Anagrammy Placegetters for February 2020

All the highly-placed anagrams from the February 2020 Anagrammy Awards.

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THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st - Christopher Sturdy with:
Self-satisfaction =
Life's so fantastic!

2nd - Adrian Hickford with:
Listening to a cello =
Gentle oscillation.

3rd - Rosie Perera with:
A thousand monkeys randomly striking a typewriter =
Tiny drunk apes hit on keys to write anagrams. My Lord!

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Christopher Sturdy with:
The Acadamy Award for Best Actor in a Supporting Role. =
Brad Pitt secured an Oscar with a gem of a portrayal, no?

2nd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens =
Villains' tricks screwed the boy.

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
'Water Lilies, the Nymphéas' by Claude Monet =
Mellow, limpid beauty enchants eyes, heart.

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
Harvey Weinstein is found guilty of assault and rape =
A fiend used his status to prey on any naive girl. Awful.

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Bernie Sanders wins Nevada =
Banners waved in readiness.

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
Global virus outbreak =
Vigorous, brutal, bleak.

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
Harry and wife Meghan, The Duke and Duchess of Sussex =
Ex-HRHs say: "Sod the UK. We're chasing due fame and funds."

2nd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Charles Philip Arthur George Mountbatten-Windsor =
Should long mature heir apparent get British Crown?

3rd - Jesse Frankovich with:
Mayor Pete Buttigieg =
I eye gig to beat Trump.

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Palindrome Day 2020 =
Rapidly made on 02/02.

2nd - Micah Newman with:
Global Positioning System =
Spying is goal's bottom line.

3rd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Republic of Ireland =
Pitcher of Dubliner ale?

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The three US presidents that were officially impeached (but only by the House):

1. Bill Clinton
2. Andrew Johnson
3. Donald Trump

=

Why:

1. Slipped into Monica
2. Intended to fire the Secretary of War;
3. Nutjob; dumb; ruthless; he bluntly lies... (Oh, and the phonecall.)

2nd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The contenders for the Labour leadership:
1. Rebecca Long-Bailey
2. Lisa Nandy
3. Keir Starmer
4. Emily Thornberry
=

1. Corbyn acolyte
2. Smart northerner
3. Knighted liberal eerily ahead in polls
4. Fierce Barnsbury homesteader

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The ex-members of female pop group Girls Aloud
1. Cheryl Tweedy
2. Nadine Coyle
3. Kimberley Walsh
4. Sarah Harding
5. Nicola Roberts
=
1. The sexy siren
2. The more powerful singer
3. Chummy Bradford girl made good
4. Party babe; she really likes alcohol!
5. Wan, pale, nice

Eq1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
She gave me eyes, she gave me ears;
And humble cares, and delicate fears;
A heart, the fountain of sweet tears;
And love and thought and joy.
=
My mother gave me a chance at life,
Ha, a laughter season at seven;
But, jaded resentful years added strife;
Now she's gone ahead to heaven.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
She gave me eyes, she gave me ears;
And humble cares, and delicate fears;
A heart, the fountain of sweet tears;
And love and thought and joy.
=
A FATE A DATE
As saucy, sensual Tavia led
Me to her scented, unmade bed,
She gave herself with joy, not fear,

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
Two elderly ladies, Martha and Winifred are standing outside their nursing home having a sneaky smoke, when it begins to rain.

Martha whips open her handbag, pulls a condom out, cuts the end off it, puts the condom over her cigarette and continues smoking.

"Hey, Martha, what exactly is that?" says Winifred.

"It's a condom," Martha explains. "By doing this, I can happily smoke my cigarette and it doesn't even get damp."

"Okay... so, where did you get it?" asks her pal.

"Oh, you can buy them at any drugstore, Winnie. There is even one just here in the town."

The following day, Winifred makes her way down to the drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she would like to buy a pack of condoms.

The guy looks at her somewhat strangely (she is, after all, 81 years of age), but politely asks her what particular brand she'd like.

"Oh, it doesn't matter really," says Winifred, "as long as it fits a Camel."

=

A lad of 18 walks into a drugstore and announces to the male pharmacist: "I've been invited to dinner at my new girlfriend's house tomorrow. Afterwards, there's a chance I'll get lucky, if you know what I mean?"

"Well, I guess you'll want some condoms then," says the man, "they could come in useful. Here's a pack."

After paying, the young man walks to the door, hesitates, then crassly says: "You know what, I've met the mom and she's also smoking hot! I am tempted to take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky..."

The following day finds the boy sitting at the dinner table with his girlfriend and both her parents. Next thing, the mother asks if he'd like to say grace.

The boy complies, puts his head down and starts praying... and praying... and praying...

After a bit, the daughter leans over and whispers to him "I had no idea you were religious,"

The boy retorts, "I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist."

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:

We each took on the same name. Who are we?

1. The Bard's Juliet Wore Prada
2. I'm the Black-Eyed Duchess
3. Dr. Queen
4. Twelve Bullitts A Slave
5. I'm the magical orphan
6. I paint the essay
7. The Foreigner Clash
8. A Honeymooning Joffrey
9. She will join "Destiny's Creek"
10. Far From The Mad-Maxing Crowd

=

The Ten World-Famous Pairs who bear the same names are: [highlight the text below if you're ready to know the answer to the riddle]

1. Anne Hathaway
2. Fergie
3. Jane Seymour
4. Steve McQueen
5. David Copperfield
6. Francis Bacon
7. Mick Jones
8. Jack Gleeson
9. Michelle Williams
10. Thomas Hardy

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
What if canines could send text messages to their human friends?
BOL - Barking Out Loud
OMDT - Over My Dead Toy
HAW - Humans Are Watching
OMD - Oh My Dog
TTP - Talk To the Paw
ROFB - Rolling On the Floor Barking
SMB - Smell My Butt
WTF - Where's The Food?
~
FOMO - Freaking Out, Missing Owner
SMB - Scratch My Belly
TATT - Turn Around Three Times
OUTBD - Open Up The Back Door
GFW - Go For a Walk
GMA - Give Me Attention
FMOB - Found My Old Ball
DDTWTH - Dash Down To Water The Hydrant
OHIS - Ohh Hell, I'm Sexless!

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Love Sonnet XXVI

There is a secret all true lovers share,
A mystery none initiate ever names,
And none shall ever know whom love disclaims,
Whereby his votaries breathe a common air,
And know each other and themselves. Forbear,
Ye alien lives whom honest passion shames,
And ye whose bodily lust obscures and tames
The spirit's light, to seek an entrance there.
But ye whose body and soul have equal growth
And bear Love's blest baptismal mark in both,
Whether for joy the years seem scarce enough,
Or else to resignation doomed, but loth,
Approach Love's holy guild,and learn the oath,
Free of the secret brotherhood of Love.

=

My Proposal As A Sonnet

When I was brash and chasing thrills sublime,
I blamed each lover once that lark was over;
Like bourbon, love excited me each time -
Like bourbon, love seemed horrible when sober.
Yet, once I chose the road to growth instead,
One seamless Eve revised those harsh objections -
Unhealthy gripes no longer haunt this head;
My sour heart evolved and bore affection.
And as the heavens birth another day,
Red rays, as hot as an eternal flame,
Restore those lovely tones to Winter-Gray;
Your hopeful look of candor meant the same.
My somewhat novel verse shall do it best:
Express my love anew with this request.

2nd - Ellie Dent with:
JOKES... mainly short ones.

Did you hear about the first restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it's tearable.

I just watched a programme about beavers. It was the best dam programme I've ever seen.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

Did you hear about the baguette at the zoo? It was bread in captivity.

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Bad puns are how eye roll.

What do you call a can opener that's broken? A Can't opener.

Why did the farm scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant

What do you call a cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.

My friend has designed an invisible aeroplane, but I cannot see it taking off.

The shovel was a fine, ground-breaking invention.

Son: "Dad, did you get a haircut?" Dad: "No I got them all cut."

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

I wouldn't buy something with Velcro. It is a total rip-off.

Don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.

Wanna hear a joke about construction? I am still working on it.

I accidentally handed the wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't
talking to me.

This graveyard looks really overcrowded. I guess people must be dying to get in.

~

I built an electric fence around my garden. Now my objectionable neighbours are dead against
it.

Whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you are happier now.

Two goldfish are in a tank and one says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Guess what you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.

Son: "Dad, can you put on my black shoes?" Dad: "I'll persevere, son but they might not fit me."

The wife, bitter, childish too, accused me, me, outright of having zero empathy!! Have a
heart! How can she say that?? It's perverse. I don't get it.

What d'you call an over-fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

The wife asked if I was listening to her. Strange way to start a conversation.

To the blockhead in a wheelchair who stole that camouflage jacket: You can hide, jerk, but
you can't run.

I thought about participating in a healthier all-walnut diet. But that's altogether nuts.

"Dad, d'you know what a solar eclipse is?" "No sun."

Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they've got smart. Also got better
at it.

I do applaud the neighbourhood furniture store. It appears considerate, it keeps calling. But
bejabers, all that I had ever wanted was a one-night stand. Awkward.

Son asked: "Dad, can you put the cat out?" Dad: "Didn't know it was on fire."

The wife says I have two faults: I don't listen... and something else.

I was once paid a wage to work in a shoe recycling shop. I coped, but regretted it. It was a
strange, sole destroying experience.

My good wife told me to stop behaving like a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

Son: "I'll call you later, Dad." "Don't call me later, call me Dad."

BOOM! BOOM!

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
I offer the following Mathematical Limerick:

"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus five times eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more."

No good? How about the next one?
~
Qualms or no qualms, a sum unadvisedly
explained all in word form (vs. known visual aids):

"Integral zee squared dee zee
From one to the cube root of three
Times the cosine
Of three pi over nine
Is the log of the cube root of e."

Gasp!

THE RUDE CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
When the fart is 'Silent But Deadly' ~
there's subtle, yet fatal, hind-wind.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Penile odour =
Poodle-urine.

3rd - Adrian Hickford with:
Who called it a penis and not a pantyhose? =
I adopted 'the passion-cannon' all the way!