Anagrammy Placegetters for May 2018

All the highly-placed anagrams from the May 2018 Anagrammy Awards.

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THE GENERAL CATEGORY

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Rik with:
The Royal Wedding =
Worthy gal, indeed.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Donald now rethinks that USA-Korea Summit =
"Turns out 'Kim' was not the Kardashian model!"

3rd - Brian Taylor with:
Some side effects of the drug Ambien can include ~
custom-made defence of unhinged racist beliefs.

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Ellie Dent with:
Robber pulls out a gun, points it at Mike by the banks counter, and says: "Just give me all the cash here, dude, or you’re geography!"
~
Mike, sharp as ever, replies: "But do you not mean, like, You're history?" The burglar, but a young lad, gasps: "Don't change the subject!"

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Hey, I think I lost control.
I fear I've got no home or space,
and I bet there's no escape...
=
In short, this keyboard is one ancient piece of crap. I'll have to get some other one!

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
"My dad is Caucasian, and my mom is African American. I'm half black and half white. Being biracial paints a blurred line that is equal parts staggering and illuminating" - Meghan Markle
=
"I'm candid and pragmatic. I willingly chip in. I embrace feminism and regard all human life as equal. But, my, I can't abide anagram cranks."
(All this has but a single 'O' in. Anagram that - freaks!)

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"My dad is Caucasian, and my mom is African American. I'm half black and half white. Being biracial paints a blurred line that is equal parts staggering and illuminating" - Meghan Markle
=
"Dad is a parasite and mum Camilla is in fact a talking mare. I'm both a rich man and a bad welfare case. Being a blatant English gimmick is equally amusing, thrilling and fun!" - Prince Harry

3rd - David Bourke with:
My dad is Caucasian, and my mom is African American. I'm half black and half white. Being biracial paints a blurred line that is equal parts staggering and illuminating - Meghan Markle
=
I may be a bluff militaristic chap, and I am the Queen's grandson and all, but, alack, I am still a damn ginger! Man, I am a fucking GINGER! Balls am I Charles and Diana's...I'm a Hewitt!" - Prince Harry

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:

The 5 Most Ridiculous Conspiracy Theories

1. The Moon Landings Were Fake: Despite NASA refuting it with lots of evidence, this crap remains popular - presumably because the landings happened on waxing crescents and the astronauts would've slid right off.

2. Paul Is Dead: Multiple Beatles fans firmly maintain that Paul McCartney has been dead for years. In actuality, only his creativity is.

3. The Earth Is Flat: One of the most absurd beliefs of modern times. Its idiotic followers should be launched into orbit without a helmet and realize their mistake hardly a second before they plow into a satellite.

4. Nine-Eleven Was An Inside Job: Some childish hogwash about the horrific September attacks somehow orchestrated by G.W. Bush. Some detractors wisely pointed out that Bush was too incompetent to even deliver water to Katrina victims.

5. Reptilians Live Among Us: Strangely, a group of pinheads swears that lizard humanoids exist - and are enslaving people, too. If they think reptiles have higher brain functions, they clearly haven't met a pet iguana.

=

The 5 Most Ridiculous Conspiracy Theories Donald Trump Actually Believes In

1. Obama Isn't An American: Trump didn't believe the former president was born in the US until a birth certificate surfaced. It should be noted Trump is not a real citizen because the real ones pay taxes.

2. Voter Fraud Cost Him The Popular Vote: Sadly, despite winning the elections, it still won't satisfy him... But OK, if he wants to revoke those votes and have a do-over, we're totally game!

3. The Father Of His Rival Was Linked To The JFK Assassination: During the GOP primaries, he hinted that Ted Cruz's father was close to Lee Harvey Oswald. No word yet on Hillary's affair with Bigfoot or Obama's role in the Illuminati.

4. Obama Bugged His Phone: Trump also recently claimed the FBI planted a spy in his campaign. All debunked after it was reasoned that if any of his campaign schemes were caught on tape, he would not still be president.

5. Global Warming Is A Chinese Hoax: Yes, he seriously tweeted this insane nonsense... completely avoiding the fact that this Trump presidency is a Russian one.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Sharing in Marriage.

An elderly couple went into a diner.

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, fries and a drink.

He took the burger and cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the fries, dividing them into two piles and placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and set the cup down between them.

As he began to take small bites of the burger, their fellow diners were looking over and whispering, obviously thinking, 'Poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal between them.'

As the old man started to eat his fries a young guy came to the table and offered to buy them an extra meal. The old man said they were fine, they were used to sharing everything

Diners closer to their table noticed the old lady'd had zero to eat, not a scrap. She sat there watching her husband while occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy a meal for them.

The old woman said 'No thank you, we're used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face with the napkin, the young man came over to the old lady, who'd yet to eat a thing, and asked 'What is it you're waiting for?'

She answered...

'The teeth.'
=

Caring in Marriage.

Matt was sitting on the edge of the bed as his wife, Tina, studied herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not that far off, he asked what she fancied.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she sighed, still looking in the mirror.

On the day of her birthday, Matt got up early, made Tina a big bowl of Sugar Puffs, then took her along to the local theme park.

He put her on every ride in the park: the Roller Coaster; the Infinity Slide; Alien Rocket Attack; the Wall of Fear; Nausea Mountain; continuing on to the nightmarish Death Dodgem. Five hours of uninhibited fun!

When they eventually reeled out of the theme park, Tina's head was spinning and her stomach felt upside down.

Matt then took her to McDonald's and ordered her an afternoon Happy Meal with large fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with, a huge coke, an ice cream and a ton of popcorn.

Huge fun!

Finally, Tina wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed, completely wiped out. Matt leaned over her with a big grin and said, 'Well, honey, did you like being twelve again?'

Tina's eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'You bloody idiot - I meant my dress size!'

The moral of the story: Even when we guys are listening, we're gonna get it wrong!

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
On their way to get married, a fine young Catholic couple was unfortunately involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter turned up, they asked him. St. Peter replied: "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out", and he left. The couple sat and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While they were waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it did not work out; could you also get a divorce there in Heaven?
~
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, bedraggled and sweating. "Yes," he told the couple, "you can indeed definitely get married in Heaven." "Alleluia! Sweet!" said the couple, content. "But we were wondering; what if plans change somewhat? What if planned things turn out wrong, work out negatively? Could we also get a divorce, if wanted, in Heaven?" St. Peter, his divine, distinct face now positively puce, threw his clipboard onto the ground. "What is it, you seem so upset; what is it?" asked the couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter yelled with a hiss, "It took three months to find a priest up here! D'you have any idea how long it might take to attempt to find a lawyer??"

2nd - Tony Crafter with:

KISS THE BRIDE
By
Elton John

Well she looked a peach in the dress she made
When she was still her mama's little girl
And when she walked down the aisle everybody smiled
At her innocence and curls
And when the preacher said is there anyone here
Got a reason why they shouldn't wed
I should have stuck up my hand
I should have got up to stand
And this is what I should have said

I wanna kiss the bride yeah!
I wanna kiss the bride yeah!
Long before she met him
She was mine, mine, mine
Don't say I do
Say bye, bye, bye
And let me kiss the bride yeah!
I wanna kiss the bride yeah!

Underneath her veil I could see a tear
Trickling down her pretty face
And when she slipped on the ring I knew everything
Would never be the same again
But if the groom would have known he'd have had a fit
About his wife and the things we did
And what I planned to say
Yeah on her wedding day
Well I thought it but I kept it hid

I wanna kiss the bride yeah!
I wanna kiss the bride yeah!
Long before she met him
She was mine, mine, mine
Don't say I do
Say bye, bye, bye
And let me kiss the bride yeah!
I wanna kiss the bride yeah!
=

THE ONE I WIN?
Ernest Anguish

Well she looked a dream in her dress of white
As she walked down the chapel aisle alone;
And when she smiled at Harry, who she was there to marry,
Deep inside I heaved a groan;
And when they tied the knot, my breakin' heart died,
And my runnin' tears were burnin' hot.
Gee, why did she pick him?
Ok, he's dashing and trim,
But I've, like, tons of love to give.

She shoulda been my bride, bah!
She shoulda been my bride, bah!
Shakira could've had me
But she played hard to get,
Now another girl has slipped the net.
She shoulda been my bride, bah!
She shoulda been my bride, bah!

As I watched her on TV smilin' with glee,
I knew she was thinkin' of me,
Indeed, I'd sent her a pic, showin' I am in fine nick,
(Despite the face and bony knees)
With three hundred winning anagrams that I'd devised,
Can he do this? (I don't think so!)
Hey, kitten, waddya say?
Shall we leave right away?
Sweetie baby please agree.

Just leave the guy behind, yeah?
And then you can be mine, yeah?
My wife insists that she
Doesn't mind a bit
So let's say 'bye
And ride with it!
Then I'll whisk you away, yes?
Then I'll whisk you away, yes!

3rd - Rik with:
To the Moon
BY PERCY BYSSHE SHELLEY

Art thou pale for weariness
Of climbing heaven and gazing on the earth,
Wandering companionless
Among the stars that have a different birth, --
And ever changing, like a joyless eye
That finds no object worth its constancy?

=

For the Poet

Is it me, or are you flashy,
Abject, knobbly jargonizing at oh! the slightest chance;
Brainwashing with words none comprehended (trashy!) --
Affected, yet savvy at first glance?
Soon phoning in another able message,
And cannot even rhyme the last lines.

THE RUDE CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
The perilous dangers of masturbation =
A top orgasm to future blindness, I hear :(

2nd - Jesse Frankovich with:
A bit of the old in-and-out =
Ah, fun to do it a lot in bed!

3rd - Christopher Sturdy with:
Typical things a dog finds to eat =
Spilt food, a tiny egg and cat shit.