Long Anagram by Jon Gearhart

High Crimes and Misdemeanours

What are high crimes and misdemeanours? Is it too much to assume that rational people would rise up in protest if the President defendant had indeed committed high crimes and misdemeaners? Does anybody who is reasonable and seeks to uphold the rule of law, actually believe that the public would tolerate a President who is in fact guilty of perjury, of obstruction of justice and of abuse of power? The standards of the vast majority are clearly too high to dismiss the sort of abuse that is alleged. Moreover, most of the charges have proved to be so utterly preposterous that they collapsed on their own transparent frivolity. The only thing that remains is the McCarthyite charge that crimes were committed but details cannot be exposed. It's the old, perpetual, pending investigation gimmick - keep the target under investigation, claim phony secrecy privileges and he or she is always a suspect. And that is the sort of suspended animation that produced the desperate charge that President Clinton committed perjury - but who says?

That is the question and it not entirely facetious because it goes to the heart of "specific intent". In particular, perjury is a specific intent crime that relies upon the mindset of the defendant. When, for example, Monica Lewinsky said that she hadn't had a sexual relationship with Bill Clinton, she was telling the truth because Monica Lewinsky made a clear distinction between what she called "fooling around" and sexual intercourse. It is Linda Tripp who ultimately insists that Monica committed perjury because she is the one who persistently quarrelled with Monica, in effort to plant in her mind, the necessary elements that are required by law, to expose a target to the charge of perjury. It all sounds absurd and difficult to imagine but it's all on tape and the charge cannot simply be dismissed. Blinded by the mentality that the end justifies the means, criminal perpetrators do not appreciate the scope of self-incrimination. On tape, Linda Tripp is heard clearly insisting that Lewinsky and Clinton had that Lewinsky firmly believed. Indeed, she pushed and pushed and pushed to the point where Linda Tripp claimed that if you have an orgasm, it's sex. Can you imagine a grown woman, any grown woman, arguing with a young girl, any young girl, about the definition of sex? Can you imagine a grown woman, any grown woman, insisting that orgasm equals sex? Is masturbation also sex? If they are willing to re-write the dictionary to expose the President of the United States to the charge that he committed perjury, is there anything that they are not willing to do?

Like Linda Tripp, attorneys for Paula Jones were preoccupied by the bizarre obsession to define sex. In the end, the tortured definition they produced provided Bill Clinton a cover to deny a sexual relationship - and the trap was sprung. But it was a trap with an illusory bite. Perjury is not the failure or the reluctance to expose a sexual play by play. It was a nice try, but it was a trap that lacked substance and demanded the sort of zeal that reasonable prosecutors reject. Moreover, if collusion between Linda Tripp, the Jones camp and the Office of the Independent Council is responsible for the parsimonious definition about sex, the astounding scope of the behind-the-scenes set-up reflects unethical, clever lawyering, to say the very least. Having deliberately limited their questions to encourage Clinton to mislead, it certainly takes extraordinary contempt for the law to turn around and call that perjury. There is indeed no limit to the stretch of reason that Clinton's accusers claim. They even have the unbridled arrogance to call Jones versus Clinton a Federal civil rights action. Frivolous on merit, bogus on substance, Jones versus Clinton was about abusing the court system to procure a perjury charge about a non-criminal matter. Lawyers for Paula Jones essentially betrayed the fac that they were more anti-Clinton crusaders than advocates for Paula Jones when they claimed that Clinton was guilty of perjury, obstruction of justice and abuse of power. Having oblitherated the distinction between the Jones camp and Starr's Office, it is essentially naive to deny the evident collusion. Indeed, the assault was essentially treasonous, because Monica Lewinsky and the Jones case were used in a manner which was tantamount to manufacturing justification to criminally indict the President of the United States.

And when the Jones case was thrown out of court, even the inconsistent Dick Morris, the very man whose rhetoric is selectively used to demonize Clinton, claimed that Paula Jones owed the entire country an apology. Isn't it ironic that Paula Jones owes Bill Clinton what she in fact demanded from him? Indeed, isn't everything about a witch hunt ironic, when the rule of law comes to bear? Isn't the effort to turn Dick Morris into the John Dean of the Whitewater scandal, a laughable, transparent fraud? Black is not white and white is not black. Service justice my friend. Service justice well because if you do not, anybody can call you a murderer, and instead of substantiating the charge, they will simply compare you to other murderers and demand a confession. Confess and die fast, defy and die slow. Guilty today, or guilty tomorrow. You will be confined and the switch will be pulled. Your body will convulse and your eyes will pop. Justice for one, justice for all.

Resist the temptation to label and destroy. To borrow Mary Bono's repeated boast, this is not the work of lawyers. This is not a defense for Bill Clinton. This is simply a reflection of every single, reasonable person who is sick and tired of all the bullshit and you can take that poll to the bank.




His Sarcasm Deem Our Ending Him

Please, someone! Get this much bitchy little rag-spammer out of this newsgroup! I think we ought to find this turd-head reject son-of-a-bitch and dildo-ream their ass-cavity with a two-by-four. The goal is to lodge it in their hose-casm sideways! (I am a monster!) We could often stick bamboo shoots under their fingernails, cover them in honey, and stake them to the ground by an anthill. I suggest that maybe we could even inject the stupid cad (DIE, dumb old cunt-lip!) with ajax, clap, HIV, or some other deadly viral disease. In any event, there must be something done to free the internet of piss-head spammers. To ensure no active dictator poop-head spammers are spawned, they should all be gathered together, spayed or neutered (whatever each particular case calls for), and raped repetitively till death grips their cold corpses. Is this wise? A must!! Pompous little shit-ass spammers must not rule our internet! It has to be restored and protected so that future generations can enjoy it (the internet) daily, free of off-topic pitch-posts that typically appear today.

In today's candid world it is just so hard to get away from all the bogus bullshit posts which appear on the internet. We are forced to wade in through nil posts made by any idiot spammers who expect us to be extremely impressed because they know how to post into a newsgroup. Anyone with a computer (or web tv) and a phoneline in it should be able to figure this out (in a cinch). After all, I did it, and this ain't clinical brain surgery! Genetically challenged nitt-witt fucks get in online everyday and spam the hell out of any site they can with their lame commentary. HINT: It's their way of letting the world know they exist and some are probably hard and jagging-off while readin' their own dirty x-rated posts, beatin' it again and again! Man, I think they're mad, and zealous ninni-spammers should be executed in public. My quest? It is a tiring one. If I can stop even one thin arsehole-spammer in it, I can consider my quest a successful one. Alert tactician experts say that sex-offenders often are excellent examples of shit-head spammers. All Latin illegal-alien immigrants see spamming as freedom of speech. This is only when it suits in their critical purpose. Of course, they don't want to get spam e-mail either. The question is, who does? Why must we end! Just cause is on our side! Don't quit it now! Don't hold up in the fight! Our internet is in jeopardy. In a pinch, I tear out their entrails and I force-feed them into the shit-heads! Castrate the anal-jet, fart-head fags! Urinate in their critical water supply and grin as they gargle it! Anything can happen today. Anger can end in their death.

This particular spammer has chosen to try and ram home his personal beliefs (not a very prudent decision) about a subject that is best left to the officials elected to make these decisions -- the House of Representatives and the United States Senate. I propose we can easily just let them do the job they were elected in to do -- keepin' the executive branch from becomin' a little bit too powerful. Then, if you don't agree with how they are doin' their job, you can just go out and vote accordingly in all the next elections. This is the way our system can work. It's been that way annually for over two hundred years now and has served us pretty well. And that reluctantly said, I'll return to bashin' the fuck out of this culturally illiterate, unpopular, insecure, bean-countin', poll-readin', satan-incarnate, sociopathic, scrot-rubbin', no-brained, arrogant, reject, rat-bastard, jive-ass, anus-injectin', poofta spammer! We need to come up with near-cruel rules; something excrutiatingly painful to deal with that ass-jett, lunatic, terroristic, innane, penis-headed, scab-eatin', butt-scratchin', ass-bitin', jelly-spined, Judge Judy viewin', son-of-a-bitch whiner. Maybe we could use tactics offered in an example from countries around the globe -- the punishment can fit the crime. Let's cut off their hands so they cannot type and tear apart their vocal cords so they cannot use voice-activated software. Next, zone areas for spammer-zoos and literally restrain them on display for public scrutiny. Whatever we do, it needs to be done quite expeditiously. Set up clear asshole traps. Injure and get rid of these little unclean, penis-jaggin', bastard rodents. Realistically, no tolerance can alternately be given or it can not end our internet uncertainties involving fears of odd-topic, no account posts. It is all justified. Stop playin' -- leave us alone or I can swear you'll soon be sorry.

Die, low-down, whiny, bloody-rotten, crab-ridden, raunchy, dead-fish-scented, twitchy clitoris! I want a fuckin' apology, silly little cob-jammer, nun-twat, net-fraud cretin! I-I think you are just a deplorable cunt and a dick-head sinner with one overactive imagination. You're the town letch whose testes should be fryin' and then hell-sent for posting this jawbone-flappin', lame-ass piece of FCC garbage! In the future, you better never connect to post all your crap -- someone may just hunt you down and even shoot you where you're standin'. For all you know, cunt, I could well be one weird homicidal maniac with a short fuse and a werewolf's comic passion for bloodshed. I feel justified when I say (wishing at it) that you could be thrown in the lions' den at dinnertime, you vomitous mass of intestinal sludge! You're not even as valuable as dried ejaculate slime in the end of a rotten, crotch-critter's discarded condom, twat! Merry Christmas, jolly little, jism-scented, elf-wench wretch!

We must try and take our internet back today before nob-spam takes on total control. We need a man of action -- all leader -- who's willing to plot different options till the best one presents itself. This has been a silly, boyish service for the kind host, Larry Brash, to boost all his holiday spirits.

[4,706 letters]

Nominated in December 1998

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