dress designer =
Gown's author dressed a bride in her grand style.

Eq2nd - Ed Pegg Jr with:
Saint Leo IV ~
is not alive.

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

Eq1st - Larry Brash with:
The Leaning Tower of Pisa =
Operating while not safe?

Eq1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Space Shuttle Endeavour =
Launch devotees stare up.

3rd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Universities of Oxford and Cambridge =
Dudes off boat racing mix on the riverside.

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
President Obama receives a huge ratings bounce in a recent poll, following the death of Osama bin Laden =
Problem is, he'd need to gun down the faithless Arab all over again to be safe in an upcoming election race!

2nd - David Bourke with:
Sarah's and Todd's daughter Bristol Sheeran Marie Palin =
Another stupid lass, as brain-dead as her darling mother!

3rd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
"You are our representatives spearheading humanity's exploration of new spaces and possibilities for our future" =
is Pope Benedict's telephone message for six U.S. astronauts on their way in a furious ride far up over our airy planet.

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!"
=
How would I whack a chieftain called Osama?
How would I mow a crappy idiot down?
I'll join a brave team inspired by Obama
To rub out a fool, then let his body drown!

2nd - Larry Brash with:
"How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!"
=
What do you do with a problem like Diana?
Just how'd the Windsor Mafia blow her out?
Conceivably, how to coldly wipe Diana?
Boof! Aim a Merc in a Paris wall, no doubt!

Eq3rd - Andrew Brehaut with:
"How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown
=
How do you solve a problem like Osama?
How do you find a critical twit so bad
How can you whip a wild one named Bin Laden?
Cop a rifle butt! With a mortar blow! Jihad!

Eq3rd - Christopher Sturdy with:
How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!
=
How do you broach a subject with Sharia?
What would be the Islamic point of view?
Laid by an imam, do follow your Koran,
Law applied, I told a bride, "women can not do".

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
Two Irish brothers, Patrick and Connor McGough, had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, that they would bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in time he did die and the brothers kept their promise.

They set off with their Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded into their little rowboat. After a while Patrick McGough said, "Do yer tink that dis is fer enough out, Connor?"

Without a word Connor slipped over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.

"Ah, dis'll neva do, Pat. Let's row some more."

After a bit more rowing, Connor went over the side again but found that the water was only up to his belly, so they rowed on.

Again Pat asked him, "Do yer tink that dis is fer enough out?"

Once again Connor went over the side and almost immediately said, "No dis'll neva do."

The water was still only up to his chest. So, on and on they rowed and finally Connor went over the side and disappeared altogether. Quite a bit of time went by and Pat was really getting himself into a state when suddenly Connor broke the surface gasping for breath.

"Well is it deep enough yet, Connor?"

"Aye 'tis, hand me da shovel."

=

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was eighty years old and had never been married. Everybody liked her for her sweet demeanour and endearing innocence.

One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her. She showed him into her modest living room and invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat looking at her quaint old upright Hammond organ, the young minister suddenly noticed an ordinary glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled up with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The young pastor tried to suppress his curiosity about the bowl of water and its peculiar floater, but it finally got the better of him and he could resist no longer.

'Hey, Miss Beatrice; I wonder if you would kindly tell me about this?' he said, pointing to the mysterious bowl.

'Oh, yes, isn't it wonderful?' she replied. 'I was walking by the park a few months ago and I found this small packet on the ground. The directions inside said to place it on the organ and keep it moist and it would prevent the spread of diseases. And do you know what? I haven't had a trace of flu all winter!'

2nd - Adie Pena with:
BLONDE 2011 MONTH-BY-MONTH CALENDAR

January
"Happy New Year" to me! Took my new 100-dollar D&G scarf back to the store -- it was too tight.

February
A bummer of a month. Boo-hoo! Got fired from my job at the pharmacy for failure to print labels on 111 medicine bottles. I couldn't believe it. The bottles wouldn’t fit in the typewriter!

March
Exciting and best month ever. I feel like a queen indeed! Finished a jig saw puzzle in 9 months. The box said "2 - 4 years."

April
Scary month. Whew! Gee, was trapped on an escalator for 12 hours -- the power went out!

May
A frustrating month. Tried to make Kool-Aid from scratch. Didn't succeed. It seems 8 cups of water just will not fit into those little packets.

June
An adventurous month. Tried to water ski -- and had to give up -- couldn’t find a lake with a decent slope.
~
July
Defeated month. Lost a breast stroke swimming competition I joined -- then found out all the other 10 swimmers cheated by using their arms! Total jerks!

August
Wet month! I got locked out of my Japanese car during a rain storm. The inside of my car was ruined because the top was partially down.

September
Dumb month. I lost that TV quiz show. The capital of California is 'C,' isn't it?

October
I rant: "Little M&Ms?! I hate that junk! They are so hard to peel!"

November
Bad food month. Cooked a fat turkey for 4 1/2 days. Catastrophe! It was very dry -- don't know what went wrong. I looked at instructions below: "1 hour per pound." Note that I weigh 108.

December
Fateful accident month. Zapped a finger really bad. Couldn't call 911 for an expert fix. No "eleven" on the phone!?

Maybe 2012 will be different.

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
SIMPLE PRACTICAL TESTS TO TAKE BEFORE YOU HAVE CHILDREN

Women:

Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.

Leave it there.

After nine months remove around five per cent of the beans.

Go to the supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a goat, preferably mature -is excellent. If you intend to have more than one kid, two maybe, take more than one goat.

Buy the weekly groceries without letting them (goats) out of your sight.

Pay for all the goat(s) eat or destroy. Until you can accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

=

Men:

Go to the chemist, tip your wallet onto the counter then tell him to help himself.

Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

Go home. Read a newspaper ... for the last time.

Forget talk of that outstanding new BMW you found. Buy the convenient five-door wagon.

Buy an icecream and put it in the glove compartment.

Take one penny coin and insert that into the new CD player.

Take a large box of Swiss chocolate biscuits, then mash it evenly into the back seat.

Get one garden rake, or use a key even, to run vigorously along both sides of the car.

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - David Bourke with:
Autobiography [version III]

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Jim and Patricia were eighty years old and had been married for sixty years. Although they were far from rich, they did manage to get by because Jim watched their pennies.

Despite their age, they were in quite good health, largely due to Patricia's insistence on organic food, with daily exercise, for the last decade.

But their good health didn't help them when they went on holiday one day and their plane crashed, sending them up to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a running waterfall in the master bath. A maid was hanging their favourite clothes in a closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

Jim asked how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' St. Peter smiled, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

Jim looked out the window and saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any course on Earth. 'Wow! And what are the fees for that?' he queried.

'This is Heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for nothing all day.'

Then they went to the clubhouse and saw a sumptuous buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts and free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter. 'This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

Jim looked round and glanced nervously at Patricia. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?' he enquired.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you want and you will not get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Jim

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'No. Never again. All you will do here is enjoy yourself.'

Jim glared at Patricia and said, 'You and your f****ing Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

=

An Irish farmer named Fergus had a motor accident. In court, the lorry company's highly expensive lawyer was questioning Fergus.

'Did you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'? asked the lawyer.

Fergus responded: 'Well, I'll explain to you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Mabel, safely onto the...'

'I didn't ask you for any unnecessary details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Fergus said, 'Well, I had just got Mabel safely onto the trailer and I was driving off down the road...'

The lawyer interrupted again, saying, 'Your Honour, I am just trying to establish the fact that, after the accident, this man stated to the police officer at the scene that he was fine. But now, several weeks after the accident, he's trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him he must answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was very interested in Fergus's reply and he politely explained to the lawyer: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Mabel. He may speak'

Fergus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Mabel, my favourite cow, safely onto the trailer and was driving her down the road, when this huge lorry came speeding through a stop sign and hit my trailer in the side. I was thrown out into one ditch and Mabel was thrown off into another. I was hurt very badly, with a sore head and did not really feel like moving. However, I could hear poor Mabel moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by those groans.

Soon after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear poor Mabel's feeble moans and groans so he went over to see her. After looking at her and seeing her injured condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.'

'Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and asked me, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the fook would you have said?'

3rd - Ember Nickel with:
Just as these lines that merge to form a key