Anagrammy Placegetters for October 2016

All the highly-placed anagrams from the October 2016 Anagrammy Awards.

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THE GENERAL CATEGORY

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
Simon and Garfunkel Hits Collection ~
does contain enthralling folk music.

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Famous pieces:
1. Mona Lisa
2. Starry Night
3. The Last Supper
=
1. A pleasant smile
2. Ah, Saint-Rimy
3. Upset of Christ's group

3rd - Rosie Perera with:
How do you solve a problem like Maria? =
Obvious: allow her ample Do-Re-Mi, okay?

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:

Donald Trump's presidential campaign
=
Man's a liar peddling crap to stupid men.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Samsung's ceased production of its Galaxy Note Seven ~
over suggestions it's unsafe, can explode, and may cost.

3rd - Adie Pena with:
'Trick or Treat' costumes for Halloween =
Witch, skeleton, or a creature from "Lost"

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Julian Lofts with:
Melodist Stephen Sondheim =
He's penned some hits, I'm told.

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The United States of America =
A frenetic madhouse, I attest.

2nd - Ellie Dent with:
The Rosetta Spacecraft =
Each test reports a fact.

3rd - Jason Lofts with:
Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phone device =
Giant snag - "Seven" may explode. Ouch!

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Josiah Winslow with:
TRUMP (n): a valuable resource that may be used, especially as a surprise, in order to gain an advantage.
=
TRUMP: a vulgar, audacious, easily angered, not reasonable Republican that may serve as a President.

2nd - Ellie Dent with:
Young Buddy was sitting on a bench
in the park eating a large chocolate
bar. The man sitting next to him
looked over and said:
=
'Look at that - choc can be light,
yet a toxin.'

'No. Take my great Grandpa...
lived to a hundred.'

'A big eater?'

'No. Minding his own business.'

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
LONDON'S TOP ATTRACTIONS HERE
1. Studio Tour - The Making of Harry Potter
2. The Coca Cola London Eye
3. Madame Tussauds Waxworks
=
1. A magic experience, so partake today!
2. Monstrous outdoor Ferris Wheel that turns slow
3. Do look at that uncanny match! So odd.

2nd - David Bourke with:
Rosalina, a pretty young lass
Had a truly magnificent ass:
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
=
Clinton's a serpent, I'd say.
(Her husband's a stud...bonks away!)
Kinda easy to pillory,
Nagging, arrogant Hillary,
And so guarantee Trump a soft day!

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:

Rosalina, a pretty young lass
Had a truly magnificent ass:
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass

=

A defiant guy stupidly roared
He was "spunky" and had "balls galore",
But a nasty aspirant,
As an orange, gross tyrant,
Is only a dick, nothing more.

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st (eq) -

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
William Shakespeare's Sonnet No. Fifty-Five

Not marble, nor the gilded monuments
Of princes, shall outlive this powerful rhyme;
But you shall shine more bright in these contents
Than unswept stone, besmear'd with sluttish time.
When wasteful war shall statues overturn,
And broils root out the work of masonry,
Nor Mars his sword nor war's quick fire shall burn
The living record of your memory.
'Gainst death and all-oblivious enmity
Shall you pace forth; your praise shall still find room
Even in the eyes of all posterity
That wear this world out to the ending doom.
So, till the judgment that yourself arise,
You live in this, and dwell in lovers' eyes.

=

What tyranny would end hope in our world very soon?

Shall war upset our thorny harmony
Or will that frothy wave inter us all?
Shall monstrous beasts strain the monotony
Or will these wholesome angels make us fall?
Will scientific yearnings stretch their limits
Or will we all be killed by 'subprime' vendors?
Might every strong fume hide this sun and dim it
Or may the sun itself enflame Earth's splendors?
Is it true that our pet will tell us "stuff it"
Or that quite soon, those robots might revolt?
Can everyone be hurt by plagues and snuff it
Or shriek and shudder in one seismic jolt?
If one of them hits home, rely on love
And wait as pious Noah for a dove.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
CURTAIN RODS

On the first day, she sadly packed her possessions into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had all her belongings taken away by a removal company.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful teak dining-room table. She put on some soothing background music and dined alone by candlelight on a plate of shrimps, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into every room and inserted a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and, with a final 'goodbye' left the house.

On the fourth day, the husband moved in with his new girlfriend, and at first it was all beautiful harmony.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the whole house.

The vents were thoroughly checked for dead rodents, and all the carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to fumigate the whole house, during which time the two lovebirds had to move out for several days. They even paid to have their expensive wool carpeting replaced. But nothing they tried worked. The house still reeked.

Suddenly, people stopped coming to call.

Repairmen refused to do any work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not bear the smell any longer and decided they had to move out. But a month later - even though they'd cut the price by a half - they still could not find a buyer for such a smelly house.

Word began to spread, and in time even the local realtors refused to visit or to return their calls.

Unable to wait a moment longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a really enormous sum of money from their bank to buy a new house.

Then the ex-wife called the man and enquired how things were going. He told her the grim story of the stinking house. She listened quietly and replied that she was missing her old home terribly and would be quite prepared to reduce her final divorce settlement in exchange for buying back the house she loved.

Knowing she could have no possible idea of how awful this smell was, he accepted her offer and settled on a sale figure that was a tenth of what the property had initially been priced at ... but only if she signed the papers that same day.

She concurred, and within two hours her lawyer delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the ex-husband and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched a moving company pack their possessions to take to their new abode.

And, just to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods.

I just love a happy ending, don't you?

=

Charles and Helen Stevens weren't able to conceive children and eventually decided to use the services of a surrogate father to kick-start their family.

On the day that the proxy father was due to arrive, Charles kissed his wife and said, 'I'm off to work now. The man should be here shortly.'

Half an hour later, by chance, a travelling baby-photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to clinch a sale on the off-chance. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I have come to...'

'There's no need to explain,' the embarrassed Helen cut in; 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's, er... good. Did you know that babies were my specialty, then?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped,' blushed Helen. 'Please come in and have a seat!

'Well,' she said, awkwardly, 'where do we... start?'

'Just leave everything to me,' he said, 'I normally try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed after. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Goodness me! Bathtub, the living room floor? No wonder it has never worked out for Charles and me!'

'I must stress that none of us can guarantee a successful one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be highly delighted with the results.'

'Gosh, that's rather a lot!' gasped Helen.

'Well, in my line of work a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' muttered Helen wryly.

The photographer then opened his briefcase and extracted a portfolio of his baby pictures.

'This one here was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Good heavens!' Helen exclaimed, clutching her throat.

'And these twins turned out extremely well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'Difficult?' asked Helen.

'She certainly was. In the end I had to suggest taking her to the park to get the job done right. The people were crowding round four and five deep to get a decent look.'

'Four and five deep?' gasped Helen, her eyes wide with disbelief.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours! The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Then, when some squirrels suddenly began nibbling my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Helen leaned forward. 'Huh? They actually chewed on your... equipment?'

'Sure did; that was a dreadful event. Right; if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod and we can get to work straight away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes,' he stressed, 'I need a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long.'

And that's when Helen fainted.

3rd - Christopher Sturdy with:
The Wayfarer by Patrick Pearse

The beauty of the world hath made me sad,
This beauty that will pass;
Sometimes my heart hath shaken with great joy
To see a leaping squirrel in a tree,
Or a red lady-bird upon a stalk,
Or little rabbits in a field at evening,
Lit by a slanting sun,
Or some green hill where shadows drifted by
Some quiet hill where mountainy man hath sown
And soon would reap; near to the gate of Heaven;
Or children with bare feet upon the sands
Of some ebbed sea, or playing on the streets
Of little towns in Connacht,
Things young and happy.

And then my heart hath told me:
These will pass,
Will pass and change, will die and be no more,
Things bright and green, things young and happy;
And I have gone upon my way
Sorrowful.

=

Helping Hand

The sun is heat, and it is light
Then we saw a milestone of sorts;
The moment came when thirteen years had passed on
And the brilliant passion of my twenties
Felt long ago.
I recall a poem, which has three lines I want all to hear:
"Some Green Hill where shadows drifted by
Some quiet hill where mountainy man hath sown
And soon would reap; near to the gate of Heaven"
They beautifully resemble a resting place
That father has grown to love
A garden with his fabulous green fingers
And people see a quirky anagram
They just about understand.

Don't be drawn in by my story:
Everybody has highs and lows.
Tea and sympathy help distract
A girl or two and a boy in plight.
Grab that opportunity and be kind; be kind
Properly

THE RUDE CATEGORY

1st - Jason Lofts with:
The US presidential candidate Donald Trump =
~~He is an adept and trim leader~~. Stupid old cunt!

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Donald Trump (on women): "Grab 'em by the pussy" =
Pardon me, lady, but why not grope men's bums?

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The female's vaginal opening =
Given a hell of a penis-magnet!