My fellow Armenians,

As I stand here today, looking out over this magnificent viagra, I think we can agree that the past is over. Our country is ready for a fresh, bipolar approach. I want to bring America together.

We are the hill shining on a city, and each of us can get to the top if we set our feet to it. The electrical college has made its decision and so have the American people in their connective wisdom. They don't need sympathy; they need ablutions. We need to move beyond the petty armadilloes. Politics doesn't have to be the way it is today. We can make the pie higher. A high pie lets everyone put food on their family and their family on the table. That's my record; I side with the people. And the B-side of my record is Billy-Joe Gibbs and the Shoeshine Boys singing "Streets of Laredo."

(Music Break)

A president has to think not only of himself and his family and his baseball team's families, but of all American families. I don't believe a president should be choosing who are the right Americans and who are the wrong Americans. All of us are together, white or wrong, black or right, or perversely. That's why my tax cut is as broad as we are. And will give our expansion a timely second dose of wind.

(Zantac commercial)

I say there's a cost to inaction. I haven't done the acrobatics, but it's probably about a trillion dollars. That's a good round sum to offer to everyone, especially our seniors, who are the backache of our nation. I would like to take a moment to mention my mother, Barbara Bush, who taught me to read and write when I was still knee-high to a lawnmower. We need our seniors to be free to pass on their life's work to those they love, and especially to pass on. Thanks, Mom and Dad.

(Applause; tears)

We know that America is the best in the world. We are the great super-premium; we cannot afford to be unleaded. This is still a world of madmen and mental losses. And mental loss is easy to underestimate. We need a sharpened sword to light our way. To quote Ronald Reagan: I do not believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do nothing. I do believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do something. And it must never run our lives.

(Exxon commercial)

The purpose of prosperity is to make sure the American dream touches every killing heart. Progress can be slow; you measure it in inches and feet, not miles or kilograms. Or cantilevers. I worked in Texas by common sense and plain dozing. I got on with small business because I was one myself. I'm less now. But I'm also more. We are all less and more. More or less. And I believe we must match our compassionate hearts to our preservative minds. I know you would rather be watching TV, and so would I, so I will draw to a confusion. My message is: I will get things done. I will inspire and untie. I will appeal to people's better angles. I will prove that politics can be bigger than you ever thought possible. We will trust the people we serve, and serve the people we trust. I am a uniter, not a reviver, and together we can do what needs to be done to preserve this great bastard of freedom.

Let me finish by saying I believe in my brother Jeb's contraception of what the good people of Florida wanted. I thank them for ignoring their chads and dimples, and I especially thank Justice Antoinette Scalia for showing the world that we are not a bandana republic and there are some valves in this world that are more important than votes.

Thank you, and God help America

(Daddy, ask Jim Baker if I got this one right -- GWB)




Hello America,

How are you? It's me again. Al Gore. No, I am still not gone. I have another month as a Vice President of the United States. Bill Clinton has decided that until January twentieth, two thousand one, we will be trading places, just like the old Eddie Murphy movie. This is my last poor, improper, self-absorbed chance to be a President [at this time]. I have to face a harsh fact, I lost. I know in recent weeks I acted like a boorish boob--a blubbering baby throwing a temper tantrum--but all this hardship and drama has ended. What can I say? I'm a cock, I'm a cock, I'm a cock cock cock. I do, however, understand that what my democratic friends and bar advisors tried so hard to pull off on this partisan mission was so entirely against all proper rules of an election; but hey, we had to give all options a whirl, right? I mean, who says a man can't change rules AFTER a race? The U.S. Supreme Court?? Who are they to speak as to what is Constitutional? Many shrewd people have probably realized my poor, petty-ass refusal to graciously bow out and let their rightful winner have his victory was similar to a defiant act made before by my friend, a mentor and a hero, Slobodan Milosevic. All I have to say is way to go Slobo! You fought a good fight. We both lost. We are both sore-ass losers...So now, where was I? Ah, yes--I am a President starting now, December twenty-second, two thousand, and will remain as a President till the rightfully elected leader, Mister George W. Bush, is sworn in [if the S.O.B. ever is...]. During this time, I'd like to assure you I promise not to abuse the powers of my new position. I'd like to, but I won't! Promises, promises, promises... For instance, I can promise I will not try to use a secret executive order to pass a bill making it illegal for a former President's son to be sworn into office. Although... naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I will, however, sponsor a bill to make it legal to smoke a pot and a hash pipe and snort coke in the oval office--I'm a joker, a smoker, and a midnight toker. Heck, Bubba does all this stuff now! I will also change the electoral college rules and permanently reassign all five hundred and thirty-eight votes to Hollywood in the next election [which I am prepared to reschedule for December thirty-first, two thousand] and extend presidential terms to forty years as opposed to four. I mean, these damn elections every four years serve a zero purpose and are getting soooo tiresome. We need more time between elections to make sure slipshod voting machines are rigged... I mean fixed... I mean maintained. In fact, in the 2040 election, I expect to have as a brand new machine a hybrid that will read the minds of a brainwashed voter in their own home. They won't even need to leave their house. We will be able to properly assess the implied intent of each and every voter without the need for poor voodoo nonsense like 'paper ballots' or 'counters'. Everything will all be so simple that even a two year old can vote for me [and will]. As my quest to win THIS election is over, it is time we moved on and let bygones be bygones. There are no hard feelings between me and that dipshi...dumba.. I mean that fine gentleman, President-elect George W. Bush. Tuesday the nineteenth we got together and had a warm, meaningful meeting. It lasted almost fifteen whole minutes! Now if this doesn't show the world I harbor no grudges against that wimp... wimp... uh, winsome personality, nothing will. I've never held a grudge [or a real job] in all my life.

Thank you and Gore bless...

[2,750 letters]

Nominated in December 2000

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