Anagrammy Placegetters for January 2012

All the highly-placed anagrams from the January 2012 Anagrammy Awards.

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THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st - Rick Rothstein with:
A lot of sins, hence... ~
the Confessional.

2nd - View with:
Absolution =
Obtain soul

3rd - nedesto with:
71% of women usually do think their asses are damn big ~
but 17%, if so asked, would nonetheless marry him again!

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - nedesto with:
British scientist Stephen William Hawking =
Knew spacetime with his brilliant insights.

2nd - Christopher Sturdy with:
Francesco Schettino =
Fronts chaotic scene

Eq3rd - Ivan Andonov with:
USA actor Christopher Allen Lloyd =
So, I'll launch three "Doc" portrayals.

Eq3rd - Adie Pena with:
Santorum =
Mr. USA? NOT!

Eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Chat-show host Piers Stefan Pughe-Morgan =
Smug, hot-air chap; often presents hogwash

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - nedesto with:
The Superior called the sisters together informing them in dismay, "And, as of now, we have a case of gonorrhea in the convent!"
=
"Yes! Praise Heaven!" sang a nun coming over to the front of the room as she cheered, "We're so tired of swilling that damn Chianti!"

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Simplified Commandments:

- One God.
- No idols.
- Honor His name, the Sabbath and your parents.
- Don't kill, cheat, steal, lie or covet.
=
Online Code:

- Honor all porn.
- Share LOLCats.
- Bid on dumb trash.
- See a mad video and comment on it.
- tyep somethign fast
- 'Like' this!!!

3rd - Adie Pena with:
Youth is when you are allowed to stay up late on New Yearâ€™s Eve. Middle age is when youâ€™re forced to. [Bill Vaughn]
=
Old age is when you go to a 'how-cheerful-but-damn-noisy' New Year's Eve party, and you're wheeled out STILL ALIVE!

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Rosie Perera with:
"This plot is the best I have seen all my life
For it raises the flowers and covers my wife"
=
I've always been selfish;
So I'm sad, left to rot.
I never was perfect;
My, this hellfire is hot!

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
"This plot is the best I have seen all my life
For it raises the flowers and covers my wife"
=
THE IRISH DENTIST

Somewhere below
Safe in repose
M. F. O'Flavertey
Fills his last cavity

3rd - Rob Bretveld with:
"This plot is the best I have seen all my life
For it raises the flowers and covers my wife"
=
A Fat Worthless Tomb:

I say a writer never dies,
He effectively loses himself in his plot.

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE HOTTEST WOMEN OF ALL TIME.
(As voted by 'Men's Health' magazine)

1. Jennifer Aniston
2. Raquel Welch
3. Marilyn Monroe
4. Britney Spears
5. Madonna
6. Ursula Andress
7. Bettie Page
8. Pamela Anderson
9. Jane Fonda
10. Angelina Jolie
11. Sharon Stone
12. Scarlett Johansson
13. Catherine Deneuve
14. Megan Fox
15. Jenny McCarthy
16. Christie Brinkley
17. Anna Nicole Smith
18. Shakira
19. Heather Locklear
20. Heidi Klum
=
1. Because she's worth it!
2. A caveman's moll
3. The blonde gentlemen preferred
4. A little nuts?
5. Like a virgin? Er... no
6. Left James Bond shaken and stirred
7. Oh... Huh?
8. Inane Amazon
9. aka 'Hanoi Jane'
10. "My enemy!" (Jennifer Aniston)
11. Basically horny
12. A Manhattan starlet
13. French icon
14. Comely and American
15. - ditto -
16. Joel's uptown girl
17. Late American heiress
18. Ah, sexy hips!
19. On 'T. J. Hooker'
20. 'Seal's German queen

Eq2nd - Meyran Kruas with:
How's Your Logic? Take a few minutes to study these riddles carefully:

1. They found the missing stripper swinging from the high ceiling in one cheap hotel room in Albania. The spacious room was totally empty except for one round puddle of water under her, and it was locked from the inside! Explain the oddity there.

2. The inmate lies dead in the coldest night of the month in one Polish interment facility. He is locked in and there is one mighty entry wound in his wet chest, but no one in this place or in the area did it. How could it be?

3. When I was going to Telluride, I met this guy with seven brides. Each of the brides had seven cats, each of the cats had seven kittens. Kittens, cats, my pal, those brides - how many are there in Telluride?

4. Dotty is having a party tomorrow and has to borrow a cup of sugar from a guy living upstairs - plus half of this total amount that Dotty is taking. Dotty finally brings back two cups of sugar. What's missing?

=

I suppose most of you weren't baffled and easily guessed the answers, as these stories are universally known... But it takes a special sort of brain to find the hidden flaws and twists secretly lurking within the enigmas:

1. Okay, from past experience, I guess that the thing which boggles the mind is a scruffy hotel in Albania having a big room that locks from the inside.

2. Why would the dead body seem odd at all, and why doubt the innocent people in that particular facility? You must have skipped a letter. Reading this riddle again might be of help.

3. As of now? Approximately twenty-five hundred, according to a recent population survey.

4. The letter E is missing.

[From Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's short story collection 'The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes':

"Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
"To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
"The dog did nothing in the night-time."
"That was the curious incident."]

Eq2nd - nedesto with:
Twelve young priests were going to be ordained into the order. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally naked, while a blond big-breasted model danced nude before them.

First, all the priests had small bells attached to their penises. Then they were told that anyone whose bell so much as tinkles while the model pranced in front of them wasn't going to be ordained, because he hadn't reached a state of spiritual purity. ~

So, the nubile amorous model danced heatedly before the first candidate without any reaction at all. As she went down the line, the same response was repeated from all the priests until she got to the remaining priest.

As she danced by, his bell began to ring so loudly indeed that it flew clattering away to the ground. Mortified, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell...

When behind him, all the other bells started to ring.

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Poet's Calendar

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A Strange Wild Song

Eq3rd - David Bourke with:
Happy birthday Kate! As the Duchess of Cambridge turns 30, FEMAIL brings you 30 facts about our future queen

Eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:

THE CURRY CONTEST

(If you manage to read this story without laughing then there's absolutely no hope for you.)

For any of you who have lived in Natal, you'll know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off around June/July. It takes up a large portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in Pietermaritzburg.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at the Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking them for directions to the beer garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I duly decided I would accept."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

MADHU'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY....
Judge # 1 -- A little heavy on tomato, yet amusingly tangy.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. Dammit, these people are crazy.

DIPALI'S PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting flavour, needs more peppers added to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- My God! Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer on seeing the distress on my face.

PADMA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent, peppery, firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, with good use of chilli peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call security. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I've been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back to stop me gagging; now my spine is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting decidedly pissed from all the beer.

GANDHI'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sachika, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 34-stone woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
~
BABOO'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- A meaty, strong curry. Freshly ground Cayenne peppers do bestow a considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Good-to-average beef curry, could use more tomato. I must admit, the kick of the chilli makes quite a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are buzzing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The woman contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sachika saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly onto it from the pitcher. I wonder if I have burnt my lips off. It hacks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them, the jackasses.

VERISHNA'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian curry. A good balance of spices.
Judge # 2 -- Hoorah! The best yet! Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Just superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am without doubt going to shit myself if I fart and I am worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems keen to stand behind me except that Sachika. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone ice-cream.

SHAKALAKA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Okay, but tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am a bit worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I would not feel a thing. I have lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is filled with rushing water. My khaki shirt is covered with curry which dribbled unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava which matches my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I have decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

BHAKTI'S TOENAIL-CURLING COOKBOOK CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Ah, the perfect ending. This is a nice, enjoyable curry blend with bite. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced textbook curry. Not too mild but not too hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he is going to make it. Poor man; I wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report.

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Anagrammy Placegetters for January 2012

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

THE LONG CATEGORY

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

THE RUDE CATEGORY