Anagrammy Placegetters for June 2010

All the highly-placed anagrams from the June 2010 Anagrammy Awards.

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THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
William Shakespeare's Antony and Cleopatra =
Snake poisons were lethal act in a play drama.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Sandro Botticelli's painting 'Primavera'. =
Vibrant art! Spring made poetical in oils.

3rd - Scott Gardner with:
English guitarist Pete Townshend ~
is The Who's reputed singing talent.

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Archbishop Tutu: a life force =
The Republic of South Africa.

2nd - View with:
Danica Sue Patrick =
Pick a car and use it

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
United States General Stanley McChrystal =
My last insane stunt gets called 'treachery'.

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - David Bourke with:
The World Cup football competition in South Africa =
To ruin it, blow off a loud, totemic, cheap plastic horn!

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Sun-filled New York =
Wonderful skyline!

3rd - Scott Gardner with:
British Petroleum Company =
My pipe burst; oil came north.

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - David Bourke with:
How to permanently silence the incessant droning of a vuvuzela horn =
Shove the thing into any convenient zulu fellow's rear, and scamper on!

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The helpful 'Catseyes' were invented by P. Shaw. The idea hit him when, driving home along a dark, foggy lane, he saw a lone cat, its ~
eyes aglow in the headlights. A gift!

So... say the cat'd been walking away from him? Would he have invented the pencil sharpener?

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Clear-eyed, we can understand that there will be war - and still strive for peace. (Obama, the US president)
=
We'd near a total Mideast peace pact when:

- Beavers learn to fly;
- Buddha's resurrected;
- It's winter in hell.

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
How Smart Are You?

1. You're participating in a race. You finally overtake the second person. What position are you in?

2. And if you just overtook the last person, then you are...?

3. Some very puzzling arithmetic! This must be calculated in your head only. Don't use a calculator or even paper and pencil for this.
Add 40 to 1000. Now add 1000. Add 30 more. Add 1000. Now add 20 more. Add another 1000. Add 10 more. What is the total?

4. Mary's father had five lovely daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono... What's the name of the fifth daughter?

5. A mute person goes into some shop to buy himself a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and manages to buy it.
Then a blind man comes into the shop and wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how would HE indicate what he wants?

Answers to the quiz:

1. If you answered that you're first, then you're absolutely WRONG! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, YOU'RE in second place.

2. If you answered you're second to last, then you're WRONG again. How can you overtake the LAST person?!

3. Did you get 5000? It's not very accurate... The correct answer is actually 4100.

4. Did you Answer Nunu? No! Of course it's incorrect. Her name is Mary. Read this question again!

5. It's very simple, really: He opens his mouth and ask for it...

=

How Stupid Are You?

Choose an answer for each question, then add up the numbers to determine your stupidity level:

The capital of Greece is...

1. Dwindling.
2. Athens.
3. G.
4. "Saturday Night Fever" is a lot more fun.

What's the opposite of Apathy?

1. I don't care.
2. Interest.
3. Cherokee.
4. A-dead-end-y?

Who's known as the discoverer of America?

1. Neanderthals.
2. Christopher Columbus.
3. Americus Gazpacho.
4. Captain Crunch.

Who's buried in Grant's Tomb?

1. The man who invented this "joke", hopefully.
2. Ulysses S. Grant.
3. I need more information.
4. Which one of them?

Let's say I wed your cousin and I have a cousin too; then he is...

1. Not wanted on Thanksgiving.
2. My cousin-in-law's cousin.
3. A next of kin of sorts.
4. We can't both be married to my cousin!

Let's add up your points:

5-7: You possess a negative amount of stupidity. You're a constant smartass who has no energy to try this unneeded test. Go read Kafka or something.

8-12: You have zero stupidity and answered almost every question in the test correctly. Well done, you are duller than a fourth grade history teacher. You are the person that often tells everyone when 'whom' should be used.

13-19: You maintain a healthy amount of stupidity. You are a failure, fall down a lot and are a real hazard to yourself and to others. You are probably a pet psychic.

20: You are Sarah Palin.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A fourteen-year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall for the first time.

They found they were perplexed by everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that would move apart and slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Oh, Father! What do you think this is?"

His father (hitherto, never having seen an elevator) replied, "Ah, I have never beheld anything like it in my life;" He scratched his beard, paused, then he added, "Good son, I fear I do not know what this is."

While the awestruck boy and his befuddled father were watching, a fat old lady waddled up and pressed a button. In a while, the walls opened, and she headed through them into a small room. Suddenly, the walls slid shut again, and the boy and his father watched as the outer numbers above lit up sequentially. They continued to watch as it reached the highest number, and then the digits began to light up in the reverse order.

Suddenly, the walls whooshed open again and a gorgeous 18-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, whispered quietly to his son...

"Jethro, go get your mother."

=

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

One morning, the girl asked if she could take a bath. The wife told her they didn't have a proper bath but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire...

"Monday night's best, when my husband plays darts," she said. So the girl agreed to take a bath the following Monday....

After the man had gone to the pub to play darts, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl stripped off. She was quite surprised to note that the girl didn't have any pubic hair, and she told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a little gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."

The following Monday, as the girl was getting undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Have you got any?"

"Why, yes," replied the woman, and displayed her hairy thatch.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife enquired, "Well? Did you see it?"

"Yes," he replied, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
SHERLOCK HOLMES AND DR. WATSON IN A HOT-AIR BALLOON

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are taking a trip across a desert by hot-air balloon.

There are very few landmarks; and eventually, inevitably they become lost.

Luckily, while flying quite low, they see a man. Holmes shouts, 'Sir, could you please tell me where we are?'

The man looks up, ponders for a moment, and then answers, 'Gentlemen, you are in a hot-air balloon!'

At this moment, a burst of wind picks up the balloon and carries it far away.

=

Sherlock Holmes turns and asks: 'My dear old pal, do you know who that man is?'

'No no, Holmes, of course not. Enlighten me.'

'He's a mathematician.'

'That's quite remarkable! Brilliant! But *how* do you know?'

'Elementary,' says Holmes, drily.

'Look, it's apparent overall he's an intellectual and a rational man. He deliberately took a brief time to ponder our problem before answering.

Secondly, his answer was absolutely correct.

Thirdly and finally, the answer he gave was of no practical use whatsoever.'

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Anne Bradstreet Poem, "The Author to her Book" (the first verses)

2nd - Ellie Dent with:
Dryden Quote Anagrammed Into Eight Sherlock Holmes Stories

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
THE GOLFING NUN

A nun walked into Mother Superior's office and plunked down into a chair. She let out a heavy sigh.

'What troubles you, Sister Cecelia?' asked the Mother Superior... 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It is,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Jesus.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior concurred. 'So, I take it your day of joyous recreation was not relaxing?'

'Joyous? Far from it,' groaned the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness me!' gasped the Mother Superior. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the eighth tee, and this hole is a monster, Mother... a five-hundred-and-forty-yard par-five, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green ... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I chose ... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that did not make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it! While I'm still trying to fathom what had happened, a squirrel jumps out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that could make me blaspheme!' sympathised the Mother.

'But I did not, Mother!' cried the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I'm pondering whether it's a sign from God, a hawk swoops out of the sky, grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So, that is when you cursed,' said the other with a knowing smile.

'No, that wasn't it either,' she cried, 'because, as the hawk was flying out of sight, the squirrel began to struggle and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball pinged out of his paws and rolled to about eighteen inches from the hole!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said ....

'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?'

=

THE GOLFING ASSASSIN.

Two old friends were just about to tee off at their local golf course when a man carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're very welcome.' So, with that, they started playing and they enjoyed the game, as well as the stranger's company.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'Well, I'm a... professional hit man. I carry out assassinations,' was the somewhat embarrassed reply.

'What? You are kidding, right?' they responded, flabbergasted.

'No, I'm not,' he said, delving into his golf bag, and pulling out an impressive sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'And to prove it, this is my equipment.'

'Wow, that's a beautiful telescopic sight,' whistled the other friend. 'Mind if I take a look? I think I might be able to spot my house from here.'

He picked up the rifle and looked westwards through the sight, towards the direction of his house.

'Yep, I can see my house all right. Wow, this sight's terrific! I can view right in through the windows. And there's my wife in the front bedroom...! I can see that she's stark naked... W'wait a minute,' he stuttered, 'that's my neighbour in there with her... Lord! He's undressed as well!' He turned to the hit man, 'Right,' he huffed, 'that's it! How much would you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a standard flat rate for you - a thousand dollars, plus tax, every time I pull the trigger.'

'Will you liquidate both of them for me right now?'

'Ok,' he nodded, 'what are your requirements?'

'First, shoot my wife. She's always been a bigmouth, so take her square in the mouth. Then, that sex-mad neighbour who's supposed to be my friend - shoot his worthless dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man nodded, 'I understand'. He lifted the rifle, composed himself, then started to take aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Well? Are you going to do it or not?' asked the frustrated friend.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I may be able to save you a grand here...'

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Anagrammy Placegetters for June 2010

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

THE LONG CATEGORY

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

THE RUDE CATEGORY