Anagrammy Placegetters for March 2014

All the highly-placed anagrams from the March 2014 Anagrammy Awards.

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THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Rosie Perera with:
Peter O'Toole in "Lawrence of Arabia" =
A role in elaborate war epic of note.

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - nedesto with:
Famous military leader Napoleon Bonaparte =
Little man of Paris, marooned a year upon Elba.

2nd - Luka with:
She? A skier! =
Erika Hess.

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Simpsons cartoon dad Homer =
Poor man tends to scream his "D'OH!"

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."
=
Things that have swift speed:
Hollow tweets
Hot phone chat
Celebrity gossip
Headline News blips
Fox News fabrications

2nd - Christopher Sturdy with:
"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."
=
Shite happens, I feel, if Botox highlights what's acceptable these days; invented so hopeless low-brow nitwits can't frown!

3rd - nedesto with:
"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."
=
Bird's Law shows the exact hoisting capacity of the noblest swallow when in flight happens to be the inverse of its speed.

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes, beer.

Lady: How many beers do you drink a day?

Man: Three 6-packs.

Lady: How much is it per 6-pack?

Man: It's about ten dollars.

Lady: How long have you been drinking it?

Man: Fifteen years.

Lady: Hmm... I see. So, one 6-pack costs ten dollars and you have three packs per day which means that you're spending nine hundred dollars a month. In twelve months, it will be ten thousand eight hundred dollars. Is that right?

Man: Seems about right.

Lady: So, in one year you spend ten thousand eight hundred dollars which, disregarding inflation, puts your spending over the past fifteen years at a massive one hundred and sixty two thousand dollars - correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady: Whew! Do you know that if you had not drunk those beers, the money could have been invested in a step-up interest savings account? After adjusting for compound interest over the past fifteen years, you could have now bought a Ferrari!

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No.

Man: So where's your Ferrari?

=

This conversation ensued after an old lady rang an NHS hospital based in England:

'I'd like some information on a patient named Mrs Nancy Bundy. She was admitted suddenly last Sunday with chest pains and I just wanted to check if her condition has improved, or deteriorated?'

'Do you know what ward Mrs Bundy's in?'

'Yes, ward N, room 6F'

'I'll put you through to the nurses' desk...'

'Ward N staff-nurse; how can I help?'

'I'm phoning about your patient, Nancy Bundy, and to ask whether she's improved or deteriorated?'

'I'll check her notes... Yes, I'm happy to say that Nancy has improved. She's regained her appetite and her pulse is sound and steady. After some extra tests tonight she should be well enough to be discharged at around 6 o'clock tomorrow evening.'

'Gosh, that's wonderful! I'm very glad and grateful; thank you very much, young lady!'

'That's okay. You seem very relieved, are you a friend or a near relative?'

'Neither, I'm Nancy Bundy in room 6F. Nobody tells you fuck all around here.’

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
How to Make a Woman Happy

I think it's not very difficult to make a woman happy.
The man only needs to be her:

* friend
* companion
* lover
* brother
* father figure
* master chef
* electrician
* carpenter
* plumber
* mechanic
* decorator
* pest exterminator
* stylist
* sexologist
* gynecologist
* psychologist
* psychiatrist
* healer
* listener
* organizer

And, in addition, he must be very:

* clean
* sympathetic
* athletic
* warm
* attentive
* gallant
* intelligent
* funny
* creative
* tender
* strong
* understanding
* tolerant
* prudent
* ambitious
* capable
* courageous
* determined
* true to her
* dependable
* passionate
* compassionate
=
Without forgetting to:

* call her "Darling"
* pay unprompted compliments
* be punctual
* be kind and considerate
* be romantic
* not criticize, nag, and induce stress
* not ogle slender attractive girls

At the same time, he must:

* pay attention to her, but expect no attention in return
* give her a lot of time, especially time to spend on herself
* give her a lot of space, accept her choices, and escort her anywhere

Additionally, it is extremely important to:

* Never forget:
- birthdays
- anniversaries
- any arrangements she makes, particularly family celebrations

How to Make a Man Happy

* Show up nude
* Bring food

3rd - nedesto with:
When Dermot showed up at Mass on Sunday, the priest almost fell down in surprise. Dermot had not been seen inside the church in his whole life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Dermot. "But Dermot," he said, “What is it that made you come around here anyway?"

"I got to be honest with you Father O'Brien." Dermot said. "I lost my hat and I really, really loved that hat dearly. I knew that old Tully had one like it and that he came to church every Sunday. I also figured that Tully would take off his hat and that he’d put it in the back. So, then I was going to leave after Communion and steal Tully's hat." ~

“I noticed you didn't steal his hat. What was it that has changed your mind?" the priest asked.

"Well, after I heard you finish the sermon on the ten commandments, I didn’t wanna steal Tully’s hat any longer." Dermot said.

The priest gave him a big ecclesiastic smile “Well, yes," he puffed, "after I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you naturally concluded you would've rather done without your hat than have to burn to ash down in Hell's pit, right?"

Dermot shook his head. "Why no, Father", he said. "After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I happened to remember where it was I’d left my hat."

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

>1st - Meyran Kraus with:
About Paris

Tiled floors in bedrooms; trees (now run to seed —
Such seed as the wind takes) of Liberty;
Squares with new names that no one seems to see;
Scrambling Briarean passages, which lead
To the first place you came from; urgent need
Of unperturbed nasal philosophy;
Through Paris (what with church and gallery)
Some forty first-rate paintings, or indeed
Fifty mayhap; fine churches; splendid inns;
Fierce sentinels (toy-size without the stands)
Who spit their oaths at you and grind their r's
If at a fountain you would wash your hands;
One Frenchman (this is fact) who thinks he spars:
Can even good dinners cover all these sins?

=

That French Spire I Saw

As fondly I would gaze
At photos I had taken,
Those scenes in nobler France
Would thrash in me, awakened:
Each shop is glamorous,
Each square is sunny there,
The food is wonderful
And stress is very rare -
But often, in the depths,
One plus is permanent
More than its fussy fans
That watched its fresh ascent,
And 'neath this noble force
Composed with subtlety,
French, shiny openness
Shrouds timid novelty.
So scorn it, if you want,
And draw it - if you dare,
Though painting eagerly
Seems artificial there,
As, on prestigious grounds
Where iron has this heart,
Our epic shaft will grow
And climb beyond prime art.

[The visual tribute appears when the poem is centered and every word containing an I in the poem body is highlighted:]

That French Spire I Saw

As fondly I would gaze
At photos I had taken,
Those scenes in nobler France
Would thrash in me, awakened:
Each shop is glamorous,
Each square is sunny there,
The food is wonderful
And stress is very rare -
But often, in the depths,
One plus is permanent
More than its fussy fans
That watched its fresh ascent,
And 'neath this noble force
Composed with subtlety,
French, shiny openness
Shrouds timid novelty.
So scorn it, if you want,
And draw it - if you dare,
Though painting eagerly
Seems artificial there,
As, on prestigious grounds
Where iron has this heart,
Our epic shaft will grow
And climb beyond prime art.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
HOW TO RECOGNISE ARTISTS FROM THEIR PAINTINGS.
1. If the images have a dark background and everybody has tortured expressions on their faces, it's TITIAN

2. If everyone in the painting has enormous arses, then it's RUBENS

3. If all the men look like cow-eyed curly-haired women, it's CARAVAGGIO

4. If the paintings have tons of little people in them but otherwise seem normal, it's BRUEGEL

5. If the paintings have quite a lot of little people in them but also have a ton of crazy bullshit, it's BOSCH

6. If everyone looks like hobos illuminated by only a dim streetlamp, it's REMBRANDT

7. If the paintings could easily have a few chubby Cupids, or sheep, added (or already has them) it's FRANCOIS BOUCHER

8. If everyone is beautiful, naked and stacked, it's MICHELANGELO

9. If you see a ballerina, it's DEGAS

10. If everything is highly-contrasted and sharp, sort of bluish, and everybody has gaunt, bearded faces, it's EL GRECO

11. If you see a dozen eyes and noses but there's only one person in the painting, it's PICASSO

12. If everyone - including the women - looks like Vladimir Putin, then it's VAN EYCK

13. If his paintings remind you of the sort of surreal dreams you have after an evening spent drinking beer and tequila slammers, followed by an extra-late night meal of curried eggs with cheese fondue whilst listening to 'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds', it's SALVADOR DALI

=

HOW TO RECOGNISE THE TOP-THIRTEEN RANKED ANAGRAM ACES FROM THEIR 'GRAMS.

13. If the ideas are innovative, inventive and exhibit a waspish sense of humour, it's DAVID BOURKE

12. If they are concise and clever, it's MIKE MESTERTON-GIBBONS

11. If they display a high-degree of rudeness, with occasional lapses into the philosophical, it's RICK ROTHSTEIN

10. If an unexpected diamond suddenly gleams into view, it's probably by... VIEW.

9. If love of, and dedication to, the art looks evident in his anagrams, it's bound to be that Aussie bloke LARRY BRASH:

8. If they please and give great value for 'Monet', it'll be ELLIE DENT

7. If you see sporadic but high-quality submissions that generally win, it's SCOTT GARDNER

6. If seen to be funny, inventive and quintessentially English? Oh, I'd say it's CHRISTOPHER STURDY

5. If they're vibrant and innovative, it's the gentle DHARAM KALSA

4. If you see a poignant, beautifully-crafted poem in 'Special' and a full-house of Noms, then it's ADIE PENA

3. If you see this superb crossword puzzle in 'Special' and a funny gag in 'Medium' or 'Long', it's the versatile NEDESTO!

2. When Nicola, of the Daily Mail's 'Peterborough' column, checks her emails on a Monday morning and yells, 'Heck, who is all this deranged gobbledegook from?' it's TONY CRAFTER:

1. If the sheer genius of the work literally takes flight before your eyes, it's the peerless MEYRAN KRAUS:

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
IT MIGHT AS WELL RAIN UNTIL SEPTEMBER
By
Carole King

What shall I write?
What can I say?
How can I tell you how much I miss you?

The weather here has been as nice as it can be
Although it doesn't really matter much to me
For all the fun I'll have while you're so far away
It might as well rain until September

I don't need sunny skies for things I like to do
'Cause I stay home the whole day long and think of you
As far as I'm concerned each day's a rainy day
So It might as well rain until September

My friends look forward to their picnics on the beach
Yes everybody loves the summertime
But you know darling while your arms are out of reach
The summer isn't any friend of mine

It doesn't matter whether skies are grey or blue
It's raining in my heart 'cause I can't be with you
I'm only living for the day you're home to stay
So It might as well rain until September
September, September, oh
It might as well rain until September

=

IT MAY WELL RAIN UNTIL SEPTEMBER
By
Noah Sark

When will it clear?
Where will I go?
Is there a way they can stop it raining?

This soggy weather is as wretched as can be
With rain each day for what seems an eternity
It's March, yet still it's pouring in our great UK
Hey, I hear it might rain until September!

I yearn for sunny days like those I used to know
But I see heavy rain, then massive floods follow
As far as I'm aware they could be here to stay
Hmm, it may go on until September!

They say the lion of March goes lamb-like come the hour
In May, the Summer's marking time behind
Though in between we face those bloody April showers!
Ouch! Mother Nature you're no friend of mine!

It's said into each life a drop of rain may fall
And usually it would not matter much at all
Yet it's rained endlessly throughout successive months
Hey, it might well rain until September, October, November... Yikes! it
May well rain until December!

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Anagrammy Placegetters for March 2014

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

THE LONG CATEGORY

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

THE RUDE CATEGORY