Anagrammy Placegetters for February 2013

All the highly-placed anagrams from the February 2013 Anagrammy Awards.

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THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st - Scott Gardner with:
One's valentine =
An intense love.

2nd - Ed Pegg Jr with:
The road to Hell is paved with good intentions =
Apt to do no wrong? Oh, the devil is in the details.

3rd - View with:
Ladies wish to get ~
a weight loss diet.

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Adie Pena with:
Oscar Leonard Carl Pistorius and Reeva Steenkamp =
As police ask, "Can a star sprinter murder a loved one?"

2nd - Richard Grantham with:
Position vacant =
Spot in Vaticano.

3rd - Adrian Hickford with:
Lasagne =
Nag sale.

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
The elderly couple, who had been courting a long time, finally decided that they would get married. While out making their wedding plans, they went into a pharmacy,

The old man asked the sales assistant, "Do you sell arthritis pills?"

"Yes, we do," said the assistant,

"Great! And how about heart medication?"

"We stock that too."

"Ok; anything for constipation?"

"Naturally!"

"Hmm... and denture cleaner?"

"Of course, sir."

"Ah... how about Viagra?" he winked.

"Ha, ha, and Viagra, sir!"

"And sleeping pills?"

"We keep them in bulk."

"Acid reflux tablets?"

"All makes."

"Ah, thanks, that's swell!" whooped the delighted old man, nodding to his bride-to-be. "Okay; we would like to register here for our wedding gifts!"

=

I got dancing with an older woman at a club last night.

Celia looked pretty good for a sixty-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I'd found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a little - well, a lot - we snuggled up, and she asked me if I’d ever tried a ‘Sportsman’s Double’?

“No, what is it?” I asked.

“It is a mother and daughter threesome,” she replied.

“Oh,” I said, as I began to consider the idea (while secretly wondering what this daughter of hers looked like). "No, I haven't."

We drank some more, then Celia purred that tonight was my ‘lucky night’!

I went back to her place.

We went in.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs... “Mom, you still awake?”

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:

The Carnival Triumph Cruise '14
It's a voyage you may never forget!

Pioneers-ville! Now you can revisit the savage days of a young America! Experience American life in simpler times without those basic modern luxuries like power, soap, food and fresh air. It may be the finest survival lesson that you'd ever have!
A Blazing Good Time: Behold, the primal force that has fascinated Man ever since we crawled out of the sea: Fire! Sit back and bask at the beauty of our own Flame Emporium (formerly the engine room). Come for the warmth, stay for the s'mores!*
*Bring your own s'mores
Health Tutorials! Most doctors believe that analyzing our diets should be our number one priority. And at Carnival Cruises, we don't just settle for Number Two. This is why our private facilities supply Hot and Cold Running Sewage - after all, each Carnival meal is so nice, you'll want to encounter it twice!

=

Guest Appearances: Surprise! Our highly informative safety lecture will be delivered by none other than Captain Francesco Schettino. Marvel as he demonstrates how to abandon ship in our only lifeboat!
A Zen For Life: Are modern cruises often zooming too fast for you? Now you can truly relax while you're towed at the maximum speed of 1.4 miles per hour through the mild backwaters of the majestic Venice of South East USA: Mobile, Alabama!
Premium Calligraphy Course! Learn how to sign your name like a real artist using a variety of colorful liability waivers! It's a must!!
Stars For A Day: So, we've reached port - but the fun shouldn't stop there. Why, are those TV cameras?! Indeed, it's time to live like a rich celebrity and gain worldwide fame... by giving interviews to numerous primetime newscasts! Move over, Beyonce!
Carnival Cruises: An adventure nothing short of titanic

3rd - Christopher Sturdy with:
Naturalization Oath of Allegiance to the United States of America

Oath "I hereby declare, on oath, that I absolutely and entirely renounce and abjure all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince, potentate, state or sovereignty, of whom or which I have heretofore been a subject or citizen; that I will support and defend the Constitution and laws of the United States of America against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I will bear arms on behalf of the United States when required by the law; that I will perform noncombatant service in the armed forces of the United States when required by the law; that I will perform work of national importance under civilian direction when required by the law; and that I take this obligation freely without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; so help me God."

=
The undertaking one willingly subscribes to when offering oneself before a judge as a new citizen has some rather deft features hidden within legal wording.

Not least the neat use of elevated vocabulary no current resident of the country would normally employ.

Definitely quite a lot of stuff about guns, not so much about Iraq or al-Qaeda! And then there's the matter of employment. Nothing to declare I have a job lined up, or for that matter, a place to stay or medical insurance.

I note there's no place to swear I am neither a crackpot, a terrorist, a zealot, a murderer nor want benefit.

It's apolitical (at least non-partisan) and yet at the end I see Christian religion implicit within it. I'd feel it inane if I had to swear all that with a hand on a bible, which inevitably is the intention.

I find it to be verbal diarrhoea. What a way to help achieve a welcome at the home of the free world.

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The little Love-god lying once asleep
Laid by his side his heart-inflaming brand,
Whilst many nymphs that vowed chaste life to keep
Came tripping by; but in her maiden hand
The fairest votary took up that fire
Which many legions of true hearts had warmed;
And so the general of hot desire
Was sleeping by a virgin hand disarmed.
This brand she quenched in a cool well by,
Which from Love's fire took heat perpetual,
Growing a bath and healthful remedy
For men diseased; but I, my mistress' thrall,
Came there for cure, and this by that I prove,
Love's fire heats water, water cools not love.

=

What This Lady Likes Most

He'd call me Peach and Honeydew,
Ensuring that his love is true;
Romantic odes make their debut -
However droll, they will not do.
Each ode and bluff can be his foe
And can dissolve this status quo;
Real love is friendly and mundane -
Though it's a hard one to obtain.

The Rhymes of a Crafty Man

Her face is stiff; she breathes a sigh,
Not very pleased with me - yet I
Will bring that love back to her eyes
By trying hard and aiming high:
Creative odes performed with glee
Might promptly answer her brief plea;
One poem will prevent that war,
Establishing a firm rapport.

[The first 2 acrostics are formed by the Female poem's first letters and the Male poem's last letters:]

What This Lady Likes Most

He'd call me Peach and Honeydew,
Ensuring that his love is true;
Romantic odes make their debut -
However droll, they will not do.
Each ode and bluff can be his foe
And can dissolve this status quo;
Real love is friendly and mundane -
Though it's a hard one to obtain.

The Rhymes of a Crafty Man

Her face is stiff; she breathes a sigH,
Not very pleased with me - yet I
Will bring that love back to her eyeS
By   trying   hard   and aiming higH:
Creative odes performed   with gleE
Might promptly answer her brief pleA;
One   poem   will prevent   that   waR,
Establishing     a    firm     rapporT.

The 3rd acrostic is formed by the poems' other set of last & first letters, but only appears when the Female & Male poems intermingle:

What This Lady Likes Most       The Rhymes of a Crafty Man

He'd call me Peach and HoneydeW,
                                Her face is stiff; she breathes a sigH,
Ensuring that his love is truE;
                                Not very pleased with me - yet I
Romantic odes make their debuT -
                                Will bring that love back to her eyeS
However droll, they will not dO.
                                By   trying   hard   and aiming higH:
Each ode and bluff can be his foE
                                Creative odes performed   with gleE
And can dissolve this status quO;
                                Might promptly answer her brief pleA;
Real love is friendly and mundanE -
                                One   poem   will prevent   that   waR,
Though it's a hard one to obtaiN.
                                Establishing     a    firm     rapporT.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The best-selling novel 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' has seduced women and baffled men.
Now a clever spoof, 'Fifty Sheds Of Grey', offers a treat for the men, as author Colin Grey recalls his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some recollections...

FIFTY SHEDS OF GREY:

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against the wall... but in the end we came to the conclusion that the bottom of the garden was plainly the correct place for the shed.

She stood there, trembling in the shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want."
So we went to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I grunted with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to purchase all sorts of ropes, chains and shackles.
She's still managing to get into that shed, though.

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Hmm, kinky," she purred.
"Well," I rasped, "we can't be too careful, not with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

"I'm a very naughty girl," she purred, biting her lip. "I need punishing."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the bench tightly. "Harder!"
"Right," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"

I lay back spent, gazing happily out the shed window.
Despite all my concerns about my chronic lack of experience, the rhubarb had come up a treat.

"Are you certain you can stand the pain?" she snarled, brandishing the stilettos.
"I think I can," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said... and she showed me the till-receipt.

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I snarled. "You've got fat ankles and rotten dress sense."

"Are you sure you want this?" I said. "Only, when I'm done, you'll be unable to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Right," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer as only a proper man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she purred, gently caressing my neck as we listened to her Coldplay CD.

=

THOSE WONDERFUL CHURCH BULLETINS!

Thank goodness for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) really appeared in bulletins or were announced during services:

The Fasting and Prayer session on Sunday includes meals.

Ladies, do not forget Tuesday's rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Katharine Sharkey sang 'I will not pass this way again,' thus giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Tuesday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Geoffrey Eddison and Hazel Baker-Maddox got married last Friday in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

The theme of the evening sermon tonight will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practise.

Eight new choir robes are urgently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The boy scouts are seeking aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Potluck supper Sunday at five PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This weekend there will be hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and a flask and be prepared to sin.

The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Monday at seven-fifteen PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement this Friday at seven PM. The congregation is duly invited to attend this tragedy.

The Weight Watchers meeting is Saturday at eight PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use the large double doors by the side entrance.

Keith Swaffham, the Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: " I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
SUPER TROUPER
By
Abba

Super Trouper beams are gonna blind me
But I won't feel blue
Like I always do
'Cause somewhere in the crowd there's you

I was sick and tired of everything
When I called you last night from Glasgow
All I do is eat and sleep and sing
Wishing every show was the last show
(Wishing every show was the last show)
So imagine I was glad to hear you're coming
(Glad to hear you're coming)
Suddenly I feel all right
(And suddenly it's gonna be)
And it's gonna be so different
When I'm on the stage tonight

Tonight the
Super Trouper lights are gonna find me
Shining like the sun
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Smiling, having fun
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Feeling like a number one
Tonight the
Super Trouper beams are gonna blind me
But I won't feel blue
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Like I always do
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
'Cause somewhere in the crowd there's you

Facing twenty thousand of your friends
How can anyone be so lonely
Part of a success that never ends
Still I'm thinking about you only
(Still I'm thinking about you only)
There are moments when I think I'm going crazy
(Think I'm going crazy)
But it's gonna be alright
(You'll soon be changing everything)
Everything will be so different
When I'm on the stage tonight

Tonight the
Super Trouper lights are gonna find me
Shining like the sun
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Smiling, having fun
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Feeling like a number one
Tonight the
Super Trouper beams are gonna blind me
But I won't feel blue
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Like I always do
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
'Cause somewhere in the crowd there's you

So I'll be there when you arrive
The sight of you will prove to me I'm still alive
And when you take me in your arms
And hold me tight
I know it's gonna mean so much tonight

Tonight the
Super Trouper lights are gonna find me
Shining like the sun
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Smiling, having fun
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Feeling like a number one
Tonight the
Super Trouper beams are gonna blind me
But I won't feel blue
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Like I always do
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
'Cause somewhere in the crowd there's you

[repeat and fade]
=

HORSY POSSESSION
By
Bob Beefburger

Red Rum, Phar Lap powering down the home straight,
Running sure and true,
Like you used to do,
I feel such kinship with you.

I was feeling strange as anything,
When I called you last night from Tesco,
I hope you'll forgive the whinnying,
I keep doing it, why I don't know,
(Doing it why I don't know)
I've been having these dreams where I'm running,
(Well, it's really more a gallop)
In some event at Fontwell Park,
(Or Plumpton or Brighton?)
Lots of people cheering then I
Wake up puffing in the dark.

They're off...!
It's Red Rum, Phar Lap speeding down the home run,
Running sure and true,
(Run Red Rum, run Phar Lap!)
Like you used to do,
(Run Red Rum, run Phar Lap!)
Guess I feel kinship with you.
See them go...!
Shergar, Mill Reef
Slipping past the 'Win' post
Noble as can be,
(N-no-ble, n-no-ble)
Two tip-top gee-gees,
(Top gee-gees, top gee-gees)
But nowhere near as fast as me!

Don't know why I'm chomping at the bit,
Guess it's something I ate for supper?
Filling up on burgers, buns and chips,
With the usual evening cuppa,
(The usual evening cuppa)
Usually I'm really very lazy
(He's really flipping lazy)
Now I'm skittish as a colt,
(You ought to see him prancing)
But since those Tesco burgers
I'd beat even Usain Bolt!

I see them...!
Red Rum, Phar Lap sweeping down the home run,
Super, sure and true,
(Run Red Rum, run Phar Lap!)
Like you used to do,
(Run Red Rum, run Phar Lap!)
I such feel kinship with you.
There they go...!
Shergar, Mill Reef
Slipping past the 'Win' post,
Noble as can be
(N-no-ble, n-no-ble)
Two tip-top gee-gees,
(Tippy-top, tippy-top)
But nowhere super-fast as me!

I'm going now, for I can't wait,
I've got this ever so important morning date,
I've got to be in Epsom Downs
By five-to-eight,
I'm running the first race, so can't be late!

I see you...!
Red Rum, Phar Lap powering down the home straight,
Running sure and true,
(Run Red Rum, run Phar Lap!)
Like you used to do,
(Run Red-Rum, run Phar Lap!)
I feel a kinship with you.
There they go...!
Shergar, Mill Reef
Slipping past the 'Win' post,
Noble as can be,
(N-no-ble, n-no-ble)
Two tip-top gee-gees,
(Tippy-top, tippy-top)
But nowhere near as fast as me!

[Keep up, people, 'cause I'm galloping!]

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Anagrammy Placegetters for February 2013

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

THE LONG CATEGORY

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

THE RUDE CATEGORY