Long Anagram by David Bourke

The Devil

Hello, nice to see you all again. Now, as the more perceptive of you have probably realised by now, this is Hell, and I am the Devil. Good evening. You can call me Toby, if you like - we try and keep things informal here, as well as infernal. That's just a little joke.

Now, you're all here for eternity, which I hardly need tell you is a sod of a long time, so you get to know everyone pretty well by the end, but for now I'm going to have to split you up into groups. Are there any questions? Yes?

Um, no, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets...if you'd read your Bible you would have seen that it was damnation without relief. So, if you didn't go before you came then I'm afraid you're not going to enjoy yourself very much... but then, I believe that's the idea.

Right, let's split you up then.

Can you all hear me still?
CAN YOU HEAR ME AT THE RACK?

All right, off we go...

Murderers, over here. Looters and pillagers - over there please, thieves if you could join them, and bank managers...

Fornicators, if you could step forward - my God there are a lot of you! Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest? Adulterers, if you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine there.

Okay...

Americans, are you here? Look, I'm sorry about this, apparently God had some fracas with your founding fathers and damned the entire race into perpetuity. He sends particular condolences to the Mormons who He realises put in a lot of work. That's the way the wafer crumbles. The Iranians, I'm afraid, can't be with us - someone's been holding them in purgatory for about nine months.

Sodomites, over there against the wall.

Atheists! Atheists? Over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of charlies.

Okay, and Christians! Christians? Ah yes, I'm sorry, I'm afraid the Jews were right.

Okay, Moonies, maniacs, marmite eaters, male models, masochists, mass murderers and masseurs, if you could take a pew at the back - with the Methodists that is.

Now, you're the lot who used to kill whales, is that right? Ah, yes, I must remember - I've got some strips to tear off you bastards later.

Everyone who saw Monty Python's "Life of Brian" - I'm afraid He can't take a joke after all.

Alright now, one final thing. We're trying to implement some kind of exchange scheme with the Lord God Almighty, or Cliff as we know him. Some of you will travel up and have a decade in heaven and we're having some angels down here. Now, I hardly need tell you that in heaven you will be expected to behave in an exemplary manner, so I hope you will do the exact opposite - tear off their wings, use their haloes for frisbee practice, that sort of thing.

Well, I have to go now, unfortunately, but Beelzebub here will show you the ropes ... and the chains, and electrodes.

I'd just like to leave you with a favorite joke of mine, if I may. Quite apt to the circumstances, I think. It goes something like this:

- "Knock, knock!"

- "Who's there?"

- "Death"

- "Death wh...!"

=

The Programmer

Hello, good evening! It's nice to see you all again. The more perceptive of you (as if!) have probably realised this is the Anagrammy Forum, and I'm the Programmer/Referee. My friend calls me God, but you can call me Toby.

In the interests of a few runner-up pie chart, bar and scatter graphs, and various other web statistics of absolutely not one jot of interest to anyone other than myself, I find I'm gonna have to split y'all up into, like, demographic sub-sections. If there are any questions...too bad.

If you'd read the FAQs, you'd have seen that this is a fairly broad-minded, informal, free, tolerant group. OK, let's split you up into nationalities, if y'all are still awake.

Alright! Let's "kick some butt" as we say over here in California. Now...are there any...WIMMIN here? Oh, wrong sketch. Where was I? Demographics. Where shall I start?

The Americans! Just stay where you are, pending the outcome of a vote recount. Rothstein? Hmm, seems a little, um...Germanic to me. What? So does Gottfried? Off-limits. You sit out over there on the right, with the Europeans.

The Canadians! Hello Canadians? Hello? Hello? Anybody here? Dang! I coulda sworn we had a few canucks round here. Oh well! It seems he left.

A few Israelis! Stand over by that wall! What? Oh, you haven't finished it yet? Damn well hurry up, will you?

The Germans, ja? Get those towels off of the sun-loungers! Stand over there next to the Israelis by the wa...wa...wall.

What? Why do I keep on about what? Well you started it! Oh yes you did! You invaded Pola...oops, sorry, wrong sketch again, it seems!

The Greeks! Move over there! Have you lost your marbles?

Hey, any Serbs or Slovenians! Stay out over there by the Greeks, please...in a bit...terrific!

Chileans! Another New World whine producer! Whoopee! Come sit here with me!

Gee! The United Kingdom contingent, I see! The English and Walesland minorities! The so-called "special friendship". Like, pur-leeeeez! You'll be fined, and excluded from the Forum for a maximum of a month for exceeding your legal bandwidth allotment by an average of over twenty-four percent. Tony Crafter, get your hands out of your pockets, boy! Joe Fathallah! What are you looking so sheepish about? Pus! Wipe that ridiculous smirk off of your face immediately! Ah, "David Bourke"...David Bourke...if that IS your real name, with all the idiotic aliases and highly-juvenile pseudonyms? It isn't, eh? You learn something every day, don'tcha?

Ah yes, to the elite. The Australians! G'day, cobbers! If you could just put down those tinnies and stay over there. Brash, Grantham...knock me some HTML up to demonstrate the ratio of illegitimate Rude anagrams sent to Main in "error".

Well, I have to shoot off now, but hey, I would not take things too literally, if I were you. I'd just like to leave you with a favorite little joke of mine, if I may. I hope you enjoy it!

- "Knock knock!"
- "Ach, who is there?"
- "Helmut"
- "Come in, Helmut"

How hilarious!

[2,257 letters]


This anagram won an Anagrammy in July 2006 (Special Category).


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