Anagrammy Placegetters for April 2018

All the highly-placed anagrams from the April 2018 Anagrammy Awards.

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THE GENERAL CATEGORY

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Adie Pena with:
The sexual predator Cosby =
Yes, Doctor Huxtable rapes.

2nd - Jesse Frankovich with:
"I'm Edward Scott Pruitt," ~
stated corrupt dimwit.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
North Korea's Kim Jong-un has met President Moon Jae-in =
Top men join in handshake to its major 'no nukes' merger

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
The USA travel website company Trip Advisor =
Writes about, and maps, every crap hotel visit.

2nd - View with:
Dia de Muertos =
Our dead's time.

3rd - Jesse Frankovich with:
The US Environmental Protection Agency =
No one even in charge... namely Scott Pruitt.

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Ellie Dent with:
This Tortoise family goes to a cafe and orders various icecreams.
Pa: 'Why, now it's raining! Ted, son, go fetch the golf umbrella.'
~
Hours later, still no sign of Ted.
Ma: 'Gee, awful shame. Carry on: first, eat his ice cream.'
Voice by door gasps: 'Fine. Do that. I won't go!'

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:

The three different goddesses who made the worst decision on earth by marrying Donald John Trump:

1. Ivana
2. Marla
3. Melania

=

Main reason he divorced them:

1. Was forty-something;
2. Preferred a new man (her bodyguard);
3. Does not mind at all that he's in jail.

3rd - Adie Pena with:
Attorney Michael Cohen's three clients:
1. Donald Trump
2. Elliott Broidy
3. Sean Hannity
=
All here had an illicit lay:
1. The bitter U.S. President
2. Tycoon/RNC money man
3. Noted host.

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
A young girl, Vanessa, started work in the village pharmacy. She was fine carrying out most of the staff duties but was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked her if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. Vanessa felt she had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Don't be embarrassed," he said. "My regular customers never actually ask for condoms. They'll only ask you for either a 300 - small, a 310 - medium, or a 320 - large. The word condom won't even be used.

The first day everything was fine, but on the second day a large, swarthy man came in, put out his hand and said "350".

This threw Vanessa into total panic, so she anxiously phoned the owner and explained her predicament.

"Right, Vanessa; go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket dangling between his legs," the boss told her.

Vanessa quietly peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between the man's legs.

"Yes!" she said "There is one hanging there!"

The boss said "Right, go back in and give him £3.50. He's the window cleaner!"

=

Hugo and Gwen are flying on vacation to Australia to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary.

Suddenly, the Captain's voice comes over the PA system: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm afraid I've some bad news. Our engines have stopped functioning, which means we'll have to try an emergency landing.

"I see an uncharted island below me; we should be able to circle and land on the beach, but chances are we may never be rescued and will have to stay on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the crew, the plane lands safely on the beach.

A while later, Hugo turns to his wife and says, "Did you happen to pay our £350 Visa Card bill this month?"

"Oh no, I forgot!" she gasps.

Hugo, still shaken up from the crash landing, then asks, "Did you pay the £325 we owe to Mastercard?"

"Oh, no!" she sobs, "I’m sorry. Somehow, I forgot to send the cheque."

"One last thing Gwen: Did you remember to pay our £13,000 tax bill?" he asks anxiously.

"Oh, heck! Forgive me," begs Gwen. "I didn’t do that either."

Hugo grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 30 years. Gwen draws back and asks, "What was that for?"

"Honey," answers Hugo: "They’ll find us!"

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Top Ten Visual Masterpieces (courtesy of various art critics):

1. Mona Lisa
2. Girl with a Pearl Earring
3. The Birth of Venus
4. The Starry Night
5. Arrangement in Grey and Black
6. The Kiss
7. The Arnolfini Portrait
8. The Garden of Earthly Delights
9. A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte
10. Les Demoiselles d'Avignon
=
Artistry:

1. Da Vinci - Innate flirting
2. Vermeer - Retain that turn in headgear
3. Botticelli - Goddess in a seashell
4. Van Gogh - Horror of nightfall in asylum
5. Whistler - Mother
6. Klimt - Tenderness
7. Van Eyck - Proposal and oath
8. Bosch - Degenerate afterlife
9. Seurat - Jaunty gathering
10. Picasso - An array of ladies? No, prostitutes!

3rd - Julian Lofts with:
Various Famous People Who Were Named Either Louis or Lou

1. TOMLINSON
2. ARMSTRONG
3. GEHRIG
4. LORD MOUNTBATTEN
5. VUITTON
6. LOUIS THE FOURTEENTH OF FRANCE (also known as LE GRAND)
7. LOUIS XVI
8. BRAILLE
9. PASTEUR
10. B. MAYER
11. DONALDSON
12. LOUIS C.K.
13. DE BERNIERES
14. CAPTAIN ZAMPERINI
15. FARRAKHAN Sr. (he was born WALCOTT)
16. REED
=
Work/Career
1. A musician
2. One renowned trumpeter
3. First baseman
4. Earl of Burma
5. Fashion
6. Sun King
7. Last King
8. To help our blind see
9. Laboratory biologist
10. Film producer
11. Alto saxophonist
12. Shrewd humor
13. Novelist, raconteur
14. An athlete, POW, hero
15. Zealous Nation of Islam leader
16. Was in Velvet Underground.

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Shakespeare's Sonnet No. 163

From fairest creatures we desire increase,
But wherefore do not you a mightier way
To sharply jinx a dozen squealing geese?
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May;
Is it for fear to wet a widow's eye
And sable curls all silver'd o'er with white,
Leaving thee living in posterity
To change your day of youth to sullied night?
That this huge stage presenteth nought but shows
When I behold the violet past prime
Makes me declare I shall reform your nose -
And do whate'er thou wilt, swift-footed Time;
Still sane, her northern ferrets never cry -
It's highly clear the end was likely nigh.

=

The Hawaiian Holiday of Easter

The aloe ferns grow high when Winter dies
In icy Honolulu everywhere;
Till nearly April 31st, they'd rise
On tropic moors so stuffed with Tundra bears.
Near houses decked with wreaths, the Solstice singers
Sing each of Oprah's festive tunes with glee,
Then read Neruda's book of springtime zingers
And eat that Nordic treat of buns with ghee.
Hear every kid's exploding Easter egg,
Then idly waste this Tuesday holiday;
Enjoy the emu's 6th flight - but I beg:
Please, have no fear of liquid Summer rays;
Once every tomtit growls, I know too well
No ray would melt our Terra's metal shell.

2nd - Adie Pena with:
TO MY BROTHER
by Siegfried Sassoon

Give me your hand, my brother, search my face;
Look in these eyes lest I should think of shame;
For we have made an end of all things base.
We are returning by the road we came.
Your lot is with the ghosts of soldiers dead,
And I am in the field where men must fight.
But in the gloom I see your laurell’d head
And through your victory I shall win the light.
=
HELLO TO THE BIG WINNER
by Everybody at the Forum

Formalities aside, oh, you are the best!
Often I think they'll overshadow you.
Many anagrammatists and the whole rest,
Dark grey clouds weigh heavier, highly blue.
Starry-eyed audience, I should here confess:
Mona and her fogged smile lost their worth.
A crumbling ego with noms made useless;
Amiss in the end, I hold fifth or fourth!

THE RUDE CATEGORY

1st - Christopher Sturdy with:
Tell me what you are thinking about right now. =

How unlikely I am to get a turn to bang with her...

2nd - Julian Lofts with:
Those tall Miami cheerleaders =
He admires all their cameltoes.

3rd - Jesse Frankovich with:
Afternoon delight =
Often do a girl then.