Anagrammy Placegetters for September 2014

All the highly-placed anagrams from the September 2014 Anagrammy Awards.

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THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A spin of the roulette =
Fate rules it, not hope.

2nd - Tyler Severance with:
It's a never ending story ~
and so very interesting!

3rd - Larry Brash with:
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder =
Very distracted condition... I pity their fate.

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Adie Pena with:
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band =
LP caper sprung by the Beatles on LSD.

2nd - David Bourke with:
The Canadian songwriter Neil Percival Young =
A strange and peculiarly-whining tenor voice.

3rd - nedesto with:
Rowling's Harry Potter series of children's books =
Thin sorcerer boy inspires older Hogwarts folks.

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
The timeless Deborah Ann 'Debbie' Harry =
The rather dreamy 'Blondie' babe shines!

eq2nd - David Bourke with:
Richard Froning, "The Fittest Man on Earth" =
Terrific strength and heart...no fat on him!

eq2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Late comedian Joan Rivers =
A major, relevant icon dies.

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
'To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.' - Lewis B Smedes
=
No way! So far, I've discovered the best response to hurt emotions is swift reprisal. Agreed?

eq2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes
=
"That is FAR too progressive a view. We'd rather force needles into bodies!" - U.S. Prison System

eq2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes
=
Christ is very wise -
It's best to offer pardon
To those we despise;
Our love remains a garden.

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Ellie Dent with:
A scruffy looking guy strolls into a bar one summer's evening and orders a drink. The bartender says: 'No way. I don't think you can pay for it.' The guy says, 'You are right. I do not have any money, but if I show you something you have never seen before, will you give me a drink?'

The bartender says, 'Only if what you show me ain't risque.' 'Right. Deal!' says the guy and reaches into the pocket of his coat and retrieves a little furry hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, climbs down, runs across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing a tune. And the hamster is really rather good.

The bartender says, 'You are right. I have never seen anything like that before in my life. That hamster is superb on the piano.'

=

The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender, Harry, for another brew, a brandy. 'Money, a miracle, or no joy', says the barman.

The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a frog. He puts it on the bar, whereupon the tiny animal begins to sing. He has a marvelous voice and pretty fine pitch. A guy from the other end of the bar runs over and offers him three hundred dollars for the entertaining frog. The guy says, 'Okay. It is a deal.' He takes the money and hands it over. A very happy buyer hurries away.

The bartender says: 'Hey! You must be stupid! Some kinda nut. You sold a remarkable, genuinely creative, singing frog for that? Why, it must've been worth millions, easy. It's insanity, isn't it?'

'No no, not so. You see, the hamster there is also a ventriloquist.'

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:

HOW TO WRAP A GIFT WITH A CAT

* Go to wardrobe and collect bag with gift then close it.

* Reopen and remove cat from wardrobe.

* Go to cupboard to retrieve all materials.

* Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

* Lay out all materials on table.

* Remove present from bag.

* Remove cat from bag.

* Spread out sheet and cut it in straight lines.

* Throw away first sheet because cat chased scissors and tore it and use new sheet.

* Place gift on sheet.

* Try to seal gift, wonder why edges won't reach now and find cat under sheet. Remove cat and retry.

* Cut sticky tape.

* Spend next twenty-odd minutes carefully trying to remove tape from cat.

* Seal gift with sticky tape.

* Chase cat and retrieve ribbon. Stick ribbon on gift.

* Go in lockable room and lock door.

* Unlock door, put cat out and re-lock.

* Label gift.

* Hide gift in room, go out and lock room.

* Spend fifteen minutes looking for cat before coming to obvious conclusion.

* Head back, unlock room, find gift, unwrap it and remove cat. Do this whole process again.

* Hand gift nine hours later.

* Endlessly apologize when seriously angry cat jumps out of box.

=

HOW TO BAKE CHRISTMAS COOKIES WITH A CAT

* Locate your favorite recipe and set on kitchen table.

* Lift cat off recipe.

* Get eggs, flour, dry ingredients and cup.

* Break eggs in small bowl.

* Place flour and dry ingredients in big bowl and mix.

* Realize cat ate eggs, get some more from fridge.

* Remove cat from flour bowl and wipe off flour-covered cat.

* Get bandages and apply to nasty cat scratches all over hands.

* Dispose of fur-covered ingredients and re-mix.

* Preheat oven for cookies.

* Stand up just in time to catch cat sneaking back to bowl, so chase cat away.

* Watch grumpy cat as it runs for cover into bathroom

* Sprinkle flour on counter to roll out cookie dough.

* Run to find out what happened in bathroom upon hearing loud noise.

* Find entire bathroom covered in toilet paper and dotted with broken items from toilet counter.

* Shout at cat.

* Watch as startled cat tumbles in toilet bowl.

* Remove soggy cat from toilet and gently dry off cat with large towel.

* Get in car and drive to town to buy more bandages to new scratches on arms and legs.

* Buy some cookies on the way back.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A man and his wife walked into a dental surgery. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I am in a heck of a hurry; I have got two buddies sitting outside in my car waiting for us to go and play golf, so let's forget all about the anaesthetic. I just need you to pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a ten o'clock teeing time at probably the most expensive golf course in town and it's nine-thirty already. I just don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to kick in!"

The dentist thought to himself, 'Goodness me, he's really an extremely heroic man asking to have a tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.' So the dentist asked him, "Okay, which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth love, and show him..."
=

A man went to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.

She immediately got out a syringe to give him an anaesthetic shot.

"No way! I won't do needles. I hate them! No way!" he cried out.

So she started to hook up a nitrous oxide cylinder but the man announced, "Sorry, I cannot do that funny knockout-gas thing. Just the thought of that horrific mask on my face is suffocating me!

The dentist then asked if the guy had any objections to taking two pills.

"No worries; I'm fine with them" he said. So she gave him two little blue pills.

"What are they?" he asked.

"Viagra," she replied.

"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra was a pain killer."

"No, it isn't," said the dentist, "But it'll give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth out."

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[A war sonnet is anagrammed into another sonnet about peace, which also contains a visual constraint detailed below it:]

Ella Wheeler Wilcox's War Sonnet

Above the chaos of impending ills,
Through all the clamour of insistent strife,
Now while the noise of arming nations fills
Each throbbing hour with menaces to life,
I hear the voice of Progress! Strange indeed
The shadowed pathways that lead up to light.
But as a runner sometimes will recede
That he may so accumulate his might,
Then with a will that needs must be obeyed
Rushes resistless to the goal with ease,
So the whole world seems now to retrograde,
Slips back to war, that it may speed to peace;
And in that backward step it gathers force
For the triumphant finish of its course.

=

The Horrible Hoax of War

When pundits strictly tell their mob to hate,
Or somehow use each issue to fuel fright,
Or in a chapel shout, "We mustn't wait!
The wretched hogs might trap us! Time to fight!",
We'd wince at the inept force of this bait.
This way can't heal those hearts or make life stronger;
As all the noble diplomats shall state,
"Peace is not swift at all, and war's much longer".
Men store a healthy stash of candid rage,
A widow airs dislike with every glare,
But for this genesis, we need this age
Of humble cheer - not panic or despair!
Though instant tenderness now should be awesome,
This epic miracle needs love to blossom.

[The sonnet contains the 7 Heavenly Virtues (chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness and humility) in such a way that they display the peace sign:]

When pundits strictly tell their mob to hate,
Or somehow use each issue to fuel fright,
Or in a chapel shout, "We mustn't wait!
The wretched hogs might trap us! Time to fight!",
We'd wince at the inept force of this bait.
This way can't heal those hearts or make life stronger;
As all the noble diplomats shall state,
"Peace is not swift at all, and war's much longer".
Men store a healthy stash of candid rage,
A widow airs dislike with every glare,
But for this genesis, we need this age
Of humble cheer - not panic or despair!
Though instant tenderness now should be awesome,
This epic miracle needs love to blossom.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE RULE BIBLE FOR GUYS
Rules from Men to Women

Men are NOT mind readers.

Learn to shift the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You never hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Sunday sport. It's like Time and the Changing of the Tides. Let it be.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let's be very clear about this. Subtle hints don't work on men; neither do big hints, neither do obvious hints. Just say it!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable replies to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you require our help solving it. That's what men do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

Anything we said three months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments may become null and void after a maximum of seven days.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

If something we've said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you'd like it done. Never both. If you already know the best way of doing it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say anything you have to say during the commercial breaks.

Christopher Columbus did NOT need to ask directions and neither do we.

ALL men see in only sixteen colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Aubergine is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it'll be scratched. Men do that.

If a man asks what's wrong and you reply 'nothing,' he'll act like nothing's wrong. He probably realizes you're fibbing, but it just isn't worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you might not want to hear.

If we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you're wearing is fine... Really.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you're prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor racing.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

I'm in shape. Round IS a shape!

A headache that lasts for eighteen months is a problem. See a doctor.

Beer is as enticing for us as handbags are for you.

Kindly remember these rules.
=

Rules - Men to Men:

Any man who takes a camera to a bachelor party may be lawfully killed and possibly eaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is quite okay for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
As soon as he sees Jennifer Aniston start to undo her blouse b) After wrecking your boss's Ferrari c) When your date is using her teeth

Unless he killed someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within twelve hours.

If you've known a guy for over twenty-four hours, his sister is out of bounds forever, unless you actually marry her.

The standard time you should have to wait for a guy who is running late is around six minutes. The longest waiting time allowed is seven minutes

Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, it is okay to moan at will if the temperature is too warm.

No man shall ever be expected to buy a birthday present for another man. (Even just knowing your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)

When coming upon some other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you should never ask who is playing.

Guys do not let their buddies wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

If another man's zipper is down, that is his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.

Women who say they "love to watch sport" should be treated as spies until they demonstrate a detailed knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

If you compliment a guy on his 'exquisite six-pack', you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

Phrases that may not be uttered directly to another man while he's lifting weights: a) Push it harder, sweet cheeks! b) Give me one more - now! c) One last set and we can hit the showers! d) Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?

Don't ever talk to a man in a toilet unless you are on an equal footing, i.e: both peeing, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation that is needed.

When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a way that also gives you no chance of hooking up either.

Thanks for reading this.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
PRIVATE DANCER
A song by Tina Turner

All the men come in these places
And the men are all the same
You don't look at their faces
And you don't ask their names

You don't think of them as human
You don't think of them at all
You keep your mind on the money
Keeping your eyes on the wall

I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
I'll do what you want me to do
I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
And any old music will do

I wanna make a million dollars
I wanna live out by the sea
Have a husband and some children
Yeah, I guess I want a family

All the men come in these places
And the men are all the same
You don't look at their faces
And you don't ask their names

I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
I'll do what you want me to do
I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
And any old music will do

I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
I'll do what you want me to do
Just a private dancer, a dancer for money
And any old music will do

Deutsch marks or dollars
American Express will do nicely, thank you
Let me loosen up your collar
Tell me, do you wanna see me do the shimmy again?

I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
I'll do what you want me to do
Just a private dancer, a dancer for money
And any old music will do

All the men come in these places
And the men are all the same
You don't look at their faces
And you don't ask their names

You don't think of them as human
No, you don't think of them at all
You keep your mind on the money
Keeping your eyes on the wall

I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
I'll do what you want me to do
I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
And any old music will do
(repeat and fade...)

=

PRIVATE DANCER
(Military two-step)

I'm a bored and lonely guardsman
In a dull old sentry box
Here outside the royal palace
Where I'm stood up like a rock

And the minutes really drag on
And you may not move or talk
And the folk outside the palace
Come to look and shout and gawk

They call me Private Dancer and say I'm a fool, 'cause
I played out my own kooky joke
Instead of a slow march I did pirouettes
To entertain all of you folk

They all say I'm in deep doodah
Yeah, and danced well out of line
My superiors are furious
And I could incur a fine

Or they may dole out a sentence
In a military jail
'Cause I'm trendin' now on YouTube
And I'm in the Daily Mail

I'm known as Private Dancer oh, man, it's not funny
And now I am stuck with the name
Private Dancer, he danced when on duty
And that's my one mad claim to fame

(Chorus)
Hey, Private Dancer, one mad, mental moment
May mean your career has to end,
Private Dancer, what unholy torment
Oh, you never meant to offend.

No euro or dollar
Could allay the sorrow that makes my emotions so raw
And, oh, I feel really hollow
Lemme tell you, I'll not shimmy on duty no more

(Chorus)
Hey, Private Dancer, one mad mental moment
May mean your career has to end
Private Dancer, what unholy torment
Oh, you never meant to offend.

All my life I'm true and loyal
(Damned unusual these days!)
Loyal to you kooky Royals
And if we sever our ways

Hell, I'll duly keep on prancing
Who knows, in another year?
I may do 'Strictly Come Dancing'
And have me a new career.

As a champion dancer, a dancer for money,
Don't mind any music you use,
A champion dancer, a dancer for money's
What I am intended to do. Ha!
(repeat and end)

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Anagrammy Placegetters for September 2014

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

THE LONG CATEGORY

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

THE RUDE CATEGORY