Long Anagram by Richard Grantham


STEP 1: You do not need to re-type this entire letter to do your own posting. Simply put your cursor at the beginning of this letter and drag your cursor to the bottom of this document, and select 'copy' from the edit menu. This will copy the entire letter into the computer's memory. If you are having trouble then start by clicking your cursor on the beginning of this letter while continuing to hold down the click button of your cursor. As you do this drag the cursor "all the way down to the bar" and past if need be at the bottom of your viewing screen. Try it and you'll see.

STEP 2: Open a blank 'notepad' file and place your cursor at the top of the blank page. From the 'edit' menu select 'PASTE'. This will paste a copy of the letter into notepad so that you can add your name to the bottom of the list and to change the numbers of the list.

STEP 3: Save your new notepad file as a '.txt' file. If you want to do your postings in different settings, you'll always have this file to go back to.

STEP 4: Use multiple search engines like www.dogpile.com/ or www.metafind.com/ to search for various usenet newsgroups (on-line forums, message boards, chat sites, discussions). If you are having trouble finding any then go on and try www.reference.com/ or www.liszt.com/ or www.forumone.com/ as examples to look in. You may also wish to tell future readers from around the world that they can read this letter in another language if they visit http://babelfish.altavista.com/c/s.dll/translate or by going to www.altavista.com/ and clicking on "AV Tools & Gadgets" and then click on "AV Translation Service".

STEP 5: Visit these message boards and newsgroups and post this article as a new message by highlighting the text of this letter and selecting 'PASTE' from the edit menu. Fill in the Subject, this will be the header that everyone sees as they scroll through the list of postings in a particular group, click the post message button. You're done with your first one! Congratulations... That is it! All you have to do is jump to different newsgroups and post away, after you get the hang of it, it will take about 30 seconds for each newsgroup!
You will begin receiving money from around the world within days! You may eventually want to rent a P.O. Box due to the large amount of mail you will receive. If you wish to stay anonymous, you can invent a name to use, as long as the postman will deliver it.





STEP 1: You do NOT need to retain the umbilical cord & placenta that kept you alive as a foetus. Simply discard it. Burn it. Feed it to your dog. Eat the stuff yourself if you feel the need. However, do NOT just leave it hanging there. People will trip on it in a rush to flee from its gross rotting stench, and that might cause distress.

STEP 2: In most cases, you'll find you have been fitted with a set of lungs. Breathing is advised at this point, and is usually (though not always) done by sucking air through the mouth or nose. But DO NOT FORGET to breathe "out" again! That step may seem unnecessarily complicated, but as you gradually master advanced breathing you'll find you rarely forget to do so.

STEP 3: Locate a lactating breast (ideally two, or more). If none exist in your vicinity, find a cow and suck on the dangly bits underneath. Make most certain that you have not chosen a bull by mistake.
The sucking action is one of the rare points at which you must NOT follow Step 2 ("Breathing") - others being while underwater, when in teenaged boys' bedrooms, and when using toilets immediately after connoisseurs of curries - but with a little practice you'll be able to stop and restart with relative ease.
The empty feeling in your tummy should now be going away. (The feeling's called "hunger", incidentally, but we do not want to confuse you with complex jargon.) Stop sucking once it's gone completely, or when the cow shits onto your neck (whatever comes first).

STEP 4: Try solid foods. First of all, shoot the cow you've just been sucking. Then tear off a rear leg, pinpoint the slightly soft part (known as "meat") and put it into your mouth. (Readers who are alert will recognise this orifice from our two previous steps.) Gnaw some "meat" off, chew vigorously, then attempt to swallow. These actions should come naturally - but if not, you ought to purchase our totally amazing book, "How to Eat in Today's Fast-Paced World" ($30.00, direct from www.eatme.org/mmm), where the processes are described fully and accompanied by pop-up illustrations.

STEP 5: Sexual intercourse. (In most cases this will no longer involve the cow.) While it's a commonly used method of procreation (perhaps even the best!) and thus important to life, mating's not too important to survival per se. Therefore we shall not portray the act of rogering. (We ask you to remember at this stage that your money is not refundable.) In the meantime, we suggest you ought to try www.tottyporn.org/shag/kindy-level for some tips.

Next month's lesson: Dying. (Preview at www.tottyporn.org/shag/necro)

[2,040 letters]

This anagram won an Anagrammy in July 2000 (Long Spam Category) and a Grand Anagrammy.

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