Anagrammy Placegetters for May 2017

All the highly-placed anagrams from the May 2017 Anagrammy Awards.

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THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st - Rosie Perera with:
Air travel these days =
Their delays are vast.

2nd - Christopher Sturdy with:
Husband and wife living together for forty years =
That fool if he forgets ruby wedding anniversary...

3rd - Tom Myers with:
Depravities =
Private side

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Ellie Dent with:
Raphael: The Sistine Madonna =
And he is a phenomenal artist.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Rolling Stone Keith Richards ~
is this thin, aged rock 'n' roller.

3rd - Christopher Sturdy with:
"The America We Deserve" by Donald Trump =
I sow hatred, reap 'very dumb man elected'.

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Julian Lofts with:
Tiger Woods DUI =
Idiot's drug woe.

2nd - Christopher Sturdy with:
Impeach the president =
Chap in meter-deep shit!

3rd - View with:
Ariana Grande-Butera concert =
A BANG! Terror act, audience ran

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Adie Pena with:
The FBI Director James Comey =
Ejected from my chair. So be it.

2nd - Christopher Sturdy with:
Walter Thomas Peace
=
What a complete arse

3rd - David Bourke with:
The Conservative Prime Minister, Theresa May =
Meet a Tory vampire...in Mrs Thatcher's vein, I see!

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Ellie Dent with:
Manchester Arena =
Men can hear tears...

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The English World Heritage Site, The Jurassic Coast =
Jagged hills in the south-west are a historic secret.

3rd - View with:
The Hindenburg =
Height, burn, end.

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Ellie Dent with:

Win, a blonde, goes ice fishing. She takes her stool onto the ice and
cuts a big hole. A voice says:

'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'

=

Baffled, as she cuts an ice hole, she soon gets to hear the voice again.

'God, er... is that you?' she cries.

'NO, I OWN THE BLEEDIN' ICE RINK!'

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The foremost anti-Brexit campaigners:
1. Richard Branson
2. Tony Blair
3. Nicola Sturgeon
4. Gina Miller
=
1. Expat Brit
2. A chronic, money-grabbing liar
3. A full-on Scot. Man, she drones lots!
4. Irritating 'Remainer'

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
As seen on a Face Book page:

The Engineering graduate: How will it work?

The Physics graduate: Why does that work?
~
The Liberal Arts graduate (a good week):
"Hey, do you want fries with that?"

Keep coaching working age sons/nephews!

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - David Bourke with:
That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can.
- J.D. Salinger, 'The Catcher in the Rye'.
=
To generalize highly, the majority of the men worldwide snore, they leave the toilet seat up, they can't ever multitask (no chance!), they enjoy clutter, they can fetch clothes in a shop...through in roughly five minutes (why hurry!), they tend to forget anniversaries. Still, they're very sorry! - David Bourke

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can.
- J.D. Salinger, 'The Catcher in the Rye'.

=

"Hey Ivy, when your errands're done there is a very large stack of clothin' to iron. The pots over there - they're not gonna clean themselves are they? hey, just sayin'.
I'm out to hit thirty holes with the guys."

- Harvey Z Cleverley (Eerily found dead in the kitchen with a golf club jutting aptly from the rectum)

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can." - J.D. Salinger, 'The Catcher in the Rye'.
=
What are boys made out of?
The snips, the snails;
The hairy terrier tails;
The filthy-kneed jeans;
The riveter machines;
The hilly choo-choo;
The very oozy goo;
That crude guy adventure;
The gritty duty venture.
Comic of Wolverine, or
The Lantern of Green;
Chunky peanuts with jelly;
Try everything smelly!

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
Murphy's pregnant sister Bonnie was in a bad car accident and fell into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she woke up on the morning of 19th August and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically, Bonnie questioned the doctor about her baby's fate.

The doctor replied, "Good news, you had twins at 7.20pm on 19th June! A boy and girl. Don't worry, the babies are fine now; however they were quite poorly at birth and needed to be christened immediately. Luckily, your brother Murphy came in and named them."

Bonnie thought to herself, "Suffering Jesus, not Murphy... he is a complete eejit." Anticipating the worst, she asked the doctor, "Well then, what is my daughter's name?"

"It's Denise," replied the doctor.

Bonnie was very relieved. "Wow, that is a beautiful name, I was quite wrong about my brother Murphy... I love Denise!"

Then she asked, "OK... what is the boy's name?"

"Denephew," replied the doctor.

=

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator's post at a famous brewery in Dublin.

An Englishman applied for the same job and since both applicants had the same technical qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said flatly, "Thank you for attending the interview, but we've decided to give the job to the Englishman."

"Eh? And why exactly would ya be doing dat?" huffed Murphy. "We both got 19 questions roight. Dis bein' Ireland and me bein' someone Irish, surely oi should get da job?"

The man replied, "We based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the incorrect answer."

"Why? How can one incorrect answer possibly be better than the other?" asked a mystified Murphy.

"Very simple." replied the manager. "On question number 7 the English guy wrote: 'I do not know the answer.'

"You wrote: Neither do I.

2nd - Ellie Dent with:

A CAT'S NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

My human sadly, will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a
horror movie.

I will not slurp expensive fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at absolutely NOTHING after
my human has finished watching a gripping episode of The X-Files.

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

I will not go and perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare deep into her eyes
until she wakes up.

~

We will not play 'Herds of Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Serengeti' over any humans' bed while
they're trying to sleep.

Unfortunately, impromptu screaming at the can of refreshment stuff will not make it open itself.

I cannot leap through a window which is closed in summertime to hunt birds. If I try, squash my head
on that window and then fall next to the sofa, I will freeze and quit, and not repeat that foolhardiness.
Oh, the humiliation!

I won't assume that the front door is open when I rush outside to chase leaves in the nasturtiums.

Family TV or PC screens at home do not exist to further backlight my fluffy tail.

I'm a walking static generator. My human doesn't have need of my help installing a new board in her PC.
I'm philosophical.

3rd - Julian Lofts with:
Nine Recent Politicians of the State of France
1. Emmanuel Macron
2. Francois Hollande
3. Marine Le Pen
4. Nicolas Sarkozy
5. Charles de Gaulle
6. Valery Giscard d'Estaing
7. Georges Pompidou
8. Francois Mitterand
9. Jacques Chirac
=
1. A garcon can meet a nice cougar
2. Classic Gallic chauvinist president
3. National Front jerk (gag!)
4. "Napoleon syndrome" (small physique)
5. French Free Forces leader
6. Modernizer
7. Defeated Alain Poher
8. Socialist
9. A communist

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The Top 37 Things You'll Regret When You're Old
(From "Lessons Learned in Life")

1. Not traveling when you had the chance.
2. Not learning another language.
3. Staying in a bad relationship.
4. Forgoing sunscreen.
5. Missing the chance to see your favorite musicians.
6. Being scared to do things.
7. Failing to make physical fitness a priority.
8. Letting yourself be defined by gender roles.
9. Not quitting a terrible job.
10. Not trying harder in school.
11. Not realizing how beautiful you were.
12. Being afraid to say "I love you."
13. Not listening to your parents' advice.
14. Spending your youth self-absorbed.
15. Caring too much about what other people think.
16. Supporting others' dreams over your own.
17. Not moving on fast enough.
18. Holding grudges, especially with those you love.
19. Not standing up for yourself.
20. Not volunteering enough.
21. Neglecting your teeth.
22. Missing the chance to ask your grandparents questions before they die.
23. Working too much.
24. Not learning how to cook one awesome meal.
25. Not stopping enough to appreciate the moment.
26. Failing to finish what you start.
27. Never mastering one awesome party trick.
28. Letting yourself be defined by cultural expectations.
29. Refusing to let friendships run their course.
30. Not playing with your kids enough.
31. Never taking a big risk (especially in love).
32. Not taking the time to develop contacts and network.
33. Worrying too much.
34. Getting caught up in needless drama.
35. Not spending enough time with loved ones.
36. Never performing in front of others.
37. Not being grateful sooner.
=
1. It's hard the older you get.
2. Took French in school, but no retention?
3. Getting out before horror of abuse begins.
4. Avoiding benign moles or skin cancer.
5. Proof: "I'll hear Hendrix when he comes back."
6. What are you scared of?
7. Quit spending your best years sitting.
8. A man's place is in the kitchen.
9. "He is the boss from hell, but I've got bills."
10. You'll wish you'd listened.
11. You hated being pencil-thin; now you're overweight.
12. Aren't you going to tell that unrequited seventh-grade crush about your feelings?
13. Don't ignore your parents. Many of the funnier notions or things they say are going to be true later.
14. It's craziness! You'll be vain like President Trump (grin).
15. In ten years none of it is going to matter.
16. Give, having your own important goal.
17. Get up, get going!
18. What is the point of reliving anger later on?
19. Don't take crap from anyone!
20. Make the world nicer.
21. Brushing, flossing, regular checkups will help in avoiding dentures.
22. Grandpa can enrich you.
23. Go spend time with loved ones.
24. A great dish for every reunion.
25. Youngsters are constantly on the go.
26. Sign up for classes, then keep on going.
27. I disagree, so no regrets.
28. "We don't do that."
29. People change; hence, clinging isn't helpful.
30. Soon enough, your loving little son says, "Get out of my room!"
31. Go, even if you'll fall on your face.
32. Getting to know others is important.
33. Tom Petty tune, "Most things I worry about never happen...."
34. Who needs it?
35. Making time with family and friends count.
36. Many people want, just once, to croon in front of an audience.
37. Attitude of gratitude.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Walking into a bar, a fellow noticed a very large jar on the counter and saw that it was completely full up with #10 notes...

He guessed there must be more than ten thousand pounds in it. He approached the bartender and asked, 'What's with the jar full of money?'

'Well...you pay ten pounds and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly wasn't going to pass this up, so he asked, 'What are the three tests?'

'Well, you must pay first, this is the rule,' said the bartender.

So, after mulling it over for a while, the man gave his ten-pound-note to the bartender, who dropped it into the jar and said: 'Okay, here's what you need to do:

'Firstly - You've got to drink a whole quart of tequila in a minute or less, and you must not make a face while you are doing it.

'Secondly - There is a pit bull terrier chained up in the back with a bad tooth. You've got to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

'Thirdly - There is an 87-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex... You've got to take care of that problem too!'

The man was staggered. 'I know I paid my ten pounds, but I am no idiot! I won't do it! You would have to be crazy to drink a quart of tequila, and do all those other things...'

'It's your call,' shrugged the bartender, but your money stays where it is.'

As the evening went on, and the man had a few more drinks, he finally said,' Okay, where's the tequila?'

He seized the bottle with both hands and drunk it as fast as he could. Tears streamed down his cheeks, but he didn't make a face, and he managed it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggered out the back door, where he saw the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar heard growling, snarling, and screaming noises... then silence.

Just when it seemed the man must surely be dead, he staggered into the bar, with his shirt ripped open, there were multiple scratches and he was bleeding everywhere.

'Now,' he said, 'where is that old woman with the bad tooth?'

The moral of the story is: Listen carefully to the directions and do not trust your judgment where alcohol is involved!
=

A woman was at the hairdresser's getting her hair restyled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the lady hairdresser, who said bluntly: "Why the hell would anybody want to frequent that place? Rome's crowded, dirty and quite smelly. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking United," came the reply; "we got a great rate!"

"United? That airline's horrible!" the hairdresser said harshly. "The flight attendants are ugly, the planes are very old, squashed, and they run late. Where are you staying?"

"We'll be at an exclusive little place, it's on the Tiber and it's called Teste."

"Stop! Don't go any further. I know that place. Everyone thinks its going to be something swish and exclusive but that's nonsense; in truth the place is the pits."

"But we're planning to go to the Vatican and might possibly get to see the Pope."

"Ha! That's rich," huffed the hairdresser. "You and a zillion others! He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this trip of yours. You're gonna need it."

A month later, the woman came in again and the hairdresser asked her about her vacation.

"Oh, it was just joyful!" exclaimed the woman; "not only were we on time in one of United's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.

"The food and drinks were wonderful, and I had a handsome young flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was lovely! They'd just finished a $10m refurbishment job, and now it's the best hotel in the city. They were also overbooked, so they gave us the owner's suite, and at no additional charge!"

"Hmm," muttered the hairdresser, "that may be so, but I'll just bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky because, as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard came up and said that the Pope likes to meet a quota of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to wait in his private room, he would come and greet me. Sure enough, 7 or 8 minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! Then I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..."

"Oh, really? What did he say?"

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

THE RUDE CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
A wet tee-shirt and no brassiere
=
Her bared tits were a sensation!

2nd - Ewart Shaw with:
Iain Duncan Smith =
"I'm a cunt" in Danish.

3rd - Tom Myers with:
Homewrecking slut ~
likes the wrong cum.