Long Anagram by Harshal M.

50 THINGS TO DO ON A EXAM, WHEN YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE GOING TO FAIL IT ANYWAY

  1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh nuts, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

  2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”

  3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

  4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.

  5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m SOOO sure you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

  6. Bring cheerleaders.

  7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who are you? Where’s the regular guy?”

  8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc…). Play with the volume at max level.

  9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

  10. Bring pets.

  11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.

  12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry Christmas.” If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

  13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

  14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

  15. Come down with a BAD case of gagging and coughing. Be as vulgar as possible.

  16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

  17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when (s)he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

  18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

  19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

  20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

  21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

  22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

  23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

  24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Forget this!” and walk out triumphantly.

  25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

  26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

  27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”

  28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

  29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away.

  30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

  31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say “you don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!”

  32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

  33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

  34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

  35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

  36. Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword and shield.

  37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

  38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious…like history notes for a calculus exam… otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.”

  39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Fake a faint.

  40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

  41. One word: Wrestlemania.

  42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

  43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

  44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

  45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice. (editor’s note: NOT!)

  46. . Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc… sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

  47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

  48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

  49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say “it helps me think.” Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to use the phrase “Told you so”.

  50. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor **** Stinks."

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50 MORE THINGS TO DO ON A EXAM, WHEN YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE GOING TO FAIL IT ANYWAY
(This information is something hot to scan!)

  1. Hold a luxury black portmanteau to plead for justice from your teacher before your exam starts.

  2. A little bit in your exam, get up and exclaim "OKAY! It's time to review our answers! One is B, Two is B, Three is A..."

  3. Ask someone to pull the fire alarm in the exam.

  4. Pretend to die of boredom.

  5. Do Albert Einstein's inventive method: If you can't solve the problem, simply change the question!

  6. Answer the first question in the second blank, the second in the third, etc.

  7. Do you know your chemistry well? How you start mixing acids and stuff to form lovely things?

  8. If you are permitted to use a calculator on a mathematics exam, rather than approximate decimal answers, write various numbers with seven numbers to the right of the point.

  9. Remember that if you cannot find the answer to a problem, answer "I don't know". After the tests come back a few days later, testify against your teacher that it's a true answer.

  10. If the teacher goes by to take a look at your exam, vehemently exclaim: "ARRGH!!! ALIENS EXIST! EVERYONE, WATCH OUT!", then act like your brain is melting.

  11. Pretend that it's World War Two, and that everyone you sight is a severe enemy.

  12. If it's a physics exam, exaggerate that the air pressure in the room is too high. Later, exaggerate that it is low. Repeat every eight minutes.

  13. Make sure that every person in the exam room can hear you breathing. Remember to be coughing a little, too.

  14. Bring a heavy toolbox, then attempt to demolish your desk with a mighty hammer or axe (with the test on top of it, too).

  15. Before you commence the exam, recite the full Gettysburg Address, while tampering with it a little so that it's an extreme civil war between the teacher and the students. Get very innovative!

  16. What starts with F, ends with UCK, and isn't FIRETRUCK? Explode it out.

  17. Request a little bathroom break. Instead, get to a school telephone and attempt to ask your mom or dad for the answer.

  18. Fix yourself some breakfast, and do not eat it until the testing environment is active. Then, grind it in your mouth and make awkward, wild dinosaur noises, and exaggerate with nasty gagging sounds.

  19. In any grammar or English test, get to comment on the back that you thought your teacher was "such an oxymoron".

  20. Any long essay on a science exam must be an explicitly drawn science fiction story with nasty aliens battling people.

  21. Remember, everyone: if you're sick, make sure you may attend the exam. If you're perfectly secure, make sure you may not go attend the exam.

  22. Bring a drum set and a little crow. Go and put them together. I don't know what will happen at all, so just try it out to see!

  23. Bring your binder, backpack, etc. as you usually would in school everyday, but instead of holding your belongings in it, go start banging multiple random things.

  24. Make sure that you flunk your test on purpose (as if you have a choice, anyway). When the tests return, go start murmuring to your teacher about your unlucky score for an immense time for no real reason.

  25. Bring a long flexible ruler, pull it around your neck, and make it look like you're hanging yourself, choking, and gagging.

  26. Look at someone else's paper. Why? Because when you are caught doing this, the other person will undoubtedly get into trouble and serve deep punishment after.

  27. When the tests return with your lame grade, go start bragging to everyone about how excellent you did. The lower your grade, the higher you brag!

  28. Mail yourself in a big box to the room. When you get there, finish the test with the box over your head.

  29. At any stage during the test, go stump over to the principal's office. Once there, perform an unusual set of faces at the principal, staying still and silent.

  30. If it is required that you cover your test with a folder, instead take an assortment of empty beer bottles to put around your desk. Make sure you turn the labels out so the teacher sees them.

  31. Whenever you complete a question, loudly shout Descartes' immortal saying in a robotic monotone, "I THINK, THEREFORE I AM. I THINK, THEREFORE I AM."

  32. Slam at the kid next to you. Complain that it was a reflex.

  33. Learn the illegible Wingdings font and complete your test writing fully in it.

  34. When an answer is thirteen, answer with either a skull-and-crossbones, "eleven plus two", or "twelve plus one".

  35. Start singing "Form banana! Form, form banana!" softly, then get everyone else to sing along with you while you slowly get louder.

  36. Put a thumbtack on the teacher's stool. Yes, positive! A tack!

  37. Walk right out of the testing room as soon as it starts.

  38. Ask to go to the nurse's office. When you get there, file a rare case of smallpox.

  39. Turn all of your repulsive old grammar tests into exciting 'grammer tests!

  40. Answer each problem with another one, as opposite to the first as you can get. Example: Argue that Chuck Norris is able to fall up a typical flight of stairs.

  41. Bring your laptop and watch an immense volley of porn.

  42. Dress any "intentionally blank" pages with graffiti.

  43. Raise your hand to communicate these to a teacher that is:
    Expert/Cunning: "Would you like fries with that, you oxymoron?"
    Medium/Neutral: "Do you know what the point of human existence is, man?"
    Numskull/Ignoramus: "We can a priori and prior to all given things have a knowledge of those conditions on which alone experience of them is possible, but we can never of the laws to which things may in themselves be subject, without reference to possible experience. Right?"
    Even Stupider: "Can you get in that closet? I thought I heard a quiet voice..."
    Experiment with your own vivid ideas, too!

  44. Find two telephones. Call one with the other. Answer, then walk out of the room looking very scared.

  45. Mummify yourself. (Bonus if you can't see anymore.)

  46. Touch the feet of the teacher to aggravate him. Then, fold your hands in mighty esteem to him.

  47. Keep your head five inches from the test, eyes stupidly open. If an instructor tells you to stop, state that you're examining the fine print. Then go ahead back to what you were doing.

  48. Study for a different test and answer another exam's problems with such answers.

  49. Start an EXTREME food fight. (Lovely, huh?)

  50. Answer all questions on your exam with "Charlie Sheen".


The maximum grade that you accept will easily be the greatest zero ever!

[4,957 letters]


Nominated in September 2011 (Special Category).


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